The SCHMUCKS Repost Rant for Battling Ring Angels Naughty Or Nice
– This was my first attempt at an IWC-styled Rant. It’s pretty bad. But, as a reminder, I was drunk and don’t even remember watching this show, which is a shame. Possibly. This Rant (my second) was originally done for THE SCHMUCKSDOTCOM.
– So I interrupted my viewing of X-Pac’s greatest matches to review tonight’s masterpiece, brought to us by the Battling Ring Angels. It’s not quite Pretty Annoying No Talent Yentas, but we’ll see if it’s worth your time. I’ve never watched this company before, never even heard of it. Like I have time to watch BRA when the WWE product is so enthralling of late. Bischoff = love. Enough opener. Let’s get to the show already.
– BRA opening. Far more entertaining than a bra’s opening. That’s all I know. Apparently BRA has gotten some ‘plastic surgery’ and we’re beginning a bigger and better and less real-feeling era. Let’s see if that remains true.
– Wow, they have walking footage in BRA. I’ve never seen that before. Oh, wait, is this opening credits? I hope I paid for this show because so far it’s been worth every penny.
– We’re live in New Orleans with Kenny and Evonne. Kenny is wearing a BRA, yet Evonne is not. Gotta love irony. They get face time for a bit. They review matches. My favorite part of the show. Hype. There is nothing more important than hype these days. Or reminders about why I ordered this show. All that damn coffee, stuff rots your short-term memory. That and these pills I take for my crippling depression due to the fact that I am so painfully funny.
– Out walks Delilah Strain, major shareholder of BRA. Got a live crowd thus far. Nothing gets a crowd more hyped up than a great interview segment. Luckily, we’re getting a double bonus!! Yes, two exclamation points!! Because not only do we get an interview, but an interview with hype for the next PPV!! Sweet. This show is a blow away thus far. Screw the matches. Who needs Canadian classics? Only losers care about work-rate. Oh and the segment goes up to !!! as she introduces people in the crowd!!! The writing is so unique, dear readers, this is great. How can you live without this show? Sadly, the fun ends as Delilah leaves.
– Then we have a morally corrupt ring entrance featuring a woman stripping and making out with a young girl. Sick, sick, sick. BRA is PORN. This is awful. Not gonna waste one more word on it.
Abby Hoffman (w/Muncle) vs. Missy Elliott
Thank God there is no ring announcer to help me. Biggest waste of money in every federation. Give me a good theme song and a mystery any day. Oops, I blinked. Hope I didn’t miss anything. We start with a Missy clothesline. Daniels with a turnbuckle smash. Rope burner. Missy with a dropkick to Abby’s head, then seamlessly heads up top for an elbow to Abby’s back, who nicely rolled onto her breasts for the spot. Abby’s tossed over the top rope. That should be a DQ! But it’s not. Missy tries for a suicsyco body splasho but Muncle pulls Abby to safety. Gravity takes a cigarette break for a few seconds, leaving Missy floating in mid-air. Eventually, gravity rejoins the match and the girls head back inside. First dramatic cover gets a 2 for Abby. Abby with a dropkick. And a scoop slam. Three elbow drops. What a technical masterpiece!!! Abby tries a piledriver but you can’t piledrive Missy. Missy with some punches. Abby with a reversal into more punches!! It’s getting wild kids. This is a hardcore cat fight if I’ve ever seen one. And in a random spot, Abby begins talking to the ref then hitting him in the back. It makes perfect sense to me. Abby reverses an attempted powerbomb with a hurricanranna and a near pin. Abby with a Boston crab. This rest spot has far too much action for me. Give me a headlock any day. She’s clawing her way to the ropes. And I think she got there. Hebner is not refereeing, damn it, we need more Montreal angles. Have not had enough of those just yet. Abby heads up top and for some reason tries for a leg drop but isn’t even close. Missy tries for a suplex, but Abby with a small package reversal thingy of sorts. We’ve got us a pin! Since I have to rate all the matches on the dreaded star system, this one gets ****.
– Post Match Segment (a.k.a. PMS): Missy’s upset. Shelley Marks is in the ring. She gives Abby a coin and tells her to flip it. What a great angle. The coin lands on tails. Despite Abby never saying a word, somehow, she is screwed by tails.
– Oh good, PPV commercials. This is a great one for BRA figures!!!! One of the best commercial spots I’ve ever seen. Must see.
Abby Hoffman vs. Kimberly West
Abby’s gotta work again. Kimberly West is going to be the opposition. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I should have paid attention to the hype. But I was too excited by it to pay attention! Kim with a bitch slap! Fans are pissed, as am I. What a mean girl! Slaps are just…rude. This is all fake. She’s making this too personal…I’ve got to take a break. Brb.
OK, sorry. Kim hits Abby. A whip to the ropes is followed up by a missed clothesline. Kim gets hurricanranad. Wow. I’m thoroughly impressed with her large arsenal of moves thus far. She is up there with Malenko and Benoit. Watch this girl. Roll up. En eternal one count followed by an even longer two count ensures a kick out. Abby with a dropkick. My jaw drops. I am in love. I need an Abby poster on my wall. Abby heads up top and hits a flying clothesline!!!! What a spot!!!! Kim is DEAD!!!! She can’t recover from that!!!! COVER!!!! Even longer one. Even longer two. Kim kicks out. MATCH OF THE YEAR! Abby superkicks Kim in the chin not so sweetly. And Kim’s credibility as a heel is all but gone. Abby charges, but oh, West gets a foot up. Kim with a clothesline from Heaven (as these girls are Angels). Evonne tells us it’s now time for the heel portion of the match to begin. Thank God, I wasn’t sure if the fake momentum had swung yet. Kim stomps a mudhole on Abby but doesn’t walk it dry. The big bad heel stops when the ref says so. Her heat is SO gone. Muncle looks worried his woman Abby is not gonna be able to carry his child. And what a loss that is to our under-populated world. Kim puts Abby in the corner. Choke. Choke. Choke. Punches. Punches. Punches. Oh, this is insane. She’s a big meanie. Crowd all over Kim. Kim with a shoulder tackle. Then a suplex with snap. Kim covers. A ten second one count gives me the chance to run to my bathroom and take a whizz. As my urine hits the bowl, I hear the two count come down. As I flush and rush back to the action, Abby gets out. Thank God I didn’t have to catch the finish on replay! This match is so thoughtful. !! Crowd roots for a tired Abby. Kim with a superduper shoulder breaker. Kim heads up top. Moonsault!!!!! She follows it up with a Grecko-Roman choke hold!! Kim taunts the crowd. BOOO. Kim tries for a body slam, but Abby reverses into a small package. That’s her move, I think, and it ROCKS!! One Mississippi Alabama Hawaii Massachusetts Alaska Minnesota Florida. Two Mississippi North Dakota South Dakota Montana Washington California Virginia. Kim kicks out. Kim hits a Japanese Sushi Poison Driver!!!!! I count to three as the one count comes down, but the drama makes me want to shit. So I run to the bathroom again. Two. I fart. But nothing comes out. False alarm. Guess it was a mental shit. Ah well. Ricky Steamboat vs. Randy Savage can’t hold a candle to this match. Abby gets locked in the figure four!!!! The dramatic rest spot has me jumping up and down in excitement. Will she tap? Will she pass out and be pinned? My erection is so big right now. Crowd loud for Abby. She even gets a non-piped in chant. Oh man am I hard. I’m about to pop. Oh yeah. Cinch it in! Cinch it in! Right there! OH YEAHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Match continues. Somehow, Abby got free. I must’ve missed that somehow. Erm. Kim’s going for it again!!!! It doesn’t take tho. :>( Abby with a backdrop. Kenny tells us that its time for the second face portion of the match. Abby with a spinning thrust kick followed up with a springboard DDT. Kim with a Jericho-sault. Cover. One (two, three, four, five, six, seven) two (three, four, five six) kick out. Abby heads up top. Frog splash. Cover. The referee takes his sweet time. I wonder if he has arthritis? Maybe that’s why the counts are so slow tonight. Kim kicks out. Abby stops selling her fake leg injury and leaps up top and comes off with a somersault missile drop kick!!!! Oh yeah, Kim is dead. Get the body bag. And a plastic surgeon. Uh oh. Yes, it’s time for a run-in!!! Tiffany Lane is out. She attacks Muncle. Abby and Tiffany get testy. Kim rolls up Abby! And has a handful of tights!!!!!! Yes!!!!! Whew. Three count. Oh, what a GREAT, STUPENDOUS, AMAZING, AWESOME, (INSERT ADJECTIVE HERE) finish. Wow. These girls know how to put on a show, I tell ya. *****.
– PMS: Abby checks on Muncle. Kim advances to something. I guess this is a gauntlet style tournament. Shelley Marks and the one-sided coin are back. Apparently the rules to the flipping are if it lands on tails, you lose. I like it. Kim swears, and I lose all respect for this company and the great match she just put on. Sheesh.
Kim West vs. CJ Locke
Oddly enough, Shelley never leaves the ring for this match. She just stays there. Now that is unique. The ref and the interviewer in the ring during a match. BRA = Innovative. Kim attacks. Fight heads outside. Some innovative spots with the ring steps and railing which I’ve never seen before blow my mind. Back inside, Kim covers, and this referee counts like a normal ref. Kick out. Nothing much of note until CJ hits a double leg lariat!! Somersault leg drop!! Swinging neckbreaker. Pin fails. Kim with a DDT and cover on Pinapalooza. But wait! It’s a 3 count! What? No! Waaaaay too short for my liking! Damn Russo! Damn sports entertainment! **** despite its shortness, but points for leaving the interviewer in the ring the whole time.
– PMS: Both Angels are shocked. A fast count is blamed. But I say slow and steady. But thanks for recycling my favorite angle ever: the regular speed fast count. But they topped that angle with the super slow fast count. God bless BRA.
– Ad of some sort.
– Announcers get face time.
Nina Larue vs. Sakura Ito (w/ John Nanakami)
They’re Japanese, and we must be reminded that only the Japanese know how to wrestle. I already knew that! The show suddenly rivals “Baywatch” as we are treated to every inch of Sakura’s body. Crowd is on fire! X-Pac must be in the crowd tonight. Pinapalooza resumes as we have a pin attempt seconds into the match. A bunch of stuff happens that looks oddly familiar to the rest of this show so far, but in different order. Sakura with a giant swing. WTF? The crowd counts along all the way up to 20. That’s a !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if I ever saw one. Spot of the night! And amazingly, neither girl hurls !!!!!!!!!! And Ito even hits a clothesline. Pin, fails. Come on, I hate two second rest spots. Bring out the big guns! Oh yeah, dragon sleeper by Sakura. Arm drops once, twice, but not a third! Oh my night is complete. What is a wrestling event without an arm drop or two? Nothing! Nina with chops. Nina with kicks to Sakura’s boobies! Eight of ’em. Four per. One more kick. Nine with a snap turtle suplex. Two second rest spot. STF!!! Booya! Nina rules. Hair pulling forces a break. Damn it. Another pin after some other stuff. POWERBOMB!! Oh. Can’t powerbomb Sakura either. Nina tries a rana, but you can’t rana Sakura. POWERBOMB!! Nina kicks out. Sakura with a DDT. Phew. We’ve seen such a variety of moves tonight from everyone. My head’s spinning. I need more pills. Brb.
Sakura with punches. Then a spinebuster. POWERBOMB!! No. Nina hits, yes, another rana!!! Points of overuse of moves, always fun to watch. It’s just like watching reruns of “Batman”: if it’s good, it’s good, no matter how many times you watch it. The 2SRS (Two-Second Rest Spot, sick of writing it out, lol). Nina hits a handspring elbow on Sakura. Eh. It ain’t no sleeper hold. I’m sick of high spots. They were cool, but now I’m jaded by them. Or maybe it’s the pills. I need some coffee I think. Another handspring misses. Sakura POWERSLAM! 2SRS. Then Sakura hits something called an Ocean Cyclone Suplex! 2SRS. But this one was a sweet RS. Reversal thingy becomes a full nelson dragon suplex. 10S2SRS. LOL. OMG! KO by Ito. More high spots. 2… someone with a northern lights suplex. Everyone’s so blurry. This is SOOOO entertaining my eyes aren’t worthy. These are tears of joy! Sakura POWERSLAM! Sakura with ONE, now TWO snap POWERBOMBS!! And a sit-out POWERBOMB!!! Cover! 1, 2, 3!!! Oh wow. What a masterpiece that was. Great pacing, great outcome, not quite match of the night but very good for a match with so few quality rest spots. What? A fake three count! Oh man! This match just became MATCH OF THE CENTURY. Granted, we’re only two years in, but for now it is MOTC!! Nina with a low blow? LMAO! Nina hits a DDT! One. Two. Three! What? Another fake three count! I love BRA! Oh the drama. Oh the length! It’s TOPS! Sakura with a ROLL UP. 2…Fans are about to spontaneously combust! And with good reason! Ito’s going for the POWERBOMBS!!! Again. But Nina’s got a chain from inside her shorts! Wonder where she was hiding it, LOL. I’m so funny. Larue hits Sakura with the chain. Nina covers. One. Two. Three. No. What? The bell rings? Awwwwwww. What a lame finish. A three count. Pffft. What the hell is can BRA do to top that! This ones soooo good it gets ******** on a ***** scale.
– Commercial for BRA: The Music. Got my copy from Worst Buy.
– Oh no, it ain’t over. In fact, I rejoin the show in mid-action, as if I accidentally hit my fast forward button or somebody screwed up in the editing booth. But it gives the show a ‘shoot’ feel on par with the great job Russo did in WCW in his feud with Goldberg. It’s that damn good friends.
Kim’s back and she’s got a chair. She hits Nina’s head. Plancha suicyco! Both Angels have fallen. Kim with a POWERBOMB!!! On the floor. Back inside, some wrestling happens for a while. My carpal tunnel is flaring up so I must be briefer now. That and I’m running out of funny material. I’m just kidding because I am the funniest internet reporter on the internet. See how funny I am. Larue hits some move I don’t know the name of. Nina with a flying elbow drop while Kim is standing up!!! Points for originality there! Nina hits a juji-fruit submission hold! Very cool rest spot. Sadly, she gets to the rope. More stuff happens, but CTS people. That and my pause button broke and I can’t get all my witty remarks down. Someone with a German suplex/pin combo. No. Tons of reversals make this match super awesome. Nina hits something called Shining Wizard. But 2…Now we see a release Dragon suplex. Nina flying clothesline. POWERBOMB!! Another POWERBOMB!! Kick out keeps this classic going. Because short matches don’t take enough time! Kim ends up hitting a Senton bomb. The move wasn’t as cool as the time it took for her to climb the ropes and tip her invisible hat. 2… Reverse. Pin. Reverse. Pin. Reverse. Pin. Ropes. Bell. Ring. Over. Awwww. It was good. Very good. Great end with the illegal rope use. Very innovative with the ref missing it. *****
The arena goes dark, killing the crowd.
Akira Hagawa…The Killing Wind & “The Fixer” Shannan Fitz vs. Casey Gaines & Delilah Strain
For the next half hour, we see every detail of Akira and Shannan’s clothing and movements. Kinda like a sex scene without any sex. Very nice. Gaines and Strain are soon to open the law office Gaines & Strain. OMG, ROTFLMAO. Fitz and Delilah to start. Killing time. Good match so far. Waiting. How do I summarize a tag match. Too many people. So much entertainment. You can’t go wrong with tag team action. No new moves used early on. Delilah with a savate kick from Akira. It’s like the WWE, but with chicks! When are the boxers and briefs matches? LOL. Delilah = McMahon, but much BETTER. Whole bunch more stuff happens. Delilah kicks Akira’s crotch. Why, I don’t know. Women don’t have anything to hurt there! Delilah = super over, good thing she owns the fed! How can this fed ever close when she’s so popular! She hits Akira. Strain covers! Three. Not a classic, but good nonetheless. The owner’s got a lot to learn about putting on a REAL match. ****
– PMS: There is some fighting. Bray hits a POWERSLAM! On Fitz. Gaines and Strain add a partner to their future firm of Gaines, Bray & Strain.
– Commercial break. These have been great tonight, as always.
Sissy Landers vs. “Lightning” Lindsay Locke (for the BRA WORLD TITLE)
Main event time. Fiona Miranda is the ring announcer for this contest. Guess she was busy collection beads and flashing guys until now. Oh well. We finally get the line of the night by Kenny: Thank you. Pretty much sums up my whole ‘rant.’ LOL. Um, not much happening here early, the announcers make up for it with boring banter. Somehow a two count happens. Sissy gets speared. The crowd pops for the first time in a while. Lindsay punches away on Sissy. Sissy gets chopped and the crowd goes Whoo-ld. Lindsay with a spinebuster. She goes for a Jerichosault but gets the deadly shins to the guts. After a cool rest spot, Lindsay gets choked on the middle rope and has a NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE!!! Sweet. After a heavenly clothesline, we have a cover and one, two thr-NO count. Middle turnbuckle fist assault! Oh yeah! These girls can entertain with the men ANYDAY if they keep putting out quality produce like this. Crowd counts along to eight only this time (damn, I was hoping for 25!). Sissy’s pelvis gets driven into Lindsay’s outstretched thigh. Oh man, that was very technical. They should NAME THAT MOVE! It’s so GOOD! After a heavenly clothesline, Lindsay gets the one two threNO count I am in total love with right now. Irish whip reversed and reversed again! Over the top rope goes Sissy. Lindsay comes running with a suisyco leapo. Lindsay smashes Sissy into the ring post twice. Crowd loves that spot. As do I! OH NO. Sissy’s JUICING! This is awful. Girls don’t bleed! Oh, I think I’m going to be sick. Sissy takes a spot and slams Lindsay into the steps. Sissy improvises a suisyco bulldog! Lindsay = spread eagled and unconscious, just the way I like my women. LOL.
And we move to paragraph 2, so you know this match is tight. And Sissy gets a chair. Two chicks are gonna get hardcore!! But a boot is far more entertaining than a chair shot, and Sissy loses the chair. Sissy gets DDTed on the chair. Sissy IS dead! Lindsay RESTS! YES! We go back inside and it gets better! Lindsay heads up top, crowd is Hellishly hot. She front flips but Sissy moves! Oh that was good. Can this fed do wrong? Sissy slams Lindsay into the buckle and heads up top after a Russian leg sweep. Sissy Splash connects. One. Two. Three. NO! Yes! I love false finishes, I want more damnit! Foot on the rope. But sadly, it is seen by the referee. Oh, man, BRA just blew a perfect 5-star PPV. We’re gonna have to start back at zero stars after that bad spot. We head outside for the announce table spot! Oh yeah! Sissy sets her up and goes all psychosuisyco but misses! We have a splat. But no table break. Making this a very original match. Less table breakage equals better match, readers. Oh, and they top that last spot with an even better one! Cleaning off the announce table so Lindsay’s opponent won’t get hurt! Oh, I love that! Adds such realism to the ‘feud’ and ‘hatred’ concept. A less evolved man would make a crack about how a woman is finally doing her job, but not ME because I am so funny I don’t have to stoop that low. Lindsay DDT on the floor. She picks up the corpse and prepares to beat the dead horse on the announce table with an ascent to the top turnbuckle. Froggy splash! Unfortunately, this time the table breaks. So we once again return the PPV to zero stars. Man, this match is WCW-caliber! Back inside. We have a one, two, three in non-dramatic fashion. Title defended successfully, which is a bonus, but not enough to rescue this DUD of a main event.
– PMS: Oh yes, here we go. My favorite segment, Kenny is going into the ring to interview the exhausted battler. Crowd’s nuts for Lindsay’s amazingly well spoken interview, despite having a tough, grueling match, she ain’t even panting. Lights out. Here comes The Dark Angel Janus for the post-match fellow combatant congratulation! Ooh. This may salvage the PPV! Bonus: they’re old friends! YES! Janus throws down a challenge! Denied! Janus ain’t happy. Oddly enough, Lindsay turns her back and Janus stabs her in it with a sneak attack! Oh, YES. Piledriver by Janus! Mudhole is stomped AND walked dry, which I’m not a big fan of, but OK. They’re trying something a little unique here with the post match attack. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Janus on the stick says she is upset about being a freak. But not an eight-legged one by God. Janus with the BITCH SLAP! Lindsay is DEAD! She piledrives the corpse once more. And then the segment is ruined by a misspeak, and I quote: “Our friendship is over! You will give me a title shot… of I will take it from you in blood!”
Normally, I’d love this. But it’s so cliched at this point. It sells her being a ‘freak’ too well, and I hate good character development like that. So, yes, we are back to zero stars, but it’s only down from a half-star, so no real loss for BRA. And we out.
A moment for us
Well, the name of the show was Naughty or Nice. Well, the show was neither Naughty or Nice, thus, this show continues to lose its value. While there were quite a few spots, unless the main event is there, the show isn’t worth it for me. And it was not there. BRA shot itself in its pretty little feet and blew it for me. So if I have to tell you to buy this when it comes out on DVD, why not? I mean, if you’re gonna buy this or porno, you might as well buy this. What good would porno do you? None. With this show, you’ll get a few good matches and some girls wrestling each other. Same difference, just a few more clothes. Which is somehow sexier and more arousing. That, and most of you are not yet old enough to buy porno. I know I’ll never watch this show again. Let’s go my ratings for our final grade:
Fed name = sigh
PPV name = misleading
Match quality = irrelevant
Interview quality = best in the business (or damn close)
Walking footage = where was it?
Announcers = excellent on mute
Angle development = five minutes out of the PPV is way too much.
Rest spot value = very little
X-Pac appearance = nope
Entire card star = (zero)
My suggestion? If you come across this show, get drunk and watch it. This card is so flat, no BRA could support it. Cheers!