FWO reACTION Review

By Towanda Hotchkins

Let me clear the air on one thing. Yes, my name is Towanda, and yes my mother read Fried Green Tomatoes before giving birth to me. Deal with it. Now that we’ve cleared the air, here I am, a life long viewer and brand new reviewer. And my first show to review will be fWo’s latest reAction. Oh what fun.

Starting off, we’re on the second week after the pay per view Legends. Which was, in my opinion had much better resolution than their last pay per view, Meltdown. But I’m not reviewing Legends, so again, moving on. Starting off the show we have the Grunge Warrior and James Renshaw facing off against what looks like fWo’s new jobber team the Animals. I guess Warrior and Renshaw finally earned their push. In a very, very VERY quick match, the Animals are sent packing and Grunge Warrior grabs the mic. And… Well, we don’t know what happened after that. Apparently the live crowd does, but we don’t, we just know it pissed them off. So yay for mystery talk!

Before the actual show opening we saw Krow talking to yet another mystery man. Oh boy! If you ever wondered where all the mystery men in the world are, look no further. In 2009 they all migrated to the fWo. Krow talks about lighting a match to toss on gasoline. Not only is he satanic, he’s a pyro. Actually Krow, you are not satanic. Until I see you attending a black mass, I will call you a nihilist. Show me the pentagrams! Anyways, recap of him giving his former partner Listerin free and unwanted plastic surgery with a screwdriver, blah, blah blah.

After the match with the mystery promo, we have the new cruiserweight champion Jade Argent talking to Kristen Jacobs about his title win via FINGER! POKE! OF! DOOM1!1!1!!! Kristen, much like I would’ve calls him on his shit and the Aussie gets pissed and backs her into a proverbial corner. He’s now apparently the KING!!!! of the Cruiserweights and says Spike Saunders and Callie Urban are walking out tonight with the tag team titles. Nut up or shut up Argent, but first, go see if you can keep your title against the man who beat you, JET Naito.

Next up we see Xander Scott on a treadmill. Impulse comes in and they have a “deep” discussion about the tag division. And decide to stay out of the chaos and pick off the team left standing. And apparently Xander is too stupid to know how to get off a treadmill. Really good chances you have their Excess Impact. Really good.

Another segment with the Nihilist god Krow! And he follows it up with some violent homo-eroticism with Chronos. And calls out killjoy. Chronos, stop being such a pussy. Seriously, if you don’t act like a bottom, Krow won’t treat you like one to use and discard.

And here we go, another match! Jade Argent against JET Naito, and JET looks like he’s about to win again, but no, Argent nuts up finally and kicks Naito’s ass with a sweet looking new finisher. Follows it up with racial slurs, apparently forgeting his new stable mate, Callie Urban is Chinese. You stay classy Jade Argent.

Speaking of Callie Urban, she’s in Ivy McGinnis’ office. Go, go Emo-Callie! Apparently her once broken neck is cause for concern for Ivy, and we may see Callie benched in the future if she’s not careful. And, like, Oh My God. Something. Is. Going. To. Happen. Callie can just feel it. But she’s now one of those, don’t express my emotions more than a fraction types, and changes the subject to beer. MMMM. Beer.

Now we have the world champion Keith Scott Zimmerman talking to Kristen Jacobs. He runs down Max Danger and basically says he’s going to kick his ass tonight. Allison tells Kristen to stay away from her man.

Here’s the tag team title match, Vox Nihili against The Entourage. Lot’s of sweet back and forth action for both teams, and this match was a joy to watch. Oh look, here’s the neck foreshadowing and Karina becomes a bitch and drops Callie on her neck. Where did their love go? I thought Alias liked her. Guess that didn’t apply to Karina. Vox looks like they’ll retain and no, Legion of Dairy comes out swinging. Literally. Like with steel chairs and stuff. Argent gets involved and wakes up Callie to make her go boot Karina in the head. Hey, if she’s possibly ruptured a vertebrae again, it makes total sense to go have her run. She gets the pin on Karina for the win and what do we have here?

Legion of Dairy are working with the Entourage. At least with Spike, Callie didn’t seem to know about their business arrangement. Nice partner there. I’d totally let people strangle my tag team partner with a broken neck for a title shot. Alias loses all respect for Callie even though it’s not. her. fault. He tackles her and a massive beatdown ensues that is broken up by Excess Impact making the save. I guess Xander managed to get off the treadmill after all. There’s hope for them yet. Stare down to end it.

Here’s everybody’s favorite Nihilist god again, Krow! Boy, isn’t he just a barrel of sunshine? Krow runs his mouth, doom, death, destruction blah blah blabbycakes. Vince Jacobs comes out much to everyone’s relief to shut him up and now they have a match scheduled. Not sure how Jacobs is going to do since he seems to be a few bricks short of a load, but that’s half the fun! Krow says he’ll save Jacobs a bed next to Steven Shadows and I’m also assuming Listerin. What is it with Krow and beds and petting the men he beats? Someone’s a widdle repressed.

Up next there’s a video promo for what I’m going to guess is a new wrestler, Rud Albion. He of the many nicknames. He of the Nelson Mandella voice over. Yay! He’s totally going to be here soon, you know.

Lowell the Warrior Poet is out and he’s reading from the bible of killjoy. If Vince is a few bricks short of a load, Lowell is currently nuttier than squirrel shit. But he’s sooooo entertaining.

Oh look, speaking of Vince, here he is! Confirming he’s off his rocker as he beats up the former internet champion Brawn! He’s looking for his Tin Angel. Poor Brawn, from a champion to beatdown fodder. Step it up man! Speaking of the internet champion, where is the Flying Frenchie? I know he competes in the middle of the week and all, but does having the internet title mean you’re banned from reAction?

The Nihilist god against Superstar Vince Jacobs. Lots of violence as is to be expected. And a screwdriver, which is Krow’s phallic weapon of choice. In the end, Jacobs’ concussion is probably grade three now as Krow picks up the win. If Ivy is threatening to bench Callie, why isn’t she benching Vinnie? Seeing as he’s actually really injured and all.

Now we have Max Danger reminiscing about the good old days when Keith Scott Zimmerman wanked off to posters of him. Those days are long gone, but Danger totally beat him once and like, he’ll beat him again tonight for the world title and make it twice.

The main event, Keith Scott Zimmerman against Max Danger. This ranks up with the tag team match and it’s a beauty. It looks like Danger might actually win this and walk away with the belt. Hey, it’s happened once tonight, why not again? But no, Zimmerman puffs up and takes it home, kicking the shit out of his former idol and retaining his belt. Just as he’s having his post match gloat, he’s interrupted by.

KILLJOY! With new music! PSYCHE!1!1!!1 the killer of joy that doesn’t believe in capitalization says Zimmerman’s name wrong repeatedly and basically calls him a tool with lowered standards. and he’s believing in a hoax by believing in himself. and killjoy is the only person left alive worthy enough to believe in. who’s the world’s new cracked out messiah? killjoy! and he says that zimmerman didn’t finish what harmen started. And now we end the show.