So yeah, this is a week late. But hey, EWTorch has forums now, so it was worth the wait, right? Only adults need join. Our motto is a simple one, and comes courtesy of one Jeff Garvin: “No Douchebags!”
June 18, 2009
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
– Show opens backstage with John Hurst finding out that tonight he’s facing *gasp!* a jobber. There’s one Lifetime movie of the week we haven’t seen yet.
– Elsewhere, Landon Stevens lets us know that ACW isn’t ready for him, so he leaves. I’ll never forget you! Ah, the memories. Like, that time, he let us know that ACW wasn’t ready for him. That was a time.
– In-ring, Spirit of ACW Champion Trevor Wilson is out to issue his standard open challenge, which is accepted by…Alias. The rules for this defense: Scorpion rules, knockouts and pinfalls only (no submissions).
1 – Trevor Wilson vs. Alias (Spirit of ACW Title Match)
Early, Alias hits a DDT for one, but Wilson later reverses a Russian leg sweep into a sidewalk slam, then hits a reverse DDT of his own for one. The match heads to the floor, and Wilson uses a chair and the security barricade to get a five count on Alias. After some brawling, Alias gains the advantage with a snap suplex for two. Wilson fights back with a neckbreaker for one, only to end up taking a pair of stiff clotheslines from Alias for a nearfall. Later, Alias takes an ugly powerbomb from the ring to the floor. Alias takes an eight count before Wilson heads out looking to inflict more damage. Back inside, Alias blasts Wilson with a chair for a nearfall. But Wilson fights back and catches Alias for the Bastard’s Black Headcrusher (implant DDT) onto the chair for the win.
WINNER: Trevor Wilson via pinfall. Solid action here, and a big win for Wilson, who’s definitely earning his way to good things in ACW. However, Alias was pretty lucky not to get seriously injured in that ugly powerbomb spot. I’m sure somebody will be talking to Wilson about that one. (**)
– Backstage, Ikan Jobtayoo puts Conrad Ramsey in charge of his merchandise stand and looks for to confront John Hurst about knocking over his stand last week. Instead, he finds accountant Miles Graceland, who uses the “Whatever, whatever, he does what he wants” defense. A mysterious voice inside Hurst’s locker room tells Graceland to shut the door. Wait a second…
– Backstage, Andy Sharp tries to give that lovable loser Mach 2 a pep talk. Mach: “I think The Green River Killer is more qualified to give pep talks than you.” Andy: “Wow. I, sir, just got owned.”
2 – Johnny Long vs. John Hurst
Hurst pummels Long, then hits a death valley driver. Yep, that’s it.
WINNER: John Hurst via pinfall. Just a squash.
– Backstage, Chris Moliano arrives, finds himself not booked, and leaves. Was that necessary?
– Kelly Flawless is out to heatless death to let us know where Da Jimmay Cain is at: “Jimbo had to take a little ‘trip’. He had too much ‘chocolate milk’ and he started to feel a little ‘funny’ so he took a nice little ‘vacation‘ to his ‘happy place.‘ Of course, by ‘chocolate milk‘, I mean heroin. And by felt a little ‘funny’, I mean he overdosed. And by vacation, I mean forced sabbatical. And by ‘happy place’, I mean rehab.” It’s funny because it’s true. K-Flaw is still mighty pissed about having his chow time interrupted by one Frank Dylan James. FDJ heads out and it’s ON. K-Flaw asks if FDJ ever found that beer he left him. FDJ: “Yeah, matter’a fact ah did, raht next to a big ass cheesecake that yew missed ya tubby baysterd.” Battle rap time. K-Flaw’s ends with a diss of James having “wheels on his house.” FDJ’s rap laments the fact that his sister won’t let him fist her, though she loves tugging on his wang. Lovely. But it ain’t over, muthafuckas! K-Flaw gets ***** for this superdopewhack shit: “Rednecks thinkin’ they gots rappin’ ability. Stick to what you do best, son. Maybe you should go join those retards in Hostility.” He also tells FDJ to make like a tree and go fuck himself. THIS SHIT IS FUCKIN’ B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I’m totally marking out!
Did I just write that? That’s so out-of-character for me. *Ahem* Oh, and Flawless passes da mic to FDJ’s skull! Beyotch! Montreal didn’t like ’em, but fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke! Right?
– The Heirs of Wrestling (Ryan Gallway and Frank Pierce) cut a fun heel promo, during which Pierce screams, “DO’EST THOU NOT COMPREHEND WHO THOU ART DEALING WITH? YOU, SIRS AND MADAMS, ARE ASSHATS OF THE HIGHEST TIER OF ASSHATTERY!” Alexandria Malone, the younger sister of former Action! Wrestling star Joey Malone, joins their cause, despite the fact they check out her ass about 20 times during this promo. She tells ACW to “bow before us!”
– Backstage, Alias, the Original Pulp Private Investigator, is trying to find out the answer to last season’s cliffhanger: Who Killed Seymour Almasy? Tonight’s suspects: Brian Spaes and Trevor Wilson, a.k.a. “The Minutemen.” Clue! Clue! Spaes blames “they,” who are taking ACW away from the fans. Who are “they”? “Hawk! The Roys!”
3 – Mach 2 vs. Ryan Gallway (w/Frank Pierce & Alexandria Malone)
Mach is in control early, goes all rotaty and hits a swinging neckbreaker out of headscissors for two. After a pair of nearfalls, Mach looks for a moonsault, but Gallway trips him up and unleashes several kicks for a nearfall of his own. Gallway works the arm, even hitting a nice northern lights suplex with a hammerlock. A running leg lariat gets Gallway two. Mach starts a comeback after a stiff enzuigiri. A 540 kicks gets Mach another nearfall, as does a rolling clutch pin and a shining wizard. But Gallway manages to hit a single-arm DDT and locks in the Precision Lock (chickenwing armbar) for the submission.
Post-match, Gallway, Pierce and Malone further attack Mach 2, bringing out Andy Sharp with a steel chair for the save.
WINNER: Ryan Gallway via submission. Short, solid match with some nice athleticism and in-ring action from both guys. (*1/2)
– Backstage, woe is Ikan Jobtayoo. But the woe grows, like woah, when John Hurst beats him up and steals his T-shirts for rags.
– In-ring, Iceman wants to know why the FUCK he isn’t on your fucking cocksucking children’s motherfucking T-shirts. I can see it now:
I is for “I think you’re a cocksucker!”
C is for “Cocksucker!”
E is for “Everyone is a cocksucker!”
M is for “Man, everyone is a fucking cocksucker!”
A is for “All I see are cocksuckers!”
N is for “N-N-N-N-N-swerved you, fuckbags, thought I’d say cocksucker again somehow, didn’t ya, motherfuckers!?”
Also, he tells us through interpretive lyricism that he totally rocked Preston Baxter like a hurricane, in the sense of getting the fucking piss beat out of him.
4 – Brian Spaes vs. Andy Sharp
Winner becomes the number one contender for the World Championship. After connecting with a leg lariat early for one, Sharp takes over, focusing his attack on Spaes’ arm. Spaes goes to the eyes for a momentum changer, but then gets rana’d over the top rope. Suicida elbow from Sharp connects. Back inside, Sharp gets two. He hits a standing moonsault and enzuigiri before they do battle over a German suplex, which turns into a bridging northern lights suplex for two. Sharp misses a Yakuza kick, which lets Spaes hit a dragon suplex pin for two. After a blue thunder powerbomb, Sharp is ready for some Leet Feet superkick action, until the Heirs of Wrestling hop the rail for a distraction. Spaes ducks the superkick and hits Uraken (spinning back fist) for the win.
WINNER: Brian Spaes by pinfall. OK match. With a World Championship shot at stake, I figured we’d see a longer match. Spaes barely had any offense, the finish was abrupt, and I really hate finishes in which a wrestler gets distracted by outside wrestlers. Spaes is a good choice here to challenge Danger, but a solid showing and a clean win would have been a nice way to establish him as a legit threat after losing the Alias feud, especially if Sharp is going to tag team duty. (*1/2)
– Backstage, Trevor Wilson lets ACW’s King Max Danger know that he’s got a guaranteed shot at the World Championship, which Wilson earned by beating Steve Knox a while back.
– Backstage, Alias, P.I., morphs into “24” as Alias “interrogates” Khristian Keller using his title belt. Keller proves torture doesn’t work by telling Alias what he wants to hear. SOCIAL COMMENTARY~! Keller tells Alias he didn’t attack Almasy, though he wanted to, then does some awesome work getting into Alias’ head: “I’m not going to take your job as this company’s saving grace. You seem to be doing a nice enough job pissing off people, yourself. … They were right about you, you’re slipping Hero, and it’s a fucking slippery slope my nicotine smelling friend. I wonder what you will do, when the crowd turns on you. Again.” Keller calls him a fraud, so Alias hits him with the Scorpion Title Belt. Very good segment. I’m loving this feud.
– Backstage, Avis Flyfield and Mr. Wrestling Pi are ready. Most likely to job.
5 – Pi In the Sky (Avis Flyfield & Mr. Wrestling Pi) vs. Unknown Elements (Shawn Arrows & Carlos Lopez) (w/Jessica Jenkins)
This one’s pretty much all Elements early, so they hijack a camera and let the Heirs of Wrestling know they’re coming for them. They hit a nice missile dropkick into a brainbuster combo on Flyfield, and Arrows follows up with a nice moonsault leg drop. The Brody Brothers, on motorcycles, interrupt the match, do a lap, flip off the Elements, then ride off into the sunset. Odd. Pi gets his team’s only nearfall when he counters a DDT attempt into a northern lights suplex. Later, Lopez catches Pi up top for the Top Rope 450 Insomnia (a sort of flipping slam).
WINNER: Unknown Elements via pinfall. Not much drama here, as it was mostly a showcase for Unknown Elements, and it was longer than it needed to be. Also not sure why the Brody Brothers would be allowed to come out on motorcycles if they aren’t even employed without security going on the attack. Ah, wrestling logic. (*)
– Backstage, Khristian Keller spits.
– In-ring, Shepherd and Max Danger arrive to find out the stipulation for their match. Danger enters via drunks carrying him on a throne once again, but Shepherd suicide dives out and knocks over the throne. Shepherd obliterates the drunks, then Danger taunts Shepherd with Armsy. We’ve got a ladder match. Now.
6 – Shepherd vs. Max Danger (w/Marcus the Smark) (Ladder Match for Armsy McDanger)
Non-title here. The artificial arm that originally belonged to Shepherd is suspended over the ring instead of a title belt. We learn Shepherd is afraid of heights, which adds a very interesting twist to this one. Shepherd must overcome his fear of heights to recover one of his most-prized possessions from the man he hates. With Shepherd still in shock, Danger climbs up looking for a quick win, but Shepherd recovers and knocks over the ladder, slamming Danger to the canvas. The fight heads outside, where Danger pleads for his life, but instead gets a chair kicked into his face. Shepherd takes a long time looking up at Armsy, before he slooooooooooowly starts climbing. Shepherd smashes Danger into the ladder, dumps the ladder, then just starts pummeling Danger. Disturbing moment sees Shepherd take off his prosthetic arm and punch Danger’s ass with his stump. There’s a lawsuit.
Back on the floor, Shepherd avoids Danger’s attempt at sliced bread #2 and tosses him through the announce table. Shepherd then hits Danger with several knees to the head, then heads back inside to sloooooowly climb again, giving Danger the chance to recover and hit a springboard dropkick, and Shepherd gets his arm pinned in the ladder. Top rope double foot stomp onto the ladder! Danger climbs, Shepherd looks to stop him, and Danger with jumps off and DDT Shepherd. They trade elbows, with Shepherd getting the better, until Danger hits Dangerous III (roaring elbow). Danger climbs, but Shepherd lifts the ladder and dumps him over the top rope. Teeter-totter to Sheperd’s face! Ouch. Danger nails Shepherd with the ladder. Shepherd fights back, but misses a corner spear, and Danger nails his good arm with a chair.
After a chair shot and shining wizard, Danger looks to climb again, but Shepherd grabs onto his ankle and climbs up behind Danger. BULLDOG ONTO THE CHAIR! And Shepherd is busted wide open. Things get brawly before Danger hits several rapid-fire elbows and a dropkick. Shepherd avoids a flying knee and goes to work on Danger’s leg. Shepherd looks to use the steel post to injure Danger’s leg, but Danger pulls his head into the post instead. Danger climbs, but so does Shepherd, who is able to hang Danger upside down. Prosthetic hits prosthetic and they fight up top. The ladder tips over, Danger rips off Shepherd’s prosthetic hand, but then gets his head caught in the ropes. And Shepherd hangs on! He retrieves Armsy for the win.
Post-match, Shepherd celebrates, then leaves Armsy in the ring and smiles, victorious, at Danger.
WINNER: Shepherd via retrieving Armsy McDanger. Very good main event. While it wasn’t an innovative ladder match, it told a great story and had some solid action and avoided contrived spots. Also, attempted stump rape? Don’t need to see that again. Ever. (***1/2)
Final thoughts: Another overall fun show. The new characters are mixing in nicely, and ACW remains my favorite wrestling promotion. I’m a bit unsure about giving guys like Hurst, Jobtayoo, and Heirs of Wrestling multiple segments this early in their tenure, as you want to avoid pushing new guys down the fans’ throats. On the flipside, we need more main event development. A serious Shepherd promo early on could have given the main event more weight (and the viewers more back story and insight into Shep’s motivation/mindset). Also, more Keller/Alias please!