April 30, 2009
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
– Show opens outside with girls, girls, girls, girls, as Seymour Almasy’s ring-rats…I mean FAN CLUB…are looking to make their foursome a fivesome. They’ve devised a trivia contest for the newbie. Play along at home. Question 1: Where did Seymour debut. Question 2: What did Seymour call his version of the rolling koppou kick? We end our trivia to learn that Yukiko “helped” Almasy last night and she could barely walk today after Almasy’s stiff Level Five Assbuster. Mirage has joined the party. Oh, for the answers to the questions, read the entire report. I’ll be dropping the answers at random.
– In ring, SilverHAWK arrives to cheers and lets us know that tonight Steve “Fucking” Knox must defend the Spirit of ACW Title against four men. Just a short, focused segment to fire up the fans.
1 – Iceman vs. Mr. Wrestling Pi
Iceman tells Pi he’s a number one cocksucker and then takes him down with a clothesline as the bell rings. After several stomps, Iceman snapmares and dropkicks Pi, who’s finisher should be 3.14159265 suplexes (where, after his third, he just lifts the guy off his feet a little, then drops him and goes for the pin). Powerslam and a leg drop by Iceman, but he misses a corner move and falls to the floor. Iceman, ironically, doesn’t keep his cool, swearing and beating up the staircase and guardrail. Pi takes over with some basic moves and chops before Iceman hits Respect (Pearl River Plunge) for the sudden three.
Post-match, Iceman hits a second Respect, this time through a chair. Damn, that looked bad. Preston Baxter and Lolicon run in for the save, and Iceman trips a medic on the way to help Pi.
WINNER: Iceman by pinfall. Short, very basic match to continue this surprisingly good undercard feud between Iceman and the jobbers. (1/2*)
– Backstage, Andy Sharp and Mach 2 hang before Kelly Masters shows up. Things start to get testy just as Tony Sharp arrives. Masters and Tony Sharp brawl until Andy breaks it up. Masters demands a match with Tony next week. “Bring it, you fuck,” says Tony. Then even Andy and Tony exchange some words. They’re all just pissed that they didn’t know Seymour Almasy debuted in Chicago, Illinois for the Universal Wrestling Federation.
– Meanwhile, Brian Spaes hangs out with the fans.
– In the ring, it’s time for another Wrestling Clinic courtesy of Chris Moliano. His moment of glory was ruined last week by Alias and Tengu. “If you prick me then yes, I will bleed. If you tickle me I will laugh, if you poison me I may die. And if you fill my throat with smoke from a pathetic little smoke bomb as part of your grand entrance, then no, I will not be able to put on my usual exhibition of mastering the squared circle!” He issues the open challenge, which leads to…
2 – Chris Moliano vs. Bruce “Violence Jack” Shanahan
Shanahan slaps Moliano to kick us off. Moliano responds with punches, but Shanahan takes over with knees into a Yakuza kick. After brutalizing Moliano in the corner, Moliano manages to hit a 619 variant to Shanahan’s surprise. German suplex gets two. Moliano goes to a chin lock, but Shanahan makes the ropes. They trade shots before Moliano connects with a Dedicated Dropkick. But Shanahan comes right back and delivers a brutal Last Resort (cobra clutch suplex). Moliano slips out of R’Iyeh Anthem, eventually nailing a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker into a reverse STO. Out of a powerbomb, Moliano lauches Shanahan into an Ace Crusher for a long two. Shanahan avoids the Supersault, then hits a cradle tombstone piledriver for the three.
WINNER: Bruce “Violence Jack” Shanahan. Some pretty good work here in the time they were given. No complaints. (**)
– In the ring, Rejection joins us, carrying a steel chair, to tell us about the first time he met Alias. “I survived the disease that was Alias then and tonight isn’t any different. He’s just got more scars.” He’ll be comforted by soon having the Scorpion Title around his waist. Tony Sharp’s music hits, and he rushes the ring, but Rejection catches him and drops him head first on the apron. Rejection then rips Sharp’s shirt featuring the Canadian maple leaf, then bolts.
3 – Max Danger vs. Johnny Long
Funny bit as Danger’s entrance features two guys holding sparklers. Danger hands off a stopwatch to the smarky kid from last week’s “Courage.” At the bell, Danger connects with a running dropkick. Long lands on his feet out of a German suplex, but is blasted with a Dangerous III roaring elbow. DangerLock. Tap out. But Danger gets bad news: It took him 30 seconds for the win! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We restart the match for round two (two out of three falls?), and Danger applies Kelly Master’s Achilles Heel submission. It’s hard for Long to tap out, being unconscious and all. A Hammer Jammer (sharpshooter) follows, and Long’s arm drops three times. Meanwhile, Kelly Masters steals Danger’s prosthetic arm. Danger checks the match time, and is disappointed. Time for best three out of five? Now Danger notices his missing prosthetic arm and makes a quick pin to defeat Long again. Danger does his belt Colbert, shouting “KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY!” as he shakes his fist angrily into the air.
WINNER: Max Danger via submission, submission, and pinfall. Match served it’s purpose: get over Danger as a top submission guy, entertain me, and set up a Masters/Danger rematch. Nothing match, but it wasn’t supposed to be good. (NA)
Post-match, Danger hops in a virtual taxi and screams “follow that arm!” He screams out for “Armsy.” I wonder what Masters wants for ransom? I hope he doesn’t *gasp* violate the arm. Danger heads into a women’s restroom and ends up trying to search a woman’s vagina for the arm, but no luck. BWAHAHA! SHE HAS A FAKE ARM! And Danger takes it! But he realizes it isn’t Armsy. Out comes the DangerPhone.
– Outside, drunk frat boys (hello brothers!) provide some commentary over what seems to be a “coming soon” vignette: “Dude!” “Mask!” “Hush?” “PARTY!” I must visit Montreal one of these weeks…
4 – Mach 2 versus Tengu
They trade chops early before Mach 2 lands a European uppercut for two. Tengu rebounds with a jumping back elbow. Mach 2 reverses a whip to the corner, but then gets caught in a Tarantula. Tengu misses a clothesline, and he gets powerbombed for two. Mach 2 then eats a short-arm elbow strike, and Tengu connects with a corkscrew dropkick. Double underhook piledriver gets a long two. Tengu tries for a top rope suplex, but Mach 2 catches him with an Orang suplex. Quickly, Mach 2 hits a pair of rolling sentons for two as Tengu gets a foot on the ropes. Tengu reverses out of a DDT into a floatover DDT of his own. Roundhouse kick sets up Tengu’s Hiroshima Driver for the three. Post-match, Tengu vanishes in a cloud of smoke.
WINNER: Tengu via pinfall. Not a classic match or anything, but it made Tengu look strong and kept his early momentum in ACW. (*1/4)
– Backstage, a dejected Chris Moliano is visited by Tengu’s mask. “TENGUUUUUUUU!” Danger pops in to tells Moliano to stop stealing his stolen bit, then makes him tap out in 24 seconds. And that’s The Wørd.
– Elsewhere backstage, Kelly Flawless and Jimmy Cain have themselves a midget cooking contest involving Darko the Vertically Challenged, a Mexican luchador, cocaine, and a shotgun. OK, I just watched this the whole way through. I was expecting more horror along the lines Flawless vs. Darko from a couple weeks back, but good lord was this segment hilarious. I probably can’t do it justice recapping it, but I will share some of the highlights:
“Nigga, Jimmy’s cooks a meannn midget.”; “I heard you, and yes, yes I do… but no, you can’t have some.”; “BAM~!”; “What ya do is, ya head down to Chinatown and you walk into the back of this ratty ass shack on 39th Street. You ask for Shinqui. Shinqui is the most delicious, most important part of the midget cooking process. You take it, and you add it to the water while the body is simmerin’ in the juices.”; “The fuck in Shinqui?” “Monkey labia.”; “Don’tcha just hate when your meal won’t shut the fuck up?”; “Sometimes when I eat pigeons whole, I have to stuff marshmallows in their mouths to silence the squawking.”; “The blood makes these things taste fuckin’ SUPPLE.”; “Ya SMELL THAT? That’s what you call GOR-FUCKIN’-MAY!”; “Whatcha got for me, Ninja Face?”; “It’s SHINQUI, MUHFUCKA!” Kelly Flawless wins via superior midget cooking skillz, and graces us with a victory rap, yo:
You cookin‘ with KFlaw and his nigga, Tha Jimmy –
He was once misinformed but he now knows the skinny –
He came to me, this chump got all up in mah grill –
He said, yo KFlaw I gota da skillz –
I‘m a culinary whiz, let me fry you some chow –
I was like, no ‘fense Jimbo, but you dunno how –
I‘ma teach you a lesson, both for lunch and for din –
This shit‘s so insane, it‘ll make ya head spin –
First thing ya do if ya want some good midget –
Bump up dat oven to four fiddy digits –
Don‘t matta if ya cook ‘em in pants, or even their socks –
You can do ‘em up Indian: gasoline and small pox –
It’s true what they say, don’t judge till ya try it –
Midget is part of a well-rounded diet –
Minerals, vitamins — things I don’t fuckin’ need –
Not when there’s midgets of all sizes and breeds –
They tell me drink water, take lots of ginseng –
I say fuck yoself, I’ll have me a leg and a wing –
Cook ‘em in sauce, cook ‘em water –
Cook ‘em with hymens, with animal fodder –
Try it again, the taste, I promise, it grows –
Kinda like coffee, or Uma Thurman’s nose –
Consume ‘em on buses –
Consume ‘em on trains –
Consume ‘em on boats –
Consume ‘em on planes –
Consume ‘em at Starbucks, or in front of a steeple –
I’m telling’ ya son, that’s how ya eat little people –
– Backstage, Mr. Wrestling Pi is still unconscious. Lolicon vows revenge next week.
5 – Alias vs. Rejection (Scorpion Fighting Championship)
Pre-match, Alias addresses Rejection’s earlier remarks about the old Alias, then shouts to Spaes, offering a Scorpion Fighting Championship for next week. Spaes accepts. Alias and Rejection kick us off with some basic wrestling. Alias ducks a clothesline and locks in a crucifix pin for two. Armbar takedown into a chinlock and Alias is rolling. In a sick little move, Rejection connects with a Stunner of sorts to Alias’s eye. I don’t know how else to describe that one, aside from ouch. Rejection rains down forearm shots, but Alias fight back with forearms and elbows of his own. Alias gets the better of some brawling, but Rejection nails a German suplex with a bridge for two. Alias comes right back with a stiff clothesline for one. Rejection ducks another clothesline and boots Alias in the face. He tries for an underhook DDT, but his arm gives way in a nice bit of selling. Hat trick of German suplexes by Alias. Both men are spent, but Rejection gets the jump on Alias with a flying knee. Deep End (crucifix powerbomb) into the turnbuckles! Alias grabs the rope to avoid a three count. Desperation six pack of headbutts by Alias, but it does some damage to himself as well. Alias runs into a boot, then takes a double underhook overhead belly-to-belly suplex. LOW BLOW WHAM ANARCHY’S LULLABY! Rejection taps.
WINNER: Alias via submission. Alias continues his awesomeness. Very good, hard-hitting TV match. Definitely not the usual Scorpion-style match, but a huge improvement from where I sit. I’m sure Spaes/Alias will be a completely different style next week. (***1/4)
– Post-match, Tony Sharp runs out of the crowd, grabs Rejection, gutwrench suplexes him through a table, then exits through the crowd, slapping hands with the fans.
– Backstage, Seymour Almasy tapes his hands and ankles. Perhaps he’s thinking about the Ether Strike. You know…that’s what Seymour called his version of the rolling koppou kick.
6 – Kelly Masters vs. Jimmy Cain vs. Horace Tully vs. Andy Sharp vs. The Spirit of Steve Knox (Spirit of ACW Championship Elimination Match)
Knox no-shows. Masters clothesline Sharp and we’re underway. Right by Masters. Uppercuts by Sharp. Masters hits a belly-to-belly suplex into a wristlock, and they trade reversals. Cain and Tully have exchange elbows before Tully drop toe holds Jimmy on the middle rope and chokes him. Sharp has headlock issues, which then become knee issues. Sharp fights free, but misses Masters with Leet Feet v.2 (superkick), leaving him open for two German suplexes for two. Masters whips Sharp to the corner, but Sharp comes back with a moonsault DDT for two. A nice series of counters ends with Masters locking in a crossface. Sharp makes the ropes for the break. Cain with a scoop slam on Horace for two. Horace unleashes ELBOWS, leading to a falling reverse DDT for two. After some stomps and an uppercut, Tully levels Cain with a swinging neckbreaker for two. Tully DDTs Cain as Sharp connects with a flying forearm on Masters. Off the ropes, Tully gets hit by a Book of Black Wisdom wielded by Darius Daniel, right into a WARJIMMY~! for three, eliminating Tully. Tully gets dumped and assaulted by Daniels, Bruce “Violence Jack” Shanahan, and a steel chair. Seymour Almasy runs down for the save attempt, but the numbers aren’t in his favor and he gets chopped. Tully gets the chair and blasts Daniels, and Shanahan takes a double sidekick that sends him into the crowd.
– Meanwhile backstage, Max Danger is ninjaing his way around, looking for Kelly Masters’ locker. Unable to get it open, he bashes it with a chair. Somebody’s coming, so Danger hides in a different locker. Luckily, it’s just Johnny Long. Danger knocks out Long with the locker door, then pins him, defeating him for the fourth time tonight.
Back to the ring now, where Cain DDTs Sharp and locks in a curse-filled camel clutch, but Masters clotheslines Cain. Gutwrench suplex attempt, but Sharp lands on his feet. Leaping head kick drops Masters, and Sharp gets two before Cain interrupts and beats on both guys. Sharp avoids Cain’s knee strike by cartwheeling into a front flip. Cain: “Knock that flippy, monkey shit off!” Masters punches away on both guys before launching Sharp with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Cain rams Masters to the buckles and hits a back suplex for two as Sharp breaks it up with a baseball slide dropkick. He takes down Cain with a moonsault press, but lands badly, holding his knee. Cain tackles Sharp and pounds him. Cain gets him up for WARJIMMY, but Masters suplexes BOTH GUYS! A little ugly, but cool “holy shit” worthy spot. Masters pins, and Cain is eliminated.
Masters with an exploder suplex on Sharp into an armbar. Sharp twists his way free, but Masters corners him. Sharp avoids an elbow, setting up a double arm DDT for two. Springboard knee keeps Masters down. A scoop slam has similar results. The chanting crowd distracts Sharp, as he gets crotched up top. Masters suplexes him down, holds on, and suplexes him twice more in a very impressive spot. Sharp grabs a rope at two to avoid the pin. They trade strikes, but suddenly Tony Sharp nails Masters with a flying clothesline. They fight around ringside, and into the crowd. The ref counts to five when Knox’s music hits for the second time. He strolls out with Cosmo Kid, who has the championship belt. Sharp wants Knox to get in the ring, but Knox leaves at the count of eight. And we’ve got a count out, as Masters is done, and apparently Knox is also counted out.
WINNER: Andy Sharp via countout. Great main event match. Slap a finish on that, and you’ve got an easy MOTY candidate. This angle around the Spirit of ACW Title is easily the hottest for the company right now, especially after tonight. (****1/4)
Final Thoughts: Great show from top to bottom. ACW continues to roll, putting out entertaining shows featuring a mix of comedy, character development, brutality, and some great wrestling to appeal to wrestling fans of all styles. My only complaint is that World Champion Seymour Almasy’s title reign and quasi-feud with the Sect is pretty uninspired right now, and he’s being outshined by Alias’ as Scorpion Champion and the chase surrounding the Spirit of ACW title. But, hell, with two matches over *** and a show as good as this, that’s a very minor complaint.