The SCHMUCKS Repost Rant for EHW Vengeance
– This Rant (my second) was originally done for THE SCHMUCKSDOTCOM in 2002 I’d guess. I was EXTREMELY drunk when I watched and reviewed this show. I would redo this Rant, but the tape is long gone, and besides, the show was horrible.
– So after being relentlessly flooded with hate mail wondering who in the hell I was to give matches 8 stars on a 5 star scale (mostly from Not Keith) I’ve decided to use a much simpler rating system this time out. Um, well, actually, no I haven’t. Nobody understands my ranking system, not even I. I’m too drunk and medicated to make any sense. If not for spell check this article would be an embarrassment. But I digress.
– So, I’m still waiting for the best of X-Pac Vol. 13 from frvideo.com, so in the meantime, it’s time for another review. Tonight, we get to spend an evening with Extreme Hardcore Wrestling’s latest offering, “Vengeance.” Since I’m sure you’re all tingling just like my head is right about now, let’s get to it, eh?
– Shortest opening ever is quickly followed by fireworks. We are in Canada, and it appears our announcers have some sort of accent themselves (odd, since it’s JR and The King), as if they’re trying to fit in with the country. Announcne? Is that French for announce? Eh? We in Canada? Eh? Yep we’re in for un wild ride with 12 matches.
Masta Gangsta vs. Justin Credible vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
Well, we join the match already in progress apparently as Masta and Justin attack Austin out in the crowd. They double team Austin. Is this a handicap match? I love this sort of stuff. I don’t know what I’m watching! Mystery stipulations rule! They try for a table spot, but it doesn’t happen, as if this is a table match. Gangsta helps Austin there not go through it with a suplex. Why? Who knows? Who cares! Art needs no explanation! Credible with a whoopsie kick into Gangsta. Then attacks him. Now Austin and Credible work together for some reason and attack Gangsta. He then hops back into the ring and breaks up a cobra clutch Austin found himself in. After a suplex which Austin no-sells! Austin tosses Gangsta outside, then knee drops him. Cover on the outside? Umkay. So, this is apparently a handicap triple threat table falls count anywhere match? Points for overbooking!!! Gangsta hits a stunner on Austin. Gangsta hits Austin with a belt in the head? What belt? I don’t know, and I don’t need to know! Too entertained, brain overwhelmed.
Credible and Gangsta brawl. Austin spinebusts Credible but incredibly, only gets a two. If Arn Anderson were in his grave he’d turn over. And then start crawling at the top of his coffin! Thank you, I’ll be here until the end of this column. Austin hits a white Russian leg sweep. Austin with a sleeper.Meanwhile, Gangsta = $$$ as he is selling like a mofo right now, a.k.a. MONSTER REST SPOT!!! This is GOLD as this DOUBLE REST SPOT continues!!! But sadly, Credible hits a belly to back suplex. Brawling. Credible dropkicks Gangsta to the floor so he can nap some more! Credible with a moonsault!! High spot fever! Oh and it was perfectly aimed onto Austin’s knees. Austin didn’t even have to move his legs. That’s how you work together kids. Lou Thesz press, but no punches. Gangsta has a chair and hits Credible. Austin stuns Gangsta. And then for some reason pins Credible despite just hitting his finisher on Gangsta. *Scratches head* It’s daring, but I LIKE IT! Nonsensical spot progressions are gold. Austin with a SUPERPLEX from NOWHERE! And a second one! Damn. Only two. But Gangsta now hits the Benoit five-for-a-dollar German suplexes on Austin. Gangsta tries to stock up for winter, but a mule kick stops him. Then things get AWESOME as Credible locks Austin in a Boston crab. And Gangsta puts Credible in a crossface!!! Another DOUBLE RESTHOLD. Credible then BLOWS the match with some sort of bad submission move attempt. More suplexes. Snore. Credible tosses Gangsts outside, Austin hits a stunner. He then puts Credible on the table and heads to the top rope? Huuuh? Austin with a suicida jumpa ends with splinters! Oh, he crushed that table as if he were married to it! And Justin Credible wins? Yeah. JR then comes out of his slumber and tells us what a great match we saw. So, on a scale of *****, this match, just for the FUN factor and its great LENGTH, gets a (*****) despite Justin’s BLOWN spot.
Lana Star vs. Sharmell
And apparently this is a compilation show as we cut right into the next match. I guess this week’s show was produced by the local high school studio class. Production values = thru the roof! Very basic stuff with this match from the chicks. Chokes, clotheslines, suplexes, knees. Lana is a FEMALE SUPLEX MACHINE, but unlucky for her, I HATE SUPLEXES! Yes, they SUCK! I said it. Suplexes suck. Lana with elbows and a backbreaker. But the girls make some headway as Star locks in a modified camel clutch. Some more stuff before Sharmell hits a fisherman BORINGMOVE. No pin. Lana eventually reverses a rollup, grabs some tightage and gets the cheaty heel win. As JR is hit with his end of the match broom handle, he tells us Lana keeps the Women’s Title and a TDA. What is a TDA? I have no idea. (ZERO).
Jay vs. Tommy Dreamer (I Quit Match)
After a sloppy cut from the previous match (unless I keep falling asleep which is not out of the realm of possibility), Jay and Dreamer start before their introductions (one assumes) and brawl to the ring. Here comes the plunder. *Sigh.* Dreamer hits a crossbody. The editing now crawls into the match as somehow they’re now outside and Jay rams Dreamer into the steel post. Dreamer UNDERTAKERS and punches back. Tree of woe for Jay as Dreamer stomps a mudhole. Jay low blows Dreamer and starts hitting him with the whacky cracky stick. Jay with some trash can lid innovation before Dreamer reversed. Dreamer set up a garbage can. Then he raked some sort of weapon I can’t make out no matter how many times I rewind this show. Then he hits a DDT into the trash can. Here comes the mic, and Jay cries uncle. (ZERO). No rest spots, just pure hardcore wrestling. Damn this fed!
– Backstage, Vin-man talks to EO. The ‘segment’ ends when Vince tells his cameraman (that he no doubt told two econds earlier to come tape the segment) to leave. King then shoots on the product, saying “I don’t like it.” Line of the night folks, and there aren’t many to choose from. OK, so maybe I’m quoting out of context. Come sue me EHW! Better yet, sue Not Keith for giving me this tape. I got some hot pokers for ya Keith!
Bone Collector and Shawn Michaels vs. Goldberg (Cage Match)
Crowd finally reacts. I’m assuming the audio was so bad I couldn’t hear them before. We’re treated to the luxury of introductions, which, now, I see as quite pointless. We’re off to a bad start and it’s a cage match. Sheesh. Double team action. Dropkick by Bone. HBK is reversed into the cage. Goldberg swats away Bone. Gorilla press slam. HBK oversells that cage shot. HBK = $$$. Goldberg dominates, surprise, surprise. Good angles are good angles people. BC gets the advantage for a minute but it doesn’t last because You Can’t Sell If You’re Goldberg. HBK tries for a jail break but Goldberg acts like a security guard and treats HBK like his bitch. More brutal punches on all sides. And stomps too! Sports entertainment meets hardcore wrestling. A match made in EHW. Then they change things up with as Bone Collector DDTs HBK for no apparent reason. Wasn’t this a 2 on 1 handicap match or do they just make up the stips as we go along? Is this a heel turn? JR, KING, WAKE UP AND GUIDE ME! But they don’t. The announcers are playing the part of God this evening. Bone Collector leaves. But yet the match doesn’t end? Umm. Heel turn or not, they were still partners. Which makes this? UNIQUE AS ALL HELL! Goldberg uses the distraction and hits a jackhammer on HBK. Goldberg then leaves and the match ends. I guess this was a Steel Cage Kill Time Until Goldberg Wins Match. Poor Shawn. If only he had heard the stipulations before this match, perhaps his back could’ve acted up. Oh well. For the unique booking, I give this match (**). Nothing else here.
Edge vs. dread vs. Hogan (Guest ref = Warlock)
Warlock says he’ll be fair. He seems to be a heel. Generic ring entrances for both fighters. Hogan is late and takes over and then chats with Warlock. Edge low blows Hogan. Boo. Hogan = GOD. Wait, no, X-Pac = God. Hogan = God’s Number 2. Anyway. Edge with a Boston crab, but Hogan ruins the rest spot. Hmm. This is why Hogan is not the top wrestling God. He’s got the selling and politicking down pat, but he still must let others rest. Hogan with a MARK OUT boot to dread, but the elder man has trouble pinning in a timely manner. Hogan develops a cramp so Edge tries to work it out with a swift kick. Edge tries to pin thy almost-God but cannot. Dread then locks on a move called the finger four(?) on Hogan. I’m assuming it’s just his ‘special’ name for it since it’s the same as the REST SPOT DU JOUR, the figure-four leglock. Hogan goes to the ropes. Eventually the hold is broken (hey, Warlock knows a good hold, he lets it go for as long as possible according to the script) and Edge attacks dread before POWERBOMBING him and tossing him outside. Hogan then rolls up Edge. Warlock stops the count so Hogan punches him. LEG DROP on dread! Can this man do any wrong tonight (aside from breaking up other’s rest spots, which he has EARNED the right to do mind you)? Warlock with a chair. Hogan feels the moon lock from Warlock, then Edge pins Hogan. Edge wins the North American Title. Well, I’ll be damned. Some nice rest spot work, and Hogan always = gold, so we’ll give this (*****). More bad editing sends us to…
Smoke vs. Phantom (Flaming Cell Barbed Wire Rope Kendo Sticks, Bats and Other Hardcore Stuff match). I kid you not.
More generic intros with more indecipherable music. Oddly enough, the match starts in the ring. Wasting no time, Smoke goes back first into the barbed wire. Man. Who needs tension, we need blood! Somehow, Smoke is dropkicked over the top barbed wire rope but that looked REALLY fake. Sorry guys. This isn’t amateur hour. I’m sensing another ZERO. Phantom then gets whipped into the flaming cell. Ironically, Phantom is the one smoking.Smoke stomps out the fire, I think, if he was on fire. Hard to tell. Smoke with a cranium crackin’ chairshot. Dramatic two count. Well, OK, not really. Smoke is then backdropped into the flaming cell. Both men SELL THEIR BLACKENED ASSES off. Phantom finds the clichéd sledge-o-matic hammer. He hits Smoke in the back as the fans go wild for these insanely dangerous spots which I’m really not in the mood for. After all, I have a headache. Pussies. Deal with it. It’s only fire. It’s not like you have a migraine! A two count. The boys are SELLING like no tomorrow. Phantom with a chair. Another cranium cracker. Phantom gets a ladder from under the ring, no doubt from one of the painters who was working under there. And here comes a table from the guys playing poker. Man. And it allows me to sing my song: “Smoke on the Table! Fire In the Cell!” Phantom hits a legdrop from the ring to the floor. I’m assuming he hit it through the table, but next thing you know, we’ve got a three count. The medical examiners come out with some body bags, just in case. I’ll be kind and give it (*) for the selling if nothing else. Very sloppy, only about four things happened in the match.
Shorty vs. Johnny Nightmare
Thanks to the high school TV editing class, we go right into this one. Both guys come down to the ring together for some reason. Shorty with a SUCCESSFUL back body drop early in the match, will wonders never cease! Stompy time. Nightmare’s face meets the canvas, basketball style. But apparently he bounced up quite good and hit a high knee. But Shorty with a backslide. Nightmare with a yawnex on Shorty’s face. They’re trading no-sells fast and furious here. Nightmare hits a double underhook POWERBOMB and gets a two. The brawl heads to the ring apron (yes, I said ring apron) before going back inside from the meandering. They blow a spot and run into each other. Man, everyone is blowing spots tonight, live on pay-per-view! After some yawnexes and other stuff, Nightmare gets Shorty in a sharpshooter! Oh yeah! Screw job! Damn it! No screw job. And to make things worse, Shorty gets to the ropes, breaking the rest hold. So Shorty responds, predictably enough, with an ANKLE LOCK! Oh yeah! The rest holds are making up for that blown spot. But Nightmare makes it to the ropes. Bah! Then we have a GENERIC REF BUMP! Woohoo! Nighttmare with a low blow and rolls him up for a pin as the ref’s timely disorientation passes in time for the heel win. He takes the TV Title and runs, Shorty in hot pursuit. Eh (*).
I think JR and King have left the building.
Afterburn Owner Shane McMahon vs. Smackdown co-owner Damon Pierce (TLC match)
Somehow, despite intros, we cut to outside the ring where Shane’s back cracks into the steps. Damon with an oh-my-God suicida head chop off machine leg drop. Shane eats the ladder. Shane responds with a suplex on the floor and a javelin toss of the ladder. Back inside, they brawl a bit. Damon with a suplex before a POWERBOMB! Shane with a ladder to face dropkick. Both guys fly out of the ring for no apparent reason and crash to the floor. Then Shane sets up the ladder but Damon with a heat-seeking dropkick. Whirly tilt backbreaker, followed up by a moonsault on the ladder by Damon. These boys go right up the ladder the hackmeister general edits the crap out of this match, ECW style! Damon with a sunset flip from the tippity top, causing some Drowning Pool action. Damon then hits a swanton bomb off the ladder. After a corner chair stuff, Shane is whipped into it. Damon then gets Tony Hawke on Shane’s face with the chair. Table time. The poker game is interrupted again. Shane is set up on the table as Damon hits a stupidsault from the tippity top of the ladder that crushes both guys.
Time to $$$? Yup, but not long enough. Shane goes for some silver knuckles, but only has brass ones, so he settles for those and hits Damon before hitting the What A Mach elbow. Only a two count. Shane does an pelvis shattering leg drop from the ladder. Damon America whips Shane toward the propped up ladder. He plays the part of a dolphin and answers the question, what would Flipper do if he were in a ladder match. Damon with a superkick on the no-selling monster Shane-O-Mac. Shane puts UNDERTAKER TO SHAME as he comes back and dropkicks Damon’s knee. After some more brawly stuff, they head to the top of the ladder. Damon bulldogs Shane from the top of the ladder. Luckily, when both men land, they each have an arm on each other. Ah, love is not dead. But alas, both men are counted out. We have a draw! Wow, nice ending saves this match. I don’t know, I like a good sell, but I love a good no-sell. This had a little of both. Too much hardcore stuff, and amazingly, no blood for all that. Hmm. Well, I’ll be kind and give it (*).
Oh, we’re not done just yet. Damon locks in IN LIVING COLOR and won’t let go. He then sounds a bit like some other wrestler. Hmm. Can’t quite place it. Ah well. But JR and King are back, albeit briefly, to banter.
Chiller vs. Wham Van Dam (Hardcore Title)
Guys come out to no music I can hear. And equal fan reaction. Brawling, then plunder. WVD with a needlessly noisy and pointlessly non-hurty trash can shot. WVD with a Samoan drop. Chiller appears rabid, and then goes for a table instead of his jugular. WVD slams him and does the table setting himself. Chiller avoids splinterville. Chiller with some stomps, but WVD with a Grecko-Roman low blow. WVD risksaults Chiller through the table. WVD wins the title in this (ZERO) of a match.
– RVD and Vin-Man have an incoherant heart to heart.
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar (US Title)
No music for these guys either. Lesnar rules early. Triple H recovers with some moves. HHH with a quick Pedigree! Almost a three count. The monster is a no-selling machine. It’s good he’s been corrupted early in his career. Brock with a spinefighter. Then a soft DDT. Lesnar STALLS! Yes. Triple H with a low blow. Man, that is the move of the night I guess. Why don’t you boys try wrestling with a HEADACHE you pussies. HHH with PPPunches! Lesnar no-sells ’em. HHH with a clothesline that sends both guys to the announce table. The ref sees how high he can count to make sure the Alzheimer’s hasn’t kicked in yet. I don’t hear anything once he hits six, but the brawl continues on the floor after that. HHH gets the sledge-o-matic hammer. He swings at Brock, who docks, and HHH walks into the F5. Brock with a pin OUTSIDE?! It’s over. They believe HHH is DDDead. Brock uses the sledge to do some damage to HHH’s pretty head. Sorry, but no rest spots, just wrestling? Um. (ZERO)!
– Backstage, Goldust is with Terri’s nipples. He does a lot of letter tossing and stuff.
Radical Aaron vs. Goldust (Last Man Standing)
Or is it Golddust. I can never remember. Who cares. We’ll call him Gold. RA has music of some sort, Gold has pyro but no music. What an odd federation. The lack of consistent entrances is quite entertaining. This might be an I-C match. Man, does EVERYONE have a title in EHW? If not, THEY SHOULD! That would be UNIQUE as all hell! Then everyone would feel special all the time. But what do I kow? I’m drunk and I have a headache. What are you looking at buddy?
Match starts in the aisle. Brawling and stuff. Gold gets low blowed. Aaron with a yawnplex on the ramp. Aaron heads to the ring and gets a chair instead of being cool and getting a sledgehammer. Loser. Yet more trash cans. He’s marginally cool then I guess. And a ladder. In perhaps the DUMBEST MOVE OF ALL TIME, Gold is on the ramp, Aaron is in the ring, so what does Aaron do? He climbs up to the top of the ladder (again, IN the ring) and dives for an elbow. Do you get it? Gold is ON THE RAMP. Aaron is IN THE RING. Ramp, Gold. Ring, Aaron. OK, maybe I’m not making myself clear. There is only about, oh, 20 feet separating them. What do YOU think happened? Well, points for suicidal creativity I guess. 7 second rest spot!!! Gotta love LMS matches. The brawl continues. Oddly, Aaron sells an injury. Sells? Yeah, sure. Probably IS. But anyway… Gold with a chair, but STRIKE one. Aaron Van Daminates the chair into Gold. Aaron chops down the ladder and it timbers on Gold’s shivers, or something. Six second REST spot!!!
They brawl again outside. Aaron tries for a table spot, but Gold ain’t playing splinter games. So they head back to the ring. Aaron brings the tall stepping dealie, heads up top, but Gold tips the dealie over and Aaron goes through the table on the floor!!!! OK, that was COOOOL. I usually hate hardcore spots, but THAT was NICE. We get up to nine, count ’em NINE seconds of down time, but then, in a SWERVE, Gold hits the ref and ruins his shot at INNING! I’ll be damned. EHW bookers must be doing some good drugs to dream this trippy stuff up. He goes for the solidly constructed chair and brings the bloody Aaron inside. Gold massages his chest and gets the chair. But Aaron ALSO has a chair. Cranium cracker. TRIPLE SUPER SELL BONUS!!!! The ref, Gold and Aaron are all DOWN and OUT. Whoooooooooooo! After a bit,they get up and Aaron his a totally tubular driver. The ref gets up. And counts ever so slowly. We have a long seven seconds before Gold gets up. Then Aaron hits the Radical Driver again, this time on a chair. But nine (give or take about 20) seconds later, Goldie is back up again.
And officially becomes the longest match of the night so far. Aaron gets all booty. Gold fights back. In a Three Stooges moment, Gold tries for a shattered dreams nut cracker, but Aaron puts a chair in the way and that hurts Gold’s foot. What a seller. Aaron with a rotating body heel kick. Aaron gets the climbing dealie and climbs up, as does Gold. Brawl on top. Stupidplex from the top of the ladder. Gold gets up first after a quick sell. We have a 10 count, give or take 30 seconds. After getting his hand uplifted, he helps Aaron up in some sort of good sportsmanship. Aww that’s nice to see. What? A swerve! I-C belt attack. Didn’t see THAT coming. Damn. Gold leaves. Well, for some good rest spots and some sheer slapstick moments, this match will get (****). In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I don’t care about work-rate. Only loser Canadians care about work-rate.
– Commercial for Summer slam.
Jerry Lynn vs. Electrifying One vs. Urban Assasin vs. RVD (Elimination Rules, I think)
It’s main event time. Damn. Over so soon? Man, they just blew it for me. This main event better be the best thing since blow jobs, or you guys are gonna get a baaaad rating. All four men come to the ring at once for some reason without music and then just start fighting. Your basic fustercluck. Assassin (gotta give props for having ‘ass’ twice in his name) POWERBOMBS RVD. But RVD no sells and teams up with everyone else and triple teams DoubleASSin. Then EO clotheslines Lynn outside. RVD with a abdomen achin’ chair shot to EO. Then he hits DoubleASSin with the chair and goes up top for the froggy style splash. DoubleASSin is eliminated early. RVD gets double teamed. RVD ends up getting the ring bell and hitting Lynn with it. RVD and EO brawl as Lynn goes for a barbed wire board. Lynn piledrives EO, and then punches him, not going for the cover. OK. Too much action for my taste. I love those pin attempts. I’ve seen one so far and I’m not happy. RVD then does the people’s elbow on EO. Why? Beats the hell out of me. Lynn then hits RVD with the barbed wire board. EO provides this match’s LOW BLOW demonstration. They trade clotheslines. EO hits the payoff on Lynn, but to his surprise, the little jobber with no charisma kicks out. EO has a chair dropkicked into his face. Then he gets DDTed. Lynn makes a save for some reason. Odd.
EO and Lynn double team RVD, I guess he is the dominant male in the match. After a double suplex with who cares, RVD fights back until EO hits him with the ringsteps which are somehow in the ring. More sloppy editing. Then RVD gets set up on the Spanish announce table. YES. But Lynn comes out and suicidas right into EO. They head back inside. No TABLE SPOT? I like it! It’s daring, but that’s where you’ve got to break ground. If they don’t screw up and use the table later, this match might not get negative points. RVD with a Van Daminator to Lynn. Um. He’s somehow eliminated with that move. OK. That’s different. Man, these guys are daring with their stips, I’ll give them that. But Lynn ain’t going out like that so he hits RVD with the sharp stick before leaving. EO and RVD brawl up to the big screen and back to ringside. RVD POWERBOMBS EO ON THE STEPS. Sorry for the ruthless capitalization there readers. More brawling, this time into the crowd and around ringside again. RVD yawnplexes EO through the announce table. Oh well. Just blew it. The brawl continues as EO hits RVD with barbed wire. Only a two count.
Oh yeah, here comes Vince to save this match and give us some much needed angle development. He gives EO a bat. EO hits RVD, who kicks out. Vince then hits RVD with the barbed wire board. Ahh, that did it. The promoter had to knock out the wrestler. Much more credibility to the defeat that way. Good thinking EHW! Vince and EO shake hands as everyone throws them free drinks. But unfortunately, they spill along the way. Oh well, no fans are perfect.
Backstage, Gold has put a FORK LIFT in the way of TDA’s locker room (once again, who?) He comes out. After looking at Vince, EO attacks Gold with a chain. Guess those rumors were true. Can’t look Vince in the eye or someone will kick your ass. Good to see the Internet was (as always) correct. EO then holds his title in the air. EO and Vince mug as we go off the air. Oh, the Electrifying One is the New champion. Don’t ask how I know, I’m just guessing since I didn’t see who came out with the belt and nobody told me it was a fact. I just have this, feeling. Well, this match did nothing for me, so I’ll give it a (*) just since Vince made a great appearance.
A moment for us
This pay-per-view was almost like a quiz show. It kept me guessing. At least as far as stipulations go. And I know, this is supposedly a hardcore federation, but where are the rest spots? They didn’t use any of the best angles, so I am somewhat disappointed. All I know is I’ll never watch this show again. Let’s go my ratings for our final grade:
Fed name = So 1997.
PPV name = Oddly familiar, yet quite unfitting
Match quality = Irrelevant
Interview quality = Indecipherable
Walking footage = Where was it?
Announcers = Close to perfect (a little too much talking for my taste)
Angle development = One minute is close to OK, but you better lighten up if you want people to follow your shows in the future
Rest spot value = Nothing to write an Internet column about.
X-Pac appearance = Nope
Entire card star = (**? Ted = too lazy to find his calculator, add up the stars and divide by 12)
My suggestion? If you’re into really sloppy, badly edited hardcore wrestling, then by all means, check out the show. I wouldn’t pay to watch the event. But then again, I never do, which is why I can afford to be such a sarcastic prick! Cheers!