April 15, 2009
Live from Seattle, Washington
– Show opens with Michelle Masters interviewing past FWO Cruiserweight Champions about who should get a shot at the title. Ruben Ross thinks he should get the shot, in a refreshing bit of honesty and/or selfishness. She also talks to High Flyer and Flying Frenchie about possible opponents before the talk turns to discussion of possible gimmick matches and the number of opponents. Triple threat iron man in a cell sounds like a winner to ME, but not to her. I knew I didn’t like Michelle. After coming up with a winner of a stip for April 29 (think Money In The Bank with the Cruiserweight Title instead of a briefcase, featuring Jade Argent, Mary-Lynn Mayweather, Xin Xin Xiong and three more to be named), Ross demands a title match at payment. Michelle accepts.
– Backstage, Ivy books Impulse into a debut match. Impulse must be “Who” because he’s on first in the curtain jerker for a shot to get into the ladder match.
– In the parking lot, Jeff Garvin and his wife, Julie, are in their new dressing room: a Ford F-250. Garvin has a sign that says “NO DOUCHEBAGS.” Julie wants Jeff to apologize for last week’s anti-FWO rant. Jeff’s heard enough lip-flappin’ and must cope with a good, hard, stiff protein bar. Whatever happened to getting drunk?
1 – James Renshaw vs. Impulse
Renshaw says “Hey there, newbie,” with a cheap punch and an eye poke, then calls him Ramona. In response, Impulse daydreams about one day getting a hug from that lovable James Renshaw before the needle scratches and we return to action. Impulse takes Renshaw down, avoids offense, and goes to work on Renshaw’s shoulder. After a break, Renshaw misses a clothesline, but Impulse’s Sudden Impact does not. One shooting star press later, and this one was over.
WINNER: Impulse via pin. Short, basic match to introduce Impulse to the FWO world. (3/4*)
– Blackstage, Roland Washington is angry about something, while Affirmative Action play a video game. I thought they outlawed having fun backstage in wrestling locker rooms? Anyway, stuff and things happen, people yell, and speak broken English.
– Elsewhere backstage, Xin Xin Xiong sits dramatically until Impulse barges in and messed up the feng shui. They talk business and honor. 3X throws Impulse his mask as a “welcome gift” and tells Impulse to never change. James Renshaw busts in: “A shower mask, Newbie?” Renshaw scowls away. Deflated, Impulse throws it in the garbage and goes to cry in the shower. Then, a mysterious hand reaches in and pulls it out.
2 – Jade Argent vs. X
Basic wrestling to start before Argent gets dumped to the floor. Argent stalls on the floor until X goes out after him. Back inside, X avoids a dropkick and connects with a flying crossbody, but Argent with a nice reversal for two. Argent legs go on the offense, culminating with a low double leg drop. The sharpshooter is locked, but X fights his way to the ropes for a break. A baseball slide by Argent sends X to the floor. At eight, X gets back up and connects with a nice float-over DDT for two. X connects with a corner clothesline, then a running forearm. Seated senton by X gets a long two count. After some punches, Argent reverses a whip with a nice float-under X’s legs, but this results in a ref bump. A confused Argent mistakes X’s skull for a ring bell hammer, then gets rid of the weapon for the win.
WINNER: Jade Argent via pinfall. Perfectly acceptable wrestling. I could’ve watched more of these two. (*3/4)
– Backstage, William Beaven and Ivy McGinnis walk and talk cruiserweights? Wow, you’d think that cruiserweights can actually draw a dime with all the airtime they’re getting tonight. We also find out that the ladder match will be called a Silver Pyramid Match.
– Not to go off on a rant here, but do we need all this “booking in public” stuff? Can’t the matches come organically out of the storylines or from the wrestlers instead of having figureheads chat about possible contenders, or couldn’t they simply announce things on the Web site? You never see the writers of “CSI” on camera thinking up possible murder scenarios for coming weeks. The FWO has a big enough roster where they don’t need to do this sort of stuff weekly. It just smacks of ego where they need to take the focus off the wrestlers to say, “I came up with this cool match name, not Michelle Masters.” People are paying for the wrestlers, not the bookers. Now, if Beaven and Ivy had some relevance to the angle, I would be fine with this, but this segment really wasn’t necessary. End rant.
– Elsewhere backstage, those whacky Germans Hans and Bastian discuss the video of that woman taking the polar plunge at the zoo and almost getting eaten. Really. That’s the segment.
– Meanwhile, in a worldwide exclusive special interview, Chris Finn confirms that Crucifix is nuts. Crucifix delivers quote of the show thus far: “The final blow landed in Afghanistan, when a man who didn’t speak a word of English grew tired of beating me with a tire iron and instead hacked my finger off with what could best be described as a large steak knife. That was my moment of clarity.” He’ll be taking out his vengeance on the FWO since he can’t take it out on the Creator. Pretty good interview.
3 – “Superstar” Vince Jacobs vs. One Eye
Jacobs reverses a respectful bow into an uppercut for two. Jacobs connects with a corner splash, then punches and chops One Eye before hiting a bulldog. He goes to work on the neck with a submission, but One Eye gets to the ropes. Now on the apron, One Eye can’t avoid a knee dropkick, or a Superstardom (plancha suicida), which also takes out a cameraman. Meanwhile a man in a kimono appears at the entryway. Back inside at nine, Jacobs unloads again and misses a spear as One Eye does the splits up top. They trade pinfall reversals, before Jacobs connects with the Star Gazer kick. Lights out. After a few seconds, the lights return and Jacobs misses a Shining Star guillotine leg drop. One Eye avoids several moves before connecting with a nice backflip kick. Jacobs gets taken down with a handstand trip. Superstar Kick fails, but One Eye’s Visual Escapade spinning heel kick does not.
WINNER: One Eye via pinfall. Surprising finish, especially after SVJ’s outstanding work last week. Still, a good little match. (**)
– Backstage, those whacky Germans are nervous as school girls as they meet Sean Stevens. Stevens is creeped out by the manlove in the air, and he’s outta there.
– Meanwhile, killjoy was in the ring. He plans to expose Sam tonight. Please! There are ladies present!
4 – killjoy vs. Brawn
Pre-match, killjoy plays with a chair. This proves to be foreshadowing, as he blasts the referee with it, then Brawn, who is busted wide open. Meanwhile, Mike Bear and THE Flying Frenchie watch on backstage. After a snap mare driver, Frenchie rushes out to stop the madness. Killjoy points at Frenchie’s leg, then shoots him with a finger gun before leaving.
RESULT: No contest.
– Backstage, Brawn, despite just getting the fuck kicked out of him, is pretty cordial as he runs into “Mr. Garvin.” Is he lobotomized or does he work at “Dollhouse”? Anyway, Garvin’s pissed about not fighting Malik Roland (at the moment, anyway). Jeff promises to make Brawn look good next week in tag team action. Either that segment was wedged in here for time concerns, or there’s some sort of swerve coming involving Brawn/killjoy/Frenchie.
– Meanwhile, Alias stares off into space while Karina showers.
– Elsewhere backstage, more video game wackiness, but this time from Tony Davis. High Flyer is angry, but is still NOT retiring from anything. He does need a smoke, however. Mary-Lynn and Davis are worried that the pressure is getting to Flyer.
– Elsewhere backstage, a mysterious Japanese person stalks One Eye. His stalking is interrupted by “Superstar” Vince Jacobs and a chair, as he blasts One Eye in the back and head. Don’t show up The Icon, buddy.
5 – The Flying Frenchie vs. Keith Scott Zimmerman (w/Allison Lindum-Zimmerman)
I honestly had no plans to review this show until I saw this match. And boy is it a doozy. Let’s go, shall we? Frenchie backs KSZ to the corner, and we have a clean break. They unleash chops on each other before Frenchie back drops KSZ. After a dropkick and rana, Frenchie is rolling. KSZ takes a seven count on the floor and we reboot. More vicious chops by KSZ, and Frenchie with a hair take down. KSZ slips out of a suplex and locks in a cobra clutch, avoids Frenchie’s counter, then hits a baseball slide dropkick for one. Thumb by Frenchie, who then tries for a Cannes Cloverleaf, but KSZ kicks his way free. KSZ avoids a Loire Valley Driver by driving Frenchie into his knee. After repeated knees, KSZ goes for a KSZDT, but Frenchie counters with a clothesline for two. KSZ takes a belly-to-back suplex, then a nice stalling suplex for two. Zimmerman coldcocks (stun guns) Frenchie, then hits a falling reverse DDT. He tries to fight back, but KSZ unleashes a trio of backbreakers, the last tornadofied, but it only gets two.
Frenchie catches KSZ coming off the ropes with a superkick. They trade punches, and Frenchie even pulls out the old thumbtotheeye. Senton by Frenchie, followed by a standing moonsault (Déjà vu) for a long two. KSZ lands on his feet after getting back body dropped to the apron, but then gets yanked down by the hair. Slingshot leg drop by Frenchie gets two. Zimmerman avoids a rushing Frenchie in the corner, then connects with a missile dropkick for three. Jawbreaker by Frenchie, who heads up top, only to be crotched and snapmared down by KSZ. The Perfect Tribute is completed with a rolling necksnap. Slingshot suplex on Frenchie gets a very long two. KSZDT connects this time and the straps come down! BEST BRAINBSTER IN THE BUSINESS gets two! Crowd chants for Frenchie as KSZ contemplates some zebra abuse, but Frenchie grabs him for the Loire Valley Driver. 450 splash by Frenchie gets two! Frenchie charges, KSZ gets the knees up, but Frenchie catches them and in a seemingly insignificant spot, KSZ suddenly is down in the fetal position. Keith is crying, and Allison is crying too. Frenchie calls for EMTs, as KSZ looks legit hurt here. KSZ refuses a stretcher, as agents are out to carry KSZ out. Suddenly, KSZ charges toward Frenchie and clotheslines him, then gets kneed. Crowd is PISSED. Hit My Music (Codebreaker) = win.
Post-match, KSZ celebrates. Frenchie is back up. “Well played.” He applauds, then they hug. KSZ then nutshots Frenchie and smashes the title into his face. KSZ promises to show Frenchie what betrayal looks like, then DDTs him on the belt and pounds on him. Allison Berkeley Express superkicks the ref. Mike Bear is out and we’ve got a brawl. KSZ gets kicked in the balls and takes some more punches before Allison pulls him out. Bear wants to tear KSZ apart.
WINNER: Simply tremendous. The wrestling and booking was just excellent here. Great match, great segment, great heat. Please give us more like this. (****)
– On the roof, Ivy smokes a cigar and gets a random, superheroish visit from X.
– Blackstage again, Affirmative Action wanders aimlessly in search of Beaven.
– Elsewhere backstage, The Flying Frenchie gets his ass kicked by killjoy and a chair until he vanishes into thick air.
– Elsewhere, X somehow got injured. Wasn’t he just on the roof with Ivy a few minutes ago and fine? Is this from the ring bell shot earlier? Brain hurty. X goes Argent hunting with some broken wood. Be vewy vewy quiet.
– “Triple X” Sean Stevens (not to be confused with 3X or X), heads to the ring. He says that people have started questioning if he has it anymore. The FAN-tron lights up, with clips from Triple X vs. Eli Flair at Cyberslam. “Two weeks ago, you people saw the best of Eli Flair, and while it was great, it wasn’t enough to overcome the best of Sean ‘Triple X’ Stevens! … Do you believe now?” This brings out Malik Roland, who says Sean can’t measure up in the ring or the bedroom. Dare I ask HOW Roland knows this? Stevens vows to “humble” Roland. I hope that isn’t in the Iron Sheik fuck-him-in-the-ass sense.
6. Krow vs. Steven Shadows
Match doesn’t happen as Shadows gets on the mic, pissed that he got saved by the time limit expiring last week. He says he’s lost everything thanks to Krow – his name, legacy and sanity. Shadows tosses the title to Krow. “As far as I’m concerned, you won; there’s your prize.” Exit Shadows. Krow is as shocked as Krow can be.
WINNER: And new FWO Hardcore Champion Krow via forfeit. (NA)
– Backstage, Roland Washington meets up with Ivy and thinks she gives out blow jobs and sex as part of her duties. Ivy: “Who the fuck are we letting in these days?” Fire them. Please.
– Backstage, Xander Scott wants to face “Superstar” Vince Jacobs in his first match. Jacobs turns him down with various gay innuendoes, before (continuing the theme here) another man nails Scott from behind. The man? “The Living Legend” Johnny Legend. An angry Beav then angrily shakes his wiener (I swear I’m not making this up).
7 – Xander Scott vs. Johnny Legend
Scott gets the first advantage after a sitdown wheelbarrow slam. Legend reverses a rana attempt into a sitout powerbomb. Legend’s moonsault finds shins before Scott hits a springboard sunset flip for two. They exchange punches, but Legend takes over with a Russian leg sweep, followed by Light’s Out for two. Northern light suplex doesn’t work for Legend, so he nails The Perfect End superkick. Legend botches a top rope move badly, resulting in “you fucked up” chants and a bloody head. The ref sees Scott’s school boy with bonus tights grab, so he stops the count. As Scott complains, Legend gets a small package for three.
WINNER: Johnny Legend via pinfall. Aside from the one ugly spot, it was a pretty good debut for Legend. Apart from that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? (*)
8 – “Triple X” Sean Stevens vs. Malik Roland
Stare down to begin. Ugly spear by Roland to begin things as Stevens lands very badly. Stevens goes for the ride, and Roland eats a boot. Triple X tries for triple forearms, but the third try fails as Roland connects with a powerslam for two. The assault continues as Roland hits a belly-to-belly suplex and a full nelson slam. A Greco-Roman low blow by Stevens draws the ref’s ire. Clothesline takes Roland out, but Stevens skins the cat. Somehow, Roland catches Stevens somersault attempt, but Triple X avoids getting posted and Mammoth eats the steel. At nine, Roland gets back inside. Roland walks into an X-Factor for two as Roland gets a foot under the rope. Superkick attempt is blocked, and then it’s lights out. Again. We’ve got chanting monks, which becomes a successful distraction as Stevens nails a superkick for the pin.
WINNER: “Triple X” Sean Stevens via pinfall. This, like most of tonight’s matches, fell into the solid wrestling category. (**)
– Dusk, your number one contender for the Internet Title, heads out. He runs down Keith Scott Zimmerman and Malik Roland for a bit. “Zimmerman, you’re just keeping that title warm for me, plain and simple.” Blasphemer! He says he is the next Internet Champion.
– Backstage, Michelle Masters, that jezebel, has stolen Alias’ cigarettes. Hey, do you have any clue how much those COST? What a bitch! Oh, and Ruben Ross says he’s gonna beat her. She says “nuh-uh.” We’re this close to “neener-neener-neener” in your pre-main event segment, people!
9 – Michelle Masters vs. Ruben Ross (FWO Cruiserweight Title)
So, the person who didn’t show up for three months, and who Ivy was pissed at just one week ago for holding up an entire division, goes from unemployed to main event in one week. This just baffles my mind, when KSZ and Frenchie put on easily the match of the night in the first hour. I can’t imagine many people in the back are happy with this b.s. They trade elbows, and eventually Ross hits a floatover DDT for two. Quick northern lights suplex with a bridge for two by Ross. Masters avoids a corner clothesline and nails a missile dropkick, then a moonsault for two. She runs into the Spin Cycle, which brings in her husband Rob T, who takes a RTFM. Masters connects with a neckbreaker, then hits ‘Chelle Shocked, her shooting star frog splash, for the win.
WINNER: Michelle Masters via pinfall. Another match to put over a returning FWOer. Short, very disappointing main event to close out the show. (*)
Final Thoughts: KSZ/Frenchie makes this an easy thumbs up. As for the rest? Solid but unspectacular.