– OK, first things first. I mainly decided to review this show because it showed me the boobies on their Web site. I’m a sad, old man. The LVW is definitely NSFW (Not Safe For Work). Well, unless you work for a porn site. The FWO, this is not.
April 3, 2009
On Tape from Parts Unknown
– Your hosts are Maria and the not drunk at all Layla.
1 – Randy Cox vs. Selina
Are you ready for some double entendres? Selina is your Bootylicious Champion, but this is a non-title match. Selina starts off with a SEXY GYRATION OF DOOM before nailing Cox with *ahem* hard blows. Selina grabs Cox by the head and shoves Cox between her legs. Oh, sorry, got distracted by the self-writing jokes there. Stiff Holmby Crash by Selina. Layla: “Might not be the first time Selina’s beat off some Cox.” Hail Mary maneuver onto the limp Cox from the top rope gets the pin.
WINNER: Selina. She sure licked Cox good. Too bad the wrestling wasn’t. As if anyone’s watching this for the wrestling. (1/4*)
– Meanwhile, we hear a beeping noise. Is a fat chick backing up? Oh no, it’s just Layla’s cell phone. She has to attend to something, leaving Maria all alone. Bom-chicka-wah-wah! Will a pool boy named Rod wander by? NO? Oh, right, “wrestling” show.
2 – Kitten & Gasolina vs. Delilah & Mizz Laci Williams
Well, this one starts like any good mud wrestling match, minus the “good” and the mud. Delilah avoids a suckerpunch – because she knew it was *ahem* coming – then hits a back body drop. Tag to Kitten, who reverses a headlock into a back suplex for one. Fans should start a “Match of the year, match of the year!” chant after that one. I wouldn’t dare ask them to clap at the moment, I’m sure there hands are quite busy. Laci gets in the ring and takes a DDT and an elbow drop for two. Shouldn’t the goal in a fed such as this be to get the women OFF their backs? Just a thought. Kitten allegedly works on Laci’s arm before Gasolina el bootos Williams’ head, eventually getting a two before Delilah makes the save. Laci botches a release northern light suplex. Gasoline tags in and stops a tag on the other side, then chokes Laci. The referee shouts the safety word, then Gasolina gets distracted by the fans, giving Laci the chance to get a superultrasecret tag. Gasolina hits a Cross the Border on Laci, but Delilah is (barely) legal and locks in the Tortuously Bound submission.
WINNERS: Delilah & Mizz Laci Williams. Um…it was short? (1/2*)
– Meanwhile, Syd visits the “Messiah of Metal” Dazz and his magical thong. Apparently, Dazz is dating Faith, but he recently got drunk, which made Faith’s stepsister totally horny for him. Wow, this is like MY life. It’s so real! Somehow, Kitten is also involved. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our hos.
– Meanwhile, Delilah has mastered the art of walking without falling over, so she visits AWOL commentator Layla. Layla has a gift for Delilah. I hope it vibrates! Layla makes those panties drop, and tosses them to Delilah. VINTAGE LAYLA~! Before things get at all naughty, we head to…
3 – Dazz vs. Syd Ashley (Thong Match)
Maria says this is the first Thong Match. Where DO they come up with these innovative ideas! An erection leads Dazz out, and Syd’s naked jugs (I’ll give those ***1/2) accompany Syd to the ring. They enter together wearing matching black thongs. Dazz locks in an abdominal stretch. Maria: “These two literally know each other inside and out.” Instead of knife-edge chops, we gets butt spanks, natch. She blocks a roll-up, but then gets dry humped. Maria chimes in with an important fed factoid: “Dazz and his wife Faith did give us the very first on screen penetration that didn’t involve a victory coming from plugging an orifice.” What does that even MEAN? Kitten is out in bra and panties to slap Syd, which equals a disqualification.
Post-match, we’ve got a KITTENNNNFIIIIIIGHT! Dazz, not realizing he works for Playboy TV, breaks it up. As a reward, he gets an ass grab and a tongue bath on his crotch from Kitten. As Dazz flees, Kitten purrs.
WINNER: Syd via DQ…I think. (DUD)
– Meanwhile, Layla blows a kiss goodbye to Delilah.
– Meanwhile, an angry topless Syd Ashley storms into Rachel Close’s office. Rachel decides to book her into a “steel cage match with a difference” at their next pay-per-view, Wet ‘N Wild, for the Orgasmic Championship. That difference? She never says. Aw, that’s like a porno without a money shot.
4 – Emily Jane vs. Isabella Pazzini
– Her booty call over, Layla rejoins the announce team. Isabella chops Emily early, snapmares her, then misses a moonsault. Isabella with a camel (toe) clutch. We’ve got company, as Isabella’s sister, Camilla, heads to ringside. Camilla’s taunts don’t stop Isabella from reaching the ropes for a break. Isabella with an inverted atomic wedgie drop, then nails Flippin’ the Bird for the pin.
Post-match, Camilla looks for a toy at ringside, but has to settle for a non-vibrating steel chair. Camilla telegraphs, telephones, e-mails, and takes a classified ad out, letting the entire viewing world know her plans and, thus, gets kicked in the head and loses the chair. Camilla takes a weak chair shot to the head and I take the high road by not making a money shot joke here. Isabelle gyrates, then finds some handcuffs and scissors conveniently under the ring. Emily gets cuffed, then Isabella lets the boobies out (I’ll give those ***). Then she gets completely cuffed and Isabella does an emergency clothesectomy. Layla goes in for a closer look. Camilla demands a rematch between Emily and Isabella on the next Ho Down, with Camilla as the referee. The loser becomes the winner’s servant for two weeks. Oh, and then to make it even more “interesting,” both Isabella and Emily must compete nude. Isabella accepts and we out.
WINNER: Isabella Pazzini via pinfall. (DUD)
Final thoughts: Nudity + absurdity = Ho Down! If you like wrestling and softcore porn without much of either, then Luscious Vixxxens of Wrestling is just what the naughty lesbian nurse ordered. For the rest of us? There’s much better porn and wrestling to be found, oh, I don’t know…EVERYWHERE! Aside from being NSFW, it’s also NWW – not worth watching.