WMW Show, Part 1

[The scene is set. Stephen Squires sits across 7 of the top superstars in WMW today, AWS Man, Kronin, Hecate, Druscilla and Amariie, Valora and Jade.]

Stephen Squires – Thank you, John. First, want to welcome everyone to the WMW Show. My name is Stephen Squires, and I am sitting here with 7 of the biggest superstars in WMW right now, and we’re going to talk about what’s going on and how it effects them and the rest of us here in WMW. Starting to my left, we have one half of the Midwest Tag Leage Champions and former Great Lakes Champion, AWS Man. Nice that you showed up on time this time. Thanks for being here tonight.

[AWS Man scowls, not looking pleased to be here.]

AWS Man – That’s former and FUTURE GLC, Pseudo Benny 64.256

Stephen Squires – Right. Next up, his partner in the MTL, and – I don’t know, guess it’s former friend? Kronin.

AWS Man – Oh, we’re still friends … in freakin’ hell!

[The camera pans to Kronin, who smirks and gives a brief little salute from his eyebrow.]

Kronin – Yo.

Stephen Squires – Next to him is the new Heartlands Champion, Hecate. Hecate, welcome back.

[The camera pans to Hecate, who smiles.]

Hecate – Pleased to be back on the show once again, thanks for having me here.

[The camera pans over to show both Druscilla and Amariie. Amariie looks a bit disappointed.]

Stephen Squires – The current Ace Superior Champion, Druscilla – fresh off a successful title defense.

[Druscilla smirks.]

Druscilla – You sound surprised. Stephen. I am one of the WWRs top 25 women wrestlers after all.

Stephen Squires – Congratulations on that, by the way. Next to her is her tag team partner in the MTL2 tournament, and former Heartlands Champion, one of the few listed in the WWR Top 60, Amariie Maerthos.

[She raises her eye brows and takes a deep breath.]

Amariie – The pleasure is all yours. I wouldn’t get used to saying ‘former’ though.

[She looks at Hecate and smiles confidently before looking back at Stephen. The camera pans over to show Valora and Jade.]

Stephen Squires – Am I’m feeling some tension here from the Daughters of Darkness? Next to her is the reigning Hardcore Champion. Sorry, I mean to say, the longest reigning Hardcore Champion in WMW history, right? Valora Salinas.

Valora – [bleep]ing A right longest reigning Hardcore champ and number 7 on the WWR list of women wrestlers… AWS Man’s little bitch couldn’t stop me.

AWS Man – Hey, Pyre could be one of the top 10 women’s wrestlers if he freakin’ wanted to!

Stephen Squires – And.. the new Wrestling Midwest Great Lakes Champion, Jade.

[Jade smirks and holds her GLC belt up so that AWS Man can see it.]

Jade – Pleasure to be here.

[AWS Man starts to massage his finger angrily while Pen grits his teeth. The shot changes back to show just Stephen Squires.]

Stephen Squires – Let’s start off with the questions, shall we. Hardcore Hell 2009. Druscilla and Valora successfully defended their titles. Amariie and AWS Man, the night didn’t go as well. What is your reaction to the supercard? Was everything.. everything? Or are you surprised with how things turned out?

[The camera turns to AWS Man.]

AWS Man – No, everything was not freakin’ everything! In fact, everything was the gay! First Pyre loses to Vajayjay on account of … well, I haven’t had time to think of an excuse, but it was pretty crap. And then Hong Kong Phooey steals my title through the highest of malarkerish! Worst … show … freakin’ … ever.

Stephen Squires – Kronin, you came very close to winning the GLC. Are you glad now, knowing how everything went down, that… you didn’t?

[The camera pans back to show both Kronin and AWS Man. Kronin smirks as he turns to look at AWS Man.]

Kronin – You forgot the part where I beat your ass and put like…ten different submission holds on you, dude. As for the GLC match, hey man, it’s no big deal… if Jade had still cashed it in, she and I woulda hooked up and found out who the better ma..errr wrestler is. Unlike Mr. Paintball here, I don’t bitch when or if I lose.

AWS Man – I didn’t mention it because you’re freakin’ dead to me. In fact, I didn’t even say that, because I’m ignoring you.

[Squires shakes his head. He then turns his attention to Hecate and smiles. The camera focuses on her.]

Stephen Squires – Hecate…. have you stopped smiling yet?

[Hecate chuckles softly, fingers stroking the Heartlands title. She looks down at the title and then back at Stephen.]

Hecate – I’m still in shock, think about it for a moment. Hardcore Hell was a historic night. I don’t think there has ever been another promotion that has had all 4 major singles titles held by women at the same time. It’s humbling to think about that.

[The shot changes to show Hecate, Druscilla and Amariie. Amariie stares at Hecate.]

Hecate – Also, I was given a title shot in only my 6th singles match and walked out the winner, I don’t know if that is some kind of record or not but I am proud of what I’ve done since getting here. And while a triple threat match puts the champion at a disadvantage, I made sure to give Amariie the honor of pining her for the win instead of Adam Allocco, although I wish it had been a one on one match.

AWS Man – Oh yeah? I won the GLC in -1 matches.

[All 3 of them look at AWS Man and just shake their heads.]

Stephen Squires – Druscilla, overall, anything surprising to you or did Hardcore Hell 2009 go as planned?

[Druscilla rolls her eyes as she turns back to Squires.]

Druscilla – Were you not paying bloody attention? Are you mentally deficient somehow? Of course everything went according to bloody plan! We’re not the TDA here sunshine! We’re the Pinnacle of Power, the only minor hiccup is Amariie losing her title, but she lost it to our good friend Hecate so that’s well within acceptable limits.

[Amariie shakes her head.]

Amariie – I disagree. No loss is acceptable. Ever. They are simply an inevitability that one must deal with. Although I am glad that if I am no longer the champion, that a friend of mine is. For how long though remains to be seen.

Stephen Squires – Geez, people. I’m looking for some surprises. No one was surprised by what happened at Hardcore Hell? Valora. Come on, give me something.

AWS Man – I’m still surprised just how much worse than Real Benny you freakin’ are.

[Squires shifts his head and glares at AWS Man, before turning back to Valora. The shot changes to just show Valora. She smirks.]

Valora – I’m surprised… surprised Adam Pyre can still [bleep]ing walk after the epic beating I threw down at him. I’ll be more surprised if the [bleep]er’s dumb enough to show his face round here again. I’m also surprised Amariie got her ass kicked too… so much for her breaking Jade’s record.

[Amariie and Valora share a look. The shot changes to show the whole group again.]

AWS Man – Oh yeah, I see the Pyramid of Poodles is freakin’ realllll tight-knit.

Valora – Keep runnin’ your mouth, [bleep]nut. I’ll put you right next to Pyre. In the hospital.

AWS Man – You don’t scare me, not with Pen here. You’re just freakin’ lucky he hasn’t come after your precious belt yet.

Hecate – Is that why Pen is busy flirting with the mop over there?

[AWS Man looks at Pen, who's facing the the mop in the corner. He then looks at the mop.]

AWS Man – Well, she is known for her sloppy seconds … whatever that freakin’ means.

[He shakes his head and looks back towards the center of the table.]

Valora – Bring it on… I’ll kill you and your imaginary friend too.

Stephen Squires – Try and keep it civil ladies … and AWS Man. No need to fight here. Jade, by far, the biggest surprise for me was seeing you cash in the Ace in the Hole. Not only that, but you won the GLC. The second female, if that really matters in the grand scheme of things, but still – it’s a big accomplishment is it not?

[The shot once again focuses in on Jade.]

Jade – I think it is… Of course I knew it would be a surprise if I cashed it in at Hardcore Hell. Which is exactly why I did so. AWS Man insulting Kronin gave me the perfect chance to humble AWS Man and give Kronin a shot I feel he has earned.

[Squires quickly gathers his notes. He looks at his watch and smiles as the shot changes to an overhead look at the entire set.]

Stephen Squires – Real quickly, as we’re about to head into a break. Kronin, biggest part of the night?

Kronin – Well, the Hardcore Hell match was insane. Valora and Pyre took things to a whole ‘nother level but… I really enjoyed the GLC title match. Shame AWS Man wasn’t in the mood to give me fair competition but, oh well.

[He shrugs as AWS Man silently mocks him. The shot changes to show all 7 guests.]

Stephen Squires – Druscilla, would you agree with that?

[Druscilla nods.]

Druscilla – Yes, I suppose so. Throttling Father Nathan was… less then satisfying. Valora put on a very good performance.

Stephen Squires – Wednesday Wrestling Rag actually made that match the match of the week from what I read. So, the guys over at WWR must agree as well.

[The shot turns to show just Stephen.]

Stephen Squires – We’ll be back a bit later on tonight. Stay tuned. Coming up we’ll talk about PoP. They currently hold 5 of the 6 titles in Wrestling Midwest today. Are they too powerful? Stay tuned.

[The scene fades.]

——————

The shot opens back up backstage as Stephen Squires looks up at the camera and smiles.]

Stephen Squires – All right, and we’re back with the WMW Show here on Graveyard Shift 91. And, we’re going to start it off by talking about the Pinnacle of Power and the Daughters of Darkness. I mean, you guys can cut it any way you like, but I see both groups as being pretty united. So, let me start this off with you AWS Man – you’re the odd man out. All individual titles and one half of the MTL Champions are in either PoP or DoD. What does that mean for you, everyone sitting on the outside with you, and WMW in general?

[The shot focuses in on AWS Man. He shrugs.]

AWS Man – I’m not freakin’ happy about it, at all, obviously. But I wouldn’t be too worried about it. It’s only temporary. Next month I’ll go through both Kranky and Emerald to regain my title. And his days as half of the MTL champs are numbered too, believe you freakin’ me. As for the Paragon of Pungence themselves, they’re not going to last. Half of them don’t even like the other half. What about when Rattylsnake returns, and wants to be the leader again? You think he’ll really let Kreme Brouleil stay in, or Ryverdance? It’s a joke. TDA will outlast all of them.

[The shot zooms out to show Kronin looking at him with a smile.]

Kronin – Dude, you’re doing that ‘talking’ thing again. You should stop. You sound like less of a goof. As for the tag team belts. I got my own plans concerning these babies and I guarantee that when said plan goes through, these belts wont be leaving for a good long while.

[The shot pans back to show all 7 guests.]

Hecate – Yeah, I mean – that is if your ego’s don’t kill you first. I mean look, Evers gets so full of himself he pisses the wrong person off and gets taken out. Pyre can’t see past his own inadequacies and feeling that Valora should still be his. Umbrage is living in the past, way in the past and as for Cereal Killer over here, Pen is the smarter of the pair. TDA is showing that they are That Dismally Abysmal.

[AWS Man sticks his fingers in his ears. He backs away from the table and looks down.]

AWS Man – None of that is freakin’ true! TDA will never die! Do you hear me, God?!

Amariie – The only joke I see is sitting in a bad paintball mask and is talking to a spatula.

[Jade shakes her head and smiles as she positions the title over her shoulder.]

Jade – And now we see just why AWS Man should be let nowhere near the GLC.

Stephen Squires – Stay on topic guys. PoP… are they too powerful?

AWS Man – If by powerful you mean, um … stupidheads.

[Jade sighs and shakes her head.]

Hecate – Power is all in how you use it. If PoP ends up abusing their position, then someone will rise up like PoP did against TDA.

Amariie – The Pinnacle is made up of people who were born to lead, who were designed to hold power. It’s only natural that we have it.

AWS Man – Designed to hold my di-

[Squires clears his throat and leans into the table putting his hands together.]

Stephen Squires – Listen guys. I guess I’m just confused.

[AWS Man looks at Squires, disappointed that he just got interrupted.]

Stephen Squires – See, when this all started, at least – from my perspective as a WMW Reporter and a WMW Fan – there were two sides. The Pinnacle of Power and the good vigilantes who were trying to help WMW. Now, I’ve watched each one of you in PoP do a lot of negative things during all of this. Sure, you may get cheers here and there, but for the entire existence of PoP, they’ve been the bad guys. Now, it seems like there was a cross over. But, not PoP to the “good guys”, but the “good guys” joining PoP. Isn’t that bad for WMW and the fans here?

AWS Man – Yeah, it reminds me of something that rhymes with “scrudubbuyuoh”.

Jade – The Pinnacle of Power has always been about respect, Stephen. You and the others in WMW, who were either used to, enjoying the fruits of, or convinced nothing changed, the effects of the backstage corruption and the crap that goes on… how many people have joined this company claiming to be the next big thing? Demanding that everything be handed to them because, even though we had never heard of them, they are just that damn good like… 95% of those idiots… are no longer here. The Pinnacle takes out the trash because no one else will. Kronin, Ryven, myself… we’re siding with the Pinnacle to help the business, especially from the greedy, selfish, egomanical people trying to hold everybody down. TDA doesn’t care about anything other then their own agendas. They don’t care if WMW sinks, just as long as they’re on top when it goes under. The Pinnacle does care about things here.

[Druscilla rolls her eyes.]

Druscilla – Yes, well… we shall see how far this new… outlook gets us, won’t we?

AWS Man – Geez, this isn’t the freakin’ high school debate squad.

Jade – You mean you went to high school? Wow, the American Education system is worse then I thought.

AWS Man – Oh yeah? Well … give her a snappy comeback, Pen.

Pen -: …

[AWS Man looks at Squires nervously, before turning back to Jade.]

AWS Man – Ooooo-freakin’-oh, snap!

[AWS Man begins to laugh out loud while the others just look at him.]

Amariie – You do realize that that kitchin utensil doesn’t actually speak, right?

[AWS Man and Amariie glare at one another. Hecate shakes her head and leans forward. She looks at Druscilla.]

Hecate – Druscilla, you of all people here should know what not respecting the ‘peasants’ leads to. Besides, you want to make the ASC something? Can’t do that without respect.

AWS Man – Not to carpet-munchers, maybe. Which Umbrage said you guys totally are. Why would you freakin’ eat that stuff?

[Squires looks down trying to hold his laughter.]

Amariie – You mean he was able to put the bottle down long enough to give you the intellectual epiphiny? I wouldn’t put much stock in his ‘wisdom’.

[Hecate gives AWS Man a hard cold stare. Jade rolls her eyes.]

Jade – Well, while I’m sure Vyper, you know, my boyfriend, would be happy to see me with another girl, some male fantasy I think, I don’t do that… mostly due to a number of factors beyond your intellect.

Stephen Squires – All right – this conversation is going nowhere. We’re going into another break. But, before we go – coming up is the first match of the evening. Jack Reynolds and Shank partner up to take on That Damn Awesome, Justin Evers and Umbrage. But, Evers… I haven’t seen him? Will he be here to compete tonight? AWS Man, you’re a friend of his, as leader of That Damn Awesome. You got to know something.

AWS Man – Nope. That’s Blade’s department. And sometimes freakin’ Pen’s. Do you know anything, buddy?

[He turns to Pen.]

Pen – …

[He turns back to Squires and shrugs his shoulders.]

AWS Man – Well, there you freakin’ go.

Hecate – Pen sounds lonely.

[AWS Man snaps his head in Hecate's direction.]

AWS Man – Yeah? Well, you sound like a tramp.

[Stephen Squires sighs loudly as he begins to rustle his paperwork.]

Stephen Squires – Stay tuned. Now come on guys. I’m not asking for you guys to like each other, but can we keep on topic here?

[The scene fades as AWS Man and Hecate begin to argue.]

————-

[The shot opens back up at the WMW Show round table. Squires is looking at the camera and smiles. AWS Man is shown wiping the sweat off of his paintball mask.]

Stephen Squires – And welcome back to the WMW Show here on Wrestling Midwest Graveyard Shift 91. And, we’ve been talking with Kronin, Amariie and Druscilla, Hecate, Valora, Jade and AWS Man and…

[He turns back around towards the 7.]

Stephen Squires – …we’re going to move onto the last topic before tonight’s Main Event matchup between Hecate and Sam Hershey, as they take on Adam Allocco and Father Nathan in MTL2 competition. Now, some people would say that this is a huge deal. While, others are just shrugging this off as just good competition and the class of talent we have here. So, let me bring it to you guys. Starting with you, Kronin. All four individual titles are held by females. Is that important? Does it really matter?

[The shot focuses in on Kronin.]

Kronin – Well it’s definitely important. I mean, on one hand, it’s great for the women of WMW and it proves the level of talent we have here and it should definitely be motivation for us guys to get back in the game and elevate our own performances.

Stephen Squires – But, the idea that the titles, all 4 individual titles, are held by women. There are many critics out there that could go either way with this. But, the fact is: women aren’t separated from the men here in WMW. It’s everyone for themselves. How is 4 women holding the titles different than 4 men holding the titles?

Kronin – It’s really not, it’s as I said, good for them, given how much shit women in wrestling usually get, but it’s also motivation for us to get back into the swing of things… if you’re not a champion you should damn sure be motivated to become one, regardless of gender.

AWS Man – Oh, it’s not that freakin’ different at all.

[The shot changes to show an overhead shot of the round table.]

AWS Man – I just assume we’re sponsored by Lifetime now, and will have to start promoting Maxipads.

Amariie – Well, it shouldn’t be different, but the generalized view that women are ‘weaker’ than men will turn this into a big deal.

Hecate – Men have an ingrained belief that women are weaker and have far less skill than men do when it comes to ‘Male-defined’ activities and roles. It’s really a shame how certain religions and cultures have corrupted society as a whole.

Kronin – Yeah… anyone who has caught one of Jade’s feet in their face… or anywhere else on their body knows that isn’t always true.

[Jade smiles.]

AWS Man – Oh, they just tickle … a lot. So much that I freakin’ fall down and it might seem like I’m hurt, but I’m really laughing on the inside.

[Hecate shakes her head with a smile.]

Hecate – You could always ask Dean Williams or Masahiro about that. Oh, wait… they aren’t around anymore

Jade – Oh well then if it brings you joy, perhaps I should kick you more often. I am here to help, after all.

AWS Man – I’d like to see you freakin’ try! … But not literally. And definitely not right now.

[Amariie raises her hand.]

Amariie – I’d like to see it right now.

[AWS Man looks over to Amariie and shakes his head. She lowers her hand.]

AWS Man – No one’s talking to you, Armadillo.

Stephen Squires – Well, with the titles in PoP and on women, I mean… what’s the next step? Amariie and Druscilla winning the MTL Championships?

Druscilla – You bet your bloody arse we’re winning the MTL, Sonny Jim. There is not one team that can or will stop us this time. Especially since the current champs seem to be a bit divided.

AWS Man – What? Maybe you weren’t freakin’ paying attention to what just happened out there. Now that Umbrage and I are back together, we’re guaran-freakin’-teed to win. And then it looks like we’ll have AWS Man/Kronin vs. AWS Man/Umbrage II… Hmmm, somehow I don’t really feel like fighting AWS Man this time.

[Kronin sits for a moment and nods his head.]

Kronin – Yeah, now all you two need to do is stop Valora and Videogame, and Dru and Amariie here and then I’ll kick the crap outta both of you two.

Valora – I love this arguing. They can all argue whose second best when Videogame and I kick everybody’s ass and move into the title picture.

AWS Man – Oh man, I wish TDA hadn’t already fought you guys. I’d really love to pull a Shank and slap Gameboy’s face off his freakin’ face.

Valora – Funny… I was just thinkin about how much I’d like to Shank you.

Stephen Squires – Too much information, guys. Come on, keep it civil.

[Kronin laughs.]

Kronin – Now, that there… was pretty funny.

[Hecate grins suddenly, almost giddy.]

Hecate – There is still alot left of the MTL, but expect the unexpected. Someone will be delivered to Hades when they least expect it.

Stephen Squires – There is a lot left in MTL2. We still have a lot of great teams in the picture here.

[He looks down at his watch.]

Stephen Squires – All right, we’ll we’re just about out of time. I know Hecate needs to prepare for her upcoming match. Once again, main event, in just a few moments. Hershey and Hecate vs. Allocco and Father Nathan. Let’s get some predictions. AWS Man, out of both teams – who wins?

AWS Man – Who freakin’ cares? Those happen to be the two teams left that Umbrage and I need to face. After we destroy both of them, they won’t even matter anymore.

Hecate – I’ll make sure to leave a walker out for you and Umbrage so you can make it down to the ring when you face us.

Stephen Squires – Kronin?

Kronin – I’d have to say…

[He looks at Hecate and then back towards Stephen.]

Kronin – Hecate and Hershey, though it’s a close call. I used to team with Hershey and he and I had some fun times together, I know he can get it done, he’s just been in a spot of bad luck lately.. Hecate is well, just been really impressive since coming here and on the other team… Father Nathan impresses me but… I’ve seen a lot of mouth running from Allocco and not much else. I think it’s basically Father Nathan in a handicap match tonight.

Valora – Father Nathan aint got enough miracles in that cross of his to carry Allocco’s ass to the promised land… just like his college, Notre Dame… Allocco and Father Nathan… fall short and stay home from the playoffs.

Hecate – I just wonder which Hershey I will get tonight, it could very well be me having to carry the team once again.

Jade – I look forward to a quality match… I have no vested interest in the match though.

Stephen Squires – Well, good luck Hecate. And, once again, congratulations to both Hecate and Jade, both enter tonight as new Champions. And thank you all for joining the WMW Show. Let’s turn it back over to Graveyard Shift 91.

AWS Man – You’re all freakin’ welcome for me saving this chat from being incredibly boring.

[The scene fades.]

Tessa: “So…why PCW?”

Miss USA: “Because, for some reason they really wanted me to be there.  During my last days at DWF, I heard a rumor that PCW’s head booker Enrico Palazzo had contacted them to pitch an exit angle…”

EW TorchCenter for Monday June 29th
Hosts: Johnny Suave and ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin

Suave: “Greetings and salutations…Johnny Suave with you tonight on a Monday edition of EW TorchCenter.  To my right, the lovely Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin.

Tessa: “Hey everyone.  We’ve got my exclusive interview with new PCW wrestler Miss USA…that just seems weird to say…”

Suave: “True.”

Tessa: “We’ll have that interview a bit later and we’ll find out who this week’s E-Wrestler of the week is.  But first…

DREAM WRESTLING FEDERATION SLAUGHTER 9

Tessa: “Down at the Bi-Lo Center in Greenville, South Carolina, DWF Slaughter hit the airwaves last night. 

Mike Polowy dreams of wearing two belts- the DWF Women’s and Tag Team belts.  But Level One informs him that they won’t be wrestling Team Danger tonight.

Lupin Cy vs. Havoc
After Havoc injured Cy’s foot with an ankle lock, he goes for the kill…

(Courtesy of Dream Wrestling Federation)
….”Havoc charges the possibly injured Lupin Cy.”

Lupin sidesteps, rolls behind Havoc placing his arms up under Havoc’s and putting him into a Full Nelson type lock. As quickly as he locks it it, he lifts and drops Havoc sideways……

And that was that for Havoc.  Lupin Cy with the win and then he unloads on DWF bringing in outside talent for the tour.

……”The entire point of this tour has been made painfully obvious. Those of us of the DWF persuasion are not on the Path to Glory to defend ourselves individually. A very selective group of vagrants and blow-hards are beginning to make us all believe that this is all about the DWF defending itself.”

The crowd finally begins to cheer in approval of the Lupin-led message.

“I know this may be a raging cliché to most of you but it’s the best I could think of when I say . . .”

The crowd freezes in silence of the brief pause.

“I’M GOING TO HELL . . . WHO’S COMING WITH ME!?!”……

T-Money vs. Pierce vs. Antonio Lopez
T-Money wins the three way dance with his Stardom finisher to get the win.

Owen Manton vs. Myles Jake
Manton made an unwanted visit to Jake’s wife who’s in the hospital earlier in the night.

…..Owen Manton: “I feel for you. Seriously. It must be devestating, to be sick of watching your old f**ckin’ husband drop the ball in every area of his life. To think, he continues to recite a title reign in a dead company, that is notable only because it was the shortest title reign in the dead companies history.”…….

Suffice to say, Jake was quite upset. 

……Owen Manton angrily lifts Jake to his feet. He places him in a suplex lock and lifts vertically.

“Vertical suplex, NO! MYLES JAKE COMES DOWN BEHIND OWEN MANTON!”

He grabs his head, and twist, falling at the same time.

“Inverted neck breaker!”

The fans go crazy……

But on this night, neither Jake nor Manton would gain the upper hand.  A double clothesline sent both men out and the match went to a double countout.

Jak Nemesis vs. Level-One
Late in the match, Mike Polowy comes out and whispers to Nemesis.  Then Polowy, Nemesis, and Level-One leave the ring together leaving everyone wonder what they’re up to.

Mike Polowy vs. Eric Payne
….”Mike Polowy lifts both legs of Eric Payne up. Wait, what…”

He pulls back enough that Eric Payne is lifted off of the mat. Polowy struggles a bit but is able to step foreword twice, placing his legs over Payne’s arms. he jumps and falls foreword.

“THE MIKE EFFECT ON ERIC PAYNE!”….

Polowy continues his reign of terror over DWF by dispatching of Eric Payne.  Then, he gets on the mic and delivers another one of his classic stemwinding promos:

‘’I shouldn’t booed. I should be cheered. I am saving the women’s championship; I am changing the face of the women’s division as we know it. No longer will it be associated with big pretty lips and make up, or long hair and fake eyelashes—and heck if you even look at these women’s faces anyways…’’ Mike Polowy snarls, as Level-One shakes his head back and forth in the background trying to contain his enjoyment. ‘’If women really had any intentions on becoming world champions, they wouldn’t go on diets. They wouldn’t care about their zero, and negative figures. They would focus on making the weight and paying their dues like everyone else. But face it—this division was nothing more than a beauty contest. A swimsuit show off; a fashion run way, this division was as about as pathetic as feminists’’…

And then, Polowy took it up another notch…

…‘’Before we get this contest on the way, I thought I’d fill these ladies into something tonight…’’ he says turning to the women who wave at him and smile. ‘’Ladies, you aren’t competeting in a bikini contest like I had originally had told you. No, you women will compete a WRESTLING match with Mike Polowy’’ The women look at each-other in confusion, while Level-One immediately calls for the bell. ‘’…and the match starts, NOW!’’

Mike Polowy doesn’t hesitate as he rushes towards the first he girl he sees. A blond, big tits, nice ass and could give awesome head—nothing more to her really. He quickly trips her up, grabs her legs, turns her over and locks her into Mplowsion sharpshooter maneuver! The seven other ladies quickly scatter from the ring, while Level-One has reached over grabbing a brunette by her hair, the other six manage to escape up the ramp, nearly breaking their ankles by running with their heels. Level-One watches as Mike Polowy submits with women with ease and the ring bell is signaled, but Mike Polowy refuses to let go.

‘’Are you kidding me!’’ Level-One roars into the microphone as he holds a cute Asian girl by the hair—the fans have gone ape-shit, but their boos do very little to stop the pair. ‘’This is what you strong powerful women are made out of, plastic and cyclone?’’ He says before clothes lining the brunette, before locking up her legs and locking in the House of Pain; her legs nearly touch the back of her head as he tries to break her apart, Mike still holds in his sharpshooter maneuver not too far away from him.

‘’I guess we’ll have some better luck next time’’ Mike Polowy shouts as he wrenches back and the hold; the blonde escort has already passed out….

Tessa shakes her head in dismay. 

Tessa: “Nice, Mike.  Really nice.   Just remember, payback is a bitch…”

Rich Mahogany with  Madga Van Doom vs. Team Danger (Stephen Greer and Tyrone Walker with Kelly Evans)
Mahogany rolls out of the ring to the outside. Van Doom goes to check on him as Kelly Evans plays the crowd for Team Danger.

“Rich Mahogany may want to chalk this one up as a loss and go home. I’m unsure how much more the love machine can take.”

The camera pans over to see Mike Polowy and Level-One coming from the back.

“What’s this?”

They slide into the ring and attack the champions.

“The referee calls for the bell as The Mike Effect and level-One come to Rich Mahogany’s aid.”

Polowy exchanges punches with Tyrone Walker as level-One boots Stephen greer.

“Heavy chop to the chest of the World Champion by Level-One. Polowy pushes Walker back, leaps, dropkick!”

Level-One grabs Greer.

“Belly to belly suplex, allowing Level-One to display his strength.”

On the outside, Rich mahogany is up. He grabs the chair from under the time keeper.

“Mahogany ready to deliver some pay back as he rolls into the ring with that chair.”

Polowy and Level-One stomp the champions and cheer Mahogany on. They lift the World Champion, Stephen Greer, to his knees and hold him for Mahogany.

“A devilish grin comes across Mahogany’s face.”

He lifts the chair, places it on Greer’s forehead and pulls all the way back.

“And he swings!”

Instead of hitting Greer, he redirects the shot last minute, cracking the skull of mike Polowy.

“MY GOD! WHAT A SHOT!”

Mahogany spins, swinging and connecting with Level-One. A sicking thud is heard.

“I don’t understand.”

Mahogany drops the chair and smiles at the bodies laying in the ring. Both Kelly Evans and Magda Van Doom enter the ring.

“Team Danger to their feet.”

All three men, and both women raise each others arms in victory.

Tessa: “The dreaded swerve catches Polowy and Level-One totally be surprise and this week, the DWF regulars stand tall.  Johnny?”

Suave: “Tess.  We were hoping to have the highlights from Genocidal Wrestling Organization’s Theater of Destruction from last night- but we don’t.  Hopefully, we’ll have it tomorrow.  In the meantime, here’s the card:

———-

GWO Theater of Destruction
Sunday, June 28th live from the U.S. Cellular Arena in Milwaukee, Wisconsin!

*UNDERCARD*
Hyan Borg vs. The Eagle-Loser Leaves Town Match

Dylan Wolfe vs. Padraig Lawler- Hardcore match

Tommy Glass vs. Three Unknown Wrestlers- Handicap Match

****MAIN EVENT****
Shawn FX vs. Ryan Maxem vs. Alex Cameron vs. Kenny Kapowski
Extreme Elimination Experience (3E) with the winner becoming the No. 1 Contender for Tommy Glass’ GWO Global Championship

—————–

FANS WRESTLING ORGANIZATION MELTDOWN-DAY ONE

Suave: “All right, now to the FWO.  Yesterday was day one of FWO Meltdown and here were the results:

Match #1 “The Devil’s Advocate” Dave Morey defeats Ruben Ross in a handicap match
Match #2 Lowell Dot Com turns heel, uses a steel folding chair, and wins a match, upsetting Impulse
Match #3 Fairview Reed…WON A MATCH!   HE WON A MATCH!  Reed goes over High Flyer and saves his job.
Match #4 Michelle Masters with Robert Tanaka retains the FWO Cruiserweight title by defeating Xin Xin Xuong
Match #5 Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfenden) retain the FWO Tag Team belts by defeating Team VIAGRAv2 (Mary-Lynn Mayweather & David Noble) vs. Spike Saunders & Callie Urban vs. Legion of Dairy (egg NOG & cHEESE)  Alias gets Noble with the Anarchy Lullaby.
Match #6 Keith Scott Zimmerman (w/Allison) defeats “Superstar” Vince Jacobs  in an Internet Title vs. #1 Contendership for World Championship match.
Match #7 The Flying Frenchie nails a guillotine leg drop on a chair to defeat killjoy

Suave: “Ted Caldweller has a more thorough review of day one of FWO Meltdown: Caldweller’s FWO Meltdown Day 1 Live Report
…or you can check out the action at FWO: FWO Meltdown Day One

——————

MISS USA INTERVIEW- PART ONE

Tessa: “At one time, she was considered to be one of the brightest rising stars in women’s e-wrestling.  Then came a humiliating two week stretch where she quit DWF, signed on with HOW, and left without even one match.  Now, she’s preparing for a fresh start in an unlikely place- PCW.  Of course, we’re talking about Miss USA…”

The patriotic tune by Bruce Springsteen, “Born in the USA” pipes up from the loud speakers shaking the rafters. The crowd is on their feet!

Bell: Ding! Ding! Ding!

A well tanned athletic young woman wearing red, white, and blue bursts from behind the curtain carrying Ol’ Glory. She smiles as she high fives several of the fans. As she walks by she spots a young girl and pauses for a moment, hugging her as the camera zooms in. She waves the flag back and forth for the fans. She also waves her free hand to her fellow Americans seating further back and gestures to everyone taking in the festivities from the upper decks. Chants of USA! USA! USA! begin.

Cut to Tessa and Miss USA…

Tessa: “That’s a pretty impressive entrance.”

Miss USA: “Thank you.”

Tessa: “You’ve had quite the last couple of weeks.  What have you learned from this experience?”

Miss USA: “Hmmm…it has been quite the learning experience.  I don’t know, Tess.  I look back at it now and realize a number of things I could have done differently.”

Tessa: “Like what?”

Miss USA: “Well?  I think you said it last week on your commentary.  There’s a right way and a wrong way to do business in this industry.  I did not handle things in the best way.  I got caught up in a whirlwind of events that totally overwhelmed me.”

Tessa: “Is that why you announced you were pregnant?”

Miss USA: “Yes.  Keep in mind that I’m a small town girl at heart.  Haines City, Florida isn’t the largest city in the world.  I…well…I screwed up.  The whole thing with DWF was coming to a head and I wasn’t ready to wrestle at HOW yet.  So, yeah, I said I was pregnant and hoped it would give me some space to collect myself.  Not one of my brighter moves.”

Tessa: “And DWF’s exit angle?”

Miss USA: “I…don’t even want to talk about that…”

Tessa:  “I thought it was just gratuitious.  I found the exit angle the DWF came up with to be questionable at the least and insulting and demeaning at the most.  I would never have agreed to do that angle.”

Miss USA: “Thank goodness Dawn McGill was there.”

Tessa: “Speaking of McGill.  So…why PCW?”

Miss USA: “Because, for some reason they really wanted me to be there.  During my last days at DWF, I heard a rumor that PCW’s head booker Enrico Palazzo had contacted them to pitch an exit angle for me that would have eventually elevated Kelly Evans or Stevie Swing.  Dawn just happened to be at the show and came in to talk with me beforehand.  That’s when William Peters came in.”

Tessa: “What are PCW’s plans for you?”

Miss USA: “You’re guess is as good as mine.  All I know is after I’m done talking to you, I’m being sent to New Braunfels, Texas for the week to rest up.  I’m going to take in a couple shows at Gruene Hall- that’s an old school Texas dancehall and just forget about wrestling for a week…”

Part two tomorrow night.

———————-

Johnny Suave’s “HOLY CRAP!” Moment of the Week!

Suave: “This week…we have a tie.  You’ll see why in a second.  First though…Genesis Pro Play Dead Live Pay Per view.  ‘The Natural’ Sean Tyler against James ‘BigTrouble’ Kendrick.  Steel cage match.

…Kendrix gets the upper hand, slamming Tyler’s head into the cage wall. He looks up to the top of the cage and smiles. Kendrix shouts to Tyler, You’re going for a long fall!]

Eddy Roth – Is Kendrix going to drop Tyler from the top of the cage? That would be…amazing!

[Kendrix wraps his right arm around Tyler's left leg and hoists him onto the top of the cage. Tyler's dangling upside-down, his mid-section draped on the cage wall.]

Joe Gardner – Wait, Kendrix is going to drop Tyler head-first to the floor! This would be a savage attack!

[Kendrix pushes on Tyler's feet, trying to propel him over the top of the cage. Tyler at last comes to and meets Kendrix with some resistance. Kendrix ascends to the top rope to make the push easier, but he's met with a kick to the head! Kendrix grabs the cage to keep his balance and shake the cobwebs loose, but he gets kicked again. Tyler takes the opportunity to regain his balance, and...]

Joe Gardner – Sean Tyler is standing on top of the cage!

[Tyler leaps off, executing a 180* spin and landing on Kendrix' shoulders. In one fluid motion, Tyler falls back, taking Kendrix headfirst to the mat with him.]

Joe Gardner – DOWN TO EARTH! Sean Tyler just took James Kendrix down all the way from the top rope, and Kendrix’ head bounced off the mat!…

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

…[Kendrix is lifeless and face-down on the mat, but Tyler immediately stirs, pointing to his downed opponent. Manfred Lewis rushes to Kendrix and tries to get his attention, receiving no response…

Suave: “Okay, moment number two…from Thursday night’s HOW Turmoil show…

HOW cameras stay focused in on the bodies of Darkwing and Aceldama who both just fell 41 feet thru burning tables.

Suddenly the HOV comes to life and we see Lee Best freaking out…

Lee Best: I AM CHANGING THE RULES….WE ARE NOW MAKING THIS MATCH A …

WHACK

A leg comes outta nowhere and kicks Lee right in the head which sends the owner of HOW over the back of his wheel chair and sends Kirsta down to the ground. She quickly jumps up and gets in the face of the person that just kicked Lee Best…

Joe Hoffman: BOBBINETTE CAREY???!!!!!!

The crowd is in a frenzy as Carey and Lewis are nose to nose……

Carey starts to walk away but then turns back towards Kirsta…

Joe Hoffman: WHAT THE FUCK???????????

Benny Newell: WHAT THE FUCK???????????

As Turmoil goes off the air we see the final image……

Bobbinette Carey planting a hard kiss on the lips of Kirsta Lewis!!!

Suave: “Sigh…I could watch that over…and over…and ov-”

Tessa: “All right, we get the point.  It’s now time for the E-Wrestler of the Week!”

——————-

E-WRESTLER OF THE WEEK for the week of June 21 to June 27:

Honorable Mention:

AWS Man and Kronin (WMW)- Won the Wrestling Midwest MTL title over AWS Man and Umbridge

Druscilla (WMW)- became the new Ace Superior Champion defeating Kronin, Mr. Hero, and Fury in a Widowmakers Mountain match.

Adrian Tanner Jr. and Cecil Kennedy aka NextWave (ICWF) outlast PPD, ‘Nuff Said, and the Rossis to become the first ICWF TV Tag Team Champions

Dan Filat (Siberian Wrestling)- wins the Voyle Championship, taking two out of three falls from John Q. Everyguy to take the title

’Beautiful’ Bobby Dean (Hostility) won back the Hostility Extreme Champion title over Hooligan with a Starstruck finisher.##

E-WRESTLER OF THE WEEK:
5. Keith Scott Zimmerman (FWO)- got the pinfall in the 6 person tag team FWO Match of Champions match on Krow.

4. Andrei Sorokov (Siberian Wrestling) defeated Olivia Quinn in an I Quit match at Siberian Wrestling Battlefront, found his granddaughter, all is well.

3. Tommy Glass (GWO)- wins GWO title over ‘Totally Bored’ Hyan Borg.

2. Acadian Wrestling Atlantic Champion and XOW Heavyweight Champion Ronnie McNeil (AW and XOW) and AW “King of Kings” Champion ‘The Angel of Hate’ Joshua Baker.  McNeil reverses Aaron ‘A-List’Shepherd’s Suplex attempt into an Ace Crusher to defeat defeat NWA World Heavyweight Championship Cam Eustis and Shepherd.

1. Sean ‘The Natural’ Tyler (Genesis Pro) hits incredible move to beat James ‘Big Trouble’ Kendrick in a steel cage match.

Brock is an interesting character and his evolution from that clean cut baby face way back in the early 2000’s to the culture shocking vigilante we’ve seen of late.  Through personal adversity and business adversity he’s a diamond with many facets.  A rough diamond?  Yes.  You could say that, but he’s a diamond nonetheless.

In the want for bringing some more to ewtorch.com, since Teddy and I have put our hands in our pockets with the dot com and the like, I wanted to add a little more through some interviews with guys and straight off the bat, I knew I’d love to pick the mind of someone I’ve been close with over the years.  I managed to get some time with the One-Armed Wrecking Crew and I promise, I tried to remain as bias as I possibly could but sometimes with friends it’s not so easy.  I can guarantee I’m probably the only one who is able to unlock the monster that is Shepherd since we’re so close as friends.

Without further adieu I’d like to welcome you all to my newest ewtorch.com column…

Non-HMO Elective Quizzical Surgery: (Don’t call me Brock) Shepherd.

Morton Murphy (MM): Brock, we’ve known each other for so long.  I just knew when I was going to do this that I had to get under your skin first.

Shepherd (Shep): [laughs] Shit, Morty.  Me an’ you known each other for the longest of times.  I remember runnin’ into you at Action! Wrestlin’.  What were you doin’ again?  Runnin’ cables behind the camera man?

MM: [laughs] Embarrassingly… yes.

Shep: We all gotta start somewhere right?

MM: Cue segway… and you got your start in EWA, right?

Shep: Right.  Shit.  That was a long time ago, Morty.  “Version 6.9” Brock Shepherd I called myself.  Everybody got cheap pops for the numbers 6 and 9 so closely bound together I couldn’t refuse.

MM: All-American.  Clean cut.  Blue chip.  All those words come to mind.

Shep: Morty, quit shillin’ my shit, man.  Yeah.  I was pretty clean those days, was green as a fucken Muppet frog, too.  They saw my potential and gimme the ball so I ran with it.

MM: Three Intercontinental title runs.  That’s nothing to sneeze at.

Shep: Well, thank-you.  I guess not.  I busted my ass back then, puttin’ my body on the line time and time again, with no regard for my own health.  Won me over with the fans.  Got me a contract into Action! Wrestling in the end.  I guess in my old age I’ve kinda gotten a little bit meaner and a little bit more careful with what I do to my body.

MM: You mentioned Action! Wrestling.  That place really changed you as a person.

Shep: We talkin’ figuratively or physically, Morty?  Coz it’s no secret I lost my paw there.

MM: Well, that does bring up some points, Brock.  I wanted to ask you some questions about that but I know it’s a touchy subject.  Your injury in the HardCase feud.  That’s certainly a turning point in your life.

Shep: See, things might’ve turned out a little different if Fiend hadn’t gotten himself involved so heavily like he did.

MM: There were rumours circulating on the Internet about Fiend having gone too far.  Can you tell us what was supposed to happen in that segment?

Shep: Fiend was s’posed to come out and send me a warnin’ from HardCase.  Invalid I think he was callin’ himself at the time.  He was s’posed to knock me out with the Butterfly Effect.  Like some sorta Arn Anderson spinebuster or somethin’.  And he did the job.  But after that he went and broke my hand.  People said he was gonna stomp my hand coz it’d push his mob-style gimmick.  I was never one for stoppin’ another guy’s push so I agreed since he was pushin’ me an’ HardCase’s program.

MM: But he went too far?

Shep: Went way too far.  I was tryin’ my ass off to sell the KO but when that mother fucker stomped my paw, I felt three bones snappin’.

MM: Yet you went on with the program?

Shep: Damn straight I went on with it.  It was my big chance.  I was tryin’ to build my name in A!, Morty.  Steppin’ out in the middle of a feud wasn’t never my deal.  I always saw through what I started.

MM: And the pay-per-view.  Up on the Action!Tron.  Bound to HardCase with the handcuffs.  Tell me what went through your mind.

Shep: First thing I thought, when I fell, was “we’re both dead”.  I thought we were both gonna break our backs but somehow, HardCase hung on.  Can’t say I blame him.  I’d probably do the same damn thing.

MM: I can’t imagine dangling by my wrist for so long.  Especially with my hand already broken.

Shep: It was a pain I don’t think I could ever imagine.  I mean, first thing I thought was I’ve broken it worse.  But it was far worse than I ever could have imagined.  My hand was a mess right inside that cast, Morty.  It was destroyed inside that cast.  The doctor cut it open and he said that bones had severed through tendons and ligaments and there weren’t nothin’ he could do to get it back up and running.  They talked about pig tendons and monkey parts and shit but I wasn’t for that.  I didn’t want no animal’s bits and bobs in my fucken hand, Morty.  So they gave me the offer of tryin’ with the animal bits or cut it off.  Even with the animal bits they couldn’t say if it’d work again so it was off with the hand.

MM: Just like that?

Shep: Just like that.

MM: Can I share with you some of the Internet rumours of the time that were floating around?

Shep: [laughs] Definitely.

MM: “Brock Shepherd had his hand removed to get out of his Action! Wrestling contract.”

Shep: [laughs] Wow. That’s rich.  Seein’ that I was on a pay-per-appearance / developmental deal at the time, that makes no sense.  That’s the thing about news sites, Morty.  They report on what they wanna report on.

MM: Not the Torch, Brock.

Shep: [laughs] DEFINITELY not the Torch.  [laughs]

MM: “Brock Shepherd had his hand amputated for a pirate gimmick with the Asylum.”

Shep: [laughs] A pirate?  The fuck kinda rumour is that.  And Asylum ain’t my cup of tea.  ‘specially after what happened to me.  Last thing I’d wanna do is get Villam Endered.

MM: “Brock Shepherd fired by Action! Wrestling’s Reed Young for not upholding contracted appearances.”

Shep: Like I said, was getting’ paid-per-appearance.  Me and Reed never had any problems backstage.  The guy sent me a whole stack of flowers when I had my surgery with a spot held for me if I were ever healthy enough to get back in the ring.  Young and me never had any grievances.

MM: But you were able to get back in the ring.  Despite losing your hand.

Shep: Talk a long time, Morty.  A long, long time.  Fact is… I never thought I’d get inside a wrestlin’ ring again.  I thought the minute the doc chopped that fucker off that I was gonna have to go on benefits or somethin’ for the rest of my life.

MM: But you didn’t.  You fought on.  Got back on your feet and back in the ring.

Shep: I was with April Monday at the time.  Me and her brother, Augie, sat down and thought about the moves I could do without havin’ another grappling hand.  Took a long time.  See, some folks out there don’t really understand what it’s like to have a move set you rely on.  They don’t understand that having a move set is like a business analyst havin’ his computer set up all nice with the applications he needs.  With his emails set-up and all his bookmarks saved in Firefox.  Let’s say that business analyst was told he wasn’t allowed to use the Internet to do his job.  That’s what losing your move set is like.  It took me a long time to get back inside the ring.  To have the means and ends of your financials stricken from you, it’s a weird feelin’.  But me and Augie, we got down to business and figured out I couldn’t do a vertical suplex as good as I could do a capture suplex or a German suplex.  I couldn’t do a brainbuster but I sure as Hell could do a one armed Samoan drop.  Things like that.

MM: You certainly benefited from having the bulk and size.  I think a lighter guy wouldn’t be able to have survived losing their hand.

Shep: Morty, when I had my hand taken away from me I certainly lost a lotta beef, yeah?  I lost probably thirty-five (35) pounds, man.  I was like a rake.  I had to put it back on.  I had to tone up again and gain some strength back.  Some muscle back.  I obviously couldn’t hoist dumbbells up with righty [Brock shakes his prosthetic] but I could put it in a little sling and use a pulley.  Everything I did in life needed to be reconsidered and reconfigured, I guess you could say.  Opening a bottle of Coke.  I gotta sit down and stick it between my thighs and twist the cap off.

MM: And I’m sure a stubborn, independent guy like you would never dream of asking anybody for help.

Shep: You read me like a book, Morty. [laughs] I couldn’t bring myself to askin’ nobody to wipe my ass or tie my shoe.  You improvise.  Velcro shoes.  They sure make some cool lookin’ trainers these days.  Pull on boots.  If it needs lacin’… it’s stayin’ on the shelf.  At home I use a little pincher hook thing that needs a little manual assistance from my left hand to get goin’ but it works fine and helps with some things.  I had to learn how to write all over agan.  I tell ya, becomin’ the devil’s chosen left hander is somethin’ else altogether.

MM: You mentioned April Monday.  She’s played a big role in your life, Brock.  She’s given you a child but you guys are no longer together.

Shep: I don’t really wanna talk about April, Morty.  I mean, yeah, April and I had a lot of good times together but we’re not really on speaking terms so much these days.  We’ve both got separate lives.

MM: And your son… do you get to see much of him?

Shep: Don’t get to see him at all.

MM: A court ruled in favour of April Monday as the sole custodian of Adam, Brock.  How did that make you feel?

Shep: How the [censor] do you think it made me feel, Morty?  Can we drop this?

MM: People wanna know about this side of Brock Shepherd.

Shep: Well, I don’t wanna tell ‘em, Mort.  Maybe we should wrap things up.

MM: Let’s move along, okay?  Tell me about Adam Dick.  The Illustrious Face-Eater.

Shep: See, people don’t understand where reality and kayfabe mix together sometimes.  I’m just leaving it at that.

MM: So you’re alleging that Adam Dick tried to steal your girlfriend from you AND delivered your child.  I find that hard to believe.

Shep: What’s real and what’s not are sometimes never two different things, Morty.  What’s come between Adam and I is water under the bridge.  I respect him as the professional that he is and we’re past anything that might circumvent that relationship, Morty.

MM: I’m just saying, if someone was trying to adulterate my girlfriend I’d be a little pissed off.

Shep: Well maybe I was pissed off at the time.  I realised I had bigger burdens to bear and Adam Dick is just a minnow trying to swim upstream in surging river current, Morty.  Our relationship is purely professional, we don’t speak outside of Just Wrestling.

MM: Speaking of Just Wrestling, you were the prime suspect in what Albany police seemed to think was a homicide, Brock.  Just Wrestling employee, Samantha Gideon, was found in a Motel 6 hotel room with her hand cut off and in the arms of yourself.

Shep: I was acquitted.  The case didn’t even go to trial, Morty.  I was a suspect and that’s all.  They said she committed suicide and what the police says is final.

MM: I just think it’s a little bit weird, you know?  A right hand being cut off.  Do you think someone might’ve been out to get you.

Shep: I don’t recall.  I regret that I’d partaken in some drugs and alcohol to celebrate a monument in my return to wrestling, Morty.

MM: I just think it’s weird that the same hand you’re missing is removed from this girl-

Shep: What are you trying to say?  You trying to go 60 Minutes on me, old friend?

MM: I’m just looking over the clues and putting together conclusions.

Shep: That’s been done already.  Cops did that in Albany.  They don’t need some Internet smark doin’ their detective work.

MM: Okay.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to offend you.

Shep: Well, you did.  Havin’ your good name dragged through the mud is nothing to be taken lightly, Morty.  I went through some tough times through wrestling and the general public in the period the investigation into Samantha’s death took place.  You know what it’s like reading newspapers and Internet sites tellin’ you that you’re a killer?  It ain’t nice, Morty.  I’d prefer to drop the subject.

MM: That’s fine.  We’ll move along.  On that same day, however, you won the Just Wrestling Championship title from Judas Crippen.  This was a few weeks after you losing to Judas Crippen.  A big turn around.

Shep: I walked into Just Wrestling thinking I was a big shot still.  I hadn’t fully got my head around being in the Independent scene.  I had to look at the way I carried myself.  Look at what the New York and Jersey fans were wantin’.  Made some changes to myself and stepped up.

MM: The second tour, the time you were champion, you remained undefeated.  A feat only recently met by Violence Jack in the tour which just wrapped up.  Five in a row is a big deal.

Shep: No, Morty.  Eight in a row is a big deal.  Come talk to me about Violence Jack when he’s eight in a row.  I was on a roll.  The people were on my side and the world was my oyster.  I’d finally found my feet and good things were happening for me.

MM: Including a PRIME contract.

Shep: Including a PRIME contract.  When I lost the title I was in another mindset.  I didn’t quite realize what had happened until it was gone.  And I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

MM: You lost it to current ACW World Champion, Max Danger.

Shep: That I did.  Tim Shipley called me up and told me about a Christmas show special he wanted to do.  That he needed me there as I was Just Wrestling Champion.  I was in the middle of trying to patch things up with April.  The title changed hands and Danger took himself a little souvenir.

MM: Armsy McDanger?

Shep: If that’s what he’s calling it.  I thought it was Handy Andy.  [laughs]

MM: [laughs] I don’t mean to laugh.

Shep: Why not?  It’s funny.  Max and I planned the whole work.  He had a whole other place he wantin’ to take himself and I’ve never been one to stand in the way of another guy gettin’ over.  Shit.  Max and I go all the way back to Action! Wrestling, but I bet if you ask him he’ll never even remember I was there.

MM: PRIME was a strange deal.  What happened there?

Shep: Well, it was all kinda funny.  I got in there around the time of some tournament to get some shot at their Universal title.  It was a fed wide and invitational type of deal and is really some tournament.  The best of the best in PRIME and the Indy scene get involved.  It’s something else entirely.  Anyways… my manager, Harry Balkin… you know Harry.

MM: I do.  We worked together in Spinebuster and BRAND.

Shep: Same asshole.  Anyways, Balkin was rorting the system. He was skimmin’ off the top of me and a bunch of other guys he was involved with.  You go speak with JLV or August Monday, we were being managed by Balkin at one time or another.  He was makin’ himself filthy rich over the years.  Augie got out years ago after Kage fell through but there’s a whole list of guys he ripped off.  And the IRS caught up with him.

MM: What’s this gotta do with PRIME?

Shep: Wrestling companies and the IRS go together like birds and lawn mower blades, Morty.  As soon as the IRS were trekkin’ through my empty bank accounts and Balkin’s they knew no good could come of this.  PR stunt?  Maybe.  I was the one who suffered.

MM: PRIME are the actual owners of the “Brock Shepherd” name, right?

[ED NOTE: You might have noticed me calling him “Brock”.  Shepherd’s real name is Brock Aardson and we’re on a first name basis so naturally I’ll call him his real name.  PRIME, unsharpen those suing pencils!]

Shep: Right.  They trademarked it.  Same as when I left Action!  I couldn’t use “Version 6.9” no more, but as it turns out the wrestling fans got older and the only time they wanna see those numbers together these days is in the bedroom.

MM: And thus the re-birth.  Going by the name of “Shepherd”.

Shep: Yup.  Here I am.  Shepherd.

MM: Did you toss up other names?

Shep: I tossed around a few.  Thought about going by my real name but it really doesn’t have that ring to it, does it?  Aardson?

MM: Could work.  Rumour has it you were contemplating “Hook Shepherd”.

Shep: I was actually.  It was kind of a tribute to a writer I really enjoy.  Lee Child.  He wrote this book about a guy who was a multi-millionaire but crooked as a lawyers cock.  His name was Hook somethin’.  Shit my memory’s bad.  Anyways… I liked the idea of the character and was lookin’ into a heel turn so it kinda fitted.

MM: Who talked you out of that car crash?

Shep: Adam Dick actually.  We were talking about my return to wrestling and I was talking through the idea and he just plain said “No”.  There’s not many guy’s who front up with honesty in this biz, Dick is refreshing.  Tells it like it is.

MM: Recently you appeared on All-Star Championship Wrestling.  At Legends III and the two successive Courage’s afterward.  Was this a work with Danger?

Shep: Danger and I had grown quite the relationship between the pair of us down in Just Wrestling, Mort.  We wanted to do something which finished our story.  Since I got shut down in a major way with the whole Balkin / IRS fiasco.  We had a story we were building up and we couldn’t just let it go unsaid.  We worked it out and it kinda fit that way.  ACW was the place.

MM: For Armsy McDanger.

Shep: Danger winning the ACW World title has nothing to do with me.  Those guys run a pretty tight ship in Montreal.  It’s something I’d enjoy being a part of but right at this time ACW doesn’t fit my loyalties and I don’t fit into their programs.  We were lucky enough to get out three shows to push our feud and finish things off.

MM: With that ladder match.  Sources say you’re scared of heights.

Shep: You can hit me with a pane of glass.  Hit me with a baseball bat coated in barbed wire.  Do whatever but the minute I get any higher than the second rope I’m quaking in my boots.  After that fall in Action! Wrestling I’ve suffered a little bit of vertigo.  I get vertigo from midgets.

MM: Really?  Midgets?

Shep: One walks by and my knees get all shaky and my guts get knots in ‘em.

MM: Wow.  At the end of Courage last week, you dropped Armsy McDanger in the middle of the ring.  I thought the whole thing was “eye-for-an-eye tooth-for-a-tooth” type deal.

Shep: Let me ask you somethin’, Morty.  Let’s say you go to a bar.  You see a guy playin’ pool and he’s havin’ a heck of a time.  You wanna play, too, so you have a couple games with him.  But this guy is enjoyin’ himself way more than you are.  But you don’t wanna play pool anymore.  Do you stay at the table or do you let the guy havin’ fun keep playin’?

MM: Let the guy keep playing.

Shep: Danger is workin’ that prosthetic like a mother[censor].  You ever seen a wrestling crowd give a prosthetic heat before?  I haven’t.  When I held that arm high above my head to a pop from those Canadians I knew right off the bat that I couldn’t take this arm from Max.  He’d turned it into Armsy McDanger and it wasn’t my right to take the overness away from another performer.  Who am I?  Terry Bolea?  Paul Levesque?

MM: Fair enough.  Well, I don’t think we’ve got much more to recap in this is your life.  I’ve got a few other questions if you don’t mind, Brock.  First of all, anybody you wished you could have worked a program with?

Shep: Plenty of guys, Morty.  For the record, I’d like to run a Face-Eater program one more time before I’m through.  I don’t think we did it the way we wanted to do it first time round in Just Wrestling.  I’d like to do it one more time and do it properly.

MM: Any promotions you wish you worked in?

Shep: Nah.  If you want in somewhere bad enough you can normally muster your way into them.  You haven’t seen me somewhere it’s coz I never wanted to be in it bad enough.

MM: Okay, well, before we finish off, I wanna ask you for a piece of advice for anybody reading this on the website.

Shep: [laughs] Advice from me?  Okay.  Here’s some.  Don’t let nobody tell you that you can’t do something.

MM: Nice.  Shepherd.  Thanks for being my first victim.

Shep: You really got your fangs in back there.  You nearly lost an eye.

MM: [laughs] I don’t know if that’s nervous laughter or not.  Thanks, Brock.

Shep: Thank-you.

Schmucks correspondant Kenny “No-Sell” Thomas recently ran into the self-professed “Sports Entertainment Icon”, Trey Vincent at a Hooters resturant in Minneapolis. Here’s what he had to say…

Full Name

Trey Vincent.

How the hell are you?

Well, let’s see. I’ve got tons of money saved up from sports entertainment. I’ve got money pouring in daily from Trey Vincent Private Investgation Services Inc. I’ve got the BOB ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Me, Seth Harker and Steve Studnuts are ruling BOB. I recently just bumped into a chick whose greatest ambition in life is to become a softcore queen. And I’m in PIW, where I can finally start to seek vengeance on everyone who was a part of jOlt’s demise. And the best part? I’ve had, ZERO sports entertainment matches in PIW! And I’m more ‘over’ than the ENTIRE active roster. Plus, the booze is flowing on a nightly basis and I’m in the best shape of my life. I am a Sports Entertainment Icon, the Franchise Player and everyone’s TV champion. But you know what? I got where I did by suffering for a lot of years. I’ve earned my spot, by any means necessary.

The Schmucks are buying, so what are you drinking?

Screw the interview, I’ll shut down the bar! Don’t make offers you can’t hold up buddy. I dunno. Beer is my main choice of drink I suppose, though I do enjoy mixing in a few shots of vodka. Don’t know if that drink has a name or not, I think someone told me it’s called a Beer Buster…but….yeah. That’s good stuff right there.

What was the first wrestling event you ever went to?

Mud Madness 1993. My dad brought me. Great stuff there. They had this goofy ass tournament in some strip club or bar or whatever. He was a cop so he obviously could get me in even though I was underage…eight chicks in a one-night tournament. They went into the mud and beat the crap out of each other. It was around that basketball tournament in March. So after one chick would get pinned, they’d hose off the winner and she’d advance to the next round. There was a young Trey Vincent, seeing these hot chicks going at it for money in mud. All I could think was “now that’s entertainment.”

What were you like at school?

(Long pause.) Hmm. Well, I guess I was a bit of an arrogant prick. Didn’t have a lot of friends, but most of the idiots there were losers. I was your average student I guess. Went to a lot of parties, late on a lot of days. It was more about popularity than grades or the ’school’ aspect I guess. It was like, social life first, school second. I bounced around from slut to slut and used friends until they were no longer of use. Did my share of drugs and drinking….but I finished and got a bit more serious when I went onto college and started in the criminal justice program. I always hated studying though. My biggest joy was getting through a book or chapter and tossing the book out of sight for a few days or whatever. I have one of those minds where I can pretty much absorb everything, but I hate the process. But my talent for absorbing is especially helpful in this business when you have to remember your lines for promos and segments.

If you weren’t a wrestler, what would you be?

I’d probably do the private investigation full-time, but I’d be doing it on television. When you look as good as Trey Vincent looks, and have the off the charts charisma, you have to be on television in one form or another.

What’s your most treasured material possesion?

I just got a kick-ass, I guess it’s called a digital TV…one of those wide-screen dealies with the crystal clear photos. Dude, you haven’t seen porno til you’ve seen porno on my television. 65 inches…..the screen I meant.

What’s in your pockets right now?

BWAHAHAHAHA. My hands. Let’s see. Besides the obvious one-eyed trouser trout, we’ve got…oh…about $400 in fifties….a cell phone…notebook and pen…..my wallet, with my credit cards, license, rubber, all the usual stuff. Keys to my Pathfinder. My personal phone book contacts for PIW and business.

What was the last record you brought?

Finger Eleven’s last CD, the one with that cool song “Drag You Down.” I got the “XXX” soundtrack for the movie. Mushroomhead’s CD. A Lords of Acid remix album. A couple more that escape me at the moment….I always go on music binges, so I usually get five to ten CDs at a time.

Who’s the wrestler you most looked up to during your early years?

Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan. Just for the way they were able to hold the crowd in the palm of their hands, whether it was as a heel as Flair was and Hogan as the face. And then of course when Hogan became the star in multiple areas, that was impressive. And then when I found out about how great they were backstage, damn. Even more impressed. Those guys….geniuses in their prime. They knew they were the best and they made it happen for as long as they could. It doesn’t matter if both of them helped kill WCW, NWA or someone else’s career. They made it, and they will be remembered. This game is survival of the fittest, and those two bastards are old pieces of shit now and should get off my television, but what they did in their prime was masterful. Even Hogan did good after his prime with the nWo-era business. Hey, if I can work six dates, get millions of dollars and be given the world title on a silver platter whenever I want it, you know where I’ll be in 20 years.

Who was the last person you punched in a non-wrestling context, and why?

There was a case I was on a little while back this year. A guy got pissed off since I found he was banging some little POA on the side while his, well, majorly overweight, but majorly rich, wife was at home taking care of their two kids. The guy took a swing at me, and I had to calm him down (laughs). It happened outside the hotel. He took his ho to a hotel, and I caught him. That job is such fun at times.

What was best match you ever had?

That would probably have to be either the scaffold match I had in the EWS where I won the European Title in a triple threat match, or where I won the first of no doubt many world titles in BOB, when I beat The Geek and Bohemoth in a two-fall, two-title triple threat match to win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and Seth also won the Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind Hardcore Title. That was a good day.

And the worst?

Auryn. My last drunken attempt at a match I’ll EVER try again. He was some scrub with a supernatural gimmick, but the only thing scary about him was how untalented he was.

What’s your pet hates?

Not a big fan of crabs. As a pet or otherwise.

What’s your culinary specialty?

Well, the chicks love this bit where I take my tongue and kind of rotate it really fast and….huh? Oh, you meant cooking? Um. I don’t cook. At all. I go out to eat or order in. So I guess my answer is opening bags or packages of food that I don’t have to cook, or picking up utensils in a restaurant.

Have you ever been arrested?

Arrested? Yes. Charged or convicted of anything? No. I’ve had plenty of drunken incidents which are best forgotten, especially the one with the monkey. (Shivers).

What’s the greatest film ever made?

“GoodFellas.” The philosophy from that movie is just great. Fuck over anyone you have to as long as it helps you and yours. If I had the patience for morons, I’d form my own sports entertainment mafia, though I suppose that’s what I’m doing with Seth and Studs with the iAd in BOB to some extent. There just aren’t enough entertaining people in this business.

If you could meet one person, living or dead, who would it be?

Raylene. The hottest redheaded porn star I’ve seen.

What’s the worst injury you’ve received in your career?

I’ve had some pretty nasty headaches. Never doing that hardcore shit again.

Which celebrity would you most like to punch, and why?

Freddie Prinze Jr. Why? He got Buffy. Bastard.

Do you like reggae music?

No, mon.

Can you recite a line of poetry?

Sure can.

Hickory dickory dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
I dumped the bitch on the next block, OH!

Happiness is…?

An orgasm. Or watching live Hot Drunk Lesbian Action in the privacy of your bedroom.

Where are you off to right now?

Well, I’ve got to head off to PIW “Massacre.” I’ve got some funny stuff planned for Wippit Guud. I gotta call the agents and see where the hell I’m going. I think it’s San Jose…but all the places are the same really. Same faces, just different names. But I am the most entertaining there is, was or ever will be and I’ve got to let the losers of the world live vicariously through me wherever I go. And that’s my final answer.

Schmucks correspondant Al “Smarkenstein” Smith ran into BSCW’s “The Darksider” Seth Harker in Boston recently. Here’s what he had to say!

Full Name:

Sean Patrick Henderson… but you can call me Seth.

How the hell are you?

Tired, but happy. I’ve been flying between events for BOB and BSCW, so I’m looking forward to a few days off the road soon.

The Schmucks are buying, so what are you drinking?

I’m pretty non-biased about what I drink… although vodka and cranberry or a Canadian beer would be my pick at the moment. At this time of the day (2pm) though? Double espresso.

What was the first wrestling event you ever went to?

Some indy promotion in the local high school gym, I think… My dad and brother Hank were really into wrestling… I just tagged along.

What were you like at school?

Quiet, though studious… The teachers liked me and I hung out with the smart kids… School librarian, y’know? I probably would have been picked on if Hank wasn’t the biggest bully in school. Typical brother… protected me at school, beat the crap out of me at home… (laughs)

If you weren’t a wrestler, what would you be?

Ummm.. something creative, probably. A struggling painter, maybe. My mom sent me to ballet lessons as a kid, and was convinced I’d be a dancer, so maybe I’d be doing that…

What’s your most treasured material possesion?

My car. It’s a black Corvette Stingray, a thing of beauty, man. My old stablemate Steve Studnuts and I were lucky enough to join a federation owned by a millionaire who was running it as a tax dodge. Guys were on three hundred thou a year and wrestling in gymnasiums, man! Three months in, the guy pulls the plug and pays us out in full! I brought the car the following day…

What’s in your pockets right now?

Let’s see… Wallet with 18 bucks in cash, keys, ticket stub from my last flight and a business card from a nightclub in Philly with a phone number on it… No name, though. Whoops! (grins)

What was the last record you brought?

I picked up some stuff off the internet recently… Australian bands, mainly… Yothu Yindi, Spiderbait, The Datsuns.. they’re from New Zealand, I think… Pretty good stuff.

Who’s the wrestler you most looked up to during your early years?

Probably Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat… He could go, y’know? I SO stole his moves when I first started out.

Who was the last person you punched in a non-wrestling context, and why?

I haven’t punched anyone since I was a kid. I think I popped my best friend for breaking off the arm of my G.I Joe once. I’m pretty mellow, mostly…

What was best match you ever had?

My match against Taurus at “Bloodfest”… No question. The guy’s so easy to work with it’s ridiculous… They’re extending our program, too, which is a good sign. I just hope we can keep up the momentum.

And the worst?

Ahh, the agony of choice. I’ve had a lot of stinkers, that’s for sure. Bottom of the barrel? Probably against Chief Justice in OCW. C.J was tight with the owners and got the Erik Watts push, y’know? How bad was the match? I lost to a backslide because I just couldn’t be bothered to kick out. They released me a week later. There’s always a silver lining, huh?

What’s the worst injury you’ve received in your career?

Probably attemping the Judas Air for the first time… I was wrestling a kid named Jamie Sanchez down in Mexico, and I overshot from the springboard. I landed hard on the edge of the table… it didn’t break, but two of my ribs sure did! The worst part? You’ve heard of someone carrying a guy to a good match? Sanchez carried me all right… he literally hauled my ass around that ring for five more minutes before we went home. That was a pretty painful five, I tellya!

What’s your culinary specialty?

Domino’s Pizza! (Laughs) I’m a terrible cook. I could scramble a couple of eggs in a pinch, I guess…

Have you ever been arrested?

Nah. I got caught shoplifting a couple of tapes from K-Mart when I was ten, though. I got off with a warning and butt-load of chores from my folks.

What’s the greatest film ever made?

Raging Bull. No question.

What was the last film you watched and hated?

I caught one of those idiotic teen flicks in a hotel last week. American Pie, possibly… I missed the titles. Stupidest thing I’ve seen in years.

What’s your most unplesant characteristic?

I tend to get a little too much into character at times. I slap on the shades and the trenchcoat and BAM! Bye bye Sean, hello Seth! People try to talk to me and I’m so focused I walk right on by. There’s probably a few guys who think I’m an arrogant prick after meeting me the first time. I’m not, honest! Just too far in the Zone…

In a wacky Hollywood-esque sequence of events, you’ve been turned invisible for 24 hours. What do you do?

Find that Marcel Marceau guy and kick the crap out of him! (Laughs) It’d be great… no-one’d help him, because they’d just think he was doing a really convincing mime!

Do you like reggae music?

I’m not the biggest fan… but I’ve got a bit of a soft spot for “No Woman, No Cry”… “Every little things gonna be all right”… words to live by, man…

Can you recite a line of poetry?

Hundreds. My favourite, though?

“She stood on the bridge at midnight,
Breathing midnight air.
Someone came along and took the bridge away,
And left her standing there.”

My grandfather taught me that when I was eight, man. (Laughs)

Happiness is…?

…Easier to achieve than most people think.

Where are you off to right now?

Physically? Shoot a promo and get some physio on a shoulder strain. Metaphorically? Onwards and upwards, man… onwards and upwards!

Full Name:

Matthew Graham. I’ve been doing this since I was 28, and I’m turning 34 soon… and I’ve been reminded everyday since my first match at some indy federation outside Leonardo, New Jersey… that a form of CRACKER shares the same name as my last name. It’s a crazy world.

How the hell are you?

Doing fine. Something rare, when it’s “PPV SUNDAY!”, but I’m relaxed.

I don’t get to wrestle tonight, which is kinda nice. I get to do promos, throughout the broadcast. I get the feeling I’m a star that’s falling, but “The Powers That Be” promise me, otherwise. Though, I have to ask myself sometimes, “What is this? I lose one match, and now they’re having me just do PROMOS? What is this? WCW?” Tonight will be fun, though.

The Schmucks are buying, so what are you drinking?

Coffee. A 3 hour PPV, and I’m only working for what? 20 minutes in total? I have to keep myself up. I’m driving with Paco The Euro Trash. Not so reliable. He won’t wake me up, and he finds me sleeping on a bench in the locker room. I don’t wanna fall asleep, and find myself in the middle of an empty locker room, at 2am. I get scared, very easily.

What was the first wrestling event you ever went to?

WWF King Of The Ring ‘94. Pretty much inspired me to get into the business. It’s a good thing I left before the main event, which was Piper vs. Lawler. I don’t think I would’ve been inspired if I saw that, and I don’t think I’d be sitting here talking to you. What’s with Piper, anyway? Does his hip have Downs Syndrome?

What were you like at school?

Kept to myself. A social commentator. Showed signs of intelligence. My mother says “..Yeah, then you wanted to become a guy who gropes other males into submission for a living.” I watched wrestling since I was 6, and I didn’t have to deal with other students running down the halls, giving me crotch chops. Girls? Next question.

If you weren’t a wrestler, what would you be?

Probably a writer. It’s great to have creative control of your character, in the WTFL. I write all my promos, and if I weren’t writing the material I’ve written for my character and his associates here, I would’ve probably ended up writing them for some TV programming.

What’s your most treasured material possesion?

My Boston Red Socks baseball cap. I love wearing hats. They fit my huge cranium so well. Oooh, I look good in them. The Sox hat is my favorite. I never leave home without it.

What’s in your pockets right now?

Keys to the rental, and my wallet. Today is payday, so you know the wallet is coming out soon. I got gum. You chew it, y’know.

What was the last record you brought?

Weird Al Yankovic “Bad Hair Day”. I already had it, but the CD was so scratched, seeing how I’ve had it since the day it came out. His best album to date. That’s saying something.

Who’s the wrestler you most looked up to during your early years?

George “The Animal” Steele. He wasn’t even a wrestler, really.. but he paved the way for wrestlers who enjoyed being silly on screen. God bless the man.

Who was the last person you punched in a non-wrestling context, and why?

This stupid wrestler named The Dark One. His first in ring name? Mike Foley. Yeah, kinda sad. At our PPV Retribution in 2000, a manager of mine: a 51 year old by the name of George… was the defending Xtreme Champion, and was having a three way match. The Dark One did a spot that wasn’t scripted, and that was putting a cookie sheet on George’s face, and dropping a knee on it… injuring George’s nose. After the match, The Dark One put the blame on George, for the incident… and I put my fist in Dark One’s ballsack. I heard he’s stayed single since then.

What was best match you ever had?

Against Adrenaline at Carpe Diem. Wow, that was awesome. Adrenaline can carry ANYONE in the squared circle. I love him for that. I’m so clumsy. I blame my pigeon toed feet, most of the time. I won the World Title for the first time, so that helped.

And the worst?

A Six Tag Match with Bob and Ted, my TWO OTHER senior managers… against that little bastard The Dark One, Voodoo, and Mike2Dope at Retribution 2000. Not only did we have to lose, thanks to The Dark One refusing to allow a 50 plus year old man get the win… but Bob had to retire from actual wrestling, thanks to the The 2DopeDrop from Mike. Bah.

Which celebrity would you most like to punch, and why?

I’m responsible for EVERY B-LIST celebrity who has came into the WTFL. That’s more proof that me writing for the show is… eh… not a good thing. Hopefully, we can get Michael Jackson to stop by. Hell, who am I kidding? With his last album going triple PLASTIC, and his career burning away… He’ll probably be on the next Sunday Shocker.

What’s your culinary specialty?

Chicken Curry. Indian food. But, I’m only great because of what I work with. Bless those Europeans for their Curry sauce. Mmm.

Have you ever been arrested?

Only once. I was co-directing a promo for the Mojo World Order. We were filming it, in front of this night club for an exterior. We didn’t have a permit. So, the cops came.. and I left in handcuffs. Yay. The promo was finished, and it proved that the arrest was worth it.

What’s the greatest film ever made?

Dogma. Kevin Smith made a very boring subject like religion worth a billion chuckles. Wow. Just… amazing.

Which cartoon character do you most associate yourself with?

Milhouse from The Simpsons. I’m pretty weird, and my “unhipness” and my plain goofiness has raised a lot of eyebrows at me. However, even though I am such a lamewad… I’ll end up making out with everyone in the locker room’s wives and girlfriends, in a treehouse somewhere.

If you could meet one person, living or dead, who would it be?

Bill Hicks. Was he right.. about EVERYTHING?

Do you like reggae music?

Marley has more talent than Lennon. But, where the hell is Bob Marley International Airport? Ugh. Burn, Yoko. Burn.

Can you recite a line of poetry?

How about something I made up, and hope to put in a promo someday?!
WELL, SWELL!

“I’m gonna MAKE YOU EAT YER HAT!”

“Well, I guess I’ll go get a hat, then.”

Happiness is…?

Knowing the fact that some smart mark from a website I’ll probably forget after this interview ends… wants to spend his weekend, flying across the country… just to interview me.

Where are you off to right now?

To film a promo where I.. the on screen president… panics about the new WTFL World Title belt not arriving, yet… and that the tournament has already started! Ahh!! After that.. coffee, and a game of cards with Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor, Paco, and EMP.

Schmucks correspondant “Leaping” Lenny Harris ran into Schmucks Five-Star recipient Neil McDougall at a PAW pre-sale event recently. Here’s what the man himself had to say;

Full Name:

Neil McDougall. No embarassing middle names here.

How the hell are you?

Fantastic. Bit banged up from a tag match against The Dirty Pair last night, but it was a good amtch, so the bumps and bruises are worth it.

The Schmucks are buying, so what are you drinking?

Most of the time it’s just water, but if I let my proverbial hair down, I’ll never say no to a cold Irn Bru or a fresh beer. Damn, I miss Irn Bru; I get a crate shipped over from Scotland every week, as you can’t get it over here.

What was the first wrestling event you ever went to?

Summerslam ‘92. A bunch of us in our dojo were wrestling mad, so to celebrate me getting 1st Dan, our Sensei hired a coach and took us to Wembley to see Bret and Bulldog tear it up. Helped me get over my dad’s death the previous October too.

What were you like at school?

I used to get needled about my height when I was young. That is, I did until I got good at Karate, and broke an older kid’s nose. No-one really messed with me then. Yeah, I got into fights, but they tended to be short. Apart from that I was academically sound.

If you weren’t a wrestler, what would you be?

I’d probably be doing full-time what I do in my spare time; music or martial arts instruction.

What’s your most treasured material possesion?

Probably my 1954 Fender Stratocaster. I bought it after I got the payoff from the show in Scotland I headlined with Eddie Drysdale. I got a substantial cut from the gate, which was, to be frank, a shitload of cash. So I went out and bought a first-run ‘54 Strat. If I start earning big bucks again, my next purchases will be a ‘51 Fender Broadcaster and a ‘57 Les Paul.

What’s in your pockets right now?

Let’s see…mobile phone, PDA, wallet, keys for my rental, keys for the Dojo, a couple of plectrums, some loose change…the usual.

What was the last record you brought?

Blackwater Park by Opeth. So good I changed my entrance music.

Who’s the wrestler you most looked up to during your early years?

I started out more of a martial artist, so my early childhood hero was Bruce Lee.

Who was the last person you punched in a non-wrestling context, and why?

A fella called Akira Fukuhara in my last shoot match in early 1996.

What was best match you ever had?

Two Out Of Three Submissions against John Smythe at Spring Beatings 2001, but there’s some not far behind it. My matches with Spikyjim were always great too.

And the worst?

A hardcore match in SEWO where I got made to look like a fool because another wrestler had a problem with the angle I was running and went to the bookers to change the booking. My shoot match back in 1995 with Sasyu Genchiro is a match that holds bad memories for me, because Genchiro committed suicide because he lost to me.

What’s the worst injury you’ve received in your career?

I’ve remained relatively injury free over my so-far-short career, touch wood, so generally just cuts, bumps, bruises and scrapes. Well, I was in a C4 match with Joel Murphy at the start of my tenure in RAW, but the pyro was rigged to look good and not be very hot, so I only got some minor scalding there.

What’s your culinary specialty?

Well, I can whip up a mean Chilli Con Carne, and my curries are loved by many of my friends.

Have you ever been arrested?

No, but the police in Japan questioned me about the death of Sasyu Genchiro.

What’s the greatest film ever made?

I’m a huge Star Wars mark, so any of those films. Yes, even Episode 1, if only for the lightsaber fight.

What was the last film you watched and hated?

Oh, God, I dunno, but the film that always springs to mind when people talk about ‘I can’t believe I paid money to see this’ is always Street Fighter: The Movie, with Jean Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue. The best part of that film is, as you’d expect, Kylie’s arse. Raul Julia must have died out of shame while making it.

Briefs or Boxers?

Boxers. I like ‘em swingin’, baby.

What’s your most unpleasant characteristic?

That annoying habit I have of working great matches. (grins)

Which cartoon character do you most associate yourself with?

Hmm….Hong Kong Phooey crossed with Willie from the Simpsons.

Can you recite a line of poetry?

I could recite a lyric…

“Waiting,
In the calm of desolation,
Wanting to break,
From this circle of confusion,

Sleeping,
In the depths of isolation,
Trying to wake,
From this daydream of illusion,

How can I feel abandoned,
Even when the world surrounds me?
How can I bite the hand,
That feeds the strangers all around me?
How can I know so many,
Never really knowing anyone?

If I seem superhuman,
I have been Misunderstood.”

Misunderstood – Dream Theater

Happiness is…?

A guitar, a cold drink and a hot, glowing set of valves in a cranked-up Marshall.

Where are you off to right now?

After this pre-sale, I’m off to the gym, then the show. Working a singles match with Dontae Wood. Should be a blast!

Schmucks correspondant Jeff “The Mark” McMichael recently met with pro-wrestler Spikyjim at a BSCW event. Spiky was kind enough to take the time to become the first “Shooting Star” interviewee for the Schmucks. And so, without further ado, let’s get right to it.

Full Name:

James Barnett Jnr. Same name as my dear old Daddy. They didn’t give me a middle name because they knew I’d become a wrestler and have nicknames with a space needed for them in my name.

How the hell are you?

Stoned. Again. Naah, I’m cool, I suppose. Waiting for my phone to ring, waiting for my paycheck. Enjoying life on the road with Travis LaGrange and Despair… raising hell and leaving each arena like a tornado went through it. No gold, but life is pretty sweet… ruining the days of many a BSCW / NEO / DWF fan, as I like to do for shits and giggles. Saying all that, I’ll feel better when I’m home again with my wife and kids. Not seen them for three weeks, and they change every time I’m away.

The Schmucks are buying, so what are you drinking?

Anything and everything. Normally, the drink of choice is Jack Daniels… but if you bitches are buying, I’ll take whatever is going. They say I’ve got a drink problem… but I don’t have a problem with any drink. Seriously, I’m not as dry as my wife would like me to be… but it’s a long road we travel and I’ve got an aching head. A little drink never hurt anyone.

What was the first wrestling event you ever went to?

I watched a lot of wrestling on TV with my dad… mid south and NWA stuff, early 80’s… you know the thing. I never went to an event until my tenth birthday, in 1983. It was a combined Florida Wrestling / NWA card… got to see Dusty Rhodes, Abdullah the Butcher, Ric Flair, Ricky Steamboat… it was pretty cool. I met Flair once too, at the age of… I dunno, 14 or so. I pretty much idolised Flair, Abby, Steamboat… and Bruiser Brody, Tiger Mask and the Dynamite Kid. From that first event in a dusty Jacksonville Armory… I was already thinking about ripping off their moves for my benefit. My dad was just as transfixed as me… shame his love of wrestling has waned a little since his two sons went into the game… I guess it’s too “extreme” for my Dad now.

What were you like at school?

An unwilling jock. I wrestled and played football… in fact, I was pretty damn good at football. I played wide receiver for my high school and Ohio State… until I broke my leg and went for wrestling instead. I was a pretty good amateur wrestler, although not as good as Damien (Spikyjim’s brother) was at the same age. Academically, I guess I wasn’t too bad. I had to act dumb to fit in with the jock crowd, but I was a bit of a study freak… I enjoyed English literature, and even wrote the odd poem and short story as a pimply teen. My grades were pretty decent, but all people ever saw was the sport side of things. I wrote a punk music fanzine that I penned under a pseudonym to preserve my jock status. That whole split personality thing… hehe, how prophetic was that?

What’s your most treasured material possesion?

Got two – my wedding ring and my necklace that my kids bought me for fathers day. I never take either off, and never will. For all the shit people give me, and for all the crazy shit I do… I’m still a loving husband and doting father.

What’s in your pockets right now?

$47 in used bills… two packets of Lucky Strikes… a half eaten packet of wintergreen lifesavers… various loose change… the keys to Travis’ rented car… my watch, which I broke earlier today and won’t stay on my wrist… painkillers and lint. I have many pockets in my trusty shorts.

What was the last record you brought?

I bought “The Ramones” because I lost my old copy on the road. I’m a punk fan, always have been. I kinda like my new music… “Fiend” by Coal Chamber… but I didn’t have to buy that, they gave it to me. I’ve got a pretty damn decent music collection… I’m a bit of a loser when it comes to music, an obsessed nut. But PLEASE don’t tell me that Blink 182 and so on are punk, and Limp Bizkit are metal. They’re not. The Clash, The Ramones, The Slits, The Buzzcocks… proper old school punk from 77 – 78. The last non replacement purchase of mine was “White Blood Cells” by The White Stripes… which was OK.

Who’s the wrestler you most looked up to during your early years?

I’ve got a few guys that I respect, and have done for a while. When I first broke into the so called “big time” in Texas, my current agent “Union” Jack Worth was a road partner and despite being the same age as me, he seemed more experienced… heck, he WAS more experienced and he helped me out a lot. And now, he’s my agent. When I first went to Japan, I met a guy called Danny Graham and he was… still is… 15 years older than me. He’d seen it all, done it all and told me it all. He was awesome… and guess what? Now he’s my bodyguard. Because of my accident, my return to the USA in 1998 was pretty much like starting over… and then, my idol was Loaded. When we teamed, I was ecstatic… it was like learning from a master. I’m still proud of the beating from him that I withstood at MotR 4.

Who was the last person you punched in a non-wrestling context, and why?

I punched a guy the last time I wrestled in Canada… he kept hassling me at the airport, so I punched him in the mouth. Completely away from wrestling? My brother, for upsetting my Mom last thanksgiving and “turning into me”.

What was best match you ever had?

There are a LOT of good ones… vs Despair, vs The Scrayper, vs Neil McDougall, vs Wes Coleman, vs Chris Courtade, the Rudeboys three way, vs Stevie Ray Murdoch, vs The Wasp, vs Mike Waldrop…. all greats. But the daddy? Spikyjim vs Loaded at MotR 4. It was a retirement match… and I was ready to retire after 72 minutes of the nastiest bumps I’ve taken in my life. Loaded kicked my ass, I kicked his ass… it was evil stuff. I still get asked about that match, and people still ask to see my scars from the bump I took through that pane of glass. In retrospect, everything I’ve done since that match may have got me more exposure, but feels anticlimatic after that one match.

And the worst?

My first back in the states. I’d had an operation, but I thought I was rehabbed properly… and I wasn’t. It was in the CAWF, against Monty Miller. I got disqualified for using a chair, and it was ten minutes longer than it should have been. The match ran 11 minutes. I really, really sucked. It took me a good few months to get back into my stride.

What’s your pet hates?

I hate cats. Keiko (Spikyjim’s wife) loves them, but I think they look at me funny. I also hate people who moan about people smoking in public places… tough. I don’t see you waving your hand in front of your faces when a car drives past you, dumbasses. And Shawn Viper. Only about three people get that.

What’s your culinary specialty?

My Mom is Italian, so I’m pretty handy with pasta. I make a mean marinara. I’m pretty decent at oriental stuff too, what with the wife’s influence and all.

Have you ever been arrested?

Yep. Do I have to talk about it? OK. Twice. First time was in Japan, for assault… charges were dropped, but it was for excessive force in a wrestling ring and the police didn’t like me carving up my opponent with a sickle and barbed wire. I’ve been in more brutal matches, but I was competing in a non garbage organisation at the time. The second time was four months ago, for posession of narcotics… like marijuana is considered a narcotic these days, for crying out loud. Got fined, big deal.

What’s the greatest film ever made?

Casino, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, The Godfather Part 2, Taxi Driver, La Haine, Dobermann, anything Jackie Chan has ever been in, like, ever. It’s too damn hard to choose.

What waas the last film you watched and hated?

I got Lord of the Rings on DVD, as a victim of hype. Five minutes in I remembered why the the book bored me so damn much.

What’s your most unpleasant characteristic?

Need you ask? Mood swings. I’m happy and smiling one minute, miserable as sin the next. At home, that really sucks for my family. In the ring, sure… it’s fine and dandy… but it doesn’t end there. I’m sure I piss Travis and Despair off all the damn time, but they hide it pretty damn well. Chain smoking is pretty annoying for others too, although I tend to try and curb it a little at home, for the kid’s sake.

Do you like reggae music?

Yeah. Marley was a king, and early Trojan ska stuff ruled all… Desmond Dekker and so on. The early days of whine and grine reggae… how could you not like that? Sure as hell beats the shit that people call ska nowadays anyway.

Can you recite a line of poetry?

Sure. I can recite a whole poem, one my dad told me years ago.

“Look at
That mother-fucking smoke stack

Pointing
Straight up.

See those clouds
Old time fleecy pillows,

Like they say, whites and grays,
float by.

There’s cars
on the street,

there’s a swimming pool
out front -

And the trees
go yellow

Now
It’s the fall”

Robert Creeley, “Blue Skies Motel”.

Happiness is…?

Spikyjim at home with his family, not wrestling.

Where are you off to right now?

Whip Travis with a towel… naah, off to Wendy’s for a late snack and then to call my wife and check my messages back at the hotel. You never know just WHO wants to get hold of you, y’know…

Thanks for your time, SJ!