"Shooting Star" Interview: Non-Retard Repost (from The Schmucks)

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

Full Name:

Matthew Graham. I’ve been doing this since I was 28, and I’m turning 34 soon… and I’ve been reminded everyday since my first match at some indy federation outside Leonardo, New Jersey… that a form of CRACKER shares the same name as my last name. It’s a crazy world.

How the hell are you?

Doing fine. Something rare, when it’s “PPV SUNDAY!”, but I’m relaxed.

I don’t get to wrestle tonight, which is kinda nice. I get to do promos, throughout the broadcast. I get the feeling I’m a star that’s falling, but “The Powers That Be” promise me, otherwise. Though, I have to ask myself sometimes, “What is this? I lose one match, and now they’re having me just do PROMOS? What is this? WCW?” Tonight will be fun, though.

The Schmucks are buying, so what are you drinking?

Coffee. A 3 hour PPV, and I’m only working for what? 20 minutes in total? I have to keep myself up. I’m driving with Paco The Euro Trash. Not so reliable. He won’t wake me up, and he finds me sleeping on a bench in the locker room. I don’t wanna fall asleep, and find myself in the middle of an empty locker room, at 2am. I get scared, very easily.

What was the first wrestling event you ever went to?

WWF King Of The Ring ‘94. Pretty much inspired me to get into the business. It’s a good thing I left before the main event, which was Piper vs. Lawler. I don’t think I would’ve been inspired if I saw that, and I don’t think I’d be sitting here talking to you. What’s with Piper, anyway? Does his hip have Downs Syndrome?

What were you like at school?

Kept to myself. A social commentator. Showed signs of intelligence. My mother says “..Yeah, then you wanted to become a guy who gropes other males into submission for a living.” I watched wrestling since I was 6, and I didn’t have to deal with other students running down the halls, giving me crotch chops. Girls? Next question.

If you weren’t a wrestler, what would you be?

Probably a writer. It’s great to have creative control of your character, in the WTFL. I write all my promos, and if I weren’t writing the material I’ve written for my character and his associates here, I would’ve probably ended up writing them for some TV programming.

What’s your most treasured material possesion?

My Boston Red Socks baseball cap. I love wearing hats. They fit my huge cranium so well. Oooh, I look good in them. The Sox hat is my favorite. I never leave home without it.

What’s in your pockets right now?

Keys to the rental, and my wallet. Today is payday, so you know the wallet is coming out soon. I got gum. You chew it, y’know.

What was the last record you brought?

Weird Al Yankovic “Bad Hair Day”. I already had it, but the CD was so scratched, seeing how I’ve had it since the day it came out. His best album to date. That’s saying something.

Who’s the wrestler you most looked up to during your early years?

George “The Animal” Steele. He wasn’t even a wrestler, really.. but he paved the way for wrestlers who enjoyed being silly on screen. God bless the man.

Who was the last person you punched in a non-wrestling context, and why?

This stupid wrestler named The Dark One. His first in ring name? Mike Foley. Yeah, kinda sad. At our PPV Retribution in 2000, a manager of mine: a 51 year old by the name of George… was the defending Xtreme Champion, and was having a three way match. The Dark One did a spot that wasn’t scripted, and that was putting a cookie sheet on George’s face, and dropping a knee on it… injuring George’s nose. After the match, The Dark One put the blame on George, for the incident… and I put my fist in Dark One’s ballsack. I heard he’s stayed single since then.

What was best match you ever had?

Against Adrenaline at Carpe Diem. Wow, that was awesome. Adrenaline can carry ANYONE in the squared circle. I love him for that. I’m so clumsy. I blame my pigeon toed feet, most of the time. I won the World Title for the first time, so that helped.

And the worst?

A Six Tag Match with Bob and Ted, my TWO OTHER senior managers… against that little bastard The Dark One, Voodoo, and Mike2Dope at Retribution 2000. Not only did we have to lose, thanks to The Dark One refusing to allow a 50 plus year old man get the win… but Bob had to retire from actual wrestling, thanks to the The 2DopeDrop from Mike. Bah.

Which celebrity would you most like to punch, and why?

I’m responsible for EVERY B-LIST celebrity who has came into the WTFL. That’s more proof that me writing for the show is… eh… not a good thing. Hopefully, we can get Michael Jackson to stop by. Hell, who am I kidding? With his last album going triple PLASTIC, and his career burning away… He’ll probably be on the next Sunday Shocker.

What’s your culinary specialty?

Chicken Curry. Indian food. But, I’m only great because of what I work with. Bless those Europeans for their Curry sauce. Mmm.

Have you ever been arrested?

Only once. I was co-directing a promo for the Mojo World Order. We were filming it, in front of this night club for an exterior. We didn’t have a permit. So, the cops came.. and I left in handcuffs. Yay. The promo was finished, and it proved that the arrest was worth it.

What’s the greatest film ever made?

Dogma. Kevin Smith made a very boring subject like religion worth a billion chuckles. Wow. Just… amazing.

Which cartoon character do you most associate yourself with?

Milhouse from The Simpsons. I’m pretty weird, and my “unhipness” and my plain goofiness has raised a lot of eyebrows at me. However, even though I am such a lamewad… I’ll end up making out with everyone in the locker room’s wives and girlfriends, in a treehouse somewhere.

If you could meet one person, living or dead, who would it be?

Bill Hicks. Was he right.. about EVERYTHING?

Do you like reggae music?

Marley has more talent than Lennon. But, where the hell is Bob Marley International Airport? Ugh. Burn, Yoko. Burn.

Can you recite a line of poetry?

How about something I made up, and hope to put in a promo someday?!
WELL, SWELL!

“I’m gonna MAKE YOU EAT YER HAT!”

“Well, I guess I’ll go get a hat, then.”

Happiness is…?

Knowing the fact that some smart mark from a website I’ll probably forget after this interview ends… wants to spend his weekend, flying across the country… just to interview me.

Where are you off to right now?

To film a promo where I.. the on screen president… panics about the new WTFL World Title belt not arriving, yet… and that the tournament has already started! Ahh!! After that.. coffee, and a game of cards with Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor, Paco, and EMP.