Which one will be this week’s E-Wrestler of the week?

HONORABLE MENTION:

Casey Pierro-Zabatol (DWF): relieved Tommy Crimson of the DWF Fury title on Insomnia 8

Jade Argent (FWO): Argent won the FWO Cruiserweight title from Callie Urban at the 10/10 FWO reAction show

Bob Nye- The Foot Fetish Guy (PCW): Simply put, anyone who gets to spend two days admiring Miss USA’s feet in Puerto De Macoris as well as Katie Collins’s, Christa Carmondy’s, Kalee Jones’s, and Haley Dallas’s at PCW-MVW Lock and Load 4, deserves an honorable mention

Ivan Petrov (G-2): defeated Fnord for the G-2 Television Title at G-2’s Clash at Conroe’s PPV

The Paperboy (Genesis): picked up win and the Genesis Television Title over Danny Jackpot at Genesis 26.

Graystone (HOW): defeated WWR #10 men’s wrestler and LSD Champion David Black on HOW’s Turmoil show

Clayton Rush (Memphis Pro): defeated Max Danger’s bodyguard Bradley Duncan in what appears to be the final Memphis Pro match.

Carrieanne McDermott (Missouri Valley): won the MVW Television Title at Lock and Load Four PPV from ‘The Manchester Masterpiece’ Brooke Evans

SNAFU (PCW): defeated ‘The King of Old School Gimmicks’ Baron Von Munchke to win the PCW Television Title

The Redeemed (Tyrell Dawkins/Marquis Peeples) (PRIME): new PRIME Tag Team champions after defeating Wolves of Slaughter at PRIME Great American Nightmare PPV

Hessian (PRIME): defeated Devin Shakur in a completely insane hardcore match that featured Shakur taking a Hellavator from on top of a ladder.

Trent Stone (Siberian Wrestling): defeated Siberian Wrestling Champion Sam X in a non-title match

Baron Von Blackberry (SCCW): For ‘serving’ Spacely in an impromptu dance off during their Gateway Title #1 contender’s match

Dandelion (VWF): defeats Matt Arcara and  to win the Cabo Wabo Title

Ian Credible (VWF): won the VWF Britannica match from Dimitri Sergeyevich in a four way match that also included Kirsta Lewis and US Champ Jonny Cedrone

Steven Jones (VWF): won the VWF Intercontinental Title in a three way match with “All That” Lee Ryan and Montego

Alexia (VWF): picked up DQ win over VWF Champion Mr. Fantastic

Chris Vallely (WRF): defeated Eric DeSalve to win the WRF title at WRF Mind Games 2009 

Terrell Taylor (WRF): defeated S.T. Strickler at WRF Mind Games to become the US Champion as well as the Television Champion

‘Prime Time’ Matthew Kennedy (WRF): defeated Cruiserweight Champion Doug Bain to win the title

TOP FIVE:

5. Ness (PWX): defeated Jackson to become the PWX Champion

4. Company Policy (Travis Williams/Chris Bladez) (DWF): defeated The New Era to win the DWF Tag Team belts

3. Morgan Jones (HIW): The HIW UK Champion defeated HIW Champion Chester Addison in a champion vs. champion match.

2. Wild (PWX): defeated Jake Reed, James Silkk, Xtreme Dream, Brian Hollywood and Micheal Wrecker-to win the first ever Revolution Rules Match and become the NEW PWX Hybrid Champion.

1. Andy Sharp (ACW): defeated Max Danger to become the new ACW World Heavyweight Champion

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for Extreme Hardcore Wrestling’s King of the Ring 2002

Onwards and… well, kind of sideways, I guess. I’ll dispense with the red-hot poker system for my next PPV, because NOTHING could be as bad as the FCW. (I hope.) And so, with much trepidation and dire threats to Xenomporph should this turn out to be another crap-fest, let’s move on the EHW’s stunningly originally named “King of The Ring 2002″.

-We are live from Who The Hell Knows, A Caption Would Be Nice, USA. (Future “Not”: It’s Orlando) Hey, EHW… Using Triple H’s theme to start off your PPV could be grounds for a lawsuit, guys… It also shows a singular lack of imagination. Our hosts are supposedly JR and The King, although they both appear to have been drinking. (As The King blows his first line, re-naming the PPV “King of the King”…)

Leia Meow vs Sharmell (Possible Womans Title Match)

Possible in the sense that Sharmell IS the champion, but there’s no audible ring announcement of any sort. We also lose the commentary for the entirety of the match. This is like watching XPW with no porn stars! Leia over-sells a slap and we get a slugfest. Leia hits a clothesline for 2. They roll around on the mat like mud-wrestlers in a drought for a while, before Sharmell gets the advantage. Axe handle sets up the Sharmell Bottom, (*Resigned Sigh*) Leia escapes. The crack production crew misses the shot, so I have no idea exactly how. Leia hits the Pure Bomb for the win. Well, that was 2 minutes of sweet f###-all. DUD

-Postmatch, the Radicalz (Edge, Sabu and Radical Aaron) arrive. They’re here to introduce their latest member, but can’t tell us who it is. The logic escapes me as well. Leia Meow gets on the mic, and talks about how her match is COMING UP NEXT??!! Who the hell edited this thing? Anyway, she challenges Kane to a match at an upcoming house show. The Radicalz act all concerned and stuff. Next, Edge practically promises to do a run-in during the night. And finally, they bring out their new Radical, Li’l G, who’s been saddled with an horribly outdated “rapper” gimmick. He gets all up in our area, and I’m just cringing with embarrasment for the poor guy.

-We get a quick preview for the next EHW PPV… “Vengence”. I think I’m going to cry.

Radical Aaron vs Kane

Coming back from the advert, we find the match is already in progress. EHW: Edited by Leatherface. Aaron chops away at Kane, who no-sells. Aaron kicks and chop-blocks twice, same result. A third finally sends Kane down, where Aaron bites him. The ref pulls him off, allowing Kane to hit a savate kick and flying clothesline. He goes to the well one too many times and misses a second clothesline, allowing Aaron to cover for 2. Kane unleashes some SCARRED MUTANT DENTIST VIOLENCE and a tilt-a-whirl tombstone for 2. Choking follows, along with a chokeslam for 2. He tries an ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DEATH, Aaron reverses into a Million Dollar Dream. Kanes’ arm drops twice before he does the superman comeback, mulekicking Aaron and going for the abdominal stretch again. Aaron slips out and nails the Stroke for 2. Kane goes to a BEARHUG OF TIMEWASTING BOREDOM until Aaron fights free and puts on a figure four. Kane reverses it, so Aaron just lets go and hits the Radical Driver for 3. 1/4* Despite JR and Lawlers over-the-top screaming, nothing much to see here. Great if you’re a big fan of rest-holds, though…

Goldust vs Urban Assassin

This is a semi-final in the King of The Ring tournament, as was the previous match. Not that I knew that at the time, as the EHW doesn’t bother to have a ring announcer. This makes the format a shade hard to follow at times if you’re not a regular EHW viewer. The match gets rolling as Radical Aaron is still walking back up the aisle, so I’m guessing we’re running behind already. (Probably due to that marathon of a womens match…) Some chop-and-puncherry to begin, Urban Assassin gets a kneebreaker and works the leg. Goldust powers out and we start over. Goldust gets an armdrag before Assassin nails him with aneckbreaker and we hit the chinlock. A brief mat-wrestling sequence eventuates as Goldust reverses to a hammerlock, only to get jawjacked. Assassin hits the DISCUS PUNCH OF WHIRLY DEATH and stomps a mudhole. Goldust gets all huffy and gorilla presses Assassin onto the ropes, then shoulderblocks him to the floor. They have a brief, though heated brawl on the floor, then have a staredown before returning to the ring. A half-decent wrestling sequence from the resulting lock-up leads to some mat-wrestling with Assassin working the arm this time. Goldust gets in a kneelift and tries a slam, but Assassin rolls him up for 2. He’s just not too co-operative today, it seems. Goldust gets a stiff lariat and float-over legsweep for 2. Assassin chopblocks from the floor and pummels him. They throw the scientific wrestling out of the window, alternating brawling with a rapid series of reversals. Goldust hits the sleeper, only to be jawjacked. He lowblows to avoid a gutwrench and hits an oddly-placed axehandle to Assassins’ hip. He belly-to-backs Assassin into the corner, but gets pancaked on a superplex attempt. Assassin scores with a flying forearm and gets a DDT after another good reversal sequence for 2. These guys have got their working shoes on tonight! The ref is bumped, Assassin hits The Finisher With No Name. (Which gets missed by the camera crew, so I can’t even give you a description.) The rulebook joins the scientific wrestling as both men start ballshots and brawling. The ref revives as Assassin hits a neckbreaker for 1. Goldust avoids a boot and hits the Curtain Call for 2 and a half. They return to the fisticuffs, Goldust hits a float-over DDT and goes up. He body-blocks’ Assassins fist however, working in the Rakishi 360 oversell. Piledriver for 2 by Assassin. He hits a bodyslam and top-rope kneedrop, Goldust ricochets off the ropes from a shoulderblock and nails the bulldog. A second Curtain Call finishes it and Goldust advances. ****1/4 Great workrate, a clean finish and nice pacing. Both men really sold the storyline of tossing out the friendship/mutal respect/rulebook when a title shot is on the line, too. The sleeper match of the night so far.

Kurt Angle vs Brock Lesnar (W/Paul Heyman.)

Both guys get very generic entrances. Brock dominates early with a clothesline and a Samoan drop. He posts himself on a blind charge, Angle hits a belly-to-belly and five rolling Germans. The crowd is pretty much dying as we speak. Angle pulls down the straps, but we’re in Orlando, not Memphis, so it probably won’t help. He applies the Anglelock, Brock kinda sells it, but eventually just shoves him off. Drop toehold and two spinning powerbombs gets 2 for Brock. Angle blocks the F-5 with a hurricanrana and they both lay around. The crowd is dead, embalmed and on their way to the gravesite by now. Some wussy brawling on the floor goes nowhere. Back inside, Angleslam is reversed to a fishermans suplex for 2. F-5 gets the 3-count for Brock. DUD Paint-by-numbers match with both men phoning in their performace. Apparently it was for the US Title, but how you’re supposed to tell with no ring announcements is anybodys’ guess.

HBK vs Booker T

We skip the intros for this match and just get to the action. Booker gets a clothesline, then misses a legdrop. The both sell this gruelling two-move battle for a while. Booker avoids a clothesline and gets the Harlem Sidekick for 2. Booker argues the count with the ref, Michaels hits the Sweet Chin Music and gets a super-fast three-count. DUD What the hell was the point of that squash? Lawlers “What a match!” comment afterwards had to be subtle sarcasm, surely.

Jeff Hardy & Kid vs The Blue Meanie and The Great Malinko (Tag Title Match)

We’re clipped to the start once more, so I have no idea who’s champion coming in. EHW just doesn’t cater to the causual viewer, I guess. Jeff hip-tosses Malinko and tags out. Yeah, you don’t want to get fatigued, Jeff. They double-team Malinko with elbowdrops, Kid hits a dropkick for 2. Jeff tags back in and misses a top-rope legdrop, allowing a tepid tag to Meanie. He cleans house with clotheslines and powerslams, getting 2 on Jeff. It’s BONZO GONZO, Blue Meanie hits the Blue Bomb on Kid and gets the win to retain(?) the titles. 1/4* Why are these three-minute Monday Night matches on a PPV? Pointless to the extreme.

Hulk Hogan vs Smoke vs Justin Credible

We immediately jump to the next match. It’s so badly edited I can’t even be bothered trying to work out what happens, let alone sum it up for you. Hogan legdrops one of his opponents for the win. It was so badly hacked by the Editing Bozos, I honesty have no idea who. And apparently it was for the North American Title. I downgrade it from DUD to -** after JR calls it “One of the best North American Titles(sic) matches”, or at least, a garbled facsimile of that sentence. I hate to see the worst one! This PPV is swirling down the crapper before my eyes. Edge does his promised run-in post match. On whom? Don’t know, don’t care.

TV Title Battle Royal (Although with the format used, it should have been announced as a Royal Rumble match)

Riot and Quake start the match. They brawl, landing some stiff shots, but doing nothing really worth phoning home about. After a somewhat undetermined time-period (I didn’t time them and once more, EHW seems to operating under some wierd “need to know” policy about everything.) Dark Minion joins the match. The crowd has woken up somewhat, as Riot is something of a fan favourite. Minion stalls for most of the time period, then enters and backdrops Riot out on a blind charge. And the crowd dies instantly. Great booking, EHW! Triple H is the next man out, reviving them slightly. He does an Olympic-style speed-walk to the ring, only to get double-teamed. He uses the power of the TRIPLE H PORTABLE GLASS CEILING to take on both men with apparent ease. The awkwardly-named Genrationxet is next out. Or possibly nxet out. He hits the ring and clotheslines Quake out without breaking stride. He works over Trip with a running powerslam as Dare Devil Kidd enters. Everyone pairs up momentarialy until Spawn runs in and eliminates DDK. They brawl up the aisle as Slim arrives. He runs directly into a hiptoss from Minion and exits the rumble as soon as he enters. Minion works over Trip and Generationxet, busting out the DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER OF DOOM! Chiller comes in next and cleans house, eliminating Generationxet in short order. Trip is slammed out by Minnion as we get another entrant. It’s Seanomac. (I don’t know which is worse sometimes… DIRECT steals from the WWE or transparent clones like this guy!) Generationxet is back in the ring despite his apparent elimination. Chiller gives Sean ten in the corner as Dark Minion gets tossed by Generationxet. Bradshaw is the next man in. He’s double-teamed by Sean and Chiller, so Gen tries to throw out evryone. Chiller hangs on, but Sean and Bradshaw are gone. They brawl, with Chiller hitting the Flying Jalepeno. Jake (Not Roberts, presumably, as he didn’t seem drunk) enters and gets in two punches before running stupidly into a backdrop from Chiller. We’re back to Chiller and Gen-Nxet, who beats on Chiller and superplexes him. Johhny Nightmare arrives, but decides to just let the two go at it. Gen’s having none of that, and it turns into a three-way slugfest, with Johhny begging off like a wuss. Enter Pauly. (If his last name is “Shore”, I’d suggest pulling no punches, boys!) He military presses Johhny out before Mr Nightmare can get off his first offensive move. More punching, Pauly nails Gen-Nxet with a body press as The Rock enters. Nothing of note really happens as the four pair off. Dark Villian is next, still nothing but punches. Sabu limps in next. Punch, punch, punch. Pauly finally gets off a good move, slingshotting Chiller to the turnbuckle Gen-Next is sitting on for some CROTCH-ABUSING VIOLENCE BY PROXY. Phantom enters, but won’t get in the ring. Pauly clotheslines out Chiller, taking Gen-Nxet with him. The Rock tosses Sabu, but he only has one foot on the ground. He’s able to blindside the celebrating Rock and dump him. Our next entrant is Wham Van Dam. (Oh, c’mon… Don’t deny it, we know that’s you, Rob! Please let his finisher be the “Wham, Bam, Thanks Van Dam!”) He lays out Phantom and brings him in, then dumps both Dark Villan and Pauly with help from Sabu. Matt Hardy is the second-to-last man as Phantom takes a sick bump, getting backdropped from the top turnbuckle to the floor by Van Dam. The last man is Double Edge. (What the hell’s up with THAT?) Sabu lowbridges Matt to eliminate him. Double Edge doesn’t last long, taking a nasty bump onto the steps on the way out. Sabu and Van Dam duke it out, Van Dam hits the Cactus clothesline to leave both men hanging on the ropes. The Great Melinko does a wander-in and waffles Sabu with a chair to hand the title to van Dam. *3/4 Nothing to really get excited about, but nothing horrible either. It was there.

Jerry Lynn vs. The Electrfying One. (Hell In A Cell)

Hey, look, it’s the Most Electrfying Rip-Off in Sports Entertainment! Lynn tries to avoid the match by locking himself in the cage alone. As EO was under the ring already, it’s somewhat of a moot point, though. EO pounds on Lynn and treats him to a Buy One, Get Two Free Clothesline Special. They brawl on the floor, with EO getting a serving of Cage, Medium Rare with a Cage Salad. Lynn attempts a plancha, going head-first into the steel when EO moves. He doesn’t do it straight away, but by the time EO brings out some chairs, he’s wearing the Crimson Mask(TM). Maybe he dropped the blade? He avoids a chairshot, superkicks EO and suplexes him onto two chairs. Ouch. Brawl, brawl, cageshot… and Lynn finds the LADDER OF DOOM! Super-contrived spot as he wedges it between the cage and ring, then runs heedlessly at the Electrfying One to get backdropped ont it. EO brings out the OVERLY-PREDICTABLE SLEDGEHAMMER OF DEATH and batters open the cage. They brawl very briefly outside the cage before Spawn does his second run-in in two matches to KO Lynn with a chair. EO gets the three-count on the floor. * for the plancha to the steel. -* for the stupid ladder spot. The rest of the match was just a bunch of stuff we’ve seen before, so call it a DUD to split the difference.

-Postmatch, EO KO’s Spawn, who’s SOL, PDQ. OK?

-Backstage, Blaze gives the worst interview I’ve heard in weeks. Litle hint, Blaze… never follow up “One word…” with “The World Title!”. That’s like, THREE words, chump… And quoting “Titanic” so soon after Jericho did is just sad, eh?

King of the Ring Finals: Goldust vs Radical Aaron

Aaron wants a test-of-strength to start. Goldust obliges, then dropkicks him once their fingers are locked. That’s innovative. He drops everything on Aaron but the kitchen sink, resulting in some five-alarm brawling from the aggrieved Aaron. He hits the Radical Driver and applies a submission move, but Goldust makes the ropes. Aaron clotheslines Goldust to the apron, and tries to shouldblock him off. Goldust leapfrogs, causing Aaron to take a nasty phantom plancha through the ropes and into the railing. Goldust busts out an Asai moonsault(!!) and tope suicida(!!!) from the top turnbuckle. JR is having a conniption fit over these moves. Aaron appears to bleed hardway, unless he discovered a way to blade the back of his head. Back inside, Goldust misses Rolling Thunder. (I guess if Angle can “borrow” Benoits’ moves, Dustin can do the same to RVDs’…) Aaron hits a swinging neckbreaker as JR forgets what federation he’s calling and starts shilling the WWF again. Aaron smartly reverses an attempted sunset flip into a Samoan drop for 1. He hits an elbowdrop and pummels the hell out of Goldust, then goes to a headlock. Goldust tries a suplex, Aaron flips out and lands on his feet. So Goldust just gives him a back kick. Spinning heel kick connects, Aaron gouges the eyes and DDT’s for two. He works the leg, which considering the fact that Assassin did the same in Goldust first match is excellent pyschology. Goldust bails, Aaron chases him out with a baseball slide. Aaron seals his own fate by missing a Flying Something-or-Other that takes out the timekeepers table. Goldust rolls him in, Curtain Call, goodnight. ***1/2 Short-ish, but breathlessly paced and energectic as hell. Goldust demonstrated that you CAN go over and still sell like a champion, too… Take note, Mr Calloway.

-Backstage, Daniel Blade and Vinne Mac chat prior to the Main Event. We miss the ring intros because of this. Weak.

RVD vs The Ringmaster (EHW World Title Match)

Vince arrives to make the match no-DQ. You see, Vince is EVIL, dontcha know? The Ringmaster blindsides RVD and stomps the mudhole. He poses before walking it dry, so RVD kips up and karate kicks him for 2. They head to the floor and wander… sorry BRAWL to the back. Milenko and the Meanie are waiting to punk out RVD. Brock makes the save. If I’m making this sound exciting, it’s purely coincidental, I’m afraid. The WASHROOM BRAWL OF OUTDATED GIMMICKRY breaks out as The Ringmaster gives RVD something JR calls the “Ringmaster Spechal” through the table. I didn’t know the Ringmaster was French? Ringmaster goes through a candyglass window. RVD does likewise so as not to feel left out. Brock gives Ringmaster a swirly to try to add hilarity to the mayhem. It fails. Back to the ringside area, RVD throws The Ringmaster off the stage and five-stars him. They sell this for an awe-inspiringly boring EIGHT MINUTES! FUCK! Finally, they return to the ring, RVD sets up a ladder, Van-Daminates the Ringmaster and five-stars him off it to retain. -*** What an abomination of a main event. I could eat alphabet soup and CRAP a better script for a match.

The Bottom Line: Two stunning matches can’t make up for the truckload of garbage that dominated this card. Not by a long way.

Strong recommendation to avoid.

- This Rant (my second) was originally done for THE SCHMUCKSDOTCOM in 2002 I’d guess. I was EXTREMELY drunk when I watched and reviewed this show. I would redo this Rant, but the tape is long gone, and besides, the show was horrible.

- So after being relentlessly flooded with hate mail wondering who in the hell I was to give matches 8 stars on a 5 star scale (mostly from Not Keith) I’ve decided to use a much simpler rating system this time out. Um, well, actually, no I haven’t. Nobody understands my ranking system, not even I. I’m too drunk and medicated to make any sense. If not for spell check this article would be an embarrassment. But I digress.

- So, I’m still waiting for the best of X-Pac Vol. 13 from frvideo.com, so in the meantime, it’s time for another review. Tonight, we get to spend an evening with Extreme Hardcore Wrestling’s latest offering, “Vengeance.” Since I’m sure you’re all tingling just like my head is right about now, let’s get to it, eh?

- Shortest opening ever is quickly followed by fireworks. We are in Canada, and it appears our announcers have some sort of accent themselves (odd, since it’s JR and The King), as if they’re trying to fit in with the country. Announcne? Is that French for announce? Eh? We in Canada? Eh? Yep we’re in for un wild ride with 12 matches.

Masta Gangsta vs. Justin Credible vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin

Well, we join the match already in progress apparently as Masta and Justin attack Austin out in the crowd. They double team Austin. Is this a handicap match? I love this sort of stuff. I don’t know what I’m watching! Mystery stipulations rule! They try for a table spot, but it doesn’t happen, as if this is a table match. Gangsta helps Austin there not go through it with a suplex. Why? Who knows? Who cares! Art needs no explanation! Credible with a whoopsie kick into Gangsta. Then attacks him. Now Austin and Credible work together for some reason and attack Gangsta. He then hops back into the ring and breaks up a cobra clutch Austin found himself in. After a suplex which Austin no-sells! Austin tosses Gangsta outside, then knee drops him. Cover on the outside? Umkay. So, this is apparently a handicap triple threat table falls count anywhere match? Points for overbooking!!! Gangsta hits a stunner on Austin. Gangsta hits Austin with a belt in the head? What belt? I don’t know, and I don’t need to know! Too entertained, brain overwhelmed.

Credible and Gangsta brawl. Austin spinebusts Credible but incredibly, only gets a two. If Arn Anderson were in his grave he’d turn over. And then start crawling at the top of his coffin! Thank you, I’ll be here until the end of this column. Austin hits a white Russian leg sweep. Austin with a sleeper.Meanwhile, Gangsta = $$$ as he is selling like a mofo right now, a.k.a. MONSTER REST SPOT!!! This is GOLD as this DOUBLE REST SPOT continues!!! But sadly, Credible hits a belly to back suplex. Brawling. Credible dropkicks Gangsta to the floor so he can nap some more! Credible with a moonsault!! High spot fever! Oh and it was perfectly aimed onto Austin’s knees. Austin didn’t even have to move his legs. That’s how you work together kids. Lou Thesz press, but no punches. Gangsta has a chair and hits Credible. Austin stuns Gangsta. And then for some reason pins Credible despite just hitting his finisher on Gangsta. *Scratches head* It’s daring, but I LIKE IT! Nonsensical spot progressions are gold. Austin with a SUPERPLEX from NOWHERE! And a second one! Damn. Only two. But Gangsta now hits the Benoit five-for-a-dollar German suplexes on Austin. Gangsta tries to stock up for winter, but a mule kick stops him. Then things get AWESOME as Credible locks Austin in a Boston crab. And Gangsta puts Credible in a crossface!!! Another DOUBLE RESTHOLD. Credible then BLOWS the match with some sort of bad submission move attempt. More suplexes. Snore. Credible tosses Gangsts outside, Austin hits a stunner. He then puts Credible on the table and heads to the top rope? Huuuh? Austin with a suicida jumpa ends with splinters! Oh, he crushed that table as if he were married to it! And Justin Credible wins? Yeah. JR then comes out of his slumber and tells us what a great match we saw. So, on a scale of *****, this match, just for the FUN factor and its great LENGTH, gets a (*****) despite Justin’s BLOWN spot.

Lana Star vs. Sharmell

And apparently this is a compilation show as we cut right into the next match. I guess this week’s show was produced by the local high school studio class. Production values = thru the roof! Very basic stuff with this match from the chicks. Chokes, clotheslines, suplexes, knees. Lana is a FEMALE SUPLEX MACHINE, but unlucky for her, I HATE SUPLEXES! Yes, they SUCK! I said it. Suplexes suck. Lana with elbows and a backbreaker. But the girls make some headway as Star locks in a modified camel clutch. Some more stuff before Sharmell hits a fisherman BORINGMOVE. No pin. Lana eventually reverses a rollup, grabs some tightage and gets the cheaty heel win. As JR is hit with his end of the match broom handle, he tells us Lana keeps the Women’s Title and a TDA. What is a TDA? I have no idea. (ZERO).

Jay vs. Tommy Dreamer (I Quit Match)

After a sloppy cut from the previous match (unless I keep falling asleep which is not out of the realm of possibility), Jay and Dreamer start before their introductions (one assumes) and brawl to the ring. Here comes the plunder. *Sigh.* Dreamer hits a crossbody. The editing now crawls into the match as somehow they’re now outside and Jay rams Dreamer into the steel post. Dreamer UNDERTAKERS and punches back. Tree of woe for Jay as Dreamer stomps a mudhole. Jay low blows Dreamer and starts hitting him with the whacky cracky stick. Jay with some trash can lid innovation before Dreamer reversed. Dreamer set up a garbage can. Then he raked some sort of weapon I can’t make out no matter how many times I rewind this show. Then he hits a DDT into the trash can. Here comes the mic, and Jay cries uncle. (ZERO). No rest spots, just pure hardcore wrestling. Damn this fed!

- Backstage, Vin-man talks to EO. The ’segment’ ends when Vince tells his cameraman (that he no doubt told two econds earlier to come tape the segment) to leave. King then shoots on the product, saying “I don’t like it.” Line of the night folks, and there aren’t many to choose from. OK, so maybe I’m quoting out of context. Come sue me EHW! Better yet, sue Not Keith for giving me this tape. I got some hot pokers for ya Keith!

Bone Collector and Shawn Michaels vs. Goldberg (Cage Match)

Crowd finally reacts. I’m assuming the audio was so bad I couldn’t hear them before. We’re treated to the luxury of introductions, which, now, I see as quite pointless. We’re off to a bad start and it’s a cage match. Sheesh. Double team action. Dropkick by Bone. HBK is reversed into the cage. Goldberg swats away Bone. Gorilla press slam. HBK oversells that cage shot. HBK = $$$. Goldberg dominates, surprise, surprise. Good angles are good angles people. BC gets the advantage for a minute but it doesn’t last because You Can’t Sell If You’re Goldberg. HBK tries for a jail break but Goldberg acts like a security guard and treats HBK like his bitch. More brutal punches on all sides. And stomps too! Sports entertainment meets hardcore wrestling. A match made in EHW. Then they change things up with as Bone Collector DDTs HBK for no apparent reason. Wasn’t this a 2 on 1 handicap match or do they just make up the stips as we go along? Is this a heel turn? JR, KING, WAKE UP AND GUIDE ME! But they don’t. The announcers are playing the part of God this evening. Bone Collector leaves. But yet the match doesn’t end? Umm. Heel turn or not, they were still partners. Which makes this? UNIQUE AS ALL HELL! Goldberg uses the distraction and hits a jackhammer on HBK. Goldberg then leaves and the match ends. I guess this was a Steel Cage Kill Time Until Goldberg Wins Match. Poor Shawn. If only he had heard the stipulations before this match, perhaps his back could’ve acted up. Oh well. For the unique booking, I give this match (**). Nothing else here.

Edge vs. dread vs. Hogan (Guest ref = Warlock)

Warlock says he’ll be fair. He seems to be a heel. Generic ring entrances for both fighters. Hogan is late and takes over and then chats with Warlock. Edge low blows Hogan. Boo. Hogan = GOD. Wait, no, X-Pac = God. Hogan = God’s Number 2. Anyway. Edge with a Boston crab, but Hogan ruins the rest spot. Hmm. This is why Hogan is not the top wrestling God. He’s got the selling and politicking down pat, but he still must let others rest. Hogan with a MARK OUT boot to dread, but the elder man has trouble pinning in a timely manner. Hogan develops a cramp so Edge tries to work it out with a swift kick. Edge tries to pin thy almost-God but cannot. Dread then locks on a move called the finger four(?) on Hogan. I’m assuming it’s just his ’special’ name for it since it’s the same as the REST SPOT DU JOUR, the figure-four leglock. Hogan goes to the ropes. Eventually the hold is broken (hey, Warlock knows a good hold, he lets it go for as long as possible according to the script) and Edge attacks dread before POWERBOMBING him and tossing him outside. Hogan then rolls up Edge. Warlock stops the count so Hogan punches him. LEG DROP on dread! Can this man do any wrong tonight (aside from breaking up other’s rest spots, which he has EARNED the right to do mind you)? Warlock with a chair. Hogan feels the moon lock from Warlock, then Edge pins Hogan. Edge wins the North American Title. Well, I’ll be damned. Some nice rest spot work, and Hogan always = gold, so we’ll give this (*****). More bad editing sends us to…

Smoke vs. Phantom (Flaming Cell Barbed Wire Rope Kendo Sticks, Bats and Other Hardcore Stuff match). I kid you not.

More generic intros with more indecipherable music. Oddly enough, the match starts in the ring. Wasting no time, Smoke goes back first into the barbed wire. Man. Who needs tension, we need blood! Somehow, Smoke is dropkicked over the top barbed wire rope but that looked REALLY fake. Sorry guys. This isn’t amateur hour. I’m sensing another ZERO. Phantom then gets whipped into the flaming cell. Ironically, Phantom is the one smoking.Smoke stomps out the fire, I think, if he was on fire. Hard to tell. Smoke with a cranium crackin’ chairshot. Dramatic two count. Well, OK, not really. Smoke is then backdropped into the flaming cell. Both men SELL THEIR BLACKENED ASSES off. Phantom finds the clichéd sledge-o-matic hammer. He hits Smoke in the back as the fans go wild for these insanely dangerous spots which I’m really not in the mood for. After all, I have a headache. Pussies. Deal with it. It’s only fire. It’s not like you have a migraine! A two count. The boys are SELLING like no tomorrow. Phantom with a chair. Another cranium cracker. Phantom gets a ladder from under the ring, no doubt from one of the painters who was working under there. And here comes a table from the guys playing poker. Man. And it allows me to sing my song: “Smoke on the Table! Fire In the Cell!” Phantom hits a legdrop from the ring to the floor. I’m assuming he hit it through the table, but next thing you know, we’ve got a three count. The medical examiners come out with some body bags, just in case. I’ll be kind and give it (*) for the selling if nothing else. Very sloppy, only about four things happened in the match.

Shorty vs. Johnny Nightmare

Thanks to the high school TV editing class, we go right into this one. Both guys come down to the ring together for some reason. Shorty with a SUCCESSFUL back body drop early in the match, will wonders never cease! Stompy time. Nightmare’s face meets the canvas, basketball style. But apparently he bounced up quite good and hit a high knee. But Shorty with a backslide. Nightmare with a yawnex on Shorty’s face. They’re trading no-sells fast and furious here. Nightmare hits a double underhook POWERBOMB and gets a two. The brawl heads to the ring apron (yes, I said ring apron) before going back inside from the meandering. They blow a spot and run into each other. Man, everyone is blowing spots tonight, live on pay-per-view! After some yawnexes and other stuff, Nightmare gets Shorty in a sharpshooter! Oh yeah! Screw job! Damn it! No screw job. And to make things worse, Shorty gets to the ropes, breaking the rest hold. So Shorty responds, predictably enough, with an ANKLE LOCK! Oh yeah! The rest holds are making up for that blown spot. But Nightmare makes it to the ropes. Bah! Then we have a GENERIC REF BUMP! Woohoo! Nighttmare with a low blow and rolls him up for a pin as the ref’s timely disorientation passes in time for the heel win. He takes the TV Title and runs, Shorty in hot pursuit. Eh (*).

I think JR and King have left the building.

Afterburn Owner Shane McMahon vs. Smackdown co-owner Damon Pierce (TLC match)

Somehow, despite intros, we cut to outside the ring where Shane’s back cracks into the steps. Damon with an oh-my-God suicida head chop off machine leg drop. Shane eats the ladder. Shane responds with a suplex on the floor and a javelin toss of the ladder. Back inside, they brawl a bit. Damon with a suplex before a POWERBOMB! Shane with a ladder to face dropkick. Both guys fly out of the ring for no apparent reason and crash to the floor. Then Shane sets up the ladder but Damon with a heat-seeking dropkick. Whirly tilt backbreaker, followed up by a moonsault on the ladder by Damon. These boys go right up the ladder the hackmeister general edits the crap out of this match, ECW style! Damon with a sunset flip from the tippity top, causing some Drowning Pool action. Damon then hits a swanton bomb off the ladder. After a corner chair stuff, Shane is whipped into it. Damon then gets Tony Hawke on Shane’s face with the chair. Table time. The poker game is interrupted again. Shane is set up on the table as Damon hits a stupidsault from the tippity top of the ladder that crushes both guys.

Time to $$$? Yup, but not long enough. Shane goes for some silver knuckles, but only has brass ones, so he settles for those and hits Damon before hitting the What A Mach elbow. Only a two count. Shane does an pelvis shattering leg drop from the ladder. Damon America whips Shane toward the propped up ladder. He plays the part of a dolphin and answers the question, what would Flipper do if he were in a ladder match. Damon with a superkick on the no-selling monster Shane-O-Mac. Shane puts UNDERTAKER TO SHAME as he comes back and dropkicks Damon’s knee. After some more brawly stuff, they head to the top of the ladder. Damon bulldogs Shane from the top of the ladder. Luckily, when both men land, they each have an arm on each other. Ah, love is not dead. But alas, both men are counted out. We have a draw! Wow, nice ending saves this match. I don’t know, I like a good sell, but I love a good no-sell. This had a little of both. Too much hardcore stuff, and amazingly, no blood for all that. Hmm. Well, I’ll be kind and give it (*).

Oh, we’re not done just yet. Damon locks in IN LIVING COLOR and won’t let go. He then sounds a bit like some other wrestler. Hmm. Can’t quite place it. Ah well. But JR and King are back, albeit briefly, to banter.

Chiller vs. Wham Van Dam (Hardcore Title)

Guys come out to no music I can hear. And equal fan reaction. Brawling, then plunder. WVD with a needlessly noisy and pointlessly non-hurty trash can shot. WVD with a Samoan drop. Chiller appears rabid, and then goes for a table instead of his jugular. WVD slams him and does the table setting himself. Chiller avoids splinterville. Chiller with some stomps, but WVD with a Grecko-Roman low blow. WVD risksaults Chiller through the table. WVD wins the title in this (ZERO) of a match.

- RVD and Vin-Man have an incoherant heart to heart.

Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar (US Title)

No music for these guys either. Lesnar rules early. Triple H recovers with some moves. HHH with a quick Pedigree! Almost a three count. The monster is a no-selling machine. It’s good he’s been corrupted early in his career. Brock with a spinefighter. Then a soft DDT. Lesnar STALLS! Yes. Triple H with a low blow. Man, that is the move of the night I guess. Why don’t you boys try wrestling with a HEADACHE you pussies. HHH with PPPunches! Lesnar no-sells ‘em. HHH with a clothesline that sends both guys to the announce table. The ref sees how high he can count to make sure the Alzheimer’s hasn’t kicked in yet. I don’t hear anything once he hits six, but the brawl continues on the floor after that. HHH gets the sledge-o-matic hammer. He swings at Brock, who docks, and HHH walks into the F5. Brock with a pin OUTSIDE?! It’s over. They believe HHH is DDDead. Brock uses the sledge to do some damage to HHH’s pretty head. Sorry, but no rest spots, just wrestling? Um. (ZERO)!

- Backstage, Goldust is with Terri’s nipples. He does a lot of letter tossing and stuff.

Radical Aaron vs. Goldust (Last Man Standing)

Or is it Golddust. I can never remember. Who cares. We’ll call him Gold. RA has music of some sort, Gold has pyro but no music. What an odd federation. The lack of consistent entrances is quite entertaining. This might be an I-C match. Man, does EVERYONE have a title in EHW? If not, THEY SHOULD! That would be UNIQUE as all hell! Then everyone would feel special all the time. But what do I kow? I’m drunk and I have a headache. What are you looking at buddy?

Match starts in the aisle. Brawling and stuff. Gold gets low blowed. Aaron with a yawnplex on the ramp. Aaron heads to the ring and gets a chair instead of being cool and getting a sledgehammer. Loser. Yet more trash cans. He’s marginally cool then I guess. And a ladder. In perhaps the DUMBEST MOVE OF ALL TIME, Gold is on the ramp, Aaron is in the ring, so what does Aaron do? He climbs up to the top of the ladder (again, IN the ring) and dives for an elbow. Do you get it? Gold is ON THE RAMP. Aaron is IN THE RING. Ramp, Gold. Ring, Aaron. OK, maybe I’m not making myself clear. There is only about, oh, 20 feet separating them. What do YOU think happened? Well, points for suicidal creativity I guess. 7 second rest spot!!! Gotta love LMS matches. The brawl continues. Oddly, Aaron sells an injury. Sells? Yeah, sure. Probably IS. But anyway… Gold with a chair, but STRIKE one. Aaron Van Daminates the chair into Gold. Aaron chops down the ladder and it timbers on Gold’s shivers, or something. Six second REST spot!!!

They brawl again outside. Aaron tries for a table spot, but Gold ain’t playing splinter games. So they head back to the ring. Aaron brings the tall stepping dealie, heads up top, but Gold tips the dealie over and Aaron goes through the table on the floor!!!! OK, that was COOOOL. I usually hate hardcore spots, but THAT was NICE. We get up to nine, count ‘em NINE seconds of down time, but then, in a SWERVE, Gold hits the ref and ruins his shot at INNING! I’ll be damned. EHW bookers must be doing some good drugs to dream this trippy stuff up. He goes for the solidly constructed chair and brings the bloody Aaron inside. Gold massages his chest and gets the chair. But Aaron ALSO has a chair. Cranium cracker. TRIPLE SUPER SELL BONUS!!!! The ref, Gold and Aaron are all DOWN and OUT. Whoooooooooooo! After a bit,they get up and Aaron his a totally tubular driver. The ref gets up. And counts ever so slowly. We have a long seven seconds before Gold gets up. Then Aaron hits the Radical Driver again, this time on a chair. But nine (give or take about 20) seconds later, Goldie is back up again.

And officially becomes the longest match of the night so far. Aaron gets all booty. Gold fights back. In a Three Stooges moment, Gold tries for a shattered dreams nut cracker, but Aaron puts a chair in the way and that hurts Gold’s foot. What a seller. Aaron with a rotating body heel kick. Aaron gets the climbing dealie and climbs up, as does Gold. Brawl on top. Stupidplex from the top of the ladder. Gold gets up first after a quick sell. We have a 10 count, give or take 30 seconds. After getting his hand uplifted, he helps Aaron up in some sort of good sportsmanship. Aww that’s nice to see. What? A swerve! I-C belt attack. Didn’t see THAT coming. Damn. Gold leaves. Well, for some good rest spots and some sheer slapstick moments, this match will get (****). In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I don’t care about work-rate. Only loser Canadians care about work-rate.

- Commercial for Summer slam.

Jerry Lynn vs. Electrifying One vs. Urban Assasin vs. RVD (Elimination Rules, I think)

It’s main event time. Damn. Over so soon? Man, they just blew it for me. This main event better be the best thing since blow jobs, or you guys are gonna get a baaaad rating. All four men come to the ring at once for some reason without music and then just start fighting. Your basic fustercluck. Assassin (gotta give props for having ‘ass’ twice in his name) POWERBOMBS RVD. But RVD no sells and teams up with everyone else and triple teams DoubleASSin. Then EO clotheslines Lynn outside. RVD with a abdomen achin’ chair shot to EO. Then he hits DoubleASSin with the chair and goes up top for the froggy style splash. DoubleASSin is eliminated early. RVD gets double teamed. RVD ends up getting the ring bell and hitting Lynn with it. RVD and EO brawl as Lynn goes for a barbed wire board. Lynn piledrives EO, and then punches him, not going for the cover. OK. Too much action for my taste. I love those pin attempts. I’ve seen one so far and I’m not happy. RVD then does the people’s elbow on EO. Why? Beats the hell out of me. Lynn then hits RVD with the barbed wire board. EO provides this match’s LOW BLOW demonstration. They trade clotheslines. EO hits the payoff on Lynn, but to his surprise, the little jobber with no charisma kicks out. EO has a chair dropkicked into his face. Then he gets DDTed. Lynn makes a save for some reason. Odd.

EO and Lynn double team RVD, I guess he is the dominant male in the match. After a double suplex with who cares, RVD fights back until EO hits him with the ringsteps which are somehow in the ring. More sloppy editing. Then RVD gets set up on the Spanish announce table. YES. But Lynn comes out and suicidas right into EO. They head back inside. No TABLE SPOT? I like it! It’s daring, but that’s where you’ve got to break ground. If they don’t screw up and use the table later, this match might not get negative points. RVD with a Van Daminator to Lynn. Um. He’s somehow eliminated with that move. OK. That’s different. Man, these guys are daring with their stips, I’ll give them that. But Lynn ain’t going out like that so he hits RVD with the sharp stick before leaving. EO and RVD brawl up to the big screen and back to ringside. RVD POWERBOMBS EO ON THE STEPS. Sorry for the ruthless capitalization there readers. More brawling, this time into the crowd and around ringside again. RVD yawnplexes EO through the announce table. Oh well. Just blew it. The brawl continues as EO hits RVD with barbed wire. Only a two count.

Oh yeah, here comes Vince to save this match and give us some much needed angle development. He gives EO a bat. EO hits RVD, who kicks out. Vince then hits RVD with the barbed wire board. Ahh, that did it. The promoter had to knock out the wrestler. Much more credibility to the defeat that way. Good thinking EHW! Vince and EO shake hands as everyone throws them free drinks. But unfortunately, they spill along the way. Oh well, no fans are perfect.

Backstage, Gold has put a FORK LIFT in the way of TDA’s locker room (once again, who?) He comes out. After looking at Vince, EO attacks Gold with a chain. Guess those rumors were true. Can’t look Vince in the eye or someone will kick your ass. Good to see the Internet was (as always) correct. EO then holds his title in the air. EO and Vince mug as we go off the air. Oh, the Electrifying One is the New champion. Don’t ask how I know, I’m just guessing since I didn’t see who came out with the belt and nobody told me it was a fact. I just have this, feeling. Well, this match did nothing for me, so I’ll give it a (*) just since Vince made a great appearance.

A moment for us

This pay-per-view was almost like a quiz show. It kept me guessing. At least as far as stipulations go. And I know, this is supposedly a hardcore federation, but where are the rest spots? They didn’t use any of the best angles, so I am somewhat disappointed. All I know is I’ll never watch this show again. Let’s go my ratings for our final grade:

Fed name = So 1997.
PPV name = Oddly familiar, yet quite unfitting
Match quality = Irrelevant
Interview quality = Indecipherable
Walking footage = Where was it?
Announcers = Close to perfect (a little too much talking for my taste)
Angle development = One minute is close to OK, but you better lighten up if you want people to follow your shows in the future
Rest spot value = Nothing to write an Internet column about.
X-Pac appearance = Nope
Entire card star = (**? Ted = too lazy to find his calculator, add up the stars and divide by 12)

My suggestion? If you’re into really sloppy, badly edited hardcore wrestling, then by all means, check out the show. I wouldn’t pay to watch the event. But then again, I never do, which is why I can afford to be such a sarcastic prick! Cheers!