The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for PHW’s “Hardcore Disease”

Okay, time for another one, Schmucksters! This PPV comes to us courtesy of Purely Hardcore Wrestling… sounds a litle ECW-ish? Well, let’s give it the benefit of the doubt and check it out!

-We are LIVE from somewhere or other. The show opens with a montage of chiarshots and some restrained pyro. Your hosts are Daveo “The Heel” and “Babyface” Bobby. The main event tonight is a scaffold match, it seems. Good lord, do these people never learn!

-The Offspring arrive, getting a good pop. (Unlike say, Master P.) They play “Smash” and depart.

-Backstage, the Stable Named After a Who Song are getting ready. One manages to get in a product plug before they head to ringside.

-Major Madd & Colonel Carnage vs. Da’ Goodfellaz vs. Razor Riot & Stamphead (Of “My Generation”) vs. Jazz & Virus (TLC Tag Title Match)

Riot and Stamphead charge the ring and we’re off and brawling! The nights first ballshot is hit at 0:20 and the first chairshot is thrown at 0:45. Jazz and Virus (The champions) make their entrance shortly after. They beat on Da Goodfellaz as Carnage plays Bob Euchre, throwing a chairshot that misses both of them! VanJazzinator drops him. Half the participants are in the ring, half outside… to call this an ugly brawl would be insulting to ugly brawls the world over! Goodfella Krack stunguns Madd and is immediately hit with a hurricanrana by Virus. BrawlQuest 2001 continues, with chairshots being thrown left, right and center. Madd and Carnage use the ladder for the first time, throwing it at Krack before Madd heads up. Goodfella Tony The Bull (Whoa, deja vu all over again!) German suplexes him off. A second ladder is in use outside the ring, where Jazz heads up to drop something on Razor. Razor bumps the ladder, sending Jazz plunging into Stampheads arms who nails the T.S.T. Stamphead tries for the belts, Tony drags him down, Virus executes the “Last Gasp” on him for chuckles. Virus then spears Tony through a table I never even saw being set up. Jazz sets up another table and heads up, Krack meets him at the top. With Carnages help, they just sort of plummet through the tables. Ugly, ugly spot. Followed by an even uglier one as Stamphead upends the ladder, practically breaking Carnages neck on the top rope in the process. The highspots kepp a’coming as Razor spears Madd off the top of Ladder 1, using Ladder 2 as a launching pad. Tony suddenly no-sells his trip through the table and heads up. Jackhammer arrives at ringside, pushing a dumpster. Tony and Virus fight at the top, Stamphead drop-kicks them over the top rope into the dumpster. No, I never saw that coming either! Carnage piledrives Stamphead, but takes a pumphandle DDT (Now there’s a combination I never thought I’d see…) from Riot. He heads up to claim the belts for the title. 3/4* The spear off the top was nice… the rest was like watching backyard wrestling done in the backyard of a crack-house.

-Backstage Hardcore Mikey cuts a short, though dull promo.

-Also backstage, Outlaw and AK cut a short, though profane promo.

-First Blood Battle Royal (Hardcore Title Match)

There’s eight men in this match… so I shall call it… Mini Rumble. (*little finger to mouth*) Outlaw attacks Jackhammer right off the bat, so the match starts with 3 men present, however. (Eroder being the third.) Gorilla press from Outlaw, he gets chop-blocked by Eroder’s drop-kick. He no-sells, hitting the “Implant Chokeslam” (huh?) as Chef appears with a chair. Well, that’s original. He runs right into a springboard moonsault from Jackhammer, who then punts Outlaw between the uprights. He tries a rana on Chef, who powerbombs him. Rich Loader enters. (His theme song is called “Everything Sucks”… I hope that’s not a prediction…) He punches out an audience plant… sorry, member who besmirches him with a “Loader is a tit” sign. He brawls with Chef, before getting hit with a flying clothesline by Eroder. Chef goes for the garbage… oddly neglecting a cookie sheet, which would have seemed somewhat appropriate. He chairshots Jackhammer, who blades and is eliminated. Twisted Kid enters. (Odd coincidence time: His shirt reads “New F’N Deal”… earlier, from Stampheads’ promo with My Generation “Hell F’N Yeah!”. And prior to that, quoth the Heel Anouncer, “One Word, PH “F’N” W”. Let’s have some new cliches to PHW, stat!) Twisted Kid drop-kicks everything that moves and gets a trash can in the face from Chef. Joey Morrus arrives, brawling with Outlaw on the floor. He uses a monitor, Outlaw blades, thanks for playing, seeya. Eroder hits a nice plancha as Mikey “No, Not Whipwreck, Although Many Have Made That Mistake” arrives. The big screen flashes his nickname… “Hard F’N Core Mikey”… good grief. Chef goes up for a 450 splash on Twisted Kid, who defends himself with a trash can. Chaf takes that one right in the Chocolate Salty Balls. (Well, not really, but it sounder cooler that way.) Loader eliminates Twisted Kid after chairshotting him into the trash can. Mikey still hasn’t even appoached the ring. Wuss. Eroder eliminates Morrus after a piledriver from the apron through a table. No word on whether he was paralyzed for life after that move… Mikey finally attacks Eroder, and finds a Barb-Wire Wrapped Baseball Bat. (As used by the Texas Little League, I believe.) Eroder is eliminated in short order. Mikey heads inside, bringing his manager/valet/little buddy/houseplant Steve The Cactus in as well. Chef brings in the STOP SIGN OF DOOM, kabongging Mikey as he tries a top-rope something-or-other. Blind charge, Loader back-drops Chef out. Loader then suffers the humiliation of having to blade off a Cactus-to-the-face from Mikey. Chef and Mikey wrestle VERY briefly, before Mikey hits the “Mikey Driver”. He sets Chef up on the top buckle and chairshots him, then brings in a large sheet of glass. One makeshift glass-topped table later, he’s up top looking for the FrankenMikey. Chef powerbombs him through the glass, Mikey bleeds legit, Chef wins the Xtreme Title. He doesn’t get to sing “Love Gravy” to my eternal disappointment, however. *1/4 Better than the first, and less of a clusterfuck than I was expecting. Still no world-beater, but there. Just.

-Pyscho Joe vs Squall (Intercontinental Title Parking Lot Brawl) Protracted walk-and-stalk as Pyscho looks for Squall to begin. Eventually, an attempted verhicular homicide is attempted. It’s not Squall, however. Just Devin Straight, who’s not in the match… he’s simply a lousy driver it seems. Squall finally pops up, hitting a reverse DDT on the blacktop for a long 2. Pyshco Joe uses a fire extinguisher (And no, I have no idea where the hell THAT came from) for 2. Cross-arm backbreaker gets 1 for Joe, Squall turns things with a Fishermans suplex for 2. They brawl around commentators Daveos’ car. There’s steel steps next to it… say what?! More pointless brawling sees Joe blade off a shot to a car door. He reverses a powerbomb into a DDT and we head to the backstage area. Joe spears a Coke machine. (Gratuitous Product Plug Alert!) The BIG BUMP alarm sounds as Joe slams Squall onto the Coke machine, then drags him out to the boot of his car. And drives it in reverse into a brick wall. (“WHO WAS DRVING THE CHEVY?!” Well, at least it wasn’t a Ford Pinto…) It gets 2 in the end. FORKLIFT OF DOOM is brought in, and we get another insanely convoluted ending that mirrors the Forklift Spot in WTFL’s “Game Over” as Squall hits a brainbuster off the forklift… through a cars sunroof. Yes, you read that right. Two not-small wrestlers try to hit a move through a sun-roof. Imagine how ugly THAT particular spot looked… then double it! It gets the pin and the third consecutive title change of the night. -*** for idiotic booking, insane risks to the wrestlers and the Magically Appearing Fire Extinguisher trick.

-”Xtreme” Johhny Blood vs. Krazy Kid (Empty Arena Match)

This one comes from the Joe Louis Arena. I still have no idea where the actual PPV emenates from. Neither does Daveo, it seems. A wrestling sequence from the bell, with Krazy getting in a neckbreaker. He re-defines “cocky” by showboating to the empty seats. Blood charges for a spear, but takes an armbreaker DDT . Bulldog is blocked, they brawl, Blood hits a nice clean dropkick. Krazy inziguris him as they both attempt camel clutches. They brawl and walk a while, Blood is bounced off a storage cupboard. He ducks a forearm and hits two rolling suplexes, bouncing Krazy off the cupboard on the second for 2. He searches the cupboard for a weapon, Krazy hits a German suplex and brings in the ever-present steel chair. He dings Blood with it, but as both men are having some sort of contest to see who can sell the least, it doesn’t keep him down for long. In a messy sequence, Blood manages to lock a sleeper on, putting Krazy out like a light. Pinfalls only, however, so he covers for 2. Krazy takes over, slamming Bloods head into a fire alarm. It goes off of course… cute. Blood blades and bleeds… badly. DDT onto the chair gets 2 for Krazy. He brings out the SPORTING EQUIPMENT OF HARDCORE HURTINESS from the cupboard, plus two tables. (Those pressboard tables are everywhere these days!) Blood sells just long enough for Krazy to set up a table, then puts him through it with a “Game Over”. He sets up the second, Krazy flips out of a powerbomb attempt. They brawl, with Krazy hitting a dropkick off the table. Bulldog puts Blood through the woodwork. Blood eventually pins for 2. He searches the cupboard again, finding another table. Krazy leg-sweeps him and searches the Cupboard Of Many Things. He finds a baseball bat. (Do they play baseball in the Joe Louis Arena?) Blood gets bopped with the ball bat, Krazy hits the Krazy Korkscrew. Blood then kills Krazys finisher stone dead by not only kicking out, but also by no-selling it. He locks the “End of The Line” on Krazy, who sells that one like a madman, trying to tap out. The ref won’t let him submit, so Krazy finally goes limp. Blood sets up the Climatic Bump, setting up two chairs on top of a table. Krazy suddenly decides not to sell the End of The Line, popping up to try to apply the same hold on Blood. They tussle, ending up on the table. I have no idea what happens next as the camera crew MISSES THE BUMP! It appears to have been some sort of underhook move, but it could have been anything… A suplex, a DDT, a meteroite strike… Blood gets the pinfall to win. ** Started off as the match of the night, with some nice action… just turned into No-Sells-A-Palooza ‘01. Still better than anything I’ve seen so far.

-We return to… hey, a caption! It’s Madison Square Gardens… I should have recognised it! We get a quick promo for the next PPV and see Metellica stting up before we move along to;

-Prodigal vs. Chaos Kid (Barb-wire ropes Ladder Match)

The backstory… Prodigal is the federations president, Chaos Kid is wrestling to stay in the PHW. The object hanging above the ring… Chaos Kids’ contract, naturally. Chaos risks his manhood by jumping over the barb-wire ropes as he enters the ring. A staredown, Chaos swings the first punch, leading to major fisticuffs. Chaos scores with a dropkick but runs into a boot on a blind charge. He ducks a clothesline and hits Prodigal with a facebuster. Prodigal claws his way up to a standing position and ducks an inziguri, applying an Inverted Native American Deathlock. Chaos reaches the ropes to break. (Risking major lacerations in the process) Prodigal charges into a drop toehold onto the top strand of barb wire, drawing first blood. Chaos lands a Recklessrana and brings in the garbage. Trash Can shots follow, before Prodigal blocks a powerbomb and T-bones Chaos through a table while they’re standing on it. Ouch. Van Prodiogalinator knocks Chaos into the barbed wire, Prodigal chairshots him a few times. Reminder: Never eat hamburgers during Barb Wire Matches… yeech! Prodigal heads out for the ladder as Chaos bleeds like a stuck pig. Prodigal heads up, Chaos chairshots the ladder, Prodigal falls… and performs a hangman in the barbed wire ropes! Good God Al-fucking-mighty. I breathe a sigh of relief as Chaos retrieves the contract, thinking that at least they didn’t try to top that spot. Right up until the moment that Chaos JUMPS ONTO PRODIGAL FROM THE LADDER! Do not try this shit at home, folks. I’m torn as to whether I should give the match a rating, as doing so might encourage someone to try to top that insanity… and I don’t want a fatality on my concience. Let’s give it *1/2, plus an extra 1/4 for at least making it short, if not painless.

-Mark Richman vs. “The Icon” Devin Straight (PHW Championship Scaffold Match)

I’m not sure when this PPV screened, but I know Mark Richman is currently wrestling in the WTFL. This is either before that, or he’s moonlighting… The belt hangs above the scaffold, making this a cross between a scaffold match and a ladder match. Richman takes some time to taunt the crowd, so Straight hits him with a springboard plancha on the floor. They brawl on the outside, with Richman hitting a suplex on the ramp. He applies the Lay-z-Boy for laughs, then goes for a chair. Blind charge, Straight bodydrops him into the fans. Straight tries a Van Straightinator, Richman shows some originality by simply throwing the chair right back in Straights face. They wander through the crowd awhile. Richman moonsaults off a retaining wall and dropkicks a trash can into Straights face. (A TrashCaninator?) Excruciatingly ugly move into the guardrail nearly kills Straight. He posts the champ, and hits a spinning heel kick off the steps. In the ring, Straight sets up a chair, but Cruel Irony gets involved as Richman DDT’s him onto it. A bladejob results. Powerbomb is blocked, Stright legsweeps Richman and slingshots him over the top rope. Straight deposits Richman on the announce table and drops a top-rope elbow on him. More bladejobbing, this time from both men. As they sell this like they’ve been shot, Dark arrives with 3 tables. He moves furniture, making a pyramid under the scaffold. Smell the Big Bump coming! Richman finds the KENDO STICK OF AGONY and climbs the scaffold. Devin heads up the other side. Where he finds a lead pipe. They beat each other silly as Dark returns… with petrol. He sets the tables aflame, Richman and Straight pummel each other again, Devin blocks a punch and chokeslams Richman off the scaffold and through the tables. Straight retrieves the belt as the ring crew extinguishes Fire Marshall Bill Richman. *1/2 Ten minutes of aimless wandering around, followed by one really risky bump. Neeeh.

-The Bottom Line: Well, the match-of-the-night weighed in at a miserable 2 stars. Just an endless parade of “Who can Take The Most Moronically Dangerous Bump”. Fine if you like that sort of thing, but not really my style. Watch if you must, but set your brain to “Neutral” first. And we never even got to hear Metallica!

Strong recommendation to avoid.

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for “CeWA’s Canadian Chaos”

Welcome back, my little Schmucksters… Now, for the Americanos in attendance… it’s time to head North-of-Your-Border… for an entire card of CANADIAN VIOLENCE! From Xenomorphs collection, we’ll check out the CeWA’s CANADIAN CHAOS!

-We are LIVE from Vancouver, Dramatic Pause, Canada. Your hosts are Fred Simpson and Howard Freestone. Xenomorphs tape includes a lengthy pre-game show with video packages detailing the match-ups. Handy.

Scotty Sorrow (w/Connie) vs Razor (Submissions match)

Connie is actually Razors fiancee, but Sorrow has kidnapped her. She’s being forced to wear an dog collar, and is handcuffed to a chair at ringside. (Okay, too much Bondage… more Discipline!). Scotty takes it to Razor once he slides in, clotheslining him and hitting the Cactus Knee in the corner. Scotty fights out with closed fists and a scoop slam. They lock up, leapfrog sequence to hip-toss by Razor. Scotty explodes off the mat and spears Razor. Anklelock is applied, Razor makes the ropes. Snap suplex, Razor ducks a kick and applies an armbar. Belly-to-belly and asai moonsault, Razor covers. Pinfalls count for nothing, of course. Scotty wins a brief brawl and hits a rana. Super Sorrow Spear from the top and Sorrow Splash as Connie miraculaously escapes her handcuffs. Sorrow Stopper, (I’m sensing a pattern developing…) Scotty notices Connie and poses as Razor hulks up. His clothesline is ducked and he’s dropped with a standing drop-kick. Sorrow applies the Sorrow Snap. Razor makes the desperate crawl to the ropes, snagging them on the second attempt. Scotty yells at the ref, allowing Razor to recover and hit a floatover DDT. Razor Plant and he locks in the Razor Burn. (aka the Walls of Ontario) Scotty nearly makes the ropes, so Razor drags him back into the center. Scotty finally taps out. **1/2 Good opener that hit all the right buttons. Still can’t figure out how Connie escaped the cuffs… maybe she’s just very flexible?

Backstage TV Champion Andrew McDonald cuts a promo. President Taylor arrives and plays “Hey, I’m just one of the boys” with Andrew.

Matt “Lightning” Bolt vs. Brett “Blood” Rose (World Title Semifinal)

Rose is beaned with a beer on the way to ringside. He proceeds to drag the fan out of the crowd. Bolt makes the save and the brawl is on. Bolt boots Rose in the gut and rolls him into the ring. Standing drop-kick and spear, Bolt gives Rose 20 closed fists in the corner. He Flair Flops. Suplex from Bolt keeps Rose bumping like a rubber ball. Rose climbs the turnbuckle, possibly to escape. Bolt simply shoves him off the top, sending him through the timekeepers table. Rose blades. (Well, actually he pops a blood capsule… either that or he’s suffering aterial bleding…) Bolt hits a two-footed stomp off the top. Elbowdrop in the ring is severly oversold by Rose. Clothesline, Rose tries a lowblow, but THAT little offensive flurry is blocked. Greco-Roman kick in the face gets 2. Bolt continues to Kill Rose with three consecutive DDT’s. Boston crab is applied, Rose bumps the ref. He taps, but the ref is out. Rose produces a handful of “Heel Powder” and throws it in Bolts’ face. Bolt sells this for less than five seconds before powerbombing Rose for 2. Moonsault, Bolt sets up the Thunderstorm. Rose reverses into “The Blood Clot” and puts Bolt out for the win. *1/2 So they try to give a world title contender heat by having Bolt beat 98 colors of hell out of him? Right-o…

Claw Richens vs. “The Cavaliar” Tom Knight (w/Guinevere)

This is the second semi-final match. Sporting handshake to start, before Richens plays heel and clotheslines Knight from behind. Release German, Knight lands on his feet and a quick roll-up gets 2. They fight over armdrags, before Knight hits a legsweep. He misses an enziguri and they mat-wrestle. Kight is back body-dropped to the apron, he races up for a missile drop-kick for 2. Nice snappy stuff from these two. Claw reverses a whip and clotheslines Knight to the floor. They brawl on the floor, with Knight taking some free trips to Ringpostland. Messy-looking sequence inside the ring results in a sunset flip for 2 by Knight. Cross-body gets 2 for Richens. Brett Rose wanders back to ringside and trips Knight. Knight rolls and and attacks Rose. Richens blows a plancha onto both, nearly killing himself on the railing. Rose bails as Richens and Knight return to the ring. Knight hits a backbreaker, then the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF MASSIVE DISCOMFORT. (Believe it or not, this is Knights finisher, the “Sword In The Stone”.) Claw passes out from hold (Wuss!) leaving Knight to advance. *1/4 Good start, but it just trailed off into a mess.

-Rizzo arrives at ringside to bait the fans. Backstage, Rose is reported to have attacked Tom Knight. Knight now wants the final match to be under Last Man Standing rules.

Andrew McDonald vs Mo’Bad (2/3 falls TV Title match)

We hit the headlock right off the bat. Leapfrog sequence, cross-body gets 1 for MacDonald. Drop toehold into STF. Mo reaches the ropes and bails. Fly axe-handle misses as MacDonald becomes the third man to maim himself on the guardrail tonight. Texas Cloverleaf from Mo. Andrew powers out and reverses it. Mo squirms free. Kick to the jaw drops MacDonald. Mo showboats. MacDonald is faking, and a roll-up gets 2. Albertbomb and swanton follow, before MacDonald sets up for his “9-1-1″ reverse DDT. Mo flips over and hits a reverse DDT of his own. He heads out for a chair. The ref tries to take it and gets shoved down. Mo places the chair on MacDonalds face and heads up for a moonsault. MacDonald moves, and Mo lands on the chair. He rolls out. MacDonald follws and chairshots him. The ref takes the chair, allowing Mo to lowblow MacDonald. Mo rolls in and hits a corkscrew plancha. He brings MacDonald back in for a 2-count before Maconald gets a foot to the ropes. Mo tries to use the belt, MacDonald ducks and hits the 9-1-1 for the pin and the first fall.

Fall Two is under First Blood rules. MacDonald pummels Mo and gets a table. He sets is up in the corner. Mo reverses a whip, and hits a Dragon Suplex to send MacDonald through the woodwork. They head outside and brawl through the fans to a merchandise booth. Much choking and punching. Mo returns for a little color commentary, (Now where have I seen THAT before? At least he didn’t sing “Smackdown Hotel”…) before the brawling continues. MacDonald T-bones Mo from the English table through the French table. The ref prevents Mconald using the monitor. Mo’s use of a camera is allowed, however. He entangles MacDonald with a cable and chairshots him several times. MacDonald blades, second fall to Mo.

Final fall is last man standing. Mo walks back to the locker room as EMT’s attend MacDonald. He returns with a ladder. Powerbomb is reversed into a hurricanrana into the ladder. The ref is bumped. Mo hits a guillotine legdrop with MacDonald beneath the ladder. Mo heads out and sets up two tables between the apron and guardrail. He places MacDonald on the tables and climbs the ladder in the ring. President Taylor arrives with a Rent-a-cop in tow. Security rescues MacDonald as Taylor shoves Mo off the ladder. Dual table beakage results. The ref is revived and counts the 3 for MacDonald to retain. ** Just tried to be too many things at once for me. Slightly rushed feel as well…

-Backstage, two interviewers compete for a chat with Brett Rose.

-Video package of the Superbeasts/Power and Glory feud.

Superbeasts (Jaye Doyle and Quezzy) vs Power and Glory (Brad and Paddy) (Tag Title Match)

The Superbeasts rip on Hogan/Savage with their ring attire and entrance music. You see why I love Canada? Quezzy hits a shoulderblock and backbody drop on Brad. He plays to the crowd, allowing a quick tag. Paddy hits a slam and drop-kick on Quezzy Morton. Brad is tagged in, double elbow and snap suplex for 2. Brad drops his head and is DDT-ed. Lukewarm tag to Jaye who does a quick Savage impression. Northern lights suplex and backbreaker, Quezzy tags back in. Double backdrop and piledriver. (Well, he’s now officialy used more moves than Hogan has in the last 5 years. Actually, Hogan used more moves in five minutes of “Rocky III” than he did in the last five years.) Powerslam from Brad, he crawls to his corner. Tepid tag to Paddy, tilt-a-whirl and superkick score. Standing moonsault for 2. Top rope sunset flip for 2. He hits a powerbomb and tags Brad back in. Frog splash for 2. Brad hits the sleeper. The arm drops twice before Quezzy… I dread to say it… Hulks up. He no-sells some punches, (Ah, THERE’s the Hogan we know and love…) and tags in Jaye. He cleans house and heads up. Quezzy hits the big boot and legdrop on Paddy at the same time as the flying elbow hits. Dual cover retains for the Superbeasts. * Freestone called it a “mockery”… I tend to agree. Been there, seen that…

Brett Rose vs Tom Knight (World Title Tournament Final: Last Man Standing)

Before the match we get an incredibly lengthy video package of Rose and Knights’ history. Suddenly, the whole “tournament” thing seems a little bogus. Make that a LOT bogus… “Blood” Rose lives up to his nickname, popping a blood capsule on the way to the ring. Now, THAT’S premature! We get the traditional stare-down-to-brawl prevalent in all the classic main events. Knight becomes Sir Punchalot, then hits a cross-body. Rose returns the favour with fist-a flying. Knight hits a drop-toehold. Elbow-drop and springboard moonsault from Knight. He works the arm. Rose rises at 4. (This is obviously a different Last Man Standing match than the pinfalls-counting one in the TV title match earlier.) Springboard drop-kick and baseball slide send Rose to the floor. Cactus elbow, the ref begins the count. Both are up at 7. Rose lowblows Knight. Suplex, and the classic bootrake to the eyes. Knight is whipped into the steps. Rose (Who’s now offically lost more blood than the entire NJPW roster has in their collective bodies) sets him up for a powerbomb. Knight reverses to a step-top facejam. Knight is up at 5, Rose at 9. Bulldog gets a 6-count. Knight clotheslines Rose down for 7. Blind charge runs Knight into the ringpost. Rose hits a sidewalk slam and works the knee. He chases Guinvere around the ring, running into a spear. Kight becomes the 4th victim of the GUARDRAIL OF DOOM, smashing into it on a pescado attempt. Rose brings him in and hits Knights own “Excalibur” top-rope clothesline move against him. It gets 7. Rose leg-drops Knight, then drapes him over the middle rope and does it again. Nasty. Frog splash misses, Knight responds with a low drop-kick. Backdrop and standing moonsault, Knight applies the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF… wait, I already did this one… Rose submits, but it doesn’t count in Last Man Standing matches. Thumb to the eye to break. Knight continues to dominate until a moonsault meets the upraised boot. Rose slingshots Knight clear over the top rope to the floor in a nice spot. He exposes the concrete and tries a suplex. Knight reverses into a face-first suplex onto the floor. Rose is up at 9 and has bladed legit. Knight hits a belly-to-back on the floor for a 7-count. Whip reversals see BOTH men into the guardrail. Into the crowd we go. They brawl back to ringside, double KO afterRose goes into the steps. Up at 5, Rose tries to run, Knight persues. Back in the ring, Knight chokes Rose and gets the count-along 10 punches in the corner. Russian legsweep gets 6. Knight applies a figure-four leglock and uses the ropes. Rose manages to roll over to reverse the hold and force the break. Rose works the knee, but a blind charge sees him take a belly-to-belly that dumps him face-first on the buckle. Mokeyflip and a series of elbows score, Knight goes up for the Excalibur. Rose ducks, Knight eats the canvas for 4. Rose locks in the Blood Clot, Knight immediately hits a jawjacker to escape. Both men up at 6, leapfrog sequence, Rose drops the head and takes an double underhook suplex. Drop-kick off the middle buckle gets 5. Knight pummels Rose and tries to take off his mask. Rose goes completely Shamrock at this, powerbombing Kinght out of the corner. Knight makes it up at 9.25. To the outside, Guinivere steps between the two. Rose chases her, slapping her to the floor. Knight rolls in and hits a nice suicide dive through the ropes onto the distracted Rose. He beats him down. It gets 6. Rose shoulderblocks the irate Knight and catapults him into the ringpost for 7. (And a quick bladejob) Rose runs into a drop toehold on the floor for 6. They return to the ring, Rose hits a neckbreaker. He returns to the knee, which Knight sells beautifully. (Pyschology!) Knight hits an enziguri to send Rose outside once more, then hits a cross-body off the top. Rose ducks a punch and piledrives Knight on the floor. Rose celebrates, but Knight is up at 9.75! They brawl to the one remaining announcers table, (No Spanish announcers north of the border, eh?) Knight deposits Rose onto it. Top-rope elbowdrop puts both men through the table. They’re both up at 9. Knight crawls back in, but Rose has secreted a 2×4 under the ring. He smashes Knight across the knee. It gets 6. Rose breaks the board across Knights back, which gets 8. He locks on the Blood Clot. The arm drops three times, but Rose maintains the hold for a full minute, then dumps Knight and waits for the count. Knight makes it up at 9.95! Rose entagles Knight in the ropes and tells (heel announcer) Freestone to throw him a chair. Guinevere slaps Freestone to prevent this happening. Rose gives a great “Good help is so hard to find ” look and goes for the chair himself. Guinvere gets in the ring, Rose shoves her down. He thinks about chairshotting her, but then makes the classic heel mistake of mouthing off instead. Knight recovers, kicking Roses chair back into his face. Knight goes up, as Rose beats the count at 9.99. Excalibur scores, with Roses’ skull bouncing off the chair on the way down. Long climatic count, as Knight rises at 9.99999. Rose can’t make it, collapsing at 10. Knight and Guinevere celebrate the title win, the crowd goes nuts, and we’re out of here. ***** Classic old-school Main Event, perfectly paced and well-booked. Rose has to stop going overboard on the blood, but that’s my only quibble.

The Bottom Line: A middle-of-the-road undercard, but a slam-bang main event… with a feel-good ending as the capper. Big props to Rose and Knight for tearing the place down. Maybe wait for that match to make a “Best of the CeWA” tape.

Mildly Recommended

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for MWF’s Suicidal Tendancies

Well, once more, a-reviewing will will go! Join me as we test the waters of the as yet un-reviewed Mayhem Wrestling Federation. The show is their “Suicidal Tendancies” Pay-Per-View from June of this year. So without further ado, lets go to the tape!

-We are live from the Astrodome in Houston, Texas! More pyro than a 4th of July special welcomes us to the arena. Our hosts are Tony and Rob. (Last names are optional, it seems) They hype the Triple Threat Iron Man main event and bicker a bit. (Damn, I was hoping for a Triple Threat Iron CHEF Main Event!)

-Afterglow play a song, after which Kurt Angle appears to cut a pre-match promo. Chris Jericho arrives to cut him off. Jericho charges and the first match is underway.

Intercontinental Championship Match: Kurt Angle vs. Chris Jericho vs. Two other wrestlers that haven’t been announced. (Future Keith: Commando and High Voltage)

Slugfest breaks out as Commando arrives. Clothesline-fest ‘01 begins, with Angle being the guest of honour. He takes a double spinebuster and bails as High Voltage walks to ringside. Four-way brawl, Commando gets tossed, Angle and High Voltage beat down Jericho. Angle is quickly blindsided by Voltage, who covers Jericho for 2. Angle and Commando take up corners as Voltage suplexes Jericho and chokes him. Powerslam, Angle tags himself in. Belly-to-belly, anklelock, Jericho makes the ropes. Angleslam attempt, Jericho flips out and applies the Walls. Commando makes the save for Angle and tags in. I should point out that 5 minutes into the first match, Tony and Robs commentary is already beginning to grate. Badly. The clothesline contest continues, with Commando ducking one and decking Voltage. Things abrubtly break down as Angle brings in an un-Olympic chair, which Commando superkicks in his face. High Voltage tornado DDT’s Commando onto the chair for the pin and title. 1/2* Strictly bush-league stuff. Short, unsatisfying, and a dud ending.

-Backstage, Edge and Christian watch the monitor and chat. Lots of WWF stars slumming in this fed…

-Rob and Tony talk about the next match, Rock vs. Maniac. Which is then clipped from the tape IN IT’s ENTIRITY. Must have been a real winner there…

Hell Spawn vs. Garlin Jr. (Asian Title Match)

Garlin charges the much bigger Hell Spawn, running into the BIG BOOT OF DOOM! Snap German, Spawn sets up a powerbomb, Garlin lowblows him. Garlin goes Kick-Krazy, hitting a bycycle kick, a backflip kick and a dropkick in quick sucession. Triplejump moonsult eats mat, Spawn chokeslams him. Clothesline misses as Garlin lowbridges Hell Spawn. Garlin goes up, Hell Spawn bounces up and catches him at the top. Through some co-operation by Garlin, Spawn hits a tombstone from the top through the announce table.(?!!) Rob and Tony evict the Spanish announcers as Garlin blades. Hell Spawn takes him up for another, Garlin applies the “Death Touch”, a paralyzing nerve strike, apparently. He hits a rana off the top and cradles for the three count to take the title. *1/3 Showed potential, but the big bump was overly contrived.

-We break for an ad for the next PPV. I hate when feds do that.

-Backstage, Counterfit and James Doughty have a heated exchange of words.

Hardcore Title Triple Tier Cage Match: Venom vs. Raven vs. Big Boy vs. Stalker vs. Tony The Bull

The Ready To Rumble cage is in use tonight. Big Boy is using “Break Stuff” as his theme music… enough already! Venom gains bonus points by having “Tubular Bells” as his theme. Brawling from the outset, with a ladder being introduced ten seconds in. Tony dropkicks it into Raven and Venoms face, then climbs it. Raven meets him at the top, Tony suplexes him off. The usuual Hardcore shenanagins are in progress by now, with Big Boy attempting to hang Venom. (Do NOT try this at home!) Raven rescues him as Tony makes it to cage 2. Raven follows him up, they brawl on the outside of the second cage. Big Ass Bump as Raven runs into a belly-to-belly that sends him through the Spanish-turned-English announce table. Everyone stalls for a minute, then there’s a mad rush for the belt. Tony takes a fall from the 3rd level to the 2nd, before Stalker uses a baseball bat on Venom. Big Boy joins him. They toss Venom backdown into the bottom level, where he lands gut-first on the ladder. Ouch. Stalker tosses Big Boy off the top level onto the 1st, then splashes him through the roof of the cage. Rob says “These guys want the title!” No, they want to make the highlight reels. Otherwise Stalker would have reached up and taken the belt instead of splashing Big Boy. Just an observation. We get the Final Bump as Tony turfs Venom off the cage to the ramp and collects the belt. DUD, bordering on negative stars due to a severe lack of anything other than the stunts. Big, ugly spotfest.

Undertaker & Kane vs. Assassin & Bull vs. Edge and Christian (2-fall TLC Tag and Hardcore Tag Title Match)

More WWF moonlighters? Vince is going to spit tacks! Brawl, brawl, Con-chair-to, brawl, ladder spot, chairshot, Undertaker sells, brawl, Bull goes through a table. (BTW, I just put in the bit about Taker selling to see if you were paying attention.) Brawl, brawl, half the participants blade, Kane chokeslams Christian off the ladder and retrieves the hardcore Titles to retain.

Everyone takes a quick break before the second fall, allowing me to get a beer. ahh, cool beer, where would I be without you. Second verse, same as the first. Brawl, brawl, E & C are chokeslammed through tables, everyone else blades, 20ft tall ladder is brought in. I flip off the video in case I’m missing something more interesting. The World Championship of Mini Golf, for instance. No such luck. Edge does the Bigass Spear on Bull, thumbtacks, trashcans, barbed wire, these are a few of my favourite things, all right. After three hours or so, Christian retrieves the second set of belts for their first MWF tag titles. T-L-C? No, D-U-D. No flow or buildup, just a series of unconnected spots.

-Pre-main event, Chef talks.

-The celebrities are intro’d. Jesse The Body is Timekeeper, Muhammed Ali is Ring Announcer. Am I the only one that sees a scheduling mixup there? Luckily, by this point, Rob and Tony seem to have run out of things to say, thus improving the play-by-play immensely.

Triple Threat Iron Man Match: Counterfit vs. Sandman vs. Chef (Hey, this IS an Iron Chef Match!)

Punches and slaps abound in the early going. Sandman suplexes Counterfit for a fast 2 from Evil Ref Doughty. Sandman and Chef break each others covers, then brawl. Sandman drops his head and takes a DDT. Counterfit breaks the cover, we head to the floor. Some chairshots and postings follow, out into the crowd we go. Broomshots and popcorn trays get involved. Chef blades off a chairshot, we reach the buffet. Chef gets thrown into the food. (There’s a certain irony about that situation…) Sandman looks to juice legit after getting raked on the old “chicken wire fence on wheels” set. Chef fufils his destiny by using baking trays on Counterfit, (Yes! More kitchen implements for Chef!) then throws him through a window. The FIRE EXTINGUISHER OF DOOM is utilised by Sandman as they return to ringside. Sandman legsweeps Chef off the apron through some tables that must have been set up during the tour of the backstage area. Doughty gets a mic. Yep, it’s the old “Change-the-stips-on-the-fly” trick we’ve seen many, MANY times before. It’s now falls count anywhere. Sandman pins for the first fall at 15.00. The clock on-screen seems to have no relation to the actual time remaining. Clipping? Sandman tries another pin, gaining 2. Conuterfit makes it to ringside, hitting a Van-Trash-Can-Inator on Sandman. (Damn, if it had been the other way around, it would have been a Sand-Man-a-Can-inator!) He drapes a chair on Sandman and hits a top rope headbutt for the pin. Chef enters, running into a suplex display from Counterfit. After three assorted suplexes, Counterfit applies a sharpshooter. Chef reaches the ropes before Vince McMahon can appear and scream “Ring the ****ing bell!” Chef rolls out as Counterfit spears Sandman. Chef brings in a table and decides to flambe’ it. Sandman climbs to the top rope, for the express purpose of being up top when Chef is ready for the BIG BUMP OF DEATH. It’s a Chef Cutter through the flaming table. The three count is a formality, making it 1 fall each at 50.03. The crowd is either chanting “Tendancies”, or “Testicles”… it’s tough to tell which makes less sense at this point. Everyone sits around for five minutes to eat up the clock, which expires as Doughty ignores a pinfall from Counterfit. Doughty then declares sudeen death overtime so that Sandman can beat his opponents fairly. Does this make sense? You guessed it, its a SWERVE as Doughty chairshots Sandman instead of Counterit. Counterfit pins… and the lights go out at 2. When they come back on, Counterfit has been punked out by a mask and trenchcoat wearing attacker. (With a ball bat. Sting? What are YOU doing in this fed?) He then KO’s Doughty, Chef covers, a new ref arrives to count the pinfall. The Masked Man is Prodigal, late of the PHW, it seems. Well, this match had it all. Except flow, pacing, a clean ending, a shred of originality, and a point to it’s existance. Apart from that, Match of the Year candidate. Honest. DUD

The Bottom Line: Like ECW’s worst moments, along with pale imitaions of WWF’s finest. This is not the show you’re looking for. Move along. Move along…

-Strong recommendation to avoid

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for FWC’s “FCW vs Alliance”

Long time, no see Schmucksters. Yes, I, “Not” Keith, have returned from exile in the wilds of downtown Toronto. Where have I been? Beats the heck out of me… I remember heading out for a pre-Christmas kegger at Xenomorphs’ place, and suddenly it was June! Anyway, The Schmucks Dotcom is back, rested, refreshed and ready to go.

For my comeback rant, I decided to allow Xenomorph to pick a few tapes for me. Bad idea. Bad, BAD idea!

So, my friends… prepare yoursleves for the Rant du Jour. And I MEAN prepare yourselves… for this time, I’m bringing out the big guns… the RED HOT POKER UP THE ASS system! I decided I needed to after watching less than ten seconds of the first tape… no intros, no titles, not so much as a logo… just some guy called “Eddie” assuring me that tonight was going to be “one of the biggest nights”. And proceeded to ponder “Who will come out on top and who will be the ones left after its all over with.” After watching the show, I just hoped EVERYTHING about this company was over with…

Anyhow, for those unfamiliar with this system, I’ll award a number of red-hot pokers to be inserted up the rear end of the president of Freakz Championship Wrestling for particulary bad matches and the like, and award bottles of cool, refreshing Molsons for good ones. So, join me as we check out FCW’s “FCW vs Alliance”.

-One red-hot poker right off the bat for the shoddy production values. I never saw so much as a title, so I had to guess at the PPV’s actual name. Where Xenomorph finds these tapes, I’ll never know…

Sinz vs Mercury (Hardcore Championship)

Sinz gets off the first offensive move, backing Mercury into the corner and drop-kicking him. Mercury no-sells and hits a tilt-a-whirl powerslam for 2. Sinz blocks something and hits an underhook suplex and corkscrew elbowdrop for 2. Bizzare springboard armdrag from Sinz, Mercury no-sells and gets 2 off an Exploder suplex. T-Bone and Fishermans suplexes get 2. They head to the floor to brawl. Sinz gets 2 off a somersault senton, which Mercury takes while standing. That’s a good way to break your own neck, Sinz… Mercury no-sells FOUR chairshots and they fight into the crowd. They trade moves in the fans, with Sinz busting out the EAR RINGER OF DOOM! Back to the ring, they start the furniture spots. Every variation of suplex imaginable gets hauled out, with neither man selling a thing. It’s turned into a weird battle of wills, here… Finally, Sinz hits the Fall From Grace through a table to retain. Three hot pokers for boring the socks off of me with that crap.

Death vs Jake The Ripper (Heavyweight Title Match)

Two pokers before we start, for Jakes terrible pun of a name. Death stands around for a while and allows Jake to not only set up a chair, but then DVD him into it. One more poker for that start. They blow a double clothesline, Death no-sells another DVD and does the taker sit-up. Betcha didn’t see that coming… He shrugs off a DDT and hits Splash Mountain for 2. Jake gets 2 off a clothesline.(!!) So he no-sells a DVD, but clotheslines are his Archilles Heel, I guess. They do ten seconds of token mat-wrestling, still blowing the spots horribly before Death hits a top-rope DDT for 2, then a Tiger driver for 2. Good call, let’s destroy the effectivness of the most dangerous finisher in wrestling, shall we? They brawl mildly on the floor, Jake tries for a submission on the outside with the Ripper Wrench. Back in they go, where Weath submits to a LEGLOCK OF MILD DISCOMFORT! Six pokers up the ass for that miserable excuse for a match.

Sandman vs Mystique (Light-Heavyweight Title)

Sandman hits a torture rack drop right from the get-go for 2. They head for the floor ten seconds later for some lame brawling. The editing is so bad they simply seem to teleport back into the ring after a while. Mystique tries some mat-wrestling, but runs out of moves and begins repeating afer a few 2-counts. After about five minutes of go-nowhere action Mystique hits the “Last Breath”, but doesn’t cover. Sandman locks in the “Sandman Sleep” and somehow gets a three count off a submission move. Five red-hot pokers, one for each minute of this crap.

Super Squirt vs Ded Klown vs DMC (Handicap Title Steel Cage Match)

Where do I start? One poker in a painful place for making me think Dennis McCoy was going to snap me out of my boredom-induced coma with some bitchin’ BMX stunts. Two more for not finishing erecting the cage before the participants were introduced, resulting in a lot of standing around. That’s plain and simple bush-league stuff, folks. Eventually Klown gets us underway with a double clothesline. If you guessed someone no-sells it, give yourself a cookie. It’s Squirt this time, as he instantly recovers to hit a Sky High, coupled with a somersault legdrop from DMC. Klown actually uses a basic transition, turning an atomic drop into a bulldog. That puts this match well above the others in technical skills, anyway. Klown, who I assume is the champ, works over both men before DMC gets 2 off a spinebuster, leading to friction with his partner. They fight it out while Klown tries to escape the cage. No, I have no idea what the stips are, and Squirts subsequent 2-count on DMC from a Ligerbomb just confuses the issue. Klown gets all the way to the top of the cage as his opponents trade moves, then hits a Suicidal Tendancies onto both of them. For the first time in the PPV, everyone sells! (And there was much rejoicing…) Klown abruntly revives and gives both men a “Twizted(sic) Soul”. He climbs the cage again, leaving Squirt to pin DMC, presumably for the title. Klown hits another Suicidal Tendancies on Squirt, continuing the trend of overly-repeated spots tonight. He spikes the ball by giving Squirt the “Tears of Depression”, dumping him on his head and practically breaking his neck in the process. Five more hot pokers for the whole schemozzle and two for Klown for that attempt at maiming a fellow wrestler.

Kitty Kat vs Mystique vs Sydney (Womens Title Match)

Or at least, that’s what the video box leads me to believe. Instead what we get is…

Kitty Kat vs Venus vs Sydney

So we’ll add two hot pokers for simple sloppyness. Venus and Sydney kick things off, with KK on the apron. The sparse production values and inaudable commentary mean I have no idea of the stipulations, so we’ll just take this as it comes. Sydney gets the best of the early going with a legsweep and slingshot legdrop for 2. Venus hits a swinging neckbreaker after (all together now) no-selling the moves. Kitty is tagged in, flapjacking Sydney and applying the “Ziplock”. Sydney escapes, pounds on Kitty and hits a cradle DDT for 2. That loooked odd. Kitty obviously didn’t think so, doing the exact same move to Sydney for 2 of her own. Venus tags in and gets a two-count on Kitty with a dragon suplex. Kitty gets 2 with a gutwrench suplex before Sydney breaks the pin. These matches have zero flow to them, but you’ve probably guessed that already. Things go BONZO GONZO for a few seconds, before the ref herds out Sydney, only to have her tag in a second later. Well, that was nicely pointless. Stomachbreaker and Gory Special slows the pace of this already-interminable match. Kitty follows up with a tombstone for 2, drawing in Venus. Kitty basically ignores Venus’s DDT and continues to work over Sydney then tags out. Sydney takes a quick trip to the floor, Venus tries to wake up the crowd with a somersault plancha. Too little, too late. A tepid three-way brawl on the floor breaks out. Finally Venus rolls Sydney back into the ring, only to be hit with the “Phoenix Down” and pinned. It turns out to be elimination rules, sadly, meaning this dull match has to continue. A token wrestling sequence is provided, before a DVD gets 2 for Sydney. This is so enthralling I can hardly keep my eyes open. A THIRD cradle DDT gets 2. Way to expand the moveset, Kitty. She misses the Cat Crunch and takes a Phoenix Down to end the match. Sydney gets the belt, the president gets three more pokers up the backside. I crack open a Molsons’, confident I won’t have to reward this federation for a decent match anytime soon.

Warriors of Darkness vs Brothers of Destruction

*Sigh*. Here’s where the pain kicks in for Mr President. Two pokers for stealing Kanertakers tag team name. One for the fact that both The Warriors have already wrestled in singles matches earlier tonight. One for the Brothers being named “Porky” and “Sporky”, which sounds like a failed Nickelodeon cartoon. And four for the fact that one of the Warriors is Super Squirt, who was carted out by EMT’s just ONE MATCH AGO! His injuries have miraculously healed, with Squirt not even bothering to fake a limp or anything. The entire match is basically a squash, with Sandman and Squirt killing the Brothers in a variety of uninteresting ways, including some chairshottery. Porky gets some token offense at the end, before Squirt finishes with the Squasher. (A very appropraite name, given the context of the match.) Only six minutes or so, but felt like an eternity. Five more pokers are heading south…

Tom Ato Lee vs Jake the Ripper vs Perfect Redemption. (World Title Match)

So they have a Heavyweight Title AND a World title. Pick one, people! And with one title match still to go, I award seven red-hot pokers for almost having more titles than active wrestlers. (That’s one poker for each belt for those not keeping score.) I’ve lost any patience with this PPV, despite this being probably one of the best matches on the card. (Which still aint saying much.) Redemption wins by pinning both men after a double bulldog. One poker for making both guys job at once.

Dark Rage vs Savior (Iron King Title Match)

Wasn’t Iron King a character in “Tekken”? And if so, how does this belt qualify as being the Main Event when you’ve already decided your Heavyweight and World titles? Two pokers up the ass for making me confused! This is a ladder match, it seems. (As the ladder is set up in the ring PRIOR to the bell. Well, that’ll save time and get me to the end of this crap-fest quicker. One small glass of Molsons for that small mercy. Savior heads up after one shoulderblock and an elbowsmash. I think even HE wants to get the hell out of Dodge! Rage knocks it over, then runs stupidly into a powerslam on the steel. Savior goes up again, Rage legsweeps the ladder.(!!) They proceed to demonstrate the most half-assed mat-wrestling sequence I’ve ever seen. (Savior literally grabs Rages leg, gives a cursory twist that’s supposed to be a leglock, then lets go.) Two pokers for that alone. Rage gets slammed off the ladder… he no-sells. DDT, Rage goes up, but is left hanging when Savior spears the ladder. (Ouch!) Savior bats him to the floor with the ladder, where Redemption has magically appeared by the CHAINSAW-EDITING OF DOOM! He beats down Rage as Savior retrieves the belt. Six hot pokers for a moronic main event to end an equally moronic Pay-Per-View.

-But wait, there’s more! The alliance heads down to ringside en masse and proceed to punk out Savior and Redemption. (Despite the fact that Redemption is supposedly FROM the Alliance. I think.) After a while, the FCW wrestlers storm the ring. and it’s BONZO GONZO! And because nothing gets a buyrate like a mammoth, confusing brawl, the entire roster of Dawg Pound Wrestling ALSO arrive at ringside. Together, they attempt to set the record for Longest Brawl Without A Single Thing Worth Repeating as they slug it out for TWENTY MINUTES! So we’ll be fair and give them twenty hot pokers for kicks…

-Finally, FCW president Christian Xander arrives. He walks pretty well for a man with more than EIGHTY red-hot pokers up his tan track. He brings out the DPW’s president and another guy who’s going to run the new federation now they’ve offically merged. Best of luck in THAT endevour, pal… (Memo to myself: If I ever spot a tape from the “Straitjacket Wrestling Alliance”, AVOID IT! In fact, stomp on its head before it can breed!)

And thankfully, we end as abrubtly as we began.

The Bottom Line: DIE, FCW, DIE! I think I’ve made my point. Next up, Xenomorph treats me to an EHW Pay-per-View. I can hardly wait…

Strongest recommendation to avoid at all costs.

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Retro Rant for WFW’s Resurrection

Well first off today, a Schmucks Update! The site has been hit over 500 times in it’s first month of operation! Not bad seeing as I’ve been relying on word-of-mouth only to publisise TheSchmucks… And no death threats yet! (Hooray!)

The Schmucks message board is up, so if you have an opinion, a rebuttal, or some (constructive) criticism, feel free to hit the board and let me know what you think! (Thanks to Richard Vail, head of “Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling” for the suggestion!)

And now, the latest Retro Rant from TheSchmucks… The debut PPV from the fledgling WFW organisation from Detroit. Xenomorph hired the tapes, I brought the beer… So, on with the show!

-We are live from The Silverdome in Detroit, Michigan. Jimmy “The Mouth” Lang and “Professor” Joe Micheals are your commentators du jour. The hype the World Title tournament. One participant is “The Hooded Mullet”… have they re-packaged Mike Awesome AGAIN?

-Backstage, Sinister arrives. Craig Wallabee risks a beating as he gets a quick interview.

Opeing Bout (Cruiserweight Title Match): Midgie Mullet vs. Richard Ricardo

Ricky Ricardo? He needs a red-headed valet, methinks. Anyway, he gets the Shawn Micheals babyface entrance, despite having Kid Rock for his entrance. (That’s so last year!) Midgie is… a Midget. Oh, joy. Drop-kick to the knee right off from MM. RR catches him off a springboard move and powerslams him for 2. Leg-drop misses. Spear attempt becomes a nutcracking headbutt from MM. L’il FISTS OF FIRE! Standing senton and a Tonado Bulldog gets 2 for Mullet. RR reverses things. DDT from the middle rope scores. Press-slam is reversed into a rana by Mullet-boy. He preens himself, allowing Ricardo to elbow him to the floor. Midgie is rammed into the stairs and tossed back over the top. Either the commentators are on a coffee break, or the audio has gone out at this stage. Chop-block by MM, followed by three points through the uprights. Elbow-drop and top-rope leg-drop follow. Roll-up gets 2 for Ricardo. Blind charge by MM meets the boot. Ricardo biles him across the ring. Baseball slide misses, Ricardo crotches himself. Mullet hits the Flying Mullet. It gets 2. Abrubtly, President Franklin arrives, along with his valet Krista. He proceeds to make himself the third man in an impromptu Triple Threat match. That’s playing the odds, Pres! He hits the ring and a brawl breaks out. Powerslam on Midgie, and a vicious chairshot by Franklin. Franklin Driver onto the chair for 3. And the pres becomes the cruiserweight champion.

* The match was going pretty well, with MIDGET MADNESS at a minimum. And then the dreaded Bookermans’ ending blew the whole thing off. (If I had a dollar for every “president” that won a title in their own federations these days, I’d have… $32.50… one was a tag title, eh?)

World Title Semi-Final: Angel vs. Sinister

Angel has the HHH-ripoff down to a fine art. Not that that’s a GOOD thing. Meanwhile, Sinister is doing Kane. Angel jump-starts things and it’s a pier-sixer. We go to the floor right off the bat with Angel hitting a top-rope axehandle. Brief brawl, back inside. Angel proves his versitility by doing a SCSA-esque mudhole stomp, then a Foley-knee in the corner. Is there no end to the talent(ed people he’s stealing from?). Running clothesline gets 2. Move 189 (Arm-BAR) follows. Sinister makes the ropes. Suplex is blocked and Sinister shoves Angel down. Blind charge meets the boot of Sinster. Sinister is either a great seller, or he’s blown out already, BTW. A series of knees in the corner and hanging suplex get 2 for Sinister. To the floor, brawl, taunt fans, back inside, lowblow, double KO to rest. Brawl, brawl, brawl, insult fans, elbowsmash from Angel, taunt fans, cover. A 2 count. The crowd is dying as we speak. Top-rope clothesline gets a mild reaction and a two-count. Punch, kick, choke, bitchslap. Enthralling stuff. Whip is reversed, Angels cross-body is turned into a back-breaker. More resting. Sinister nails Angel with an elbow, winding himself with this burst of exertion. He rests again. The Warrior Press-slam, thena chokeslam follows from Sinister. A second chokeslam, and Sinister finishes with the Mass Obliteration. Anson Drake runs in immediately and KO’s Sinister with the chair, waking the napping fans. Sinister blades.

DUD Non-stop resting and brawling made for a dull match. Only the fact that Xenomorph was doing MSTK-ish commentary made it bearable. (As WFW’s audio becomes inaudible during the matches themselves.)

-Backstage, Jason Godman interviews Spaz about the Hardcore Title match.

Tag Team Title Match: The Hot Shots vs. The Awesome Ones

The Hots Shots play the faces in this one. Slayer of the Awesome ones is billed at 400-pounds plus. Stalling from the bell, before Crazy Bone and Buff Buckley lock up. Crazy gets the best of the early going, hitting a drop-toehold in the middle of the ring. Punching and kicking leads to a suplex for 2. Clothesline off a whip turns it around for Buff. Another clothesline,and a crisp snap suplex for 2. Tag to Slayer. Slayer slooowly moves in, Crazy hits another drop toe-hold on him. Slayer rises and no-sells three clotheslines. It’s turing into a Lex Luger match with all these clotheslines! Flying forearm sends Slayer to the floor, Crazy tags in Little Bone. He springboards out to hit a forearm smash on Slayer. He doesn’t follow up, and Slayer is back in a 8. Little Bone stomps him and goes topside. Cross-body is caught and turned into a crushing slam for 2 before Crazy breaks it up. Little Bone plays Ri.. no, no he doesn’t, tripping Slayer and making the luke-warm tag to Crazy. Top rop clothesline (MORE clotheslines?) gets 2. Crazy works the knee, then the abs, then the crowd. He cheap-shots Buff and tags Little Bone back in. Broncobuster on Slayer. Then another for kicks. Little Bone seems to be enjoying that move a little too much. Top rope-cross-body is caught, Slayer chokeslams LB. The ref is bumped and it’s KATIE BAR THE DOOR! Cue the run-in from Dan (Not Rob) Van Dam who chairshots Crazy and hits a “Truely Awesome”. Slayer hits the “Slayed” on Li’lBone, DVD wakes up the ref, 3-count, new champs.

*3/4 Nothing overly offensive, but the run-in was fairly pointless… and somewhat predictable.

-Backstage, Sexy Bone is shown, the victim of a DVD attack

World Title Semi-Final: Anson Drake vs. The Hooded Mullet

Anson Drake cuts a promo backstage. It’s not a classic by any standard, I’m afraid. It’s barely coherant. The Mullet gets a fountain of beer in lieu of pyro and has a pre-match entrance involving spousal abuse. ‘Nuff said. Drake beats him from pillar to post. Atomic drop, suplex and elbow-drop gets 2. Mudhole stomp and suplex for 2. Running powerslam for 2. Top rope elbowsmash for 2. Drake hits his finisher, “Suicidal Tendacies”. No cover. The President walks out again as he DDT’s The Mullet. He makes the match no holds barred. Why? Only he knows for sure. Drake goes for a table and superplexes The Mullet through it. Both men lie around selling it as Sinster returns to ringside. He chokeslams Drake, sets up a table and chokeslams both Drake and the Mullet through simultaneously. Sinister leaves, Angel attacks him backstage. They brawl. The two in the ring lie around for an eternity while Angel and Sinister get hardcore on each other. Finally, Drake hits a single chairshot and this mess comes to an end.

-** Wild overbooking strikes again. Was all that really needed to protect The Hooded Mullet? Just squash him and get it over with!

Flaming Table Hardcore Title Match: Spaz vs “Ballistic” Bryan Deas

This should be interesting. The table is set up mid-ring and set aflame before the intros. Deas is intro’d first, and takes the advantage, hiting a no-hands clothesline plancha on Spaz as he arrives. They brawl on the outside, with Deas hitting the first chairshot of the match 20 seconds in. He slams him to the guardrail and uses the steps on him. A table comes out. Deas suplex is blocked and he takes a face-first variant through the wood. Spaz is firat up, and uses the chair on deas. Enter another table. Spaz also tries the suplex, but it’s reversed into a DDT by Deas. Welcome to the Sabu School of Hardcore. Spot, rest, spot. Repeat until Xenomorph falls asleep. And there’s the run-in! It’s Hagi. He tries to chairshot Deas, but the cruel hand of irony interjects and he takes a Van-Deasanotor instead. Deas suplexes Spaz. A second is blocked, Spaz hits a twisting suplex instead. Spaz is first up. He drags Deas down the aisle. Chokeslam on the floor. Hagi and Spaz double-team Deas. King Crusher runs-in.He nails Hagi and chairshots Spaz. Hagi and Crusher brawl backstage. The Hooded Mullet joins in for no readily apparent reason. At ringside, Spaz and Deas wander around randomly for a while, before Deas finds a hockey stick. Then a broomstick. Multiple shots ensue. Into the ring for the first time, they brawl. And brawl. And brawl. Hagi runs-in a second time and powerbombs Deas. Spaz chokeslams him through the table for the title.

DUD Your basic ECW walk-and-brawl. The flaming table was a pointless addition.

-More brawling backstage post-match.

-DVD Interview. He refers to himself as the “Real F’n Deal”. That’s original.

US Title Match: DVD vs Drama

I’ll save the “Save Drama for Ya Mama” jokes for now. DVD has the required singapore cane with him. He gets a quick clothesline and elbow drop. Weak cover for 2. He tries to end it early, but Drama shoves him off and clotheslines him a few times. Slam and elbow drop before he goes for the old “Jump off the top and land on the foot” move. DVD suplexes him and hits a flying elbow for 2. Spinning powerslam from DVD, but another elbow misses. Atomic drop and springboard clothesline gets 2 for Drama. (I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve typed “clothesline” today) Slam and DDT for 2. Running axehandle for 2. Suplex is blocked, DVD hits a snap suplex for 2. Frankensteiner with a delayed cover for 2. Piledriver, DVD goes for the “Truely Awesome” again. Drama powers out again. DVD *copy-paste* clotheslines him. Stinger-ish splash and the Truely Awesome get the 3 for DVD

*1/4 Average Monday Night fare, but nothing too special.

-Backstage, the Prez talks again, making the World Title match a no-rules, falls-count-anywhere affair. The man sure loves his air-time…

World Title Match: Sinister vs. Anson Drake

I could swear Sinisters’ entrance is an edited replay of his earlier match… Rewinding, I discover they are. I guess the production crew blew it on the live telecast. Drake and Sinister meet in the aisle and Brawl-Fest 2001 is officially opened! Lots of punches and guardrail shots. They fight over to a conveniently-loctated table. Drake cant get Sinister up for a suplex, and they brawl some more. More shots into the rails. The dreaded clothesline rears it’s ugly head again. Sinister sets up Drake at the table for something (Commentary would have been nice at this point) but Drake slithers out. He chairshots Sinister, who falls through the table. Brawl, brawl, clothesline, brawl. Sinister has done a wussy bladejob. Drake piledrives Sinister on the ramp. He plays “I-have-you-by-the-hair-so-you-must-follow-me” as they head back to a parking area. Drake drops an axehandle off a cars hood. They head to the locker rooms. Angel walks out of his locker room and starts a brawl with Drake. Must be a territorial thing, I guess. Sinister watches, then chokeslams Angel. Brawl-and-stroll continues as we return to the rampway. Sinister press-slams Drake down the ramp, and heads back for to retreive two tables and a dumpster full o’ stuff. He sets up one and tries something… I honestly couldn’t tell what. He takes a bulldog through the wood instead. SMELL THE IRONY! Rest period, before Drake covers for 2. Drake tosses Sinister off the stage to the floor ina nasty-looking bump, then drops a Foley-esque elbow. The referee takes his sweet time getting there for the 2-count, so Drake wipes him out with the “Suicidal Tendancies”. They head back to the top of the ramp. Sinister is suplexed through the other table. A second ref arrives as the match stalls. Finally, Drake crawls over for the cover. It gets 2. Angel makes yet another appearance, chairshotting Drake and Stunning Sinister. We watch him walk backstage as the Main Event stalls again. Finally, Drake makes it up and finds a fire extinguisher in the dumpster. He belts Sinister, then sets him up for a piledriver. Sinister turns it into the Bigass Bump of the Night, back-dropping him off the stage to the floor. He drags Drake to the ring and rolls him in. The Mass Obliteration is reversed by Drake into a bulldog for 2.9! Ten on the buckle and a *shudder* clothesline in the corner from Drake. Sleeper is applied, but Sinister rams Drake into the buckle to break the hold. The Mass Obliteration is tried again, this time reversed into Fame-asser by Drake. More lying around. Drake makes it up and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Back outside we go. Another table (Because tables=ratings) is set up (Hey, there’s two announcers sitting at a table right there! What’s wrong with that one? A chairshot, and Sinister is on the table. Drake heads topside.. and Angel runs in again! For FUCKS SAKE! Just put the silly son-of-a-bitch in the match next time!

All right, I feel better now… Thanks to beer and Chewable Prozac. Angel hits Drake with the Angel Death Driver and tosses him over the top. Drake lands on Sinister, naturally. Angel leaves again. Good. Sinister is first up. He takes Drake back in and tries the Mass Obliteration one more time. Drake pummels him down to the mat and straddles for an anticlimatic three-count. Sinister beats on Drake after the bell and hits the Mass Obliteration at last… a little late, but the thought was there.

* Just a big, mindless brawl with Angel playing Run-In Man. Some nice spots, but so what?

The Bottom Line: Nothing rose above a 2-star affair for me. Not much to say, really. Thank you, drive through.

Mild recommendation to avoid.

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s Bloodfest

Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling has been a staple of these pages since its’ inception. And while recent cutbacks have seen BSCW’s operations stripped back, they recently returned to Pay-Per-View with “Bloodfest”. Was it worth the cash I poneyed up to watch? Let’s find out, shall we….

-Preshow, we get a video package detailing the history of “Deadly” Derek Irvin and Whiskey Jakk, who are in the the main event tonight. This is followed up with shorter spots that bring us up to speed with very other scheduled match. In a nice touch, even the participants in the Battle Royal get some promo-time.

-And we are LIVE from Suffolk Downs racecourse in Boston, Massachuetts! Matt Heath and Bil Withonel are our announcers, as per-usual. They play mic-tag as they plug the matches. Hot crowd.

-Odin Trollslayer arrives to plug a forthcoming BSCW/NEO supercard, getting in his shots on Derek Irvin in the process. He doesn’t overstay his welcome, either.

Brian Deegan vs “The Icon Killer” Matt O’Riordan

Deegan gets some in-ring mic-time before the match, O’Riordan responds in kind from backstage. He abrubtly reconciles with Deegan and gives him a “welcome back” gift of a framed photo of the O’Riordan and Deegan boys as kids. Of course, he gives it to him over the head, thus setting two records in one. (Fastest PPV Bladejob and Earliest SWERVE of the Year.) He works over the cut until Brian armdrags him. Some joint armdraggery occurs until O’Riordan begins to pummel the forehead again. Deegan chops back and gets a sunset variant for 2. He avoids a clothesline and hits a springboard bodyblock for 2. O’Riordan catches Deegan as he attempts the sunset flip again and tries to use Brians’ Deegan Driver on him. Deegan rolls through, cradling for 2. He hits a nice headscissors, clotheslines O’Riordan to the floor and bodyblocks him off the top. After a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it braw they return to the ring, where O’Riordan hits an invert DDt off a criss-cross. He works the leg, using a Boston Crab, then gets a bridged German for 2. Two more suplexes follow for 2 more. Deegan flips out of a fourth suplex and superkicks O’Riordan into the next timezone. O’Riordan recovers first and rolls a double-leg takedown into a pinning combination, getting 2 before Deegan bridges out and hits a Tiger Bomb for 2. A “Deegancanrana” gets 2. The “Mind Eraser” spinning kick and a springboard moonsault get 2 more as Deegan builds the momentum, only to get dropkicked in the knee. O’Riordan ups the points for pyschology as he goes to the figure-four. Deegan makes the superman comeback, reversing the hold until O’Riordan makes the ropes. O’Riordan avoids an enziguri and goes for the anklelock, Deegan boots him in the mush and loks in a Texas Cloverleaf instead. O’Riordan won’t tap out, so Deegan hits a Fishermans Buster for two-and-a-bit. He misses a shooting-star frogsplash(!!), O’Riordan gets a two-count. Gutwrench powerbomb gets 2. O’Riordan completes the pyschology by dropkicking Deegan in both the knee AND the ankle, but can’t get an anklelock on. He hits a brainbuster and heads out for a chair. Deegan launches a tope suicida at him, running cranium-first into O’Riordans Barry Bonds-esque swing. He’s content to win by count-out, but Deegan makes it back in at 8. O’Riordan misses a swandive headbutt, Deegan locks in a crossface on him. (Wow, BOTH guys are dipping into the Benoit Bag O’Tricks!) Matt reaches the ropes and hits a wheelbarrow suplex for 2. He continues to work over Deegans ankle, this time with a chair, until Deegan reverses a full-nelson into a neckbreaker. It gets 2. Deegan tries to go up, but it’s like an ascent on Everest due to the injured knee. He makes a heroic effort, then misses a Flying Something, which was also missed by the cameraman. O’Riordan applies the anklelock for the tap-out. ***3/4 Solid wrestling, with a perfect ending given O’Riordans knee-based attack.

-Postmatch, O’Riordan dishes out a few more lumps to Deegan. Shannon Stevens makes the save. In a wacky coincidence, Sid Starr, a NEO wrestler Deegan will face in an upcoming tournament, is in a front row seat. He gives Deegan some static, getting bitchslapped and ejected as a result.

-The Suicide Kings arrive to taunt the fans. Final score, Spikyjim 99, Fans 0…

-Backstage, Goo and Blockbuster Bob share interview time.

-Elsewhere, “Bastard Deluxe”, Andy “No Soul” James cusses and accuses his opponents of having funny names. For a man with a double-tiered nickname, that’s a stretch…

-Also elsewhere, Chris Pike plugs Powerade and annoys Ronan Aleaxander.

Battle Royal

We return to ringside with only the last few participants still to be introduced, continuing the nice tight pacing of the show. Blockbuster Bobs’ hiliarious “Rocky” piss-take gains points for featuring James Brown himself! Bob’s excessive beergut gets the biggest heel pop of the the night so far, though… The usual Pier Twenty-Fiver breaks out from the bell, with Devin Burke quickly eliminated by Hell on Earth. Dexter Hodges bodyblocks Ceaser Risley, and both are history. The tag teams in the match pair off as we lose Boz and Shane Alexander. Well, the dead wood is clearing nicely! Chris Pike decides to employ the Lawler Strategem, rolling out and practising the Art of Not Being Seen beneath the ring. Vladimir Stukowski goes all Iron Curtain on Laramees’ ass as no less than five guys quit the ring to brawl on the floor. That solves the usual lack of space problem you get in a Battle Royal. Hell on Earth load up the plunder, with Vince Viper bringing out the barbed wire. He busts open Stevens with a barb-wire wrapped punch and knocks him inot the moderately-priced seats. Laramee gets the first chairshot of the match, courtesy of LaGrange. He can’t be eliminated, though as he had the forethought to handcuff himself to the top rope. Brian Taylor hits a springboard van Brianator on LaGrange as the Hell on Earth brawl with the Dreamboys on the floor. El Pollo Loco eliminates himself and GORILLA Kazuo with the CHICKENCANRANA OF DOOM! (With eleven herbs and spices!) As the chaos continues, Moo and Goo team up. (Yeah, like I didn’t see THAT coming!) They annihilate Andy James with a suplex/neckbreaker combo as The Young Hellions use their secret weapon on Stukovski… MONEY! The Evil Soviet accepts the fistful of Benjamins and pummels Goo. Moo gets tossed by a temporary five-man alliance. Fargo gets dropkicked off the apron by Blade Jin taking out Blacktop in a table-rending spot. Blacktops’ partner Rebel gets backdropped through a second table, possibly feeling left out. Kristoff St Livingston and David Donovan are low-bridged by Goo, and they’re done. Oops, spoke too soon, as Donovan clings to the apron like a limpet. Goo learns why you don’t engage in a slugfest with a guy wearing barbed wire on his fists and is eliminated by Viper. Stukovski unloads on Stevens with some FORMERLY SOVIET VIOLENCE, as LaGrange takes the phrase “Stick a fork in him, he’s done!” a shade too literally. Stevens gets dumped by Stukovski, with Donovan getting the assist. Half of Hell on Earth and The Dreamboys gets eliminated together, followed seconds later by the other two. (Who up the ante by taking out a table on the way.) We suddenly get a shot of what appears to be Vince Viper commiting an indecent act on Laramee. Luckily, he’s just retrieving the key to Laramees’ handcuffs. Viper beats him to a pulp and tosses him, then gets eliminated by LaGrange during his celebration. Blade Jin runs into a ballshot at Mach 2 and gets thrown into the eight row by Donovan. He pairs off wuith LaGrange as Kotani employs the little-known “Taunt The Fat Guy With a Chocolate bar” strategy on Blockbuster Bob. Vlad Stukovski uses an authentically-Russian side-Russian legsweep on LaGrange and double-teams him with Donovan. James makes the save, only to get leveled by Donovan. Pike returns from his vacation beneath the ring at this stage, sneakily tossing out Donovan. He helps James to beat down Vlad, then James proves to be just as sneaky, eliminating Pike from behind. Kotani throws his Baby ruth into the crowde, then tips out Blockbuster Bob as he chases the candy. As Vlad chokeslams both LaGrange and James, Bob proves to be a bad sport, dragging out Kotani from the floor to brawl back to the locker room.

Final Four: Vladimir Stukovski, Brian Taylor, Travis LaGrange and Andy James. Stukovski and LaGrange pummel Taylor as James backs off and waits. Taylor is quickly belly-to-back suplexed right out of the ring by Vlad. LaGrange tries a quick bodyblock on Vlad, leaving nthem teetering on the ropes. James tips both men out to win. I don’t rate battle royals, but this wasn’t half bad.

-Backstage, Shrapnel has words for Todd Royal.

Shrapnel vs Todd Royal (W/Megan Skye) (BSCW North American Championship)

Shrapnel jumpstarts the match, dropkicking Royal off the apron prior to the bell. He hits a sweet springboard 450 bodypress and they brawl on the floor. Royal bounces Shrapnel off evrything in sight before running headfirst into a C-4. Shrapnel heads back inside, then gets lowbridged attempting to knock Rpyal off the apron again. He loads up the plunder as Royal showboats, and launches into some TRASHCAN LID VIOLENCE. Royal jawjacks him and chops away. Shrapnwel no-sells, hitting a short clothesline. He sets up a table and brings Royal back to the ring. Oh, and a ladder and a pair of tables. DDT gets 2 for Shrapnel. He goes up, Royal catches him at the top. They slug it out, Royal gets suplexed off the top, taking out the table on his way to the ground. Shrapnel brings some fluro tubes into the match, breaking one over Royals melon, then choking him out with another. The second tube shatters, and Royal bleeds hardway from the neck. That’s not a nice visual… Shrapnel hits a “No Mans’ Land” onto the final fluro tube, then goes up the ladder. He misses some sort of dive onto Royal, smashing his own head into the turnbuckle. (Well, that just brought painful memories of Owen Hart rushing back…) Royal pins for 2. He argues the point with the ref, so Shrapnel hits the “Dispersement” Van-Shrap-ernator for 2. He spin-kicks Royal to the floor and hits a mammoth springboard tope. Back inside, he sets up his tables and ladder and plants Royal on one. Shrapnel goes up with a chair, risks a fifteen-yard penalty with a throat-slash sign, then hits an Arabian Guillotine off the top for the pinfall and title. Man, Royal got NOTHING in this one. *1/2 Big bumps a-plenty, but just didn’t do a thing for me…

-Postmatch, Shrapnel beats Royal down, then puts him through a flaming table, THEN “breaks” Royals leg witha chair. I know there’s nothing like going out with a bang… but this was WAY excessive!

-Backstage, Debonair talk a little and cuss a lot.

Debonair (Matt James and Tyson Bryson) vs Kill Army (Reverend Black and Lupo Blanco)

I think this is for the tag titles, but since the match kicks off with James being hurled through the entranceway by Blanco before the intros, it’s only a guess. The other two hit ringside, causing the tragic loss of some innocent sporting equipment and some severe damage to gardening tools. They make it to the ring, but the match still resembles a drunken barfight in a Pizza Hut, so it’s nearly impossible to recap. Within seconds, Debonair take the high road to avoid a shovel-wielding Black, hotfooting it through the fans. Blanco is armed with a croquet mallet by now. (Adding 1/4 of a star for NOT stooping to the SLEDGEHAMMER OF INEVITABILTY!) Bryson evicts fans from their seats, tossing them at the good Reverand. Black KO’s a complete Cletus of a fan and beats the holy hell (pun DEFINATLEY intended) out opf Bryson. Bryson uses the MALTED BEVERAGE OF ALCOHOLIC DEATH to turn the tables and wallops him with his own shovel. We cut to James and Blanco in a kitchen, beating each other with a Microsoft X-Box! No, I have no idea where they found it, but it’s a shoo-in for a “Keithie” nomination. Bloanco hits the first wrestling manuever of the match with a belly-to-back suplex while Black and Bryson start the requisite Concession Stand Brawl. Bryson makes use of mustard and licorice, which only makes Black hungry, it seems. He chows down on Brysons’ forehead, then drags him into the mens room. We’re treated to charming Visual #2, as Bryson gets dunked into an extra-wide, extra-long urinal. Black puts him head-first into a mirror as we pick up with James and Blanco, who’ve taken their fight to a silver-service resturant. Blanco hits a balcony dive onto James, putting him through a table, then tries to bottle him. James fights him off with a table leg and piledrives him onto the remains of the table. Both parties return to ringside, with James having liberated a sheet of glass from somewhere. Bryson DDT’s Black on the ground and sets up a table, then spinebusts Black onto a folded ladder. Inside the ring, James gets 2 off a Falcons’ Arrow on Blanco, just to remind us this is still technically a wrestling match. Blanco gets backdropped into the glass-loaded corner, landing in the Tree of Woe, Bryson baseball slides his head through the glass. Contrived? Just a little…. Bryson splashes him off the ladder for 2. Hart Attack gets 2 before Black saves. He chairshots Bryson and brings in some more Hardcore Weapons. He goes all Tiger Woods on James with a 9-iron. (I’d have used a putter for a close-range shot myself…) Kill Army toss out both members of Debonair, then Black backdrops Blanco onto them. They double-spinebust James. Blanco uses a grater on him, then jams a trashcan on his head and both take turns kabonging him with assorted weaponry. Even MORE weapons come out, courtesy of Bryson. he nails Black with a cowbell, then catches a twisting splash off the ladder by Blanco, turning it into the Dirtnap for the pinfall. ** The hilariosly over-the-top opening and the backstage shenanagins were great. Once it returned to ring, however, the match degenerated into a parade of weapon shots and gimmicky spots. Sometimes it pays to quit while you’re ahead…

-Backstage, Taurus ponders his future in wrestling.

Taurus (W/Richard “Truck” Harris) vs Seth Harker (W/Coma)
(Finisher Only Match)

Some trash-talking occurs from the bell. Negotiations break down quickly, leading to some punching and shoving. Harker unleashes some PARTS UNKNOWN VIOLENCE and double-reverses a whip, hitting an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Pinfalls don’t count, but Taurus kicks out quickly anyway. They exchange pleasantries again, Taurus catches Harkers arms on a shove and suplexes him. Harker lands on his feet, ducks a clothesline and tries a corkscrew bodypress. Taurus fields him like a flyball and hits a Fire Thunder Driver. He clotheslines Harker out of the ring, Harker holds on and skins the cat back in. Taurus charges blind, Harker low-bridges him, doing the splits in the process. He pops the crowd with a corkscrew plancha onto Harris and Taurus. Back in the ring, Harker gets caught on a blind charge, Taurus just plain and simply beats the crap out of him with some evil-looking knees and elbows. He tries for the Gaijn Death Drop, Harker scales his opponent and attempts a Frankensteiner. Taurus simply powerbombs him half-way to China. Harris sets up a table on the floor as Taurus hits a German, then sends Harker from the ring to the table with a Zero Straitjacket Suplex in a painful-looking spot. He sends Harker into the steps, then brings him back to the ring. Harker has bladed. He lowblows Taurus and hits a dragon sleeper-to-backbreaker, then a hammerlock-to-legsweep, and finally a hammerlock-to-bodyslam. I feel like I’m playing Tekken with all these combos… Harker works the arm until Coma helps out by dragging Taurus to the floor. Harker baseball slides Taurus and lays in some kicks to the head, bouncing Taurus’s skull off the guardrail. That’s just MEAN… Coma sets up a table as Harker nails a springboard bulldog of the railing. He places Taurus on the table, then returns to the ring to hit a twisting Judas Air. Well, SOMEONE’s put his working boots on tonight… They both sell the move for a while as Coma and Harris get into some fisticuffs. The two fight to the top of the ‘Tron, Harris takes out the Comic Relief, hitting a Truck Stop on Coma all the way to the ground. Well, that was seriously unexpected… EMT’s cart off Coma and Harris as Harker dips into Spikyjims’ playbook, hitting the Drunk Driver invert brainbbuster on Taurus. He tries to end things with the Nightbringer moonsault, Taurus rolls out of the way. He tries to powerbomb Harker, BUT YOU CAN’T… Oh, wait, I guess you CAN powerbomb Harker, as Taurus flapjacks the facejam attempt and hits a spinning Doctor bomb. Taurus applies a Stetch Plum, then hits a pumphandle powerbomb when Harker fights his way out. He applies Harkers’ Darkness Falls submission hold onto him, then turns it into a suplex. Harker bails, ballshotting Taurus on the floor. He attempts the Judas Air a second time, Taurus catches him in mid-air and posts him repeatedly. He drills him with an inverted cradle brainbuster on the floor and goes up top. His attempt at hitting the Nightbringer on Harker backfires, Harker goes up to show him how it’s done. Taurus rolls away, Harker lands on his feet on the ground. He ducks a clothesline launches a Railrunner Clothesline at Taurus, running into a mother of a superkick. Back in the ring, Harker blocks the Gaijin Death Drop and locks in the Horns of Taurus. Taurus escapes, Harker goes to the Darkness Falls, turning it into a sleeper drop. He goes on a tear, hitting a crossface halo and low dropkick. He decides to give Taurus the Gaijin Death Drop, Taurus counters and sets him up for a powerbomb off the second turnbuckle. This is countered sweetly into a springboard DDT by Harker. He misses the Nightbringer again, once more landing on his feet and tries a Dragonsteiner. Taurus catches him, climbs the buckles and hits the Death Drop for the win. **** I’ve accused Harker of turning in half-assed performances in the past, but he looked seriously motivated here. Factor in a typically top-notch performance by Taurus, the usual BSCW tightly-paced timing and we’re probably looking at the best match of his career to date. The Stunt Bump mid-match was a shade jarring, though…

-Meanwhile, Despair has a few brews while cutting a feature-length promo.

-Elsewhere, William Payne responds on behalf of Inoue.

Despair vs Sykopath vs Asama Inoue (W/William Payne and GORILLA Kouzo)

Inoue clears the ring from the get-go, dominating both his opponenets with some raw power. Despair and Skyopath quickly team up to beat him down, hitting knee smashes and baseball slides in the corner. They spinebust him and set up for the old Quebecers cannonball. Despair tries a little treachery, turning it into a victory roll on Sykopath for 2. They do some flippy-floppy stuff, Inoue joins in and Sky-Highs’ Sykopath onto a fallen Despair. He tries a German on Sykopath, who reverses it. Inoue clings to the ropes to block, so Sykopath vaults the ropes, stungunning Inoue in the process. Despair hits a nice tope onto both men and brawls with Sykopath. Inoue unleashes some JAPANESE VIOLENCE on Despair as Bil Withonel goes off on a sureal tanget about his penis. Despair brings out a kendo stick and beats Sykopath like a dog/government mule/red-headed stepchild until Inoue breaks that up with a baseball slide. He drags Skyopath back to the ring and hits five rolling suplexes until Despair comes out of nowhere with a crossbody for 2 on both men. Sykopath takes control, loading both men into a corner for a double Diamond Dust. He breaks out the plunder and hands out chairshots to all and sundry. Arabian facebuster from the top scores on Despair, Inoue puts an end to his flurry with a release German. Chair-enhanced legdrop gets 2. Sykopath hits a handspring elbow, but is laid out by a chair-wielding Despair. DDT onto the chair gets 2 for Despair. He works over Sykopath with Inoue. Inoue cradle suplexes Despair for 2, then drills him with a backdrop suplex and powerbomb for 2 more. Despair uses the MISTY FIRE EXTINGUISHER OF DOOM and bulldogs both men onto chairs. He brings out the barbed wire and delivers Pointy-Lariats all round, then makes himself a Barbed-Wire Kendo Stick. Double flying kendo stick clotheslines result, Inoue recovers to hit a belly-to-belly suplex and goes to his shoot-fighting moves with a leglock. Despair makes the ropes and bails to the floor, getting caught in a springboard blockbuster off the steps by Skyopath. They brawl on the floor, with Skyopath hitting the “Mental Illness” Van-Syk-anator off the ringsteps. He brings out a handy-dandy Brick-Loaded Sack and gives Inoue a shot in the gonads with it for 2. Despair breaks it up and beats on Inoue, who bails. Despair sets up a pane of glass between two chairs and puts Sykopath through it with a Poison Frankensteiner. Even Bil thought that looked contrived… Sykopath takes a second to do a gory bladejob as Inoue comes in to put Despair in the Miracle Lock. Sykopath boots the hell out of Inoue, trying to make him break the hold. Inoue abrubtly dragon screws him and puts an STF on Sykopath. Despair chairshots Inoue to prevent a tap-out, only to have Kazou steal the chair from the apron. (Setting himsef up for a Mental Illness as Sykopath explodes off the mat.) Kazou sells like a pro, literally hurling himself off the apron. Inoue takes the opportunity to hit three rolling Dragon suplexes, then a release version that dumps Sykopath right on his head. That was a scary sight to behold. It gets 2 before Despair makes the save. He slices Inoues chest with some barbed wire-enhanced chops and piledrives him on a chair for 2. They fight out to the apron, where Skyopath hits a stunning slingshot Double Diamond Dust on both of them. That’s doubly impressive, as it appears Sykopath is now wrestling with a minor concussion. He dumps a section of guardrail on Despair, then DDT’s him onto it. Despair joins the Crimson Msk society as Sykopath places the railing over him and hits a splash off the apron. He heads back to the apron, Inoue bullrushes him off into the guardrail. Inoue drags him back inside and beats the ever-loving, living, breathing snot out of him with some of the stiffest shots I’ve seen in years! Spinning Doctor bomb gets 2. Despair returns to the fray, with a tornado DDT on Inoue and a Michinoku Driver on Skyopath. It gets 2. He takes Inoure to the top buckle and gives him a wicked belly-to-belly moonsault for 2. Inoue reverses a waistlock and hits the Shuttle Loop Buster flapjack suplex for 2 before Sykopath breaks up the pin. Inoue gives him the Shuttle Loop Buster, Sykopath lands on his feet and it’s GORE GORE GORE on Inoue. Sykopath brings out the tables, then plays a quick game of catch with Despair, using chairs instead of a baseball. Sykopath finally hits another Mental Illness on Despair and spears him through a table. He gives Inoue the “Hospitalizationer” gutwrench piledriver on the floor and hits the Syko Krusher on Despair. Inoues drags him off at 2.999 as The Suicide Kings run-in, taking out Payne and Kazou on the outside. Spikyjim uses the dreaded BLUEBERRY KOOL-ADE SPRAY OF DOOM on Sykopath and delivers the Drunk Driver. Inoue stiffs the hell out of LaGrange and suplexes Spikyjim before Despair legsweps him onto a chair. Liger Bomb gets 2.99999. A second is reversed into the Oni-gatame. He won’t give in, so Inoue just CRUSHES him with a Demon Buster Driver for the 3-count. ****1/2 Sublime skills and incredible energy shown all round, especially considering the length of the match. The run-in was logical, and thankfully didn’t turn a great contest into a screwjob.

-Postmatchy, security is required to seperate the Suicide Kings and the New Abortions at ringside.

-Backstage, Spikyjim prepares for acton in a badly-placed pre-taped segment. (Seeing as he was at ringside not ten seconds ago during the pull-apart brawl) A little sloppy, Mr Producer…

-Meanwhile, The Scrayper gets all Old Testament on us.

Spikyjim vs The Scrayper (W/Mr Spize) (BSCW Cruiserweight Title Match)

Spikyjim appears (In the David Copperfeild sense of the word) in the ring in his “Kuroi Tenshi” guise. As this means both men are now wearing white masks, it’s more than a shade tricky figuring out who is who… Thank God they’re wearing different coloured tights! Spiky/Tenshi hits a belly-to-belly throw and wrist clutch exploder suplex. (The extravagantly-named “Grace and Beauty of Devastation”, apparently…) It gets 2. A pumphandle slam is reversed into a superkick by Scrayper. he hits a Yakuza kick as Withonel accuses him of no-selling. Leave the overly-biased insider cracks to me, Bil! Scrayper staples SpikyTenshi mask to his head as the lights go out. Spikyjim does his own run-in, giving Scrayper a chairshot that registers on the Richter scale. Tenshi turns out to be Spikys road agent in a mask, incidently. Spikyjim introduces Scrayper to a kendo stick and hits a White Russian Legsweep for 2. Spikyjim shatters the cane on The Scraypers head and gets 2 more. Scrayper reverse a whip, but hits nothing but shoe leather on a blind charge. They head to the floor, with Spikyjim hitting a nice plancha and bodyblock off a chair. He returns Scrayper to the ring and lands a springboard legdrop onto his chair-loaded face for 2. Scrayper spears Spikyjim as he tries the chair springboard again and hits a butt-ugly moonsault. Like, Chyna in a garterbelt Ugly. Top-rope legdrop gets 2. Spikyjim takes a Yakuza kick that sends him to the floor and draws colour from his nose, Scrayper follows him out with a corkscrew plancha. They brawl out into the fans, bringong out the Hardcore Aluminium Trashcan. Scrayper hits a rana and finds a table beneath the bleachers. Now that’s a stroke of good fortune, finding the arenas’ Spare Table Repository like that… He tries to put Spikyjim through it from a few rows up, Spiky slips out and sentons the Scrayper through instead. Spiky continues the HARDCORE SCAVANGER HUNT OF DEATH by finding a roll of duct tape beneath the cheap seats. He secures the Scrayper to a table with the tape. (Which HAS to be the EXTRA-GRIP variety, or I’m just not buying this…) Anyway, a moonsault puts both guys through it. Heading back to the ring, Spikyjim decides to prove that the pen IS mightier than the sword, finding one under the ring and stabbing the Scrayper in the head with it. Okay, ick! Bridged Tiger suplex gets 2. Spikyjim goes for the Living End, with Scrayper busting out a counter even uglier than the moonsault. Spiky hits an exploder suplex, a backdrop driver, and finally a dangerously uncontrolled Dragon suplex that wipes out the timekeepers table. He misses a 450, Spiky boots him around like a football and hits a senton splash from the ring to the floor. He sets up a table on the floor, takes Spiky to the top and hits a Fire Thunder Driver through it. Sabu is now looking at this ad thinking “Neeeh, it’s a bit spotty for my taste…”. It gets 2 in the end. Spikyjim crotches Scrayper and gives him a top rope DDT, which the Scrayper sells like he just got biffed with a feather duster. He suplexes Spikyjim and puts a few staples into his skull. Next up, he attacks him with a pair of scissors. This is just getting fucking unwatchable! Brainbuster on a chair gets 2. Scrayper brings in a sheet of glass for the Big-Ass Bump, Spiky dropkicks him into the ropes and hits an Arabian facebuster. Spiky hits a cringe-inducing Vetebreaker onto a chair for 2, then a Dunk Driver. Scrayper kicks out at 2, so Spikyjim hits the Grace and Beauty of Devastation. it also gets 2. Spikyjim launches a spear, plunging headfirst through the pane of glass the Scrayper uses to defend himself. The Scayper hits the Dream Scream for the pinfall and title. *3/4 Started well enough, then it was brawl, spot, brawl, spot, blade, blade, blade… and eventually, Scrayper just killed any heat Spikyjims finshers had with his non-selling. And it was just plain gruesome in the “Head-Maiming” middle third…

-Postmatch, Spiky takes out the ref.

-Backstage, we get final thoughts from Irvin and Jakk.

Whiskey Jakk vs “Deadly” Derek Irvin (BSCW World Championship, 2/3 Falls)

The first fall is a Streetfight. With BSCW’s somewhat relaxed attitude towards tables, chairs and stapleguns, I’m curious as to how the define the stip. Irvin uses Jakk as a punching bag in the early going, until he runs into a Clothesline From Heck on a criss-cross. Jakk slingshots him into the corner and hits a legsweep. Irvin takes the low road, kicking Jakk so hard down South, he’s probably wearing his nuts for earrings about now. DDT, then a Tornado version as he works the arm. Jakk returns the crotchkick with interest and tosses Irvin. He whops him a few times with a kendo stick, Irvin blades. White Russian legsweep into the guardrail from Jakk, who brings out a cooler full of ice and just pounds Irvins forehead into mashed potatoes with it. Jakk hits the most recklessly dangerous move I’ve seen all… well, week… but I watch a sinful amount of bad SUPER-EXTREME HARDCORE federation tapes. Anyway, it’s basically a hands-free piledriver onto the ice, meaning Irvin should be counting his blessing he can still feel anything below his neck at this point. He brings Irvin in and up top, Irvin reverses a top-rope powerbomb into a high-impact hurricanra. Irvin gets 2 on the resulting cover. He calls the troops to ringside, but Odin Trollslayer stares down the members of Greed, who decide discretion is a better part of not having you ass kicked. Jakk removes a turnbuckle pad and gives Irvin four consecutive Snake Eyes onto it, the last from a military press position. He brings out a glass-encusted(!!) chair and busts Irvin open six ways to sunset with it. (This fed has GOT to throttle back at times, or some schmoe is going to fucking well die!) Jakk hits a moonsault while holding a chair for the first fall.

Second fall is submissions only. Irvin suddenly goes into Technical Overdrive, applying three holds in as many seconds. He finally settles on an anklelock, Jakk eventually powers out. Jakk hits a belly-to-belly and goes to a bearhug. Irvin rakes the eyes and switches to a sleeper. He turns it into a sleeper drop and works the leg again, hitting repeated legdrops on it. He puts on the Ringpost Figure Four, then uses a unique Mexican Surfboard/Dragon Sleeper combination. Jakk powers out and hits a stunner before getting caught in an armbar. Jakk powers out again and they fight over a Gory Special. Jakk eventually hits a crucifix powerbomb, then gets his SpikyAss Chair kicked into his own face. Irvin put on a Fujiwara armbar, Jakk is KO’ed so the ref awards the fall to Irvin.

Final Fall… Last Man Standing. Jakk suddenly revives, only to get caught in an arm trap neckbreaker and tossed by Irvin. He nails the Space Flying Tiger Drop and Implants Jakk on the ramp. He takes the Stunt Bump, splashing Jakk from the top of the Vail-Tron. Both men are up at 9. I guess someone will actually have to stop breathing to lose… Back to the ring, Jakk sprays the MutaMist and hurls Irvin into the railing, then dumps part of it in his melon. I hope like hell Irvins on danger money! Jakk wraps his boot in barbed wire and punts Irvin in the face with it, then uses the ringbell on him. They bring out some assorted weapons, Irvin takes a glass pitcher in the face… and NO-SELLS it! He DDT’s Jakk onto a cinderblock. He sets up a table and and belly-to-belly suplexes Jakk off the top rope. He drags himself out of the splinters at 9. enziguri from Jakk, he puts Irvin hed-first through a table in the corner. For an encore, he gives Irvin a Jakked Up powerbomb through a flaming table. Thankfully, this is deemed sufficiently life-threatening enough for Irvin to take the ten-count. Jakk retains the title and we’re out of here. This was difficult to rate for me. It felt somewhat disjointed, and I spent most of the match waiting for the coroner to arrive and toe-tag Irvin after one of Jakks’ insanely dangerous spots. Call it ** or thereabouts.

The Bottom Line: A pretty good return to Pay-Per-View for BSCW, although the final couple of match were excercises in Excess. (Especially the Spikyjim/Scrayper chunkblower…Maybe the PPV’s title should have tipped me off?) Still, any event with 3 matches rating higher than three-and-a-half stars is well worth having in your collection.

Recommended.

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s “Ragnarok”

Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling has featured on The Schmucks several times. Since the last Rant, however, the company has undergone some major organisational changes and lost their regular TV spot. However, the company continues to tour and put out a monthly PPV. And so, I took a gamble and plunked down my hard-earned cash for their latest offering… “Ragnarok”. (The Norse equivalent of the Apocolypse. Let’s hope that’s not an omen…)

-We are live from Dartmouth, Massachusetts. Matt Heath and Bill Withonel are in the booth as usual. Ten-bell salute for the World Trade Center victims to start the show. Classy touch.

-Hanibal Carver and Odin Trollslayer arrive at ringside to do some Gertner-esque taunting of the fans. They also talk a little smack about Simply Irresistable, who have a Loser Leaves Town Match tonight.

“The Icon Killer” Matt O’Riordan vs Richard “The Truck” Harris vs Dan “King Kill” Owens vs Whiskey Jakk (w/Fantasy)

This is for #1 contendership to the hardcore title. (And possibly, the Battle For Supremecy Of The Long, Unweildy Nicknames) Harris and O’Riordan start brawling before the other two have even been announced, with Harris choking down O’Riordan. Owens hits the ring, chopblocks Harris and hits the “Kitchen Sink” on O’Riordan. Snap suplex on O’riordan, Harris hits a big Trucking clothesline on Owens as Jakk joins the fray. He sides with O’Riordan and it’s BONZO GONZO early. Double brainbuster on Harris, Owens gives the Impromtu Alliance a 2-for-the-price-of-1 ballshot and a double reverse DDT. Owens locks in a bizzare Reverse Figure-Four on O’Riordan, leaving himself easy prey for Harris who rings his bell and gives him a Big Boot. Jakk prevents the Truckamania legdrop by clothesling Harris to the floor. And the wrestling world utters a collective sigh of relief. Then O’Riordan hits the legdrop… and does the Hulk Posedown. INSTANT heel reaction, right there. Especially from me for bringing back Orange Goblin memories… Owens hits a release German with a non-PC sambo suplex chaser on O’Riordan. Things go from bad to worse for Owens as Jakk and Harris team up to beat him down. Jakk sends Harris after O’Riordan who obliges happily with a huge powerbomb. Jakk abrubtly turns on Harris, Owens saves the Truck with a superkick. He spinebusts Harris, but misses a second and is stungunned. O’Riordan dropkicks Harris into the corner and enziguris Owens. He stops to pose, allowing Harris to gorilla press him. He tosses O’Riordan at Jakk, gifting him a 2-count. Jakk is not pleased, understandably. (Maybe he smells what the Truck was cooking?) Five-alarm slugfest breaks out, clothesline and big splash get 2 for Harris before Owens dropkicks to break the count. Double-arm DDT from Owens, he falls prey to a double legsweep from O’Riordan and Jakk. Jakk goes up as Owens’ legsweeps O’Riordan and follows. They fight on the buckle until a slightly-gimmicky Super Samoan Drop drills Owens into the canvas. O’Riordan blindsides Harris and nails the Lights Out, then revives Jakk to point this out. (What an ass-kisser…) Jakk approves, but of course, backstabs O’Riordan, hitting his “Bamboozled” finisher on him for the pin. *** Hot opener that didn’t overstay it’s welcome. (As it was starting to get slightly ragged near the end…) And watching O’Riordan and Harris fighting for Jakks approval like schoolboys with a crush on the teacher was amusing, too…

Simply Irresistable (“Hot Shit” Rick Sturgis and “The Ebony God” Eric Williams) vs Debonair (Tyson Bryson and “Hollywood” Matt James) vs The Q’s (Quincy LaCroix and “King of Submission” Quinn Charbonneau)

No holding back on lengthy nicknames in this fed, huh? Harris, Jakk and Fantasy are all back at ringside to support their stablemates. The Q’s hit the ring last, and all hell breaks loose in a heartbeat. James and Sturgis take belt shots, The Q’s are suplexed into the ring from the apron, and the Tyson and Williams Clothesline each other for 6 KO’s in sixteen seconds. Neat spot. Note to the BSCW fans… B-S-C-Dub really doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as… well, you know… Sturgis is vertical first. He sends Bryson to the ropes, Bryson catches him with a spinning heel kick for a .08-count. Sturgis sweeps Brysons legs out from under him and applies a side headlock. LaCroix takes the opportunity to baseball slide into Sturgis’ crotch. (Making him an honorary Soprano? Ahhh, fuggeddaboutit…) James and Bryson nails LaCriox with a spiked piledriver, only to take a double bulldog from Charbonneau. The ref starts to get people out of the ring. (Just as I was readying the term “Clusterfuck”, too… BSCW’s timing is ON tonight…) James batters Williams into the corner, prompting Sturgis to call Harris in. He complies only briefly, possibly teasing a break-up or a swerve. Time will tell… Quinn hits a teardrop suplex on Williams and mulekicks James to avoid a full nelson. He snapmares James and tags in LaCroix, who dropkicks the defenceless James in the back of his melon. He swings and misses Williams, who busts out an impressive slingshot backbreaker drop. Sturgis tags in, nailing a springboard legdrop on LaCroix. Simply Irresistable hit “The Ego Trip” on LaCroix for 2. James comes out of nowhere to bodypress Sturgis for 2. Standing moonsault gets 2 more. Sturgis jawjacks James, who wipes out the ref on his oversold recoil. The BSCW fans, smart marks to a man, chant “Ref Bump!” in a funny moment. Cue the mammoth brawl as Sturgis hits two-thirds of the Sexysault on LaCroix. The “Don’t Hate Us Because We’re Beautiful” is interrupted by (SWERVE!) Harris, who catches Sturgis on the top rope for AHHHHHHHH the chokeslam. (The commentators add the “Ahhhhhhh” as Sturgis destroys their table on the way down…) The Q’s hit the “Total Elimination” on Williams, prompting Whiskey Jakk into the ring. (Right, NOW it’s an offical clusterfuck…) He takes out Quinn as Debonair set up the Hart Attack. LaCroix catches Bryson and hits a Quinninoku Driver, but is given “The Dirtnap” by James. Bryson pins Williams to give Simply Irresistable the boot from BSCW. Had the potential for a big, confused schmozz, but the impeccable timing and tight pacing made for a memorable match. ***3/4

-Postmatch, Harris reveals his “Greed” T-shirt. His membership of the stable ends thirty seconds later as he chokeslams both of Debonair and shreds the T-shirt. Indecisive, aint he?

-Backstage, Carver and Trollslayer jump Simply Irresistable. With help from Harris, Sturgis and Williams are given the bums’ rush from the arena.

Shrapnel vs Sykopath (Hardcore Title Match)

We get an intro to the match with some Apocolyptic (and slightly overwrought) on-screen poetry. Sykopath sneaks into Shrapnels locker room and chairshots him to get things started with a bang. Spinning superkick and a drop toehold onto the chair from Sykopath, followed by an Arabian Guillotine. He grabs a mango(?) from the snack table as a weapon, (I would have chosen a really spikey pinapple, personally…) Shrapnel dropkicks him. Sykopath blocks a DDT and T-bones Shrapnel onto the table, which doesn’t break. Maybe it’s the smark in me, but Withonels chant of “Blown Spot” cracks me up… Axe Kick, Shrapnel is dumped on the table. Sykopath climbs onto a convenient ledge and puts himself through the table as he misses a 180 legdrop. Serious Ouch. Shrapnel bulldogs him and sets up the “No Mans Land”. Sykopath shows incredible agility by head scissoring Shrapnel to escape the full nelson, practically twisting himself in knots in the process. Shrapnel ducks the CITRUSY FRUIT OF ZESTY DEATH that Sykopath throws at him. Drop toeholds puts Sykopath through the remains of the table. Shrapnel finds a case of beer and beats on Sykopath with a can of Fosters. (It’s Australian for Hardcore, you know…) Back suplex from Shrapnel, who drags Sykopath to a set of doors. Sykopath kicks them back in his face and they brawl back to the arena. (Sykopath stops en route for the CULINARY WEAPONS OF DOOM from a concession stand… including an entire rottisserie chicken AND a microwave!) Shrapnel gives Sykopath the ol’ Frying Pan In The Kisser and tries to dump the microwave on him. Doubly cringe-inducing spots as Sykopath rolls away, DDT’s Shrapnel on the microwave, then adds an AngleSlam onto it for kicks. He uses the CHEESE GRATER OF BLOODY DEATH and then spikes the ball with a salt shaker. (Does this make Shrapnel a well-seasoned hardcore wrestler? *rimshot*) The ring crew has been busy, setting up tables all over the place, including a gimmicky stack three high. Sykopath doesn’t waste time, putting Shrapnel through the triple tables with a Syko-KrushR off the apron. After a brief sell, Sykopath revives to find trash cans full of weapons. I think we’re offically Over The Top as of now. Shrapnel takes some can shots before DDT-ing Skyopath onto one and going Kendo Krazy. Brutal double kendo stick shot breaks both sticks in half on Sykopaths head. Shrapnel stuffs him inside a trash can and gives him a springboard guillotine legdrop as they finally make it inside the ring. That’s when the Cell(!!!) starts to lower around them. Classic bit as they show the ref.. he’s outside the ring calling pinfalls through a megaphone. Sensible lad… Out comes tons more trash, including *shudder* barbed wire and a strait jacket.(!) Sykopath goes wild with a trash can, stopping only to wire-wrap a kendo stick. He brings in SIX tables, setting one up is immediately put through one with Shrapnels’ “No Man’s Land”. It gets 2. Matt Heath calls dibs on the Cruel Hand of Irony before I do, as Shrapnel sets up a table in the corner, then gets speared through it. Sykopath says “Aw, the Hell with it!” and sets up all four remaining tables. They fight over a German suplex, Sykopath eventually takes the table bump. Shrapnel works the arm briefly, then uses the strait jacket to choke out Sykopath. Sykopath fights back, and a Cruifix powerbomb takes out another table. Sykopath takes a moment to wrap his leg in barb wire. He hits a triple-jump moonsault legdrop on Shrapnel, elevating the insanity factor to “Attending a Slipknot Concert, High On Crack and Wearing an N’Sync T-Shirt” levels. Shrapnel ups the ante even more by writing obscene messages on Sykopaths face with his own blood(!!) as he works him over with a chair. Sykopath lowblows and sets up a superbomb, reversed into a facebuster through a table by Shrapnel. He sets up a a ladder and dives onto Sykopath… who spears him in mid-flight. They trade tired-looking chairswings until Sykopath hits the “Mental Illness”, then nails the Sykotik DDT onto the chair for the pin to retain. Unbelievably insane brawl that strove to be the ultimate in over-the-top garbage wrestling. And they nearly made it, too. ****1/4 (After a minor deduction for bringing out a roast chicken and then not using it. Still, hardly a “poultry” effort! *rimshot*)

-Outside, “Truck” Harris has a brewski and fields a phonecall from Parts Unkown.

-Also backstage, Brian Stephens interviews Boz about his upcoming match.

Hell on Earth (Blacktop & The Rebel) vs B.O.D (Boz & Ninja)

Blacktop does an Underbiker on his Harley, The Rebel does an Edge-like crowd entrance. A Fake Ninja enters, allowing the real Ninja to backjump The Rebel with a kendo stick. The Rebel decides to call “Hell On Earth” rules… read: No Rules. They still go one-on-one to start, with Ninja rolling through a crossbody to get an early one-count on The Rebel. Ninja pummels Rebel and hits the Spearhand, but gets a shot below the belt. Hot tag (called as much by the Smark-dominated crowd) to Blacktop, Clothesline From Heck. Ninja reverses a whip and takes down Blacktop, floating nicely into an Ankle Lock. Blacktop makes the ropes, Boz tags in and simply boots Blacktop in the nuts repeatedly. Crude, though effective. Ninja brings out a table, (Yes, Sykopath and Shrapnel missed a few…) Blacktop is superplexed through it. Ninja slugs it out with The Rebel, with Ninja being forcibly introduced to the ringsteps half a dozen times or so. Ninja blades. The Rebel sets up a pair of chairs next to the ring steps before Ninja recovers and ballshots him. Boz adds a chairshot for good measure, before Ninja legrops The Rebelthrough the chairs. The Rebel blades as well as B.O.D double-team away, Blacktop manages to save The Rebel from a piledriver on the floor, chokeslamming Boz onto the exposed concrete. Back inside, Blacktop gets caught by Ninjas’ spinning heel kick. Missile dropkick and Ninja splash, Boz covers for 2. They beat nine colors of hell out of Blacktop as the Rebel brings out a ladder, a table and a can of lighter fluid. Spot the set-up for the Most Contrived Bump of the night… The Rebel takes out B.O.D with a Ladder Lariat as Blacktop preps the FLAMING TABLE OF INCREASED INSURANCE PREMIUMS. All four men head up the ladder to brawl, with Boz taking Blacktops’ “Career Ender” at the same time as The Rebel hits the “Confederate Drop”. Boz takes the table bump, spiked by Blacktop who proceeds to gorilla press him out of the ring. Boz takes a stretcher ride as Hell on Earth drill Ninja with the “End Of The Road” for 3. ** Not as fluid as the the previous match, with an overly-gimmicky Stunt Bump.

-Outside, Justin Keith cuts a solid pre-match promo, after some odd by-play with interviewer Mike Phillabaum.

Goo vs “The Real Deal” Matt Wilson vs “Mafioso” Max C (North American Championship)

Max C cuts an in-ring interview, getting some cheap face pops by getting all patriotic. (Despite being from Ireland. Guesss even smark fans can mark out occasionally…) Wilson charges him blindly, Goo catches him with a bulldog. Twin elbowdrops score, Goo covers for 1. Wilson chops at both men and delivers a doible headbutt. He beats on Goo, monkey flipping him out of the corner. He dropkicks Goo, then turns and walks directly into a chokeslam from Max C. He misses a legdrop and takes a savate kick from Wilson. Goo breaks up the pinfall and Samoan Drops Wilson. DVD and fistdrop from Goo, Wilson gouges the eyes and takes down Goo, applying a combination half crab/arm bar. Max C Mafia kicks Wilson and belly-to-backs suplexes him. Face miscomunication sees Max C take a Goo Kick. Wilson superkicks Goo in return and works his neck in the corner. Max C recovers to lock a Cobra Clutch on Wilson, who mule kicks to escape. Wilson hits an Ace Crusher and knee lift for 2. Max hits a spinning lariat off a whip, Wilson small packages him for 2. wilson tries to work the leg, Goo hits a neckbreaker on him, selling his own neck injury in the process. Wilson works the neck again, Max C suddenly hits the Mafia Shot and sets up the “Offer You Can’t Refuse”. Wilson fights out, then does the 360 oversell off a clothesline. (Max is a hoss, I should add…) Max tries for the “Offer” again, Wilson manages to hook the ropes with his feet and eyegouges to escape. He hits an axe kick and heads up, missing the Air Wilson by a mile as Max rolls away. Third time lucky for Max as he nails the “Offer” and gets the pinfall and the title. *3/4 It was there…

-Postmatch, Wilson throws a tantrum and beats on Goo with a chair until Max C agrees to a rematch, anyplace, anytime. Wilson blindsides him with the chair, beats him senseless and calls for the bell. (Obviously taking Max very, VERY literaly!) And so we have;

Max C vs Matt wilson

Matt stomps the holy hell out of Max C, hits the Eclipse and pins. Nice twist, but I don’t think that one needs a rating, am I right?

-Post.. uh.. match… Damien Payne helps Max C to the back, before “Hot Shit” Rick Sturgis re-appears. The lights go out as the sound crew suddenly starts playing “Theme Music Roulette”. Eventually, Million Dollar Dragon hits the ring and beats the crap out of Goo, just to be a prick.

“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) vs Justin Keith (No Relation) (BSCW Title Match)

They hit a nice wrestling sequence from the bell, ending with Irvin flipping onto his feet from a backdrop and jawjacking Keith. They reverse a waistlock multiple times until Irvin lnads a Reverse Deacon Drop. (Squishing Keiths’ ‘nads in the process. Ow.) Sunset flip of the top gets 2 for Irvin, before Keith rolls sweetly into a slingshot that bounces Irvin off the buckle. Back-to-back Northern Lights suplexes from keith, Irvin blocks a spinbuster with a Greco-Roman Knee In The Nuts for 2. Keith evades the Deadly Plex, with a firemans’ carry into a Dragon sleeper. nice spot as Irvin tries to kick his way out, only to put himself in perfect position for a piledriver. It gets 2. They trade missed clotheslines, Irvin locks in the Cobra Clutch. (Which seems to be having a major revival at the moment…) He segues into the “One and Only” for 2. He continues the assault on Keiths gonads by crotching him on the ringpost and locking in a ringpost figure-four. He nails a top rope bulldog for 2. (Unlike Rick Steiner, not injuring Keith in the process…) Keith hits a spear and applies a surfboard. Fantasy drags Irvin to the ropes, prompting Keith to chase her. Irvin blows some sort of springboard move and they brawl on the floor. Back inside, Keith is stungunned on a blind charge. Irvin hits an odd springboard something-or-other for 2. Keith blocks the Detonation and goes up for the Blockbuster Surprise. And Misses. (Surprise!!) Irvin snaps off a Northern Lights and senton legdrop for 2. Irvin heads up and wipes himself out as he misses the Detonation. They switch between attempted moves until Irvin takes “Keith’s Deadly Surprise” for 2 and a half. Irvin slips out of the “Lost Marbles”, hits a release Northern Lights and finally lands the Detonation. He goes back up instead of covering, allowing Keith to get some revenge for his brusied testicles by crotching Irvin on the top buckle. They brawl on the top rop, Keith manages to hit the “Deadly Surprise” off the top to win his 3rdBSCW title. *** No gimmicky bumps, no run-ins, just good, solid wrestling. (Even if Irvin, in my opinion one of the best lightweight wrestlers active today, did seem to rely too heavily on the Northern Lights suplex.)

-Postmatch, Irvin calls in the troops and Greed hits the ring to punk out Keith. “Truck” Harris and The Q’s make the save, leading to a brief six-man brawl. Keith has the last word, putting Tyson Bryson through a sheet of glass as we go off air.

The Bottom Line: Blood, Sweat and Chairs Lives! Despite the backstage problems they’ve suffered from, the company came through in a big way with an immaculately presented Pay-Per-View. A few average matches here and there, but overall this was probably their best effort yet, and here’s hoping for many more like it…

Highly Recommended

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s Survival Of The Fittest!

Several weeks back, I ordered the “Survival of the Fittest PPV put on by Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling…. Due to major computer woes, I now finally get around to reviewing the thing… so here we go!

-We were LIVE from the Ranch Bowl, in Omaha, Nebraska. Your hosts are Bill Withonel and Matt Heath. They run down the matches and show us the brackets for the “Survival of the Fittest” tournament. The winner gets a title shot in tonights Triple Threat main event.

Grinnin vs. “Cold Blooded” Johnny Spades

Grinnin cheapshots Spades before the bell, but he’s the face, so the fans love it. Nasty spot right off the bat as Grinnin hits a reverse DDT, snapping Spades neck across the top rope. Okay, Ouch! They brawl on the floor and in the ring before Spades hits a powerslam. T-bone and DDT for 2. Grinnin plays Nasty Face, thumbing Spades in the eye and hitting a gut-wrench powerbomb. Elbowdrop for 1. Back-to-back ballshots from Spades and a pedigree, no cover. Grinnin responds by hitting the third lowblow in a minute. Just for fun, let’s keep a count on the lowblows, shall we? They fight over a backslide, Spades gets a 2-count. He holds the backslide position, rising to hit “The Sure Shot” for the pin. *3/4 Lots of action packed into a very brief match.

-Backstage, Tre Roselli attacks The Rebel with Big Poppa Pipe.

Survival of the Fittest Semi-finals

“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) & Grinnin vs. Goo

Grinnin and Irvin double clothesline Goo as soon as he enters, probably angered by his choice of ring attire. (His tights depict his opponents making whoopee… classy!) Irvin jacks Goos jaw and rolls out. Grinnin tries a powerbomb, only to recieve a record-equalling 3rd lowblow in one night. Goo hits a Samoan drop and bulldog. Goo Kick gets 2. Grinnin misses a Clothesline from Heck, Goo pins him with a bridging Blizzard suplex. Jeez, who did Grinnin piss off in the locker room to job twice in five minutes? Irvin hits a sweet springboard dropkick and dragon screws Goo. He knocks him to the floor, then takes a sick bump as his plancha is turned into a stomach breaker by Goo. Goo then makes all other bumps tonight look tame as he spinebusts Irvin, bouncing the poor guys skull of the ringpost inadvertantly. Goo and Fantasy stall while the ref checks that Irvin is still, y’know, breathing. Eventually, Irvin rises to hit a Tomikazie on Goo. Inside the ring, an elbowdrop gets 2. Implant DDT is reversed into a release Northern Lights by Goo. Irvin absoulutely no-sells it, bouncing up and hitting the Backlash for 2. Goo hits a DVD off a blind charge and lands a top rope splash for 2. Irvin rolls a Northern lights into a small package for 2. He hits a deacons drop off a criss-cross and heads topside. “DDI” off the top hits nothing but mat, Goo dropkicks Irvin in the face. Goo nails “The Plunge” for the pin to advance. **3/4 Good, solid wrestling from Goo and Irvin.

-Backstage, Tre Roselli continues taking out potential Hardcore tournament opponents, bopping Sykopath with his pipe.

-Also backstage, Seth Harker gets all mystical on us. Someone remind him he was stinking up arenas in IEW a few months back.

Million Dollar Dragon & “Bump” Taylor James (w/Erin) vs “The Darksider” Seth Harker

Million Dollar Dragon plays cocky heel, insisting he starts the match. Harker misses a clothesline and gets atomic dropped. MDD hits a spinning heel kick and tries a quick cover . It gets 1. Harker hits a stiff back elbow off a whip. Leaping side kick sends Dragon to the apron. He rakes the eyes and stunguns Harker on the buckle. Back inside, Dragon tries a powerbomb, but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KID.. HARKER! Sunset flip powerbonb gets 2 for Harker. Dragon hits lowblow #5 for the night and DDT’s him. Two swinging neckbreakers follow. Dragon pounds Harker all over the ring, setting up for the Million Dollar Blast. Harker hooks the top rope to block and hits a nice release Northern Lights. Harkers’ Nightbringer moonsault gets the pin to eliminate Dragon. James comes in quickly, overpowering the smaller man. Roundhouse kick and snap elbow for 2. Harker tries some wrestling, floating into a surfboard. James makes the ropes, but walks into a snap suplex for 2. Debonair run-in as James and Harker reverse whips to the ropes. James tries the Bump Slam, Harker lands on his feet. Standing drop-kick nails James. Harker to the ropes, where Debonair chairshot him. He stumbles into the Bump Slam and takes the “Wrestling Thy Name Is Bump” to finsh the match. James advances. ** Like two cruiserweight mini-matches, with some good spots. Abbrieviated by the run-in, which was logical at least.

-Backstage, Max Caschera locks his injured brother Vincent in the locker room mere minutes before their tag title match. Ballsy!

Max Caschera vs. The Q’s (Handicap Tag Title Match)

Debonair arrive to do commentary as Matt C. hits a double chokeslam on the tag champs. (Overconfidence is a killer!) Double clothesline, Quincy bails. Quinn takes a spinning lariat, Max chokes him. DDT for 2 before Quincy makes the save with a springboard splash. He superkicks Max C and distracts the ref as Quinn chokes out Max with the tape from his wrists. Classic heel tactics right there! Max suddenly uses an amateur-style takedown and locks in the “Bella Facia”. Quincy has to break up the hold, this time with a springboard legdrop. The Q’s double-team with a nice catapult into a superkick combination for 2. Max abruptly no-sells the move, hitting a “Grande Capo for 2 on Quinn. He applies and arm wrench and dumps Quinn face-first. Quinn comes to life and locks in an Alaskan Crab. (A Frozen Crustacean if I’ve ever seen one…) He converts it to a half-crab, then a step-over to crossface. Max finally makes the ropes. Quincy is tagged in, quickly hitting a guillotine legdop for 2 as Max plays Paddy Morton. Albeit briefly as nutshot #6 turns the tide. Quincy squirms out of a chokeslam and dropkicks Max out to the floor. More classic heel schticks as Quincy yaks to the ref whil Quinn removes a turnbuckle pad. He facebusts Max onto the steel. Max blades. Multiple shots to the buckle follow, Quinn tags back in. The Q’s hits a Missile dropkick/Frog-splash combo to retain. ** More solid action, slightly predictable, but there.

-Backstage, Tre Roselli interupts Hiroshi Masatos’ snack time with a pipe shot.

“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) vs. Leo (Cruiserweight Title Match)

A nice sequence to start, with Irvin flipping out of a belly-to-back suplex and hitting a reverse DDT as he does so. Leo pops back up, hitting a spin-kick and sitdown facebuster for 1. Criss-cross, Leo hits a head-scissors takedown and backflip kick to send Irvin to the corner. He pummels Irvin from the seconds turnbuckle, so Irvin delivers a sitdown spinebuster. He drags Leo into the buckle ‘nads first and applies the Ringpost Figure-four. Irvin works the leg, remembering to sell the bumps he took in his earlier match with Goo. Dragon Screw gets 2. Leo tries a roll-up, getting a one-count. In a spot both cute in it’s booking and ugly as hell in it’s execution, they attempt simultaneous dropkicks, scoring two air-balls. Irvin blocks a monkey-flip and hits a nice sunset off the top for 2. Leo rolls out of it and superkicks Irvin. Springboard elbow and frog splash for 2. They reverse each others moves half a dozen times before Leo hits a Deadly Plex on Irvin. He heads up top, but gets crotched (Shot #8 to the collective testies of the BSCW tonight!) Irvin hits a Tomikaze off the top, Leo gets a foot on the ropes to prevent a cover. He misses a corkscrew elbowdrop, Leo locks in a sleeper. He turns it into a sleeper slam hooking the tights on the cover. It gets 2. Irvin works the arm but gets dumped to the floor. Leo ups the tempo with a Capricorn Press Handspring plancha, which Irvin meets with a standing drop-kick on the way down. Does this garner the “Holy Shit” chant? You betcha! Double KO until Fantasy dumps water on both men. They return to the ring, Irvin baseball slides through Leos legs and sets for the One and Only. Leo mule kicks (#9!) and hits a Falling Star Driver for 2. He nails Irvin with the Down Under Driver (G’day, mate!) and heads upstairs. Springboard moonsault hits, a second from the middle buckle misses. Blind charge, Irvin drops a shoulder and dumps Leo crotch-first onto the buckle. (We’re in double figures on the groinal abuse spots!) Irvin uses a Reverse Detonation and crawls over for the pin to retain. ***1/4 Good, clean cruiserweight action that played to the strengths of both men. They shake hands post-match to good response from the crowd.

Million Dollar Dragon vs. Goo (Hockey Death Match, BSCW Canadian Championship)

Here’s the concept. A plexiglass enclousre surrounds the ring, which is filled with Hockey-Themed weapons. I’m wondering if we’ll go to sudden death overtime if we reach the time limit… Million Dollar Dragon tries to jump-start proceedings with some high-sticking, but takes a Flatliner instead. Goo pounds him, hitting a brutal spinebuster onto the framework of a goal. Goo checks the Dragon against the boards, but gets caught and powerslammed onto a goalies mask. Powerbomb is reversed into a DDT by Goo. He entagles the Dragon in a net and tosses him around. Million Dollar Fistdrop scores on Million Dollar Dragon (Oh, the irony!) for 2. Double underhook is countered with nutshot #11, Goo takes a piledriver onto a commemorative bust of Ray Borque. (A sure nominee for this years “Keithy” for Most Innovative International Object.) Dragon uses a hockey stick to assist in a Rocker Dropper, but is sent to the boards attempting a Halifax Bulldog. Side slam, Goo takes the chance to blade Dragon. On camera. (That should be a two-minute penalty right there…) He hits the Plunge, climbs the convenient footholds in the cage and lands the Goo Drop for the win. *1/4 A big tossed spot salad with spot dressing on the side.

Survival of the Fittest Tournament Final: Goo vs. “Bump” Taylor James

For a fat bastard, Goo is spreading himself thin tonight. They both place face, shaking hands prior to the bell. After the bell, the fists are a-flying, of course. James wins the slugfest, delivering a Bionic elbow and some BILOXI VIOLENCE in the corner. Bareback out of the corner, we hit the chinlock. (Hey, James, it was GOO who just had the match, ya lazy bastard!) Goo makes the ropes, James tries to re-apply the hold and takes a nasty Hammerlock back suplex. We get the entrhalling sleeper reversal sequence. Innovative ending to the sequence as James climbs the ropes while maintaining the sleeper and hits a hanging neckbreaker for 2. Side slam into a Boston Crab from James, Goo manages to make the ropes. James runs into a Goo Kick for 2. ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF NAGGING DISCOMFORT applied by Goo. Reverse headbutt frees James, who delivers a Bump Slam that catapults Goo off the top rope. Divine Wind headbutt off the top misses. Goo gives him the Goo Train and catches him on the rebound with the Dragon Sleeper. Bump taps out, Goo is YOUR Survival of the Fittest Champion. *1/2 This was just there… the fatigue factor is starting to show.

-Backstage, Taurus and Leo cut a final promo and it’s Main Event time…

BSCW World Heavyweight Championship Match: Taurus vs. Blacktop vs. Goo

Blackytop does his patented “Underbiker” rip-off entrance, Taurus appears to be doing Yokozuna. His pre-match ritual blessing of the ring is interrupted by a clothesline from Blacktop, however. He belly-to-back suplexes the champ and chokes him. Goo schoolboys Blacktop for 1, but runs into a big boot. Blacktop tries to chokeslam Goo, Taurus chop-blocks him and hits a series of Dragon clotheslines on Goo. Blacktop pops up and headbutts Taurus, then DDT’s Goo for 1. Taurus saves, but runs into a chokeslam. Goo locks the Dragon Sleeper in on Blacktop, Taurus breaks it up. He stomps a mudhole in Goo, Blacktop proceeds to walk it dry. Taurus continues to clothesline everything that moves, nailing Blacktop again. He then T-bones him right onto Goo. Double cover gets 1. Blacktop and Goo team to hit a spiked powerbomb on the champ. A Goo Kick prevents Blacktop getting a pin on Taurus. The kick gets 2 for Goo. Sick move as Goo drop toeholds Blacktop, leading to his skull bouncing off Taurus’s cranium. Taurus powers out of a Rude Awakening and tosses THE CEREMONIAL SALT OF AGONY into Goos’ eyes. Back body drop and knee drop for 2. Blacktop breaks the cover. Implant spinebuster, headbutt, Snake Eyes and Blacktop goes for the chokeslam. Taurus punts him in the face and applies a rolling crucifix armbar. Goo drags him off with El Chinlocko Reverso, then heads South of the Border to make an even dozen of lowblows tonight. Oozing Machismo gets 2, Blacktop breaks it up. He powerslams Goo. Backbreaker stretch, Taurus wipes him out with a low dropkick . Revese Fujiwara armbar is applied as Goo heads to the high rent district. He drops a risky-as-heck Goo Drop on both opponents, then a Rude Awakening on Taurus. Splash gets 2, Blacktop stops the count with a well-placed boot. Side slam and legdrop flattens Goo, Blacktop turns his attention to Taurus. He nails the Career Ender, Goo breaks the pin at 2. He sends Blacktop to the apron and hits the FLYING FATASS SUICIDE DDT. He rolls him back in and charges in for The Plunge. Taurus interferes, hanging Goo in the Tree of Woe and bouncing Blacktop off his head in the 2nd nastiest spot of the night. Taurus lands the Gaijin Death Drop on Goo, covers and retains his title. He shakes hands with Blacktop and with a final respectful glance at Goo, we’re out of there. **1/2 Remarkably fast-paced matchup was good, but nothing earth-shattering.

The Bottom Line: The format really made for too many wrestlers having too many matches. (As Tre Rosellis’ backstage skits showed, there was plenty of talent doing a whole lot of nothing backstage.) As always though, the BSCW put on some good, well-booked matches. Not quite on a par with their last few, but still well worth the price of a rental.

Recommended.

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for BSCW Detonation 2001

Okay, so I was going to review WTFL Wrestlemania II… but I picked up the wrong tape from Xenomorphs collection. So, here’s an unexpected review of Blood, Sweat and Chairs, “DETONATION 2001″!

-We are LIVE from The Joint in Lost Wages, Nevada! Hot opening, as Philliple LaFleur gives a rendition of “Viva Las Vegas” to pep up the crowd. Commentator Bill Withonel is somewhat underwhelmed, although Matt Heath seemed to enjoy it. They do their usual good job of bringing us up to speed on all the match-ups. The card sounds good… so let’s get right to it! Oh, wait, my mistake, let’s go backstage first!

-Backstage, Ronanan Alexander interviews Matt O’Riordan about his upcoming match.

Matt O’Riordan vs. Lt. Buzzcut

Lt. Buzzcut? Wasn’t he a G.I Joe figure? Anyway, he’s got a 129-pound weight advantage on the sub-200 pound O’Riordan. Sensibly, O’Riordan blindsides him before the bell, drop-kicking him off the apron to the guardrail. Matt deliers a clothesline on the floor, and rolls the loot back in. Matt shows he studies the classics by hitting a bell-ringer (the old-school “Set him up in the piledriver position and then just jump” move) and goes to an armbar. Smooth transition to an anklelock, Buzzcut makes the ropes. Matt continues the fast offense, but is caught and slammed hard off the top, landing on his face. Buzzcut goes to the Iron Claw.(!) Matt fights out with an ugly-looking head-scissors takedown. Phillipe LaFleurs’ compaion “Pepe” arrives at ringside, joining the French announcers table briefly. O’Riordan hits a football tackle to take down Buzzcut and works the leg. He attempts a figure-four, but Buzzcut powers out. Matt charges blind and runs into a sleeper drop. Short-arm clothesline, and Matt takes a Military Bomb to the floor for the count-out loss.

3/4* Not much to speak of for an opener, although it had potential.

-Backstage, Andrew Samspon recieves an urgent message.

Mr M.A.K (w/Jack Daniels, Mark “Da Man” Mathers, Vehicular Homicidal Mutilator, and Ms. Longsmuttname) vs. The Rebel (w/Blacktop and Bunn) (No DQ)

There’s so many people at ringside it looks like a Battle Royal… MAK and Rebel brawl from the get-go, with MAK hitting a “Painful Experience”. (The most honestly-named move in sports entertainment?) More brawling, Rebel blocks a “Dark Dragon” and ducks a clothesline, hitting a hangmans neckbreaker instead. A well-executed dropkick and short-arm clothesline score for the Rebel. He misses a discus punch, MAK hits a bridging belly-to-back suplex for 2. MAK locks in the Dark Dragon, which involves repeated headbutts to the back of the Rebels cranium. Ouch. Bill gains my admiration by bagging both George W. Bush and Hulk Hogan in successive sentences! The Rebel makes the ropes, but MAK won’t break. So Rebel simply falls backwards onto him! He pummels MAK, but hits a kneelift to the turnbuckle on a blind charge. MAK goes up and hits the Violent Decapitator. He rolls out for the chair, and we have an impromptu Lumberjack match as Four Q brawls with Blacktop. MAK tries for a Violent M-Anator, but FINALLY someone does what I’ve been saying for years… The Rebel ducks and nails MAK with his own chair! Confederate Drop on the chair gets the win for The Rebel.

** Short, but not bad. Good ending, too.

-Backstage, Matt O’Riordan tries to recoup from his loss by chatting up J.C Swingers’ valet, Tina. Swinger is less than pleased. Well, it beats the hell out of a hot cup of coffee for a feud-starter…

“Barely Of Age” Brendan Deegan vs. Vic “Tim Dogg” Simmons (w/ Scroddy Johnson and The Nubian Nightmare) (Hardcore Title Match)

Vic and co. bring shopping carts full of garbage to ringside. Vic sports a tennis racket (Jim Cornette’s booking?) studded with glass. Deegan meets him on the floor and hits a ballshot 5 seconds in. Implant spinebuster into a shopping trolley sends garbage flying everywhere. Nice visual. Deegan punts Vic around like a football briefly. Vic finds a silverware set (Now there’s some originality!) and blades Brendan on the arm with it. He tosses Deegan back in and brings some garbage in for laughs. Deegan is whipped to the ropes and tries for a garbage can shot, but Deegan hits a spear instead. Nubian Nightmare hits Deegan with a reverse DDT from behind. Deegan lands on the garbage can. He no-sells it, spearing both Vic and NN. He side-slams Nightmare onto a tray, who bails. Vic hits ballshot #2 and an Ace Crusher. He drops an elbowdrop while holding a baseball bat, then uses the same weapon to apply a nasty-looking hammerlock. Deegan powers out, and Vic takes the Flair Flip into the Tree of Woe. Deegan retrieves the garbage can and baseball slides it into Vics face. Nice spot! Whip is reversed by Vic, dropping Deegan. Nightmare and Scroddy proceed to upend an entire cartfull of garbage on him. A toaster over biffs him in the head in a painful moment. Vic adds injury to injury by dropping the cart on him as well. In the moment of supreme insanity, he lays the cart on Deegan and splashes him from the top rope. Both men are down, but the ref counts the pinfall, as Vics foot is on Deegans chest. Timby retains.

**2/3 Garbage wrestling it may be, but it was GOOD garbage wrestling. Vic even sells the bump all the way back up the aisle.

Goo vs. J.C Swinger (w/Tina) (Canadian Championship Match)

Goo is from North Dakota, Swinger is from California. So much for the Canadian thing. Maybe the belt’s from Canada? Goo tries to shake hands, and gets suckerpunched instead. Schmuck. Clothesline, Swinger stomps a few mudholes in Goos’ gut. He ducks a clothesline, and hits a Dsty Elbow. Octopus stretch is applied, Swinger falls back on him for 1. Swinger hits a DDT and works the neck as Bill Withonel loses the plot briefly. Snap suplex by Swinger. he goes to a camel clutch, then releases it as Tina goes to the apron with JC’s kendo stick. JC distracts the ref, but ina misses Goo. He pushes her to the floor, knocking her silly on the ring apron en route. Swinger heads out to check on her. Goo tries some sort of DDT and gets dumped to the floor. Odd-looking belly-to-belly suplex by Swinger. Goo reverses a whip to the steps and rolls inside. He takes a breather… then hits a Space Flying Tiger Drop to the floor. Just when I was giving up on this match, too! Back inside, Swinger hits the superkick and attempts the Beverly Hills Number Cruncher. Goo groingshots him and hits the Goo Train (No, that ain’t a misprint…). Death Plunge scores the upset win for Goo.

* Well, they can’t all be classics. Goo and Swinger just didn’t seem to gell in this one… (Goo? Gell? Did I just make a bad pun?)

-Earlier tonight, Mike Phillabaum interviews Zodiac. (Despite getting beaten to a bloody pulp in the process)

Significant Brothers (Brian Deegan and John O’Riordan) vs Gemini (No Interferance Tag Team Title Match)

Both teams shake hands, signifying a dual-face match. Gemini II charges O’Riordan early, hitting a shoulderblock. (Matt calls it “man-sized!”. Quit stealing my stuff, Heath!) O’Riordan ducks a clothesline on the rebound and hits a spinning DDT for not-even-one. Deegan tags in, but runs into a crisp belly-to-back suplex. Gemini II drags Deegan away from O’Riordan and tags Gemini I in. Double brainbuster nails Deegan. O’Riordan is in quickly to clothesline a Gemini to the floor. Deegan hits a standing blockbuster for nearly-2 on Gemini I. Deegan goes to the headlock, hitting an innovativly indescribable rana on Gemini. Memphis Outlaw tries a limp-in, but the co-commisioners Trollslayer and Carver meet him midway to enforce the no-run in stip. Trollslayer hits a Soul Stealer, and Outlaw ends up in a dumpster. Back in the ring, Gemini I reverses a Northern lights into a Falcons Arrow for 2.5. Deegan takes the chest-first whip into the buckle. Gemini literaly walks over him on his way to tag Gemini II back in. They double team Deegan, before Gemini II (or possibly I) whips Deegan to the ropes. Deegan tags blind before he’s back-dropped. O’Riordan hits a big missile drop-kick on the unsuspecting Gemini. The other Gemini hits the ring, but Deegan tosses him with the Significant Suicide. Gemini I is hit with a beautiful sligshot/flying clothesline combination by the Significant Brothers. The ref ushers out Deegan as O’Riordan covers. Finally, the ref counts, but Gemini I gets a foot to the ropes at 2. O’Riordan hits a Phoenix Splash, but misses a Johnton Bomb. Gemini I tags out, then hits the Scales Of Libra on O’Riordan. Deegan tries unsucessfully to make the save, as Gemini II pins to retain.

**3/4 Another solid outing, and the fourth clean finish in a row!

-Postmatch, the teams shake hands again. Carver and Trollslayer announce they are stepping down as Co-Commisioners. The replacement? Phillipe LaFleur, naturally. He announces less gimmick matches, more wrestling. Maybe LaFleur should have helmed WCW near the end…

Andrew Sampson (w/Lila) vs. Max C. (U.S Championship Match)

Lt. Buzzcut attacks Max on his way to the ring. He’s saved by “Vincent”. Hopefully not the nWo stoge, though… Max is from Ireland, but Sampson arrives to U2. Oh, the irony. Lila and Andrew appear to be upset after their “message” backstage. Andrew is so distracted he walks into a clothesline. Max spears him through the ropes. Back inside right away, sampson applies an anklelock. “Vincent” walks to ringside as Heath begs for a card without a run-in. Okay, I forgive him for using my lines if we’re in agreement on endless run-ins. Max C. makes the ropes. Sampson makes a half-hearted charge into a spinning clothesline. Spear into “La Rabbia” by Max C. Andrew doesn’t kick out, and we have a new champion.

DUD for the match. The priority was obviously storyline first, match second in this one.

-Postmatch, Andrew and Lila leave for a flight. They exchange dialogue that subtley informs us that Andrews father is dying. Nice to have a storyline and not get beaten over the head with it for once.

X-Kalibur vs. Joker vs. Leo (Triple Threat Iron Man Match for the Cruiserweight title)

Big Vegas-style entry for Leo, the reiging champion. Explosive start as X-Kalibur runs into a spinebuster as he attempts a clothesline on Joker. Leo breaks up Jokers cover and gets ballshotted. Pumphandle slam by Joker. “The Assasin” Ken Ness runs-in, chokeslamming Leo and hitting “The Final Cut” on Joker. Rent-a-cops arrive to cuff and eject both Ness and X-Kalibur. Joker and Leo both score DQ falls as a result. We’re now down to a straight one-on-one match. (So much for creating history with the first triple threat Iron Man match!) Leo finally recovers enough to hit a snap leg drop. He scores the pinfall. 2-1 to Leo. He tries to continue the pressure with a snap suplex, but Joker flips elegantly out and hits a superkick. Spinning heel kick follows. Joker uses the ropes for leverage and scores a pinfall. 2-2. Joker maintains the advantage by using a humourous squirting flower. Russian legsweep gets 2. Leo ducks a clothesline and hits a springboard back elbow. Leo misses a frog splash, allowing Joker to get a fall off a rolling senton leg drop. 3-2 to Joker at the 15-minute mark.

Joker slows things down with a step-over to crossface. Leo tries to get to the ropes. Joker breaks, dragging Leo into the center. He tries to re-apply the hold, mule kick from Leo. Rolling senton from Leo misses, but he somehow hits a spinning sidekick instead. Leo heads up to hit an eye-poping moonsault elbowdrop for 3. 3-3 after 28 minutes. (Yes, 28 minutes. Either my watch is slow, or there was some subtle clippage going on.)

Joker tries to pummel Leo to the corner, but takes a sidewalk slam.Leo jumps to the top and misses an asai moonsault.Leo sends him back to the corner, but is backdropped to the apron by Leo. Joker stunguns Leo and hits a springboard legdrop for the pinfall. 4-3 to Joker at 37 minutes. (Yup, as I thought, there’s a while lotta clippin’ going on!) We go to a figure four from Joker, reversed into a Texas Cloverleaf. Joker taps out at 47 minutes to lock it up again. I have it at 4-all, but the announcers say otherwise, indicating a fall was lost by the editor. With ten to go, Joker smashes the timekeeprs table with a cross-body plancha that missed. Leo hits a Falling Star Driver in the ring. His pinfall locks the scores up.

Joker hits a drop-toehold and an innovative tilt-a-whirl tombstone for 2. Joker heads up for a missile drop-kick. Leo meets him on the way down with a drop-kick of his own. Asai moonsault off the bottom rope by Leo. He ups the ante with a moonsault from the middle rope, then one from the top for 3 with 2 seconds left to retain.

***1/4 Good cruiserweight action. The editing probably took out a lot of rest-holds, and I’m all for that. The “Triple Threat” idea could have worked, but I guess we’ll never know for sure.

-Backstage, Taurus prepares for his World Tilte challenge, cutting a good promo in the bargain.

World Title Match (2 out of 3 falls): Taurus (w/Leo and Gemini) vs. Justin Keith

Phillipe LeFleur announces the stipulations. Fall one is a strap match. I hate strap matches. Justin strikes first, slapping Taurus with the strap. Taurus responds with a takedown and beats on him. He loops the strap around Keiths throat and beils him around the ring. Taurus reaches two turnbuckles before Keith hits the Viciousness. He makes one buckle before Taurus hits him with a release German suplex, rolling into a Fujiwara armbar. Keith rakes the eyes to escape and chokes him with the strap. Falling neckbreaker, than a snap suplex with the strap wrapped around Taurus’ neck. Nasty. Taurus blocks another suplex, and drops Keith stomach-first on the top rope. Elbow to the head sends Keith down. He tries for the buckles, but Keith yanks the strap tight, crotching Taurus. Pedigree drops Taurus, Keith touches all four buckles to win the first fall.

The second fall is a Finisher Only match. Taurus is still woozy from the Pedigree, so Keith hits a flying clothesline. He misses an elbowdrop, and gets a Dragon clothesline on a blind charge. A second sends Keith to the floor. Taurus heads out and superkicks Keith, who falls onto the guardrail. A gusher of a nosebleed results. (Possibly a legit broken nose for Keith?) Side russian legsweep into the guardrail by Taurus. he attempts a high kneelift, crotching himself on the rail as a result. Keith chairshots him cold. Two more chairshots knock Taurus into the fans. Keith moves in, and gets T-boned into the expensive seats. Taurus treats the crowd as his own private mosh pit, crowd-surfing into a double axe-handle on Taurus. Wild! Rocker dropper on the floor, Taurus blades. Keith goes for The Blockbuster Surprise. taurus catches him and hits a “Kryptonite Krunch” on the floor as Matt goes all J.R on us. They lie around for a bit, then brawl back to the ring, with Taurus working Keiths’ arm. He suplexes Keith into the corner of the apron in a nasty spot, then locks in the Horns of Taurus for the submission.

In the final fall, Death Match rules apply. They lock-up and go to a headlock sequence. Taurus hits a Blue Thunder powerbomb out of nowhere, then a savate kick to the throat. Blind charge hits the buckle. Keith strikes with the Lost Marbles. Double KO. Keith makes it to the top. Frog splash lands on Taurus’ raised boot. Taurus gets old-school with a heart punch. He goes to the well once too often, Keith catches the fist and headbutts him. Keith kicks him between the uprights and hits the Hell Driver. He rolls out, retrieving a window (complete with frame) from beneath the ring. (He usually carries a sheet of glass, apparently… Heath calls it an “upgrade”…) He lay the glass in the ring and goes up. Is that Irony I smell approaching? Taurus crotches him on the top buckle and hits a mammoth belly-to-belly onto the window frame. The ref counts, Taurus is up by 7. Keith stays down for the count, and Taurus takes the title. Zodiac hits the ring to congratulate the overcome Taurus, and we’re out.

***3/4 Very solidly booked main event with no run-ins! Actually, as I look back… EVERY MATCH had a clean finish! What are the odds? The match allowed both men to play to their strengths… too bad about the strap match (But, hey… that’s just my bias, perhaps. At least they didn’t “Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal!”)

The Bottom Line: Another very good outing from BSCW, with excellent matches practically from start to finish! Great stuff!

Highly recommended

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s “Bloodfest ‘01″

Hi guys, “Not” Keith here again with another Retro Rant. Recently, Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling surprised this jaded reporter with a tremendous Pay-Per-View in the “Shane Delany Tournament 2001″. To find out if this was their usual standard or just good luck, I headed down to the Video-Vault to track down their previous show. Enough set-up, let’s get into BSCW’s “Bloodfest ‘01″!

-We are LIVE (at the time) from Pawtucket, Rhode Island. Our commentators are Matt Heath and Bill Withonel. They run things down for us. A “Bongo-Drum-On-A-Pole” match sounds… interesting… That’s Rhode Island for you, I guess.

Opening Match: Citizen-X vs. Andrew Sampson (w/Lila)

Citizen-X faces a pink slip if he loses this one. Not suprisingly, he tries to jumpstart proceedings. Sampson blocks a kneelift and hits a spinebuster. Anklelock, X makes the ropes. From the lockup, Sampson delivers with some educated knees. Underhook suplex. Sampson rolls into an underhook brainbuster, then an underhook Backbreaker. He hooks in the Divine Retribution (still a VERY cool name for a submission move) and it’s over.

* It was a squash, but Sampson showed a ton of potential early in his BSCW career.

-Justin Possible hits the ring. He runs down Citizen-X, cutting a killer heel promo and challenges him to one final match in BCSCW. Citizen-X accepts and we have;

Citizen X vs Justin “Possible” Keith (No relation)

Slugfest start is won by Justin. He spears X out of his boots. Headlock and some kicks to the noggin send X reeling. Two northern lights suplexes and a spinbuster follow. Geez, who did X tick off in the locker room? Justin Pedigrees X for the 3. He’s not finished, however, setting up two chairs. He hits a “Screw Driver” on the chairs. Is he done? Hell, no! Justin proceeds to set up a pane of glass across the backs of the chairs. X takes Da Blockbuster Surprise through the glass and this massacre is finally over.

**3/4 Squash part two, but I guess if you’re on your way out of the federation, you may as well go out in a big way!

-The night goes from bad to worse for X as Co-commisioner Hannibal Carver arrives. (w/branding iron) X gets a permanent reminder of his time in BSCW.

Da Old Timerz (S.D Jonez and “El Loco” Jose La Parka) vs. Significant Brothers (“Bad Religion” John O’Riordan and “The xtreme Icon” Brian Deegan) (Bongo Drum On a Pole Match)

S.D Jonez? Better get a stopwatch ready… La Parka starts with Deegan. Headlock to Standing Blockbuster. Parka blades 8 seconds into the match. Yowza. Tag to O’Riordan. S.D runs into a spinning DDT. Deegansault scores on La Parka. Jonez is tossed, O’Riordan hits the Sacrifice Underhook Bomb. He tags Deegan in. Parka is double suplexed to the floor. Jonez, a true sucker for punishment hits the ring and gets stereo crotchshots. The Significance wipes him out. O’Riordan retrieves the bongos and gives quick performance before busting open Jonez with it.

* The Squash trilogy is complete. Let’s move on.

“T-Dawg” Timby (w/Anna-Marie) vs. Mr M.A.K (W/ Ms. Beastiality) (Hardcore Title Match)

M.A.K jumpstarts the match with a clothesline from acroos the ring. Big brawl, Timby bails. MAK (Enough with the periods, already) takes flight, but he’s caught mid-plancha and powerslammed to the mat. Cover gets half. Greco-Roman boot-in-the-balls turns it around for MAK. He DDTs Timby on the ramp and sets up a table. Anna-Maria makes the save, pulling the table away before MAK can hit the M-Cutta. Spinebuster from Timby. He finds barbed wire and wraps the table with it. This takes a while, allowing MAK to recover. Reverse DDT from MAK, who then chases Anna-Maria. Ms Bestiality blocks her path and applies a “Mr Beaver” Glove-puppet Claw. MAK steals Annas’ “Leather Bag Full of Thumbtacks” (The ULTIMATE fashion acessory for valets this season) and pours thumbtacks on the wire-wrapped table. Smell the highspot! Timby has bladed bigtime (Off a reverse DDT? That’s pushing it.) MAK hits yet another DDT. (An Ultimo DDT, just to keep things fresh) M-cutta attempt is reversed into an ugly neckbreaker. Timby goes for a chair. Placing it on MAKs face, he hits a top rope elbow. MAK bleeds the hardway, possibly even suffering a broken nose in the process. They tease a tablespot, MAK gives Timby a stungun to escape. Van MAK-anator scores. (When will they learn? If someone throws you a chair, HIT THEM with it!) MAK ups the ante by setting the table alight. He climbs the ropes, and gets crotched. Timby hits a Norse Power Chokeslam through the TABLE OF DOOM for the easy three-count.

*1/4 Not much to see here. The whole match was simply a set-up for the flaming table bump.

Matt Maelstrom/X-Kalibur vs Hellz Angelz (Tag Team Title match)

Big face pop for Hellz Angelz as they enter. The challengers attack before the bell, send Armageddon to the floor. Maelstrom and X-Kalibur double-team Doomsday, including a nice spiked Tumbleweed legdrop. X-Kalibur goes airborne to nail Armageddon as Matt tries for a submission in the ring. Doomsday makes the ropes. Maelstrom drives Doomsday into the corner and pummels him. Tornado DDT. Mack (Not M.A.K) runs in as Doomsday is set up for a Suicide Sonata. He belts X-Kalibur with a pipe to draw a cheap DQ.

DUD The whole match had a rushed feel to it. Lame ending, too…

-Postmatch, The Angelz and Mack destroy Maelstrom and X-Kalibur.

Jabroni Mahoney/Senor Jabronie vs Teacher and Clown (Ultimate Jobber Championship Match)

Four-way trainwreck in the middle signals the start of the comedy match. Mr Jobcore (Teacher) and Senor brawl in their own.. unique way. Jobcore atomic drops Senor, hurting his own knee in the process. Tag to Jabronie. He hurts his back on a suplex attempt. Jobcore tags in Slade. Slade dances. And makes balloon animals. (Or at least, balloon Modern Art) Mahoney puts on a sleeper. Slade uses an oversized clown shoe to escape. Warm-ish tag to Jobcore. He falls over. Mahoney helps him up, Jobcore lowblows him. Figure-four leglock, Snor runs in, but trips on the balloon animal. Mahoney submits, Jobcore wins the belt.

3/4* For the balloon animals, 1/4* bonus for Bills’ assesment of the match (“That sucked a llamas’ ass”… nice turn of phrase, Bill!)

Matt Maelstrom vs Vic “Tim Dogg” Simmons (Intercontinental Title Match)

Matt is pulling double duty tonight, after his tag maytch. He’s no-selling the beatdown he recieved from the Angelz. Vic arrives with an entourage, and a DJ. We waste a ton of time with a rap and dance sequence. finally, we’re underway. Punching and kicking dominate the early going. Vics’ attempted chop-block earns a knee to the head. Matt locks in an STF. Vic rakes his eyes repeatedly, then bites his hands to make him release the hold. Facebuster and Tumbleweed legdrop gets 2 for Matt. He applies a chickenwing, Vic drags him out through the ropes. We go to a chair-fest on the outside. Scroddy Johnson also arrives to attack Matt. Matt sucker-punches him right in the Johnson… HEY! Bill is stealing my gag! Scroddy is DVD-ed through a table. Back to the ring, where a spinning neckbreaker gets 2 for Maelstrom. Tornado DDT, no cover. Blind charge misses, Matt gets hiself hung on the Tree of woe. Baseball slide drop-kick from Vic. Matt blades. Splash Mountain powerbomb gets the win and the title for Vic.

3/4* It just isn’t happening tonight…

Taurus (w/Hannibal Carver) vs “Hot Sh!t” Rick Sturgis. (Mask vs. Gimmick)

Taurus and Carver tall on the outside, so Sturgis hits a tope suicida on both of them. Hot start. Carver legsweeps Sturgis on the floor. Inside, Taurus hits two dragon clotheslines and a samoan drop. He covers, but picks Sturgis up at 2. He works the arm with a Fujiwara armbar. Sturgis reaches the ropes and bails. Taurus gives chase, running into a sunset flip that smacks his head into the guardrail. Sturgis hits an Asai moonsault off the rail, then a sitdown facebuster on the floor. Taurus blades. Sturgis misses a bodyblock, landing heavily on the rail. Carver and Taurus hit a twin White Russian Legsweep on Sturgis. Taurus sets up the table and Sturgis takes a Super Gaigiin Drop through it. He rolls Sturgis in a applies the Horns of Taurus for the submission.

**1/3 Hot, hot match, but needed a lot more time to develop it. A could-have-been.

-Post-match, Carver intros’ Gemini and the re-united Zodiac pose.

Main Event: World Title Match (w/ Commisioner Odin Trollslayer as Guest Referee) Justin Keith (w/sheet of glass) vs Phillipe LaFleur (w/Pepe)

Stall-a-rama to start. Justin gets the best of LaFleur early, working the leg with an STF. He switches to a Dragon Sleeper variant. LaFleur uses a Firemans carry to counter. Leg-drop and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! LaFleur uses the camel clutch, Trollslayer makes him break because it’s boring. No, really, that’s the reason he gives. Good call, that man! Headlock sequence leads to Phillipe taking two flying clotheslines. He turns a third into a nicely-timed belly-to-belly that hangs Keith in the Tree of Woe. The Paris Avalanche scores. Inverted cradle piledriver gets 1. Back elbow is ducked, Keith spears LaFleur. Viciousness (ie. punching and kicking with a cool name) results. Diving elbow gets 2. Blind charge gets two French leg-drags from LaFleur. The Sacre Bleu (Spinning DVD) gets 2.9! Northen Lights is reversed into the Lost Marbles. (O-kay) Pedigree gets 2, foot on the ropes saves LaFleur. Keith complains about Trollslayers count, so Trollslayer decks him. LaFleur covers, but Odin is playing to the fans. Pepe complains, Odin smacks him around and puts him through a table with the “Shit That Hurt” Powerbomb. The significant Brothers hit the ring. O’Riordan distracts Trollslayer, as Deegan and Keith hit a double missile drop-kick. The “Deadly Trio” pose. The lights go out. They come back on, to reveal the Rebel has arrived and KO-ed all three of the Trio. He drags LaFleur over to cover and retain.

*1/2 A bit overbooked, and nothing too spectacular.

The Bottom Line: An early effort from BSCW, and it shows. Interesting to see the early form of Sampson, who can only improve, and the Taurus/Sturgis match had real potential. This fed has only one way to go… and that’s up.. I look forward to following their progress.

Thumbs squarely in the middle.