[AES] Total Distortion Wrestling Anniversary Card Revealed

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Two years is a long time. That’s 730 days, in fact. 731 if there was a leap day in there. Fuck you leap years. But yes, Total Distortion Wrestling is set to celebrate the two year anniversary of its first full episode, which aired on Friday 19th February 2014. And what better way to celebrate two years of being #STIFF than to hold an Anniversary Edition? And yes, this show will be canon. Maybe even @ZappKanon. Additionally, every match will have a stipulation or additional ruling because why not?

Dude, it’s a dance off between TDW’s two interviewers. It’s gonna be amazing, so don’t miss it. Provided The Sean Show and Tyrone, Lord of the Dance don’t do The Worm at the same time and collapse the ring, leading to Sean Show’s untimely death.

Say you, say me. Say it for always. That we love Lionel Richie. The entrants of our very special Lionel Richie Tribute Rumble will remain a mystery until the show airs because when it comes to mysteries, we’ll always do it one more time. Because it’s easy like a Sunday morning. Man, someone stop me cause I’ll be running with the night on these jokes.

And now for a tribute that’s a little more unorthodox. Who doesn’t love Jackie Chan? Don’t answer that cause if you say you don’t, you’re fired. One person who fucking loves good ol’ JC, however, is Eli McSweeney and he’ll be raring to go after being given the go ahead for the return of the Jackie Chan Challenge. He’s got his best gi picked out and everything. Joining him in gi-clad form will be the TDW Guitar Warrior Champion himself, “Bitter” Marty Jannetty, the TDW Super Smash Champion @ZappKanon and Marty’s charming Brethren team-mate, Derrick Brizen. Can this prestigious trio rock a gi as well as they rock the title scenes? Only one way to find out.

Apparently, Officer Johnny Slick has uncovered some kind of grand conspiracy. He claims that Canada’s maple syrup supplies have been tampered with, which will convert Americans into Canadians. Or something like that. Regardless, the man is holding TDW’s favourite Canadians, Laura Brennan and “Hollywood” Canadian Dragon accountable and wishes to take them DOWN. TOWN. Fortunately for the duo, they are being offered a chance to fight for their freedom – they will face The AES Cops at Anniversary, where a victory for the two will set them free. However, defeat means they will serve a healthy jail sentence. No pressure.

Let’s get away from syrup to get STIFF though. And not the Noxi type of STIFF. We’re talking people getting fucking murdered type of STIFF. Everyone loves a Falls Count Anywhere match where two of TDW’s most hard hitting competitors get to duke it out. Two-time Guitar Warrior Championship contender, Clark Walker, will trade punches, kicks, headbutts and bird flipping with Kerfuffle!’s very own Jolene Abbot. Who will punch the living hell out of the other harder? I don’t know, I just do the write ups.

Jackson Douglas has been caught stealing on TDW before and it appears he’s been up to his old tricks once more. The charismatic thief was caught in possession of Harold Remington-Harrington’s hat. But like he did with Charis De Campo, Mr. Douglas is offering Harold an opportunity to win his hat back. Winner keeps it. Sounds pretty simple and fair, if you ask me.

Now here’s a real doozy. Sir Dan Danielson the Third. Leader of The Brethren. Former world champion multiple times. One of the only guys I know who can wear a skirt or whatever the fuck it is and tights and still look like a badass motherfucker. La Red Dinamica. Former TDW Six String Champion. Possessor of one of the best win/loss records in TDW. Fantastic bus driver. These two have a very valuable opportunity as they fight for a future title shot. La Red will be looking to rebuild after being dethroned as Six String Champ by Erika Reinhardt and Sir Dan will surely be looking at this as a large step in his conquest to make pro-wrestling great again. One of these giants will walk out a titan but who will that person be?

And for the main event, the TDW Encore Championship will be defended against a mystery opponent by whoever wins the championship bout at National E-Wrestling Day 4 – current Champion Reggie Sallis or one half of the TDW Blast Beats Champions, Richie Stevens. This mystery challenger will surely have their hands full with either of these legends but who will it be? Tune in to NEWD4 for the first half of the answer, but you can find all of the answers to our questions at Total Distortion Wrestling: Anniversary Edition!

The Card
Main Event – TDW Encore ChampionshipOpen Challenge!
Reggie Sallis OR Richie Stevens © vs ???

Sir Dan’s a Straight Up (Brain)BustaWinner receives a future title shot!
Sir Dan Danielson the Third vs La Red Dinamica

Will We See Some Hat Tricks?Winner keeps Harold’s hat!
Harold Remington-Harrington vs Jackson Douglas

Watch TDW. #STIFFFalls Count Anywhere!
Clark Walker vs Jolene Abbot

#RAMSCANADAIf Laura & CanDrag lose, they will be arrested!
Laura Brennan & “Hollywood” Canadian Dragon vs The AES Cops

The Jackie Chan Challenge: Fight Night EditionAll competitors must wear a gi
Eli McSweeney vs “Bitter” Marty Jannetty vs @ZappKanon vs Derrick Brizen

The Lionel Richie Tribute RumbleIt’s a battle royal! With 100% added Lionel Richie!

The Greatest Dance-Off Ever
Tyrone, Lord of the Dance vs The Sean Show

Airdate: Friday 19th February 2016, 11PM GMT/6PM EST/3PM PDT
Stream: http://www.armbarerrorsociety.eu/stream
Card Subject to Change