HONORABLE MENTION:

Chris Cyrus (APW): unified the APW and CWF Xtreme Title by defeating Rocky Starr

Barrett Hawk (cWo): picked up non-title win over cWo Champion Mike Logan when Logan simply walked out on the match.

Brawn (FWO): not many people picked this up, but Brawn ruined what had been Max Danger’s dream week by beating and winning Danger’s FWO Internet Title

Morgan Jones (HIW): won the HIW UK Title from Emma McIntyre at HIW’s Final Countdown PPV

Araknis (LoC): won LoC’s Flyweight Title from Austin Advent at Violence 45

Superstar Vince Jacobs (LoC): won a battle royale at Violence 45 before he was taken out by Brandon Thomas.

Georgie Nickels (PWR): on general principle after knocking out Nick Stevenson when he threw a tiny pink bikini at her and told her she had to wrestle in it.

Greg Venom (Simcoe County): defeated Kirsta Lewis for Simcoe’s All-Barrie title

Logan (WCF): won the WCF US Title from Seth Lerch at WCF War VIII.

TOP FIVE:

5. Chris Moliano (ACW): defeated Spencer King and the former Spirit of ACW titleholder Trevor Wilson to win the belt at the Wake.

4. The Heirs of Wrestling-Ryan Galway and Frank Pierce (ACW): became ACW’s first tag team champions by knocking off the First Airbourne at ACW’s Wake show

3. Chester Addison (HIW): was crowned the new HIW Elite Champion after defeating former champ Johnny Styles at Final Countdown

2. Slickie T (WCF): the victor in WCF’s War Match

1. Sam X (Siberian Wrestling): pinned Cecile Lecrux to win her Siberian Heavyweight title at Desolation PPV.

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s Bloodfest

Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling has been a staple of these pages since its’ inception. And while recent cutbacks have seen BSCW’s operations stripped back, they recently returned to Pay-Per-View with “Bloodfest”. Was it worth the cash I poneyed up to watch? Let’s find out, shall we….

-Preshow, we get a video package detailing the history of “Deadly” Derek Irvin and Whiskey Jakk, who are in the the main event tonight. This is followed up with shorter spots that bring us up to speed with very other scheduled match. In a nice touch, even the participants in the Battle Royal get some promo-time.

-And we are LIVE from Suffolk Downs racecourse in Boston, Massachuetts! Matt Heath and Bil Withonel are our announcers, as per-usual. They play mic-tag as they plug the matches. Hot crowd.

-Odin Trollslayer arrives to plug a forthcoming BSCW/NEO supercard, getting in his shots on Derek Irvin in the process. He doesn’t overstay his welcome, either.

Brian Deegan vs “The Icon Killer” Matt O’Riordan

Deegan gets some in-ring mic-time before the match, O’Riordan responds in kind from backstage. He abrubtly reconciles with Deegan and gives him a “welcome back” gift of a framed photo of the O’Riordan and Deegan boys as kids. Of course, he gives it to him over the head, thus setting two records in one. (Fastest PPV Bladejob and Earliest SWERVE of the Year.) He works over the cut until Brian armdrags him. Some joint armdraggery occurs until O’Riordan begins to pummel the forehead again. Deegan chops back and gets a sunset variant for 2. He avoids a clothesline and hits a springboard bodyblock for 2. O’Riordan catches Deegan as he attempts the sunset flip again and tries to use Brians’ Deegan Driver on him. Deegan rolls through, cradling for 2. He hits a nice headscissors, clotheslines O’Riordan to the floor and bodyblocks him off the top. After a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it braw they return to the ring, where O’Riordan hits an invert DDt off a criss-cross. He works the leg, using a Boston Crab, then gets a bridged German for 2. Two more suplexes follow for 2 more. Deegan flips out of a fourth suplex and superkicks O’Riordan into the next timezone. O’Riordan recovers first and rolls a double-leg takedown into a pinning combination, getting 2 before Deegan bridges out and hits a Tiger Bomb for 2. A “Deegancanrana” gets 2. The “Mind Eraser” spinning kick and a springboard moonsault get 2 more as Deegan builds the momentum, only to get dropkicked in the knee. O’Riordan ups the points for pyschology as he goes to the figure-four. Deegan makes the superman comeback, reversing the hold until O’Riordan makes the ropes. O’Riordan avoids an enziguri and goes for the anklelock, Deegan boots him in the mush and loks in a Texas Cloverleaf instead. O’Riordan won’t tap out, so Deegan hits a Fishermans Buster for two-and-a-bit. He misses a shooting-star frogsplash(!!), O’Riordan gets a two-count. Gutwrench powerbomb gets 2. O’Riordan completes the pyschology by dropkicking Deegan in both the knee AND the ankle, but can’t get an anklelock on. He hits a brainbuster and heads out for a chair. Deegan launches a tope suicida at him, running cranium-first into O’Riordans Barry Bonds-esque swing. He’s content to win by count-out, but Deegan makes it back in at 8. O’Riordan misses a swandive headbutt, Deegan locks in a crossface on him. (Wow, BOTH guys are dipping into the Benoit Bag O’Tricks!) Matt reaches the ropes and hits a wheelbarrow suplex for 2. He continues to work over Deegans ankle, this time with a chair, until Deegan reverses a full-nelson into a neckbreaker. It gets 2. Deegan tries to go up, but it’s like an ascent on Everest due to the injured knee. He makes a heroic effort, then misses a Flying Something, which was also missed by the cameraman. O’Riordan applies the anklelock for the tap-out. ***3/4 Solid wrestling, with a perfect ending given O’Riordans knee-based attack.

-Postmatch, O’Riordan dishes out a few more lumps to Deegan. Shannon Stevens makes the save. In a wacky coincidence, Sid Starr, a NEO wrestler Deegan will face in an upcoming tournament, is in a front row seat. He gives Deegan some static, getting bitchslapped and ejected as a result.

-The Suicide Kings arrive to taunt the fans. Final score, Spikyjim 99, Fans 0…

-Backstage, Goo and Blockbuster Bob share interview time.

-Elsewhere, “Bastard Deluxe”, Andy “No Soul” James cusses and accuses his opponents of having funny names. For a man with a double-tiered nickname, that’s a stretch…

-Also elsewhere, Chris Pike plugs Powerade and annoys Ronan Aleaxander.

Battle Royal

We return to ringside with only the last few participants still to be introduced, continuing the nice tight pacing of the show. Blockbuster Bobs’ hiliarious “Rocky” piss-take gains points for featuring James Brown himself! Bob’s excessive beergut gets the biggest heel pop of the the night so far, though… The usual Pier Twenty-Fiver breaks out from the bell, with Devin Burke quickly eliminated by Hell on Earth. Dexter Hodges bodyblocks Ceaser Risley, and both are history. The tag teams in the match pair off as we lose Boz and Shane Alexander. Well, the dead wood is clearing nicely! Chris Pike decides to employ the Lawler Strategem, rolling out and practising the Art of Not Being Seen beneath the ring. Vladimir Stukowski goes all Iron Curtain on Laramees’ ass as no less than five guys quit the ring to brawl on the floor. That solves the usual lack of space problem you get in a Battle Royal. Hell on Earth load up the plunder, with Vince Viper bringing out the barbed wire. He busts open Stevens with a barb-wire wrapped punch and knocks him inot the moderately-priced seats. Laramee gets the first chairshot of the match, courtesy of LaGrange. He can’t be eliminated, though as he had the forethought to handcuff himself to the top rope. Brian Taylor hits a springboard van Brianator on LaGrange as the Hell on Earth brawl with the Dreamboys on the floor. El Pollo Loco eliminates himself and GORILLA Kazuo with the CHICKENCANRANA OF DOOM! (With eleven herbs and spices!) As the chaos continues, Moo and Goo team up. (Yeah, like I didn’t see THAT coming!) They annihilate Andy James with a suplex/neckbreaker combo as The Young Hellions use their secret weapon on Stukovski… MONEY! The Evil Soviet accepts the fistful of Benjamins and pummels Goo. Moo gets tossed by a temporary five-man alliance. Fargo gets dropkicked off the apron by Blade Jin taking out Blacktop in a table-rending spot. Blacktops’ partner Rebel gets backdropped through a second table, possibly feeling left out. Kristoff St Livingston and David Donovan are low-bridged by Goo, and they’re done. Oops, spoke too soon, as Donovan clings to the apron like a limpet. Goo learns why you don’t engage in a slugfest with a guy wearing barbed wire on his fists and is eliminated by Viper. Stukovski unloads on Stevens with some FORMERLY SOVIET VIOLENCE, as LaGrange takes the phrase “Stick a fork in him, he’s done!” a shade too literally. Stevens gets dumped by Stukovski, with Donovan getting the assist. Half of Hell on Earth and The Dreamboys gets eliminated together, followed seconds later by the other two. (Who up the ante by taking out a table on the way.) We suddenly get a shot of what appears to be Vince Viper commiting an indecent act on Laramee. Luckily, he’s just retrieving the key to Laramees’ handcuffs. Viper beats him to a pulp and tosses him, then gets eliminated by LaGrange during his celebration. Blade Jin runs into a ballshot at Mach 2 and gets thrown into the eight row by Donovan. He pairs off wuith LaGrange as Kotani employs the little-known “Taunt The Fat Guy With a Chocolate bar” strategy on Blockbuster Bob. Vlad Stukovski uses an authentically-Russian side-Russian legsweep on LaGrange and double-teams him with Donovan. James makes the save, only to get leveled by Donovan. Pike returns from his vacation beneath the ring at this stage, sneakily tossing out Donovan. He helps James to beat down Vlad, then James proves to be just as sneaky, eliminating Pike from behind. Kotani throws his Baby ruth into the crowde, then tips out Blockbuster Bob as he chases the candy. As Vlad chokeslams both LaGrange and James, Bob proves to be a bad sport, dragging out Kotani from the floor to brawl back to the locker room.

Final Four: Vladimir Stukovski, Brian Taylor, Travis LaGrange and Andy James. Stukovski and LaGrange pummel Taylor as James backs off and waits. Taylor is quickly belly-to-back suplexed right out of the ring by Vlad. LaGrange tries a quick bodyblock on Vlad, leaving nthem teetering on the ropes. James tips both men out to win. I don’t rate battle royals, but this wasn’t half bad.

-Backstage, Shrapnel has words for Todd Royal.

Shrapnel vs Todd Royal (W/Megan Skye) (BSCW North American Championship)

Shrapnel jumpstarts the match, dropkicking Royal off the apron prior to the bell. He hits a sweet springboard 450 bodypress and they brawl on the floor. Royal bounces Shrapnel off evrything in sight before running headfirst into a C-4. Shrapnel heads back inside, then gets lowbridged attempting to knock Rpyal off the apron again. He loads up the plunder as Royal showboats, and launches into some TRASHCAN LID VIOLENCE. Royal jawjacks him and chops away. Shrapnwel no-sells, hitting a short clothesline. He sets up a table and brings Royal back to the ring. Oh, and a ladder and a pair of tables. DDT gets 2 for Shrapnel. He goes up, Royal catches him at the top. They slug it out, Royal gets suplexed off the top, taking out the table on his way to the ground. Shrapnel brings some fluro tubes into the match, breaking one over Royals melon, then choking him out with another. The second tube shatters, and Royal bleeds hardway from the neck. That’s not a nice visual… Shrapnel hits a “No Mans’ Land” onto the final fluro tube, then goes up the ladder. He misses some sort of dive onto Royal, smashing his own head into the turnbuckle. (Well, that just brought painful memories of Owen Hart rushing back…) Royal pins for 2. He argues the point with the ref, so Shrapnel hits the “Dispersement” Van-Shrap-ernator for 2. He spin-kicks Royal to the floor and hits a mammoth springboard tope. Back inside, he sets up his tables and ladder and plants Royal on one. Shrapnel goes up with a chair, risks a fifteen-yard penalty with a throat-slash sign, then hits an Arabian Guillotine off the top for the pinfall and title. Man, Royal got NOTHING in this one. *1/2 Big bumps a-plenty, but just didn’t do a thing for me…

-Postmatch, Shrapnel beats Royal down, then puts him through a flaming table, THEN “breaks” Royals leg witha chair. I know there’s nothing like going out with a bang… but this was WAY excessive!

-Backstage, Debonair talk a little and cuss a lot.

Debonair (Matt James and Tyson Bryson) vs Kill Army (Reverend Black and Lupo Blanco)

I think this is for the tag titles, but since the match kicks off with James being hurled through the entranceway by Blanco before the intros, it’s only a guess. The other two hit ringside, causing the tragic loss of some innocent sporting equipment and some severe damage to gardening tools. They make it to the ring, but the match still resembles a drunken barfight in a Pizza Hut, so it’s nearly impossible to recap. Within seconds, Debonair take the high road to avoid a shovel-wielding Black, hotfooting it through the fans. Blanco is armed with a croquet mallet by now. (Adding 1/4 of a star for NOT stooping to the SLEDGEHAMMER OF INEVITABILTY!) Bryson evicts fans from their seats, tossing them at the good Reverand. Black KO’s a complete Cletus of a fan and beats the holy hell (pun DEFINATLEY intended) out opf Bryson. Bryson uses the MALTED BEVERAGE OF ALCOHOLIC DEATH to turn the tables and wallops him with his own shovel. We cut to James and Blanco in a kitchen, beating each other with a Microsoft X-Box! No, I have no idea where they found it, but it’s a shoo-in for a “Keithie” nomination. Bloanco hits the first wrestling manuever of the match with a belly-to-back suplex while Black and Bryson start the requisite Concession Stand Brawl. Bryson makes use of mustard and licorice, which only makes Black hungry, it seems. He chows down on Brysons’ forehead, then drags him into the mens room. We’re treated to charming Visual #2, as Bryson gets dunked into an extra-wide, extra-long urinal. Black puts him head-first into a mirror as we pick up with James and Blanco, who’ve taken their fight to a silver-service resturant. Blanco hits a balcony dive onto James, putting him through a table, then tries to bottle him. James fights him off with a table leg and piledrives him onto the remains of the table. Both parties return to ringside, with James having liberated a sheet of glass from somewhere. Bryson DDT’s Black on the ground and sets up a table, then spinebusts Black onto a folded ladder. Inside the ring, James gets 2 off a Falcons’ Arrow on Blanco, just to remind us this is still technically a wrestling match. Blanco gets backdropped into the glass-loaded corner, landing in the Tree of Woe, Bryson baseball slides his head through the glass. Contrived? Just a little…. Bryson splashes him off the ladder for 2. Hart Attack gets 2 before Black saves. He chairshots Bryson and brings in some more Hardcore Weapons. He goes all Tiger Woods on James with a 9-iron. (I’d have used a putter for a close-range shot myself…) Kill Army toss out both members of Debonair, then Black backdrops Blanco onto them. They double-spinebust James. Blanco uses a grater on him, then jams a trashcan on his head and both take turns kabonging him with assorted weaponry. Even MORE weapons come out, courtesy of Bryson. he nails Black with a cowbell, then catches a twisting splash off the ladder by Blanco, turning it into the Dirtnap for the pinfall. ** The hilariosly over-the-top opening and the backstage shenanagins were great. Once it returned to ring, however, the match degenerated into a parade of weapon shots and gimmicky spots. Sometimes it pays to quit while you’re ahead…

-Backstage, Taurus ponders his future in wrestling.

Taurus (W/Richard “Truck” Harris) vs Seth Harker (W/Coma)
(Finisher Only Match)

Some trash-talking occurs from the bell. Negotiations break down quickly, leading to some punching and shoving. Harker unleashes some PARTS UNKNOWN VIOLENCE and double-reverses a whip, hitting an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Pinfalls don’t count, but Taurus kicks out quickly anyway. They exchange pleasantries again, Taurus catches Harkers arms on a shove and suplexes him. Harker lands on his feet, ducks a clothesline and tries a corkscrew bodypress. Taurus fields him like a flyball and hits a Fire Thunder Driver. He clotheslines Harker out of the ring, Harker holds on and skins the cat back in. Taurus charges blind, Harker low-bridges him, doing the splits in the process. He pops the crowd with a corkscrew plancha onto Harris and Taurus. Back in the ring, Harker gets caught on a blind charge, Taurus just plain and simply beats the crap out of him with some evil-looking knees and elbows. He tries for the Gaijn Death Drop, Harker scales his opponent and attempts a Frankensteiner. Taurus simply powerbombs him half-way to China. Harris sets up a table on the floor as Taurus hits a German, then sends Harker from the ring to the table with a Zero Straitjacket Suplex in a painful-looking spot. He sends Harker into the steps, then brings him back to the ring. Harker has bladed. He lowblows Taurus and hits a dragon sleeper-to-backbreaker, then a hammerlock-to-legsweep, and finally a hammerlock-to-bodyslam. I feel like I’m playing Tekken with all these combos… Harker works the arm until Coma helps out by dragging Taurus to the floor. Harker baseball slides Taurus and lays in some kicks to the head, bouncing Taurus’s skull off the guardrail. That’s just MEAN… Coma sets up a table as Harker nails a springboard bulldog of the railing. He places Taurus on the table, then returns to the ring to hit a twisting Judas Air. Well, SOMEONE’s put his working boots on tonight… They both sell the move for a while as Coma and Harris get into some fisticuffs. The two fight to the top of the ‘Tron, Harris takes out the Comic Relief, hitting a Truck Stop on Coma all the way to the ground. Well, that was seriously unexpected… EMT’s cart off Coma and Harris as Harker dips into Spikyjims’ playbook, hitting the Drunk Driver invert brainbbuster on Taurus. He tries to end things with the Nightbringer moonsault, Taurus rolls out of the way. He tries to powerbomb Harker, BUT YOU CAN’T… Oh, wait, I guess you CAN powerbomb Harker, as Taurus flapjacks the facejam attempt and hits a spinning Doctor bomb. Taurus applies a Stetch Plum, then hits a pumphandle powerbomb when Harker fights his way out. He applies Harkers’ Darkness Falls submission hold onto him, then turns it into a suplex. Harker bails, ballshotting Taurus on the floor. He attempts the Judas Air a second time, Taurus catches him in mid-air and posts him repeatedly. He drills him with an inverted cradle brainbuster on the floor and goes up top. His attempt at hitting the Nightbringer on Harker backfires, Harker goes up to show him how it’s done. Taurus rolls away, Harker lands on his feet on the ground. He ducks a clothesline launches a Railrunner Clothesline at Taurus, running into a mother of a superkick. Back in the ring, Harker blocks the Gaijin Death Drop and locks in the Horns of Taurus. Taurus escapes, Harker goes to the Darkness Falls, turning it into a sleeper drop. He goes on a tear, hitting a crossface halo and low dropkick. He decides to give Taurus the Gaijin Death Drop, Taurus counters and sets him up for a powerbomb off the second turnbuckle. This is countered sweetly into a springboard DDT by Harker. He misses the Nightbringer again, once more landing on his feet and tries a Dragonsteiner. Taurus catches him, climbs the buckles and hits the Death Drop for the win. **** I’ve accused Harker of turning in half-assed performances in the past, but he looked seriously motivated here. Factor in a typically top-notch performance by Taurus, the usual BSCW tightly-paced timing and we’re probably looking at the best match of his career to date. The Stunt Bump mid-match was a shade jarring, though…

-Meanwhile, Despair has a few brews while cutting a feature-length promo.

-Elsewhere, William Payne responds on behalf of Inoue.

Despair vs Sykopath vs Asama Inoue (W/William Payne and GORILLA Kouzo)

Inoue clears the ring from the get-go, dominating both his opponenets with some raw power. Despair and Skyopath quickly team up to beat him down, hitting knee smashes and baseball slides in the corner. They spinebust him and set up for the old Quebecers cannonball. Despair tries a little treachery, turning it into a victory roll on Sykopath for 2. They do some flippy-floppy stuff, Inoue joins in and Sky-Highs’ Sykopath onto a fallen Despair. He tries a German on Sykopath, who reverses it. Inoue clings to the ropes to block, so Sykopath vaults the ropes, stungunning Inoue in the process. Despair hits a nice tope onto both men and brawls with Sykopath. Inoue unleashes some JAPANESE VIOLENCE on Despair as Bil Withonel goes off on a sureal tanget about his penis. Despair brings out a kendo stick and beats Sykopath like a dog/government mule/red-headed stepchild until Inoue breaks that up with a baseball slide. He drags Skyopath back to the ring and hits five rolling suplexes until Despair comes out of nowhere with a crossbody for 2 on both men. Sykopath takes control, loading both men into a corner for a double Diamond Dust. He breaks out the plunder and hands out chairshots to all and sundry. Arabian facebuster from the top scores on Despair, Inoue puts an end to his flurry with a release German. Chair-enhanced legdrop gets 2. Sykopath hits a handspring elbow, but is laid out by a chair-wielding Despair. DDT onto the chair gets 2 for Despair. He works over Sykopath with Inoue. Inoue cradle suplexes Despair for 2, then drills him with a backdrop suplex and powerbomb for 2 more. Despair uses the MISTY FIRE EXTINGUISHER OF DOOM and bulldogs both men onto chairs. He brings out the barbed wire and delivers Pointy-Lariats all round, then makes himself a Barbed-Wire Kendo Stick. Double flying kendo stick clotheslines result, Inoue recovers to hit a belly-to-belly suplex and goes to his shoot-fighting moves with a leglock. Despair makes the ropes and bails to the floor, getting caught in a springboard blockbuster off the steps by Skyopath. They brawl on the floor, with Skyopath hitting the “Mental Illness” Van-Syk-anator off the ringsteps. He brings out a handy-dandy Brick-Loaded Sack and gives Inoue a shot in the gonads with it for 2. Despair breaks it up and beats on Inoue, who bails. Despair sets up a pane of glass between two chairs and puts Sykopath through it with a Poison Frankensteiner. Even Bil thought that looked contrived… Sykopath takes a second to do a gory bladejob as Inoue comes in to put Despair in the Miracle Lock. Sykopath boots the hell out of Inoue, trying to make him break the hold. Inoue abrubtly dragon screws him and puts an STF on Sykopath. Despair chairshots Inoue to prevent a tap-out, only to have Kazou steal the chair from the apron. (Setting himsef up for a Mental Illness as Sykopath explodes off the mat.) Kazou sells like a pro, literally hurling himself off the apron. Inoue takes the opportunity to hit three rolling Dragon suplexes, then a release version that dumps Sykopath right on his head. That was a scary sight to behold. It gets 2 before Despair makes the save. He slices Inoues chest with some barbed wire-enhanced chops and piledrives him on a chair for 2. They fight out to the apron, where Skyopath hits a stunning slingshot Double Diamond Dust on both of them. That’s doubly impressive, as it appears Sykopath is now wrestling with a minor concussion. He dumps a section of guardrail on Despair, then DDT’s him onto it. Despair joins the Crimson Msk society as Sykopath places the railing over him and hits a splash off the apron. He heads back to the apron, Inoue bullrushes him off into the guardrail. Inoue drags him back inside and beats the ever-loving, living, breathing snot out of him with some of the stiffest shots I’ve seen in years! Spinning Doctor bomb gets 2. Despair returns to the fray, with a tornado DDT on Inoue and a Michinoku Driver on Skyopath. It gets 2. He takes Inoure to the top buckle and gives him a wicked belly-to-belly moonsault for 2. Inoue reverses a waistlock and hits the Shuttle Loop Buster flapjack suplex for 2 before Sykopath breaks up the pin. Inoue gives him the Shuttle Loop Buster, Sykopath lands on his feet and it’s GORE GORE GORE on Inoue. Sykopath brings out the tables, then plays a quick game of catch with Despair, using chairs instead of a baseball. Sykopath finally hits another Mental Illness on Despair and spears him through a table. He gives Inoue the “Hospitalizationer” gutwrench piledriver on the floor and hits the Syko Krusher on Despair. Inoues drags him off at 2.999 as The Suicide Kings run-in, taking out Payne and Kazou on the outside. Spikyjim uses the dreaded BLUEBERRY KOOL-ADE SPRAY OF DOOM on Sykopath and delivers the Drunk Driver. Inoue stiffs the hell out of LaGrange and suplexes Spikyjim before Despair legsweps him onto a chair. Liger Bomb gets 2.99999. A second is reversed into the Oni-gatame. He won’t give in, so Inoue just CRUSHES him with a Demon Buster Driver for the 3-count. ****1/2 Sublime skills and incredible energy shown all round, especially considering the length of the match. The run-in was logical, and thankfully didn’t turn a great contest into a screwjob.

-Postmatchy, security is required to seperate the Suicide Kings and the New Abortions at ringside.

-Backstage, Spikyjim prepares for acton in a badly-placed pre-taped segment. (Seeing as he was at ringside not ten seconds ago during the pull-apart brawl) A little sloppy, Mr Producer…

-Meanwhile, The Scrayper gets all Old Testament on us.

Spikyjim vs The Scrayper (W/Mr Spize) (BSCW Cruiserweight Title Match)

Spikyjim appears (In the David Copperfeild sense of the word) in the ring in his “Kuroi Tenshi” guise. As this means both men are now wearing white masks, it’s more than a shade tricky figuring out who is who… Thank God they’re wearing different coloured tights! Spiky/Tenshi hits a belly-to-belly throw and wrist clutch exploder suplex. (The extravagantly-named “Grace and Beauty of Devastation”, apparently…) It gets 2. A pumphandle slam is reversed into a superkick by Scrayper. he hits a Yakuza kick as Withonel accuses him of no-selling. Leave the overly-biased insider cracks to me, Bil! Scrayper staples SpikyTenshi mask to his head as the lights go out. Spikyjim does his own run-in, giving Scrayper a chairshot that registers on the Richter scale. Tenshi turns out to be Spikys road agent in a mask, incidently. Spikyjim introduces Scrayper to a kendo stick and hits a White Russian Legsweep for 2. Spikyjim shatters the cane on The Scraypers head and gets 2 more. Scrayper reverse a whip, but hits nothing but shoe leather on a blind charge. They head to the floor, with Spikyjim hitting a nice plancha and bodyblock off a chair. He returns Scrayper to the ring and lands a springboard legdrop onto his chair-loaded face for 2. Scrayper spears Spikyjim as he tries the chair springboard again and hits a butt-ugly moonsault. Like, Chyna in a garterbelt Ugly. Top-rope legdrop gets 2. Spikyjim takes a Yakuza kick that sends him to the floor and draws colour from his nose, Scrayper follows him out with a corkscrew plancha. They brawl out into the fans, bringong out the Hardcore Aluminium Trashcan. Scrayper hits a rana and finds a table beneath the bleachers. Now that’s a stroke of good fortune, finding the arenas’ Spare Table Repository like that… He tries to put Spikyjim through it from a few rows up, Spiky slips out and sentons the Scrayper through instead. Spiky continues the HARDCORE SCAVANGER HUNT OF DEATH by finding a roll of duct tape beneath the cheap seats. He secures the Scrayper to a table with the tape. (Which HAS to be the EXTRA-GRIP variety, or I’m just not buying this…) Anyway, a moonsault puts both guys through it. Heading back to the ring, Spikyjim decides to prove that the pen IS mightier than the sword, finding one under the ring and stabbing the Scrayper in the head with it. Okay, ick! Bridged Tiger suplex gets 2. Spikyjim goes for the Living End, with Scrayper busting out a counter even uglier than the moonsault. Spiky hits an exploder suplex, a backdrop driver, and finally a dangerously uncontrolled Dragon suplex that wipes out the timekeepers table. He misses a 450, Spiky boots him around like a football and hits a senton splash from the ring to the floor. He sets up a table on the floor, takes Spiky to the top and hits a Fire Thunder Driver through it. Sabu is now looking at this ad thinking “Neeeh, it’s a bit spotty for my taste…”. It gets 2 in the end. Spikyjim crotches Scrayper and gives him a top rope DDT, which the Scrayper sells like he just got biffed with a feather duster. He suplexes Spikyjim and puts a few staples into his skull. Next up, he attacks him with a pair of scissors. This is just getting fucking unwatchable! Brainbuster on a chair gets 2. Scrayper brings in a sheet of glass for the Big-Ass Bump, Spiky dropkicks him into the ropes and hits an Arabian facebuster. Spiky hits a cringe-inducing Vetebreaker onto a chair for 2, then a Dunk Driver. Scrayper kicks out at 2, so Spikyjim hits the Grace and Beauty of Devastation. it also gets 2. Spikyjim launches a spear, plunging headfirst through the pane of glass the Scrayper uses to defend himself. The Scayper hits the Dream Scream for the pinfall and title. *3/4 Started well enough, then it was brawl, spot, brawl, spot, blade, blade, blade… and eventually, Scrayper just killed any heat Spikyjims finshers had with his non-selling. And it was just plain gruesome in the “Head-Maiming” middle third…

-Postmatch, Spiky takes out the ref.

-Backstage, we get final thoughts from Irvin and Jakk.

Whiskey Jakk vs “Deadly” Derek Irvin (BSCW World Championship, 2/3 Falls)

The first fall is a Streetfight. With BSCW’s somewhat relaxed attitude towards tables, chairs and stapleguns, I’m curious as to how the define the stip. Irvin uses Jakk as a punching bag in the early going, until he runs into a Clothesline From Heck on a criss-cross. Jakk slingshots him into the corner and hits a legsweep. Irvin takes the low road, kicking Jakk so hard down South, he’s probably wearing his nuts for earrings about now. DDT, then a Tornado version as he works the arm. Jakk returns the crotchkick with interest and tosses Irvin. He whops him a few times with a kendo stick, Irvin blades. White Russian legsweep into the guardrail from Jakk, who brings out a cooler full of ice and just pounds Irvins forehead into mashed potatoes with it. Jakk hits the most recklessly dangerous move I’ve seen all… well, week… but I watch a sinful amount of bad SUPER-EXTREME HARDCORE federation tapes. Anyway, it’s basically a hands-free piledriver onto the ice, meaning Irvin should be counting his blessing he can still feel anything below his neck at this point. He brings Irvin in and up top, Irvin reverses a top-rope powerbomb into a high-impact hurricanra. Irvin gets 2 on the resulting cover. He calls the troops to ringside, but Odin Trollslayer stares down the members of Greed, who decide discretion is a better part of not having you ass kicked. Jakk removes a turnbuckle pad and gives Irvin four consecutive Snake Eyes onto it, the last from a military press position. He brings out a glass-encusted(!!) chair and busts Irvin open six ways to sunset with it. (This fed has GOT to throttle back at times, or some schmoe is going to fucking well die!) Jakk hits a moonsault while holding a chair for the first fall.

Second fall is submissions only. Irvin suddenly goes into Technical Overdrive, applying three holds in as many seconds. He finally settles on an anklelock, Jakk eventually powers out. Jakk hits a belly-to-belly and goes to a bearhug. Irvin rakes the eyes and switches to a sleeper. He turns it into a sleeper drop and works the leg again, hitting repeated legdrops on it. He puts on the Ringpost Figure Four, then uses a unique Mexican Surfboard/Dragon Sleeper combination. Jakk powers out and hits a stunner before getting caught in an armbar. Jakk powers out again and they fight over a Gory Special. Jakk eventually hits a crucifix powerbomb, then gets his SpikyAss Chair kicked into his own face. Irvin put on a Fujiwara armbar, Jakk is KO’ed so the ref awards the fall to Irvin.

Final Fall… Last Man Standing. Jakk suddenly revives, only to get caught in an arm trap neckbreaker and tossed by Irvin. He nails the Space Flying Tiger Drop and Implants Jakk on the ramp. He takes the Stunt Bump, splashing Jakk from the top of the Vail-Tron. Both men are up at 9. I guess someone will actually have to stop breathing to lose… Back to the ring, Jakk sprays the MutaMist and hurls Irvin into the railing, then dumps part of it in his melon. I hope like hell Irvins on danger money! Jakk wraps his boot in barbed wire and punts Irvin in the face with it, then uses the ringbell on him. They bring out some assorted weapons, Irvin takes a glass pitcher in the face… and NO-SELLS it! He DDT’s Jakk onto a cinderblock. He sets up a table and and belly-to-belly suplexes Jakk off the top rope. He drags himself out of the splinters at 9. enziguri from Jakk, he puts Irvin hed-first through a table in the corner. For an encore, he gives Irvin a Jakked Up powerbomb through a flaming table. Thankfully, this is deemed sufficiently life-threatening enough for Irvin to take the ten-count. Jakk retains the title and we’re out of here. This was difficult to rate for me. It felt somewhat disjointed, and I spent most of the match waiting for the coroner to arrive and toe-tag Irvin after one of Jakks’ insanely dangerous spots. Call it ** or thereabouts.

The Bottom Line: A pretty good return to Pay-Per-View for BSCW, although the final couple of match were excercises in Excess. (Especially the Spikyjim/Scrayper chunkblower…Maybe the PPV’s title should have tipped me off?) Still, any event with 3 matches rating higher than three-and-a-half stars is well worth having in your collection.

Recommended.

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s “Ragnarok”

Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling has featured on The Schmucks several times. Since the last Rant, however, the company has undergone some major organisational changes and lost their regular TV spot. However, the company continues to tour and put out a monthly PPV. And so, I took a gamble and plunked down my hard-earned cash for their latest offering… “Ragnarok”. (The Norse equivalent of the Apocolypse. Let’s hope that’s not an omen…)

-We are live from Dartmouth, Massachusetts. Matt Heath and Bill Withonel are in the booth as usual. Ten-bell salute for the World Trade Center victims to start the show. Classy touch.

-Hanibal Carver and Odin Trollslayer arrive at ringside to do some Gertner-esque taunting of the fans. They also talk a little smack about Simply Irresistable, who have a Loser Leaves Town Match tonight.

“The Icon Killer” Matt O’Riordan vs Richard “The Truck” Harris vs Dan “King Kill” Owens vs Whiskey Jakk (w/Fantasy)

This is for #1 contendership to the hardcore title. (And possibly, the Battle For Supremecy Of The Long, Unweildy Nicknames) Harris and O’Riordan start brawling before the other two have even been announced, with Harris choking down O’Riordan. Owens hits the ring, chopblocks Harris and hits the “Kitchen Sink” on O’Riordan. Snap suplex on O’riordan, Harris hits a big Trucking clothesline on Owens as Jakk joins the fray. He sides with O’Riordan and it’s BONZO GONZO early. Double brainbuster on Harris, Owens gives the Impromtu Alliance a 2-for-the-price-of-1 ballshot and a double reverse DDT. Owens locks in a bizzare Reverse Figure-Four on O’Riordan, leaving himself easy prey for Harris who rings his bell and gives him a Big Boot. Jakk prevents the Truckamania legdrop by clothesling Harris to the floor. And the wrestling world utters a collective sigh of relief. Then O’Riordan hits the legdrop… and does the Hulk Posedown. INSTANT heel reaction, right there. Especially from me for bringing back Orange Goblin memories… Owens hits a release German with a non-PC sambo suplex chaser on O’Riordan. Things go from bad to worse for Owens as Jakk and Harris team up to beat him down. Jakk sends Harris after O’Riordan who obliges happily with a huge powerbomb. Jakk abrubtly turns on Harris, Owens saves the Truck with a superkick. He spinebusts Harris, but misses a second and is stungunned. O’Riordan dropkicks Harris into the corner and enziguris Owens. He stops to pose, allowing Harris to gorilla press him. He tosses O’Riordan at Jakk, gifting him a 2-count. Jakk is not pleased, understandably. (Maybe he smells what the Truck was cooking?) Five-alarm slugfest breaks out, clothesline and big splash get 2 for Harris before Owens dropkicks to break the count. Double-arm DDT from Owens, he falls prey to a double legsweep from O’Riordan and Jakk. Jakk goes up as Owens’ legsweeps O’Riordan and follows. They fight on the buckle until a slightly-gimmicky Super Samoan Drop drills Owens into the canvas. O’Riordan blindsides Harris and nails the Lights Out, then revives Jakk to point this out. (What an ass-kisser…) Jakk approves, but of course, backstabs O’Riordan, hitting his “Bamboozled” finisher on him for the pin. *** Hot opener that didn’t overstay it’s welcome. (As it was starting to get slightly ragged near the end…) And watching O’Riordan and Harris fighting for Jakks approval like schoolboys with a crush on the teacher was amusing, too…

Simply Irresistable (“Hot Shit” Rick Sturgis and “The Ebony God” Eric Williams) vs Debonair (Tyson Bryson and “Hollywood” Matt James) vs The Q’s (Quincy LaCroix and “King of Submission” Quinn Charbonneau)

No holding back on lengthy nicknames in this fed, huh? Harris, Jakk and Fantasy are all back at ringside to support their stablemates. The Q’s hit the ring last, and all hell breaks loose in a heartbeat. James and Sturgis take belt shots, The Q’s are suplexed into the ring from the apron, and the Tyson and Williams Clothesline each other for 6 KO’s in sixteen seconds. Neat spot. Note to the BSCW fans… B-S-C-Dub really doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as… well, you know… Sturgis is vertical first. He sends Bryson to the ropes, Bryson catches him with a spinning heel kick for a .08-count. Sturgis sweeps Brysons legs out from under him and applies a side headlock. LaCroix takes the opportunity to baseball slide into Sturgis’ crotch. (Making him an honorary Soprano? Ahhh, fuggeddaboutit…) James and Bryson nails LaCriox with a spiked piledriver, only to take a double bulldog from Charbonneau. The ref starts to get people out of the ring. (Just as I was readying the term “Clusterfuck”, too… BSCW’s timing is ON tonight…) James batters Williams into the corner, prompting Sturgis to call Harris in. He complies only briefly, possibly teasing a break-up or a swerve. Time will tell… Quinn hits a teardrop suplex on Williams and mulekicks James to avoid a full nelson. He snapmares James and tags in LaCroix, who dropkicks the defenceless James in the back of his melon. He swings and misses Williams, who busts out an impressive slingshot backbreaker drop. Sturgis tags in, nailing a springboard legdrop on LaCroix. Simply Irresistable hit “The Ego Trip” on LaCroix for 2. James comes out of nowhere to bodypress Sturgis for 2. Standing moonsault gets 2 more. Sturgis jawjacks James, who wipes out the ref on his oversold recoil. The BSCW fans, smart marks to a man, chant “Ref Bump!” in a funny moment. Cue the mammoth brawl as Sturgis hits two-thirds of the Sexysault on LaCroix. The “Don’t Hate Us Because We’re Beautiful” is interrupted by (SWERVE!) Harris, who catches Sturgis on the top rope for AHHHHHHHH the chokeslam. (The commentators add the “Ahhhhhhh” as Sturgis destroys their table on the way down…) The Q’s hit the “Total Elimination” on Williams, prompting Whiskey Jakk into the ring. (Right, NOW it’s an offical clusterfuck…) He takes out Quinn as Debonair set up the Hart Attack. LaCroix catches Bryson and hits a Quinninoku Driver, but is given “The Dirtnap” by James. Bryson pins Williams to give Simply Irresistable the boot from BSCW. Had the potential for a big, confused schmozz, but the impeccable timing and tight pacing made for a memorable match. ***3/4

-Postmatch, Harris reveals his “Greed” T-shirt. His membership of the stable ends thirty seconds later as he chokeslams both of Debonair and shreds the T-shirt. Indecisive, aint he?

-Backstage, Carver and Trollslayer jump Simply Irresistable. With help from Harris, Sturgis and Williams are given the bums’ rush from the arena.

Shrapnel vs Sykopath (Hardcore Title Match)

We get an intro to the match with some Apocolyptic (and slightly overwrought) on-screen poetry. Sykopath sneaks into Shrapnels locker room and chairshots him to get things started with a bang. Spinning superkick and a drop toehold onto the chair from Sykopath, followed by an Arabian Guillotine. He grabs a mango(?) from the snack table as a weapon, (I would have chosen a really spikey pinapple, personally…) Shrapnel dropkicks him. Sykopath blocks a DDT and T-bones Shrapnel onto the table, which doesn’t break. Maybe it’s the smark in me, but Withonels chant of “Blown Spot” cracks me up… Axe Kick, Shrapnel is dumped on the table. Sykopath climbs onto a convenient ledge and puts himself through the table as he misses a 180 legdrop. Serious Ouch. Shrapnel bulldogs him and sets up the “No Mans Land”. Sykopath shows incredible agility by head scissoring Shrapnel to escape the full nelson, practically twisting himself in knots in the process. Shrapnel ducks the CITRUSY FRUIT OF ZESTY DEATH that Sykopath throws at him. Drop toeholds puts Sykopath through the remains of the table. Shrapnel finds a case of beer and beats on Sykopath with a can of Fosters. (It’s Australian for Hardcore, you know…) Back suplex from Shrapnel, who drags Sykopath to a set of doors. Sykopath kicks them back in his face and they brawl back to the arena. (Sykopath stops en route for the CULINARY WEAPONS OF DOOM from a concession stand… including an entire rottisserie chicken AND a microwave!) Shrapnel gives Sykopath the ol’ Frying Pan In The Kisser and tries to dump the microwave on him. Doubly cringe-inducing spots as Sykopath rolls away, DDT’s Shrapnel on the microwave, then adds an AngleSlam onto it for kicks. He uses the CHEESE GRATER OF BLOODY DEATH and then spikes the ball with a salt shaker. (Does this make Shrapnel a well-seasoned hardcore wrestler? *rimshot*) The ring crew has been busy, setting up tables all over the place, including a gimmicky stack three high. Sykopath doesn’t waste time, putting Shrapnel through the triple tables with a Syko-KrushR off the apron. After a brief sell, Sykopath revives to find trash cans full of weapons. I think we’re offically Over The Top as of now. Shrapnel takes some can shots before DDT-ing Skyopath onto one and going Kendo Krazy. Brutal double kendo stick shot breaks both sticks in half on Sykopaths head. Shrapnel stuffs him inside a trash can and gives him a springboard guillotine legdrop as they finally make it inside the ring. That’s when the Cell(!!!) starts to lower around them. Classic bit as they show the ref.. he’s outside the ring calling pinfalls through a megaphone. Sensible lad… Out comes tons more trash, including *shudder* barbed wire and a strait jacket.(!) Sykopath goes wild with a trash can, stopping only to wire-wrap a kendo stick. He brings in SIX tables, setting one up is immediately put through one with Shrapnels’ “No Man’s Land”. It gets 2. Matt Heath calls dibs on the Cruel Hand of Irony before I do, as Shrapnel sets up a table in the corner, then gets speared through it. Sykopath says “Aw, the Hell with it!” and sets up all four remaining tables. They fight over a German suplex, Sykopath eventually takes the table bump. Shrapnel works the arm briefly, then uses the strait jacket to choke out Sykopath. Sykopath fights back, and a Cruifix powerbomb takes out another table. Sykopath takes a moment to wrap his leg in barb wire. He hits a triple-jump moonsault legdrop on Shrapnel, elevating the insanity factor to “Attending a Slipknot Concert, High On Crack and Wearing an N’Sync T-Shirt” levels. Shrapnel ups the ante even more by writing obscene messages on Sykopaths face with his own blood(!!) as he works him over with a chair. Sykopath lowblows and sets up a superbomb, reversed into a facebuster through a table by Shrapnel. He sets up a a ladder and dives onto Sykopath… who spears him in mid-flight. They trade tired-looking chairswings until Sykopath hits the “Mental Illness”, then nails the Sykotik DDT onto the chair for the pin to retain. Unbelievably insane brawl that strove to be the ultimate in over-the-top garbage wrestling. And they nearly made it, too. ****1/4 (After a minor deduction for bringing out a roast chicken and then not using it. Still, hardly a “poultry” effort! *rimshot*)

-Outside, “Truck” Harris has a brewski and fields a phonecall from Parts Unkown.

-Also backstage, Brian Stephens interviews Boz about his upcoming match.

Hell on Earth (Blacktop & The Rebel) vs B.O.D (Boz & Ninja)

Blacktop does an Underbiker on his Harley, The Rebel does an Edge-like crowd entrance. A Fake Ninja enters, allowing the real Ninja to backjump The Rebel with a kendo stick. The Rebel decides to call “Hell On Earth” rules… read: No Rules. They still go one-on-one to start, with Ninja rolling through a crossbody to get an early one-count on The Rebel. Ninja pummels Rebel and hits the Spearhand, but gets a shot below the belt. Hot tag (called as much by the Smark-dominated crowd) to Blacktop, Clothesline From Heck. Ninja reverses a whip and takes down Blacktop, floating nicely into an Ankle Lock. Blacktop makes the ropes, Boz tags in and simply boots Blacktop in the nuts repeatedly. Crude, though effective. Ninja brings out a table, (Yes, Sykopath and Shrapnel missed a few…) Blacktop is superplexed through it. Ninja slugs it out with The Rebel, with Ninja being forcibly introduced to the ringsteps half a dozen times or so. Ninja blades. The Rebel sets up a pair of chairs next to the ring steps before Ninja recovers and ballshots him. Boz adds a chairshot for good measure, before Ninja legrops The Rebelthrough the chairs. The Rebel blades as well as B.O.D double-team away, Blacktop manages to save The Rebel from a piledriver on the floor, chokeslamming Boz onto the exposed concrete. Back inside, Blacktop gets caught by Ninjas’ spinning heel kick. Missile dropkick and Ninja splash, Boz covers for 2. They beat nine colors of hell out of Blacktop as the Rebel brings out a ladder, a table and a can of lighter fluid. Spot the set-up for the Most Contrived Bump of the night… The Rebel takes out B.O.D with a Ladder Lariat as Blacktop preps the FLAMING TABLE OF INCREASED INSURANCE PREMIUMS. All four men head up the ladder to brawl, with Boz taking Blacktops’ “Career Ender” at the same time as The Rebel hits the “Confederate Drop”. Boz takes the table bump, spiked by Blacktop who proceeds to gorilla press him out of the ring. Boz takes a stretcher ride as Hell on Earth drill Ninja with the “End Of The Road” for 3. ** Not as fluid as the the previous match, with an overly-gimmicky Stunt Bump.

-Outside, Justin Keith cuts a solid pre-match promo, after some odd by-play with interviewer Mike Phillabaum.

Goo vs “The Real Deal” Matt Wilson vs “Mafioso” Max C (North American Championship)

Max C cuts an in-ring interview, getting some cheap face pops by getting all patriotic. (Despite being from Ireland. Guesss even smark fans can mark out occasionally…) Wilson charges him blindly, Goo catches him with a bulldog. Twin elbowdrops score, Goo covers for 1. Wilson chops at both men and delivers a doible headbutt. He beats on Goo, monkey flipping him out of the corner. He dropkicks Goo, then turns and walks directly into a chokeslam from Max C. He misses a legdrop and takes a savate kick from Wilson. Goo breaks up the pinfall and Samoan Drops Wilson. DVD and fistdrop from Goo, Wilson gouges the eyes and takes down Goo, applying a combination half crab/arm bar. Max C Mafia kicks Wilson and belly-to-backs suplexes him. Face miscomunication sees Max C take a Goo Kick. Wilson superkicks Goo in return and works his neck in the corner. Max C recovers to lock a Cobra Clutch on Wilson, who mule kicks to escape. Wilson hits an Ace Crusher and knee lift for 2. Max hits a spinning lariat off a whip, Wilson small packages him for 2. wilson tries to work the leg, Goo hits a neckbreaker on him, selling his own neck injury in the process. Wilson works the neck again, Max C suddenly hits the Mafia Shot and sets up the “Offer You Can’t Refuse”. Wilson fights out, then does the 360 oversell off a clothesline. (Max is a hoss, I should add…) Max tries for the “Offer” again, Wilson manages to hook the ropes with his feet and eyegouges to escape. He hits an axe kick and heads up, missing the Air Wilson by a mile as Max rolls away. Third time lucky for Max as he nails the “Offer” and gets the pinfall and the title. *3/4 It was there…

-Postmatch, Wilson throws a tantrum and beats on Goo with a chair until Max C agrees to a rematch, anyplace, anytime. Wilson blindsides him with the chair, beats him senseless and calls for the bell. (Obviously taking Max very, VERY literaly!) And so we have;

Max C vs Matt wilson

Matt stomps the holy hell out of Max C, hits the Eclipse and pins. Nice twist, but I don’t think that one needs a rating, am I right?

-Post.. uh.. match… Damien Payne helps Max C to the back, before “Hot Shit” Rick Sturgis re-appears. The lights go out as the sound crew suddenly starts playing “Theme Music Roulette”. Eventually, Million Dollar Dragon hits the ring and beats the crap out of Goo, just to be a prick.

“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) vs Justin Keith (No Relation) (BSCW Title Match)

They hit a nice wrestling sequence from the bell, ending with Irvin flipping onto his feet from a backdrop and jawjacking Keith. They reverse a waistlock multiple times until Irvin lnads a Reverse Deacon Drop. (Squishing Keiths’ ‘nads in the process. Ow.) Sunset flip of the top gets 2 for Irvin, before Keith rolls sweetly into a slingshot that bounces Irvin off the buckle. Back-to-back Northern Lights suplexes from keith, Irvin blocks a spinbuster with a Greco-Roman Knee In The Nuts for 2. Keith evades the Deadly Plex, with a firemans’ carry into a Dragon sleeper. nice spot as Irvin tries to kick his way out, only to put himself in perfect position for a piledriver. It gets 2. They trade missed clotheslines, Irvin locks in the Cobra Clutch. (Which seems to be having a major revival at the moment…) He segues into the “One and Only” for 2. He continues the assault on Keiths gonads by crotching him on the ringpost and locking in a ringpost figure-four. He nails a top rope bulldog for 2. (Unlike Rick Steiner, not injuring Keith in the process…) Keith hits a spear and applies a surfboard. Fantasy drags Irvin to the ropes, prompting Keith to chase her. Irvin blows some sort of springboard move and they brawl on the floor. Back inside, Keith is stungunned on a blind charge. Irvin hits an odd springboard something-or-other for 2. Keith blocks the Detonation and goes up for the Blockbuster Surprise. And Misses. (Surprise!!) Irvin snaps off a Northern Lights and senton legdrop for 2. Irvin heads up and wipes himself out as he misses the Detonation. They switch between attempted moves until Irvin takes “Keith’s Deadly Surprise” for 2 and a half. Irvin slips out of the “Lost Marbles”, hits a release Northern Lights and finally lands the Detonation. He goes back up instead of covering, allowing Keith to get some revenge for his brusied testicles by crotching Irvin on the top buckle. They brawl on the top rop, Keith manages to hit the “Deadly Surprise” off the top to win his 3rdBSCW title. *** No gimmicky bumps, no run-ins, just good, solid wrestling. (Even if Irvin, in my opinion one of the best lightweight wrestlers active today, did seem to rely too heavily on the Northern Lights suplex.)

-Postmatch, Irvin calls in the troops and Greed hits the ring to punk out Keith. “Truck” Harris and The Q’s make the save, leading to a brief six-man brawl. Keith has the last word, putting Tyson Bryson through a sheet of glass as we go off air.

The Bottom Line: Blood, Sweat and Chairs Lives! Despite the backstage problems they’ve suffered from, the company came through in a big way with an immaculately presented Pay-Per-View. A few average matches here and there, but overall this was probably their best effort yet, and here’s hoping for many more like it…

Highly Recommended

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s Survival Of The Fittest!

Several weeks back, I ordered the “Survival of the Fittest PPV put on by Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling…. Due to major computer woes, I now finally get around to reviewing the thing… so here we go!

-We were LIVE from the Ranch Bowl, in Omaha, Nebraska. Your hosts are Bill Withonel and Matt Heath. They run down the matches and show us the brackets for the “Survival of the Fittest” tournament. The winner gets a title shot in tonights Triple Threat main event.

Grinnin vs. “Cold Blooded” Johnny Spades

Grinnin cheapshots Spades before the bell, but he’s the face, so the fans love it. Nasty spot right off the bat as Grinnin hits a reverse DDT, snapping Spades neck across the top rope. Okay, Ouch! They brawl on the floor and in the ring before Spades hits a powerslam. T-bone and DDT for 2. Grinnin plays Nasty Face, thumbing Spades in the eye and hitting a gut-wrench powerbomb. Elbowdrop for 1. Back-to-back ballshots from Spades and a pedigree, no cover. Grinnin responds by hitting the third lowblow in a minute. Just for fun, let’s keep a count on the lowblows, shall we? They fight over a backslide, Spades gets a 2-count. He holds the backslide position, rising to hit “The Sure Shot” for the pin. *3/4 Lots of action packed into a very brief match.

-Backstage, Tre Roselli attacks The Rebel with Big Poppa Pipe.

Survival of the Fittest Semi-finals

“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) & Grinnin vs. Goo

Grinnin and Irvin double clothesline Goo as soon as he enters, probably angered by his choice of ring attire. (His tights depict his opponents making whoopee… classy!) Irvin jacks Goos jaw and rolls out. Grinnin tries a powerbomb, only to recieve a record-equalling 3rd lowblow in one night. Goo hits a Samoan drop and bulldog. Goo Kick gets 2. Grinnin misses a Clothesline from Heck, Goo pins him with a bridging Blizzard suplex. Jeez, who did Grinnin piss off in the locker room to job twice in five minutes? Irvin hits a sweet springboard dropkick and dragon screws Goo. He knocks him to the floor, then takes a sick bump as his plancha is turned into a stomach breaker by Goo. Goo then makes all other bumps tonight look tame as he spinebusts Irvin, bouncing the poor guys skull of the ringpost inadvertantly. Goo and Fantasy stall while the ref checks that Irvin is still, y’know, breathing. Eventually, Irvin rises to hit a Tomikazie on Goo. Inside the ring, an elbowdrop gets 2. Implant DDT is reversed into a release Northern Lights by Goo. Irvin absoulutely no-sells it, bouncing up and hitting the Backlash for 2. Goo hits a DVD off a blind charge and lands a top rope splash for 2. Irvin rolls a Northern lights into a small package for 2. He hits a deacons drop off a criss-cross and heads topside. “DDI” off the top hits nothing but mat, Goo dropkicks Irvin in the face. Goo nails “The Plunge” for the pin to advance. **3/4 Good, solid wrestling from Goo and Irvin.

-Backstage, Tre Roselli continues taking out potential Hardcore tournament opponents, bopping Sykopath with his pipe.

-Also backstage, Seth Harker gets all mystical on us. Someone remind him he was stinking up arenas in IEW a few months back.

Million Dollar Dragon & “Bump” Taylor James (w/Erin) vs “The Darksider” Seth Harker

Million Dollar Dragon plays cocky heel, insisting he starts the match. Harker misses a clothesline and gets atomic dropped. MDD hits a spinning heel kick and tries a quick cover . It gets 1. Harker hits a stiff back elbow off a whip. Leaping side kick sends Dragon to the apron. He rakes the eyes and stunguns Harker on the buckle. Back inside, Dragon tries a powerbomb, but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KID.. HARKER! Sunset flip powerbonb gets 2 for Harker. Dragon hits lowblow #5 for the night and DDT’s him. Two swinging neckbreakers follow. Dragon pounds Harker all over the ring, setting up for the Million Dollar Blast. Harker hooks the top rope to block and hits a nice release Northern Lights. Harkers’ Nightbringer moonsault gets the pin to eliminate Dragon. James comes in quickly, overpowering the smaller man. Roundhouse kick and snap elbow for 2. Harker tries some wrestling, floating into a surfboard. James makes the ropes, but walks into a snap suplex for 2. Debonair run-in as James and Harker reverse whips to the ropes. James tries the Bump Slam, Harker lands on his feet. Standing drop-kick nails James. Harker to the ropes, where Debonair chairshot him. He stumbles into the Bump Slam and takes the “Wrestling Thy Name Is Bump” to finsh the match. James advances. ** Like two cruiserweight mini-matches, with some good spots. Abbrieviated by the run-in, which was logical at least.

-Backstage, Max Caschera locks his injured brother Vincent in the locker room mere minutes before their tag title match. Ballsy!

Max Caschera vs. The Q’s (Handicap Tag Title Match)

Debonair arrive to do commentary as Matt C. hits a double chokeslam on the tag champs. (Overconfidence is a killer!) Double clothesline, Quincy bails. Quinn takes a spinning lariat, Max chokes him. DDT for 2 before Quincy makes the save with a springboard splash. He superkicks Max C and distracts the ref as Quinn chokes out Max with the tape from his wrists. Classic heel tactics right there! Max suddenly uses an amateur-style takedown and locks in the “Bella Facia”. Quincy has to break up the hold, this time with a springboard legdrop. The Q’s double-team with a nice catapult into a superkick combination for 2. Max abruptly no-sells the move, hitting a “Grande Capo for 2 on Quinn. He applies and arm wrench and dumps Quinn face-first. Quinn comes to life and locks in an Alaskan Crab. (A Frozen Crustacean if I’ve ever seen one…) He converts it to a half-crab, then a step-over to crossface. Max finally makes the ropes. Quincy is tagged in, quickly hitting a guillotine legdop for 2 as Max plays Paddy Morton. Albeit briefly as nutshot #6 turns the tide. Quincy squirms out of a chokeslam and dropkicks Max out to the floor. More classic heel schticks as Quincy yaks to the ref whil Quinn removes a turnbuckle pad. He facebusts Max onto the steel. Max blades. Multiple shots to the buckle follow, Quinn tags back in. The Q’s hits a Missile dropkick/Frog-splash combo to retain. ** More solid action, slightly predictable, but there.

-Backstage, Tre Roselli interupts Hiroshi Masatos’ snack time with a pipe shot.

“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) vs. Leo (Cruiserweight Title Match)

A nice sequence to start, with Irvin flipping out of a belly-to-back suplex and hitting a reverse DDT as he does so. Leo pops back up, hitting a spin-kick and sitdown facebuster for 1. Criss-cross, Leo hits a head-scissors takedown and backflip kick to send Irvin to the corner. He pummels Irvin from the seconds turnbuckle, so Irvin delivers a sitdown spinebuster. He drags Leo into the buckle ‘nads first and applies the Ringpost Figure-four. Irvin works the leg, remembering to sell the bumps he took in his earlier match with Goo. Dragon Screw gets 2. Leo tries a roll-up, getting a one-count. In a spot both cute in it’s booking and ugly as hell in it’s execution, they attempt simultaneous dropkicks, scoring two air-balls. Irvin blocks a monkey-flip and hits a nice sunset off the top for 2. Leo rolls out of it and superkicks Irvin. Springboard elbow and frog splash for 2. They reverse each others moves half a dozen times before Leo hits a Deadly Plex on Irvin. He heads up top, but gets crotched (Shot #8 to the collective testies of the BSCW tonight!) Irvin hits a Tomikaze off the top, Leo gets a foot on the ropes to prevent a cover. He misses a corkscrew elbowdrop, Leo locks in a sleeper. He turns it into a sleeper slam hooking the tights on the cover. It gets 2. Irvin works the arm but gets dumped to the floor. Leo ups the tempo with a Capricorn Press Handspring plancha, which Irvin meets with a standing drop-kick on the way down. Does this garner the “Holy Shit” chant? You betcha! Double KO until Fantasy dumps water on both men. They return to the ring, Irvin baseball slides through Leos legs and sets for the One and Only. Leo mule kicks (#9!) and hits a Falling Star Driver for 2. He nails Irvin with the Down Under Driver (G’day, mate!) and heads upstairs. Springboard moonsault hits, a second from the middle buckle misses. Blind charge, Irvin drops a shoulder and dumps Leo crotch-first onto the buckle. (We’re in double figures on the groinal abuse spots!) Irvin uses a Reverse Detonation and crawls over for the pin to retain. ***1/4 Good, clean cruiserweight action that played to the strengths of both men. They shake hands post-match to good response from the crowd.

Million Dollar Dragon vs. Goo (Hockey Death Match, BSCW Canadian Championship)

Here’s the concept. A plexiglass enclousre surrounds the ring, which is filled with Hockey-Themed weapons. I’m wondering if we’ll go to sudden death overtime if we reach the time limit… Million Dollar Dragon tries to jump-start proceedings with some high-sticking, but takes a Flatliner instead. Goo pounds him, hitting a brutal spinebuster onto the framework of a goal. Goo checks the Dragon against the boards, but gets caught and powerslammed onto a goalies mask. Powerbomb is reversed into a DDT by Goo. He entagles the Dragon in a net and tosses him around. Million Dollar Fistdrop scores on Million Dollar Dragon (Oh, the irony!) for 2. Double underhook is countered with nutshot #11, Goo takes a piledriver onto a commemorative bust of Ray Borque. (A sure nominee for this years “Keithy” for Most Innovative International Object.) Dragon uses a hockey stick to assist in a Rocker Dropper, but is sent to the boards attempting a Halifax Bulldog. Side slam, Goo takes the chance to blade Dragon. On camera. (That should be a two-minute penalty right there…) He hits the Plunge, climbs the convenient footholds in the cage and lands the Goo Drop for the win. *1/4 A big tossed spot salad with spot dressing on the side.

Survival of the Fittest Tournament Final: Goo vs. “Bump” Taylor James

For a fat bastard, Goo is spreading himself thin tonight. They both place face, shaking hands prior to the bell. After the bell, the fists are a-flying, of course. James wins the slugfest, delivering a Bionic elbow and some BILOXI VIOLENCE in the corner. Bareback out of the corner, we hit the chinlock. (Hey, James, it was GOO who just had the match, ya lazy bastard!) Goo makes the ropes, James tries to re-apply the hold and takes a nasty Hammerlock back suplex. We get the entrhalling sleeper reversal sequence. Innovative ending to the sequence as James climbs the ropes while maintaining the sleeper and hits a hanging neckbreaker for 2. Side slam into a Boston Crab from James, Goo manages to make the ropes. James runs into a Goo Kick for 2. ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF NAGGING DISCOMFORT applied by Goo. Reverse headbutt frees James, who delivers a Bump Slam that catapults Goo off the top rope. Divine Wind headbutt off the top misses. Goo gives him the Goo Train and catches him on the rebound with the Dragon Sleeper. Bump taps out, Goo is YOUR Survival of the Fittest Champion. *1/2 This was just there… the fatigue factor is starting to show.

-Backstage, Taurus and Leo cut a final promo and it’s Main Event time…

BSCW World Heavyweight Championship Match: Taurus vs. Blacktop vs. Goo

Blackytop does his patented “Underbiker” rip-off entrance, Taurus appears to be doing Yokozuna. His pre-match ritual blessing of the ring is interrupted by a clothesline from Blacktop, however. He belly-to-back suplexes the champ and chokes him. Goo schoolboys Blacktop for 1, but runs into a big boot. Blacktop tries to chokeslam Goo, Taurus chop-blocks him and hits a series of Dragon clotheslines on Goo. Blacktop pops up and headbutts Taurus, then DDT’s Goo for 1. Taurus saves, but runs into a chokeslam. Goo locks the Dragon Sleeper in on Blacktop, Taurus breaks it up. He stomps a mudhole in Goo, Blacktop proceeds to walk it dry. Taurus continues to clothesline everything that moves, nailing Blacktop again. He then T-bones him right onto Goo. Double cover gets 1. Blacktop and Goo team to hit a spiked powerbomb on the champ. A Goo Kick prevents Blacktop getting a pin on Taurus. The kick gets 2 for Goo. Sick move as Goo drop toeholds Blacktop, leading to his skull bouncing off Taurus’s cranium. Taurus powers out of a Rude Awakening and tosses THE CEREMONIAL SALT OF AGONY into Goos’ eyes. Back body drop and knee drop for 2. Blacktop breaks the cover. Implant spinebuster, headbutt, Snake Eyes and Blacktop goes for the chokeslam. Taurus punts him in the face and applies a rolling crucifix armbar. Goo drags him off with El Chinlocko Reverso, then heads South of the Border to make an even dozen of lowblows tonight. Oozing Machismo gets 2, Blacktop breaks it up. He powerslams Goo. Backbreaker stretch, Taurus wipes him out with a low dropkick . Revese Fujiwara armbar is applied as Goo heads to the high rent district. He drops a risky-as-heck Goo Drop on both opponents, then a Rude Awakening on Taurus. Splash gets 2, Blacktop stops the count with a well-placed boot. Side slam and legdrop flattens Goo, Blacktop turns his attention to Taurus. He nails the Career Ender, Goo breaks the pin at 2. He sends Blacktop to the apron and hits the FLYING FATASS SUICIDE DDT. He rolls him back in and charges in for The Plunge. Taurus interferes, hanging Goo in the Tree of Woe and bouncing Blacktop off his head in the 2nd nastiest spot of the night. Taurus lands the Gaijin Death Drop on Goo, covers and retains his title. He shakes hands with Blacktop and with a final respectful glance at Goo, we’re out of there. **1/2 Remarkably fast-paced matchup was good, but nothing earth-shattering.

The Bottom Line: The format really made for too many wrestlers having too many matches. (As Tre Rosellis’ backstage skits showed, there was plenty of talent doing a whole lot of nothing backstage.) As always though, the BSCW put on some good, well-booked matches. Not quite on a par with their last few, but still well worth the price of a rental.

Recommended.

The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for BSCW Detonation 2001

Okay, so I was going to review WTFL Wrestlemania II… but I picked up the wrong tape from Xenomorphs collection. So, here’s an unexpected review of Blood, Sweat and Chairs, “DETONATION 2001″!

-We are LIVE from The Joint in Lost Wages, Nevada! Hot opening, as Philliple LaFleur gives a rendition of “Viva Las Vegas” to pep up the crowd. Commentator Bill Withonel is somewhat underwhelmed, although Matt Heath seemed to enjoy it. They do their usual good job of bringing us up to speed on all the match-ups. The card sounds good… so let’s get right to it! Oh, wait, my mistake, let’s go backstage first!

-Backstage, Ronanan Alexander interviews Matt O’Riordan about his upcoming match.

Matt O’Riordan vs. Lt. Buzzcut

Lt. Buzzcut? Wasn’t he a G.I Joe figure? Anyway, he’s got a 129-pound weight advantage on the sub-200 pound O’Riordan. Sensibly, O’Riordan blindsides him before the bell, drop-kicking him off the apron to the guardrail. Matt deliers a clothesline on the floor, and rolls the loot back in. Matt shows he studies the classics by hitting a bell-ringer (the old-school “Set him up in the piledriver position and then just jump” move) and goes to an armbar. Smooth transition to an anklelock, Buzzcut makes the ropes. Matt continues the fast offense, but is caught and slammed hard off the top, landing on his face. Buzzcut goes to the Iron Claw.(!) Matt fights out with an ugly-looking head-scissors takedown. Phillipe LaFleurs’ compaion “Pepe” arrives at ringside, joining the French announcers table briefly. O’Riordan hits a football tackle to take down Buzzcut and works the leg. He attempts a figure-four, but Buzzcut powers out. Matt charges blind and runs into a sleeper drop. Short-arm clothesline, and Matt takes a Military Bomb to the floor for the count-out loss.

3/4* Not much to speak of for an opener, although it had potential.

-Backstage, Andrew Samspon recieves an urgent message.

Mr M.A.K (w/Jack Daniels, Mark “Da Man” Mathers, Vehicular Homicidal Mutilator, and Ms. Longsmuttname) vs. The Rebel (w/Blacktop and Bunn) (No DQ)

There’s so many people at ringside it looks like a Battle Royal… MAK and Rebel brawl from the get-go, with MAK hitting a “Painful Experience”. (The most honestly-named move in sports entertainment?) More brawling, Rebel blocks a “Dark Dragon” and ducks a clothesline, hitting a hangmans neckbreaker instead. A well-executed dropkick and short-arm clothesline score for the Rebel. He misses a discus punch, MAK hits a bridging belly-to-back suplex for 2. MAK locks in the Dark Dragon, which involves repeated headbutts to the back of the Rebels cranium. Ouch. Bill gains my admiration by bagging both George W. Bush and Hulk Hogan in successive sentences! The Rebel makes the ropes, but MAK won’t break. So Rebel simply falls backwards onto him! He pummels MAK, but hits a kneelift to the turnbuckle on a blind charge. MAK goes up and hits the Violent Decapitator. He rolls out for the chair, and we have an impromptu Lumberjack match as Four Q brawls with Blacktop. MAK tries for a Violent M-Anator, but FINALLY someone does what I’ve been saying for years… The Rebel ducks and nails MAK with his own chair! Confederate Drop on the chair gets the win for The Rebel.

** Short, but not bad. Good ending, too.

-Backstage, Matt O’Riordan tries to recoup from his loss by chatting up J.C Swingers’ valet, Tina. Swinger is less than pleased. Well, it beats the hell out of a hot cup of coffee for a feud-starter…

“Barely Of Age” Brendan Deegan vs. Vic “Tim Dogg” Simmons (w/ Scroddy Johnson and The Nubian Nightmare) (Hardcore Title Match)

Vic and co. bring shopping carts full of garbage to ringside. Vic sports a tennis racket (Jim Cornette’s booking?) studded with glass. Deegan meets him on the floor and hits a ballshot 5 seconds in. Implant spinebuster into a shopping trolley sends garbage flying everywhere. Nice visual. Deegan punts Vic around like a football briefly. Vic finds a silverware set (Now there’s some originality!) and blades Brendan on the arm with it. He tosses Deegan back in and brings some garbage in for laughs. Deegan is whipped to the ropes and tries for a garbage can shot, but Deegan hits a spear instead. Nubian Nightmare hits Deegan with a reverse DDT from behind. Deegan lands on the garbage can. He no-sells it, spearing both Vic and NN. He side-slams Nightmare onto a tray, who bails. Vic hits ballshot #2 and an Ace Crusher. He drops an elbowdrop while holding a baseball bat, then uses the same weapon to apply a nasty-looking hammerlock. Deegan powers out, and Vic takes the Flair Flip into the Tree of Woe. Deegan retrieves the garbage can and baseball slides it into Vics face. Nice spot! Whip is reversed by Vic, dropping Deegan. Nightmare and Scroddy proceed to upend an entire cartfull of garbage on him. A toaster over biffs him in the head in a painful moment. Vic adds injury to injury by dropping the cart on him as well. In the moment of supreme insanity, he lays the cart on Deegan and splashes him from the top rope. Both men are down, but the ref counts the pinfall, as Vics foot is on Deegans chest. Timby retains.

**2/3 Garbage wrestling it may be, but it was GOOD garbage wrestling. Vic even sells the bump all the way back up the aisle.

Goo vs. J.C Swinger (w/Tina) (Canadian Championship Match)

Goo is from North Dakota, Swinger is from California. So much for the Canadian thing. Maybe the belt’s from Canada? Goo tries to shake hands, and gets suckerpunched instead. Schmuck. Clothesline, Swinger stomps a few mudholes in Goos’ gut. He ducks a clothesline, and hits a Dsty Elbow. Octopus stretch is applied, Swinger falls back on him for 1. Swinger hits a DDT and works the neck as Bill Withonel loses the plot briefly. Snap suplex by Swinger. he goes to a camel clutch, then releases it as Tina goes to the apron with JC’s kendo stick. JC distracts the ref, but ina misses Goo. He pushes her to the floor, knocking her silly on the ring apron en route. Swinger heads out to check on her. Goo tries some sort of DDT and gets dumped to the floor. Odd-looking belly-to-belly suplex by Swinger. Goo reverses a whip to the steps and rolls inside. He takes a breather… then hits a Space Flying Tiger Drop to the floor. Just when I was giving up on this match, too! Back inside, Swinger hits the superkick and attempts the Beverly Hills Number Cruncher. Goo groingshots him and hits the Goo Train (No, that ain’t a misprint…). Death Plunge scores the upset win for Goo.

* Well, they can’t all be classics. Goo and Swinger just didn’t seem to gell in this one… (Goo? Gell? Did I just make a bad pun?)

-Earlier tonight, Mike Phillabaum interviews Zodiac. (Despite getting beaten to a bloody pulp in the process)

Significant Brothers (Brian Deegan and John O’Riordan) vs Gemini (No Interferance Tag Team Title Match)

Both teams shake hands, signifying a dual-face match. Gemini II charges O’Riordan early, hitting a shoulderblock. (Matt calls it “man-sized!”. Quit stealing my stuff, Heath!) O’Riordan ducks a clothesline on the rebound and hits a spinning DDT for not-even-one. Deegan tags in, but runs into a crisp belly-to-back suplex. Gemini II drags Deegan away from O’Riordan and tags Gemini I in. Double brainbuster nails Deegan. O’Riordan is in quickly to clothesline a Gemini to the floor. Deegan hits a standing blockbuster for nearly-2 on Gemini I. Deegan goes to the headlock, hitting an innovativly indescribable rana on Gemini. Memphis Outlaw tries a limp-in, but the co-commisioners Trollslayer and Carver meet him midway to enforce the no-run in stip. Trollslayer hits a Soul Stealer, and Outlaw ends up in a dumpster. Back in the ring, Gemini I reverses a Northern lights into a Falcons Arrow for 2.5. Deegan takes the chest-first whip into the buckle. Gemini literaly walks over him on his way to tag Gemini II back in. They double team Deegan, before Gemini II (or possibly I) whips Deegan to the ropes. Deegan tags blind before he’s back-dropped. O’Riordan hits a big missile drop-kick on the unsuspecting Gemini. The other Gemini hits the ring, but Deegan tosses him with the Significant Suicide. Gemini I is hit with a beautiful sligshot/flying clothesline combination by the Significant Brothers. The ref ushers out Deegan as O’Riordan covers. Finally, the ref counts, but Gemini I gets a foot to the ropes at 2. O’Riordan hits a Phoenix Splash, but misses a Johnton Bomb. Gemini I tags out, then hits the Scales Of Libra on O’Riordan. Deegan tries unsucessfully to make the save, as Gemini II pins to retain.

**3/4 Another solid outing, and the fourth clean finish in a row!

-Postmatch, the teams shake hands again. Carver and Trollslayer announce they are stepping down as Co-Commisioners. The replacement? Phillipe LaFleur, naturally. He announces less gimmick matches, more wrestling. Maybe LaFleur should have helmed WCW near the end…

Andrew Sampson (w/Lila) vs. Max C. (U.S Championship Match)

Lt. Buzzcut attacks Max on his way to the ring. He’s saved by “Vincent”. Hopefully not the nWo stoge, though… Max is from Ireland, but Sampson arrives to U2. Oh, the irony. Lila and Andrew appear to be upset after their “message” backstage. Andrew is so distracted he walks into a clothesline. Max spears him through the ropes. Back inside right away, sampson applies an anklelock. “Vincent” walks to ringside as Heath begs for a card without a run-in. Okay, I forgive him for using my lines if we’re in agreement on endless run-ins. Max C. makes the ropes. Sampson makes a half-hearted charge into a spinning clothesline. Spear into “La Rabbia” by Max C. Andrew doesn’t kick out, and we have a new champion.

DUD for the match. The priority was obviously storyline first, match second in this one.

-Postmatch, Andrew and Lila leave for a flight. They exchange dialogue that subtley informs us that Andrews father is dying. Nice to have a storyline and not get beaten over the head with it for once.

X-Kalibur vs. Joker vs. Leo (Triple Threat Iron Man Match for the Cruiserweight title)

Big Vegas-style entry for Leo, the reiging champion. Explosive start as X-Kalibur runs into a spinebuster as he attempts a clothesline on Joker. Leo breaks up Jokers cover and gets ballshotted. Pumphandle slam by Joker. “The Assasin” Ken Ness runs-in, chokeslamming Leo and hitting “The Final Cut” on Joker. Rent-a-cops arrive to cuff and eject both Ness and X-Kalibur. Joker and Leo both score DQ falls as a result. We’re now down to a straight one-on-one match. (So much for creating history with the first triple threat Iron Man match!) Leo finally recovers enough to hit a snap leg drop. He scores the pinfall. 2-1 to Leo. He tries to continue the pressure with a snap suplex, but Joker flips elegantly out and hits a superkick. Spinning heel kick follows. Joker uses the ropes for leverage and scores a pinfall. 2-2. Joker maintains the advantage by using a humourous squirting flower. Russian legsweep gets 2. Leo ducks a clothesline and hits a springboard back elbow. Leo misses a frog splash, allowing Joker to get a fall off a rolling senton leg drop. 3-2 to Joker at the 15-minute mark.

Joker slows things down with a step-over to crossface. Leo tries to get to the ropes. Joker breaks, dragging Leo into the center. He tries to re-apply the hold, mule kick from Leo. Rolling senton from Leo misses, but he somehow hits a spinning sidekick instead. Leo heads up to hit an eye-poping moonsault elbowdrop for 3. 3-3 after 28 minutes. (Yes, 28 minutes. Either my watch is slow, or there was some subtle clippage going on.)

Joker tries to pummel Leo to the corner, but takes a sidewalk slam.Leo jumps to the top and misses an asai moonsault.Leo sends him back to the corner, but is backdropped to the apron by Leo. Joker stunguns Leo and hits a springboard legdrop for the pinfall. 4-3 to Joker at 37 minutes. (Yup, as I thought, there’s a while lotta clippin’ going on!) We go to a figure four from Joker, reversed into a Texas Cloverleaf. Joker taps out at 47 minutes to lock it up again. I have it at 4-all, but the announcers say otherwise, indicating a fall was lost by the editor. With ten to go, Joker smashes the timekeeprs table with a cross-body plancha that missed. Leo hits a Falling Star Driver in the ring. His pinfall locks the scores up.

Joker hits a drop-toehold and an innovative tilt-a-whirl tombstone for 2. Joker heads up for a missile drop-kick. Leo meets him on the way down with a drop-kick of his own. Asai moonsault off the bottom rope by Leo. He ups the ante with a moonsault from the middle rope, then one from the top for 3 with 2 seconds left to retain.

***1/4 Good cruiserweight action. The editing probably took out a lot of rest-holds, and I’m all for that. The “Triple Threat” idea could have worked, but I guess we’ll never know for sure.

-Backstage, Taurus prepares for his World Tilte challenge, cutting a good promo in the bargain.

World Title Match (2 out of 3 falls): Taurus (w/Leo and Gemini) vs. Justin Keith

Phillipe LeFleur announces the stipulations. Fall one is a strap match. I hate strap matches. Justin strikes first, slapping Taurus with the strap. Taurus responds with a takedown and beats on him. He loops the strap around Keiths throat and beils him around the ring. Taurus reaches two turnbuckles before Keith hits the Viciousness. He makes one buckle before Taurus hits him with a release German suplex, rolling into a Fujiwara armbar. Keith rakes the eyes to escape and chokes him with the strap. Falling neckbreaker, than a snap suplex with the strap wrapped around Taurus’ neck. Nasty. Taurus blocks another suplex, and drops Keith stomach-first on the top rope. Elbow to the head sends Keith down. He tries for the buckles, but Keith yanks the strap tight, crotching Taurus. Pedigree drops Taurus, Keith touches all four buckles to win the first fall.

The second fall is a Finisher Only match. Taurus is still woozy from the Pedigree, so Keith hits a flying clothesline. He misses an elbowdrop, and gets a Dragon clothesline on a blind charge. A second sends Keith to the floor. Taurus heads out and superkicks Keith, who falls onto the guardrail. A gusher of a nosebleed results. (Possibly a legit broken nose for Keith?) Side russian legsweep into the guardrail by Taurus. he attempts a high kneelift, crotching himself on the rail as a result. Keith chairshots him cold. Two more chairshots knock Taurus into the fans. Keith moves in, and gets T-boned into the expensive seats. Taurus treats the crowd as his own private mosh pit, crowd-surfing into a double axe-handle on Taurus. Wild! Rocker dropper on the floor, Taurus blades. Keith goes for The Blockbuster Surprise. taurus catches him and hits a “Kryptonite Krunch” on the floor as Matt goes all J.R on us. They lie around for a bit, then brawl back to the ring, with Taurus working Keiths’ arm. He suplexes Keith into the corner of the apron in a nasty spot, then locks in the Horns of Taurus for the submission.

In the final fall, Death Match rules apply. They lock-up and go to a headlock sequence. Taurus hits a Blue Thunder powerbomb out of nowhere, then a savate kick to the throat. Blind charge hits the buckle. Keith strikes with the Lost Marbles. Double KO. Keith makes it to the top. Frog splash lands on Taurus’ raised boot. Taurus gets old-school with a heart punch. He goes to the well once too often, Keith catches the fist and headbutts him. Keith kicks him between the uprights and hits the Hell Driver. He rolls out, retrieving a window (complete with frame) from beneath the ring. (He usually carries a sheet of glass, apparently… Heath calls it an “upgrade”…) He lay the glass in the ring and goes up. Is that Irony I smell approaching? Taurus crotches him on the top buckle and hits a mammoth belly-to-belly onto the window frame. The ref counts, Taurus is up by 7. Keith stays down for the count, and Taurus takes the title. Zodiac hits the ring to congratulate the overcome Taurus, and we’re out.

***3/4 Very solidly booked main event with no run-ins! Actually, as I look back… EVERY MATCH had a clean finish! What are the odds? The match allowed both men to play to their strengths… too bad about the strap match (But, hey… that’s just my bias, perhaps. At least they didn’t “Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal!”)

The Bottom Line: Another very good outing from BSCW, with excellent matches practically from start to finish! Great stuff!

Highly recommended

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s “Bloodfest ‘01″

Hi guys, “Not” Keith here again with another Retro Rant. Recently, Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling surprised this jaded reporter with a tremendous Pay-Per-View in the “Shane Delany Tournament 2001″. To find out if this was their usual standard or just good luck, I headed down to the Video-Vault to track down their previous show. Enough set-up, let’s get into BSCW’s “Bloodfest ‘01″!

-We are LIVE (at the time) from Pawtucket, Rhode Island. Our commentators are Matt Heath and Bill Withonel. They run things down for us. A “Bongo-Drum-On-A-Pole” match sounds… interesting… That’s Rhode Island for you, I guess.

Opening Match: Citizen-X vs. Andrew Sampson (w/Lila)

Citizen-X faces a pink slip if he loses this one. Not suprisingly, he tries to jumpstart proceedings. Sampson blocks a kneelift and hits a spinebuster. Anklelock, X makes the ropes. From the lockup, Sampson delivers with some educated knees. Underhook suplex. Sampson rolls into an underhook brainbuster, then an underhook Backbreaker. He hooks in the Divine Retribution (still a VERY cool name for a submission move) and it’s over.

* It was a squash, but Sampson showed a ton of potential early in his BSCW career.

-Justin Possible hits the ring. He runs down Citizen-X, cutting a killer heel promo and challenges him to one final match in BCSCW. Citizen-X accepts and we have;

Citizen X vs Justin “Possible” Keith (No relation)

Slugfest start is won by Justin. He spears X out of his boots. Headlock and some kicks to the noggin send X reeling. Two northern lights suplexes and a spinbuster follow. Geez, who did X tick off in the locker room? Justin Pedigrees X for the 3. He’s not finished, however, setting up two chairs. He hits a “Screw Driver” on the chairs. Is he done? Hell, no! Justin proceeds to set up a pane of glass across the backs of the chairs. X takes Da Blockbuster Surprise through the glass and this massacre is finally over.

**3/4 Squash part two, but I guess if you’re on your way out of the federation, you may as well go out in a big way!

-The night goes from bad to worse for X as Co-commisioner Hannibal Carver arrives. (w/branding iron) X gets a permanent reminder of his time in BSCW.

Da Old Timerz (S.D Jonez and “El Loco” Jose La Parka) vs. Significant Brothers (“Bad Religion” John O’Riordan and “The xtreme Icon” Brian Deegan) (Bongo Drum On a Pole Match)

S.D Jonez? Better get a stopwatch ready… La Parka starts with Deegan. Headlock to Standing Blockbuster. Parka blades 8 seconds into the match. Yowza. Tag to O’Riordan. S.D runs into a spinning DDT. Deegansault scores on La Parka. Jonez is tossed, O’Riordan hits the Sacrifice Underhook Bomb. He tags Deegan in. Parka is double suplexed to the floor. Jonez, a true sucker for punishment hits the ring and gets stereo crotchshots. The Significance wipes him out. O’Riordan retrieves the bongos and gives quick performance before busting open Jonez with it.

* The Squash trilogy is complete. Let’s move on.

“T-Dawg” Timby (w/Anna-Marie) vs. Mr M.A.K (W/ Ms. Beastiality) (Hardcore Title Match)

M.A.K jumpstarts the match with a clothesline from acroos the ring. Big brawl, Timby bails. MAK (Enough with the periods, already) takes flight, but he’s caught mid-plancha and powerslammed to the mat. Cover gets half. Greco-Roman boot-in-the-balls turns it around for MAK. He DDTs Timby on the ramp and sets up a table. Anna-Maria makes the save, pulling the table away before MAK can hit the M-Cutta. Spinebuster from Timby. He finds barbed wire and wraps the table with it. This takes a while, allowing MAK to recover. Reverse DDT from MAK, who then chases Anna-Maria. Ms Bestiality blocks her path and applies a “Mr Beaver” Glove-puppet Claw. MAK steals Annas’ “Leather Bag Full of Thumbtacks” (The ULTIMATE fashion acessory for valets this season) and pours thumbtacks on the wire-wrapped table. Smell the highspot! Timby has bladed bigtime (Off a reverse DDT? That’s pushing it.) MAK hits yet another DDT. (An Ultimo DDT, just to keep things fresh) M-cutta attempt is reversed into an ugly neckbreaker. Timby goes for a chair. Placing it on MAKs face, he hits a top rope elbow. MAK bleeds the hardway, possibly even suffering a broken nose in the process. They tease a tablespot, MAK gives Timby a stungun to escape. Van MAK-anator scores. (When will they learn? If someone throws you a chair, HIT THEM with it!) MAK ups the ante by setting the table alight. He climbs the ropes, and gets crotched. Timby hits a Norse Power Chokeslam through the TABLE OF DOOM for the easy three-count.

*1/4 Not much to see here. The whole match was simply a set-up for the flaming table bump.

Matt Maelstrom/X-Kalibur vs Hellz Angelz (Tag Team Title match)

Big face pop for Hellz Angelz as they enter. The challengers attack before the bell, send Armageddon to the floor. Maelstrom and X-Kalibur double-team Doomsday, including a nice spiked Tumbleweed legdrop. X-Kalibur goes airborne to nail Armageddon as Matt tries for a submission in the ring. Doomsday makes the ropes. Maelstrom drives Doomsday into the corner and pummels him. Tornado DDT. Mack (Not M.A.K) runs in as Doomsday is set up for a Suicide Sonata. He belts X-Kalibur with a pipe to draw a cheap DQ.

DUD The whole match had a rushed feel to it. Lame ending, too…

-Postmatch, The Angelz and Mack destroy Maelstrom and X-Kalibur.

Jabroni Mahoney/Senor Jabronie vs Teacher and Clown (Ultimate Jobber Championship Match)

Four-way trainwreck in the middle signals the start of the comedy match. Mr Jobcore (Teacher) and Senor brawl in their own.. unique way. Jobcore atomic drops Senor, hurting his own knee in the process. Tag to Jabronie. He hurts his back on a suplex attempt. Jobcore tags in Slade. Slade dances. And makes balloon animals. (Or at least, balloon Modern Art) Mahoney puts on a sleeper. Slade uses an oversized clown shoe to escape. Warm-ish tag to Jobcore. He falls over. Mahoney helps him up, Jobcore lowblows him. Figure-four leglock, Snor runs in, but trips on the balloon animal. Mahoney submits, Jobcore wins the belt.

3/4* For the balloon animals, 1/4* bonus for Bills’ assesment of the match (“That sucked a llamas’ ass”… nice turn of phrase, Bill!)

Matt Maelstrom vs Vic “Tim Dogg” Simmons (Intercontinental Title Match)

Matt is pulling double duty tonight, after his tag maytch. He’s no-selling the beatdown he recieved from the Angelz. Vic arrives with an entourage, and a DJ. We waste a ton of time with a rap and dance sequence. finally, we’re underway. Punching and kicking dominate the early going. Vics’ attempted chop-block earns a knee to the head. Matt locks in an STF. Vic rakes his eyes repeatedly, then bites his hands to make him release the hold. Facebuster and Tumbleweed legdrop gets 2 for Matt. He applies a chickenwing, Vic drags him out through the ropes. We go to a chair-fest on the outside. Scroddy Johnson also arrives to attack Matt. Matt sucker-punches him right in the Johnson… HEY! Bill is stealing my gag! Scroddy is DVD-ed through a table. Back to the ring, where a spinning neckbreaker gets 2 for Maelstrom. Tornado DDT, no cover. Blind charge misses, Matt gets hiself hung on the Tree of woe. Baseball slide drop-kick from Vic. Matt blades. Splash Mountain powerbomb gets the win and the title for Vic.

3/4* It just isn’t happening tonight…

Taurus (w/Hannibal Carver) vs “Hot Sh!t” Rick Sturgis. (Mask vs. Gimmick)

Taurus and Carver tall on the outside, so Sturgis hits a tope suicida on both of them. Hot start. Carver legsweeps Sturgis on the floor. Inside, Taurus hits two dragon clotheslines and a samoan drop. He covers, but picks Sturgis up at 2. He works the arm with a Fujiwara armbar. Sturgis reaches the ropes and bails. Taurus gives chase, running into a sunset flip that smacks his head into the guardrail. Sturgis hits an Asai moonsault off the rail, then a sitdown facebuster on the floor. Taurus blades. Sturgis misses a bodyblock, landing heavily on the rail. Carver and Taurus hit a twin White Russian Legsweep on Sturgis. Taurus sets up the table and Sturgis takes a Super Gaigiin Drop through it. He rolls Sturgis in a applies the Horns of Taurus for the submission.

**1/3 Hot, hot match, but needed a lot more time to develop it. A could-have-been.

-Post-match, Carver intros’ Gemini and the re-united Zodiac pose.

Main Event: World Title Match (w/ Commisioner Odin Trollslayer as Guest Referee) Justin Keith (w/sheet of glass) vs Phillipe LaFleur (w/Pepe)

Stall-a-rama to start. Justin gets the best of LaFleur early, working the leg with an STF. He switches to a Dragon Sleeper variant. LaFleur uses a Firemans carry to counter. Leg-drop and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! LaFleur uses the camel clutch, Trollslayer makes him break because it’s boring. No, really, that’s the reason he gives. Good call, that man! Headlock sequence leads to Phillipe taking two flying clotheslines. He turns a third into a nicely-timed belly-to-belly that hangs Keith in the Tree of Woe. The Paris Avalanche scores. Inverted cradle piledriver gets 1. Back elbow is ducked, Keith spears LaFleur. Viciousness (ie. punching and kicking with a cool name) results. Diving elbow gets 2. Blind charge gets two French leg-drags from LaFleur. The Sacre Bleu (Spinning DVD) gets 2.9! Northen Lights is reversed into the Lost Marbles. (O-kay) Pedigree gets 2, foot on the ropes saves LaFleur. Keith complains about Trollslayers count, so Trollslayer decks him. LaFleur covers, but Odin is playing to the fans. Pepe complains, Odin smacks him around and puts him through a table with the “Shit That Hurt” Powerbomb. The significant Brothers hit the ring. O’Riordan distracts Trollslayer, as Deegan and Keith hit a double missile drop-kick. The “Deadly Trio” pose. The lights go out. They come back on, to reveal the Rebel has arrived and KO-ed all three of the Trio. He drags LaFleur over to cover and retain.

*1/2 A bit overbooked, and nothing too spectacular.

The Bottom Line: An early effort from BSCW, and it shows. Interesting to see the early form of Sampson, who can only improve, and the Taurus/Sturgis match had real potential. This fed has only one way to go… and that’s up.. I look forward to following their progress.

Thumbs squarely in the middle.

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling “Shane Delany Tournament 2001″

Another day, another PPV in my VCR. This time the action comes from E-FedUniverse Promotions’ “Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling”. (Great name!) The copy of the PPV I was sent is un-named, but it consists of the first-annual Shane Delany Memorial Tournament. (Held via the “Leathal Lottery”. They’re using WCW Gimmicks? Not a good sign!) Let’s see how this one goes, shall we?

-We are live from The Wedgwood Wide Wrestling Federation Arena in Wedgwood, Seattle, Washington. (Now THAT’s a niche market!) Your commentators and mine are Bill Withonel and Matt Heath.

-Bill and Matt hype the tourney, picking Taurus, Dionysus and Sampson as favourites. (Mythology rocks!) Bill proves he’s studied the classics by picking Phillipe LeFleurs farewell match to be a stinker. (Guess he saw Pipers Wrestlemania III “retirement” match…) The main event tonight is a “Greenhouse” match. (A Hell In Cell with added windowpanes… bonus marks for innovation right there!)

First Round Match (15-minute time limit) Crucifix and Erik Kreed vs Dionysus and Darkcyde Nightchild

Dionysus is from Parts Unknown, Erik Kreed is just Unknown. Dionysus has a gaggle of goth chicks escorting him, and manages to insult his own partner before letting him start the match. And then tagging himself in before Darkcyde can do anything. Pyschology on your own partner? Gotta love random tag teams… Crucifix and Dionysus to start us off. Headlock sequence to clothesline by Crucifix, but a second attempt results in a headscissors takedown from Dionysus. Inziguri scores for the smaller man, who tries to tag in Darkcyde. He gets spat on instead. You reap what you sow, I suppose. Crucifix hits a big release German on Dionysus and tags in Kreed. Kreed charges, drop toehold bounces his face off the mat. He makes the tag to an unwilling Darkcyde. Tornado DDT and Twist of fate floor Kreed. Dionysus hits a killer guillotine legdrop, then decides to tag himself in. By slapping Darkcyde in the chops. Cover, a somewhat riled Darksyde breaks it up. He hits a Twist of Fate on Dionysus, then hits the Nitefall on Kreed for the 3-count.

It’s here that I learn the rules of the tourney. It seems BOTH men have to be pinned for the team to be eliminated. Or something… it’s not clear at this point. Anyway, Crucifix is now facing a 2-on-1. He blocks a lowblow and hits a crunching sit-down chokebomb. Darkcyde gets a foot on the ropes to prevent a count. Dionysus once more decides tags are something that happen to other people and hits a springboard drop-kick on Crucifix. Cover gets 1. Ballshot-for-real by Crucifix, followed by a devaststing Gorilla Slam-to-Gutbuster. Crucifix hits his Crucifixtion and gets the three to eliminate Darkcyde. Dionysus tries to blindside Crucifix but is clotheslined on the top rope. Jackhammer and a chokehold from Crucifix with a big chokeslam chaser. Dionysus sells the chokeslam like his neck snapped in two. No cover, and a blind charge sees Dionysus avoid by jumping to the top rope to hit a tonado DDT. Wild! He covers for the pinfall, and the right to compete in the final tournament match. (Ahh, a light dawns!)

***1/4 Nice tight opener to the PPV.

1st Round Match: Teacher and Clown (Mr Jobcore and Slade the Clown) vs. M.A.K and Jack Daniels. (w/ Ms. Beastility(?))

Strangely, the mention of Jack Daniels doesn’t herald the arrival of Scott Hall. Slade and Jobcore injure themselves entering the ring… Do I smell a comedy match approaching? Jobcore tosses Slade to the wolves, and he’s choked into a tap-out in 4 seconds. Yes, I was right. Jobcore clotheslines M.AK, hurting himself in the process. Luke-warm tag to J.D. As he enters, the big screen shows a film of Ms Beastiality and a grizzly bear(?!!) getting jiggy with it. She runs off, J.D “Roll’s Tha Bluntz”(sic) on Jobcore for three, M.A.K hits a DDT and M-Cutta on J.D for 3. (Whoa, the light went out again. I guess it’s last man standing, which kind of defeats the purpose of tag-teams…)

Oh, there was a match there somewhere? Well, let’s be generous and call it DUD… no, what the hell… make that -**1/2 as the commentators insinuate that the grizzly is the father of Ms. B’s child (Whoosh! There goes reality out the window!)

1st Round match: MaCk and Mark “Generation” Rock vs. Leo and Taurus

Leo and Taurus are stablemates (representing “Zodiac”.. noooo, Ed Leslie!) and get a good reaction from the fans. All-in brawl right off the bat. Taurus clotheslines Rock over the top, but walks into a spinebuster from MaCk. Leo’s attempted bodyblock is countered and he receives a chokeslam for 2. Blind charge from MaCk gets turned into a nice hotshot off the ropes from Leo and a lightning-fast legdrop. Cover gets 1. Tag to Taurus, he’s hit with a kick to the gut and a nice powerbomb. Rock tags in, missing a clothesline. Taurus hits a neckbreaker variation and slaps on a Fujiwara armbar. He headbutts the shoulder for emphasis. Rock begs off, but Taurus applies the Horns of Taurus for the submission. MaCk charges Taurus and is backdropped almost out of the camera shot! Superkick, Dragon Clothesline and Ligerbomb later sees MaCk down and out. Taurus tags Leo who finishes MaCk with a springboard senton and an insane Moonsault Headbutt!

The stablemates face off, shaking hands before letting fly. Leo hits a standing one-legged drop-kick and a picture-perfect snap suplex. He tries to roll for another and is T-boned by Taurus. He goes for the JAPANESE VIOLENCE of leg-drags, and tries a snap suplex. Leo blocks, blocks again and delivers a brainbuster. Frog-splash hits the knees, and taurus strikes with the HEART PUNCH OF DEVASTATING BRUSING! Taurus hits the Gaijin Death Drop and gets the 3 to advance. He helps Leo up and they shake again as the crowd goes mental.

***3/4 Big moves and some great Japanese-styled action with Taurus/Leo.

Final Round 1 Match: “Bump” Taylor James and Andrew Sampson vs. X-Kalibur and “The Assasin” Ken (Not Elliot or Loch) Ness

Ken and X-Kalibur jump “Bump” as he makes his entrance, clotheslining the heck out of him in the aisle. They toss him into the ring and pummel him with a big powerbomb/neckbreaker combination. A double suplex follows as Sampson charges the ring to save “Bumps’ hide. Ness and Sampson brawl to the floor. X-Kalibur picks up “Bump” and gets caught in a bridged Northern Lights suplex for 2. Blind charge, Sky High nails Taylor. Crossface, but “Bump” reaches the ropes. Ness hooks Taylors foot, allowing X-Kalibur to hit a big springboard Over The Edge for the pin. On the outside Sampson facejams Ness and makes the ring. He ducks a superkick and delivers a DVD on X-Kalibur. Locking in the Exodus (a step-over toehold with a surfboard), he gains a submission to eliminate X-Kalibur. Ness is in, hitting a nice half-nelson slamand the “Killer”. He tries for a submission, slapping on the “Flesh Wound”. Sampson milks the crowd for all he’s worth, and finally makes the ropes. Ken releases the hold and celebrates his “Victory”. Sampson surprises him with a boot in the stomach and a running powerslam. His “Divine Retribution” gets the tap-out. Sampson advances.

*** Fairly standard, but the higher rating is for not falling into a pattern during the tournament. Each match in the first round had it’s own distinct vibe. Can it continue? Let’s find out, shall we?

Tag Team Title match: The Dawgz of War vs. Gemini

The dawgz are accompanied by a DJ (DJ Squooty Groves) as well as The Nubian Nightmare and Scroddy Johnson. A DJ? Did DJ Ran and Master P teach you people NOTHING?!! Gemini I and II are the current champions at this point. The usual four-man mayhem ensues, before one of the Geminis’ hits a sit-out powerbomb on Vic “Tim-Dogg” Simmons and sends him out. Gemini I then takes “T-Dogg” Timby to the floor with a cringe-inducing “Scales of Libra”. Both men take Man-sized bumps from that one. Vic rolls in and hits a quick reverse DDT on Gemini II for not-quite-one. Gemini I is back in to level Vic with a full-nelson slam. Vic becomes your Dawg-In-Peril as the Geminis hit double hiptosses, a double powerbomb and an Over Under as Tim crawls back in. He misses a clothesline, and the twins squash him with a spiked piledriver. Vic has recovered, and hits a Gemini with an Ace Crusher. He clotheslines the other Gemini and covers. It’s broken up by Gemini II (or possibly I… damn twins!) who rolls out. Vic hits a flying clothesline on Gemini I, but rolls out to check on Timby, who appears to be injured. (Possibly legit) Vic calls for the medical staff, only to be hit with a bladejob-inducing double Bulldog by the twins. (The cads!) Back in, the Gemini’s hit a Doyle Driver on Vic to retain.

**3/4 Big ugly brawl, but still watchable.

Lethal Lottery Tag Match (Last Man Standing wins the BSCW Canadian Championship): M.A.K and Taurus vs. Dionysus and Andrew Sampson

Sampsoon is the BSCW United Staes champ, so I guess he stands to unify the titles if he wins here. (Then again, possibly not…) Million Dollar Dragon also arrives, declaring himself referee on behalf of being “The most Canadian” person there. That’s good enough for me, but I’m biased… eh? M.A.K stands in the ring like he’s been lobotomised (The grizzly bear thing, remember? No, that’s right, I tried to block that image out of my mind!) Dragon suddenly hits him with a spinning heel kick and covers. He counts 2 before Sampson yanks him off M.A.K. Canadian rules, perhaps… Sampson brainbusts the still-stunned M.A.K and pins him. Taurus comes in and misses with a Dragon Clothesline, hitting Million Dollar Dragon instead. Taurus’ “so what?” grin is a hoot. Sampson boots Taurus in the mouth and underhook suplexes him. He hooks in an ankle lock. Dragon looks like he’s about to do a Vincent K. and yell “Ring the ****ing bell”, but Taurus gets to the ropes. Sampson releases him. Andrew and Taurus exchange a look and a nod, before nailing Dragon with a double DDT! Sampson poses, so Taurus takes charge with a release German, then a superkick and a T-bone. He misses an elbow however, and gets driven into the corner. Sampson DVD’s him out and tries to cinch in the Divine Retribution. (Which sounds better every time I say it) Taurus gets in a karate kick off the floor, and Sampson bails to tag Dionysus. Dionysus won’t tag, flipping the one-finger salute to Sampson instead! Taurus hits a dragon suplex and Sampson is quick-counted by Million $ Dragon. He’s hot, but his valet Lila prevents him taking after Dionysus. They return to the locker room to fight another day and it’s Dionysus and Taurus one-on-one. Dionysus hits a flying head-scissors on the distracted Taurus. Taurus plays Chumbawumba (He gets knocked down, but he gets up again) for a while, before being drop-kicked to the floor. Dionysus hits a huge Asai Moonsault off the apron to the delight of the crowd. Taurus recovers quickly, and hits another T-bone back in the ring. A series of leg-drags, a big back-drop and a hangmans neckbreaker get 2.99! (Dionysus remembers to sell the neck injury from his first-round match which is good to see.) Dionysus does a flip into the corner off a whip, trapping his foot in the process. Big sliding dropkick into his head from Taurus. He drags Dionysus out and sets up a piledriver, revesed sweetly into a facejam by Dionysus. He heads upwards and delivers a major somersaulting legdrop, double KO-ing both men. Dragon tries to count them out, Taurus is up at 9. He hits a Liger Bomb, then sets up a belly-to-belly. In an eye-pooping move, Dionysus flips completely, landing on his feet and, smooth as silk, hits the Kiss of the Bacchae. He covers, Dragon slowly counts, and Dionysus becomes the BSCW Canadian Champ. Dragon congratulates him by biffing him in the head with the belt, then splashing him off the top rope. (Hey, that’s how we say “Well done!” in Canada!)

****1/4 Great work all round. High spots were hit clean, the pyschology was there, and Dragon was able to make his feelings clear to Dionysus without resulting in a predictable screwjob.

Retirement Match: Phillipe LaFleur vs Jabronie Mahoney

Phillipes entrance is… well, pretty damn funny actually, as he spoofs the Underbikers entrance. (The mimes, midgets and marching band helped, too.) This is a “Softcore” match, so LaFleur is armed with a bag of popcorn. Mahoney has a raw fish. Do you really need me to recap this? It’s actually not that bad as comedy matches go… listening to Matt Heaths’ straight-faced selling of a bulldog onto the popcorn is worth the price of admission alone. A pillow gets involved, as does (and I quote) a “paper cup full of pleasantly warm water”. The finish comes as Phillipe superplexes Mahoney onto a loaf f French bread for the pin.

**1/2 Hey, that’s not bad for a comedy match! Hell, that’s the Benoit/Jericho of comedy matches!

World Heavyweight Title Match (Glasshouse Match): Justin (Not “Not”) Keith vs. The Rebel

In a moment of pure insanity, someone has allowed “Mix Master” Marcus and “Hardcore Hero” John Merganz to commentate for this match. They make the ICP sound like Jim Ross anmd Gordon Sollie, I swear. Mute the set! Punch and kick for a while… quite a while, actually, as neither man seems to be able to get into a rythym. Keith hits two Northen Lights suplexes in a row. Spinebuster is blocked, DDT from The Rebel. The Rebel goes for a chair, dropping in the ring for the sole purpose of having Justin catch him at the top, ballshot him and hit an insane (and not in a good way) legsweep off the top onto the chair. They REPEAT THE SPOT on the mat. (What, you were afraid he survived the first one?) then a third time. Getting into a rut, guys? They try a fourth(???) but it’s reversed into a headlock, then Dragon Sleeper. For about two seconds. Then it’s outside to brawl. Rebel is snap suplexed against the side of the cage, breaking some candy glass. Rebel drop-toeholds Justin into the cage, breaking more glass. Both blade. Rebel finds some barbed wire under the ring. Triple M is still commentating, but my Moron-to-English dictionaries are on back-order, so I can’t translate. Wait, it’s not just barbed wire, it’s a *sigh*, barbed wire baseball bat. How original. Some barb-wire spots and a elbow off the cage through the announce table by Rebel. Sadly, MMM and Hardcore aren’t killed… DAMN IT! Barb-wire assisted neckbreaker gets 2 for Rebel. Rebel kills Justins heat by kicking out of his finisher, the “Hell Driver”. Rebel tries a Pedigree, but Justin sling-shot’s him into the glass. More barb-wire spots, Rebel wraps a chair in the stuff. He gets hit with Justins OTHER finisher, the “Blockbuster Surprise”. (The surprise is, Rebel sells it and Justin wins.) They have a post-match stare-down, a handshake, and in a totally non-predictable twist (NOT!), Justin Pedigrees Rebel and pulls out.. a sledgehammer from beneath the ring. GIVE ME A BREAK!! The run-in to save Rebel is done by the “American Badass”, (no, not THAT American badass) “Austin Blacktop”. I’d recap the last five minutes, but since I hauled the tape out of my machine and tossed it across the room, I don’t know what happened.

-**** What the hell just happened? The PPV (Which, I might add, I didn’t hold huge expectations for) was running in high gear. I was prepared to hand out the highest recommendation possible. Then the Mumbling Morons arrived on the scene and BAM! Instant ECW-ish crap topped with a side order of crap, drizzled with a sauce made of the re-hashed left-overs of another federations ideas. The Glasshouse was a great idea in theory. The execution needed work. Major Work.

-Highly recommended. Just STOP THE TAPE after LaFleur retires. And don’t say I didn’t warn you if you watch further than that!