The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for IWA’s Mind Games

Well, welcome back to SchmucksVille. (Pop. Me and Xenomorph… “The Skeptic” has bailed on me rather than face the PPV’s I asked him to review, and J.J Boinker is MIA somewhere in the wilds of North Carolina) Todays’ review comes from the IWA’s August “Mind Games” Pay-Per-View. (One of the many federations that sees the WWF and former-WCW talent earn some extra dineros…) The main event is scheduled to be Triple H, The Rock and Chris Jericho. (Glad to see he’s main-eventing SOMEWHERE…)

-We are live from Kansas City, with J.R and Jerry “The King ” in one of their many moonlighting gigs… Strangley, they plug the fact that they’re taking on each other in the ring tonight. Eek.

-Kurt Angle arrives to cut a not-quite-face, not-quite-heel promo and challenge Sting to an Intercontinental Title Match. Thus pushing this PPV out to at least 15 matches… There goes the weekend.

U.S Title Tournament Semi-Final -Willam Regal vs. Al Snow

Regal hammerlocks Snow to start, Snow back-elbows and hits a forearm. Regal runs into a neckbreaker and takes a quick mudhole stomping. Criss-cross, Regal hits a clothesline. More stomping and punches, Snow reverses a snap suplex and hits an elbowdrop. (Apparently on Heads’ advice…) Snow heads up and misses a guillotine legdrop, Regal gets 2. He wins a slugfest and delivers the BLACKPOOL VIOLENCE. KNEES O’ FIRE get 2 for Regal. Snow fires back and hits a superplex for 2. Regal decks Snow and applies the Regal Stretch. Snow reaches the ropes, Regal hits a dragon suplex for 2. Regal remonstrates with the ref, Snow hits the Snow Plow for 3, then nails Regal with Head for laughs. 3/4* Just back-and-forth with no real transitions and a telgraphed and abrubt ending.

-Postmatch, JR and The King plug their match again, play-fighting this time. Smell the Buy-Rate!

U.S Title Tournament Semi-Final: Test vs Tazz

The Battle Of The four-Letter Words kicks off with a mammoth brawl. Test whips Tazz to the ropes and tries for the Big Boot. Tazz hardly has to duck to avoid it and clotheslines Test in the kneecaps to gain the upper hand. (Okay, that’s enough “Tazz is short” jokes for one review… I promise. Maybe.) He drops a leg and goes to an early energy-saving facelock. Test powers out and backdrops Tazz. Tazz slides out of a pump-handle slam, only to take a sidewalk slam trying to lock in the Tazzmission. Tests’ cover gets 2. Test gives Tazz TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM in the corner and armdrags him off the top buckle. Belly-to-forehead (Okay,I couldn’t resist that one) suplex gets 2. Top rope elbowdrop gets 2 more. Test goes for a chair, Tazz charges him, running into a stungun. The ref swipes Tests’ chair, allowing Tazz to apply the Tazzmission. Test grabs the ropes, forcing the break. Neckbreaker gets 2 for Tazz. Tazz goes for the chair, then decides to punch out the ref. Test blocks the shot and DDt’s Tazz. Tazz ducks a wild chairshot and hits a neckbreaker onto the chair for the pin. *1/4 Better, but still no classic. Then again, Test is scheduled for another match, so perhaps both men were holding back slightly.

-Time for another quick JR/King plug before Jericho arrives for a quick verbal assault on Stephanie. As usual. (Although, also as usual, he does a very thorough job of ruining Stephs “nice girl” reputation…)

JR vs Jerry “The King” Lawler (Chain Match)

Micheal Cole and Johnathon Coachman arrive to call this one. Now I’m REALLY looking forward to this one… JR charges as soon as the chain is attached, getting tripped and splashed by Lawler for 2. He wraps a fist in the chain and punches JR, who defies my prediction by blading(!) about sixty seconds into the match. Lawler chokes out Ross, who manages to respond with a swinging neckbreaker. Lawler takes ten in the corner and a backdrop off the top turnbuckle (Double “!”) for 2. Lawler blades in sympathy as Ross wraps him in a chain-assisted sleeper. He doesn’t hold it very tight, as Lawler just kind of slips out of it with relative ease. Ross DDT’s him and trusses him up with the chain. Belly-to-belly (and with JR’s belly, that’s saying something…) gets 2. Lawler shows some veteran smarts as the match becomes somewhat of a messy brawl, using some old-school chain/strap moves. Legdrop from the middle gets him a 2-count. Ross manages to whip Lawler to the ropes but is hit with a neckbreaker drop for 2. PILEDRIVER OF DOOM (Without taking down the straps) gets the 3-count for Lawler. *3/4 Not horrible or anything, but nothing I desperately needed to see either. Postmatch, Ross chairshots Lawler, triggering a pull-apart brawl.

-Cole and Coach remain at the announce position after the match. Joy. Meanwhile, The Rock arrives backstage. The crowd marks out, naturally. The Cat arrives to make the upcoming European Title match a last-man-standing affair. He also books Sting/Angle for later tonight… Geez, Foley and Miller as Co-Commissoners, Shane and Vince running the show, Y2J feuding with Trip and an Edge & Cristian/Dudleys match scheduled for the IWA Tag titles tonight… we’re really pushing the envelope here, huh?

Rob Van Dam vs Jeff Jarrett (European Championship Match)

Wacky shenanagins right off the bell as Jarrett smashes the OVERUSED GUITAR OF DEATH on RVD’s head and goes for the garbage. Is this the European title or the Hardcore Title? Or the European Hardcore Title? (Which sounds like a sick prono, quite frankly…) RVD obligingly lies around as Jarrett liberaly redecorates the ring and the surrounding area with chairs, tables and trash cans. He stands up just in time to take a diving clothesline. Jarrett whips him into a trash-can loaded turnbuckle and backdrops him on the rebound. RVD ducks two wild swings and legsweeps Jarrett onto the chair. Jarrett rises to his knees by a 6-count, RVD dropkicks him around the ring and sets up another table on the floor. The ever-present Kendo stick and fire entinguister come into play, with RVD hitting a flippy-floppy kendo stick legdrop on Jarrett. Double J eats a trash can, RVD delivers the Five-Star Frogsplash for 7. Jarrett no-sells a spinning heel kick (Like, Undertaker-calibre no-selling) and bails. RVD chases him, KO-ing him with the bell and hitting a corkscrew moonsault for 8. Deja vu strikes again as we get an exact repeat of the missed chairshot-to-neckbreaker from the Tazz/Test match from Jarrett. He hits a pescado and chair-assisted legdrop for 8. They brawl on the floor, with Jarrett hitting the Shane-O’Mac brand top rope elbow through a table. Van Dam is up at 9 and change. They duke it out with kendo sticks and chairs, with RVD blading off a chairshot. The BIG-ASS LADDER OF PREDICTABLE DOOM is brought out, Jarrett takes a leaf out of RVD’s book with a frog splash off the top. They’re both up at 9, RVD hits a Frankensteiner and nails the Van Terminator for the win and title. ** for the spotfest, but once more, too disjointed to really garner anything higher. The chronic overselling by the commentators and the wrestlers (Who BOTH do stretcher jobs!) didn’t help…

-Backstage, Foley talks to Shane. Foleys is worried about his upcoming match… against Vince? Way to make Foley look like a wimp, IWA…

Jerry Lynn vs. K-Kwik (#1 Contendership to the Cruiserweight Title)

Is it just me, or does K-Kwick sound like a radio station’s callsign? Wrestling sequence to start, with K-Kwick working a hammerlock into a Mexican Stretch. Lynn reverses the hold, K-Kwick has to grab the ropes. Lynn bodypresses Kwick off a whip, but goes to the well once too often, bodypressing the turnbuckle. K-Kwick hits an reverse Tonado DDT for 2. Lynn blocks a boot and dragon screws Kwick. Stomp on the Kwick family jewels and a legdrop get 2 for Lynn. The ref gets bumped in the corner, Kwick hits a spinning heel kick and gets an uncounted 2-and-a-bit. Tajiri to assist Kwick, followed by Eddie Guerrero to help out Lynn and probably set up a tag-match at the next IWA show… Kwick hits a moonsault on Lynn, getting 2 after reviving the ref. Tajiri and Guerrero brawl back up the aisle as Kwick puts a camel clutch on Lynn. He makes the ropes, Kwick hits a springboard dropkick as Lynn drops his head for a backdrop. I hardly have to tell you how odd THAT looked… DDT gets 2 for Kwick. Lynn ignores it, tossing Kwick out and launching a bodypress off the top to the floor. Kwick makes it back in to hit a baseball slide and springboard dropkick. Brawl on the floor time, Kwick flagrently uses the chair without getting DQ’ed. No wonder they don’t have a Hardcore match tonight… it’d be extremely unnecessary in this reporters opinion. Van Lyn-inator, they return to the ring, superplex gets 2. Lynn yells at the ref, who pushes him over. Eh? Kwick hits the “Hat-rack-crack” on Lynn for the pinfall. What the bloody hell was that bullshit finish? DUD for ruining what could have been a okay match with a pointless run-in and a bad ending.

Chyna vs Molly Holly (Womens Title Match)

In a bizzare reversal of gimmicks, Chyna is billed as “The Man-Beast”. Now THAT’s refreshingly honest… Francine sleazes her way down to ringside to join Cole and Coach on commentary as Molly throws ineffectual shoulderblocks at Chyna. Chyna clotheslines her and gives her the old “hair-biel” across the ring. She pummels Molly around the ring like a rag-doll until Molly mule-kicks her… and Chyna sells the lowblow! This is getting wierd early… Chyna continues to allow Molly the bare minimum of offense, taking a few diving clotheslines before she gorilla presses Molly for 2. Trish Stratus appears at the top of the ramp and does the Norm Smiley “Booty Dance” to entice Chyna out of the ring. Molly bodyblocks Chyna off the top rope. Francone abandopns the table to distract the ref as Trish and Molly double-team and chairshot Chyna. Mollys subsequent cover gets 2. Molly-Go-Round gets 2. Francine returns to ref-distracting duties as Molly tries another chairshot. Chyna ducks and clotheslines it into Mollys face. Trish runs in again(!), chairshotting Chyna from behind. Molly DDt’s her for 2. Chyna DDT’s Molly right back and powerbombs her for the 3-count and the title. DUD Well, if you’re going to put someone over your entire womens roster in one match, call in Chyna I suppose…

The Dudleys vs Edge and Christian (Tag Title Match)

No five-second pose as The Dudleys jumpstart the match. E & C fight back, dropkicking D-Von out as the bell rings. We end up with Christian and Bubba in the ring. Christian goes Lucha on Bubbas ass, armdragging and headscissoring him around the ring. CANADIAN VIOLENCE gets the crowd out of the Chyna-induced coma they had been in. Russian legsweep drops Bubba, D-Von lowbridges Christian on a reversed whip. He puts the boots to him like a good heel, then ties up the ref as Bubba does likewise. Edge gets involved, allowing a double-neckbreaker from the Duds as the ref chases him back to his corner. Back inside, Bubba hits a face-first suplex on Christian and tags in D-Von. Legdrop and neckbreaker and we hit the chinlock. Not for long, thankfully, so I’ll forgive D-Von for that one… He avalanches Christian in the corner and superplexes him for 2. Spinebuster and reverse DDt gets 2, Edge saves. The Dudleys double-team as the ref shoos Edge back to his corner. Wassup Headbutt scores, they go for the Dudley Device. Christian manages a Victory Roll on Bubba as D-Von practically ends up in the opposite corner as he misses the clotrhesline. It gets 2. Christian flips out of a powerbomb and mulekicks Bubba. Reverse DDt, hot tag Edge. He spears D-Von as he hits the ring and covers. Bubba drops an elbow, hitting nothing but D-Von. Edge cleans house and locks a half-crab in on D-Von. Manhattan Drop and Edge-O-Matic gets 2-and-a-bit. Northern Lights suplex and tonado DDT, Christian tags in for a double superplex. Bubba breaks the count a 2. Christain retaliates with the rverse backbreaker, then a Tiger suplex on D-Von for 2.75. Edge tags in and sets up the Impaler, D-Von shoves him back against the ropes for a cheapshot from Bubba. 3-D scores, d-Von covers for the titles as Bubba takes out Christian. *** Great match, unfortunately weak ending. But, after all the matches these four have had, I’d expect nothing less than “great”.

-Postmatch, The Dudleys “Get The Tables”. Team Canada (Benoit and Storm) make the save. Storm puts Bubba through the woodwork as D-Von tries out a crossface for size.

Mankind vs Kane vs Undertaker

Kane and Taker are in the “on” mode of their “off-on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-on-again” relationship. This means an instant double-team beatdown for Mankind. OLD SKOOL ropewalk from Taker as Mick bumps around the ring like a rubber ball. Choke, punch, kick and that’s the story of the match for the next five minutes or so. Finally, Taker kind-of sells a DDT from Mankind, allowing the Mandible Claw on Kane. Taker saves, more double-teaming. Kane accidently takes out Taker with a flying clothesline. Mankind and Kane brawl on the floor with Kane hitting the CHOKESLAM FROM HECK! Abrubtly Taker revives and “accidently” wipes out Kane with the Big Boot. Then stomps the holy hell out of him. I guess the relationship index is now at “off” then? Taker and Kane have their usual uninteresting brawl as Mankind chills with the fans. Kane takes a chokeslam, Mankind chokes out Taker and elbowdrops him through the announce table. It get 2 in the ring before Kane drags the ref off and clotheslines him. Taker does the Zombie Situp, Kane starts chairshotting people, I scream in frustration and raid Xenomorphs beer fridge to make it through this crap. The ref revives to count 2 after Mankind hits the double-arm DDt on Kane. More brawling before Taker defies any sense of logic by chokeslamming BOTH his opponents and pinning Kane. -** Ugly. ugly, ugly match. Did I mention how ugly it was? Good.

US Title Tournament Final: Tazz vs Al Snow

Brief feeling-out process before Tazz gets the advantage with a powerslam off the lock-up. Clothesline and shoulderblock (as Tazz works Snows’ knees… Damn it, enough short jokes already!) Nothern lights suplex gets 2. Belly-to-belly sends Snow to the floor, Tazz risks Snows career by hitting a relaese German suplex INTO the guardrail. Ouch! Back inside, Tazz works the arm and gets 2 off the Tazzplax. Snow tries a Victory Roll and gets a Queen Suplex instead. It gets 2 for Tazz. Top rope belly-to-belly is reversed by Snow, landing heavily on Tazz. Slugfest, Snow hits a tonado DDT and sit-out spinebuster for 2. Missile dropkick sends Tazz to the outside, Snow nails an Asai moonsault. Back inside, Snow misses a top rope legdrop, Tazz applies the tazzmission. Snow mulekicks his way out and hits the Snow Plow for the title. *3/4 Solid, if too short. They couldn’t have clipped the Taker/Kane/Mankind Festival of No-Selling and given this match a little more time to develop? Postmatch, Tazz puts Snow back in the Tazzmission, then busts him open with a chair.

Kurt Angle vs Sting (Intercontinental Title Match)

Sting is back to his “Non-PC” trenchcoat and rappelling belt entrance. Some actual wrestling to begin with both men trading headscissors and headlocks. Chopfest breaks out, Angle works Stings neck with a cobra clutch. Sting floats out of a throw, landing on his feet and hitting a fluid legsweep. Legdrop, airplane-spin-to-neckbreaker (YES!) and piledriver gets 2 for Sting. He misses a boot, Angle spears him. Running DDT and underhook suplex from Angle, followed by a sweet sequence as they switch through suplex variation setups. Angle comes out on top with an unreal spinning overhead belly-to-belly. His usual awesome-looking moonsault gets 2. (Have I mentioned recently that Angle posses the best-looking moonsault in wrestling today? Just don’t tell Bob Holly I said that…) Sit down Tiger driver from Angle, no cover. Sting reverses a whip but misses the Stinger Splash. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, Sting slips out, legsweeps Angle and locks in the Scorpion Deathlock for the submission to retain. ***3/4 Startlingly good match with both men getting a chance to showcase their skills. Short, but perfectly formed. Kind of like me…

-Backstage, Steph and Triple H watch the PPV and chat. Back at ringside, JR and The King return to the commentary position…

Team Canada (Lance Storm, Chris Benoit & Test) vs The Voice of Reason (Tommy Dreamer, Steven Richards & Raven) (Elimination Tag Team Table Match)

Team Canada cuts a promo pre-match… Storm beats the odds by NOT getting cut off mid-sentence… it’s GOOD to be a face! Raven grabs a chair and comes in swinging, but is clotheslined out by Benoit. Dreamer is a little more cautious, leading off for his team against Benoit. Dreamer slams Benoit off a criss-cross and legdrops him. Benoit lands on his feet after an attempted armdrag and clotheslines Dreamer, then drags him away from the outstretched hands of Richards and Raven. Benoit works the leg briefly, then heads topside for the swandive. Raven hooks the leg and crotches him on the buckle. He’s able to fight off Dreamers attempt at a superplex, then misses the headbutt anyway. Richards tags in, double flapjack for Benoit. He reverses a whip, catching Richards in a backbreaker and tries for the Crossface. Richards squirms out and DDT’s Benoit as the Canadian tries for a backdrop. Hot tags to Test and Raven, Raven hits the buckle on a blind charge, resulting in a double team from Storm and Benoit. Test avalanches him, but misses the big boot. Raven hits a backdrop and elbow and we have another crawl race, even though either man hardly took enough punishment to justify it. Richards tags back in, Test ducks a superkick and clotheslines him. Warm-ish tag to Storm, who hits a Tiger suplex, then rolls out of the ring for a table. Test tosses Richards out, he charges Storm and gets backdropped onto the stairs in a dangerous (and possibly blown) spot. The impossible-to-recap six-man brawl breaks out (With Benoit and Dreamer ending up in the fans) as Storm sets up the table and elbowdrops Richards through it. Lots of stuff happens, but it’s all rather confused. Test brawls with Raven as Storm sets up table #2 in the ring. Test goes upstairs, only to put himself through the woodwork as Raven rolls clear. More brawling, with Storm blading from a ringbell shot. The Hardcore Garbage comes out again as Team Canada start putting their respective submission moves on Richards and Raven. Eventually, Dreamer evens the sides by powerbombing Benoit through a table. A few more minutes of eye-blurring brawling later sees Storm go out courtesy of a Dreamer backdrop. This is normally the stage in this sort of match where the ring is clear enough to start recapping the match properly… however, since neither Benoit, Richards or Storm have left the area, the six-man brawl continues unabated. Thus negating the “Elimination” part of the elimination match . Then, because a six-man match isn’t hard enough to call, THREE MORE MEN RUN-IN!!! It’s Kane and the Dudleys. Mass slugfest breaks out, with Test pinning Raven mid-match (With Trish not-quite-wearing a refs’ shirt counting the pin) to claim the Hardcore title. Francine ALSO runs-in in a refs shirt, triggering a catfight. Shoot me. Shoot me now. If anyone cares, Test finally eliminates both Dreamer and Raven with powerbombs. -** Words can not describe how much I enjoyed that last match. Unless the words are “Not a lot”. Post-match, Raven and Test have an impromptu match with Raven winning the Hardcore title back after an Evenflow. Doesn’t the words “ENOUGH” mean anything to these people?

Tajiri vs. Eddie Guerrero (Cruiserweght Title Match)

Before the match, Tajiri accepts a challenge from Eddie to make the match 2-out-of-3 fall, with the 3rd fall being no-DQ. Or something like that. Eddie is using his old “Latino Heat” music here… Tajiri snaps off two kicks, getting Eddie in both the front and back of his melon. Missile dropkick and headscissors, Tajiri hits a backflip kick in the corner as the match goes into overdrive right off the bat. Standing moonsault gets 2. Standing dropkick and a beautiful springboard legdrop gets 2 more. He dropkicks Eddie onto the bottom rope and gives him a Bronco buster variation. Eddie ducks a spinning heel kick and bodyblocks for 2. Eddie locks in the Mexican Stretch, Tajiri rolls over to reverse it, then switches it into the Mexican Surfboard. Eddie manages to release the hold, slugfest time. Another spinning heel kick floors Tajiri, frog splash, Eddie takes the first fall. That was… abrubt.

Eddie helps Tajiri back to his feet and allows him to rest before the second fall. Unexpected sportsmanship rules! Tajiri comes out kicking once more, DDT gets 2. He misses a legdrop, Eddie hits a suplex and a second frog splash. Tajiri gets his foot on the ropes at 2. Nice pyschology! Eddie hits a brainbuster (possibly as a wink to Chavo…) and sets up a superplex. Tajiri shoves him to the mat and lands a senton bomb for 2. Tajiri argues the count, then KO’s the ref to drive home the point. Eddie backdrops Tajiri and hits a slingshot splash. No ref, so Eddie wakes him up. Rather too easily, he does so. Way to sell, ref! A rapidly-bcoming overused spinning heel kick drops Eddie, Tajiri chokes him util the ref intervenes. Eddie reverses a whip and powerbombs.. BUT YOU CAN’T.. well, you know. Hurricanarana from Tajiri, anyway. For 2. Tajri locks in the Tarantula, Eddie submits. Despite the whole gimmick about the Tarantula being the fact you can’t get a submission, as he’s in the ropes and all… oh, whatever.

Third fall, no DQ. Tajiri immediately slides to the floor. why? He’s HARDCORRRRE! He goes Bruce Lee on Eddies ass with a kendo stick and a pair of nun-chucks. (As well as a very-non traditional garbage can!) He gets 2 off a choke drop.. and then it happens. Wild-chair-swing-leads-to-neckbreaker-by-Eddie. Apart from the fact that Eddie missed the neckbreaker, this is the THIRD time that exact same spot has been used tonight! (Unless they were pointing out the fact that Tajiri had the move scouted after the previous matches…) Tornado DDT gets 2. Punches start a’flying as Elix Skipper saunters down the aisle with a chair. He chairshots Tajiri, Eddie covers for 2. Enter Spike Dudley to brawl with Skipper and Eddie. Enter Jerry Lynn to attack Spike. Enter K-Kwick to attack skipper, prompting Jim Ross to yell “What’s going on?” I second that emotion, JR. All fucking hell breaks loose until Eddie pins Tajiri after a Samurai Driver from Elix. ** Now, was that shitstorm Interference Invitational REALLY necessary? I vote no…

-We cut to a local bar to witness semi-drunken shenanagins from Austin and Booker T, who appears to be taking a brief nap. Or quite possibly imitating Scott Hall…

Shane McMahon vs DDP (Cage Match)

DDP charges Shane from the get-go and it’s suddenly a Everything Must Go Clothesline sale. Shane finally avoids one, but gets a snapmare of sorts as he attempts a bulldog. Blind spear misses Page by a mile, Shane eats the cage. Page returns to his clothesline-dominated offense, throwing in a superplex as well. Shane blocks the Diamond Cutter and backdrops Page into the cage. Punches abound until Page goes to the crowd-pleasing EXTENDED HEADLOCK OF DOOM! Literaly four minutes pass before Shane starts his comeback, killing the crowd stone dead. Shane escapes and hits a clothesline (Yes! More clotheslines!) Second-rope elbowdrop from Shane-O, they reverse whips for a while, before Shane DDT’s Page. Shane climbs to the top of the cage, Page persues and armdrags him off to the mat. Yowch! Page climbs, Shane chases him up and we get a protracted slugfest in the VERY high-rent district. Shane finally lowblows DDP and shoves him back to the canvas. Shane takes his usual Stunt Bump a few moments later, falling back into the ring due to “dizzyness”. (I was expecting a Shane-O-Mac Elbow, but there you go…) Loooong selling period (Longer than the headlock!) before Shane regains his feet. And the Clothesline Sale begins anew… The Cat runs-in, KO-ing the ref and stealing the key for the cage. He brings in the chair to make it a two-on-one on Page. They basically destroy Page (Like Taker and Kane haven’t done enough of THAT in the last few months.) with a double superplex and a Wiggly Elbow before Shane climbs out easily for the win. DUD What the hell did Page do this time? Piss in Vinces’ Perrier?

Mick Foley (w/Linda) vs Vince McMahon (w/Steph)

Foley has GOT to stop signing for feds that make him wrestle as both himself, Mankind, Cactus etc… And directly after Shanes’ match, there’s no less than THREE McMahons involved in this one… (Since when did McMahons=Ratings?) Vince gets a slap in, promping Mick to pummel him into the corner. Vince bails, Mick drags him back in and suplexes him. Vince dumps Foley out after a blind charge. The Hardcore Crap comes out as they brawl on the floor. Assorted trash shots get 2 for Vince. They pull the “Handcuff Foley and Chairshot The Crap out of him” spot as Linda fights with Steph for the key. A brief (and insanely pointless) Mom/Daughter slapfight later, Mick is released, and out comes the barb-wire 2×4. The scintillating originality is just breathtaking… sarcasm? What sarcasm? Linda gets a 2×4 shot in on Vince. Enter the bag of thumbtacks. More brawling, a bright spot in a top-rope DDT from Foley before Steph KO’s the ref and Linda does a SWERVE by attacking Mick with a chair. Vince wins with a McStunner to hand Mick yet another pink slip. Overbooked fifteen minute schmozz, with every spot lifted verbatim from Foleys feud with Triple H in the WWF. They couldn’t have been going through the paces more if they’d been line-dancing. DUD

-Postmatch, Shawn Micheals arrives to swipe Foleys commisioner badge. Whatever.

The Rock vs Triple H (w/Linda and Steph) vs Chris Jericho (IWA Title Match)

Good Lord, MORE McMahon presence at ringside… Enough already! Trip brings the sledge to ringside, so Rocky and Jericho doubleteam him. Smart move. The Rock suplexes him, only to get a dropkick from Jericho. Neckbreaker, Triple H rams Jericho into the corner and hits a corckscrew brainbuster. Okay, that was impressive. Trip risks the ire of Vince by piledriving The Rock. Jericho goes for a bulldog, leading to a horribly blown sequence before Triple H clotheslines him. Triple H gets 2 on the Rock after a powerslam. Jericho immediately jawjacks Trip and locks a sleeper on The Rocks. Triple H breaks it up in short order and tosses The Rock out to the floor. Brief mini-match ensues, with Jericho taking a superplex for 2. Rocky hooks Triple H’s ankle from the floor and works over his leg. Back inside, he sends Jericho flying with the SPIT-LADEN FIST OF DEATH. Triple H lowblows the Rock before he (Or the match for that matter) can get into anything resembling a rythym. Another ugly sequence sees Rocky take another trip to the floor. Jericho bodyblocks Triple H on the floor, leading to a spectacularly ugly brawl into the crowd. They head for the staging area to repeat the usual spots. (Camera Boom Shot, Whip into the TitanTron, Choking With TV Cables…) Jericho blades as the match is literly disintegrting before my eyes. Back inside, Jericho adds to his ever-growing talley of Horribly Blown Spots as he powerbombs The Rock INTO THE ROPES! Way to protect the companies top face, Chris. Triple H hits Jericho with the sledge. It gets 2. Well, that makes as much sense as anything else, I suppose. Rock chairshots Triple H to save Jericho from The Pedigree, then legdrops Jericho for 2. Triple H pulls Rocky off at 2, they brawl, upping the “Get Real” factor as Trip literaly climbs the turnbuckles to allow Rocky to backdrop him off. It gets 2. Jericho rises to lock in the Walls on Triple H. Jericho recovers and applies the Walls on Triple H. The Rock saves Trip with a clothesline and puts Jericho in the Sharpshooter. Jericho makes the ropes, Triple H catches Rocky as he releases the hold and hits the Pedigree. Jericho saves at 2. Back to the floor we go. (With the referee seemingly unsure as whether to count the wrestlers out or not. That’s a bad sign when even the ref looks lost.) Trip gets a face crusher on the ramp, Jericho tosses him off the stage and elbowdrops him. Trip blades, of course, but basically no-sells the entire sequence. That thud you heard was Jericho hitting the Glass Ceiling at full speed. Trip sets up a table and puts Jericho through it. Badly. They brawl out to a parked car(?) which Tiple H dumps Jericho on. Before finding his own car(???? Who the hell parks their car in the backstage area?) and tries to run down Jericho. Horrifically ugly sequence (Even by the already low standards of the match so far) as Jericho and Triple H fight in the car, then head spontaneously for the locker room to fight in the shower. (Pat Pattersons’ booking this crap?) Another unlikely transition sees a soggy Triple H Pedigree Jericho through a bench. Trip leaves him lying and returns to a refreshed (and fortunately, not paralysed Rock) He “Just Brings It”, walking into a spinebuster. The Peoples Elbow misses, Trip lowblows as a Masked Man runs-in. Trip chairshots and unmasks him. It’s… Jericho. Looking up “Redundant” in the dictonary will probably reveal a screen capture of THAT revalation for years to come. Triple H chairshots Jericho again and covers. At 2, Stephanie drags the ref out of the ring. Vince gets in Stephs face, she slaps him. (And PLEASE don’t write asking where Vince came from… maybe he turned up during Trip and Jerichos’ Tour de Locker Room, because he wasn’t around during the intros…) Triple H yells at Steph, Jericho decks him and applies the Walls again. Rocky hits Jericho with the Rock Bottom to (Finally) end things and retain. Postmatch, Jericho and Steph share a tender moment. -**** In trying to pre-empt the WWF’s storylines, they effectivly killed their main event. And it died a horrible, painful death.

The Bottom Line: Potential reared it’s head during some of the matches… usually the shorter ones, oddly enough. (With Sting/Angle a true diamond in the rough) If a few matches had been curtailed *COUGHCOUGHddpundersellermcmahonsthetagteamfiascoCOUGHCOUGH* they could have developed into something special. As it was, rampant excess in booking and WAY too many inane run-ins sunk this one like the Titanic… with the McMahons playing the Iceberg…

Strong recommendation to avoid

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for IWA’s “Payback”

All righty, Schmucksters… I’ve managed to tear myself away from my new Playstation (PS1, not 2… sad but true…) long enough to bring the IWA into the Schmucks fold. A glance at the IWA’s roster will reveal many familiar faces… and several unexpected ones. Case in point… Shawn Michaels appearing in the main event of the “Payback” PPV… his chiropracter will not be pleased!

On with the show! We are LIVE from Detriot, Michigan. Your hosts are Jim “Who’s got my hat?” Ross and Jerry “Girly Shriek” Lawler. They hype the FOURTEEN matches scheduled, including a Rumble. And Mick Foleys come out of retirement as well, I see. His WIFE is going to kill him…

Spike Dudley vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Eddie Guerrero

This is for the #1 spot in the cruiserweight rankings. Spike takes a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it double team before Eddie turns on Chavo. Spike quickly teams with Eddie to work over Chavo. For about ten seconds as Eddie turns on him. Spike ducks and dropkicks Eddie, then takes his contracted Bump over the top ropes after attempting the Dudley Dog on Chavo. Eddie hits a hurricanrana for 2 on Chavo. A second is turned into a powerbomb by Chavo. It gets 2 before Spike pulls out the ref, a move I still consider a cop-out. Spike bulldogs Chavo for 2, Eddie hits him with a spinning heel kick, then misses a frogsplash. Spike hits the Dudley Dog on Chavo for 2. Eddie pops up and rolls up Spike for 2. Nobody’s selling nothing in this match. Chavo gets a clothesline and leglock on Eddie until Spike breaks it up. Eddie thanks Spike by dropkicking him, allowing Chavo to hit the brainbuster for the pin. 1/4* Fast paced, but the lack of any selling or rythym hurt it badly.

-Backstage, Shane McMahon tells DDP he’s got his back tonight. Money has changed hands between them to ensure Page stays champion, it appears. Someone tell me why the son of a billionaire should be succeptable to bribery? Anyone?

Lita vs. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsly vs Trish vs. Molly Holly vs. Jaqueline (Womans championship Swimming Pool Evening Gown Match)

You read that right… swimming pool evening gown match…. Anyone else smell Russo’s booking here? The “Match” is basically the usual hair-pulling “Comedy” match. Vince gets pushed in the pool, Lita gets her throng ripped off from under her dress, Molly discovers the button for bubbles. (Making this a “Spa Pool Match” if you want to get technical) Comedy, thy name is IWA. Molly Holly wins it, then de-bras Lita. Hope she got a bonus in her paypacket this month. Lita, I mean… -*** for the whole affair. To quote Jim Ross from another match, “Well, that only set our business back about 20 years.”

-Postmatch, Lawler has a cigarette. Well, not really…

William Regal vs. D-Lo Brown

This is a #1 contendership match for the European title, which is vacant. No, I don’t get the logic in that… Regal gets the first move off, spearing D-Lo. Now that’s out of character for Regal! They reverse moves a few times, until Regal gets 2 off a neckbreaker. Regal sensibly returns to his usual ground-based offense with a leglock. Horrible sequence as D-Lo escapes by kind of crawling up the ropes to body block. D-Lo takes over with his legdrop and a scissors kick. Moonsault is countered with a Dragon Screw(!!) off the top by Regal. Regal Stretch is countered, (Somehow… D-Lo is working sloppy tonight!) D-Lo gets in an enziguri and misses a frog splash. A’chinlocking we will go, then a sleeper from Regal. D-Lo completes his trio of Ugly-Ass Counters with some sort of DDT to escape the hold. Whoever booked these two in a match should be shot. Repeatedly. Then asked to apologise. They fight to the floor, with D-Lo getting a 2-count out there. (?!) Frog splash off the guardrail gets another 2 count, this time in the ring. D-Lo goes up, but gets crotched by the simple expediant of Regal just kind of nudging the bottom rope. Huh? He then falls onto Regals groin head-first. The pain on Regals face is mirrored by the pain on mine this match is causing. Regal reverses a body slam and lands on his feet. (This has GOT to be Jericho in a really good disguise…) Reverse suplex and D-Lo-esque legdrop by Regal gets 2. D-Lo decides those two moves are enough offense out of Regal for one night, suddenly busting out every move he can as Regal bounces all over the ring like the Long-Lost Hardy Boy. The Lo-Down hits knees, however, allowing a Regal Stretch for the submission. DUD Two diametrically opposed styles, meaning one horrible match. Let’s move on…

Sting & Mike Awesome vs. DDP & Goldberg (IC Title Match)

IWA Logic strikes again as DDP defends his title in a tag-team match. No, I don’t get this one, either… Shane is guest ref, as I mentioned earlier. Dull brawl to start, before we get Goldberg vs. Awesome. Brief wrestling sequence before Goldberg hits the spear for 2. DDP actually comes in to break the pin as Awesome kicks out.(??) DDP stomps on Awesome as Goldberg attacks Sting, getting dragged out and clotheslined in the process. Instant degeneration to Ugly Brawl status as Shane plays Evil Ref. Eventually, we end up with Goldberg vs. Awesome again. Goldberg returns to his usual no-selling for anyone earning less money than he does, getting 2 off a slingshot to the buckle. Shane slow-counts, of course. Goldberg spears him, everyone attacks DDP, back to the Big Ugly Brawl we go. Awesome finally revives Shane and gets 2 on DDP. Awesome then lays out Shane again. The world stops tunring momentarialy as Goldberg TAPS to the Scorpion Deathlock, but there’s no ref, so I guess it doesn’t count. DDP Diamond Cutters Awesome, covering for 2. Shane immediately gets clotheslined by an irate Sting. Yes, we “get” that no-one likes Shane.. Stop ramming the point home already! Page gets 2 off a clothesline on Sting.(!!) Shane completes the idiocy by turning on DDP (SWERVE! Whatever…) as Awesome taps out to a Scorpion Deathlock to make Sting the new IC Champ. I think. -** It’s going to take a lot of really good matches to erase that particular clusterfuck from my memory…

Edge and Christian vs. The Flying Flyers (Taka Michinoku & Essa Rios) (Tag Team Titles Match)

The Flying Flyers? Isn’t that just a tad redundant? And if it’s Taka and Essa, shouldn’t “The Jobbing Jobbers” be more appropriate? Taka and Edge exchange punches, Taka hits a clothesline and quickly tags rios in. He applies a full nelson, allowing a sliding dropkick from Taka. Elbowdrop gets 2 for Rios. Cristian comes in, distracting the ref. Taka nails a springboard legdrop, Rios gets another 2-count. Hurricanrana is reversed into a powerbomb, Edge tags in Cristian. House o’fire for about ten seconds as Rios dropkicks him and tags Taka back in. They backdrop Christan to the floor, Rios hits a tope con hilo, four-way brawl breaks out. Lot of that happening tonight. Back iside, Christian hits the Unprettier for 2 on Taka. Rios breaks it with a springboard moonsault, wiping out everybody. Except Edge, who’s now obeying the rules by staying in his corner. Okay. Essa and Taka double-team again, Taka getting 2 off a double suplex. Enziguri by Christain, hot tag to Edge. Uh, shouldn’t the FACES be doing all this Ricky Morton stuff? Another house o’fire, Edge gets stungunned by Rios, but still manages to hit the Buzz Killer for the pin to retain. *3/4 Probably the best match so far, but that aint saying much. Postmatch, they blow the con-chair-to, Rios and Taka clean house.

Lance Storm vs. Jeff Jarret vs. Albert (European Title Match)

Storm gets time for a quick promo, but forgets the pause in “Calgary…. Alberta, Canada”. I’ll forgive him… This also explains why D-Lo and Regal were wrestling for contendership to a vacant belt. Storm gets double-teamed from the get-go and is splashed by Albert. He dodges Jarrett and takes several clotheslines from Albert. Storm retaliates with some (no-sold) dropkicks, Jarrett helps out with a missile dropkick. Storm attempts the Maple Leaf, Jarrett escapes… somehow. More brilliant camera work/editing from the IWA. Tiger suplex gets 2, Albert makes the save. He attempts a powerbomb, Storm legsweeps as Jarrett falls in a type of guillotine legdrop. First really nice move of the night. Jarrett pins, Storm breaks it at 2. He uses the double noggin knocker and hits an elbowdrop on both men. He locks in the maple Leaf on Albert, who reaches the ropes. Storm tries to work the leg, Jarrett locks in a Dragon Sleeper on him. Albert saves him, big boot gets 2 on Jarrett. Albert completely no-sells some punches from Storm, but is nice enough to sell a spinning heel kick. Maple Leaf from Storm, Dragon Sleeper from Jarrett, X-Pac runs-in to make the save for Albert. Oh, joy. X-Pac bails, Storm gives chase and uses some CANADIAN VIOLENCE on him. Justin Credible cranks up the annoyance by a Factor of X by also running in. He beats on Storm as Jarrett hits the Stroke on Albert for the pinfall. *1/3 Typical Raw quality match.

Rey Mysterio Jr. Vs Shane (Yes, SHANE) Helms vs. Tajiri vs. Jerry Lynn (Fatal Four Way Ladder Cruiserweight Title Match)

Anyone else getting tired of three-, four and five-way matches? The one singles match so far was that Regal/D-Lo catastrophe… The usual Big Ugly Brawl in the ring, followed by a Big Ugly Brawl on the floor. TWO ladders come out within minutes, as Jerry Lynn attempts to reach the Glass Ceiling. And fails, of course. Helms takes a killer bump from a ladder to the floor as the usual well-telegraphed spots begin. Lynn rolls into the ring and just lies in perfect position for a legdrop off a ladder by Mysterio. No, that wasn’t contrived. Not at all. Tajiri uses a chair on Rey Rey, then gets crotched on the top rope after an attempt to get the belt. Lynn brings in a table, Helms and Rey double DDT him and place him on it. Rey goes up a ladder, Helms pushes him off from the other side, down goes Rey Rey, table, Jerry and all. Helms reaches the belt as Raven runs-in. Helms tries to jump on him, but gets a right hand and an Evenflow. Raven chairshots him until Tajiri saves with some stiff kicks and a beautiful corkscrew moonsault. (Raven has conviently fallen with the chair over his face, of course, thus overtaking Lynn in the “Really Obvious Set-Up” contest that appears to be in progress.) Rey goes up, Tajiri and Lynn tip up the ladder. Stunning move as Rey hits the eject button and tornado DDT’s Lynn on the way down. Tajiri contiues to hit chairshots, then heads up. So does Raven for a gimmicky powerbomb off the ladder. Okay, Raven is now well ahead in the “Obvious Set-Up” contest. Raven continues to climb, reaching for the belt. Uh, you’re not actually in the match, dickweed. The match begins to loop as Raven takes Helms bump to the floor after Rey dropkicks the ladder. Rey goes up as Lynn sets up a second ladder and goes up as well. Helms also heads up, hitting a crossface Halo on Rey. Tajiri shoots up, meeting Lynn, who’s had to move verrrry slowly to avoid actually winning the match. Tarantula on top of the ladder, Tajiri eventually lets go and dumps Lynn. He retrieves the belts as Rey takes a Vertebreaker. Raven Evenflows Helms to spike the ball for the ex-champ. ** Some excellent spots, but plenty of phony-looking ones as well.

Undertaker vs. Booker T. vs. Kurt Angle (Triple Threat I Quit Match)

And the parade of multi-man matches just keeps rolling along. The concept of UnderSeller in an I Quit match is intriuging to say the least. The same “I hit you, he hits me, you hit him” formula we’ve seen all night begins. Taker gets the microphone and asks for a submission… after a pumphandle slam. Someone explain the concept to him. Booker T clotheslines everyone and brings in garbage, setting up a trash can in the buckles and a table in the middle. Then, logically enough, he uses a chair on both men instead. He finds the mic and asks for a submission. Taker won’t, of course. (Oddly, both Booker and Taker seem to be making actual covers while trying for a submission. Just stick the mic in their face, guys!) The match suddenly stalls as we see DDP and Shane McMahon having an impromptu street fight in the parking lot. Shane takes his usual Suicide Bump through a plate glass window as they fight to ringside. Kendo Stick Fu from Shane, Angle helps out DDP, and suddenly the undertaker chokeslams Booker T… and gets the win… with a cover? What the hell was that? -** as some booker (Not Booker) has no idea of what an “I Quit” match is all about. As if things weren’t confusing enough, we get a post-match brawl. Angle gets chokeslammed, DDP gets a Bookend through the table and Taker celebrates with the guy he just pinned… Angle? Swerve? IWA scriptwriter on drugs? You decide… Now, how about a singles match?

Steve Blackman & Rob Van Dam vs X-Factor

Nope. Well, a straight tag-team match… better than nothing, I guess. Too bad it’s got X-Factor’s in it. Ugly-ass opening, with everyone blowing moves left, right and center. X-Pac misses the bronco buster, RVD uses an abdominal stretch, then tries the Van-Daminator. (They’re trying to finish this one quick… maybe X-Pac promised to share his stash afterwards…) X-Pac uses a spinning heel kick to block the Van-Daminator and hits a missile dropkick. RVD no-sells, getting 2 off a full nelson bomb and splash. RVD uses a bear hug(!), X-Pac kicks him in the nuts to break. RVD blocks the X-Factor and tags in Blackman. X-Pac lowblows him as well, and once again misses the bronco buster. Leathal kick gets 2 before Credible breaks the cover. Ref gets bumped as X-Pac hits the X-Factor, Blackman instantly recovers and produces a kendo stick. (From where? Maybe Shane left it behind…) Even the ref no-sells, reviving to count 2 after the shot. Double tag, RVD hits the Van Terminator, X-Pac runs-in and hits the X-Factor and (Finally) the bronco buster, Credible covers for 3 while Blacman scratches his ass on the apron. DUD What if they gave a war and no-one sold anything? It’d be this match…

Rejection Rumble

This is an interesting concept. The participants are IWA fans(!!) in a royal rumble-type match. Do I really have to recap backyard wrestling on a PPV? No, no I don’t… some guy named Eric wins. (And has a better match than X-Pac and D-Lo put together… at least he hit some spots…)

Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit vs. Mankind

Spot the odd man out in this one… The Canadian Chris’s beat Mankind down before Benoit slaps a sleeper on Jericho. Jericho slides out and it’s yet another three-way brawl. Gosh, how exciting. Really looking forward to that Fatal Four Way at the end of the night. Everyone tries for submission holds, making for a dull opening. Benoit mixes it up a bit, hitting three rolling snap suplexes on Jericho. He misses the swandive as Mankind brings out the barb-wire 2×4. Al Snow runs down to ringside and manages to persaude Mick not to risk a DQ. Al Snow playing the Voice of Reason? Believe it.. or not! They trade pinfall reversals before Mankind superplexes Benoit onto a prone Jericho, getting 2. Mr Socko comes out for the Madible Claw on Jericho. Worst counter of the night as Jericho somehow manages to backdrop Mankind to escape. Huh? Crossface on Mankind, he makes the ropes. Jericho bulldogs Benoit and Lionsaults both men. He pins Benoit to end this painful mess. DUD Everyone was half-assing this one. Doubly so for Mick.

-Backstage, someone trashes Foleys office.

Mick Foley Hardcore Gauntlet Match

No wonder Mick was a non-factor in the last match. He has five opponents, one after another. (Well, four, as one is Head.) Al Snow is the first man out. Generic garbage free-for-all breaks out as Sno gets some revenge for all those jokes about him in Foleys books. Mick finds a monitor under the ring. Say what? Street signs, 2×4’s, trash cans, etc. Eventually, he pins Al Snow in a dumpster.

Head is the next. Foley is attacked by Mankind(!!!) (Note to whoever is trying to kill Foleys gimmick by putting someone else in the Mankind mask… you’re in BIG trouble!) Kane also stalks-in, chokeslamming Snow. Foley eventually pins head.

Gangrel enters stage left, and it’s less than three minutes before the Run-In Gang’s latest member, Sabu, hits the ring. Handcuff Insanity breaks out, Mick snaps them like Superman. Double-arm DDT eliminates Gangrel.

Tazz is next, bucking the trend by not having a run-in. Thumbtacks come out, of course. End comes as Tazz gets rolled into a pin after he applies the Tazzmission.

Raven gets his shot, which is wrecked when Shane Helms chairshots him. Tommy Dreamer also arrives, DDT-ing people at random.

The final (MYSTERY) opponent is Vince McMahon. Steph makes the run-in, to no avail. Mick retains in probably the best section of the match. Well, six, count ‘em, six run-ins and a parade of stupid garbage spots. DUD and that’s being generous.

Cactus Jack vs. Rhyno (2/3 falls U.S Title Match)

Okay, either someone on the booking committee hates Foley, or there’s some more gimmick infringement going on. The first fall is in a Electrified Cage. Lots of shots into the steel, before Jack climbs the cage(!ZAP!) and jumps onto Ryhno… who rolls him up for the pinfall. Well that was fucking anti-climatic. Second fall, Mexican Glass match. (Read: countless glass spots and blading as they simply dump tons of glass into the ring. Pleasant sight, no?) Jack wins the fall after a legdrop. Third fall is the Stairway To Hell Match. Super-contrived stunt bump as Rhyno is locked in a cage and pushed off the top of a scaffold for Mick to retain. -**

The Rock vs Triple H vs Shawn Michaels vs Stone Cold Steve Austin

Three words. BIG. UGLY BRAWL. Half-way through, Austin and Michaels go through the announce table, HHH brings in the sledge and Vince hobbles in. Everyone hits their finisher, Vince gets Rock Bottomed, and finally a masked man runs-in to Pedigree HHH, allowing The Rock to pin and retain. DUD

The Bottome Line: Run-ins up the wazoo, matches with the flow of a bad improvised jazz session and a total lack of any logic. The less said here… the better.

Strong Recommendation to Avoid.

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for Wrestlebowl II

This card is an interfederational event, and is it long? Yes, yes it is… two tapes, boasting 66 wrestlers from 16 federations. This may take a while to recap… but who needs a life anyway… not me!

-We are LIVE from the Pontiac Silverdome. Big crowd, announced at 93, 136… ah, the Wrestlemania III count is in use tonight! We get a video package from the inaugural Wrestlebowl, before viewing the arena. Two rings and a scaffold have been erected. Your commentators are Stan Carter and Johhny Diamond. They run down the card, which is covering all the bases… Survivor series, Scaffold, War Games, Lumberjack, Tables, the whole nine yards. Winners advance to a two-ring battle royal, the two winners of that wrestle for the one million dollar prize. Stan Carter refers to the card as “Pro Wrestlings All-Star Game, Pro Bowl and Survivor all in one!” If some fat guy walks around naked or someone tries to kill a pig, I’m switching off! Oh, and someone has no-showed, apparently. This may be important later.

-Backstage, Bobby Nash interviews Nick “God of Wrestling” Demola and “Nightshade” Jeremy Locke. Demola is scared of heights… that should make his scaffold match a real winner.

Nick “God” Demola & “Nightshade” Jeremy Locke vs Sabbath & The Wasp (Tag Team Scaffold Match)

Pre-match, Locke reveals he’s brought boltcutters to the ring… Demola is revealed to have brought handcuffs… presumably to attach himself to the scaffold. Wuss. Sabbath charges the ring and clotheslines a distracted Demola. The Wasp brings a shopping cart full of steel chairs to the ring. (Were they on sale or something?) Locke gets beaned with one as The Wasp tosses them everywhere. He responds with a lariat. In the other ring, Demola is Tiger suplexed by Sabbath. Locke switches rings and spears Sabbath. Demola and Locke argue over who gets to stomp on Sabbath, leading to a trainwreck as Wasp bodyblocks everyone. Sabbath and Wasp exchange a manly, non-homosexual hug as Locke begins to climb the scaffold. Demola follws very slowly. Eventually, everyone is up top except Demola, who’s selling his fear of heights very well. Locke takes a baseball slide from Wasp, leaving him dangling. Demola runs in to make the save, then bails back to the relative safety of the ladder. Wierd-looking sequence as Sabbath and Locke dangle over the side after a sunset flippy-type thing. It’s basically a long, ugly setup for a free-falling powerbomb off the scafold, drilling Sabbath in a tooth-rattling bump. Demola literally crawls out onto the scaffold towrds Wasp. This does put him in perfect position for the first ballshot of the night. Demola shoves him off the scaffold for the win. DUD Just a nothing match.

-Thirty Minutes Ago; Commisioner Rosendorf chats with Guest Referee Rick Styles in the parking lot. A fleet of Hummers arrive. I’m not sure who was driving them, so don’t ask. From the Hummers emerge members of the Shootfire Pro Wrestling federation. Their president introduces them all. This may be important later. Or it may just be a waste of PPV time.

Last Blood Weapons Match: “Top Gun” Ben Tuckwell, “Rock Hard” Chris Stevens, Tracker, Brandon Franklin, “Flying Scotsman” Neil McDougall, Shack The Wrecker, and “International Excellence” Tyrone Parker

“Bad Boy” McCade and “Big Mean Tough Guy” arrive to do color commentary. BMTG’s comments make one yearn for Steve “Mumble” McMicheals. Although there’s only seven participants, they’re entering in 2-minute intervals. Okay. Shack the Wrecker is number one. He brings an aluminum baseball bat. Tyrone Parker is #2, and hasn’t brought a weapon. Now there’s confidence! A swing and a miss from Shack, Parker launches a bodyblock. Shack catches him, delivering a bodyslam with a ball bat chaser. Shack Fu follows, Parker armdrags him down. Shack loses the bat and gets a hurricane DDT (The Floridian equivalent to a Tornado DDT, I believe) from Parker. A nice move-reversing sequence follows, with Parker eventually taking a sidewalk slam. Shack presses Parker but misses a legdrop. Suplex from Parker, he gets a knee in the face as he attempts a german. Shack crotches him on the top rope and boots him to the floor. They brawl on the outside as the “two-minute period” reaches 4.20 by my watch. Shack bops Parker with the ball bat, Parker blades and is gone. The announcers say there’s six seconds left before the next man. Uh, sure. Luckily, Brandon Franklin jumps Shack from behind, hitting a neckbreaker. He’s brought an oh-so-original kendo stick. BAMBOO VIOLENCE OF DEATH occurs as they return to the ring. Franklin baits the crowd, allowing Shack to recover. They brawl in the ring with slams and clotheslines before Franklin applies a camel clutch. Shack powers out before the crowd can get bored, so Franklin returns to the kendo stick offense.

“Rock Hard” Chris Stevens (And no, I’m not even going to speculate on THAT nickname) is next in. He steals the kendo stick and bops Franklin with it. Blind charge, Franklin back-drops him out. Stevens lands neatly on his feet, slides back in and hits a nice German on Franklin. They brawl, Shack pummels both of them and tosses Stevens again. He tosses Franklin around like a football, Stevens makes the save but runs into the knees on a blind charge. Shack uses the Big Man advantage, powerslamming Franklin onto Stevens. Franklin no-sells, hitting a full nelson facebuster as Tracker arrives. He slingshots in, clotheslining Stevens with a chain-wrapped fist. Stevens juices to end his night. Shack swipes the chain as Franklin attacks and monkey flips Tracker. Shack clotheslines Franklin out and gets DDT’ed by Tracker, who chokes him with the chain. He hits an Ace Crusher, then an unexpected somersault plancha onto Franklin. Tracker hits a flying kneedrop on Shack and heads up. Franklin pops up and chairshots him back to the mat, where Shack drops a chain-wrapped elbow on him. Franklin sets up his chair… and sits down for a breather. Cute. Shack whips Tracker with the chain, but runs into a dropkick. Tracker hits a picture perfect quebrada, then rolls out to interrupt Franklins break period with a clothesline. He rolls him in, Shack belly-to-backs him from one ring to the other.

“Top Gun” Ben Truckwell is next in, with a barb-wrie wrapped ball bat. He loses it right away and pairs off with Franklin. Nice cobra clutch bulldog from Truckwell and a shooting star press. Tracker and Shack brawl on the outside, with the steps getting involved. Shack rolls in, finds the barb-wire bat and eliminates “Top Gun” with it. Ironys a bitch, huh? Trainwreck as Tracker takes Shack over the top ropes and Franklin tope suicidas both of them. “The Flying Scotsman” Neil McDougall is the last man in. He retreives a ladder from under the apron as the brawl continues. He sets it up in the ring and hits a somersault plancha onto all three men. Jaw-dropping move follows as McDougall rolls in, only to have Tracker springboard onto the ladder, riding it down onto the Scotsmans body. Ouch! Franklin crawls under the ring as Tracker misses a moonsault off the ladder. McDougall one-ups him by hitting a fameasser off the ladder. Shack rolls in with the barb-wire bat, McDougall produces a telescoping baton. (As seen on “Cops”) They recreate the duelling scene from “Rob Roy” as Franklin emerges with a chair. Make that a fire chair. A brief Mexican standoff occurs until Tracker dropkicks Shack and Franklin into one another. McDougall is quick enough with the HARDCORE FIRE EXTINGUISHER OF DOOM to put everyone out, luckily. Tracker is eliminated messily as Franklin chairshots the baseball bat back into his face. McDougall heads up the ladder, actually pole-vaulting off to hit a karate kick on Shack. Shack no-sells, hitting a sidewalk slam on Franklin, then garabbing McDougall. Scots Fu breaks him loose and a “Jailbreak” DDT onto the chair busts open Shack. McDougall and Franklin uses their repesctive weapons to fence which the commentators liken to “The Phantom Menace”. (Shoot the floppy-eared thing! SHOOT IT!) McDougall somersaults over Franklin, and suddenly Franklin is trickling blood. How? McDougall’s staff is rigged with a small blade, it seems. Gotta love guys that think ahead! ** The usual big brawl, salvaged by some inventive ladder moves, some natural skills from Tracker, McDougall and Franklin, and a very cinimatic ending.

-Outside, the SWP wrestlers are told one of them gets to cover for the no-show. The SWP wrestlers decide to use the “prop” ring set up in the parking lot to determine which of them gets the shot.

The Lady In Red/Tommy “Lord” Lionheart/”Erotic” Erin McCoys vs “Tornado” Tara Smith/Johhny “Sexy” Bod/Tigress (Intergender Tables Match)

The menfolk start things off, with Bod getting the best of a leapfrog sequence. He launches a back elbow off a table, but misses an elbow. Criss-cross, Lionheart hits a triple revolution headscissors, then misses a springboard moonsault. Double tag-outs bring in TLiR and Smith. Tigress make the blind tag during a criss-cross, Smith gets powerslammed. Tigress is legal, hitting a dropkick. Double suplex, Tigress attempts another to put Red through a table. Red blocks and gutbusts her on the ropes. McCoys is tagged in, she tags Red back in instantly as Red tags Smith. Neckbreaker and legdrop, Smith deposits Red on the buckle. She tags in Bod, who mounts the buckle and gyrates in Reds face. I didn’t really need to see THAT. Red puts a smile on the face of every woman watching by reversing his rana into a powerbomb through the table to eliminate Bod. Tigress enters, but is DDT’ed by Red. Spinebuster, tag to Lionheart. Belly-to-belly on Tigress as Carter starts mixing up everyones name. Lionheart brings in more tables, sets one up, and gets stungunned through it by Tigress. Womans Lib Lives! Erin McCoys hits the ring. Erin Kick and Acid Drop on Tigress. Erin blindsides Smith on the apron, but runs into the knees on a blind charge. Tigress side-kicks her onto a table and goes up. Moonsault hits nothing but the table as McCoys rolls away. Tigress is eliminated on a technicality. (Erin touched Tigress’s foot on the way down according to the ref.) Smith jumps McCoys, tossing her out. She bounces off a table, which doesn’t break. They brawl, Smith DDT’s McCoys and places her on a table. She heads topside, “Crimson” Joe Reed stands in the way, allowing Red to superplex the distracted Smith through a table.** Not bad, though quite brief, even with the post-match festivities. (McCoys gets splashed through a table by Smith just for the hell of it.)

-Backstage, Strictly Business cut a promo.

The Ghost Dancers vs. Steel Cage (w/ Keri and Ms. Brown) vs. Strictly Business vs. Too Damn Nasty (Ladder Match)

Hanging above the ring… two passes into the Wrestlebowl battle royal. However, pinfalls count as well. Too Damn Nasty do a run-in BEFORE the opening bell, attacking Strictly Business in the aisle. A huge brawl breaks out as Ghost Dancers and Steel Cage duke it out in the ring. Jason Keening drills Michael Cage with a DDT off the top, then makes the save as Sean Cage gets a loooonnnggg 2 on Michael Keening. Everyone makes the ring, which makes the confused brawl doubly confusing. Strictly Business get another protracted 2-count on Craig Miller of Too Damn Nasty off a backdrop powerbomb. Millers partner brings in a chair as we get two seperate matches happening at once. After an impossible-to-recap few minutes, Strictly Business hit their “Flash and Cash” blockbuster/crucifix powerbomb finisher onto a chair to eliminate Too Damn Nasty. Steel Cage and The Ghost Dancers run through some various Irish Whip combos before Strictly Business join in the fun. Too Damn Nasty are seen to still be at ringside. Looooong 2-count on Michael Cage by Jason Keening, Sean Cage gets lowbridged by Two Damn Nasty. They beat on him, Michael Cage makes the save with a no-hands plancha. They fight up the aisle and out of the match. We get the first attempt at the passes from Tucker of Strictly Business, Michael Keening suplexes him down and to the outside. His partner joins him, contrived (Though undoubtably impressive) spot as Michael Keening lauches a corkscrew plancha, using the ladder (held on an angle by his brother) as a launching pad. Sebastian returns to the ring, then tosses out Jason K. Piledriver through a table for JK, Sebastian brings in the REALLY BIG LADDER OF INSANITY. Tables get set up, in the ring and out, Sebastian places Mike Keening on one. Michael hangs on the Sebastian, so Tucker simply jumps on both of them off the 15-footer. Eventually, Tucker recovers enough to try for the passes, Mike Keening missile dropkicks the ladder out from under him, chairshots begin. Guys, I think you just did the Big Bump… what do you want, a fatality to end this match? Two men go up, their partners dropkick the ladder, down they come again. Michael Keening goes up… taking plenty of time so that Sebastian can recover from a spill to the floor and go up the 15-foot ladder again. One last big bump as he hits a flying back suplex to take Keening off the the ladder, Tucker climbs to secure the win for Strictly Business. *3/4 Big spot cocktail, with a brawl chaser.

-Since we obviously haven’t had enough confused brawls yet, we cut back out to the impromptu battle royal in the carpark. Luckily, we just get some highlights, then it’s back… for a War Games match. Well, at least I didn’t have to recap 33 singles matches… Gary Allen from the UEW joins the announce team for this one. Long talk segment as they set up the cage.

War Games (Team UWF vs. Everyone Else)

UEW’s Marcus Colby arrives as special referee. (Special, because he’s had issues with both teams, it seems) In a major break with tradition, all of the team members come out to ringside. That should cause a huge brawl if nothing else does. Team UWF consists of Tragedy, (With his wife, Comedy. Wow, that’s like… deep, man.) “The Darkhorse” Randall Osbourne, “Crimson” Joe Reed, “Hotspot” Scott Daniels, and “Agony” Michael Augustine. Their opponents are Alex Martinez, (The “Last American Badass”… give me a break, Mr Originality) The Outlaws, (Including “Doc Holiday”… see my comments to Martinez, Doc) William Craven and “Playboy” Ronnie D. Ronnie has to be dragged in by security, obviously not too keen on the whole concept. A total lack of team harmony is evident on both sides, with Reed and Augustine arguing over who gets to start. What, no gimmicked backstage draw? Well, so long as we have a gimmicked coin toss… Eventually the entire UWF team are fighting about the issue as Brent Maverick of the Outlaws is elected to start things off for Team Everyone. Finally, Daniels takes matters into his own hands by entering the cage behind the collective backs of the UWF Debating Team.

That’s the longest intro of any match I’ve ever seen. Well, except for that monkey in WTFL… Right, on to the match. Daniels gouges to win the opening slugfest, Maverick goes to the throat in response. Gutwrench backbreaker, Daniels blocks a shot to the cage and sends Maverick in. Maverick doesn’t blade, which is usually compulsary in War Games matches. Ronnie D suddenly bails from ringside, Osbourne gives chase. They brawl on the floor as Daniels and Maverick do likewise inside. Daniels applies a crossface, as Martinez wins the Gimmicked Cointoss (YES!) and sends in Holliday. Osbourne chases Ronnie D into the stands as I go quietly insane trying to recap what feels like FIFTEEN FUCKING MATCHES ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE throughout this entire card! Sorry, but I needed that… Indside the ring, Daniels takes on both Outlaws at once, completly negating the “War Games Heel Advantage” rule. The Oulaws take over eventually, hitting the “21 Of Spades”(?? What casino do these guys play in?) just in time for Reed to make the save. Ronnie D and Osbourne have made it to the balcony, Ronnie having bladed en route. (Unlike anyone in the actual cage… am I the only one who sees something wrong with that?) The Outlaws do a quick do-si-so off a whip for twin dropkicks. They double team Daniels, Maverick makes the save, Craven is next in. He takes too much time removing his mask and gets a hangmans neckbreaker. You’d think he could have done that during the ten minutes he’s been at ringside. Craven shrugs it off and uses his size advantage, pummeling the Outlaws. Tragedy is next in, after a realllly truncated “two minute period”. (About 1 minute, ten seconds by my reckoning) He brings in a chair, Doc Holliday throws a fireball, (?? From a COWBOY?) Tragedy blocks with the chair. He kabongs Holliday and Craven. Craven no-sells and goes for the chokeslam. (No where have I seen THAT before?) Reed blocks it by gutwrenching Craven. Tragedy tries to apply the “Tragic Ending” on Holliday, Maverick breaks it with a springboard bulldog. Martinez in next in, cleaning house without breaking a sweat. (Paging Mr Nash, your gimmick is being stolen..) Osbourne and Ronnie D appear again… on the Jumbo-Tron. Oh, for Gods’ sake, just do the Insanity bump and put this angle out of it’s misery. (Or at least, my misery…) It’s a free-fall for Ronnie D, and a BIG SPLASH OF ANGLE-KILLING DOOM for Osbourne. (After a really badly booked spot where Osbourne bites a lump of latex.. sorry flesh.. out of Ronnies’ head. That’s not just over-the-top, it’s over the top, down the other side and across the fucking Sahara, people.) Augustine enters the cage, going toe-to-toe with Martinez. Tragedy helps put the hurt on Martinez, until Holliday helps out. Sick bump (Unlike the stunt bump from D. and Osbourne) as Holliday gets pressed first into the roof of the cage, then out through the closed cage door by Augustine. Osbourne is up by this point, after his 25-foot fall. (For an encore, he’s going to walk across some water and feed the Wrestlebowl crowd with 2 Twinkies and a 6-pack of hotdog buns…) Doc Holliday has climbed to the top of the cage, as the match continues endlessly. He breaks up a pointless valet catfight by splashing the ladies. He puts Comedy in a chokehold, Tragedy tries to exit the cage to save her, Colby won’t let him. So Tragedy submits.

Fucking WHAT? What the hell was that about? There’s ten guys in the match and you have to have an overbooked, contrived ending that makes ZERO sense? Who are you trying to protect here? Just have someone do the job, for Christs’ sake! I’m not even commenting on the huge brawl that breaks out after the match. -** for the whole schemozzle, -**** for the Ronnie D/Osbourne Moron Bump.

-We go to an interval, I change tapes and have a shower to wash of the feeling of that last matches ending.

-Outside, the Impromptu Slobberknocker continues. The Shotfire wrestlers are hitting each other with spare parts by now. Joy.

-Back inside, The commentators announce Erin McCoys will take no furter part in Wrestlebowl due to broken ribs and a concussion. Ronnie D. is not pronounced DOA, which surprises me.

Elimination Match: “Cowboy” Ken Curtis/The Ace Of Hearts/”The American Rage” Chris Page/Steppenwulf vs. “Too Cool” Chris Hopper/”The Dream” Michael Bailey/”Mr Ratings” Warren Hayes/The Knick Man

Last Years Wrestlebowl champ, Shane Matthews is guest ref for this one. Man, is this card full of guys named “Michael” and “Chris” or what? More inter-team squabbles as Hayes refuses Hoppers order to start things off. The Knick Man plays peacemaker by volunteering to go in instead agianst AoHearts. Ace cheapshots Hayes on the apron, Matthews prevents him from entering. Now Hayes wants the tag, Ace immediatly tags to Steppenwulf before Hayes can get to him. Okay, that was cute… Hayes strikes with some CANADIAN VIOLENCE on Steppenwulf who responds with some educated feet. Matthews breaks them up, Hayes cheapshots behind the refs back and tags in Bailey. “The Dream” is using an oh-so-tasteful transvestite gimmick, incidently. Steppenwulf wisely tags to Page. Bailey backdrops him and tags Hopper. DDT and German suplex for 2. Hurricanana is countered with a powerbomb, Page uses the ropes for leverage. At 2, Matthews spots the feet on the ropes and refuses to count the three. Page hits a beautiful swandive headbutt on YOUR Face Captain In Peril, flying three-quarters of the way across the ring. It gets 2. DVD, Hopper sneaks in a superkick. Page responds with “America The Beautiful”, which is an interesting name, seeing as it’s a clothesline.(!) Page covers for 2 and change. Hopper blind tags to Knick Man. A reversed whip and spiked neckbreaker gets 3 for Knick Man to eliminate Page. Ace comes in quickly, leading to a double KO clothesline. Double tag brings in Bailey and Curtis. Bailey spears Curtis, then runs right into a spinebuster. Curtis tags in Steppenwulf, powerbombs the hell out of Bailey, and a Steppenwulf frog splash eliminates the bikini-clad warrior. Hopper comes back in, calling out Curtis. Steppenwulf grudgingly tags him in, and we have the captains squaring off. Mat-wrestling sequence, Curtis boots Hopper in the gut as they tie up a second time. Stungun gets 2 before Hayes makes the save. Hopper ducks a lariat, sets up for the Powerload, then switches it into an STF. The tap is teased, Ace makes the save. Curtis ducks a heel kick and belly-to-backs Hopper into his teams corner. Steppenwulf grabs him, leading to heel miscommunication and a Curtis lairat for Steppenwulf. Steppenwulf is irate, charging into the ring. A big shove sends his captain into a roll-up by Chris Hopper, exit Curtis stage left. Steppenwulf and Ace double team Hopper, getting 2 off a Falcons Arrow. Steppenwulf superplexes him for 2.99. Ace tags in and tries the Ultimate heel cover. (Ropes AND a handful of tights.) Once again, it’s spotted at 2 by Matthews. Spiked piledriver gets 2.999. Steppenwulf blantantly chokes, ignoring Matthews count. Matthews pulls him off, a shoving match ensues, Hopper crawls unnoticed for the tag. Flying bulldog from the Knick man and Steppenwulf is gone. Ace hits the Snake Eyes on Kick Man for 2.75. Knick Man wins a suplex battle and hits another bulldog. Bailey runs back to ringside to throw “Heel Powder” in Hoppers eyes. Hayes, the only heel on Hoppers team loves it, of course. Knick Man lays out Bailey, allowing Ace to hit the “C.R.A.P.S” on him for 3. In a moment of brilliant irony, Hayes hits the “Ratings Plunge” on Ace to win the match. ***** Now THAT is what I’ve been missing. Perfect ring pyschology, a story told simply and well, and picture-perfect execution in all areas. The classic commentary from Johhny Terror and Johnny Diamond was the icing on the cake, with Stan Carter playing straight man the whole way through.

-Postmatch, Hayes beats down Matthews, who’s got a free ticket into the final match, due to his win the year before. Hayes evens the playing field by locking in a figure four. Johhny Terror makes the save by dropping the ring bell on Hayes’s head. If I hadn’t already handed out 5 stars, this would have scored bonus pysch points.

“The Great Hunt”: Alex Extreme vs. The Warlock/Ketiak/”Titan” Mikhael Therbenko/Christian Madison/Jamie Roberts/Brian Storm/Johnny Spades

The concept here is this… Alex Extreme is the “prey”, the others, the “predators”. Anyone can win the match by pinning Extreme. Predators can by eliminated by being pinned. Extreme can only win by outlasting everyone else. Got that? Therbenko doesn’t arrive, neither does Warlock. Warlocks monkey, “Oog” does, though. He bears a note, claiming that Warlock has been replaced with “The 7-Up Yum Man”. It’s Warlock in a mask. (W/soda cans) Apparently it’s one of his more obscure gimmicks. (And there’s probably a very good reason for that. The 7-up Yum Man???) Backstage, Alex Extreme cuts a cocky promo, then heads out to ringside. 7-Up man is entertaining(?) the crowd by spraying soda on his opponents. Extreme proceeds to lie down, leading to an unseemly scramble as people try to pin him. This is followed by the all-in brawl as Extreme causually bails. Everyone gives chase, leading to our second Jumbo-Tron Bump of the night as Keitiak leaps on the pack, while simultaneously DROPPING A CINDERBLOCK ON 7-UP MAN’S HEAD! Now that’s just going too fucking far! Even with an obvious dummy cinderblock, Warlock should be clinically braindead after that spot. Placing my own brain in neutral, I note that the commentators shrug it off as if Warlock takes bricks in the head on a daily basis. (He’s pinned afterwards, as if it matters.) Extreme tries to bail, running into Therblenko in the backstage area. (Maybe he just took a while to haul his gigantic ass to ringside?) Storm chairshots the big man as Ketiak gets 1 off a bulldog. Everyone fights back to ringside, (Except Spades, who’s just too cool to get involved) where Ketiak uses RENTAP, WAR-MALLET OF DEATH on Madison. Extreme hits a rockerdropper to spike the ball, eliminating Madison. Ketiak drops a swandive headbutt, Spades pulls him off at 2. Ketiak calls Spades in, Storm springboard bulldogs Ketiak from behind. Extreme bails, running into a savate kick from Roberts for 1. Therblenko breaks up the cover by tossing Roberts into the stands like a paper dart. He then catches Storms attempted bodypress, but gets lowblowed by Extreme. Abrubtly, a golf cart with Extremes stablemates arrives to aid his getaway. However, on the way back up the aisle, a red van drives out from the backstage area(??????) and we get a nasty collision. You have got to be fucking kidding me… Ketiak brings out a ladder, prompting Diamond to say, with no apparent irony “This is about to get interesting”… “Get” interesting? WHAT FUCKING MATCH IS HE WATCHING? I lose a few minutes of ladder spots and run-ins as I check to see if I have anything stronger than beer in the house. Nope, nothing but a bottle of cough syrup… one more bump of the Jumbo-tron and I’ll give it a try… Finally, Johnny Spades ends the insanity by pinning Extreme after a cruxifix powerbomb, his first actual offensive move in the match. -*** and 3 red-hot pokers up the ass for whoever suggested the attempted vehicular homicide spot. Spades was sensible not to get involved in that mess, in my opinion…

-Postmatch, “Johhny Spades” reveals himself to be Warlock wearing dark glasses and a false moustache. Sorry, I really don’t care any more.

-Also postmatch, Stan Carter suddenly downgrades McCoys to “bruised” ribs and adds a rotaor cuff tear. Nice continuity, there… NOT! The next (And thankfully, final) preliminary match is a lumberjack match. The added stip is that one of the Lumberjacks will be selected to advance to the Battle Royal.

“The Candyman” Damien Rose vs. Trixxster

This is also Trixxsters retirement match. We’ll see how long that lasts… Trixxster takes the first bumb to the floor in short order, falling at the feet of Jeff Keenan. Brian Taylor makes the save for Trixxster, allowing him to get back into the ring. Please, no Lumberjack brawls.. I’m too drained to recap anymore multi-matches tonight. Rose gorilla presses Trixxter right back out again, Winterfresh and “Disgusting” Richard Dorkus go after him. (Wouldn’t “Disgusting” Dick Dorkus have a better ring to it?) The Contract Killers run-in with paintguns to once again save Trixxsters hide. Rose runs into a standing dropkick and a hurricanrana. Trixxster nails his “The Jokes’s On You” 450 splash for 2. A second 450 hits, for a long 2. Trixxster rolls out for a weapon. Well, a pumpkin anyway. Interesting. Taylor tries to backjump him, Keenan attacks Taylor. Brawl-for-all erupts on the outside as Trixxster brings in his pumpkin, but decides not to use it as he’s the face. This allows Rose to hit his “Sweet Tooth” inverted piledriver for 3. *1/4 Nothing really to speak of, but better than a lot of matches tonght. Postmatch, a handshake and a hug between Rose and Trixxster. Also, a cointoss puts Chris Corey of the Contract Killers into the battle royal.

-Outside, the Shootfire Pros are still going at it… Yep, nothing like a quick 90-minute match to pep you up for a battle royal. We even get a run-in(??? In an impromptu match?) as the “match” gets called off amongst rampant angle set-ups. So it WAS just a colossal waste of PPV time, then…

-Before the Battle Royal, we get to see some retired wrestlers in the stands. Lots of them. Finally we get the Guest Ring announcer, “Juvy” and we’re ready to wind this thing up. He does a “Top 3″ list of things to make WrestleBowl II better. For the record, here’s mine;

3) No red vans. Or, no vehicular angles, period.
2) Erase the memory of the War Games match from my mind forever.
1) Tell Shootfire Pro that the card was cancelled so they don’t arrive to waste time pointlessly.

Two Ring Battle Royal: Nick “God” Demola/”Nightshade” Jeremy Locke/”The Flying Scotsman” Neil McDougal/The Lady In Red/Strictly Business/William Craven/The Outlaws/Alex Martinez/”Too Cool” Chris Hopper/”Mr Ratings” William Hayes/Warlock/Chris Corey/”The Candyman” Damien Rose/”Sudden Death” Shane Matthews

Matthews goes straight after Hayes from the bell. (Continuity!) All hell breaks loose, and we get a sudden four-man elimination as The Outlaws bodyblock Strictly Business over the top. They brawl on the floor… then enter ring#2 for Battle Royal Part 2! AHHHHHHHHH! Isn’t a battle royal confusing enough without a second match going on at the same time?! Why do they torture me like this?!! Martinez does the old Giant/Nash/Hogan no-sell/elimation trick to remove Warlock. He joins the tag teams in Ring 2. To complicate matters further, Matthews and Hayes are brawling on the floor. I’ll skip ahead as Ring 1 empties and 2 fills up. The first true elimination is Brent Maverick, upended by Sebastian. Chris Corey goes out after salt in the eyes from Doc Holliday. (Are these guys Japanese cowboys or something? Salt, fireballs… jeez!) Tucker clotheslines Rose out as I give up on trying to recap this brawl. If anyone wants the tape, e-mail me and I’ll send you a copy. Suffice it to say, Martinez chokeslams and no-sells, and Strictly Business do the bulk of the eliminations in ring 2.

Skipping to the end, the final pairing is Alex “No-Sell” Martinez and Andrew Tucker from Strictly Business. Tucker takes several elbows from the Clonertaker and gets tossed out. We’re now in Last Man Standing rules, so we get a long 8-count before he rises. On the outside, Martinez hiptosses Tucker through the timekeepers table. He’s up at 9. Martinez misses a blind charge and hits the railing, Tucker chairshots him 4 times. Martinez is kind enough to sell the fourth. He also blades. He’s up at 7, though. Legscrew from Tucker and a corkscrew plancha for a double KO on the floor. Both men are up at 8, Tucker is powerbombed for a 6-count. He reverses a second powerbomb into a hurricanrana. They brawl up the aisle, tilt-a-whirl is countered with an armdrag by Tucker for another double 6-count. Tuckers partner Sebastian helps him up, referee Styles tries to send Sebastian back to the locker room. They get into an arguement, cueing the run-in from Doc Holliday. (w/branding iron) Tucker saves his partner, but turns into a Firebomb Chokeslam through some flimsy wooden steps. Tucker is counted out and Martinez wins Wrestlebowl II. We’ll just file that under “Foregone Conclusions”, shall we? *1/2 Remind me… isn’t the Main Event meant to be the BEST match on the card? Showed continuity, with SB/Outlaws, but there’s times you want to show restraint in your run-ins and angles and just let the guys wrestle. (Although, with Martinez selling nothing, that was probably never going to happen…)

The Bottom Line: Patchy as hell, with a killer Survior Series match, an unwatchable War Games and some decidedly average mid-card events. Mind-numbingly long as well, with far too many clusterfucks. Two words people… preliminary matches! Think about it for Wrestlebowl III…

Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.