April 22, 2009
From Seattle, Washington
– Show opens with a tease for next week’s Silver Pyramid ladder match, which will feature Impulse, Jade Argent, Xin Xin Xiong, Mary-Lynn Mayweather and four more who will qualify tonight. Winner gets a shot at the FWO Cruiserweight Title. I thought Michelle was defending in the match? Guess I misunderstood. Should be a good match. Check back for full coverage here next week.
– In the loading docks, Tony Davis supervises as a large box is carted from a van into the Team VIAGRA locker room. Davis wishes Flyer a happy birthday, even though it’s not Flyer’s birthday. Davis: “Speaking of Birthdays, do you remember that time back as children, when for your birthday we went to that Chuck-e-cheese place and went skinny dipping in the ball pool? Man that management guy was pissed!” Flyer: “That wasn’t my birthday, that was yours. Not to mention, we didn’t know each other back then.” Davis gets distracted by his video game and the box is forgotten for now. Doesn’t anybody in this fed want to challenge Flyer for his title? I’ll say one thing for ACW, based on the one show I’ve reviewed of theirs so far: ACW’s World Title seems a lot more important right now than the FWO’s.
– In a hallway, Karina Wolfendale and Alias are talking arson. K-Wolf decides to go talk to one suspect: Michelle Masters. Her husband, Rob, grabs a bat upon K-Wolf’s entrance. K-Wolf plays good cop and nicely asks if Michelle is just a psycho anti-smoking Nazi or a firestarter…twisted firestarter? Michelle ain’t talking, and eventually Rob has enough of the accusations and kicks K-Wolf out. Here’s a hint: watch last week’s show to find the answer to who started the fire.
– Meanwhile blackstage, Affirmative Action finds William Beaven and Ivy McGinnis. Roland Washington wants a do-over on their debut. Quickly bored, Beaven leaves Ivy to deal with AA. Ivy doesn’t like being called “ma.” Or being told that part of her five year plan better involve developing a personality, since she’s gonna start sagging soon. Ivy: “You. Ring. Now.” Enter The Underground: Mike Bear, The Flying Frenchie, and Brittany Chambers. Has Ivy got a match for Bear. Meanwhile, Chambers wants in on the Silver Pyramid Ladder Match.
1 – Affirmative Action (Craig Slaughter & Junious Slaughter) vs. The Winners Of This Match (Mike Bear & The Flying Frenchie)
OK, first of all, love the tag team name. I nearly choked on my drink when they announced that. Zhuk: “That’s damn presumptuous! The match hasn’t even started yet!” Finn: “I think that’s what they’re calling the team.” AA jumps Bear as he slides in, then double back body drop him. Craig heads up top, but Frenchie shakes the ropes and Craig falls into the ring. After several forearms and a headbutt, Craig’s had enough and tags out. Two tie-ups go nowhere, so they start throw punches, with Junious landing a belly-to-belly suplex. Craig drops a knee from the top, then a tornado DDT for two. Bear powers Craig to TWOTM corner for the tag. Frenchie looks for a handshake, but gets slapped. So Frenchie punches Craig, then kicks him in the temple for two as Junious breaks up the pin with a gutwrench suplex. Ref gets distracted, setting up a delayed vertical suplex/crossbody combo on Frenchie for two. Frenchie recovers first and dropkicks Junious in the knee. Bear with a tag, thumb to the eye, and then a Whiplash for the win.
WINNER: The Winners Of This Match. Fun little match. Though I’m not a big fan of their personas, AA is decidedly not bad at all in the ring. Less AA talking, more AA wrestling, please. Oddly, we’ve had very little mention so far about last week’s events involving Frenchie/KSZ/killjoy. Hopefully there’s some follow-up coming. (*1/4)
– We return to the ring, as Ruben Ross drops some history on our asses before addressing Rob T. Ross is still bitter over one loss to Rob, and Ross wants Rob out “so that I may perpetrate massive violence upon you. NOW.” Rob isn’t impressed by Ross circa 2009, the version who “gets beat by girls and cries with Ric Chronos.” Oh no he di’n’t! Ross thinks this promo needs less talk and more “me punching you repeatedly in the face.” Nice little seg, but isn’t Rob still on the “too injured to perform” list as of two weeks ago and not under contract to wrestle?
2 – Michelle Masters (w/Rob T.) vs. X
Doesn’t happen, as Jade Argent ambushes X. Michelle nags at Rob to go break up the fight. RTFM (Rob T’s Flying Move) does the trick. Now Masters continues her ascension by playing FWO booker, inserting Argent into the match. Two weeks ago she was unemployed. Last week she got the opening and closing segments. Now this week she’s booking her own matches. If this keeps up, Michelle should own the FWO by next week, be running Apple in two weeks (in this scenario, I assume she eats iPhones for sustenance), and enslaving most of America in three (by now eating people whole like a giant python). Somebody better call Godzilla to fight this growing monster named ‘Chelle! Argent complains that he already wrestled. Apparently, we’re having some technical difficulties tonight as we suddenly head to…
3 – Jade Argent vs. KATSURO
Argent reverses a tie-up into a beautiful thumb to the eye. KAT avoids a backdrop and connects with a superkick. Busaiku Kick connects, and Argent goes down for two. Argent bails for a nine count, then bails again. Nice series of each men avoiding moves before Argent finally connects with a German suplex. Back inside, Argent tries to escape a headlock but gets dropped on the top rope throat first. KAT unleashes chops, elbows, and finally a Busaiku Kick. Up top, KAT connects with a super brainbuster! A foot on the ropes saves Argent. After another two count, KATSURO argues with the ref. Argent finds an Mysterious International Object in his tights. Punch. Pin.
WINNER: Jade Argent via pinfall. Basic cruiserweight match that wasn’t given enough time to get dramatic. (3/4*)
– Backstage, Ivy tells Lowell.com that he’s wrestling tonight, but he protests, saying his tummy hurts and he’s afraid of humiliating himself after a four-year layoff. She promises they’ll meet with a man about his script. Because “authors get chicks, right?”
4 – Brittany Chambers vs. Jack Sweetwater
After a tackle, Sweetwater bails, but Chambers hits a suicide dive into the barricade. After pounding Sweetwater, Chambers gets posted. Back inside, Sweetwater misses Sweetwater Splash (a corkscrew frog splash). Nice cradle piledriver by Chambers, followed by a Chamber Suplex (cobra clutch suplex) for the win.
WINNER: Happy belated 37th birthday, Brittany. She now qualifies for the Silver Pyramid match. Match was there and got the time it deserved. (1/2*)
– In the hallways, KATSURO is on a rampage. No trash can is safe. He finds Argent, who says, “Nothing personal about the knuckles kid, you just need to learn how to take a punch.” KATSURO slaps Argent, because nothing is more important to him than greatness. Argent demands an HIV test.
5 – Lowell.com vs. Xan Scott
Lots of stalling by Lowell to start. I think my new FWO drinking game should be eye pokes. Starting now, as Lowell connects (*shot*). Lowell slams Scott, then connects with a back drop, and celebrates until Scott connects with a dropkick. And Lowell doesn’t get up.
WINNER: Xan Scott via pinfall. OK. I really hope there’s a match on the horizon. (DUD)
– Backstage, X hangs out with Danny the security guard. Crucifix butts in, letting X know that the FWO is corrupt and a disease that needs to be attacked. Crucifix hints at a coming FWO-sponsored attack of some sort. But X doesn’t like surprises. Awk-waaard. Regarding his mask, X says who he is isn’t as important as what he does. Crucifix promises to make a difference. And I don’t think he meant planting a tree.
6 – X vs. Jade Argent vs. Michelle Masters (Elimination Rules)
Masters goes after Argent with kicks, then decks X with a flying jalapeno. Moonsault by Masters on Argent gets two. X takes down Argent with a Clothesline from Planet X, then takes some kicks from Masters before locking in a Northern Lights Suplex for two. Argent is doing his best impersonation of a hooker thus far by being on his back more than his feet. Elbow drop by X gets two on Argent. Masters borrows Rob’s RTFM to nail Argent, then mask beals X to the floor. Argent gets dumped, and Masters connects with a tope suicida. Back in by a six count, Masters misses a superkick on Argent and takes a reverse neckbreaker. Argent suplexes Masters for two. After arguing with the ref, Argent press slams Masters onto her husband on the floor. X avoids Argent and connects with a belly-to-belly suplex. Masters is back up and gets caught trying a spinning heel kick on X, but she kicks her way free and then dropkicks X. Masters springboards right into an X-Kick. X Drop only gets two as Masters foot is on the rope. Interesting. Michelle may indeed be heading for a heel turn. Usually faces kick out. Argent backslides X and gets some help from the ropes for a three. X is eliminated. X protests to no avail. Masters tries to reverse out of a Butterfly Bomb and botches whatever move she was going for. On the apron, Argent tries to spear Masters, but he eats a knee. Michelle calls 619, but nobody’s home, so she snaps Argent’s head on the top rope. ‘Chelle Shattered (springboard superkick) connects for three, eliminating Argent via pinfall.
WINNER: Michelle Masters via survival. Lots of cool spots and total nonstop action to pop the crowd. Nothing memorable, but very watchable. (**1/4)
– Backstage, Brawn finds the always-annoyed Jeff Garvin (and Julie Garvin) trying to carry a vending machine to a **** match. Where their tag match at, yo? The more important question is why can’t Jeff get a Mountain Dew? Damn Illuminati, have you no shame! We have Jeff vs. Zimmerman tonight? Oh FUCK yes! Garvin rightfully zones out as Brawn bitches about scheduling conflicts, “Uh huh… No, totally, I agree completely… All that woman-y shit or whatever. Communication, yadda yadda yadda. Gotcha.” Jeff gives a fake thumbs-up.
7 – Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfendon) vs. Team VIAGRA v2 (Mary-Lynn Mayweather & David Noble)
Noble kicks us off with a springboard corkscrew body press to the floor, wiping out Alias and K-Wolf. Mayweather follows up with a Mary-Lynn Moon Shot, wiping out Vox Nihili again. Bell rings as the match heads inside, Mayweather connects with a springboard dropkick, and is back up once again for a ***1/2 frog splash for two. In a cool little spot, as K-Wolf lifts her arm, Mayweather puts on an arm bar. Noble comes in with a sunset flip for two. Beautiful dropsault by Noble, followed by an Asai senton for a long two. He springboards into a bicycle kick, which lets K-Wolf tag out. After beating the crap out of Noble, Alias hits a nice dragon suplex. Nice tag team move ends with Noble getting two flying knees to the chest. K-Wolf launches herself off Alias’s back and double stomps Noble. Alias back in, and Noble gets lifted up for Karina to double stomp him in the ribs! Yowza. Alias rolls snake eyes, and Karina konnekts with a koppou kick! Up top, Alias elbows, and we’ve got more double stomp action to end this tremendous sequence, but only for a long two count. Pendulum backbreaker by Alias, followed by K-Wolf’s Goodnight Moon (Asai knee-drop). Another long two count. Alias puts Noble in a surfboard for K-Wolf to once again nail a double stomp, followed by a corkscrew moonsault for another long two. Stiff snap kick from Karina, and we say Goodnight Moon again. Vox can’t believe it as Noble kicks out. Noble reverses Alias into headscissors into the turnbuckle. K-Wolf gets the tag and goes for a coast to coast dropkick that misses, as Mayweather tags in and hits a Mary-Lynn Moon Shot for two. Running reverse DDT by Mayweather, forcing Alias to break up the cover. Noble takes out Alias with a springboard forearm. They brawl, the ref gets thrown, and Alias dumps Noble to the floor. Bell rings? Da fuck?
RESULT: Double DQ. Slap a finish on that, and you’ve got a really good match. These teams have some great chemistry, and Noble had an eye-opening performance. (***)
– Backstage, “Superstar” Vince Jacobs wants a rematch with High Flyer. Instead, he’ll get Impulse. I wonder if he’ll have to run the New Frontier Wrestling Sears Tower gauntlet, facing Cameron Cruise, Brock Alyas, Phil Atken, and Dos Equis in coming weeks to get at High Flyer.
8 – Robert Tanaka vs. Ruben Ross
Match doesn’t happen, as Tanaka has been attacked backstage by a pipe. Ross: “DAMMIT!” I was supposed to do that, but out here! Now I have to wait until he’s healed up. Someone’s gonna pay for that shit.” Nice.
– Backstage, Robert Tanaka wonders if it’s in the FWO contracts that you have to be attacked backstage so often. Who dunnit? Enter Karina Wolfendale and Alias. Both deny any involvement. DRAMA ensues. Michelle wants that decrepit Alias to live to see 40 and thinks he’s circling the drain. She set the building on fire last week because she loves him. Oh man, I had a girlfriend like that. More editing problems, as this apparently was supposed to air before the last match. Whoopsie. Oooh, I think we’re closing in our first Smoking Habit On a Pole Match! Rob knows that he wants to be the meat in a K-Wolf/Michelle sandwich. … He does realize he’s MARRIED to Michelle, right? And I guess Alias vs. Michelle is official for next week.
9 – “Superstar” Vince Jacobs vs. Impulse
Jacobs answers a handshake attempt with a punch. Impulse is somewhat successful blocking a barrage of punches. The match settles down, and they fight over a backslide before Impulse dropkicks Jacobs, who bails. Back inside, Impulse drop toe holds a rushing Jacobs, but Jacobs answers that with a stiff clothesline. Ego Check (spinning sit-down powerbomb) gets Jacobs a two. Impulse avoids the worst of a German suplex and rolls up Jacobs for two. After a DDT, Impulse slaps on a headlock. Jacobs fights out and side suplexes Impulse. Off a whip, Impulse rebounds with a standing rana. Frustrated, Jacobs tries a clothesline but gets DDTd for two. Jacobs fights back, and Impulse blocks suplex attempts before small packaging Jacobs for two. Impulse avoids a Superstar Kick then hits Sudden Impact for a shocking three count.
Post-match, Jacobs snaps, lowblowing Impulse, then quickly grabs a chair and assaults Impulse. Star Struck on the chair, and Impulse blades. Jacobs wants Flyer to come out and play (but you gotta keep ’em separated…until a PPV anyway).
WINNER: Impulse by pinfall. Jacobs continues to get himself over as a heel despite losing matches lately. Who said wins matter? Impulse was solid as always. If only these two were given more time to put on an unabridged match. (*1/2)
– OK, really, we’re running out of time. Where’s my KSZ/Garvin?
– In Team VIAGRA’s locker room, Tony Davis wonders if you put something living into a giant box if you need air holes. Inside the box is Spike Saunders. Everyone seems disappointed in this development, aside from some free food. Moving on…
– Elsewhere backstage, Deacon attacks Malik Roland. Roland gets busted, but manages to brainbust Deacon on the floor. A piledriver follows as Ivy kicks Roland in the ribs to stop the assault. Security comes in, and Deacon low blows Roland and the fight’s on again. Deacon grabs a pipe (a possible red herring or a clue in the case of Robert Tanaka?) and swings away. Roland eventually goes through a table and tries to fight off security to keep brawling, but Ivy says that’s enough.
10 – Krow vs. Fairview Reed (Hardcore Championship)
Reed gets the jobber into (i.e., none). Krow shoves the title at Reed and tells him to take it before Krow makes him eat it. Reluctantly, Reed takes it and Krow starts to leave. Once Reed thinks he’s actually won, Krow returns and hits a nasty looking Prelude (super release German suplex). Apparently, Krow has changed his mind. Steel chair time. Krow takes a seat, letting Reed get up before oh damn! Near-Death Experience (backdrop driver) on the chair. That’s enough for the three.
Post-match, Krow reveals that the title isn’t doing it for him because he never beat anyone for it, and the man who handed it to him he wishes nothing less than death for. His new mission: to prove he deserves the title by any means necessary. Krow looks to inflict some more punishment before Reed’s assistant enters the ring and grabs the chair out of his hands. Krow takes his title and leave the ring to close the show in anti-climactic action.
WINNER: Krow via pinfall. Not really a match, but Krow’s psychology was quite interesting. Perhaps Shadows won the war by losing a title. (NR)
Final thoughts: After now having watched three episodes of ReAction, I think it’s fair to say that the booking is extremely scatterbrained. Let’s just ignore the disorganization on tonight’s show and look bigger picture.
High Flyer, the World Champ, is starring in meaningless comedy segments. Now, I love Flyer, but he needs somebody to feud with and some sort of obstacle for me to care about him. The whole “retirement” bit could be exploited for big money if you could find a heel to target him and try and retire him. Make the leg the focus, put the title in some kind of jeopardy, and make me want to pay to see Flyer overcome the evil heel. Jacobs, the natural challenger for this role, is losing any legitimate claims to be a number one contender by losing to mid-carders and undercard guys, albeit somewhat in fluke fashion.
Other gripes: the last two main events have been pretty anti-climactic. With episodic television, your goal is to bring the viewers back every week. What on this show makes you want to come back if you’re just a casual viewer? I wanted to watch this week’s show because of everything involving The Flying Frenchie last week. Hey, remember that? The great match with KSZ and post-match betrayal. Or how about him getting attacked by killjoy? Where did that go? We got Frenchie tonight, sure. But in a meaningless tag match that wouldn’t compel me to tune in if I wasn’t a hardcore wrestling or FWO fan.
Now, I’m not saying FWO is all bad. It’s not. Tonight’s show was very entertaining and flew by, and featured a really good tag match. I just wish they’d pay a little more attention to some of the details and story threads that are being left hanging. There’s money in that low-hanging fruit.