June 3, 2009
– Show opens in-ring with World Champion and Hardcore Champion Krow, who tonight plans to finish off Steven Shadows for good. After he exorcises the ghost of Shadows, he says he’ll finally feel like a champion.
– They announce the Meltdown 2009 teams: Mike Bear & Max Danger; High Flyer & Tony Davis; Jason Biggs & X; killjoy & Junious Slaughter; Graphic Violence & Hans Wilhem; Impulse & egg NOG; Krow & Beef?Team; Johnny Legend & Brittney Chambers; Ruben Ross & Jade Argent; Mystery #1 & Alias; K-Wolf & cheese; One Eye & Brawn; C.J. Slaughter & Bastian Von Bismark; Mary Lynn Mayweather & Omarr Atkins; Spike Saunders & El Janito; Xander Scott & Jeff Garvin; Flying Frenchie & Dave Morey; Mystery #2 & Vince Jacobs; Michelle Masters & Keith Scott Zimmerman; Xin Xin Xiong & Rana Venenosa.
1 – Impulse vs. Jase “Don’t Call Me Jason!” Biggs
The goofy Biggs enters twice (to “Don’t Stop Believin'”), apparently unaware this is a live show. If this keeps up, this match might end with a “Sopranos”-style sudden cut to black. Impulse dominates early, so Biggs bails. Biggs can’t get anything going the rest of the way, as Impulse just looks in another league, eventually unleashing the Sudden Impact (superkick) for the win.
WINNER: Impulse via pinfall. Just a short, one-sided squash that made Impulse look great and Biggs look like a joke. (1/2*)
– Backstage, High Flyer threatens William Beaven with desk arson if he doesn’t get a rematch against Krow for the World Title tonight.
– In-ring, your Internet Champion Keith Scott Zimmerman (w/wife Allison). The Big News: he unveils the Zimmerman Invitational, which is like the Meltdown drawing, but less random, and uses a tumbler. Tonight’s winner is Brawn, but he isn’t here. Or is he? No. No, he’s not. Wait, yes he is, but he’s not supposed to be.
2 – Keith Scott Zimmerman vs. Brawn (Internet Title)
Brawn sells his wrist injury (courtesy of Jeff Garvin last week) early and KSZ hits a nice dropkick for two. Snap DDT, but Brawn pretty much no-sells and comes back with a jawbreaker. Brawn catches KSZ for a powerslam and gets two. But KSZ comes back, eventually hitting Hit My Music (codebreaker) and then the Next Generation Headliner (tilt-a-whirl reverse Russian legsweep) for the win.
WINNER: Keith Scott Zimmerman via pinfall. Another short match, but at least KSZ has something of a gimmick to work with. If this keeps up, I’d expect KSZ to win a few more like this before a real challenger rises to give him a run for the title, which is in dire need of some value. (3/4*)
– Backstage, we learn Brawn missed the Meltdown spoilers.
– Elsewhere backstage, Graphic Violence (I guess he’s no longer going by Steven Shadows?) no-sells the existence of a FWO reporter.
3 – Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfenden vs. The Winners Of This Match (Mike Bear & Flying Frenchie) vs. Mega Job (El Janito & Beef)
Mega Job is your mystery team. Presumably, TWOTM wanted MegaJob in this match so THEY could beat them. Will their genius plan work? Or will Alias and Karina liquefy their bones? This quickly degenerates into a comedy match, as everyone destroys Beef early, though the numerous ref distractions and FAKE TAG CLAPS are pure awesomeness. Janito shocks the world by actually hitting a Five Tequila Frog Splash on Frenchie for two. End comes as Bear locks Beef into the Bear Claw (dragon sleeper), but Alias nails him with his second swandive headbutt of the match. Alias locks up Beef in the Anarchy’s Lullaby (buffalo sleeper) and Beef taps.
WINNER: Vox Nihili via submission. Fun comedy match. (*)
– In-ring, Cruiserweight Champion Michelle Masters cuts a promo acknowledging that people think she doesn’t deserve the title. She lists off the people she’s previously beaten, says she isn’t your stereotypical wrestler, and tells people to get over it. Actually, from where I sit, it has nothing to do with her wrestling ability, it’s more about the crappy booking revolving around her and the title upon her return and not being presented as a compelling CHARACTER. The bookers lazily reintroduced her, made her out to look like a heel, didn’t punish her at all for her behavior, then shoved her down our throats in so-so matches where she would pretty much dominate (in some cases, bigger men who in real life would leave her for dead, such as Alias). Not a good formula for getting over. Plus, many men flat out don’t like female characters being in significant roles. Anyway, she calls out Xander Scott, who’s really mastered the art of single entendres, as he makes fun of Ruben Ross and Affirmative Action. Are AA faces? God help us. Scott, channeling Sid Vicious, says, “I’m pretty sure no one cares who you beat, it’s about who you’re going to beat. And tonight that’s me.” This leads us into…
4 – Xander Scott vs. Michelle Masters (Cruiserweight Championship)
Scott should introduce the Snoopy Dance as the set-up to his finisher. Masters kicks off the match with a corkscrew plancha suicida. Masters ends up playing the underdog early in this one. She hits a springboard split-legged moonsault, but then misses a springboard 450 splash to the floor. Unnecessary risk of injury there. Scott tosses her around outside for a bit, then heads back inside for a nearfall. He follows up with a powerbomb for two. Masters avoids a superkick and takes Scott down with a slingshot bulldog. She finishes Scott off with KSZ’s Hit My Music for the win.
WINNER: Michelle Masters via pinfall. This was pretty short and OK, though nothing memorable. Adding in KSZ’s finisher was a nice touch heading toward Meltdown. (*)
– Backstage, Jeff Garvin looks on unapprovingly of his Meltdown partner.
5 – Spike Saunders & Callie Urban vs. The Legion of Dairy (egg NOG & cHEESE)
Pre-match, they trade some verbal shots of insignificance (the “highlight” is cHEESE calling Saunders a retarded dinosaur). Saunders is your gentle giant in peril early, which makes Urban bust out the Chinese profanities as her Napoleon complex flares up. Eventually, Saunders makes the tag and is saved by the midget girl. Later, the LoD takes Saunders down with a double suplex. Saunders scores with a chokeslam, but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB cHEESE. Urban prevents a LoD tag by yanking NOG down and hitting a lungblower. Nice military press slam/leg drop combo on cHEESE gets Urban a two. With the LoD on the floor, Spike launches Urban down onto them. Back inside, Urban hits the Drive By (Ace crusher) for two, as NOG gets a foot on the rope. She misses a Pele kick, and they fight over a DDT. As she’s in a fisherman’s, she blind tags to Saunders, who doesn’t come in? She gets fishermanbusted. Apparently, that buster was refreshing and not at all painful, so she’s back up, and Saunders saunters into the ring to big boot NOG. Shining wizard by Urban on NOG, but cHEESE grabs Urban in the Government cHEESE submission. This distracts Saunders from hitting his finisher, and time expires.
RESULT: Time limit draw. There was some decent action in here, but the match was pretty dull, and Saunders looking useless and dumb didn’t help anything, especially if he’s supposed to be the face. (*1/2)
Post-match, Urban further emasculates Saunders, setting up Urban vs. Saunders for next week.
– Backstage, Jade Argent runs into Leigh Landers and gets himself booked against some dude named Max Danger.
6 – Max Danger (w/Leigh Landers) vs. Jade Argent
Early, Danger gets several nearfalls and dominates the match. A frustrated Argent demands everybody shut their ugly mouths! Danger stays in control, hitting a springboard missile dropkick and tornado DDT. Momentum changes after an Argent enzuigiri. He bashes Danger into the turnbuckle nine times, getting the crowd to count along. SHUT YOUR UGLY MOUTHS! This is going to get over in a hurry if he keeps it up, count on it. Danger tries for a leap frog, but gets caught with a dropkick and two count. Argent goes up top, but misses a crossbody. Marvel Kick (superkick) connects, but it only gets two. Argent holds onto the ropes for dear life, but he swipes at Landers and loses his grip. Slingshot, but Argent lands on the middle rope and rebounds with a sunset flip for two. Danger gets tossed to the floor onto Landers’ glasses. Oopsie. Argent accidentally hits Landers with a baseball slide, which distracts Danger, allowing Argent to catch him for a double chickenwing submission
WINNER: Jade Argent by submission. Good little match. (**)
– Backstage, Xin Xin Xiong bashes his skull into a locker. Guess he forgot the combination, or he ran out of money to buy an actual mask and he’s settling for a free crimson one. But no, the truth is revealed once he screams, “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!” Yes, off-camera, a turtle is trying to convince him to take over the world. Somebody get that man a gun, stat! Playing the part of the turtle tonight is killjoy, but he doesn’t get shot. Instead, killjoy gives X3 a new mask.
7 – Affirmative Action (Omar Atkins & Junious Slaughter vs. Blitzkrieg Funk (Hans & Bastian) (Hardcore Match)
These teams are in the midst of a best of five series. Pre-match, Roland Washington talks about flag desecration, but forgets to mention that the black man must have invented both magic, and magic markers, because they’re both BLACK! Those Whacky Germans come out dressed in S&M gear, ready to get “hardcore.” Match goes back and forth (you know, both ways). German Happy Time Hug by Hans on Slaughter creeps out the AA boys, as does a Garter Belt Leg Drop on Atkins. HOMOPHOBIC PSCYHOLOGY~! A pair of Blitzkreigs (double spears) finish off AA.
WINNERS: Blitzkrieg Funk via pinfall. This match was something out of the Vince Russo Playbook o’ Sportz Entertainment Nightmares. It put up BF 2-1 in their series, but made all of us die just a little inside. (DUD)
– Backstage, killjoy brings The Flying Frenchie a gift: the pistol that Fallen used to shatter his leg at some point in the past. killjoy promises to do worse to Frenchie than the gun did.
– Elsewhere backstage, Dave Morey plays interviewer for Alias, asking dickish questions in a pre-tape that apparently should’ve aired before the Vox Nihili match. Discussion turns to good, evil and shades of grey (RUSSSOOOOOO!). Ruben Ross runs off Morey, then gets slightly testy with Alias.
8 – The Devil’s Advocate Dave Morey vs. One Eye
Match doesn’t happen, as Ruben Ross attacks Morey during his entrance.
WINNER: One Eye via forfeit.
– Backstage, Mary-Lynn Mayweather tells High Flyer that she’s gonna challenge “Superstar” Vince Jacobs to a match. Surely you can’t be serious! I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.
9 – “Superstar” Vince Jacobs vs. Mary-Lynn Mayweather
Challenge put forth. Challenge accepted. Jacobs points out that Mayweather has bigger balls than Flyer, because Flyer won’t fight Jacobs. Low blow gets Mayweather a one right off the bell. Her offense doesn’t last long, as Jacobs catches her with a German suplex, then a DDT. After hitting Starburst, Jacobs pulls Mayweather up at two. Star Struck time, and Jacobs picks up the easy win.
WINNER: “Superstar” Vince Jacobs via pinfall. Yet another short match, but at least this one tied nicely into the Flyer/Jacobs feud. (1/2*)
Post-match, Jacobs gets a chair and Rana Venenosa comes to join the fun, but its Flyer and his sledgehammer, Dusk, Tony Davis, and David Noble to the rescue, so Jacobs and Venenosa bail.
– Security footage (from earlier tonight) shows Roland Washington steal Blitzkreig Funk’s duffel bags. Duffel bag dump time? Oh, Roland. Dumps are what color? They’ll trace it right to Affirmative Action.
– Elsewhere, Impulse gets a phone call from somebody who wants him to bring Lowell Dot Com. Must be a Mexican drug dealer, esse.
– Graphic Violence no-shows, which results in our bait-and-switch main event of…
10 – Krow vs. High Flyer (World Championship)
Flyer takes control early, landing a nice moonsault dropkick and a superkick. The match heads to the floor, and Krow hip tosses Flyer badly onto the edge of the announce desk. Krow targets the injury, hitting a gutwrench suplex onto the ring apron. Flyer gets back into it with the help of the stairs, and then a chairshot. The bell never rang for some reason, but it does now, and Flyer gets a two. Krow takes over the match with brawling until Flyer starts working on Krow’s leg, eventually locking in a ringpost-aided figure four! Later, Flyer looks to fly, but Krow catches him for an overhead belly-to-belly suplex to the corner, eventually getting a two. Flyer fights out of a powerbomb and goes back to work on the leg.
Krow fights back and climbs to the middle rope, where Flyer catches him with a dragon screw leg whip. A Muta Lock doesn’t get a submission, so Flyer looks for a Sharpshooter, but Krow fights free. A roaring elbow by Krow leads to a powerbomb pin for two. Krow follows up with a running buckle bomb, then a running knee to the corner. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Krow looks for the Prelude (release German suplex), but Flyer grabs the ropes, so Krow puts on a sleeper, hooks him, and suplexes him. Graphic Violence’s music hits and he heads down. With Krow distracted by his mere presence, Flyer gets back up. Superkick, blocked, Near Death Experience, reversed, and a Japanese leg roll gets Flyer two. Flyer ducks a stiff lariat and rebounds with the Locomotive (Yakuza kick). Krow’s still standing, so Flyer rebounds for a step-up Locomotive, which is enough for him to regain the World Heavyweight Title.
WINNER: High Flyer via pinfall to become the new FWO World Heavyweight Champion. Good main event. I would’ve preferred to see Krow hold onto the title for a while as a monster heel to give the title some credibility while they built up a quality face to challenge him to create a money match, rather than him just being a transitional champion. But hey, Flyer looked pretty good here. Hopefully his injuries are behind him and he can get back on track. (***1/2)
Post-match, Steven Shadows once again delivers the Hardcore Championship to Krow, then hits Unsuitable for Children (inverted F5) to close us out.
Final Thoughts: This show had a lot of stuff going on, and it almost felt like a Crash TV format (complete with some atrocious sports entertainment) at times. While there was a bare minimum of wrestling, points for developing storylines/feuds and fleshing out some personalities a bit. Not a must-see episode, but the main event, as usual of late, delivered, so SHUT YOUR UGLY MOUTHS!