All-Star Championship Wrestling Courage 4/23/09 Report
April 23, 2009
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
– Somewhere, the Sect has gathered for some whacky cult necronomi-fun. We learn Horace Tully has gone off the reservation. Odd start.
– Chris Moliano heads to the ring to introduce himself in cocky fashion and debut Chris’ Wrestling Clinic, which means he’s issuing an open challenge. Cue Alias. Cue Moliano’s Big Gulp (©1998 Vince McMahon). Alias remembers Moliano using the words “I quit” last time they met, and wants to see how far Moliano has come. As Alias heads toward the ring, the lights flicker, and Alias wishes Chris good luck just before the lights go out. A smoke bomb goes off, and behold! Tengu!
1 – Chris Moliano vs Tengu (Open Challenge Match)
Moliano charges into a roundhouse kick. Tengu hits several chops, and then his corkscrew dropkick sends Moliano to the floor. Once Moliano heads back inside, he takes a thrust kick and a German suplex with a bridge for two. Tengu continues rolling with a belly-to-belly suplex, but Moliano finally gets some offense with an uppercut and a dropkick. Tengu with a nice powerbomb reversal into a DDT. After a stiff roundhouse kick, Tengu heads up for an inverted shooting star press (!) to a huge pop. Wow. Tengu doesn’t go for a cover, however, and Moliano bails on the match.
WINNER: Tengu via countout. Solid outing from Tengu here, and Moliano played his heel role fine as well. (*)
– At the wrestler’s bar, Brian Spaes and Rejection discuss light tubes and Tony Sharp.
– Outside, Max Danger is walking while texting while being misted on. He’s been DangerLocked out of the building! His phone doesn’t help, and neither does a game of Aqua Hoops. He heads toward some tail-gating ACW fans.
– Backstage, Tengu visits SilverHAWK to bring him fair warning. Somebody said fair warning? Lord, strike that poor boy down! Oh wait, no, he’s warning about a Cain and Abel war that’s coming to the mean streets of ACW.
2 – Preston Baxter vs. Lolicon vs. Mr. Wrestling Pi
The trio head out together, and all shake hands pre-match. Lolicon goes down from Pi and Baxter’s with tandem flying elbows. Pi connects with a slam and leg drop, then hits a corner shoulder block(?), but then Lolicon takes him down with a rana for two. Pi takes Lolicon down with a clothesline, then hits a second-rope elbow drop. Baxter rolls up Pi for two. After a drop toe hold on Pi, Baxter powerslams Lolicon for two. Pi with a pair of German suplexes on Baxter before Lolicon German suplexes Pi. Northern lights suplex on Baxter gets two. Pi clotheslines himself and Lolicon over the top rope to the floor, setting up a suicide dive by the 63-year-old Baxter. Back inside, Baxter hits a top rope elbow on Lolicon. Iceman’s music hits, but he sneaks in from under the ring with a chair. Iceman takes out Baxter with a hat trick of chair shots, Lolicon, and the referee just for the hell of it. Iceman didn’t like being made fun of last week, so he made his mark here tonight. Iceman: “You’ll see, ACW. I am no longer disposable.” He takes out Pi with the chair as well. Next week, it’s Pi vs. Iceman.
RESULT: No contest. Match was mainly here to set up the post-match beat down. (1/2*)
– Outside, Danger is banging on the door like his name is Chris Brown and the door is Rihanna. Reluctantly, Danger heads toward the parking lot. He tries to no-sell the existence of some nerdy mark, but the nerdy mark no-sells the no-sell. He has every Danger match on DVD, all his toys, and even handheld footage of Danger’s brother dying in the ring. Kid: “But I’ve never watched it, out of respect.” For some reason, Danger actually starts talking to him, and the kid wonders what a High Flyer/Danger match would’ve been like five years ago. Ouch. The kid wants to touch Danger’s prosthetic arm. I hope. The kid tells Danger that he tried to win one of Max’s suits on eBay, but lost to some Buffy fanboy. Hmmm. Wonder who THAT was. Then there were more fans. Danger looks scared. But they just want to party with the Danger Man.
3 – Rejection vs. Darius Daniel?(Scorpion Rules)
Brawling to start, before Rejection grabs a metal sign on the floor and clocks Daniel inside. Daniel gets trash canned, but manages to avoid a kick and take Rejection down. After freeing himself, he blasts Rejection with a trash can shot for one. They brawl on the floor, and Daniel gets payback with the metal sign for two. The fight on the floor continues, and Daniel German suplexes Rejection on the floor for two. More brawling leads to a Rejection Northern Lights suplex for two. Daniel gets posted, and Rejection hits a diving reverse DDT for two. Rejection takes a nasty fall on the barricade as Sect fans makes their presence known. Daniel suplexes Rejection onto the concrete. The fans stomp Rejection. After some more beat down, Daniel gets a two. Back inside, Daniel sets up chairs, then hits a lariat for two. They fight near the chair, with Daniel taking a reverse STO on a chair. Daniel grabs a second chair and charges as Rejection tries for a kick in an ugly spot. A bloody Rejection connects with The Bell Chime for a long two. Both avoid big moves until Rejection connects with Bastard’s Black Headcrusher (running impaler DDT) for three.
WINNER: Rejection via pinfall. Just another Scorpion Rules match. (*1/4)
– Backstage, Brian Spaes and SilverHAWK argue vaguely.
4 – Rory Hayes vs. Brian Spaes (Pits of Hell Death Match)
Fans are warned to beware of flying glass. No ropes. Light tubes. Barbed wire spidernets. Thumbtacks. Just a hunch that we won’t be getting a ***** classic here. As you’d suspect, we get some brawling to start. A headbutt busts Spaes. After a drop toe hold, Hayes batshots Spaes, then locks in a bat-assisted camel clutch. Spaes eventually is able to free himself and grab a light tube. Smashy smashy. Hayes bleeds. Hmm. .59 on the Muta Scale perhaps. Spaes gets a two. Hayes takes two more lights tubes (chest and back) and is bleeding epically now. After some really intense brawling, Hayes gets tossed from the ring into the first pit of hell filled with light tubes, barbed wire, and thumbtacks. Crowd goes silent as Spaes gets a two. They fight on the floor, and Spaes gets tossed face first into the second pit of hell. Hayes gets a two. Back inside, Spaes kicks, but takes a barbed wire fist to the jaw. The brutality continues with Hayes taking a back body drop into the third pit of hell. Oh fuck. Splash by Spaes into the pit for a long two count. Spaes politely disagrees with the ref over the count by Urakening (spinning back fist) the fuck out of him. Spaes gets blasted with several light tubes at once. Fans count five, but a new ref only gets to one. A slow-motion brawl leads to a diving sit out powerbomb from the apron into the final pit of hell for the eventual three.
WINNER: Brian Spaes via pinfall. That was brutal – on a violence scale of 1-10, this was 11. It wasn’t a wrestling match, just a series of attempts to hurt and maim each other while endangering their health. ACW should be ashamed of running this sort of match in 2009. (NR)
Post-match, Spaes tries to kill the referee with a light tube, but Alias stops him. Spaes is crazed, and Alias can’t reason with him. Rejection runs out to try and calm down Spaes. Alias then pulls a dick move and gives Rejection a Scorpion Title shot instead of Spaes. Really good mic work by everyone here.
5 – Johnny Long vs. Kelly Masters
A punch makes Masters very angry. So angry that he squashes Long after unloading with punches, a Dragon suplex, and then a back-mounted full nelson for the submission. Post-match, he hangs on to the submission because he can.
WINNER: Kelly Masters via Submission. Squash. (NA)
– Outside, Max Danger is still hanging out with his fans, including a whale of a woman who wants to use Danger’s prosthetic arm as a sex toy. Some fans praise Masters. Danger fumes to the point where he drops a bottle of unopened beer. The fans mourn the beer, as Danger flees the angry drunks.
– In the ring, it’s time for a funeral. Your funeral directors are Steve Knox, Chris Chambers, Marisa Silvernail and Alice Wright. Inside the casket is the corpse: the Spirit of ACW belt, which is wearing a black suit! Knox just is ON for this segment, and the heat is tremendous. Knox refuses to wrestle until he gets his World Championship title shot. Andy Sharp comes to pay his respects by calling Knox gutless piece of shit because Canadians <3 vulgarity. Sharp would rather hear nails on a chalkboard than hear more Knox whining. Sharp wants a title shot, even saying, “You want to make me have to pin you six hundred times to you having to get a one-count on me to win? You got it.” That sounds fair. The Posse leaves without a fight to boos. Knox = GOD.
– Meanwhile, Kelly Masters (that’s Mr. Kelly Masters to you) has a broken nose. Alias stops by to chat over broken bones and reminisce about Fight Night.
– At the bar, Brian Spaes and Rejection hang out after just another night. Rejection: “Make sure you give your check to the Red Cross this week.”
– Outside, Danger is still running for his life. While taunting a chasing drunk, Danger runs into a door. The janitor looks around for witnesses, then heads back inside. The drunken chase resumes, this time with both guys on hands and knees. Funny.
6 – Jimmy Cain vs. Andy Sharp
Sharp takes over early, and turns an enzuigiri into a leg lock. As Cain almost gets to the ropes, Sharp smartly pulls him back to the center. Cain kicks his way free and gets a two. After several brutal knees to the head, Cain tosses Sharp and goes to an armbar. After Sharp grabs the rope for the break, Cain goes for a diving crossbody that takes both men to the floor. Awesome 450 splash suicida by Sharp! He follows that up with a diving corkscrew leg drop from the apron. Guess we can call him “Mr. Thursday Night.” Back inside, Sharp follows with a somersault leg drop for two. Sharp heads up top for more highspots, but Cain dumps him onto the apron. To the floor, Sharp becomes the meat in a barricade/Jimmy Cain sandwich. Cain follows up with a flapjack into the steel steps! Ouch. Cain: “FUCK YOU STUPID MOOSE-FUCKING, CARIBOU-LOVERS!”
Back inside, Cain lands a bunch of kicks, toying with Sharp. Beast Knee gets two for Cain. Now Cain’s all in the referee’s face with a little, “FUCK YOU YOU PORPOISE-SLAPPING, MOOSE HUMPER!” Stiff shots bust open Sharp, who then gets hip tossed into the turnbuckles! Cain with a powerbomb, but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB SHARP! Left Feet v.2 (superkick) by Sharp for a long two as Cain’s foot is on the rope. Cain fights off a Sharper Image, Sharp avoids a brainbuster, and rolls up Cain for two. Dropsault by Sharp connects. He avoids a Yakuza and hooks Cain for a nice tornado DDT for a long two. Five Sharp Frog Splash? Nothing but shins. WARJIMMY~! Cain adds a roundhouse kick and jams a thumb into Sharp’s Adam’s Apple. The arm falls twice, but suddenly Sharp turns the submission into a pin!
Post-match, Cain is pissed and takes out the referee. Man, tough night to be a referee. This referee abuse should be addressed at some point in-character. You can’t have THREE of them getting brutalized like this and ignore it. Oh, and Jimmy also sucks your mom’s clit, in case you didn’t know.
WINNER: Andy Sharp via pinfall. Awesome surprise ending to the match, just a great finish. This was a good TV main event match. (***1/2)
– Meanwhile, the Sect of Black Wisdom lurks in the shadows and we out.
Final thoughts: Really entertaining show tonight, even if the wrestling wasn’t all that hot most of the way. Wasn’t feeling the Sect stuff, but the main event was really good, Knox’s funeral segment was great, and Danger’s adventures were entertaining. Hey, wasn’t there supposed to be a Seymour Almasy match tonight?