The “Not” Keith Rant For BSCW Ragnarok Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s “Ragnarok”

Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling has featured on The Schmucks several times. Since the last Rant, however, the company has undergone some major organisational changes and lost their regular TV spot. However, the company continues to tour and put out a monthly PPV. And so, I took a gamble and plunked down my hard-earned cash for their latest offering… “Ragnarok”. (The Norse equivalent of the Apocolypse. Let’s hope that’s not an omen…)

-We are live from Dartmouth, Massachusetts. Matt Heath and Bill Withonel are in the booth as usual. Ten-bell salute for the World Trade Center victims to start the show. Classy touch.

-Hanibal Carver and Odin Trollslayer arrive at ringside to do some Gertner-esque taunting of the fans. They also talk a little smack about Simply Irresistable, who have a Loser Leaves Town Match tonight.

“The Icon Killer” Matt O’Riordan vs Richard “The Truck” Harris vs Dan “King Kill” Owens vs Whiskey Jakk (w/Fantasy)

This is for #1 contendership to the hardcore title. (And possibly, the Battle For Supremecy Of The Long, Unweildy Nicknames) Harris and O’Riordan start brawling before the other two have even been announced, with Harris choking down O’Riordan. Owens hits the ring, chopblocks Harris and hits the “Kitchen Sink” on O’Riordan. Snap suplex on O’riordan, Harris hits a big Trucking clothesline on Owens as Jakk joins the fray. He sides with O’Riordan and it’s BONZO GONZO early. Double brainbuster on Harris, Owens gives the Impromtu Alliance a 2-for-the-price-of-1 ballshot and a double reverse DDT. Owens locks in a bizzare Reverse Figure-Four on O’Riordan, leaving himself easy prey for Harris who rings his bell and gives him a Big Boot. Jakk prevents the Truckamania legdrop by clothesling Harris to the floor. And the wrestling world utters a collective sigh of relief. Then O’Riordan hits the legdrop… and does the Hulk Posedown. INSTANT heel reaction, right there. Especially from me for bringing back Orange Goblin memories… Owens hits a release German with a non-PC sambo suplex chaser on O’Riordan. Things go from bad to worse for Owens as Jakk and Harris team up to beat him down. Jakk sends Harris after O’Riordan who obliges happily with a huge powerbomb. Jakk abrubtly turns on Harris, Owens saves the Truck with a superkick. He spinebusts Harris, but misses a second and is stungunned. O’Riordan dropkicks Harris into the corner and enziguris Owens. He stops to pose, allowing Harris to gorilla press him. He tosses O’Riordan at Jakk, gifting him a 2-count. Jakk is not pleased, understandably. (Maybe he smells what the Truck was cooking?) Five-alarm slugfest breaks out, clothesline and big splash get 2 for Harris before Owens dropkicks to break the count. Double-arm DDT from Owens, he falls prey to a double legsweep from O’Riordan and Jakk. Jakk goes up as Owens’ legsweeps O’Riordan and follows. They fight on the buckle until a slightly-gimmicky Super Samoan Drop drills Owens into the canvas. O’Riordan blindsides Harris and nails the Lights Out, then revives Jakk to point this out. (What an ass-kisser…) Jakk approves, but of course, backstabs O’Riordan, hitting his “Bamboozled” finisher on him for the pin. *** Hot opener that didn’t overstay it’s welcome. (As it was starting to get slightly ragged near the end…) And watching O’Riordan and Harris fighting for Jakks approval like schoolboys with a crush on the teacher was amusing, too…

Simply Irresistable (“Hot Shit” Rick Sturgis and “The Ebony God” Eric Williams) vs Debonair (Tyson Bryson and “Hollywood” Matt James) vs The Q’s (Quincy LaCroix and “King of Submission” Quinn Charbonneau)

No holding back on lengthy nicknames in this fed, huh? Harris, Jakk and Fantasy are all back at ringside to support their stablemates. The Q’s hit the ring last, and all hell breaks loose in a heartbeat. James and Sturgis take belt shots, The Q’s are suplexed into the ring from the apron, and the Tyson and Williams Clothesline each other for 6 KO’s in sixteen seconds. Neat spot. Note to the BSCW fans… B-S-C-Dub really doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as… well, you know… Sturgis is vertical first. He sends Bryson to the ropes, Bryson catches him with a spinning heel kick for a .08-count. Sturgis sweeps Brysons legs out from under him and applies a side headlock. LaCroix takes the opportunity to baseball slide into Sturgis’ crotch. (Making him an honorary Soprano? Ahhh, fuggeddaboutit…) James and Bryson nails LaCriox with a spiked piledriver, only to take a double bulldog from Charbonneau. The ref starts to get people out of the ring. (Just as I was readying the term “Clusterfuck”, too… BSCW’s timing is ON tonight…) James batters Williams into the corner, prompting Sturgis to call Harris in. He complies only briefly, possibly teasing a break-up or a swerve. Time will tell… Quinn hits a teardrop suplex on Williams and mulekicks James to avoid a full nelson. He snapmares James and tags in LaCroix, who dropkicks the defenceless James in the back of his melon. He swings and misses Williams, who busts out an impressive slingshot backbreaker drop. Sturgis tags in, nailing a springboard legdrop on LaCroix. Simply Irresistable hit “The Ego Trip” on LaCroix for 2. James comes out of nowhere to bodypress Sturgis for 2. Standing moonsault gets 2 more. Sturgis jawjacks James, who wipes out the ref on his oversold recoil. The BSCW fans, smart marks to a man, chant “Ref Bump!” in a funny moment. Cue the mammoth brawl as Sturgis hits two-thirds of the Sexysault on LaCroix. The “Don’t Hate Us Because We’re Beautiful” is interrupted by (SWERVE!) Harris, who catches Sturgis on the top rope for AHHHHHHHH the chokeslam. (The commentators add the “Ahhhhhhh” as Sturgis destroys their table on the way down…) The Q’s hit the “Total Elimination” on Williams, prompting Whiskey Jakk into the ring. (Right, NOW it’s an offical clusterfuck…) He takes out Quinn as Debonair set up the Hart Attack. LaCroix catches Bryson and hits a Quinninoku Driver, but is given “The Dirtnap” by James. Bryson pins Williams to give Simply Irresistable the boot from BSCW. Had the potential for a big, confused schmozz, but the impeccable timing and tight pacing made for a memorable match. ***3/4

-Postmatch, Harris reveals his “Greed” T-shirt. His membership of the stable ends thirty seconds later as he chokeslams both of Debonair and shreds the T-shirt. Indecisive, aint he?

-Backstage, Carver and Trollslayer jump Simply Irresistable. With help from Harris, Sturgis and Williams are given the bums’ rush from the arena.

Shrapnel vs Sykopath (Hardcore Title Match)

We get an intro to the match with some Apocolyptic (and slightly overwrought) on-screen poetry. Sykopath sneaks into Shrapnels locker room and chairshots him to get things started with a bang. Spinning superkick and a drop toehold onto the chair from Sykopath, followed by an Arabian Guillotine. He grabs a mango(?) from the snack table as a weapon, (I would have chosen a really spikey pinapple, personally…) Shrapnel dropkicks him. Sykopath blocks a DDT and T-bones Shrapnel onto the table, which doesn’t break. Maybe it’s the smark in me, but Withonels chant of “Blown Spot” cracks me up… Axe Kick, Shrapnel is dumped on the table. Sykopath climbs onto a convenient ledge and puts himself through the table as he misses a 180 legdrop. Serious Ouch. Shrapnel bulldogs him and sets up the “No Mans Land”. Sykopath shows incredible agility by head scissoring Shrapnel to escape the full nelson, practically twisting himself in knots in the process. Shrapnel ducks the CITRUSY FRUIT OF ZESTY DEATH that Sykopath throws at him. Drop toeholds puts Sykopath through the remains of the table. Shrapnel finds a case of beer and beats on Sykopath with a can of Fosters. (It’s Australian for Hardcore, you know…) Back suplex from Shrapnel, who drags Sykopath to a set of doors. Sykopath kicks them back in his face and they brawl back to the arena. (Sykopath stops en route for the CULINARY WEAPONS OF DOOM from a concession stand… including an entire rottisserie chicken AND a microwave!) Shrapnel gives Sykopath the ol’ Frying Pan In The Kisser and tries to dump the microwave on him. Doubly cringe-inducing spots as Sykopath rolls away, DDT’s Shrapnel on the microwave, then adds an AngleSlam onto it for kicks. He uses the CHEESE GRATER OF BLOODY DEATH and then spikes the ball with a salt shaker. (Does this make Shrapnel a well-seasoned hardcore wrestler? *rimshot*) The ring crew has been busy, setting up tables all over the place, including a gimmicky stack three high. Sykopath doesn’t waste time, putting Shrapnel through the triple tables with a Syko-KrushR off the apron. After a brief sell, Sykopath revives to find trash cans full of weapons. I think we’re offically Over The Top as of now. Shrapnel takes some can shots before DDT-ing Skyopath onto one and going Kendo Krazy. Brutal double kendo stick shot breaks both sticks in half on Sykopaths head. Shrapnel stuffs him inside a trash can and gives him a springboard guillotine legdrop as they finally make it inside the ring. That’s when the Cell(!!!) starts to lower around them. Classic bit as they show the ref.. he’s outside the ring calling pinfalls through a megaphone. Sensible lad… Out comes tons more trash, including *shudder* barbed wire and a strait jacket.(!) Sykopath goes wild with a trash can, stopping only to wire-wrap a kendo stick. He brings in SIX tables, setting one up is immediately put through one with Shrapnels’ “No Man’s Land”. It gets 2. Matt Heath calls dibs on the Cruel Hand of Irony before I do, as Shrapnel sets up a table in the corner, then gets speared through it. Sykopath says “Aw, the Hell with it!” and sets up all four remaining tables. They fight over a German suplex, Sykopath eventually takes the table bump. Shrapnel works the arm briefly, then uses the strait jacket to choke out Sykopath. Sykopath fights back, and a Cruifix powerbomb takes out another table. Sykopath takes a moment to wrap his leg in barb wire. He hits a triple-jump moonsault legdrop on Shrapnel, elevating the insanity factor to “Attending a Slipknot Concert, High On Crack and Wearing an N’Sync T-Shirt” levels. Shrapnel ups the ante even more by writing obscene messages on Sykopaths face with his own blood(!!) as he works him over with a chair. Sykopath lowblows and sets up a superbomb, reversed into a facebuster through a table by Shrapnel. He sets up a a ladder and dives onto Sykopath… who spears him in mid-flight. They trade tired-looking chairswings until Sykopath hits the “Mental Illness”, then nails the Sykotik DDT onto the chair for the pin to retain. Unbelievably insane brawl that strove to be the ultimate in over-the-top garbage wrestling. And they nearly made it, too. ****1/4 (After a minor deduction for bringing out a roast chicken and then not using it. Still, hardly a “poultry” effort! *rimshot*)

-Outside, “Truck” Harris has a brewski and fields a phonecall from Parts Unkown.

-Also backstage, Brian Stephens interviews Boz about his upcoming match.

Hell on Earth (Blacktop & The Rebel) vs B.O.D (Boz & Ninja)

Blacktop does an Underbiker on his Harley, The Rebel does an Edge-like crowd entrance. A Fake Ninja enters, allowing the real Ninja to backjump The Rebel with a kendo stick. The Rebel decides to call “Hell On Earth” rules… read: No Rules. They still go one-on-one to start, with Ninja rolling through a crossbody to get an early one-count on The Rebel. Ninja pummels Rebel and hits the Spearhand, but gets a shot below the belt. Hot tag (called as much by the Smark-dominated crowd) to Blacktop, Clothesline From Heck. Ninja reverses a whip and takes down Blacktop, floating nicely into an Ankle Lock. Blacktop makes the ropes, Boz tags in and simply boots Blacktop in the nuts repeatedly. Crude, though effective. Ninja brings out a table, (Yes, Sykopath and Shrapnel missed a few…) Blacktop is superplexed through it. Ninja slugs it out with The Rebel, with Ninja being forcibly introduced to the ringsteps half a dozen times or so. Ninja blades. The Rebel sets up a pair of chairs next to the ring steps before Ninja recovers and ballshots him. Boz adds a chairshot for good measure, before Ninja legrops The Rebelthrough the chairs. The Rebel blades as well as B.O.D double-team away, Blacktop manages to save The Rebel from a piledriver on the floor, chokeslamming Boz onto the exposed concrete. Back inside, Blacktop gets caught by Ninjas’ spinning heel kick. Missile dropkick and Ninja splash, Boz covers for 2. They beat nine colors of hell out of Blacktop as the Rebel brings out a ladder, a table and a can of lighter fluid. Spot the set-up for the Most Contrived Bump of the night… The Rebel takes out B.O.D with a Ladder Lariat as Blacktop preps the FLAMING TABLE OF INCREASED INSURANCE PREMIUMS. All four men head up the ladder to brawl, with Boz taking Blacktops’ “Career Ender” at the same time as The Rebel hits the “Confederate Drop”. Boz takes the table bump, spiked by Blacktop who proceeds to gorilla press him out of the ring. Boz takes a stretcher ride as Hell on Earth drill Ninja with the “End Of The Road” for 3. ** Not as fluid as the the previous match, with an overly-gimmicky Stunt Bump.

-Outside, Justin Keith cuts a solid pre-match promo, after some odd by-play with interviewer Mike Phillabaum.

Goo vs “The Real Deal” Matt Wilson vs “Mafioso” Max C (North American Championship)

Max C cuts an in-ring interview, getting some cheap face pops by getting all patriotic. (Despite being from Ireland. Guesss even smark fans can mark out occasionally…) Wilson charges him blindly, Goo catches him with a bulldog. Twin elbowdrops score, Goo covers for 1. Wilson chops at both men and delivers a doible headbutt. He beats on Goo, monkey flipping him out of the corner. He dropkicks Goo, then turns and walks directly into a chokeslam from Max C. He misses a legdrop and takes a savate kick from Wilson. Goo breaks up the pinfall and Samoan Drops Wilson. DVD and fistdrop from Goo, Wilson gouges the eyes and takes down Goo, applying a combination half crab/arm bar. Max C Mafia kicks Wilson and belly-to-backs suplexes him. Face miscomunication sees Max C take a Goo Kick. Wilson superkicks Goo in return and works his neck in the corner. Max C recovers to lock a Cobra Clutch on Wilson, who mule kicks to escape. Wilson hits an Ace Crusher and knee lift for 2. Max hits a spinning lariat off a whip, Wilson small packages him for 2. wilson tries to work the leg, Goo hits a neckbreaker on him, selling his own neck injury in the process. Wilson works the neck again, Max C suddenly hits the Mafia Shot and sets up the “Offer You Can’t Refuse”. Wilson fights out, then does the 360 oversell off a clothesline. (Max is a hoss, I should add…) Max tries for the “Offer” again, Wilson manages to hook the ropes with his feet and eyegouges to escape. He hits an axe kick and heads up, missing the Air Wilson by a mile as Max rolls away. Third time lucky for Max as he nails the “Offer” and gets the pinfall and the title. *3/4 It was there…

-Postmatch, Wilson throws a tantrum and beats on Goo with a chair until Max C agrees to a rematch, anyplace, anytime. Wilson blindsides him with the chair, beats him senseless and calls for the bell. (Obviously taking Max very, VERY literaly!) And so we have;

Max C vs Matt wilson

Matt stomps the holy hell out of Max C, hits the Eclipse and pins. Nice twist, but I don’t think that one needs a rating, am I right?

-Post.. uh.. match… Damien Payne helps Max C to the back, before “Hot Shit” Rick Sturgis re-appears. The lights go out as the sound crew suddenly starts playing “Theme Music Roulette”. Eventually, Million Dollar Dragon hits the ring and beats the crap out of Goo, just to be a prick.

“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) vs Justin Keith (No Relation) (BSCW Title Match)

They hit a nice wrestling sequence from the bell, ending with Irvin flipping onto his feet from a backdrop and jawjacking Keith. They reverse a waistlock multiple times until Irvin lnads a Reverse Deacon Drop. (Squishing Keiths’ ‘nads in the process. Ow.) Sunset flip of the top gets 2 for Irvin, before Keith rolls sweetly into a slingshot that bounces Irvin off the buckle. Back-to-back Northern Lights suplexes from keith, Irvin blocks a spinbuster with a Greco-Roman Knee In The Nuts for 2. Keith evades the Deadly Plex, with a firemans’ carry into a Dragon sleeper. nice spot as Irvin tries to kick his way out, only to put himself in perfect position for a piledriver. It gets 2. They trade missed clotheslines, Irvin locks in the Cobra Clutch. (Which seems to be having a major revival at the moment…) He segues into the “One and Only” for 2. He continues the assault on Keiths gonads by crotching him on the ringpost and locking in a ringpost figure-four. He nails a top rope bulldog for 2. (Unlike Rick Steiner, not injuring Keith in the process…) Keith hits a spear and applies a surfboard. Fantasy drags Irvin to the ropes, prompting Keith to chase her. Irvin blows some sort of springboard move and they brawl on the floor. Back inside, Keith is stungunned on a blind charge. Irvin hits an odd springboard something-or-other for 2. Keith blocks the Detonation and goes up for the Blockbuster Surprise. And Misses. (Surprise!!) Irvin snaps off a Northern Lights and senton legdrop for 2. Irvin heads up and wipes himself out as he misses the Detonation. They switch between attempted moves until Irvin takes “Keith’s Deadly Surprise” for 2 and a half. Irvin slips out of the “Lost Marbles”, hits a release Northern Lights and finally lands the Detonation. He goes back up instead of covering, allowing Keith to get some revenge for his brusied testicles by crotching Irvin on the top buckle. They brawl on the top rop, Keith manages to hit the “Deadly Surprise” off the top to win his 3rdBSCW title. *** No gimmicky bumps, no run-ins, just good, solid wrestling. (Even if Irvin, in my opinion one of the best lightweight wrestlers active today, did seem to rely too heavily on the Northern Lights suplex.)

-Postmatch, Irvin calls in the troops and Greed hits the ring to punk out Keith. “Truck” Harris and The Q’s make the save, leading to a brief six-man brawl. Keith has the last word, putting Tyson Bryson through a sheet of glass as we go off air.

The Bottom Line: Blood, Sweat and Chairs Lives! Despite the backstage problems they’ve suffered from, the company came through in a big way with an immaculately presented Pay-Per-View. A few average matches here and there, but overall this was probably their best effort yet, and here’s hoping for many more like it…

Highly Recommended