The “Not” Keith Rant for MWF Suicidal Tendancies Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for MWF’s Suicidal Tendancies

Well, once more, a-reviewing will will go! Join me as we test the waters of the as yet un-reviewed Mayhem Wrestling Federation. The show is their “Suicidal Tendancies” Pay-Per-View from June of this year. So without further ado, lets go to the tape!

-We are live from the Astrodome in Houston, Texas! More pyro than a 4th of July special welcomes us to the arena. Our hosts are Tony and Rob. (Last names are optional, it seems) They hype the Triple Threat Iron Man main event and bicker a bit. (Damn, I was hoping for a Triple Threat Iron CHEF Main Event!)

-Afterglow play a song, after which Kurt Angle appears to cut a pre-match promo. Chris Jericho arrives to cut him off. Jericho charges and the first match is underway.

Intercontinental Championship Match: Kurt Angle vs. Chris Jericho vs. Two other wrestlers that haven’t been announced. (Future Keith: Commando and High Voltage)

Slugfest breaks out as Commando arrives. Clothesline-fest ‘01 begins, with Angle being the guest of honour. He takes a double spinebuster and bails as High Voltage walks to ringside. Four-way brawl, Commando gets tossed, Angle and High Voltage beat down Jericho. Angle is quickly blindsided by Voltage, who covers Jericho for 2. Angle and Commando take up corners as Voltage suplexes Jericho and chokes him. Powerslam, Angle tags himself in. Belly-to-belly, anklelock, Jericho makes the ropes. Angleslam attempt, Jericho flips out and applies the Walls. Commando makes the save for Angle and tags in. I should point out that 5 minutes into the first match, Tony and Robs commentary is already beginning to grate. Badly. The clothesline contest continues, with Commando ducking one and decking Voltage. Things abrubtly break down as Angle brings in an un-Olympic chair, which Commando superkicks in his face. High Voltage tornado DDT’s Commando onto the chair for the pin and title. 1/2* Strictly bush-league stuff. Short, unsatisfying, and a dud ending.

-Backstage, Edge and Christian watch the monitor and chat. Lots of WWF stars slumming in this fed…

-Rob and Tony talk about the next match, Rock vs. Maniac. Which is then clipped from the tape IN IT’s ENTIRITY. Must have been a real winner there…

Hell Spawn vs. Garlin Jr. (Asian Title Match)

Garlin charges the much bigger Hell Spawn, running into the BIG BOOT OF DOOM! Snap German, Spawn sets up a powerbomb, Garlin lowblows him. Garlin goes Kick-Krazy, hitting a bycycle kick, a backflip kick and a dropkick in quick sucession. Triplejump moonsult eats mat, Spawn chokeslams him. Clothesline misses as Garlin lowbridges Hell Spawn. Garlin goes up, Hell Spawn bounces up and catches him at the top. Through some co-operation by Garlin, Spawn hits a tombstone from the top through the announce table.(?!!) Rob and Tony evict the Spanish announcers as Garlin blades. Hell Spawn takes him up for another, Garlin applies the “Death Touch”, a paralyzing nerve strike, apparently. He hits a rana off the top and cradles for the three count to take the title. *1/3 Showed potential, but the big bump was overly contrived.

-We break for an ad for the next PPV. I hate when feds do that.

-Backstage, Counterfit and James Doughty have a heated exchange of words.

Hardcore Title Triple Tier Cage Match: Venom vs. Raven vs. Big Boy vs. Stalker vs. Tony The Bull

The Ready To Rumble cage is in use tonight. Big Boy is using “Break Stuff” as his theme music… enough already! Venom gains bonus points by having “Tubular Bells” as his theme. Brawling from the outset, with a ladder being introduced ten seconds in. Tony dropkicks it into Raven and Venoms face, then climbs it. Raven meets him at the top, Tony suplexes him off. The usuual Hardcore shenanagins are in progress by now, with Big Boy attempting to hang Venom. (Do NOT try this at home!) Raven rescues him as Tony makes it to cage 2. Raven follows him up, they brawl on the outside of the second cage. Big Ass Bump as Raven runs into a belly-to-belly that sends him through the Spanish-turned-English announce table. Everyone stalls for a minute, then there’s a mad rush for the belt. Tony takes a fall from the 3rd level to the 2nd, before Stalker uses a baseball bat on Venom. Big Boy joins him. They toss Venom backdown into the bottom level, where he lands gut-first on the ladder. Ouch. Stalker tosses Big Boy off the top level onto the 1st, then splashes him through the roof of the cage. Rob says “These guys want the title!” No, they want to make the highlight reels. Otherwise Stalker would have reached up and taken the belt instead of splashing Big Boy. Just an observation. We get the Final Bump as Tony turfs Venom off the cage to the ramp and collects the belt. DUD, bordering on negative stars due to a severe lack of anything other than the stunts. Big, ugly spotfest.

Undertaker & Kane vs. Assassin & Bull vs. Edge and Christian (2-fall TLC Tag and Hardcore Tag Title Match)

More WWF moonlighters? Vince is going to spit tacks! Brawl, brawl, Con-chair-to, brawl, ladder spot, chairshot, Undertaker sells, brawl, Bull goes through a table. (BTW, I just put in the bit about Taker selling to see if you were paying attention.) Brawl, brawl, half the participants blade, Kane chokeslams Christian off the ladder and retrieves the hardcore Titles to retain.

Everyone takes a quick break before the second fall, allowing me to get a beer. ahh, cool beer, where would I be without you. Second verse, same as the first. Brawl, brawl, E & C are chokeslammed through tables, everyone else blades, 20ft tall ladder is brought in. I flip off the video in case I’m missing something more interesting. The World Championship of Mini Golf, for instance. No such luck. Edge does the Bigass Spear on Bull, thumbtacks, trashcans, barbed wire, these are a few of my favourite things, all right. After three hours or so, Christian retrieves the second set of belts for their first MWF tag titles. T-L-C? No, D-U-D. No flow or buildup, just a series of unconnected spots.

-Pre-main event, Chef talks.

-The celebrities are intro’d. Jesse The Body is Timekeeper, Muhammed Ali is Ring Announcer. Am I the only one that sees a scheduling mixup there? Luckily, by this point, Rob and Tony seem to have run out of things to say, thus improving the play-by-play immensely.

Triple Threat Iron Man Match: Counterfit vs. Sandman vs. Chef (Hey, this IS an Iron Chef Match!)

Punches and slaps abound in the early going. Sandman suplexes Counterfit for a fast 2 from Evil Ref Doughty. Sandman and Chef break each others covers, then brawl. Sandman drops his head and takes a DDT. Counterfit breaks the cover, we head to the floor. Some chairshots and postings follow, out into the crowd we go. Broomshots and popcorn trays get involved. Chef blades off a chairshot, we reach the buffet. Chef gets thrown into the food. (There’s a certain irony about that situation…) Sandman looks to juice legit after getting raked on the old “chicken wire fence on wheels” set. Chef fufils his destiny by using baking trays on Counterfit, (Yes! More kitchen implements for Chef!) then throws him through a window. The FIRE EXTINGUISHER OF DOOM is utilised by Sandman as they return to ringside. Sandman legsweeps Chef off the apron through some tables that must have been set up during the tour of the backstage area. Doughty gets a mic. Yep, it’s the old “Change-the-stips-on-the-fly” trick we’ve seen many, MANY times before. It’s now falls count anywhere. Sandman pins for the first fall at 15.00. The clock on-screen seems to have no relation to the actual time remaining. Clipping? Sandman tries another pin, gaining 2. Conuterfit makes it to ringside, hitting a Van-Trash-Can-Inator on Sandman. (Damn, if it had been the other way around, it would have been a Sand-Man-a-Can-inator!) He drapes a chair on Sandman and hits a top rope headbutt for the pin. Chef enters, running into a suplex display from Counterfit. After three assorted suplexes, Counterfit applies a sharpshooter. Chef reaches the ropes before Vince McMahon can appear and scream “Ring the ****ing bell!” Chef rolls out as Counterfit spears Sandman. Chef brings in a table and decides to flambe’ it. Sandman climbs to the top rope, for the express purpose of being up top when Chef is ready for the BIG BUMP OF DEATH. It’s a Chef Cutter through the flaming table. The three count is a formality, making it 1 fall each at 50.03. The crowd is either chanting “Tendancies”, or “Testicles”… it’s tough to tell which makes less sense at this point. Everyone sits around for five minutes to eat up the clock, which expires as Doughty ignores a pinfall from Counterfit. Doughty then declares sudeen death overtime so that Sandman can beat his opponents fairly. Does this make sense? You guessed it, its a SWERVE as Doughty chairshots Sandman instead of Counterit. Counterfit pins… and the lights go out at 2. When they come back on, Counterfit has been punked out by a mask and trenchcoat wearing attacker. (With a ball bat. Sting? What are YOU doing in this fed?) He then KO’s Doughty, Chef covers, a new ref arrives to count the pinfall. The Masked Man is Prodigal, late of the PHW, it seems. Well, this match had it all. Except flow, pacing, a clean ending, a shred of originality, and a point to it’s existance. Apart from that, Match of the Year candidate. Honest. DUD

The Bottom Line: Like ECW’s worst moments, along with pale imitaions of WWF’s finest. This is not the show you’re looking for. Move along. Move along…

-Strong recommendation to avoid