CCW Lockdown 5/4/09 Report

– Today’s review comes to us from Cyberspace Championship Wrestling. This is their first show since 2004. That’s about all I know about it as we begin our tale.

– One other quick piece of business: I’ll be on vacation after this report and without the Internet, so don’t expect any show reviews until around May 20 or so. So there won’t be an E-Wrestling Magazine review next week, nor any blog updates. Feel free to send in show review suggestions and keep e-mailing me your Best of April 2009 nominations.

Cyberspace Championship Wrestling Lockdown 5/4/09 Report

May 4, 2009
Washington, D.C.

– President Jonathan Stevens welcomes us to the show by discussing an eight-man tournament to crown the CCW Heavyweight Champion and shows off the big gold belt.

– Your host is Jeremiah Rossendale.

1 – “Broadway” Danny Rose vs. Blake Hollister (CCW Heavyweight Championship Tournament Match)

Blake gets the jobber intro. Rose with a corner ass grab? Uh boy. To the corner again, but this time, Hollister gets humped doggy style. High-class entertainment, that is. Hollister punches his way free, then Rose goes down. From a shoulder block, people! Hollister no doubt commits some sort of hate crime here as he stomps Rose. But Rose fights back with a (donkey?) punch and then a knee lift. A happy, dare I say, gay, Rose, stuffs Hollister between his legs and then connects with a 69 piledriver (inverted tombstone) for the three. Post-match features something that is at best naughty, and at worst inappropriate crotch-to-face touching.

WINNER: “Broadway” Danny Rose via pinfall. Mamma mia…Just a short comedy match. Odd and potentially risky way to kick off a wrestling company in their first show back. (1/4*)

– In a loading area, Orio Glassomilko interviews “The Roughneck” Stan Allen. Glassomilko speaks with some sort of Asian accent. Allen’s going to show everyone what a real man is. Somebody bumps into Allen, so Allen intimidates him away. Continuing, Allen promises to whip some ass, then a medical person walks by and bumps into Allen, knocking both of them down. A heavy box lands on Allen’s hand, apparently breaking his fingers. But he’s a roughneck, and he’s gonna wrestle.

[Commercial break.]

2 – Elijah “The Hero” Archer (w/Rhino) vs. Tommy Glass (CCW Heavyweight Championship Tournament Match)

Archer drives out on a four-wheeler. He’s got beer and a T-shirt cannon. Hey, some of us are still mourning Maude Flanders. Too soon! Too soon! Glass charges into a drop toe hold. Glass pummels Archer with punches, but Archer recovers with a powerslam. Glass with kicks, and then a shoulder block sends Archer to the floor. Suicide dive connects, and also takes out Rhino. Archer hits Glass with a beer can, and Glass blades. I wonder if Glass had to use a diamond instead of a razor blade? Back in at nine, Archer connects with a missile dropkick for two. Stompity stomp stomp. Archer hits a snap suplex for two. The referee’s name is Dick Strange? Bwahahahaha! Glass with a chinbreaker, prompting Rhino to rear his ugly head and distracts Dick Strange. Glass forces a young, innocent virgin turnbuckle to get naked, and Dick Strange apparently wants to make it a three-way, but he gets smooshed for the ref bump. Rhino slides Archer a chair, but Glass avoids it, and Archer takes a Glass Ceiling into the exposed turnbuckle. The ref’s still sleeping it off, so Glass wakes him up and we finally get the three.

WINNER: Tommy Glass via pinfall. Weird ending sequence. Was the ref bump even necessary there? Match was nothing special. (*)

[Commercial break.]

– Backstage, some chick asks Hyan Borg if he’s ready. In addition to being bored, he’s also un-American, which is pretty easy to be when you’re part Korean and Swedish and you hang out in Afghanistan. He wanders off in search of something to break. How ’bout your fuckin’ face?

– Backstage, Orio Glassomilko and The Eagle confuse each other. Glassomilko’s got the stereotypical bit down. Now he needs to add some funny material to make this something other than just offensive and a blatant rip off of Funaki’s old “number one Smackdown announcer” bit.

3 – “The Roughneck” Stan Allen vs. The Eagle (CCW Heavyweight Championship Tournament Match)

Allen gains the early advantage and stomps Eagle. Eagle with a headlock, but Allen shoves him off and lands a flying forearm. Allen sells his broken finger pain. Clothesline gets two. As Allen argues with the ref, Eagle charges, and Allen KTFOs him with the injured hand for the win.

Post-match, they cut to surveillance footage of shadowy figures making a deal to fake an injury and tape brass knuckles to his “broken fingers.” Allen’s injury was an inside job! And yes, the footage leaves no doubt that it’s Allen as his face becomes clear at the end. For some reason, this surprises the crowd, so they throw their garbage at him. The referee reverses the decision. How old school is that? Answer: very.

WINNER: The Eagle via disqualification. Very short match that established Allen as a lying heel. Just not a smart enough one to avoid being caught on camera. (1/4*)

– Backstage, Elijah Archer and Rhino argue. They’re interrupted by a drive-by bitch slapping by Tommy Glass. Stop the white-on-white violence!

4 – Scott “The Body” Adams vs. “Totally Bored” Hyan Borg (CCW Heavyweight Championship Tournament Match)

Borg connects with a back boredplex. Borg twice drops a boring elbow, then slams Adams’ leg to the mat. Borg yawns. They trade shots before Adams scores with a sidewalk body slam. Borg, no doubt an immigrant Swine-flu carrying Islamic communist socialist terrorist, causes the xenophobic fans to chant “USA!” in an attempt to exorcise the evil inside him with holy patriotism. Borg almost pulls a Sandman and falls asleep during the match before boredplexing Adams. Dull-ving headbutt by Borg connects for two. Disinterested knee lift followed by the 38th Parallel gets a three.

Post-match, Borg is totally bored by Hustler magazine. Fans chant “USA” as Adams leaves. Rossendale signs off and we fade out on a shot of Washington, D.C.

WINNER: “Totally Bored” Hyan Borg via pinfall. Well, fittingly, I was totally bored by this match. (1/4*)

Final Thoughts: Well, it was short. Not the most talented group of workers, a couple awful gimmicks, and nothing very compelling in terms of angles going on. This almost felt like a parody fed at times, but without the jokes to drive it home. Hopefully they can remedy the numerous shortcomings quickly, or else CCW may be on hiatus for another five years.