June 10, 2009
– Show opens with announcement of a Meltdown shuffle. Tonight, two teams will be shuffled; next week, two more teams will trade partners; and in two weeks, the mystery members will be revealed. Translation: we need to rebook the random team drawing for angle purposes.
– Backstage, a stagehand runs into Lowell Dot Com, either scaring him or making him angry.
– Meanwhile, Jade Argent and Xander Scott bask in their awesomeness, and we learn that Scott thinks a troglodyte is a dinosaur with big horns. Argent: “American education.” Ruben Ross interrupts their fun to let them know they’ve committed crimes ranging from impersonating wrestlers to first-degree ratings homicide, not to mention aiding and abetting Krow to the World Championship. Ross promises to administer some “enhanced violence techniques.” Entertaining segment got right to the point without a lot of fluff.
– In a press conference area, Those Somewhat Whacky, But A Bit More Pissed Off Of Late Germans Hans Wilhelm and Bastian Von Bismarck (aka Blitzkreig Funk) let us know that tonight they’re closing out the best of five series against Affirmative Action.
– Elsewhere backstage, Jase Biggs won’t be fired for breaking ring announcer Stevie Roberts’ arm last week. Ugh, another “real” angle where a wrestler is really dangerous backstage, but somehow manages to stay employed. Isn’t having Krow on your roster enough? It’s the old “everything you see is fake, except for what you’re watching right now, which is REAL.”
– Elsewhere backstage, Leigh Landers (Max Danger’s something-or-other) visits my favorite FWO Cruiserweight Champion Michelle Masters. Masters has a gift from Keith Scott Zimmerman, but Landers’ top priority is asking Masters to answer Danger’s open challenge. Now, for those of you who have followed my columns, you know I’m not very “nice” when it comes to Masters. I’m trying to tone it down. Seriously. Look, I just resisted the urge to say how annoyingly happy and girly these two were together. DAMNIT! Maybe next week. Latest theory for why I don’t like Masters from a loyal reader: she’s married. That must be it. Damn her for being a WILF! The “w” is for “wife”; you can figure out the rest.
1 – Blitzkreig Funk (Hans Wilhelm & Bastian Von Bismarck) vs. Affirmative Action (Omar Atkins & Junious Slaughter) (w/Roland Washington and Craig Slaughter in a wheelchair) (Escape From Berlin Match)
So, there’s this 15-foot-tall (painted plywood) Berlin Wall with ropes running down each side. To win this match, both members of a team must climb over it. Washington brings out a stepladder for BF, because cracka ass crackas can’t jump, yo. Looks like we don’t need tags, as they just start fighting at the bell. Washington gets up on the apron after AA goes down to stereo clotheslines, and Bastian knocks him all the way to the barricade with a shoulder. This gets a big pop, not surprisingly. Too bad Craig doesn’t have a Hawking speech synthesizer to spout out the typical AA material. Now THAT would be funny. Von Bismarck connects with a super back suplex on Junious. Wilhelm makes himself a human ladder to help Von Bismarck escape. Von Bismarck comes back to help his partner? Ugh. That makes no sense. As punishment, Atkins blasts him with a chair, as well as Wilhelm. After they nail both Germans with the stepladder, Atkins climbs and escapes Berlin. Atkins comes back now (ugh again) and slams BF’s heads into the walls. Later, BF smash Atkins into the wall with a Hot Shot. Wilhelm climbs, but through a miracle, Craig can walk (and swing a chair). Junious and Wilhelm end up trading shots up top. Junious mule kicks Hans, and then rolls off the wall for the win.
WINNERS: Affirmative Action via climbing the wall. This was OK for a sports entertainment match, aside from allowing partners to come back after “escaping.” I can’t rate it, though.
– Backstage, that vulgar private investigator is back to confront Blitzkreig Funk. He wants to know about Burlington. The coat factory?
2 – Ruben Ross vs. Xander Scott
Tremendous pace to start this one before Ross connects with an Asai moonsault to the floor. Scott takes over and works the legs and highspots with some success before Ross crotches him up top and hits with a fireman’s carry neckbreaker. Ross’ missile dropkick segues to a La Magistral cradle for two. West Coast Stomp connects, but Ross sells the leg injury nicely and can’t capitalize. Ross follows with Shut ‘Em Down (backflip Ace crusher), but Scott kicks out again. After Ross misses from the top, Scott hits a top rope elbow for two. Ross catches Scott with a thumb then it’s Ratings Spike (inverted swinging neckbreaker) for the win.
WINNER: Ruben Ross via pinfall. These boys were high on highspots tonight, but this match was really disjointed most of the way, and Scott didn’t look nearly as polished as Ross. (*)
– Backstage, Callie Urban is upset to learn that Spike Saunders isn’t at the show, instead opting to attend the screening of “Pelham 123” (which I’d rate ** out of ****). Guess she’ll be looking for her Seattle 1, 2, 3 next week.
3 – Fairview Reed vs. Jeff Garvin
Reed takes Garvin by surprise early, hitting a DDT for two. Garvin takes over, connects with a lariat, and looks for a powerbomb, but Reed back body drops him and takes Garvin down with a clothesline for two. Garvin’s Original Slam attempt is countered with a roll-up for two. Garvin gets stiff with Reed before hitting a spinebuster. Hammer Jammer (sharpshooter) time, and this one’s over.
WINNER: Jeff Garvin via submission. Not much to it, though it looks like Reed’s on his way to becoming a legit underdog instead of a straight out jobber. (1/2*)
Post-match, Garvin calls out Brawn, who walks out in street clothes. Garvin demands a wardrobe change, but it’s really just a distraction as Garvin’s wife Julie sneaks in and nails Brawn with the HIGH HEEL OF HURTYNESS! Jeff then delivers the Memphis Death Certificate (jumping piledriver) on a bloody Brawn. I also often bleed when I get hit with high heel shoes.
– Backstage, “Superstar” Vince Jacobs and Rana Venenosa have some harsh words for High Flyer, all as a result of Jacobs not getting his shot at the title, and for Flyer holding Venenosa down. Sign of a good heel: their motivations make sense like this. Excellent.
4 – Dave Morey & Jade Argent vs. Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfenden)
Ruben Ross comes out in a referee shirt with no explanation. Vox Nihili takes control early on Morey, hitting him with stereo kicks to the head for (clean) two count from Ross. Alias gutwrenches Morey for some K-Wolf double stomp action, into a reverse snake eyes. After a koppou kick, K-Wolf hits a corkscrew standing 450 splash for two. Morey catches her handstand 619 and sends her head into Argent’s knee, who then tags in and gets two after a capture suplex. Out of stalling suplex, Morey taunts Alias and drops her on the top rope. Morey stretches K-Wolf, and Argent dives with an elbow for two. They continue targeting her side, but K-Wolf hits a scorpion kick out of an underhook. Morey misses K-Wolf with a punch, just avoids hitting Ross, then K-Wolf hits an enzuigiri. Hot tag! Alias with some Click! Click! Boom! on Morey. Alias catches Argent with a belly-to-belly half-nelson suplex into the buckles. Alias with a German suplex on Morey, then a Glasgow Kiss diving headbutt for two. After an enzuigiri, Argent locks up Alias, but Alias ducks a big boot from Morey. Double enzuigiri on Morey. Anarchy’s Lullaby (buffalo sleeper) is locked in, and K-Wolf adds the Goodnight Moon (Asai kneedrop). Morey’s arm drops three times.
WINNERS: Vox Nihili via submission. As always, Vox Nihili brings the goods. Another fun, solid Vox Nihili match. (**3/4)
– Post-match, Ross attacks Morey, but Alias shoves him off. So Ross runs down Alias and K-Wolf and busts out his Alias impersonation: “Blah blah blah, I fight the right way, blah blah blah, fight my battles in the ring, blah blah blah, I’m now all for truth and righteousness and being a total Seacrest because I’m banging my butch-as-hell technicolor Medusa-wannabe of a tag team partner and she’s got my Original Pulp Balls in a jar in her room next to her old meth needles & Korn t-shirts. I’m Jenny Garner, eat your vitamins, say your prayers, and remember, THE FANS ARE GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-EAT!” K-Wolf yawns, Alias grins. Once done with them, he lets Morey know that it will be Ross vs. Morey in a lumberjack match at Meltdown, and Alias and K-Wolf are two of the lumberjacks, and they’re OK.
– Backstage, we have more killjoy vaguery, as he talks to someone about something.
– In-ring, High Flyer, Mary-Lynn Mayweather, and Tony Davis are out. Flyer lets us know that this title belongs to HIM, not Krow, or Vince Jacobs, or Rana Venenosa, or even killjoy. He says he lights his friends on fire…”just imagine what I do to my enemies.” Jacobs is out to confront Flyer about ducking him. He says he’ll go through all of Flyer’s rejects if he has to. It looks like we’re about to have ourselves a fight, but Rana Venenosa sneaks in and drives Flyer into his own title with a Ranacidal (Ace crushing knee strike).
– Internet Champion Keith Scott Zimmerman (wearing an “I SURVIVED THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION 2001-2009” shirt!), and his wife Allison, are out to tremendous heat. KSZ promises more Zimmerman Invitational tonight and gets big heat by invoking the Oklahoma City Thunder, which prompts a Sonics chant for the departed NBA franchise. KSZ’s response? “You bunch of idiots. You’re cheering for an entity that NO LONGER EXISTS! Do you realize this!? What’s next, you want to fire one up for David Carradine?! USE LESS ROPE PLEASE!” clap, clap, clapclapclap! He goes on to run down some woman who showed up three months late (you know…what’shername…), Krow and Shadows trying to kill each other, and Flyer for ducking him for an entire season (spring). This brings out Impulse, leading to…
5 – Keith Scott Zimmerman vs. Impulse
Early, Impulse gets a crossface, but lets KSZ go for some reason. Impulse reverses out of a headlock into an ankle lock, but KSZ grabs the ropes. KSZ catches him coming, hits coldCOCKED (stun gun) for two. A snap DDT, reverse neckbreaker and elbow drop all net the same two count for KSZ. Impulse reverses a slingshot suplex into a small package for two. Impulse with a missile dropkick, KSZ is up first for a KSZDT, but Impulse dumps him hard to the mat. Flying lariat by Impulse gets two. A suplex and swanton both get Impulse nearfalls. KSZ avoids Sudden Impact (superkick), and KSZ grabs him from Hit My Music (codebreaker) for the win.
WINNER: Keith Scott Zimmerman via pinfall. Short match with some decent action. (*3/4)
– Backstage, Jase Biggs marks out upon meeting Steven Shadows (or Graphic Violence…whatever he’s going by now…I’ll call him Graphic Shadows until he decides). Shadows names Biggs Pig, because he’s ugly like a pig, squeals like a pig, and his stupid name sounds like Pig.
– In-ring, Graphic Shadows talks about enjoying watching Krow suffer after Shadows handed him the Hardcore Title back in April. Shadows messes up FWO history, saying Krow defended his title for the first time against Flyer (it was actually Max Danger). Fans want Krow for some reason, but Shadows says he’s won the war.
6 – The Flying Frenchie vs. killjoy
killjoy starts off with T-SHIRT PSYCHOLOGY to gain an advantage. killjoy avoids a couple of Frenchie’s trademark spots, so he resorts to some brawling tactics. Frenchie’s springboard moonsault misses, and killjoy bails, only to toss a chair toward Frenchie’s face, but more importantly, it’s a distraction for the second chair shot.
WINNER: The Flying Frenchie, via disqualification. I don’t know, killjoy. I think a gun would do more damage to Frenchie than a chair, but that’s just me. (NA)
– Backstage, High Flyer visits Alias and Karina Wolfenden. Alias reminds Flyer that he’s pinned Flyer twice. Flyer “Wanna be my first challenger?” Alias: “That’s some good crazy, Flyer.”
– It’s time for the first Meltdown 2009 Shuffle. In what I’m sure is a totally on the up-and-up drawing, Krow and killjoy end up as partners, which results in the new MEGATEAM of Beef and Junious Slaughter. One of these teams will enter number 30, while the other will enter as team number 1. I call killjoy winning now.
– Max Danger and Leigh Landers head out for open challenge time. And oddly, Michelle Masters answers it. I guess Danger is a heel in Montreal and face in America. Just like Shawn Michaels. And just like Xin Xin Xiong, Danger doesn’t hit women.
7 – Michelle Masters vs. Max Danger
Danger kicks it off with a quick roll-up for two. After several nearfalls, an annoyed Masters slaps Danger. Danger counters a second slap with a backslide for two. Masters dumps Danger to the floor with a rana, then connects with an Asai moonsault DDT to the floor, which Danger sells the hell out of. Once Danger is up, she looks for a somersault rana to the floor, but Danger catches her and gives her a seat on the apron. She fights free, heads up top, and catches Danger with a flying elbow as he gets back inside for two. With Danger’s throat on the middle rope, Masters hits a somersault butt splash onto his head. They trade several nearfalls that culminates in a lung blower by Masters. ‘Chelle Shocked (shooting star splash) misses, and Danger capitalizes with a La Magistral cradle for a long two. Masters kips up, but Danger with a crucifix pin for two. After a series of counters, Masters catches Danger with a standing moonsault. Danger looks for a roll-up, but Masters blocks and gets the pin.
WINNER: Michelle Masters by pinfall. Decent exhibition for both wrestlers, but they needed more time than they were given to develop a really good match. Pretty lackluster main event and way to end the show. (**)
Final thoughts: Overall, this show was pretty flat. If I may play FWO re-booker, I would’ve bumped down the cruiserweight main event to the top of the second hour spot. This whole trend of new people main eventing is really strange (this was part of the reason I was put off on Masters early, because she went from unemployed to main eventer and champion in one week when she showed up). I love Danger, but has he really earned TWO main events in three weeks in FWO land? Aside from that, I’m never a fan of cruiserweight/undercard-level matches like this main eventing.
Then, you throw together an opening segment with Ross/Alias/K-Wolf/Morey/Argent/Scott – perhaps Ross comes out, runs his mouth, the three guys come out looking for some beat down action, but Vox Nihili step out to keep order – and challenges are thrown down that result in Ross or Scott winning their way as referee (instead of Ross just randomly walking out in a ref shirt) into your new reAction main event of Vox vs. Argent/Morey, with the ultimate goal of putting the lumberjack match on the line. But if Morey’s team wins, they don’t meet at Meltdown (or they meet with alternative stips of Morey’s choosing, such as a handicap match or something that stacks the odds heelishly against Ross). This gives the viewers a nice running theme for the night, instead of what felt like a scattered collection of matches/segments. Plus, if you’re heading toward Alias/Flyer, that would have also given Alias some additional main event cred.