The big news: Hostility’s wrestlers still can’t work, no matter how much their fans complain on HWF’s fan forums. As I actually have a life and don’t have all weekend to bitch about one person’s review of one show to prop up my ego, please allow me a moment to bitch about their ignorance to prop up MY ego, by playing Fact or Fiction before we get to an actual GOOD wrestling promotion, namely ACW.
“There was nothing remotely pleasent(sic) in that review about our fed.”
FICTION: If they had bothered to read it, they would’ve seen that I really liked a spot involving a rana/triangle choke combo. Besides, I wasn’t reviewing the fed. I was reviewing one show that people might accidentally buy and regret it.
“There was no entertainment value to be found in that review, if you can even call it that. It was a verbal bashing at best. How could can (sic) anyone enjoy something like that.(sic)”
FICTION: That review was plenty entertaining. You’re just upset that somebody who isn’t a total fanboy mark evaluated your fed on what is supposed to be its main export: wrestling. How much money did your fed waste on constructing those sets (I can’t WAIT to see your buyrate, as there’s no way you made a profit on this show)? How many people got injured due to the stupid booking decisions to allow these matches to happen? You people are such hardcore marks you think nobody gets hurt because wrestling is “fake.” Jim Cornette had a great post on this recently, on how this leads to shorter careers, higher injury rates, and painkiller addiction. So be proud you support the destruction of the health of fellow humans for the sake of you having a mental orgasm from other’s pain. Aside from all that, I’m extremely entertained by the stench of hypocrisy coming from HWF.
“The review was garbage. … It seems to me like the guy spent more time trying to come up with new ways to say the same thing (that we suck and our matches are trash and we have too many segments).”
FICTION: Your South of Heaven matches were not good (funny, if you actually READ the review, the “s-word” was never used ONCE). HWF relied on stupid high spots and weapons to pop the crowd, not wrestling or personality. Look at your total lack of psychology, transitions, come backs, work rate, the moves that were used in the match, match lengths, and crowd reactions. Once you know anything about how star ratings work or how wrestling matches are rated, come back and we’ll talk.
“whoever wrote this review doesnt(sic) get laid. so(sic) he’s taking his frustrations out on us, plain and simple.”
FICTION: I get laid plenty (and I can be bothered to use my caps lock most of the time). Projecting, much? My frustration is with the product your company puts out.
“…for all you know its(sic) just 14 year old kid writing it. I had noticed that his other reviews were made of big name feds that have been around for awhile… To some if your(sic) not fWo your(sic) not worth while(sic) and I think that was the case here.”
FICTION: I’m not 14, I’m 31. Now, I didn’t include this quote, but they bitched that I didn’t “research” their storylines before watching their PPV. Smell the hypocrisy. If THEY had done their own research about MY site, they would know that I don’t shoot praise up anyone’s ass unless they deserve it. I’ve trashed plenty of segments and matches and shows for a variety of reasons. Again, my job is a critic/commentator, not to be your best friend and make you feel good about yourself or the company you enjoy. People have a right to opinions, especially if they aren’t a member of your cult. If you don’t want to be viewed by actual wrestling fans, tell your HWF owners to run it untelevised in a back yard in South Dakota and to shut down their Web site. (Note to FWO, potential new slogan: “If you’re not fWo, you’re not worthwhile!)
“However, we should also take his words into consideration. We do tend to rely on those crazy match types and stuff like that a lot, and maybe it is time that we perhaps tone it down a little bit. Sure, I’m all for creative and innovative matches and such… but you know. An entire card of stuff like that does lessen the impact of the individual matches.”
FACT: Heresy! Of course, everybody told this guy (and convinced him) he was WRONG, and they should keep “upping the ante.” And I’M a “douchebag x 1,000,000” (which, for the record, is douchebag,000,000, if my algebra is correct)?
“Why should we be silent about something like that while they eat up the fWo’s shit like it’s from the Holy Grail.”
FICTION: “They” who? If “they” ever read my reviews, “they” would know I’m not an FWO mark OR an FWO hater. I like parts of their stuff, not so much other parts. But it’s HWF vs. the world.
“Reductionism much? WCW failed because of mis-management over the years and a corporate ownership body that never really understood the product they had on their hands in the first place. Boys and girls; if you want to take a reductionist view; at least make it halfway accurate instead of taking pot-shots from your arm-chair. ECW failed mainly because of MONEY, MONEY and did I say MONEY? Oh yeah, and lets not forget the FC-Fucking-C” (plus a followup: “That was the one point that annoyed me the most, that the guy was just talking out his ass. Everyone knows why those two places went under.”
FICTION: Why did WCW and ECW ultimately fail? The TV product was not good enough to attract fans outside of the loyalists (sound familiar, HWF?). Lower ratings = less fans = less PPV buys = no money = failed business model. If WCW had still been drawing 4/5’s, it might have stayed around, despite the horrible management (which had been an issue dating back to the late NWA). And it was NOT the FCC that killed ECW, though that’s the funniest reason I’ve ever read for ECW failing. Heyman targeted a smark/Internet audience, which is why he could never attract ratings or crowds of more than about 1,000 at a time, which is WHY he went into debt. Don’t you DARE take ANY potshots, while we take ours at you, Teddy! (And REALLY? That’s the ONE thing that pissed you off most? WCW and ECW are long since dead, get over it. And don’t tell me ECW is still running in WWE, because it is not the same company I’m referring to.)
“feds like fWo, ACW, nbW, and they all seem to drag on forever”
MOSTLY FICTION: Oh, now this is personal. Nobody attacks ACW~! Gotta love guys with ADD who blame good promotions that feature actual wrestling and angles for being too long when your show is every bit as long, but you’re just a mark for whatever lowest-common-denominator garbage they try to pass off as entertainment. Again, everything they do isn’t gold, and I call them on it when I don’t like it. It’s just, they actually have some redeeming qualities for wrestling fans. Namely, the wrestling part.
“But to have it written like some 13 year old… that match was crap, this here was pointless.”
FICTION: Really? Chuck Norris wrestling is worth wasting my time recapping when one word can do the job? Are you high? That match was a crappy celebrity match with the hope of attracting a few buys. All celebrity matches are crap. And that’s the only match I didn’t provide reasoning for, because, honestly, if you can defend that, you are a total MARK for HWF, and you have no ability to be honest. This was as bad as Jimmy Hart vs. Mancow or Karl Malone/Dennis Rodman crap from WCW, or even K-Fed in WWE.
OK, rant over. Onto today’s victim…
June 11, 2009
Montreal, Quebec, Canada?
– Show opens with a pointless segment…nah, just kidding. This one actually has a point, namely the coronation of the new ACW World Champion Max Danger. A golden shower of the pyro variety brings out Marcus the Smark carrying the title (on a pillow, wearing silk gloves), followed by four drunks in beer hats and togas (plus one guy fanning Danger with a palm leaf) carrying Danger on a throne. Oh, and Danger? Your new king of ACW is wearing a red dress, as was stipulated by him losing to Kelly Masters at Legends III. Danger: “Maybe I’m not the King of Submission anymore, but who cares? Why rule over one thing when you can rule over everything? Kelly, enjoy your new trophy, because I have mine.” Good heat for this segment, and Danger not going nuts about having to wear the dress is a nice change of pace from the usual heel fare. He also thanks Seymour Almasy (for getting injured), then himself for being simply amazing.
“On another note, I have a bone to pick with one Ted Caldweller.” Uh oh. “Four and three-quarter stars!? Seriously!? Were you even watching the same match? Clearly, if anything deserved five snowflakes, it was ME!” Oh yeah, I’m immortalized via Chatter status. I matter. Suck it, HWF! BWAHAHAHA! The World Champion of a WRESTLING company recognizes MEEEEE!
OK, I’m back. Hey, Max, here you go for this segment: *****. Danger then thanks Armsy for helping to smack Alias in the testicles and eliminate him by presenting him (yes, I wrote “him”) a miniature ACW World Title! Awesome. Segmentus interrupts happens in the form of (Don’t Call Me Brock) Shepherd, the original owner of Armsy, who basically questions Danger’s sexuality and declares that he wants what’s his: Armsy. Danger’s facial reactions are making this segment right here. Danger throws Marcus at Shepherd and bails through the crowd. I’m surprised Shepherd didn’t take out all the drunk toga guys here, as that probably would’ve popped the crowd huge. Still, pretty good stuff, as Danger was absolutely on throughout this segment.
– Backstage, SilverHAWK broods over who attacked Seymour Almasy.
– In ring, Rory Hayes is out to let us know he’s going to prove that he deserves to be a big name in wrestling. He calls out John Hurst, who is supposed to be his opponent, but the big screen lights up with Hurst’s CPA, who says that Hurst won’t be fighting an “ass bandit” like Hayes. Hayes is a tad peeved.
– In-ring, Ikan Jobtayoo (wearing a 1-2-3…YOU WIN~! T-shirt) is out to “making with zee opened challengerationator.” Iceman, anyone? I’m honestly not sure if that’s a German or French accent. Oh, it’s Bjelkezian. We wait and wait before finally somebody’s great-great-grandfather answers the challenge. Oh sorry, that’s Conrad Ramsey. This leads to…
1 – Ikan Jobtayoo vs. Conrad Ramsey
This match has an old school wrestling vibe to it, with Ramsey in control early. He gets a nearfall after a knee sends Jobtayoo flying. Jobtayoo avoids a suplex, botches a dropkick, then hits a lariat for two. Running asshole to the corner connects, but he misses a second baseball slide dropkick on Ramsey and gets crotched on the steel post. Ramsey looks for 10 punches, but Jobtayoo only gives him six (no doubt some hidden social commentary on the value of the Canadian dollar vs. the Bjelkez dollar) before shoving him off, setting up a second-rope leg drop and a nearfall. Jobtayoo unleashes the restholds, which gets the crowd chanting for Ramsey, perhaps to keep themselves awake. Ramsey finally fights out and powerslams Jobtayoo for two. Jobtayoo misses Ramsey in the corner then takes a lariat and the loss. Post-match, they share a manly handshake.
WINNER: Conrad Ramsey via pinfall. Too many restholds vs. actual action, two pretty rusty wrestlers, and too much old man. (3/4*)
– Backstage, Jimmy Cain and Kelly Flawless let us know they’re sorry for being lazy, unproductive members of the ACW family. Well, at least they entertained themselves.
– Outside, Alias, the Original Pulp Private Investigator, is trying to find out the answer to last season’s cliffhanger: Who Killed Seymour Almasy? Clue! Clue! Security dude “Buffalo” Brian Slater was in the vicinity. Clue! Clue! Mirage (from Almasy’s fangirl troop) is missing and wasn’t at Legends III. To be continued…
– At the bar, Max Danger (still in his dress) and Armsy are looking for Sunkist. Brian Spaes is also there. Hopefully, he isn’t wearing his beer goggles, or this segment will be too disturbing to watch. Spaes says he’s the man to take the World Title. Danger answer with a stern walking away.
– Backstage, Chris Moliano prepares.
2 – Chris Moliano vs. Hush vs. Frank Dylan James
Nobody’s able to gain an advantage early, though James gets one on Hush after a scoop slam. James is a pretty sloppy worker. The brawling heads to the floor, where James grabs a chair, but the ref’s all NUH-UH, which pisses of James, and results in the ref DQing him. Once things settle down, Hush takes control, and he hits a senton splash for two. Nice series sees Hush hit a lungblower, miss a springboard moonsault, only to land on his feet, Moliano hit an armdrag, then Hush come back with a dropkick, only to get caught in a small package for a nearfall before Hush reverses into a pin of his own. Back elbow splash/superkick combo gets two for Moliano. A pair of suplexes sets up a northern lights suplex for a nearfall. Hush avoids the DDT, but not a cradle kick. Moliano heads up but gets caught and falls to the floor. Plancha suicida into the guardrail. Ouch. Back inside, Hush picks up the win.
WINNER: Hush via pinfall. Not sure why they don’t just put James into Scorpion matches already, as he didn’t add much to the wrestling equation here. Match picked up considerably after James’ exit, but it wasn’t given enough time to develop into anything memorable. (*1/2)
– In-ring, Trevor Wilson is out and makes it simple for the Canadians: “I’m here. The belt is here. Let’s go.” Enter Iceman. But wait, there’s more! Wilson’s stipulation for tonight’s match: submissions are banned. Also, it’s later, not now. What a cocksucker.
– At a merchandise table, Ikan Jobtayoo is selling his own T-shirts. Conrad Ramsey buys one of his T-shirts and tells Jobtayoo that, despite what the T-shirt says, he isn’t a loser. To all my single friends out there, try that out next time you see a hot chick working in retail: “Hey, baby. Just because you work at Wal-Mart don’t mean you’re working a dead end job.” Jobtayoo can’t sell a T-shirt to John Hurst.
– In the loading docks, Kelly Flawless is eating at the all-you-can-grab-out-of-the-Dumpster buffet when Frank Dylan James stumbles upon him. That hippy K-Flaw mentions beer, and it’s on. James shoves K-Flaw away and looks for the beer, but it’s a swerve! K-Flaw closes the lid on James. “Nobody fucks with Kelly Flawless during CHOW!”
3 – Rory Hayes vs. John Hurst (w/Miles Graceland)
Hurst does everything but use a public toilet and piss on the seat, then walk around in the summertime saying “How about this heat?” during his intro. Hayes gets punchy before the bell, then takes the fight to the floor once the match becomes official. Hayes gets posted, and Hurst spits at a fan. Back inside, Hayes unleashes punches and elbows for a nearfall. Hayes with a gutbuster gets two, but Hurst fights back, eventually hitting an exploder 270. A head-and-arm suplex gets Hurst two. More fighting leads to Hurst hitting a running back suplex for the win. Post-match, Hurst drops a knee to Hayes’ throat.
WINNER: John Hurst via pinfall. Short match heavy on the brawling. And I think Hurst might be a heel. But don’t quote me. (*)
– In-ring, Brian Spaes is out to call out Max Danger for his “chicken shit” tactics of late and for stealing the World Championship. Andy Sharp is out and agrees that Danger doesn’t deserve it. However, Sharp doesn’t think Spaes deserves a shot at Danger. He also says that Tony is indefinitely out of action. Seems Sharp’s mad about a certain Brian Spaes hitting him with a chair during the Battle of Montreal, and we’ve got a match for next week. Spaes warns Sharp about that he’ll never see the Uraken coming, only to be surprised by Leet Feet v.2. Ah, irony.
– Backstage, Alias, the Original Pulp Private Investigator, is still trying to find out the answer to last season’s cliffhanger: Who Killed Seymour Almasy? We now rejoin our angle, already in progress… SilverHAWK has suspicions, and also a man of his own on the case. D’oh! Or, as Alias puts it, “I… fuck, whatever.” Alias will not be stopped. We have a list of suspects. Alias rules out Spaes because they were together when it happened. Oh, they were TOGETHER together? Alias gets all defensive over Spaes. *cough*homo*cough*. Wait. *cough*don’tstabmealiasiwasjustkiddingiloveyounohomo*cough* Clue! Clue! Violence Jack is missing. Clue! Clue! Horace Tully is missing, too! Alias fingers Keller. Not in the gay way. People, please! HAWK thinks Alias has done the dumbest thing accusing Keller.
4 – Pi in the Sky (Avis Flyfield & Mr. Wrestling Pi) vs. The Heirs of Wrestling (Ryan Gallway & Frank Pierce)
Pi in the Sky roll early on Gallway. Then Pi comes in. Pi quickly becomes your jobber in peril. After Gallway connects with a springboard dropkick, Pi falls to the floor, but Flyfield prevents any heelish shenanigans. As Pi gets back inside, Gallway catches him with a dropkick for two. Pierce hits a flying spinning elbow from the second rope for two. Heelish referee distraction lets Pierce choke Pi with a cape before stashing the evidence for a nearfall. Gallway hits a nice springboard DDT and follows with a cross arm breaker. After some struggling, Pi gets a foot to the ropes for the break. A leg lariat by Pi leads to the hot tag and it’s time to clean house. Springboard flying clothesline takes down Pierce for two. A moonsault body block has the same result. Nice Russian leg sweep/STO combo by Pie in the Sky gets two as Gallway lands a guillotine leg drop on Pi. Pierce bucklebombs Pi and dumps Flyfield. Heirs combine for an enzuigiri/Flatline combo for the win.
WINNERS: Heirs of Wrestling via pinfall. Solid formula match that really picked up after the hot tag. The outcome was never really in doubt, but no big complaints here. (**)
Post-match the Heirs issue some royal decrees: they’re the best tag team in ACW and all of wrestling. Gallway: “Do’est thou understand of whom you cockbites are insulting with your rancor?” They also run down the roster, including Alias, Seymour Almasy, Brian Spaes, Trevor Wilson, and Andy Sharp.
– Backstage, Frank Dylan James runs into Max Danger and Marcus the Smark. James, natch, asks if they’re gay, but gets confused when Danger spells the answer (N-O). “Yew thank Ah’m some kind’a spellin’ bee hippy? I don’ know what this ‘N-O’ jabbawocky is, boy.” James finger grazes the belt, for which Danger slaps him with Armsy. Danger flees. Marcus pees. James hates hippies.
– In-ring, it’s Khristian Keller time. And cheap pop time? Montreal is the confused. “I’m glad to be back in the rectum of the professional wrestling universe.” ZING~! The King Shit of Fuck Mountain is back ’cause he wanted to. He just took an opportunity at Legends III, and then remembers something about Lolicon: “Fuck, I better let him out of that locker.” Keller = the shit. This is all leading to the arrival of Alias, Original Pulp Hero P.I. Alias calls Keller a pale Graphic Violence imitation and something about Keller jobbing to Aran Thompson. Alias: “You’re a joke. A coward. A yellow bastard, no better then the worst.” Money promo! Keller’s night is done, but Alias knows what Keller did to Almasy.
5 – Iceman vs. Trevor Wilson (Spirit of ACW Title Match)
No submissions here, though Iceman would be in worse trouble if the word “cocksuckers” were banned. After a belly-to-belly suplex, Iceman almost goes for an armbar, but stops himself in time. Wilson looks for some high-risk offense, but Iceman catches him with a school boy instead for two. A full nelson slam gets two for Wilson. Iceman counters a Wilson attack with a northern lights suplex for two. Iceman wins the fight for a suplex and gets two. Iceman argues the count, and gets bulldogged. Iceman bails, so Wilson dives, but Iceman avoids. He hits a northern lights suplex of sorts on the floor, then gets a two back inside. He hooks both legs for another two. A Pounnnnnnnce Lite takes down Iceman for two. Bell Chime (spinning whip kick) only gets two. Forearms by Wilson, but Iceman with a quick roll up for two. Small package also gets two. Iceman avoids a clothesline, but almost goes for a hammerlock, which messes him up, allowing the opening for a Bastard’s Black Headcrusher and a successful title defense by Wilson.
WINNER: Trevor Wilson via pinfall. Good attention to detail here on the stip, as Iceman’s submission attempts led to openings for Wilson. Not a classic match, but it was perfectly acceptable. (**1/2)
Final thoughts: Overall, this was a fun show. Nothing great in the way of wrestling matches, but ACW delivered two money segments, in Danger’s opening promo (plus entertaining subsequent backstage segments) and Alias/Keller. Spaes also looked strong tonight in his segments, and they did a good job getting over Frank Dylan James. So lots of seeds were sewn. Should be fun to start seeing them grow in coming weeks.