The “Not” Keith Rant for PHW Hardcore Disease Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for PHW’s “Hardcore Disease”

Okay, time for another one, Schmucksters! This PPV comes to us courtesy of Purely Hardcore Wrestling… sounds a litle ECW-ish? Well, let’s give it the benefit of the doubt and check it out!

-We are LIVE from somewhere or other. The show opens with a montage of chiarshots and some restrained pyro. Your hosts are Daveo “The Heel” and “Babyface” Bobby. The main event tonight is a scaffold match, it seems. Good lord, do these people never learn!

-The Offspring arrive, getting a good pop. (Unlike say, Master P.) They play “Smash” and depart.

-Backstage, the Stable Named After a Who Song are getting ready. One manages to get in a product plug before they head to ringside.

-Major Madd & Colonel Carnage vs. Da’ Goodfellaz vs. Razor Riot & Stamphead (Of “My Generation”) vs. Jazz & Virus (TLC Tag Title Match)

Riot and Stamphead charge the ring and we’re off and brawling! The nights first ballshot is hit at 0:20 and the first chairshot is thrown at 0:45. Jazz and Virus (The champions) make their entrance shortly after. They beat on Da Goodfellaz as Carnage plays Bob Euchre, throwing a chairshot that misses both of them! VanJazzinator drops him. Half the participants are in the ring, half outside… to call this an ugly brawl would be insulting to ugly brawls the world over! Goodfella Krack stunguns Madd and is immediately hit with a hurricanrana by Virus. BrawlQuest 2001 continues, with chairshots being thrown left, right and center. Madd and Carnage use the ladder for the first time, throwing it at Krack before Madd heads up. Goodfella Tony The Bull (Whoa, deja vu all over again!) German suplexes him off. A second ladder is in use outside the ring, where Jazz heads up to drop something on Razor. Razor bumps the ladder, sending Jazz plunging into Stampheads arms who nails the T.S.T. Stamphead tries for the belts, Tony drags him down, Virus executes the “Last Gasp” on him for chuckles. Virus then spears Tony through a table I never even saw being set up. Jazz sets up another table and heads up, Krack meets him at the top. With Carnages help, they just sort of plummet through the tables. Ugly, ugly spot. Followed by an even uglier one as Stamphead upends the ladder, practically breaking Carnages neck on the top rope in the process. The highspots kepp a’coming as Razor spears Madd off the top of Ladder 1, using Ladder 2 as a launching pad. Tony suddenly no-sells his trip through the table and heads up. Jackhammer arrives at ringside, pushing a dumpster. Tony and Virus fight at the top, Stamphead drop-kicks them over the top rope into the dumpster. No, I never saw that coming either! Carnage piledrives Stamphead, but takes a pumphandle DDT (Now there’s a combination I never thought I’d see…) from Riot. He heads up to claim the belts for the title. 3/4* The spear off the top was nice… the rest was like watching backyard wrestling done in the backyard of a crack-house.

-Backstage Hardcore Mikey cuts a short, though dull promo.

-Also backstage, Outlaw and AK cut a short, though profane promo.

-First Blood Battle Royal (Hardcore Title Match)

There’s eight men in this match… so I shall call it… Mini Rumble. (*little finger to mouth*) Outlaw attacks Jackhammer right off the bat, so the match starts with 3 men present, however. (Eroder being the third.) Gorilla press from Outlaw, he gets chop-blocked by Eroder’s drop-kick. He no-sells, hitting the “Implant Chokeslam” (huh?) as Chef appears with a chair. Well, that’s original. He runs right into a springboard moonsault from Jackhammer, who then punts Outlaw between the uprights. He tries a rana on Chef, who powerbombs him. Rich Loader enters. (His theme song is called “Everything Sucks”… I hope that’s not a prediction…) He punches out an audience plant… sorry, member who besmirches him with a “Loader is a tit” sign. He brawls with Chef, before getting hit with a flying clothesline by Eroder. Chef goes for the garbage… oddly neglecting a cookie sheet, which would have seemed somewhat appropriate. He chairshots Jackhammer, who blades and is eliminated. Twisted Kid enters. (Odd coincidence time: His shirt reads “New F’N Deal”… earlier, from Stampheads’ promo with My Generation “Hell F’N Yeah!”. And prior to that, quoth the Heel Anouncer, “One Word, PH “F’N” W”. Let’s have some new cliches to PHW, stat!) Twisted Kid drop-kicks everything that moves and gets a trash can in the face from Chef. Joey Morrus arrives, brawling with Outlaw on the floor. He uses a monitor, Outlaw blades, thanks for playing, seeya. Eroder hits a nice plancha as Mikey “No, Not Whipwreck, Although Many Have Made That Mistake” arrives. The big screen flashes his nickname… “Hard F’N Core Mikey”… good grief. Chef goes up for a 450 splash on Twisted Kid, who defends himself with a trash can. Chaf takes that one right in the Chocolate Salty Balls. (Well, not really, but it sounder cooler that way.) Loader eliminates Twisted Kid after chairshotting him into the trash can. Mikey still hasn’t even appoached the ring. Wuss. Eroder eliminates Morrus after a piledriver from the apron through a table. No word on whether he was paralyzed for life after that move… Mikey finally attacks Eroder, and finds a Barb-Wire Wrapped Baseball Bat. (As used by the Texas Little League, I believe.) Eroder is eliminated in short order. Mikey heads inside, bringing his manager/valet/little buddy/houseplant Steve The Cactus in as well. Chef brings in the STOP SIGN OF DOOM, kabongging Mikey as he tries a top-rope something-or-other. Blind charge, Loader back-drops Chef out. Loader then suffers the humiliation of having to blade off a Cactus-to-the-face from Mikey. Chef and Mikey wrestle VERY briefly, before Mikey hits the “Mikey Driver”. He sets Chef up on the top buckle and chairshots him, then brings in a large sheet of glass. One makeshift glass-topped table later, he’s up top looking for the FrankenMikey. Chef powerbombs him through the glass, Mikey bleeds legit, Chef wins the Xtreme Title. He doesn’t get to sing “Love Gravy” to my eternal disappointment, however. *1/4 Better than the first, and less of a clusterfuck than I was expecting. Still no world-beater, but there. Just.

-Pyscho Joe vs Squall (Intercontinental Title Parking Lot Brawl) Protracted walk-and-stalk as Pyscho looks for Squall to begin. Eventually, an attempted verhicular homicide is attempted. It’s not Squall, however. Just Devin Straight, who’s not in the match… he’s simply a lousy driver it seems. Squall finally pops up, hitting a reverse DDT on the blacktop for a long 2. Pyshco Joe uses a fire extinguisher (And no, I have no idea where the hell THAT came from) for 2. Cross-arm backbreaker gets 1 for Joe, Squall turns things with a Fishermans suplex for 2. They brawl around commentators Daveos’ car. There’s steel steps next to it… say what?! More pointless brawling sees Joe blade off a shot to a car door. He reverses a powerbomb into a DDT and we head to the backstage area. Joe spears a Coke machine. (Gratuitous Product Plug Alert!) The BIG BUMP alarm sounds as Joe slams Squall onto the Coke machine, then drags him out to the boot of his car. And drives it in reverse into a brick wall. (“WHO WAS DRVING THE CHEVY?!” Well, at least it wasn’t a Ford Pinto…) It gets 2 in the end. FORKLIFT OF DOOM is brought in, and we get another insanely convoluted ending that mirrors the Forklift Spot in WTFL’s “Game Over” as Squall hits a brainbuster off the forklift… through a cars sunroof. Yes, you read that right. Two not-small wrestlers try to hit a move through a sun-roof. Imagine how ugly THAT particular spot looked… then double it! It gets the pin and the third consecutive title change of the night. -*** for idiotic booking, insane risks to the wrestlers and the Magically Appearing Fire Extinguisher trick.

-”Xtreme” Johhny Blood vs. Krazy Kid (Empty Arena Match)

This one comes from the Joe Louis Arena. I still have no idea where the actual PPV emenates from. Neither does Daveo, it seems. A wrestling sequence from the bell, with Krazy getting in a neckbreaker. He re-defines “cocky” by showboating to the empty seats. Blood charges for a spear, but takes an armbreaker DDT . Bulldog is blocked, they brawl, Blood hits a nice clean dropkick. Krazy inziguris him as they both attempt camel clutches. They brawl and walk a while, Blood is bounced off a storage cupboard. He ducks a forearm and hits two rolling suplexes, bouncing Krazy off the cupboard on the second for 2. He searches the cupboard for a weapon, Krazy hits a German suplex and brings in the ever-present steel chair. He dings Blood with it, but as both men are having some sort of contest to see who can sell the least, it doesn’t keep him down for long. In a messy sequence, Blood manages to lock a sleeper on, putting Krazy out like a light. Pinfalls only, however, so he covers for 2. Krazy takes over, slamming Bloods head into a fire alarm. It goes off of course… cute. Blood blades and bleeds… badly. DDT onto the chair gets 2 for Krazy. He brings out the SPORTING EQUIPMENT OF HARDCORE HURTINESS from the cupboard, plus two tables. (Those pressboard tables are everywhere these days!) Blood sells just long enough for Krazy to set up a table, then puts him through it with a “Game Over”. He sets up the second, Krazy flips out of a powerbomb attempt. They brawl, with Krazy hitting a dropkick off the table. Bulldog puts Blood through the woodwork. Blood eventually pins for 2. He searches the cupboard again, finding another table. Krazy leg-sweeps him and searches the Cupboard Of Many Things. He finds a baseball bat. (Do they play baseball in the Joe Louis Arena?) Blood gets bopped with the ball bat, Krazy hits the Krazy Korkscrew. Blood then kills Krazys finisher stone dead by not only kicking out, but also by no-selling it. He locks the “End of The Line” on Krazy, who sells that one like a madman, trying to tap out. The ref won’t let him submit, so Krazy finally goes limp. Blood sets up the Climatic Bump, setting up two chairs on top of a table. Krazy suddenly decides not to sell the End of The Line, popping up to try to apply the same hold on Blood. They tussle, ending up on the table. I have no idea what happens next as the camera crew MISSES THE BUMP! It appears to have been some sort of underhook move, but it could have been anything… A suplex, a DDT, a meteroite strike… Blood gets the pinfall to win. ** Started off as the match of the night, with some nice action… just turned into No-Sells-A-Palooza ‘01. Still better than anything I’ve seen so far.

-We return to… hey, a caption! It’s Madison Square Gardens… I should have recognised it! We get a quick promo for the next PPV and see Metellica stting up before we move along to;

-Prodigal vs. Chaos Kid (Barb-wire ropes Ladder Match)

The backstory… Prodigal is the federations president, Chaos Kid is wrestling to stay in the PHW. The object hanging above the ring… Chaos Kids’ contract, naturally. Chaos risks his manhood by jumping over the barb-wire ropes as he enters the ring. A staredown, Chaos swings the first punch, leading to major fisticuffs. Chaos scores with a dropkick but runs into a boot on a blind charge. He ducks a clothesline and hits Prodigal with a facebuster. Prodigal claws his way up to a standing position and ducks an inziguri, applying an Inverted Native American Deathlock. Chaos reaches the ropes to break. (Risking major lacerations in the process) Prodigal charges into a drop toehold onto the top strand of barb wire, drawing first blood. Chaos lands a Recklessrana and brings in the garbage. Trash Can shots follow, before Prodigal blocks a powerbomb and T-bones Chaos through a table while they’re standing on it. Ouch. Van Prodiogalinator knocks Chaos into the barbed wire, Prodigal chairshots him a few times. Reminder: Never eat hamburgers during Barb Wire Matches… yeech! Prodigal heads out for the ladder as Chaos bleeds like a stuck pig. Prodigal heads up, Chaos chairshots the ladder, Prodigal falls… and performs a hangman in the barbed wire ropes! Good God Al-fucking-mighty. I breathe a sigh of relief as Chaos retrieves the contract, thinking that at least they didn’t try to top that spot. Right up until the moment that Chaos JUMPS ONTO PRODIGAL FROM THE LADDER! Do not try this shit at home, folks. I’m torn as to whether I should give the match a rating, as doing so might encourage someone to try to top that insanity… and I don’t want a fatality on my concience. Let’s give it *1/2, plus an extra 1/4 for at least making it short, if not painless.

-Mark Richman vs. “The Icon” Devin Straight (PHW Championship Scaffold Match)

I’m not sure when this PPV screened, but I know Mark Richman is currently wrestling in the WTFL. This is either before that, or he’s moonlighting… The belt hangs above the scaffold, making this a cross between a scaffold match and a ladder match. Richman takes some time to taunt the crowd, so Straight hits him with a springboard plancha on the floor. They brawl on the outside, with Richman hitting a suplex on the ramp. He applies the Lay-z-Boy for laughs, then goes for a chair. Blind charge, Straight bodydrops him into the fans. Straight tries a Van Straightinator, Richman shows some originality by simply throwing the chair right back in Straights face. They wander through the crowd awhile. Richman moonsaults off a retaining wall and dropkicks a trash can into Straights face. (A TrashCaninator?) Excruciatingly ugly move into the guardrail nearly kills Straight. He posts the champ, and hits a spinning heel kick off the steps. In the ring, Straight sets up a chair, but Cruel Irony gets involved as Richman DDT’s him onto it. A bladejob results. Powerbomb is blocked, Stright legsweeps Richman and slingshots him over the top rope. Straight deposits Richman on the announce table and drops a top-rope elbow on him. More bladejobbing, this time from both men. As they sell this like they’ve been shot, Dark arrives with 3 tables. He moves furniture, making a pyramid under the scaffold. Smell the Big Bump coming! Richman finds the KENDO STICK OF AGONY and climbs the scaffold. Devin heads up the other side. Where he finds a lead pipe. They beat each other silly as Dark returns… with petrol. He sets the tables aflame, Richman and Straight pummel each other again, Devin blocks a punch and chokeslams Richman off the scaffold and through the tables. Straight retrieves the belt as the ring crew extinguishes Fire Marshall Bill Richman. *1/2 Ten minutes of aimless wandering around, followed by one really risky bump. Neeeh.

-The Bottom Line: Well, the match-of-the-night weighed in at a miserable 2 stars. Just an endless parade of “Who can Take The Most Moronically Dangerous Bump”. Fine if you like that sort of thing, but not really my style. Watch if you must, but set your brain to “Neutral” first. And we never even got to hear Metallica!

Strong recommendation to avoid.