The “Not” Keith Rant for CeWA Canadian Chaos Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for “CeWA’s Canadian Chaos”

Welcome back, my little Schmucksters… Now, for the Americanos in attendance… it’s time to head North-of-Your-Border… for an entire card of CANADIAN VIOLENCE! From Xenomorphs collection, we’ll check out the CeWA’s CANADIAN CHAOS!

-We are LIVE from Vancouver, Dramatic Pause, Canada. Your hosts are Fred Simpson and Howard Freestone. Xenomorphs tape includes a lengthy pre-game show with video packages detailing the match-ups. Handy.

Scotty Sorrow (w/Connie) vs Razor (Submissions match)

Connie is actually Razors fiancee, but Sorrow has kidnapped her. She’s being forced to wear an dog collar, and is handcuffed to a chair at ringside. (Okay, too much Bondage… more Discipline!). Scotty takes it to Razor once he slides in, clotheslining him and hitting the Cactus Knee in the corner. Scotty fights out with closed fists and a scoop slam. They lock up, leapfrog sequence to hip-toss by Razor. Scotty explodes off the mat and spears Razor. Anklelock is applied, Razor makes the ropes. Snap suplex, Razor ducks a kick and applies an armbar. Belly-to-belly and asai moonsault, Razor covers. Pinfalls count for nothing, of course. Scotty wins a brief brawl and hits a rana. Super Sorrow Spear from the top and Sorrow Splash as Connie miraculaously escapes her handcuffs. Sorrow Stopper, (I’m sensing a pattern developing…) Scotty notices Connie and poses as Razor hulks up. His clothesline is ducked and he’s dropped with a standing drop-kick. Sorrow applies the Sorrow Snap. Razor makes the desperate crawl to the ropes, snagging them on the second attempt. Scotty yells at the ref, allowing Razor to recover and hit a floatover DDT. Razor Plant and he locks in the Razor Burn. (aka the Walls of Ontario) Scotty nearly makes the ropes, so Razor drags him back into the center. Scotty finally taps out. **1/2 Good opener that hit all the right buttons. Still can’t figure out how Connie escaped the cuffs… maybe she’s just very flexible?

Backstage TV Champion Andrew McDonald cuts a promo. President Taylor arrives and plays “Hey, I’m just one of the boys” with Andrew.

Matt “Lightning” Bolt vs. Brett “Blood” Rose (World Title Semifinal)

Rose is beaned with a beer on the way to ringside. He proceeds to drag the fan out of the crowd. Bolt makes the save and the brawl is on. Bolt boots Rose in the gut and rolls him into the ring. Standing drop-kick and spear, Bolt gives Rose 20 closed fists in the corner. He Flair Flops. Suplex from Bolt keeps Rose bumping like a rubber ball. Rose climbs the turnbuckle, possibly to escape. Bolt simply shoves him off the top, sending him through the timekeepers table. Rose blades. (Well, actually he pops a blood capsule… either that or he’s suffering aterial bleding…) Bolt hits a two-footed stomp off the top. Elbowdrop in the ring is severly oversold by Rose. Clothesline, Rose tries a lowblow, but THAT little offensive flurry is blocked. Greco-Roman kick in the face gets 2. Bolt continues to Kill Rose with three consecutive DDT’s. Boston crab is applied, Rose bumps the ref. He taps, but the ref is out. Rose produces a handful of “Heel Powder” and throws it in Bolts’ face. Bolt sells this for less than five seconds before powerbombing Rose for 2. Moonsault, Bolt sets up the Thunderstorm. Rose reverses into “The Blood Clot” and puts Bolt out for the win. *1/2 So they try to give a world title contender heat by having Bolt beat 98 colors of hell out of him? Right-o…

Claw Richens vs. “The Cavaliar” Tom Knight (w/Guinevere)

This is the second semi-final match. Sporting handshake to start, before Richens plays heel and clotheslines Knight from behind. Release German, Knight lands on his feet and a quick roll-up gets 2. They fight over armdrags, before Knight hits a legsweep. He misses an enziguri and they mat-wrestle. Kight is back body-dropped to the apron, he races up for a missile drop-kick for 2. Nice snappy stuff from these two. Claw reverses a whip and clotheslines Knight to the floor. They brawl on the floor, with Knight taking some free trips to Ringpostland. Messy-looking sequence inside the ring results in a sunset flip for 2 by Knight. Cross-body gets 2 for Richens. Brett Rose wanders back to ringside and trips Knight. Knight rolls and and attacks Rose. Richens blows a plancha onto both, nearly killing himself on the railing. Rose bails as Richens and Knight return to the ring. Knight hits a backbreaker, then the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF MASSIVE DISCOMFORT. (Believe it or not, this is Knights finisher, the “Sword In The Stone”.) Claw passes out from hold (Wuss!) leaving Knight to advance. *1/4 Good start, but it just trailed off into a mess.

-Rizzo arrives at ringside to bait the fans. Backstage, Rose is reported to have attacked Tom Knight. Knight now wants the final match to be under Last Man Standing rules.

Andrew McDonald vs Mo’Bad (2/3 falls TV Title match)

We hit the headlock right off the bat. Leapfrog sequence, cross-body gets 1 for MacDonald. Drop toehold into STF. Mo reaches the ropes and bails. Fly axe-handle misses as MacDonald becomes the third man to maim himself on the guardrail tonight. Texas Cloverleaf from Mo. Andrew powers out and reverses it. Mo squirms free. Kick to the jaw drops MacDonald. Mo showboats. MacDonald is faking, and a roll-up gets 2. Albertbomb and swanton follow, before MacDonald sets up for his “9-1-1″ reverse DDT. Mo flips over and hits a reverse DDT of his own. He heads out for a chair. The ref tries to take it and gets shoved down. Mo places the chair on MacDonalds face and heads up for a moonsault. MacDonald moves, and Mo lands on the chair. He rolls out. MacDonald follws and chairshots him. The ref takes the chair, allowing Mo to lowblow MacDonald. Mo rolls in and hits a corkscrew plancha. He brings MacDonald back in for a 2-count before Maconald gets a foot to the ropes. Mo tries to use the belt, MacDonald ducks and hits the 9-1-1 for the pin and the first fall.

Fall Two is under First Blood rules. MacDonald pummels Mo and gets a table. He sets is up in the corner. Mo reverses a whip, and hits a Dragon Suplex to send MacDonald through the woodwork. They head outside and brawl through the fans to a merchandise booth. Much choking and punching. Mo returns for a little color commentary, (Now where have I seen THAT before? At least he didn’t sing “Smackdown Hotel”…) before the brawling continues. MacDonald T-bones Mo from the English table through the French table. The ref prevents Mconald using the monitor. Mo’s use of a camera is allowed, however. He entangles MacDonald with a cable and chairshots him several times. MacDonald blades, second fall to Mo.

Final fall is last man standing. Mo walks back to the locker room as EMT’s attend MacDonald. He returns with a ladder. Powerbomb is reversed into a hurricanrana into the ladder. The ref is bumped. Mo hits a guillotine legdrop with MacDonald beneath the ladder. Mo heads out and sets up two tables between the apron and guardrail. He places MacDonald on the tables and climbs the ladder in the ring. President Taylor arrives with a Rent-a-cop in tow. Security rescues MacDonald as Taylor shoves Mo off the ladder. Dual table beakage results. The ref is revived and counts the 3 for MacDonald to retain. ** Just tried to be too many things at once for me. Slightly rushed feel as well…

-Backstage, two interviewers compete for a chat with Brett Rose.

-Video package of the Superbeasts/Power and Glory feud.

Superbeasts (Jaye Doyle and Quezzy) vs Power and Glory (Brad and Paddy) (Tag Title Match)

The Superbeasts rip on Hogan/Savage with their ring attire and entrance music. You see why I love Canada? Quezzy hits a shoulderblock and backbody drop on Brad. He plays to the crowd, allowing a quick tag. Paddy hits a slam and drop-kick on Quezzy Morton. Brad is tagged in, double elbow and snap suplex for 2. Brad drops his head and is DDT-ed. Lukewarm tag to Jaye who does a quick Savage impression. Northern lights suplex and backbreaker, Quezzy tags back in. Double backdrop and piledriver. (Well, he’s now officialy used more moves than Hogan has in the last 5 years. Actually, Hogan used more moves in five minutes of “Rocky III” than he did in the last five years.) Powerslam from Brad, he crawls to his corner. Tepid tag to Paddy, tilt-a-whirl and superkick score. Standing moonsault for 2. Top rope sunset flip for 2. He hits a powerbomb and tags Brad back in. Frog splash for 2. Brad hits the sleeper. The arm drops twice before Quezzy… I dread to say it… Hulks up. He no-sells some punches, (Ah, THERE’s the Hogan we know and love…) and tags in Jaye. He cleans house and heads up. Quezzy hits the big boot and legdrop on Paddy at the same time as the flying elbow hits. Dual cover retains for the Superbeasts. * Freestone called it a “mockery”… I tend to agree. Been there, seen that…

Brett Rose vs Tom Knight (World Title Tournament Final: Last Man Standing)

Before the match we get an incredibly lengthy video package of Rose and Knights’ history. Suddenly, the whole “tournament” thing seems a little bogus. Make that a LOT bogus… “Blood” Rose lives up to his nickname, popping a blood capsule on the way to the ring. Now, THAT’S premature! We get the traditional stare-down-to-brawl prevalent in all the classic main events. Knight becomes Sir Punchalot, then hits a cross-body. Rose returns the favour with fist-a flying. Knight hits a drop-toehold. Elbow-drop and springboard moonsault from Knight. He works the arm. Rose rises at 4. (This is obviously a different Last Man Standing match than the pinfalls-counting one in the TV title match earlier.) Springboard drop-kick and baseball slide send Rose to the floor. Cactus elbow, the ref begins the count. Both are up at 7. Rose lowblows Knight. Suplex, and the classic bootrake to the eyes. Knight is whipped into the steps. Rose (Who’s now offically lost more blood than the entire NJPW roster has in their collective bodies) sets him up for a powerbomb. Knight reverses to a step-top facejam. Knight is up at 5, Rose at 9. Bulldog gets a 6-count. Knight clotheslines Rose down for 7. Blind charge runs Knight into the ringpost. Rose hits a sidewalk slam and works the knee. He chases Guinvere around the ring, running into a spear. Kight becomes the 4th victim of the GUARDRAIL OF DOOM, smashing into it on a pescado attempt. Rose brings him in and hits Knights own “Excalibur” top-rope clothesline move against him. It gets 7. Rose leg-drops Knight, then drapes him over the middle rope and does it again. Nasty. Frog splash misses, Knight responds with a low drop-kick. Backdrop and standing moonsault, Knight applies the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF… wait, I already did this one… Rose submits, but it doesn’t count in Last Man Standing matches. Thumb to the eye to break. Knight continues to dominate until a moonsault meets the upraised boot. Rose slingshots Knight clear over the top rope to the floor in a nice spot. He exposes the concrete and tries a suplex. Knight reverses into a face-first suplex onto the floor. Rose is up at 9 and has bladed legit. Knight hits a belly-to-back on the floor for a 7-count. Whip reversals see BOTH men into the guardrail. Into the crowd we go. They brawl back to ringside, double KO afterRose goes into the steps. Up at 5, Rose tries to run, Knight persues. Back in the ring, Knight chokes Rose and gets the count-along 10 punches in the corner. Russian legsweep gets 6. Knight applies a figure-four leglock and uses the ropes. Rose manages to roll over to reverse the hold and force the break. Rose works the knee, but a blind charge sees him take a belly-to-belly that dumps him face-first on the buckle. Mokeyflip and a series of elbows score, Knight goes up for the Excalibur. Rose ducks, Knight eats the canvas for 4. Rose locks in the Blood Clot, Knight immediately hits a jawjacker to escape. Both men up at 6, leapfrog sequence, Rose drops the head and takes an double underhook suplex. Drop-kick off the middle buckle gets 5. Knight pummels Rose and tries to take off his mask. Rose goes completely Shamrock at this, powerbombing Kinght out of the corner. Knight makes it up at 9.25. To the outside, Guinivere steps between the two. Rose chases her, slapping her to the floor. Knight rolls in and hits a nice suicide dive through the ropes onto the distracted Rose. He beats him down. It gets 6. Rose shoulderblocks the irate Knight and catapults him into the ringpost for 7. (And a quick bladejob) Rose runs into a drop toehold on the floor for 6. They return to the ring, Rose hits a neckbreaker. He returns to the knee, which Knight sells beautifully. (Pyschology!) Knight hits an enziguri to send Rose outside once more, then hits a cross-body off the top. Rose ducks a punch and piledrives Knight on the floor. Rose celebrates, but Knight is up at 9.75! They brawl to the one remaining announcers table, (No Spanish announcers north of the border, eh?) Knight deposits Rose onto it. Top-rope elbowdrop puts both men through the table. They’re both up at 9. Knight crawls back in, but Rose has secreted a 2×4 under the ring. He smashes Knight across the knee. It gets 6. Rose breaks the board across Knights back, which gets 8. He locks on the Blood Clot. The arm drops three times, but Rose maintains the hold for a full minute, then dumps Knight and waits for the count. Knight makes it up at 9.95! Rose entagles Knight in the ropes and tells (heel announcer) Freestone to throw him a chair. Guinevere slaps Freestone to prevent this happening. Rose gives a great “Good help is so hard to find ” look and goes for the chair himself. Guinvere gets in the ring, Rose shoves her down. He thinks about chairshotting her, but then makes the classic heel mistake of mouthing off instead. Knight recovers, kicking Roses chair back into his face. Knight goes up, as Rose beats the count at 9.99. Excalibur scores, with Roses’ skull bouncing off the chair on the way down. Long climatic count, as Knight rises at 9.99999. Rose can’t make it, collapsing at 10. Knight and Guinevere celebrate the title win, the crowd goes nuts, and we’re out of here. ***** Classic old-school Main Event, perfectly paced and well-booked. Rose has to stop going overboard on the blood, but that’s my only quibble.

The Bottom Line: A middle-of-the-road undercard, but a slam-bang main event… with a feel-good ending as the capper. Big props to Rose and Knight for tearing the place down. Maybe wait for that match to make a “Best of the CeWA” tape.

Mildly Recommended