Johnny Suave’s HOLY CRAP Moment of the Week

by ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave:

Hoyt Williams vs. The Illustrious Face Eater
PRIME
REVOLUTION 209
October 28th

Vince Howard: Ladies and gentleman…this is a first round bout for the 2009 Jewel In The Crown Tournament.

“Reach Out, and Touch Faith!”

Vince Howard: Introducing first…he is a PRIME Hall of Famer hailing from Chicago, Illinois… weighing in at three-hundred thirty pounds… … He is “Your Personal Jesus”…HOYT… WILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAMMMMMMMMSSSSSS!!

The triumphant beat of “Personal Jesus” by Depeche Mode blasts throughout the arena as the Religious Icon of PRIME bursts into Quicken Loans Arena with a beaming white smile stretched across his epic face. Next to him is the scantily dressed Our Lady of Gaga, wearing a white one piece leather dress with a cape and matching white diva glasses. As the fans boo the only true Son of God, the pair seems almost disinterested in the crowd’s myopic behavior. With both fists taped, Williams saunters to the ring with all his bling bling and his majesty.

Nick: Hoyt’s back in PRIME and has already made an impact in raising the blood pressure of our fans all across the world.

Richard: The day he came back was the single most impactful day in the history of SPORT. He took time from his busy schedule…you know…deciding who got in to Heaven, whether Lovie Smith should be fired or not…and he’s with us back where he belongs.

Nick: As great of an athlete as Hoyt Williams is, I can’t help but look at his actions since his return and feel disgust.

Richard coughs.

Richard: He heard that, you know.

Our Lady of Gaga scampers forward, damn near falling on her face because of the comical length of her heels. She gets on the apron, opening the ropes for the arrival of the single greatest wrestling deity in the history of the world. Hoyt merely stands in the ring, satisfied with himself as he awaits his opponent. Then, Tony Tagliabue’s face flashes on the PRIME*View.

Tony Tagliabue: Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have been informed of the identity of the man who is supposed to face Hoyt Williams tonight. He, however, was so shocked when he learned who he was going to face, that he promptly hung himself in hopes to escape his horrible fate. That man, is of course…

Nick: Ivan Stanislav?!

Richard: The Russian Bear went the way of the Berlin Wall. America has prevailed!

Hoyt shrugs his shoulders, not exactly sure how someone who thought so little of him would eventually piss themselves and take the Chris Benoit route of this plane of existence.

Tony Tagliabue: So, now, Hoyt Williams will move on to round two—

The arena lights cut out, save a lone spotlight from the heavens continuing to shine of Hoyt. This goes on for seconds, a murmur going through the crowd as, suddenly, the lights turn on to reveal:

Nick: It’s the Face-Eater!

Richard: That’s Hoyt’s first round opponent?!

IFE: SUCK MY NADS YOU MOTHERSHIT!

DING DING DING

Nick: And this match is underway!

Facey runs forward towards Hoyt Williams, jumping up and jumping on Hoyt’s shoulder, trying to bite his neck and shit. Hoyt is unfazed, and just runs him into the turnbuckle, then slams him into the canvas.

Nick: Crucified and Saved! One! Two!

Then, as if to kick out, the Face Eater explodes, which would destroy Hoyt if he wasn’t, you know, the Son of God. The ghost of Facey begins to float away, but Our Lady of Gaga hands Hoyt one of these:

Hoyt rolls that son of a bitch out and stomps on the end pedal, opening the ghost trap and causing a whirlwind of white and red electricity to shoot out, ensnaring the ghost of the Face Eater and pulling him down.

IFE: FUCK THIS FUCKING FAGGOTRY!

Once the ghost trap snaps shut, Hoyt puts his boot on the top of the trap, demanding the referee count the fall.

Nick: Uh…one? Two. I…uh…three?

DING DING DING

Richard: Oh my lord…this is the greatest match in the history of the world.

Nick: What the hell was all this?

Richard: Who cares?! Hoyt wins!

Nick: Well…Is that the end for tonight?

Richard: I believe it is, my man.

Nick: Well…Wow, Lisa Tyler is going to have a fit.

Richard: All hail GCW, dude.

Nick: Four competitors have gone through to Round 2 of Jewel in the Crown: Chainz, Diego Foster, Elise Ares, and Hoyt Williams. Next week, four more will make their way into Round 2. The only bit of information we know came from Devin Shakur. Hessian will be in the second block.

Richard: Makes you wonder who else is going to be there.

Nick: Whoever it is, the night is sure to be a chaotic one.

Richard: For all of us at PRIME, this is Richard Parker saying good night from Cleveland.

The image of Hoyt Williams with his arm raised closes out the show, but the greater image is the one not shown. If Lisa Tyler was that enraged only moments ago, one can imagine how she’s going to be next week.