The “Not” Keith Rant for BWC Champion of Champions Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for BWC’s “Champion of Champions”

Oh, to be in England! What with it’s world-renowned cuisine, the warm summer rain and the room-temperature beer! Well, anyway, it’s to the British Isles we head for this installment of The Schmucks! The British Wrestling Corporation is fairly new on the scene, so let’s check them out.

-The show is their “Champion of Champions” PPV, your announcers are “BH” and Mike “The Prince” Faraday. We are live from Hampden Park in Glascow, Scotland. The crowd looks amped. (Like Rangers vs. Celtic pysched.)

Joe Bananas vs. New Age Ripper (Elevated Walkway Match)

This one is basically a scaffold match with a briefcase hanging over the ring. The announcers wonder about its contents during the intros. New Age Ripper hits the ring fast, beating down Joe and DDT-ing him. Press slam and leg-drop, Ripper heads up early. Joe drags him down, bouncing his face off the rungs en route. Ripper elbows him off and attempts a piledriver, Joe scoots between his legs to escape. Facebuster into a leg-lock from Joe. Ripper powers out, only to take a single-arm DDT. Headscissors is reversed into a powerbomb. Ripper posts Joe and drags him up to the top of the walkway. Joe has bladed. Piledriver on the top of the walkway from Ripper. A suplex is blocked, Joe hits a hurricanrana. He plays to the crowd, allowing Ripper to pop up and hit a back suplexy-looking thing off the top to the mat. Ripper spikes the ball by climbing back up for a huge swandive headbutt on Joe, who may be legally dead after that one. Ripper taunts Joe, who responds with a CROTCH KICK OF SUDDEN PARALYSIS on Ripper. Followed by a second one, only harder. Joe gets aerial, hitting a missile dropkick and a springboard legdrop. He drapes Ripper over the ladder and chokes him out. In a moment for the highlight reel, he climbs to the top of the walkway and slides down the ladder onto Ripper. Okay, Major Ouch! They up the ante as Ripper takes over, hitting a mother of a DVD on top of the walkway. They top this as Ripper spears Joe, sending both men tumbling down the ladder. Joe goes back to the well for a rana, taking another powerbomb instead. Back on the scaffold, Joe knocks down Ripper with a spinning heel kick and jumps for the briefcase, leaving himself dangling like a pinata. Ripper grabs his legs and drags him off, hitting an insane powerbomb from the top of the scaffold in the process. These guys are going to be aching in the morning… Ripper brings a scalpel into the match, Joe manages to make him drop it. He hits the “Drunken Spin Cycle” (A triple spinning front suplex) and heads up. At the top he’s within arms’ reach of the briefacase, but Ripper lies directly beneath him. Hmm.. A) Jump on him or B) Win the match? Any guesses as to which of those two options he chooses? If you chose C) Do Both, pick up your prize at the front desk. Innovative finish sees Joe moonsaulting onto Ripper, kicking the briefcase off its’ hook in the process. He retrieves the briefcase for the win. It’s full of… well, bananas. **** Unbelievably good opener… Some huge spots without going into the “Blood, Barbwire, Sledgehammer” Hardcore routine. (Doubly so for a scaffold match) Bonus points for Joes’ post-match celebrations… let’s just say if Stone Cold Steve advertised soft fruit, that’s what it would look like.

-Backstage, Loki talks smack. He says it’s time to “start the beating”… I hope that’s not some sort of sexual euphamism.

Hardcore Title Invitaional

This is either 10 men wrestling for 15 minutes, or 12 men for 10 minues… the captions don’t match up with the announcers patter. Anyhoo, Vice Prez Wez is the first man introduced. He decides to cut a promo, but is attacked by Joe Bananas and Do Cool Jay. They beat him with kendo sticks. DCJ then smacks his own partner with the BAMBOO STICK OF DOOM, DDT’s Wez and pins him for the title. The match is officially under way, so Nitro, Q-Dose and New Age Ripper hit the ring. Q-Dose bops Joe and attacks DCJ as Ripper nails the Vice-Prez with a trashcan shot. Freeze, Logan Buck, Loki and Billy Blaze also enter at this point. DCJ backdrops Nitro on the floor and hits a sweet missile dropkick off the top rope. Magaret Thatcher (??!!) appears, knocking DCJ out with her handbag. She pins, becoming the first ex-PM of England to win a major wrestling title. Inside the ring, Van Freezenator scores on Q-Dose. Freeze hits a springboard plancha on Maggie T to win the title at 4:50. Ripper tries the same tactic, with a tope suicida on Freeze. Freeze catches him, powerslamming Ripper through an announce table. (Possibly French, Welsh or Glaswegian…. “Reet ya bastard… break oor table, wiilya? Get a face fulla THIS!”) Freeze aims a chairshot at Wez, who ducks. Freeze hits the ropes, KO-ing himself on the rebound. Sleeping neckbreaker from Wez for the title at around the 6-minute mark. Joe B. tries to schoolboy him, gaining 2. Joe stumbles into Q-Dose off the kickout and is suplexed over the top, wiping out Logan Buck and Loki in the process. Nitro biffs Wez over the scone with a street-sign, then piledrives him on it to claim the belt at 7:30. James Craven makes a run-in to add to the chaos, smashing the GLASS CANDY JAR OF DEATH over Nitro, who blades. Blaze delivers the Final Judgment onto the chair and pins.

Blaze is the champ and we’ve got 5 to go. VP Wez takes a hard ride, going through a pair of tables courtesy of Loki. Logan Buck hits Blaze with the Fall From Grace and pins for the title. Ripper immediately kicks him in the tea and crumpets and pins him. Three minutes left, Joe Bananas forgets what match he’s in, climbing a scaffold to the top of the big screen. Ripper chairshots Loki, but is attacked by Q-Dose, who’s found… a sledgehammer.

And they were doing so well, too… *sigh*.

Q-Dose wins the belt from Ripper, then turns around as Joe Bananas risk s his career, dropping a plancha off the top of the ‘Tron. The ref counts the pin, as the unconcious Joe B. has a hand draped over Q-Dose. He’s in no shape to defend himself, of course, allowing an easy pin for Loki. Deciding offense is the best defense, he fights off Blaze and Buck. Loki revives and powerbombs the hapless Hardcore Champ off the stage through a table. Do Cool Jay sneaks in to pin for the belt woth 60 seconds left. Everyone has brawled out to the parking lot, where Q-Dose chairshots DCJ and hits the Overdose to win the title with 20-odd seconds left. It’s not over, however, as we get the run-in… make that the run-over. Yes, they do the Austin Vehicular Assault spot, as a car runs down Q-Dose. The driver, “Million Dollar” Matt Jackson pins Q-Dose on the hood of his car and drives off. Hmm, a sledgehammer, some nice bumps, good effort by the wrestlers and a Sports Entertainment Finish. That’s DUD+**1/2+1/2*-1/2*= **1/2 all up.

-Backstage, the Cluck is seen entering the arena. Ooo-kay.

Kurang Vs. Vinnie ‘The Gunnar’ Rodregas Vs. X-Fear Vs. ‘The Dynasty’ Zu Huang (Commenwealth Title Match)

Ouch, check out those names. Best of luck to the announers in pronouncing those right… X-Fear is the former CEO of this federation, so all three men kick the crap out of him right away. Payback’s a bitch, huh? They even pull a triple-team, as Kurang splashes him off the top after a double suplex. Huang superkicks Rodriguez and uses some OSAKA VIOLENCE on him. Kurang uses a neckbreaker on the X-Boss, then pins after a double-arm backbreaker. Huang breaks it up at one. Huang and Kurang duke it out, Rodriguez hits a surprise atomic drop on Huang. Double whip sends Huang and X-Fear into each other, Rodriguez slams Huang out to the floor. (Insert “Wham, Bam, Thank You, Huang” gag here…) X-Fear suddenly comes alive, hitting a beautiful somersault bodyblock off the top buckle onto Kurang. Huang and rodriguez brawl on the outside, wiping out the announce table after a Huang hurricanrana. Inside the ring, Kurang hits the (Wait for it) Kurangarana and sets up for the (This is even better) Kurangobang. Then he changes his mind, hitting Huang with a flying facebuster off the top. Huang blades as Rodriguez and Kurang brawl on the outside. Huang and Kurang head back inside as a Mysterious Man runs-in. He ballshots Kurang and tombstones him from the second buckle, allowing Huang to pin for the title. *2/3 The match was sailing along nicely, before the abrubt, unsatisfying finish. The Mystery Man proceeds to beat the new champion down post-match.

-Backstage Spectre cuts a better-than-average pre-match promo.

Anders Nova vs. “Beast” Solomon (TV Title match)

Dual fan favourites in this one, although Faraday predicts a heel turn from someone. Badmouthing and slugfest kicks things off before the match quickly spills out to the floor. A nice sequence results as Nova bounces from floor to steps to railing off a whip. They return to the ring, Solomon easily wins a Greco-Roman knucklelock. Nova fights back, backing up the ropes and hitting a nice hurricanrana. Spinning heel kick, Solomon won’t go down. Superkick, he’s still up. Nova finally takes him down with a leg lariat. Missile dropkick gets 2. Hip toss for 2 more. Solomon catches Nova as he attempts an elbow off the top and hits a belly-to-belly for 2 and a bit. Great flow to the match thus far. Solomon with a series of clotheslines, the last one sending him to the floor. They brawl on the floor, Nova bounces Solomons head off the apron. He DDT’s Solomon on the steps and dumps him over the internet table. Asai moonsault, Solomons rolls off and Nova takes a dive through the pressboard. Solomon rolls him in and covers for 2 before Nova gets a foot on the bottom strand. Solomon pummels Nova and gets 2 off a belly-to-belly. Powerslam and headbutt from the middle rope gets 2. Small package gets 2 for Nova. Solomon rams him into the corner for the TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM! He stops to pose, Nova takes a step forward and stunguns him on the turnbuckle. Solomon tries to dump Nova out, he lands on the apron, stungunning him again. Nova hits Solomon with everything but the kitchen sink, getting 2 off an atomic drop/bulldog/shooting star press sequence. He works the arm, Solomon powers out and no-sells a clothesline. He hits a stiff spinebuster for 2.999! Samoan drop is countered with a crucifix for 2 by Nova. Solomon tries the Maul, Nova reverses into the Novacaine. They tease the tap, Solomon makes the ropes. Nova drags him back to the center, so Solomon mule-kicks him to escape. Nova hits a powerbomb, then hauls him up for a second, getting a 2-count. Nova superkicks Solomon, who no-sells and ducks a second which KO’s the ref. Nova applies the Novacaine, Solomon passes out. Nova raises the arm 3 times, but there’s no ref. He then pins and counts his own 3. He rolls out to rouse the ref as Q-Dose and Kurag arrive. They bring chairs into the ring, then (SWERVE!) turn on Nova, justifying The Princes’ heel-turn prediction. The heels beat Nova sensless before Solomon Mauls him onto a chair and pins for the title. This is usually where I bemoan the lack of a clean finish, but in all honesty, I can’t! This could set up a red-hot feud for the belt, and the heat for the heel turn was incredible. Besides, the match flowed like melted butter, the pacing was super-tight and both men worked their asses off to put each other over. ***** (No, that’s not a misprint. Awesome match.)

-Backstage, Matthew Boucher interviews The Cluck. He claims to have healed from a fractured skull suffered five weeks ago. Well, in the world of Sports Entertainment, that’s more than long enough…

-Backstage, Spectre beats nine colours of hell out of Cris Linay right before their main event match. Timing is everything!

Chris “The Main Event” Linay vs. Spectre (British Heavyweight Title Match)

The Cluck heads down to join the commentary team before the intros. Big stall-and-staredown, Spectre snaps first. Some bona-fide CANADIAN VIOLENCE ensues, Linay holds on to a whip, DDT-ing Spectre for 2. They brawl, Spectre uses a firemans carry takedown and kneedrops him for 2. Legdrop misses, they fight to the floor. Spectre takes a ride into the steps. He fakes a knee injury, suckering Linay into a drop toehold into the post. Back inside, they chew each other out. The fists are soon flying once more, Linay opens up with a series of stiff martial arts kicks. Brief mat-wrestling sequnce ends with a kick in the Crown Jewels by Spectre. He hits the Drop-Out for 2. Sleeper hold is applied, with The Cluck gleefully breaking kayfabe as Linay Hulks up. He powers out and locks in the Cucifix. Spectre breaks with difficulty. They head back outside, where Linay gets in The Clucks face. Spectre clotheslines the distracted Linay onto the announce table and applies the Crucifix himself. The ref tries to get both men back inside, allowing Linay to hit the Drop-Out on Spectre, demolishing the announcers table for the second time tonight. The Cluck cheapshots Linay and rolls both men back inside. Linay returns to the floor for a chair, so The Cluck chases him inside. The Cluck and Spectre double-team Linay, with The Cluck delivering half-a-dozen chairshots. The referee allows this… It wasn’t announced as no-DQ, but I guess it is now. Spectre finally tires of The Cluck stealing his limelight and pushes him away. The Cluck chairshots him, Spectre falls onto Linay, the ref counts the three and that’s all she wrote. *1/2 Nothing main event, especially after the killer TV Title match.

-Postmatch, The Cluck heads backstage as the BWC president is announced for the first time. It’s The Cluck, of course. He returns to the boos of the crowd, cuts a brief heel promo and we’re done.

The Bottom Line: A number of matches were ambushed by the Sports Entertainment Finish after showing plenty of potential. The high-points though, made this show. Any card with two matches above 4-stars is worth a rental. This federation can only get better with time.

Highly Recommended.