Live report from Just’s HALLOWEEN HOMECOMING

ALBANY, NY – The Washington Avenue Armory was lavishly decked out tonight, with huge spider webs cascading from the ceiling and fake blood spattered in huge clumps up the walls of the venue and on the seats. Tim Shipley had clearly authorised Jody Monroe to pull out all the stops, and a team of temporary workers toiled all day to assemble the rickety wooden structure that stood alongside the ring and would be the site of the Haunted House match towards the end of the night. The crowd was younger than usual and much of it in costume, and there was a real party atmosphere surrounding Just Wrestling’s return to the Armory on an evening that is halfway to becoming a national holiday.

Yet despite his extravagant spending on the decorations and sets for tonight, not everything went smoothly for Tim Shipley. As Roxie announced the apple-bobbing contest that would determine the stipulations for the Trick or Treat matches, there were several audible groans from the ‘pure’ fans stationed in their regular front-row seats, and things only got worse when the Trick or Treat competitors were informed of their obligations. After the cartoonish heel reception for Kenjiro Ito, who was dressed in full Emperor Hirohito regalia, Ito stalked back to the curtain in haughty shock when Roxie asked him to bob for a numbered apple. Jay Terror, who confusingly enough came dressed as Aaron Nothings complete with track marks and “cut-it-myself” hair, simply laughed at the unfortunate ring announcer. Fortunately Raphael the Ninja Turtle – or “Normal” John Johnson as we otherwise know him – stepped in and suggested that his friend Irene could step up from his seat and do the apple-bobbing on the wrestlers’ behalf.

A wet-faced Irene emerged with apples on whose skin numbers had been scrawled, and these corresponded to “tricks” and “treats” that Roxie read from her notes. DarkStar drew #1, which Roxie gleefully informed him was a trick, and then explained that some of the tricks and treats were more severe than others. DarkStar’s trick was, in that case, pretty severe, as he would have to face Jay Terror with his hands cuffed behind his back. Ito drew #2, a treat – but he seemed less than impressed when told he was thereby entitled to unlimited candy. #3 was drawn by Johnson, and the trick would be that he had to pin his opponent twice to win his match. That left #4, and from what Roxie had suggested, it would be a more tangible treat than the sugary blessings of Kenjiro Ito. Jay Terror took #4 by default, and in full knowledge that his opponent DarkStar would be handcuffed for their match, Roxie told the Outlaw that he would be permitted the use of a steel chair.

That sent a buzz of anticipation around the arena and Ito and Johnson retreated to ringside while DarkStar reluctantly submitted to the restraints that Roxie locked on his wrists. Meanwhile Terror selected himself a folding chair and he was licking his lips as the match began. Sure enough Terror went to town, not holding back in dishing out unguarded chair shots to the former PCW legend’s head. The show had been promoted as family-friendly and these were uncomfortable moments for Shipley and his team. Miraculously however DarkStar was able to use a series of powerful kicks to cut up Terror’s momentum, and in a real flashbulb moment dove from the top rope in an uncontrolled suicide headbutt, hands still tied. The Nothings lookalike barely kicked out. After a time, however, DarkStar’s serious disadvantage began to wear on him and there are only so many chair shots a man can take. It was a second impressive victory for Jay Terror.

Ito and Johnson now stepped up, and the juxtaposition of the Emperor against a popular children’s cartoon character was only going to yield one crowd response. A snarling Ito threw his assignment of candy to the mat and stamped it in, boiled sweets splintering and presenting a sticky yet slightly sharp surface into which he drove Johnson’s face. Yet Raphael came up licking his lips and asking for more sweets. Ito was clearly more talented than his rookie adversary but let himself be distracted too often, playing to the crowd costing him when Johnson rolled up the full three count only two minutes in. Of course, the stipulation meant Johnson had to pin Ito a second time, with Ito only needing one fall to win. But Johnson unleashed a breathtaking sequence of utterly ordinary moves, culminating in a huge turtle-shell splash from whose blow Johnson was cushioned by the thick costume. Ito could not stand up to the ninja turtle and Johnson followed Terror in moving to a 2-0 record going into the Haunted House.

Before the big melée match, however, we had a surprise visitor. Accompanied by an angelic chorus Just Wrestling’s prodigal son Max Danger, almost unrecognisable in white robe and beard, brought Brock Shepherd’s prosthetic arm with him to the ring. (In his retirement, Shepherd has probably acquired a replacement limb by now, but we didn’t have the heart to say anything.) Having achieved widespread success most notably in FWO since the Westward March, the once despised former Just Wrestling Champion was cheered on his return, and indeed Danger was quick to declare his “love” for Just and its fans. Read a transcript of his return here. The man now billed as “The Maine Event” will return in that slot next week in Fairfield, CT against Jacob McKail.

It was Haunted House time, and anticipation was at fever pitch. Roxie explained the rules, which appeared especially convoluted for a match we would only see on a battered projector screen as taken from a sequence of hidden cameras inside the structure, but revolved around the winner being whoever was first to escape the structure. A ladder was affixed to the side of the “house” by which the earlier winners, Terror and Johnson, would enter the final stage once the other competitors had found their way to it. With Johnson and Terror still sat at ringside, the competitors were introduced, and though it was a smaller field that initially mooted (we’re informed the budget didn’t stretch to a house big enough) there was plenty of talent within it. Clark Fox got a nice reception on his long-awaited return, the teenager dressed in a figure-hugging skeleton costume, but was quickly overshadowed by debutant Hush who had gone all-out with an outfit modelled on the comic book character Deadpool. Steve Harrison was menacing in his Jason Voorhees mask until Skylar Montgomery (who wears a different mask to every show) emerged wearing exactly the same one. Peyote Jones was another newcomer and he staggered to the ring under the weight of thick chains wrapped around his neck, with empty cigarette packets stapled all over his body – yes, he was a chain smoker.

Inside the house it was chaotic. Fox was clearly terrified by his opponents in the darkness and the luminescence of the bones on his skeleton suit didn’t help. Harrison and Montgomery fought one another, the two Voorhees masks panting and straining until they stumbled into a room full of mirrors and there were Jasons all over the place. Being the Protagonist of the Narrative, Montgomery naturally understood exactly what was going on and locked the door trapping a confused Harrison. Jones meanwhile had unwrapped his chains and was whipping at anything that moved, until Fox discovered the hidden passageway to the next level and everybody scrambled to ascend with him, Montgomery getting left behind as the trapdoor swung shut. The competitors found themselves in a candlelit room, and Jones took the opportunity to extract a joint from one of his ostensibly empty cartons and light it up. Hush booted Clark Fox in the chest and the youngster tumbled back into a tray of candles, sending a tapestry up in flames until Deadpool put his water guns to good use and extinguished the blaze. Once more it was Fox who solved the puzzle, aligning a pattern in the wall which then fell away to reveal the ramp to the final stage.

This was Terror and Johnson’s moment and they rushed into the house, the ladder folding into place behind them to cover the exit – but not quickly enough to deter Hush from diving headlong for the gap and receiving a steel sandwich for his trouble. Terror made a beeline for Fox, who is the younger brother of GCW’s Clyde, but in his confusion at seeing Aaron Nothings, not a contestant in this match, race toward him Fox began to protest that he was breaking the rules and the Outlaw hesitated. A moment later he received a faceful of steel chain which Peyote was swinging again, the chain smoker now thoroughly enjoying himself having taken the edge off. Jones then inadvertently took the edge off the building, too, the chain becoming ensnared around a hook in the wall and on tugging it the entire structure fell apart. So did Tim Shipley’s credit rating. The competitors tumbled to ringside in an undignified heap and after a long argument Peyote Jones was awarded victory and the number-one contendership.

With the Haunted House wreckage and the detritus of an abundance of Halloween candy now littering the ring, conditions were less than perfect for a main event for the ages. Cheap Labor had another opportunity to wrest the gold from Aaron Nothings, and his ringside assault was highly effective until Roxie pointed out that he was beating on a groggy Jay Terror. The real Nothings took Labor from behind with the white sheet he had brought to the ring with him, and began to choke out a blinded Cheap Labor as his next challenge Peyote Jones watched in idle amusement. Eventually the competitors were routed to the ring but any gameplan of Labor’s was long undone. Nonetheless a big German suplex almost won things for Cheap Labor but it turned out Nothings had landed on a patch of marshmallow which cushioned the fall. Having grown in his ring confidence over the past year, Nothings has developed a more assertive style and rather than sitting and absorbing punishment he took the fight to his challenger, at one point nailing a particularly vicious neckbreaker with the pair falling from the second turnbuckle. The two now-GCW rostermates were broadly even from then but it would not be Labor day, his dreams of the Just Wrestling gold again turned to Nothings. A battered Amish and his white sheet stood tall, and the fans clapped and cheered, and then Shipley wondered what the hell he was going to do about the mess.