The “Not” Keith Rant For EHW King of the Ring 2002 Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for Extreme Hardcore Wrestling’s King of the Ring 2002

Onwards and… well, kind of sideways, I guess. I’ll dispense with the red-hot poker system for my next PPV, because NOTHING could be as bad as the FCW. (I hope.) And so, with much trepidation and dire threats to Xenomporph should this turn out to be another crap-fest, let’s move on the EHW’s stunningly originally named “King of The Ring 2002″.

-We are live from Who The Hell Knows, A Caption Would Be Nice, USA. (Future “Not”: It’s Orlando) Hey, EHW… Using Triple H’s theme to start off your PPV could be grounds for a lawsuit, guys… It also shows a singular lack of imagination. Our hosts are supposedly JR and The King, although they both appear to have been drinking. (As The King blows his first line, re-naming the PPV “King of the King”…)

Leia Meow vs Sharmell (Possible Womans Title Match)

Possible in the sense that Sharmell IS the champion, but there’s no audible ring announcement of any sort. We also lose the commentary for the entirety of the match. This is like watching XPW with no porn stars! Leia over-sells a slap and we get a slugfest. Leia hits a clothesline for 2. They roll around on the mat like mud-wrestlers in a drought for a while, before Sharmell gets the advantage. Axe handle sets up the Sharmell Bottom, (*Resigned Sigh*) Leia escapes. The crack production crew misses the shot, so I have no idea exactly how. Leia hits the Pure Bomb for the win. Well, that was 2 minutes of sweet f###-all. DUD

-Postmatch, the Radicalz (Edge, Sabu and Radical Aaron) arrive. They’re here to introduce their latest member, but can’t tell us who it is. The logic escapes me as well. Leia Meow gets on the mic, and talks about how her match is COMING UP NEXT??!! Who the hell edited this thing? Anyway, she challenges Kane to a match at an upcoming house show. The Radicalz act all concerned and stuff. Next, Edge practically promises to do a run-in during the night. And finally, they bring out their new Radical, Li’l G, who’s been saddled with an horribly outdated “rapper” gimmick. He gets all up in our area, and I’m just cringing with embarrasment for the poor guy.

-We get a quick preview for the next EHW PPV… “Vengence”. I think I’m going to cry.

Radical Aaron vs Kane

Coming back from the advert, we find the match is already in progress. EHW: Edited by Leatherface. Aaron chops away at Kane, who no-sells. Aaron kicks and chop-blocks twice, same result. A third finally sends Kane down, where Aaron bites him. The ref pulls him off, allowing Kane to hit a savate kick and flying clothesline. He goes to the well one too many times and misses a second clothesline, allowing Aaron to cover for 2. Kane unleashes some SCARRED MUTANT DENTIST VIOLENCE and a tilt-a-whirl tombstone for 2. Choking follows, along with a chokeslam for 2. He tries an ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DEATH, Aaron reverses into a Million Dollar Dream. Kanes’ arm drops twice before he does the superman comeback, mulekicking Aaron and going for the abdominal stretch again. Aaron slips out and nails the Stroke for 2. Kane goes to a BEARHUG OF TIMEWASTING BOREDOM until Aaron fights free and puts on a figure four. Kane reverses it, so Aaron just lets go and hits the Radical Driver for 3. 1/4* Despite JR and Lawlers over-the-top screaming, nothing much to see here. Great if you’re a big fan of rest-holds, though…

Goldust vs Urban Assassin

This is a semi-final in the King of The Ring tournament, as was the previous match. Not that I knew that at the time, as the EHW doesn’t bother to have a ring announcer. This makes the format a shade hard to follow at times if you’re not a regular EHW viewer. The match gets rolling as Radical Aaron is still walking back up the aisle, so I’m guessing we’re running behind already. (Probably due to that marathon of a womens match…) Some chop-and-puncherry to begin, Urban Assassin gets a kneebreaker and works the leg. Goldust powers out and we start over. Goldust gets an armdrag before Assassin nails him with aneckbreaker and we hit the chinlock. A brief mat-wrestling sequence eventuates as Goldust reverses to a hammerlock, only to get jawjacked. Assassin hits the DISCUS PUNCH OF WHIRLY DEATH and stomps a mudhole. Goldust gets all huffy and gorilla presses Assassin onto the ropes, then shoulderblocks him to the floor. They have a brief, though heated brawl on the floor, then have a staredown before returning to the ring. A half-decent wrestling sequence from the resulting lock-up leads to some mat-wrestling with Assassin working the arm this time. Goldust gets in a kneelift and tries a slam, but Assassin rolls him up for 2. He’s just not too co-operative today, it seems. Goldust gets a stiff lariat and float-over legsweep for 2. Assassin chopblocks from the floor and pummels him. They throw the scientific wrestling out of the window, alternating brawling with a rapid series of reversals. Goldust hits the sleeper, only to be jawjacked. He lowblows to avoid a gutwrench and hits an oddly-placed axehandle to Assassins’ hip. He belly-to-backs Assassin into the corner, but gets pancaked on a superplex attempt. Assassin scores with a flying forearm and gets a DDT after another good reversal sequence for 2. These guys have got their working shoes on tonight! The ref is bumped, Assassin hits The Finisher With No Name. (Which gets missed by the camera crew, so I can’t even give you a description.) The rulebook joins the scientific wrestling as both men start ballshots and brawling. The ref revives as Assassin hits a neckbreaker for 1. Goldust avoids a boot and hits the Curtain Call for 2 and a half. They return to the fisticuffs, Goldust hits a float-over DDT and goes up. He body-blocks’ Assassins fist however, working in the Rakishi 360 oversell. Piledriver for 2 by Assassin. He hits a bodyslam and top-rope kneedrop, Goldust ricochets off the ropes from a shoulderblock and nails the bulldog. A second Curtain Call finishes it and Goldust advances. ****1/4 Great workrate, a clean finish and nice pacing. Both men really sold the storyline of tossing out the friendship/mutal respect/rulebook when a title shot is on the line, too. The sleeper match of the night so far.

Kurt Angle vs Brock Lesnar (W/Paul Heyman.)

Both guys get very generic entrances. Brock dominates early with a clothesline and a Samoan drop. He posts himself on a blind charge, Angle hits a belly-to-belly and five rolling Germans. The crowd is pretty much dying as we speak. Angle pulls down the straps, but we’re in Orlando, not Memphis, so it probably won’t help. He applies the Anglelock, Brock kinda sells it, but eventually just shoves him off. Drop toehold and two spinning powerbombs gets 2 for Brock. Angle blocks the F-5 with a hurricanrana and they both lay around. The crowd is dead, embalmed and on their way to the gravesite by now. Some wussy brawling on the floor goes nowhere. Back inside, Angleslam is reversed to a fishermans suplex for 2. F-5 gets the 3-count for Brock. DUD Paint-by-numbers match with both men phoning in their performace. Apparently it was for the US Title, but how you’re supposed to tell with no ring announcements is anybodys’ guess.

HBK vs Booker T

We skip the intros for this match and just get to the action. Booker gets a clothesline, then misses a legdrop. The both sell this gruelling two-move battle for a while. Booker avoids a clothesline and gets the Harlem Sidekick for 2. Booker argues the count with the ref, Michaels hits the Sweet Chin Music and gets a super-fast three-count. DUD What the hell was the point of that squash? Lawlers “What a match!” comment afterwards had to be subtle sarcasm, surely.

Jeff Hardy & Kid vs The Blue Meanie and The Great Malinko (Tag Title Match)

We’re clipped to the start once more, so I have no idea who’s champion coming in. EHW just doesn’t cater to the causual viewer, I guess. Jeff hip-tosses Malinko and tags out. Yeah, you don’t want to get fatigued, Jeff. They double-team Malinko with elbowdrops, Kid hits a dropkick for 2. Jeff tags back in and misses a top-rope legdrop, allowing a tepid tag to Meanie. He cleans house with clotheslines and powerslams, getting 2 on Jeff. It’s BONZO GONZO, Blue Meanie hits the Blue Bomb on Kid and gets the win to retain(?) the titles. 1/4* Why are these three-minute Monday Night matches on a PPV? Pointless to the extreme.

Hulk Hogan vs Smoke vs Justin Credible

We immediately jump to the next match. It’s so badly edited I can’t even be bothered trying to work out what happens, let alone sum it up for you. Hogan legdrops one of his opponents for the win. It was so badly hacked by the Editing Bozos, I honesty have no idea who. And apparently it was for the North American Title. I downgrade it from DUD to -** after JR calls it “One of the best North American Titles(sic) matches”, or at least, a garbled facsimile of that sentence. I hate to see the worst one! This PPV is swirling down the crapper before my eyes. Edge does his promised run-in post match. On whom? Don’t know, don’t care.

TV Title Battle Royal (Although with the format used, it should have been announced as a Royal Rumble match)

Riot and Quake start the match. They brawl, landing some stiff shots, but doing nothing really worth phoning home about. After a somewhat undetermined time-period (I didn’t time them and once more, EHW seems to operating under some wierd “need to know” policy about everything.) Dark Minion joins the match. The crowd has woken up somewhat, as Riot is something of a fan favourite. Minion stalls for most of the time period, then enters and backdrops Riot out on a blind charge. And the crowd dies instantly. Great booking, EHW! Triple H is the next man out, reviving them slightly. He does an Olympic-style speed-walk to the ring, only to get double-teamed. He uses the power of the TRIPLE H PORTABLE GLASS CEILING to take on both men with apparent ease. The awkwardly-named Genrationxet is next out. Or possibly nxet out. He hits the ring and clotheslines Quake out without breaking stride. He works over Trip with a running powerslam as Dare Devil Kidd enters. Everyone pairs up momentarialy until Spawn runs in and eliminates DDK. They brawl up the aisle as Slim arrives. He runs directly into a hiptoss from Minion and exits the rumble as soon as he enters. Minion works over Trip and Generationxet, busting out the DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER OF DOOM! Chiller comes in next and cleans house, eliminating Generationxet in short order. Trip is slammed out by Minnion as we get another entrant. It’s Seanomac. (I don’t know which is worse sometimes… DIRECT steals from the WWE or transparent clones like this guy!) Generationxet is back in the ring despite his apparent elimination. Chiller gives Sean ten in the corner as Dark Minion gets tossed by Generationxet. Bradshaw is the next man in. He’s double-teamed by Sean and Chiller, so Gen tries to throw out evryone. Chiller hangs on, but Sean and Bradshaw are gone. They brawl, with Chiller hitting the Flying Jalepeno. Jake (Not Roberts, presumably, as he didn’t seem drunk) enters and gets in two punches before running stupidly into a backdrop from Chiller. We’re back to Chiller and Gen-Nxet, who beats on Chiller and superplexes him. Johhny Nightmare arrives, but decides to just let the two go at it. Gen’s having none of that, and it turns into a three-way slugfest, with Johhny begging off like a wuss. Enter Pauly. (If his last name is “Shore”, I’d suggest pulling no punches, boys!) He military presses Johhny out before Mr Nightmare can get off his first offensive move. More punching, Pauly nails Gen-Nxet with a body press as The Rock enters. Nothing of note really happens as the four pair off. Dark Villian is next, still nothing but punches. Sabu limps in next. Punch, punch, punch. Pauly finally gets off a good move, slingshotting Chiller to the turnbuckle Gen-Next is sitting on for some CROTCH-ABUSING VIOLENCE BY PROXY. Phantom enters, but won’t get in the ring. Pauly clotheslines out Chiller, taking Gen-Nxet with him. The Rock tosses Sabu, but he only has one foot on the ground. He’s able to blindside the celebrating Rock and dump him. Our next entrant is Wham Van Dam. (Oh, c’mon… Don’t deny it, we know that’s you, Rob! Please let his finisher be the “Wham, Bam, Thanks Van Dam!”) He lays out Phantom and brings him in, then dumps both Dark Villan and Pauly with help from Sabu. Matt Hardy is the second-to-last man as Phantom takes a sick bump, getting backdropped from the top turnbuckle to the floor by Van Dam. The last man is Double Edge. (What the hell’s up with THAT?) Sabu lowbridges Matt to eliminate him. Double Edge doesn’t last long, taking a nasty bump onto the steps on the way out. Sabu and Van Dam duke it out, Van Dam hits the Cactus clothesline to leave both men hanging on the ropes. The Great Melinko does a wander-in and waffles Sabu with a chair to hand the title to van Dam. *3/4 Nothing to really get excited about, but nothing horrible either. It was there.

Jerry Lynn vs. The Electrfying One. (Hell In A Cell)

Hey, look, it’s the Most Electrfying Rip-Off in Sports Entertainment! Lynn tries to avoid the match by locking himself in the cage alone. As EO was under the ring already, it’s somewhat of a moot point, though. EO pounds on Lynn and treats him to a Buy One, Get Two Free Clothesline Special. They brawl on the floor, with EO getting a serving of Cage, Medium Rare with a Cage Salad. Lynn attempts a plancha, going head-first into the steel when EO moves. He doesn’t do it straight away, but by the time EO brings out some chairs, he’s wearing the Crimson Mask(TM). Maybe he dropped the blade? He avoids a chairshot, superkicks EO and suplexes him onto two chairs. Ouch. Brawl, brawl, cageshot… and Lynn finds the LADDER OF DOOM! Super-contrived spot as he wedges it between the cage and ring, then runs heedlessly at the Electrfying One to get backdropped ont it. EO brings out the OVERLY-PREDICTABLE SLEDGEHAMMER OF DEATH and batters open the cage. They brawl very briefly outside the cage before Spawn does his second run-in in two matches to KO Lynn with a chair. EO gets the three-count on the floor. * for the plancha to the steel. -* for the stupid ladder spot. The rest of the match was just a bunch of stuff we’ve seen before, so call it a DUD to split the difference.

-Postmatch, EO KO’s Spawn, who’s SOL, PDQ. OK?

-Backstage, Blaze gives the worst interview I’ve heard in weeks. Litle hint, Blaze… never follow up “One word…” with “The World Title!”. That’s like, THREE words, chump… And quoting “Titanic” so soon after Jericho did is just sad, eh?

King of the Ring Finals: Goldust vs Radical Aaron

Aaron wants a test-of-strength to start. Goldust obliges, then dropkicks him once their fingers are locked. That’s innovative. He drops everything on Aaron but the kitchen sink, resulting in some five-alarm brawling from the aggrieved Aaron. He hits the Radical Driver and applies a submission move, but Goldust makes the ropes. Aaron clotheslines Goldust to the apron, and tries to shouldblock him off. Goldust leapfrogs, causing Aaron to take a nasty phantom plancha through the ropes and into the railing. Goldust busts out an Asai moonsault(!!) and tope suicida(!!!) from the top turnbuckle. JR is having a conniption fit over these moves. Aaron appears to bleed hardway, unless he discovered a way to blade the back of his head. Back inside, Goldust misses Rolling Thunder. (I guess if Angle can “borrow” Benoits’ moves, Dustin can do the same to RVDs’…) Aaron hits a swinging neckbreaker as JR forgets what federation he’s calling and starts shilling the WWF again. Aaron smartly reverses an attempted sunset flip into a Samoan drop for 1. He hits an elbowdrop and pummels the hell out of Goldust, then goes to a headlock. Goldust tries a suplex, Aaron flips out and lands on his feet. So Goldust just gives him a back kick. Spinning heel kick connects, Aaron gouges the eyes and DDT’s for two. He works the leg, which considering the fact that Assassin did the same in Goldust first match is excellent pyschology. Goldust bails, Aaron chases him out with a baseball slide. Aaron seals his own fate by missing a Flying Something-or-Other that takes out the timekeepers table. Goldust rolls him in, Curtain Call, goodnight. ***1/2 Short-ish, but breathlessly paced and energectic as hell. Goldust demonstrated that you CAN go over and still sell like a champion, too… Take note, Mr Calloway.

-Backstage, Daniel Blade and Vinne Mac chat prior to the Main Event. We miss the ring intros because of this. Weak.

RVD vs The Ringmaster (EHW World Title Match)

Vince arrives to make the match no-DQ. You see, Vince is EVIL, dontcha know? The Ringmaster blindsides RVD and stomps the mudhole. He poses before walking it dry, so RVD kips up and karate kicks him for 2. They head to the floor and wander… sorry BRAWL to the back. Milenko and the Meanie are waiting to punk out RVD. Brock makes the save. If I’m making this sound exciting, it’s purely coincidental, I’m afraid. The WASHROOM BRAWL OF OUTDATED GIMMICKRY breaks out as The Ringmaster gives RVD something JR calls the “Ringmaster Spechal” through the table. I didn’t know the Ringmaster was French? Ringmaster goes through a candyglass window. RVD does likewise so as not to feel left out. Brock gives Ringmaster a swirly to try to add hilarity to the mayhem. It fails. Back to the ringside area, RVD throws The Ringmaster off the stage and five-stars him. They sell this for an awe-inspiringly boring EIGHT MINUTES! FUCK! Finally, they return to the ring, RVD sets up a ladder, Van-Daminates the Ringmaster and five-stars him off it to retain. -*** What an abomination of a main event. I could eat alphabet soup and CRAP a better script for a match.

The Bottom Line: Two stunning matches can’t make up for the truckload of garbage that dominated this card. Not by a long way.

Strong recommendation to avoid.