FWO ReAction 5/20/09 Report

– It’s Free Wrestling Day! So, in an attempt to create some good press, the FWO decided to give away free tickets to this show, resulting in about four times as many fans as usual in attendance. What could possibly go wrong?

FWO ReAction 18 Report

May 20, 2009
Seattle, Washington

1 – Krow vs. Max Danger (Hardcore Championship Match)

This is Danger’s FWO debut. Krow enters via cover of darkness and gets the first shot, and adds a bunch more. On the floor, Krow nails Danger with a running Yakuza that sends Danger into the audience. Danger is busted hardway. Back inside, Krow hits a Near Death Experience through the chair. But Krow isn’t done and hits a spinning Near Death Experience for the pin. Post-match, Danger does a stretcher job.

WINNER: Krow via pinfall. The booking of Krow as FWO monster continues to be very solid, though there was no need for him to be working quite so stiff. Injuries are bad for business. The squash shouldn’t hurt Danger too badly, as he’s got the talent to rebound quickly and has a pretty solid fan base built up. (1/2*)

– Backstage, William Beaven and Ivy McGinnis discuss the 2006 FWO Survivor winner, except there was no Survivor that year. RETCON~!

– Elsewhere backstage, Xander Scott annoys Xin Xin Xiong with an algebra problem that, if I understand it correctly, looks like this: 3X – X3 = Y. The answer is apparently three kicks to the face.

– Elsewhere backstage, Ruben Ross promises to show Jade Argent a beatdown.

– Elsewhere backstage, some chick goes “Maury” on Spike Saunders via cell phone. Also, according to the DNA test, Spike is not the baby daddy. I assume. If there even IS a kid. Moving on…

2 – Michelle Masters vs. Impulse (2 out of 3 Falls Match)

This quick-paced match features some decent cruiserweight action early. Xin Xin Xiong makes his way out to watch ringside near the announce desk. With both wrestlers looking for some springboard action, Masters connects with the RTFM. Masters takes a 1-0 lead by hitting Chelle Shattered (springboard superkick). Rebooting, Impulse gets back into it, but the ref gets caught between a Michelle and the ropes as she avoids a superkick, and he tumbles to the floor. After a spinebuster, X3 (who apparently thinks it’s Free Kendo Stick Night) tosses Impulse a free kendo stick. Impulse tosses it back at X3, however, then hits the Sudden Impact (superkick) for three to tie the match 1-1. Xiong’s motivation here in helping Knox is getting the title off Masters because X3 has a code of “do no harm to women in a wrestling ring.” Final fall time, and the ref gets bumped AGAIN, and X3 tosses Michelle the weapon in an attempt to frame a woman for assault with a hurty weapon, which apparently is OK under his code. The ref wants to DQ her, but Impulse protests. The match (Match? What match?) will continue! Masters tries for ‘Chelle Shocked, but X3 challenges her to a race instead, which almost results in Impulse hitting Sudden Impact on Masters as she races back inside, but he stops himself. Finally having had enough, the ref ejects X3, who tries to kick dirt on the ref to no avail. Impulse gets a visual pin after a springboard 450 splash. The ref races back in, but this only gets a two as the time limit expires.

RESULT: Draw. The emphasis was on the X3 interference here, which hurt this from a wrestling perspective, but all made good booking sense. Without all the interference, it looked like these two could have a show-stealing match. (**)

– Blackstage, Affirmative Action rechristens the FWO and For Whites Only and calls Germans the “cracka-est of all crackas.” It’s funny because it’s true. They’re also pissed because the Ivy brought back the Legion of Dairy. And when you think of dairy you think of milk. “And what color is MILK? WHITE!” Awesome. AA is off my shitlist now. Enter Those Whacky Germans Hans and Bastian. They argue, and Hans says something in German, to which Big O responds: “What the fuck did you call my momma!” Roland thinks AA has been “drinking too much flat McGinnis” just as Ivy McGinnis joins the fray. All of this, of course, leads to…

3 – Blitzkrieg Funk (Hans & Bastian) vs. Affirmative Action (Big O, Junious & CJ)

Roland announces that this is two against three match. I still have trouble telling apart the AA boys. Insert racist joke here. The Germans roll out to get a break, but CJ goes airborne in a double rocket launcher. Misses! Ouch. The Germans invade the ring and occupy it. They quickly exterminate the inferior AA team after a corner gore of sorts, as the rest of AA forgot there was a match going on.

WINNERS: Blitzkreig Funk via pinfall. Umm…OK. Lots of buildup, no payoff. (DUD)

– In-ring, Vox Nihili (Karina Wolfenden and Alias) call out the Legion of Dairy for attacking them last week. Naturally this brings out…Callie Urban and Spike Saunders, who is 7-3 tall.

4 – Vox Nihili (Karina Wolfenden & Alias) vs. Callie Urban & Spike Saunders (Tag Team Championship)

K-Wolf flies out with a moonsault onto Saunders, but she gets caught. Alias looks for the save with a suicide dive, but Urban enzuigiris him and sends him crashing to the floor. The match becomes official, and Saunders hits a stalling suplex on K-Wolf for two. K-Wolf avoids a spinning backfirst and nails Urban with a nice back heel kick. After pummeling Urban, K-Wolf connects with a standing corkscrew moonsault for two. K-Wolf attemps an Asai DDT, but Urban reverses into a DDT of her own! Awesome. She gets caught, but manages to tag out to Alias, who chokes the giant on the top rope for a five count. Click! Click! Boom! (Headbutt! Knee! Elbow!). Alias powers up Saunders (!) for a K-Wolf double stomp, followed by an inverted snake eyes by Alias. Goodnight Moon Asai kneedrop by K-Wolf gets two. A bit later, K-Wolf leapfrogs Alias, knees Saunders, leading to a DDT for two. They remain in charge until Saunders catches her during a 720 DDT attempt and powerslams her for a long two. Later, Urban catches Alias with blue mist~! (Blue mist is pretty rare to see, and it’s supposed to put the victim to sleep…it’s somewhere between red and black mist on the Asian Mist Alert Level.) This leads to a triangle choke, but Alias’ arm only drops twice and he’s able to smash his way out. Saunders gets in and hits Spiked (gorilla press into an F5 of sorts) for two as K-Wolf lands a double stomp from the top to break it up. Urban catches K-Wolf with Gentrification (shining wizard) and then Saunders uses wheelbarrow slams Urban onto Alias and drops the leg for two. Urban gets dumped with headscissors, then Saunders gets caught on the ropes, leading to a double enzuigiri. Anarchy’s Lullaby buffalo sleeper on Saunders plus Goodnight Moon No. 2 and Vox Nihili retains.

WINNERS: Vox Nihili via pinfall. Teddy <3 Vox Nihili. Alias and K-Wolf manage to keep amazing me week after week. They are miles ahead of every other tag team on the planet. (***1/2)

– Backstage, High Flyer tells Ivy he wants to face…Xander Scott? Seriously?

5 – Ruben Ross vs. Jade Argent

Pretty good action in this one, lots of spotty cruiserweight action. End sees Argent grab a chair, which causes the referee to not notice Dave Morey enter and nail Ross with a Fire Thunder Driver and bail. Argent drops the chair and gets the win. Post-match, Morey attacks (as fans pelt the ring with beer), but The Winners Of This Match (Flying Frenchie and Mike Bear) run in for the save.

WINNER: Jade Argent via pinfall. (*1/4)

– Backstage, Callie Urban wants that sissy Spike Saunders to toughen up.

– Elsewhere backstage, Jade Argent wants to celebrate his victory with Xander Scott. There are also naked dudes present.

– Elsewhere backstage, Ivy tells Lowell Dot Com to get over his stage fright. He says he’s as “cool as a cucumber in eskimo’s icebox pussy.” By the end, Lowell does a Jim Carrey imitation before smacking his head into the wall. Very bizarre but entertaining segment.

6 – Fairview Reed vs. Keith Scott Zimmerman (w/Allison)

It’s Keith’s Greatest Hits. A mint tossed into the ring by Allison provides more offense than Reed. Bored, KSZ leaves the ring and gets counted out. However, post-match, KSZ rips into the drunken idiots in the crowd for a bit before addressing Krow and making it known he wants the World Championship. At the end, KSZ tosses Reed into the crowd and causes a fight between 7 1/2 men.

WINNER: Fairview Reed via countout. And I’m dying as I type the star rating. (1/4*) Hate to say it, but this Internet Title is pretty meaningless right now.

– In-ring, Lowell Dot Com tells the story of his life: he was in the FWO, then drug mule. Lots of swearing, drug references, and scat humor. This was supposed to lead to Lowell Dot Com vs. Dave Morey, but a cooler hits Lowell in the head. Fans chant “throw more shit!” They do. Classy fans tonight.

– In a men’s room, Ivy finds Tony Davis taking a whizz, and he can’t pee with her in the room. Xander Scott is there as well, drunk on the moonshine. There goes the main event.

– Backstage, Brawn confronts Jeff (and Julie) Garvin about Jeff piledriving the fuck out of him, but the stench of rookie is too overwhelming for Garvin.

– Elsewhere backstage, One Eye is running from somebody for some reason that nobody bothers to explain. Johnny Legend suggests he get naked? MORE male nudity?

– In-ring, killjoy is out to run down everybody in the promotion and says that every FWO World Champion has been a complete mockery. This brings out “Superstar” Vince Jacobs, then several referees, all leading to some hot heel on heel action…

7 – Vince Jacobs vs. killjoy

Jacobs is your default face here. Lots of brawling and high-impact stuff early, with Jacobs nailing a Superstar Kick, Starburst Brainbuster and Ego Check Sit-out Powerbomb for two. As Jacobs chops, killjoy laughs. Star Gazer Shining Wizard by Jacobs gets two. Jacobs goes for a table, but killjoy counters by going for Jacobs’ eyeballs, leading to a Stun Gun through the table! killjoy gets a table and a ladder, lays Jacobs on a table and climbs a ladder. But killjoy misses. Jacobs only gets a two! Ratings Grabber Shooting Star Press by Jacobs gets two again! Killjoy avoids Starstruck (spinning suplex DDT) and takes down Jacobs with a Russian legsweep facebuster. We get a DQ finish, as killjoy attacks Jacobs with a chair.

WINNER: Vince Jacobs by DQ. Some good stuff, with killjoy looking very strong as Jacobs used his best moves but still couldn’t defeat killjoy. The DQ ending tells me that this could just be the start of something bigger, as nothing was settled here. (*1/2)

– Post-match, referee storm the ring, and Jacobs knocks killjoy out of the ring before hitting a springboard plancha. They brawl into the drunk idiots, with killjoy at one point ripping the shirt off a woman to choke Jacobs. As Jacobs retreats, High Flyer attacks him and the long overdue brawl between these two is on! Flyer chases after Jacobs, who runs into Spike Saunders. Jacobs eventually gets out to his limo, but High Flyer and his sledgehammer are waiting. Nice chaotic segment there.

– Dave Morey lets us know he wants Ruben Ross fired via a political-style commercial, paid for by the Partnership for a Ruben Ross-free FWO. This might have made sense to run before Morey attacked Ross earlier.

– Backstage, Krow volunteers to replace Xander Scott in the main event. Ivy tells Krow not to forget his Hardcore Championship, but Krow says he won’t need it anymore.

8 – High Flyer vs. Krow (World Heavyweight Championship Match)

Nice sequence early, as both men avoid several moves before Flyer finally hits a spinning heel kick. Krow goes to the floor, and Flyer follows with a slingshot plancha. Some drunken idiots fall over the rail and get KTFOd as Flyer and Krow brawl. Back inside, Krow gets a two. Flyer fights out of a sleeper but eats a stiff lariat for two. Krow goes for the sleeper again and makes Flyer fight out again, but Flyer ends up going chest first into the buckles before being crushed by a running high knee to the back and a powerslam for two. Flyer avoids a corner Yakuza kick and lands an enzuigiri. A Koji Cutter gets Flyer a two. Flyer keeps on the offense, hitting a tilt-a-whirl inverted DDT bomb for two. A low dropkick to Krow’s face also gets two.

Flyer dropkicks Krow to the floor, then looks for a springboard shooting star press, but he gets nothing but ropes as Krow trips him up. DDT to the floor! Ouch. Back inside, Krow covers for a long two. Krow’s running knee gets another two. A brutal series of knees by Krow rocks Flyer’s head. Flyer with a nice reversal out of a brainbuster into a neckbreaker. They trade shots, and Flyer gains the advantage with a standing side kick, atomic drop, and jumping knee kick. *****1/2 Frog Splash by Flyer gets two. Flyer misses his Locomotive (running Yakuza kick) and Krow grabs him for The Prelude (release German suplex). Flyer reverses the Near Death Experience into a nearfall. A series of counters ends with Krow catching Flyer’s boot and spinning him around into the Near Death Experience (backdrop driver) for the shocking victory.

WINNER: Krow via pinfall, to become the new FWO World Heavyweight Champion. I like the title change here, as Krow has been booked very strong of late and gives instant credibility to the title. The match itself was very solid, as both guys went all out. If they gave these two about 5-10 more minutes, we would’ve had an easy MOTY candidate. (***1/4)

Post-match, Steven Shadows applauds and reminds us that this is all “fake” in a VERY shitty ending that tells everyone, “Hey, I knew Krow was winning the title ahead of time.” Yeah, douche, but everyone knows “House” is fake, too. But does Hugh Laurie go around blatantly saying it’s fake: “I knew that guy had primary amoebic meningoencephalitis because it’s on page 60 of the script, and by the way, my name is really Hugh”? Ugh. FUCKING VINCE RUSSO BOOKING STRIKES AGAIN!!!!

Final thoughts: Lots of good stuff tonight, especially Krow winning the FWO World Heavyweight Title, and the Vox Nihili Tag Title Match. This was a very entertaining show, aside from a couple of odd segments (One Eye/Legend and the “this is all fake” shit at the end). This was easily the strongest ReAction from top to bottom I’ve reviewed thus far.