The "Not" Keith Rant for BAF Nightmare Before New Year Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The SCHMUCKS Rant for Bad Ass Federation’s “Nightmare Before New Year”

Surprise, surprise, Schmucksters! Yes, the site too dumb to quit returns… again! Long time, no rant, huh? Let’s get right back into it by delving once more into Xenomorphs “Big Bag O’ Cheap-ass Tapes”… I swear, the guy is single-handedly keeping E-Bay in business. Today, an organization that pulls no punches with its’ name… The Bad Ass Feds’ “Nightmare Before New Year” PPV.

-We were very possibly LIVE from the Skydome in Toronto. The gate is announced at 55 thousand, although I have my doubts. (Trust me, even Vinnie Mac isn’t getting that many people here these days…) J.R and The King are manning the booth. A pre-game package shows us a few other WWE moonlighters, plus the occasional cast-off. (Yes, Scott Hall, I’m looking at YOU!) A Generic Rock band and some pyro welcome us. Then more pyro after J.R delivers his first line. (Possibly in celebration, because he doesn’t blow it. He makes up for it by mangling his next few, though.)

-Since INSTANT ACTION=Ratings, we… head backstage to Bischoff and The Orange Goblin. They have a trivial conversation. In J.R-speak, they’re “conversating”. I think he’s been possessed by the spirit of Dusty Rhodes.

Cosmo & Madrox vs Outkast & Duron (W/Big Poppa Potts) (BAF Tag Title Match)

After two of the dullest entrances known to man, Madrox and Duron come out swinging. Duron no-sells a clothesline and works Madrox over in the corner. He stops to yell at the fans, allowing the tag to Cosmo. Cosmo DDTs’ Duron and gives him a neckbreaker for 2. Duron no-sells Cosmos follow-up offense and tags in Outkast. It appears Potts has been miked, as he’s nearly drowning out J.R at times. Outkast clotheslines Cosmo a few times and hits the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER! (2 minutes, ten seconds into the first match. That’s gotta be close to a record.) Cosmo works in the Flair Flop out of the corner, Outkast legdrops him and cheapshots Madrox. Outkast gets 2 off a flapjack, then misses an elbowdrop. He eats shoe leather on a blind charge while Madrox and Duron brawl half-heartedly on the floor. Cosmo dropkicks Outkast and chokes away, making Potts scream like a panicky woman. Cosmo heads up, Duron shoves him off and Outkast is going for the tag. (Which is Tepid, at best.) Cosmo prevents Outkast tagging, which seems backwards given the heel/face alignments. He cleans house himself until Outkast reverses a piledriver. Heel miscommunication results in Potts chairshotting Outkast, Madrox FINALLY does something useful by spearing Duron and there’s new champs in town. Huzzah. *1/4 Paint-by-numbers stuff.

-Meanwhile, Bisch walks down a hallway. Yep, that was the entire segment. Pointless cutaways rule!

Back at ringside, JR and Lawler make way for Peterson and Dobbs. It’s not much of a subsitution, as Peterson is even more garbled on the stick than Ross has been. Meanwhile, Dobbs proves to have the emotional range of Steven Segal on Valium. The next match kicks off in the parking lot, so we have…

Raven vs Blood Boy vs Stalker (Possibly)

I THINK this is a triple threat match… without any sort of intro, it’s a confusing brawl right from the get-go. The fight on and around parked cars until Stalker takes out both men with a tyre iron. Raven blades as Stalker and Blood Boy climb a conviently-placed semi. And brawl. Raven joins them,. Everyone brawls. Evenflow gets 2 on Blood Boy. Blood Boy rolls Raven up for 1. And finally a Masked Man arrives to end the match… by driving the semi into a wall at high speed. The ref finds Stalker lying on Blood Boy and counts the pinfall. (Rather than, y’know… checking for a pulse.) -** Let us never speak of this crock of shit again.

-Backstage, Apollo refers to Bischoff as a “pin” in his ass. Interesting.

-Speaking of Bisch, we cut to him giving Rae a pep-talk. After all, we haven’t seen him on-screen in nearly seven minutes….

-And finally, Tazz interviews Jerricha. Trinity arrives for a audience-awakening catfight at the end.

The Dudley Boys vs The New Age Outlaws. (Table match)

We get the entire NAO pre-match spiel… someone tell these guys it’s 2003, PLEASE! Bubba overpowers Road Dogg, who bails. Billy tags in, unleashes some devastating slams and clotheslines. Bubba makes the hot(??) tag sixty seconds in, D-von throws a few clotheslines and punches. It’s like they’re competing to see who has the least interesting offense in the match. D-von runs into a powerslam and MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. Double-teaming leads to a Shaky Kneedrop, which leads to the match becoming a confused mess. D-von uses the DISCUS PUNCH OF WHIRLY DEATH on Billy. Bubba tags in, but the match has totally disintegrated by now. Even BONZO and GONZO have no idea what’s going on. The Dudz bring the whole abortion to a mercifully quick close with a 3-D through a table. DUD How bad was the match in the end? I couldn’t even tell WHO took the 3-D, due to the cameraman missing the shot completely!

-Post-match, Scott Hall heads to ringside. He wants a piece of Triple H’s “Muscle-bound ass’, apparently. Trip is getting gayer than Richard Simmons before our very eyes, folks! He hits the ring for an uninteresting pull-apart brawl.

Outkast vs BBJ (Hell in a Cell)

Dobbs monotonically refers to BBJ as “The tenacious BBJ”. I’d prefer to be listening to some Tenacious D right about now… Outkast slams BBJ from the bell and tosses him into the steps. This is deemed so devestating, we get multiple-angled replays of it. It’s hardly Foley bulls-eyeing the announce table, but you have to take what you can get with the BAF, it seems. Back inside, Outkast gets 2 off a powerslam. Piledriver, DDT and suplex from Outkast. BBJ finally gets out of first gear with a headscissors takedown. Dobbs nearly explodes with excitement. BBJ hits the Kids Crush for the pinfall and the nWo championship. Th’ HELL? DUD. Either they edited the HELL out of that match, or they booked a ninty-second Hell in a Cell match. This fed puts the “Bad” in “Bad Ass Fed”.

Postmatch, Hogan and Nash talk. Oddly, Bischoff doesn’t make an appearance.

-Meanwhile, the Dudz hit the ring and… call out Bischoff. *sigh* The Masked Man appears instead. D-von D-masks him. It’s Spike. Whoop-de-doo.

-Backstage again, Max and Lucy have a super-brief conversation. The editing here could cause more convulsions than a Pokemon marathon…

Mars vs Mars

Peterson claims this match as a “BWA First’. The first time they’re ripped off the “Fake Sting” angle, maybe… Mars Mk II controls the early going with some generic brawling. He goees Hogan-esque with a Big Boot and Legdrop for 2. Punchkickpunch. A suplex reversal sequence ends with Mars (The Original Version) hitting the Mars effect on the second try for 3. 1/2* What is this, Short Attention Span Theatre?

-JR presides over a minutes silence for the late Pimp Daddy Flex. This being BAF, it’s more like fifteen seconds of silence.

-The Burier heads to the ring for some brief verbalisation. (“Brief” is a relative term, though. After all, his speil is almost as long as the Hell in a Cell match.)

Titan & Ash (W/ Big Poppa Potts) vs Hatred and Sub-0

That’s “Sub-Zero”, not “Subbo”, by the way. Ash goes to an armbar on him from the lock-up, Sub-0 uses a demented looking counter off the ropes. Ash dropkicks Sub-0s knee and works the leg. FIGURE-FOUR OF INSIDIOUS AGONY right off the bat, Titan adds some Heel Leverage. The ref breaks the hold so Ash tags out. Titan lures Sub-0s partner in, risking getting arrested for inciting Hatred. (*rimshot*) Doomsday Device on Sub-0 gets 2. He bails and hotshots Titan, then makes an instantaneous recovery, hitting the Chill Factor for a double KO. Hot(ish) tag to Hatred, who gives Ash the Hate Bomb. Outkast and Duron make a joint run-in, followed by Cosmo and Madrox. Potts also comes in as the match devolves into a chaotic brawl. The brawl then devolves into outright farce with the arrival of a Masked Mean Gene and an Evil Clown. Who’s actually the Not-Quite-So-Late Pimp Daddy Flex. Stuff happens, I get a beer. Wait, there was a match in there somewhere, right? Call it *1/4, tops.

-Backstage, Deewayne Reed rants on behalf of BAF Champion, Brock Lesnar. I’m still not sure if “Deewayne” was a typo on the video box or not.

Brock Lesnar vs The Burier vs Joker vs Rae Million (BAW Title Match)

Brock scatters his challengers like ninepins from the bell. The nights theme re-asserts itself as a confused brawl breaks out. Eventually, all three gang up on Brock… for about three seconds. They pair off, with The Burier trying to cripple Joker by tossing him head-first into the buckles like a javelin. Brock German suplexes him, bumping the ref. (Less than three minutes in, I might add.) Joker chairshots people at random, Brock punts it back in his face. Double backdrop sends him into orbit, Bruiser lands the “Highway to Hell” superplex to the floor n Brock. Joker and Rae now brawl in the ring as Brock and Burier do likewise on the floor. Rae lands more moves on Joker than the rest of the matches so far could muster, but the ref is still out. So we get a run-in from Cade Legend. He takes out both Brock and Burier, allowing Rae Million to pin everyone in sequence and take the title. -* Short, though dripping with abject stupidity.

-Finally, Bisch and the nWo stroll out to lay a beatdown on Tooya. Apollo saunters out to tease the save, then (SWERVE!) join in the stomping. And we’re done.

The Bottom Line: Well, it was pretty bad. And several matches sucked a load of ass. And it’s probably within the definition of a “federation”. Apart from that, you get what you pay for. Xenomorph picked this tape up for $1.49… but personally I think he was overcharged.

Recommendation to Avoid.