‘The Duece’s’ High Octane Wrestling Turmoil Report

by Mitch ‘The Deuce’ Deusner

LEND YOUR EARS AND OPEN YOUR HEARTS, YOUR EMPEROR IS HERE!

WHO IS YOUR WRESTLER OF THE MONTH!?

MAX IS!

WHO IS YOUR CHAMPION!?

MAX IS!

WHO IS YOUR PARAGON!?

MAX IS!

MAX IS!

MAX IS!

Oh my God.  Max has lost it.  Last week, the battle of one ups-menship between Max Kael and Simon Sparrow aka the artist formerly known as Jatt Starr, went to a whole new level when Lee Best appointed Kael Emperor of HOW.  What does this mean for HOW?

Max Kael: As you can probably guess I, the PARAGON of HOW, have accepted the position and role of Emperor of HOW as per Lee Best’s offer! I am here to be the authority, force and will of Lee Best while he is otherwise detained. My rule over these lands will be just. It will be fair and most of all, it shall be iron clad! My domain stretches from the far Gate A, across the parking lots A1-G5, to the mesa and courtyards and yes, even the utility warehouse to the west of the Arena. Every blade of grass, every speck of asphalt, every tree leaf and slab of cement is my land to rule, my toy to..uh.. toy with!

Oh boy.  What does this mean for HOW General Manager Simon Sparrow?

Max Kael: …Now.. Onto Imperial Decrees! Last week Simon Sparrow, the self important General Manager decided that if I were to lose a match that I would be forced to give up the Internet Championship. Well how’s this for Mr. Sparrow…

The Emperor of HOW clears his throat and leans forward on his massive throne.

Max Kael: If Simon Sparrow loses any match in the future.. he will IMMEDIATELY lose his Parking Space and he will no longer be allowed to park in the HOW Parking lot. That’s right, I will take that parking space right the hell away from him! I am not worried about that one bit!”

Well, one nice thing about Max being in charge, it means I can show more pictures of his smoking hot cousin, Elenore.

Mama….okay…on to the first match.

Match #1
Johnny Legend vs. Static

It’s a battle between a returning HOW legend in Static and a guy who’s last name is Legend in Johnny Legend.  Actually, Legend comes to HOW from stints with Dream Wrestling Federation and Fans Wrestling Organization.

In Static’s first match since being released from the Cook County Penal system, he looked a little…rusty…

…Static admires the baseball bat that Benny was referring to and slides back into the ring. Johnny Legend is still tending to Joel Hortega and is oblivious to the crowd’s warning cries that Static is stalking him from behind.

Benny N ewell: Legend’s about to get a proper welcome to HOW…

Joe Hoffman: Lookout Johnny!

Static swings for the fences, but Legend, almost instinctively, evades the attack. Instead, Static’s bat connects with the top rope, the force of the swing enough to bounce the bat right back into Static’s forehead!

Joe Hoffman: Backfired! A bit of karma, wouldn’t you say, Benny?

Annoyed that Static’s attempt to level Johnny Legend with that baseball bat has come back to hurt him, Benny simply ignores Joe and takes another swig from his flask while Static falls backwards onto the mat. Meanwhile, Johnny kicks the baseball bat out of the ring and quickly makes his way to the top rope…

One Five Star Frogsplash aka Legendary Leap later and Johnny Legend has his first victory in HOW.

Meanwhile, backstage, Mr. Roarke…er…Simon Sparrow gets a visit from Tattoo…er….I mean, Louis the Little Person.

Louis ran up the main bell tower to ring the bell.

Louis the Little Person: “Ze plane!  Ze plane!”

That’s not the least bit funny. Okay, it is but…anyways.  Louis goes off on Max Kael like that elf in the movie ‘Bad Santa!’

No, not THAT elf!

Yeah.  That guy.

Backstage in the office of High Octane Wrestling’s newly appointed General Manager. Simon Sparrow, wearing one of his new officially licensed baseball jerseys (this one being red with white lettering and black trim that reads “SPARROW” on the front and “PHARAOH” on the back), cargo pants, and black casual shoes, is pacing in the office.

The office door opens and Louis the Little Person enters carrying his sledgehammer…

…Louis the Little Person: That fucking piece of camel shit! He has some balls throwing his weight around! It’s time to fucking retaliate! I’m ready to go! I’ll crack his fucking skull! Ninja style!

Simon Sparrow: No. We’re not going to retaliate physically……

…Louis the Little Person: We have to go to DEFCON 98!!!! It’s time show that fascist fuckstick who’s running things!!! It’s time to go to war!!!! I’m talking about “Scarface” final scene, fucking bazookas under each arm “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEN’!!!!”

Simon Sparrow: No….no….NO!!! Calm down! He is the Emperor of the HOW GROUNDS!!! He has NO authority to make matches! Groundskeeper Kael can decorate the parking lot and pick up the trash and torture scalpers for all I care, but inside the Kal…the Best Arena, I AM PHARAOH!!! I mean, General Manager! So therefore, as General Manager, I am reinstituting the original stipulation of the match. The Invitational Match between Twisted Beastiality or whatever they’re calling themselves and the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants—-

Louis the Little Person: The Brotherhood of the Beast.

Simon Sparrow: Whatever! Anyway, their Tag Team Title match will be held INSIDE THE RING!!! IT’LL BE A REGULAR MATCH!!!

Louis the Little Person: Who cares about that?

Simon Sparrow: I do! I will be DAMNED if Scottywood gets his way after threatening me last week!!!

Louis the Little Person: I’m more concerned about our parking space!!! It’s a sweet spot!!!…

However, more bad news arrives in the form of Alexei.

Alexei: I just got word from the top….the match Max Kael signed between Twisted Reality and Brothers of the Beast…it’s go. The match is happening in the Parking Lot.

Simon Sparrow: WHAT???? HOW THE FU—FISH CAN THAT HAPPEN?????

Alexei: I don’t have all the details…but one of the Bests approved it. I think it was Lee.

Simon Sparrow grabs the “HOW” mug on his desk and throws it at the wall, breaking it.

Simon Sparrow: Fine! As of now, Max Kael’s cousin, Elenore will be BANNED from the locker room area, backstage and ringside! Since she is not an official employee of HOW, there’s no reason for her to be there! If she is seen in any of those areas, I want her arrested for trespassing and see to it that she is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law! Also, when I defeat Jimmy Kort later tonight and if David Black defeats Max Kael and forever retires the Internet Title, then next week, I will declare “SIMON SPARROW FAN APPRECIATION NIGHT”! I will either have the pleasure of stripping Wolfgang Bruggemann of the HOW Championship or getting my guaranteed title contract back!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Banning Elenore from the arena!  Oh well, I’ll always have this…

Whoa.

Well, you know that the HOW Champion Aceldama would have some response to Sparrow’s demand to turn over the contract.

Aceldama- Nothing but idle threats with no ammunition. He knows that his contract as General Manager is not legally binding, how can Lee Best hand over power when undergoing a federal trial? He can’t. Simon Sparrow is merely a puppet, a mouth piece for a man with no voice inside this federation at this time. The truth of the matter is, he NEEDS this contract, because he knows that he cannot take this title from me any other way. He knows he cannot win the invitational, so he needs this piece of paper as something to fall back on…

[...Aceldama looks at the contract one final time.]

Aceldama- Getting a lot colder out here, fires going out…..

[Aceldama takes the contract and throws it into the fire; it burns up very quickly as the fire spurns up once again as Aceldama rubs his hands with a vague smile upon his face.]

Aceldama- Humm, burned up very quickly, wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on, just like your role as General Manager, and until you are thrown out of that role, I will not set foot inside this arena again……what are you going to do to me Simon…….if you can’t even get to me? Win the invitational Simon, then you have me, until then…….get a good pen, you’re going to need it.

[Aceldama lets out a shrill laugh as it echoes throughout the alleyway as the scene fades]

Well, so much for that.

At this point, the Bobbinette Carey-a-thon began and the true star of the show appeared.  Was it, Mario Maurako?  No.  Bobbinette?  No.  John Sektor, making a guest appearance?  No.  Silver Cyanide, also making a special guest appearance?  No.  Jennifer Garner and Mariah Carey?  No.

John Wayne Bobbitt, Chris Brown, and Sean Connery enter the room along with two TV’s that are rolled in by some event staff. Sean Connery walks up to Jennifer Garner and stand across the table from her.

Sean Connery: Move it before I decorate your face with a palm sandwich.

Jennifer Garner: What?

Without hesitation Sean Connery bitch slaps Jennifer knocking her out of the chair. Instantly Ben Aflec and Gerard Butler rush over to her aid as Sektor chuckles and Mariah Carey gives Sektor a dirty look.

Sean Connery: What? You feel left out?

Sean Connery then bitch smacks Mariah Carey, and right after everyone leaves the stage except for Cyanide, Sektor, and Rufus. The two TV’s have been installed at the table and Sean Connery, Chris Brown, and John Bobbitt take their seats rounding out the panel. The two TV’s are turned on and Scott Peterson appears in handcuffs on one and OJ Simpson also in jumpsuit appears on the other one.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more disturbing.

The 63 year old Matteo Maurako begins to dance badly in place as he starts singing.

Matteo Maurako: Pants on the ground, Pants on the ground. Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground. You got your hat turned sideways, gold in your mouth, and you’re looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.

Ethan decks Matteo Maurako sending him to the ground.

Ethan Cavanaugh: I didn’t come here to be stereo typed. You asked me to wear this for a skit.

Personally, I prefer the Neil Young version of ‘Pants on the Ground.’

But that’s just me.

Match #2
Chris Kostoff v Ethan Cavanaugh

…Cavanaugh continues throwing shots until he jumps off Kostoff’s shoulders and quickly goes for the Pele kick, but Kostoff dodges it as Cavanaugh turns around and get a hard boot in the stomach as Kostoff again sets Cavanaugh up for the powerbomb and this time connects with his patented sit down version of the move.

Joe Hoffman: No Remorse connects!

1……

2…….

3…….

DING DING DING

Kostoff finishes off a perfect 3-0 run through his group to advance on in the Lee Best Invitational.  Cavanaugh has to hope that Justin Brooks defeats Chris Jacobs next week in order to advance to the knock out round.

And now, the continuing adventures of former LSD Champion David Black and Missy Andrews…

Missy Andrews: I am standing by with the man who will take on Max Kael in tonights main event, the former LSD Champion, David Black.

Missy turns towards David.

Missy Andrews: Now David, before I ask you about tonights match, I want to ask you about a story that was posted on HOW’s website about the current state of your psychical health. According to the story you have been adviced by doctors not to wrestle for the time being, can you comment on that?

David Black: Old David Black.

Missy Andrews: I’m sorry, what?

David Black: Old David Black.

He nods his head once.

David Black: Old David Black battered and bruised. Old David Black frequently in hospital. Told by doctors that health is bad. Shouldn’t wrestle!

Missy looks confused but does her best to continue the interview.

Missy Andrews: So…with that in mind, do you intend to wrestle Max Kael here tonight?

David Black: Of course! Must be in it to win it. Must win match to advance in Invitational. Must face Max to win match, so must wrestle Max tonight.

Missy Andrews: But are you not worried about your health? About what might happen during your match?

David Black: Old David Black weak and broken. Old David Black put out to pasture. New David Black take his place.

Missy now looks even more confused but, as always, she does her best to keep it going.

Missy Andrews: The new David Black?

David Black: New David Black strong! Healthy! Psychically fit! No injuries. Not fragile like old David Black. Bigger, stronger, faster…better looking!

Deciding that it might be better to just move on, Missy decides to do just that.

Missy Andrews: Last week you lost to MPLOW–

David Black: Old David Black!

David nods his head again.

David Black: Old David Black lose to Mister Plow. Humiliating defeat. Like Muhammed Ali, one fight too many. Old David Black gone, buried in ground. New David Black here. New David Black a winner.

David turns his head back and forth between Missy and the camera repeatedly. Seemingly having had her fill of David Black for this week, Missy decides to wrap things up.

Missy Andrews: Any last thoughts on your match tonight?

David hesitates for a few seconds as he thinks.

David Black: New David Black strong! Promise victory over Max Kael, conquest of Maxopotamia! Surrender not acceptable! Land purged, Maxopotamia…gone forever!

“What are you, people? On dope?”

Apparently, if your name is David Black, that is answer is yes.

Match #3 was supposed to be Michael “Douchebag of the Year” DeNucci versus Leon Booth.  However, the ever-dangerous Elenore Kael tasers both men so there’s no match.  However, the sight of DeNucci being tasered is well worth the watch.

Missy Andrews, the Brenda Starr of HOW Wrestling for her constant forays into peril, tries to interview Chris Kostoff and gets knocked out of the way.  Kostoff is taken about by a new group that calls themselves the Axis Powers.

???: Konbanwa, High Octane Wrestling.  You may be wondering who we are. You may be wondering why we’re attacking Mr. Kostoff. You may be wondering  many things right now, but wonder no longer. My name is Gosenkugi Kenji and I am here, along with my partner, William, to put forth a simple message. One that even you, the majority of idiots in the HOW locker room and America itself can understand…

Letting his voice trail off, he’d lean back just enough to look toward the aforementioned William, who was busy trying to choke Kostoff with the edge of the steel chair despite his body no longer putting up any more effort to defend itself. With an enraged expression, he’d glare down at Kostoff before looking up, noticing that Kenji was looking at him. Kenji merely jerked his hand, wordlessly summing him over. Scoffing, William looked down at Kostoff one final time before spitting on him and, in one final attempt to add both insult AND injury, throwing the chair down on top of the bloody mess that is the HOW Hall of famer. Walking over proper, William would take in a slow, deep breath while he adjusted his tie.

William: …And that message is that from this point forward, this company has become a war zone. No one is safe here. No one…

Pausing, William would turn his gaze to Missy, staring at her for a moment before suddenly bringing his hand up, threatening to outright backhands her. From the sudden, sharp movement, Missy would let out another brief noise of fear before she managed to cower back. Laughing softly at this, Kenji would reach out and take the microphone from her quivering hand before lifting it up to his own mouth.

Kenji: Indeed. So let it be known, to one and all, that as of tonight…The Axis Powers walk amongst you. And we have only one thing in mind, one goal. Complete destruction of any and all who dare oppose us…

I think it’s long overdue that Missy Andrews gets a bodyguard or some type of security to protect her.  Here’s my suggestion…

Christopher America does his part and contributes $10 to the Bobbinette Carey Telethon.

Match #4
Simon Sparrow vs. Jimmy Kort

Match of the night.  I know Kort’s whining about a fast count over at the WfWA board but despite that, I thought he acquitted himself well here against Sparrow.

…Slowly Kort is able to get to the ropes where Simon is forced to release the hold! Simon releases the hold and moves away holding his back though he has a clear smirk on his face as he feels the end is near. Grabbing Kort by the head Simon drags him into the center of the ring where he starts to hook him up for the Falling Starr!

COUNTER! Kort shoves Simon into the ropes where he connects with a Big Boot!

Sparrow is laid out in the center of the ring as Kort stumbles around on his wobbly legs to shake free the butter flies. Slowly Sparrow starts to make it up to his feet though it’s clear he is not sure what is going on.. Kort kicks him in the cut and cinches him for a power bomb…

COUNTER!

Sparrow pulls out Kort’s legs and locks in the JATTACLYSM once again!

With nowhere to go Kort is forced to tap out!

Sparrow with the win moves on into the knockout stage of the Lee Best Invitational.

Griffin Faze runs off interviewer Brian Bare and delivers a strong condemnation of HOW over his brother Ryan’s drug issues.

Griffin Faze: Obviously, nobody in the company gives a flying fuck about anyone but themselves!  If not for me, who knows if Ryan would even be alive today!  Things were supposed to get better around here once Mike Best came into the fold, but as far as I’m concerned, they’ve only gotten worse.

Brian Bare: M-maybe I should go…

Before his guest can even respond, Brian plants the microphone into Griffin’s chest and scampers off, perhaps for the good of his own safety as it was clear Griffin personal beef with him was validated by his incessant desire to get high in the company of his twin brother.

Griffin, on the other hand, turns toward the camera as it zooms in on him; a cold, dead stare on his face as he addresses the Phenomenal Fan Nation and the rest of the High Octane world.

Griffin Faze: God forbid I step foot in the arena tonight and get bombarded with questions and accusations about why I sent Ryan to Detox last week!  So, to all of you who seem to think that my own personal glory and attention is more important than saving a man’s life… my own brother… my own flesh and blood, for Christ’s sake… you can kindly fuck off.  Alpha Beta Slam is a Brotherhood.  It’s about trust, courage, faith, and power; all of which my brother and I share with the upmost determination to become the new High Octane Champion.  Not only did I save my brother’s life by sending him to Detox… I saved his dream as well; a dream I’ve kept alive for him by virtue of defeating Jason Midnight last week in this very arena.  See, aside from you faithful fans in the Phenomenal Fan Nation, no one expects ABS to emerge as a legitimate contender to the High Octane Championship.  All of them, they wave their Maxipotamian flags or fly by Simon Sparrow… and hell, maybe even pledged their backing to the new WWA Heavyweight Champion, Cobra.

MATCH #5
Brothers of the Beast vs. Cool Reality (former Twisted Reality)

Another big match in the Lee Best Invitational.  BOTB had to have this to stay alive.  Would they do it?

Trading blows Midnight and Scottywood go at it again as Midnight’s size gets the advantage and he takes a dazed Scottywood and rings his head off the ring post which opens up a cut on the head of Scottywood and we see out first bit of blood in the match.  Midnight continues to hammer the open wound, only making it worse as he brings Scotty back over to the announce table but Scotty comes back with a low blow which Hortega can’t see and whips Midnight into the steel steps.

Dos….

Tres…..

Joe Hoffman: Blood starting to cover The Hardcore Artist’s face, though that is only going to fire him up.

With Midnight down we see Morgan who has just laid out Mr. Cool with spear get up and turn right into a right hand of Scotty’s which wraps around Morgan’s throat as he is lifted up and chokeslams right through the announce table as he see Joe Hoffman dive into the front row of the crowd.

Cinco….

Seis…..

Benny Newell: Scottyslam!  Right through our announce table!!

Siette…..

Ocho……

With Morgan laying in the rubble of the announce table we see Midnight getting back to his feet as Scotty takes the chance to make his way back into the ring before the ten count.  Midnight also realizes the count is near as he stands back to his feet,

Nueve….

He is about to re-enter the ring but suddenly we see something fly at Midnight and strike him in the face.

Joe Hoffman: Was that an egg?

Benny Newell: I believe it was.

Another egg strikes Midnight in the face as Hortega pauses his count as he tries to figure out what is going on.  The camera pans and we see Mr. Cool with a carton of eggs that he has procured from under the ring.  Not being able to see Mr. Cool who is laying prone on the floor Hortega can’t see a problem with the egg yolk on Midnight’s face as he orders him back in the ring.

Joe Hoffman: I don’t like it, but you really can’t consider eggs a weapon.

Midnight tries to get back into the ring but Mr. Cool quickly grabs the leg of Midnight who tries to shake him but he can’t as Hortega who still can’t see Cool has no option but to continue his count.

Diez…..

DING DING DING

Joe Hoffman: That’s not right!  Cancer prevented him from entering.

So, BOTB eliminated.  Cool Reality looks to be in good shape right now.

FINAL MATCH:
Max Kael vs. David Black

…Boettcher signals that Max’s foot was on the ropes and as a replay shows he did get his foot up on the ropes. Boettcher signals for the match to continue while Black looks frustrated by the result as he tries to clear more blood away from his face. Dragging Max into the center of the ring he signals for the Blackout! He pulls Max Kael up to his feet…

The lights down down as the HOV come to life. Suddenly the face of Elenore Kael fills it smiling overly politely down at David Black.

Elenore Kael: Hello David..

Black turns and wipes the blood away as he stares up into Elenore’s face with a confused expression.

Elenore Kael: ..so gullible..

David’s eyes widen as he realizes too late that Elenore was distracting David for her cousin. Spinning around as the lights come back up..

SINGULARITY!

Out of desperation Max manages to hit the Singularity bouncing David Black’s head off the canvus. Reaching over he drapes an arm over Black’s chest..

1..

2…

3!!

WINNER: MAX KAEL IN 20 MINUTES AND 25 SECONDS!

Max wins his group with ease.  So let’s look at the LBI at this point:

WHO’S THROUGH
Max Kael
Mike Polowy
Cobra
Dawn McGill
Christopher America
Erites Kallisten
Cool Reality
Chris Kostoff
Simon Sparrow

Maurakos v. A.B.S. will decide another spot as well Justin Decent and Kirsta Lewis.

That’s all for this week.  To take us out is a tribute to Max Kael’s smoking hot, but cold, cousin Elenore.

You got a thing about you
I just can’t live without you
I really want you, Elenore, near me
Your looks intoxicate me
Even though your folks hate me
There’s no one like you, Elenore, really

[Chorus:]
Elenore, gee I think you’re swell
And you really do me well
You’re my pride and joy, et cetera
Elenore, can I take the time
To ask you to speak your mind
Tell me that you love me better

I really think you’re groovy
Let’s go out to a movie
What do you say, now, Elenore, can we?
They’ll turn the lights way down low
Maybe we won’t watch the show
I think I love you, Elenore, love me

[Chorus:]
Elenore, gee I think you’re swell
And you really do me well
You’re my pride and joy, et cetera
Elenore, can I take the time
To ask you to speak your mind
Tell me that you love me better

Elenore, gee I think you’re swell ah-hah
Elenore, gee I think you’re swell ah-hah
Hah