March 15, 2009
From Chicago, Illinois
-After a video package recap, we join Craig Miles and Dennis Eddie Hussein Mayfield in a New York City penthouse office. Miles has the NFW World and Television titles. Miles and Mayfield briefly mention the “bling bling” that Michael Steele and his posse had to pay out over Joe the Plumber. You be da man, Craig Miles! Well, actually, Mayfield be da El Presidente now. Eddie offers Heel I Can Believe In! Apparently, the president has installed hidden cameras behind all his wrestler’s mirrors. Yes, perverts, Teresa has clothes on — for the good stuff, you’ll have to join NFW’s “adults only” section. And we’ve got bromance, as Miles and Mayfield share a manly hug. Miles: “I’m not coming back unless I have to avenge you.” Mayfield: “Then it’s settled, you’re never coming back.”
-An awesome 1812 overture video package follows. Winter vacation is over, bitches!
-We’ve got explosions, and we’ve reached “ground zero.” I thought President Mayfield was supposed to keep us safe?
-Sign of the night: Rook Black Confuses Me!
-Kerry O’Connor and Lamont Hollywood will (mostly) be your hosts for the evening. Mostly. They hype debuts and the card, including The Sears Tower match (which, if they ever do a sequel to this match in Chi-Town will have to be called a Willis Tower match thanks to those British bastards) and a 30-minute tag team ironmen match. That’s right, I wrote ironMEN, even though they call it an ironman match.
-Inauguration time! We’ve got special ring decorations. A huge banner of Mayfield’s face in red/blue, parodying the Obama “Hope” poster, is lowered. But instead of “Hope,” it reads “HEEL”! Awesome. Hollywood brings out overlord, master, and president-elect of NFW (and the universe), Eddie Mayfield. Huge heel heat as Mayfield enters via limo with secret service agents. Where’s Aaron Pierce? The crowd is on fiah for this segment thus far! Hollywood produces a “Heel Bible” (only $49.95, order now!). The awesome continues for the swearing in: “I Dennis Edward Mayfield, do solemnly lie, to swerve, steal, and poke out the eyes of all those beneath me. I vow to heelfully execute the office of New Frontier Wrestling. And will to the best of my professional standards, preserve, protect, and defend the wrestling revolution, if it is in my best interests. So help me heel.” Victory smoke time! Camels are the Heelpublican’s symbol, ya know…”Hot Stuff” leads to a stereo presidential strut.
HUGE POP as Joe the Plumber’s music hits. Joe bowls through secret service and Mayfield’s goons to more monster pops. THIS is like a ***** segment right here. Mayfield’s facials are priceless. Joe takes out Hollywood and delivers a garbage disposal press slam from hell! Crowd wants more. Mayfield’s awesomeness continues. Mayfield yells at Joe before he can nail Hollywood with a Shit River Plunge powerbomb. Joe needs to fall in line, which apparently means spitting at Mayfield. Joe wants his title. Mayfield: “You can’t be powerbombing the announce team. I mean, maybe O’Connor, but not this one.” Crowd: “UNNNNNNNNNNGHHHHHHHH.” Mayfield says he’ll give Joe a proper coronation in a special Hollywood’s On Fire segment. This is NOT cool with Hollywood, needless to say. Joe yells at Mayfield to end this hot opener.
– Coming soon: Monsieur Fantastic IV and Notthemountie!
– Meanwhile, Mayfield enters a replica of President Lincoln’s theater box from Ford’s theater. Well, aside from the blood and brain bits. Oh, he’s just ASKING for it, gun-toting lunatics! Mike McGee is out and has some moderately-loud complaints for El Presidente. Then he busts into a disturbing Marilyn Monroe rendition of “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.” No, not really. But I’m bored. McGee tells him to kiss his ass and stands for what’s right. Mayfield = slightly annoyed.
1 – Bold New Disaster (Problem Child & Castor V. Strife) w/Jimmy Mylde vs. The Sicilian Swat Team (Cousin Vinny & Leroy Brown)
Calvin Carlton fills in as color commentator as Lamont sells his injuries. BND’s entrance and intro makes me nostalgic for the old Dudley Boyz Gertner intros from ECW. Not because this is anything at all like that, just because I wish it was half as entertaining for the length we’ve got here. Yowza. Castor with a clothesline. Leroy runs into a belly to belly suplex. Castor with a German suplex with a bridge for two. At this point, Jimmy Mylde helps a blind man over the guardrail. Get that man a referee shirt! No such luck, however. Actually, he’s the new BND play-by-play man, Blink Rogers, who gets right in on the action by calling a powerbomb (even though it was a snap suplex). Pretty funny moment as Blink calls various “loud” moves while Vinny’s in a headlock. Vinny gets nailed with a top rope face buster (a.k.a. South Asian Muff-Buster). Sickle-cell neckbreaker and this one’s over as BND pick up a win in their Crash debut.
WINNERS: BND. Decent opener, but nothing earth-shattering. The focus definitely wasn’t on the wrestling. (*1/2)
– Up next is Legion’s “Memorial Service” for James Varga. Legion mocks Varga. Jon Collingwood was expecting something “tasteful” from Legion? OK, I can only suspend my belief sooo far people! He’s taken care of. Legion rants some more. We move along.
– Meanwhile, Lamont Hollywood is walking. An interview with “Just” Mark is interrupted when a bloody High Flyer emerges from his locker room. Flyer: “Masked guy…broke…my brain.” We need medics.
– Teresa Quaranta, along with her hourglass and scalpel, are out to discuss Legion and the Looking Glass Match. She desribes the cage of glass as being a half-inch thick, soundproof, and bulletproof. And it’s full of weapons. Sounds like my ex-girlfriend’s house. Hiyo!
2 – Teresa Quaranta vs. The Devil’s Rejects (Looking Glass Cage Match)
Madonna Wayne Grossard and Kooter-Michaels Cruise are on commentary. We pick up the action at 9:30 as a bloody Quaranta stands over Legion and Luci (who are in pools of blood and broken glass) with barbed wire bat in each hand. Nice visual if Tarantino is your cup of tea. Aurora Special on Legion gets a two as Luci breaks up the cover. Kooter: “MY WEE WEE DOES NOT HURT OR ITCH BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE ANY ESS TEE DEES.” Madonna: “My wee wee hurts all the time, because I have lots of Ess Tee Dees…” Luci avoids a Blue Thunder Driver and nails a leg lariat. Kooter lets us know that pretty girls covered in blood make him feel good. While Luci sets up a table, Legion hits a Diet Pepsi Plunge. Then an Ace Crusher. The table is covered with broken glass as Legion hits a leg drop. Teresa reverses and nails a Spanish Inquisition Kick. I wasn’t expecting that. NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisistion Kick! Luci nails a DDT, then a springboard moonsault press. Superbomb? HOLY SHIT. Teresa nails a hurricanrana through the glass cage! Luci connects with a flying thunder tiger plancha on Teresa. Kooter on commentary is pretty damn funny, but it’s undermining the insanity of this match. And damn, that cage isn’t looking very good. Luci hits a running springboard Devil’s Advocate. Teresa is set up on the table. OH HOLY SHIT again. Shooting star press countered into a Process of Illumination through the glass-covered table for the pin.
WINNER: Teresa Quaranta. Um, wow. That was some sick shit. Hard to rate because I missed the first nine minutes and they were dragging from whatever happened earlier in the match. The commentary was entertaining, but took away from the match. Good for the vampires in the crowd, but not for the rest of us. (*)
– Next up, Dr. Curiosity is out in a wheelchair, being pushed by his assistant Eegor. He’s got a cast on one leg and a bandage on his head thanks to the Grand Prix match. As some security people try to air lift him into the ring, Curiosity gets dumped on his head and pinned under the wheelchair. Eegor gets Curiosity back in his chair and we get down to business. Bottom line: he’s backing out of a tag match and inserts Eegor in his place.
3 – Cary Turkington & Rook Black vs. Kooter Michaels-Cruise & Eegor
Hollywood and O’Connor are back on commentary as we join this one at 11:52. Kooter nails a chokeslam on Black. Black escapes a DVD attempt to hit an inverted DDT. Funny spot as Black doesn’t want to tag in his partner, so he makes Kooter tag in Eegor. Black goes to work on Eegor’s legs with an elevated single leg crab. Kooter with a big boot to break up that submission. Kooter goes after Turkington on the apron. Black nails Eegor with a German suplex. As Black locks in a crossbow, Kooter rams Turkington into the steel post on the floor. Curiosity hops into the ring and nails Black with the EXPLODING CYBORG BOOK OF DOOM~! Meanwhile, Eegor is crying, but eventually makes the cover, but Black kicks out at two! Kooter hits a crossbody press on Black, getting a pop from the crowd. Elsewhere, Mayfield plays “GTA: Chinatown.” Kooter hits Turkington with a sitout powerbomb. Black clotheslines Kooter in the back of the head. Off the ropes, but Curiosity pulls down the ropes. Black’s out and Eegor collapses on Turkington for the three.
WINNERS: Kooter Michaels-Cruise & Eegor. What was shown was booked well, even if the wrestling wasn’t all that hot. (*1/2)
– Meanwhile, Vic “The Bull” Tarano and Brock Alyas run into each other. Wackiness doesn’t ensue as bad meets evil.
4 – Vic “The Bull Tarana vs. Felix Red
Joined in progress at 14:13. Red with a low blow and follows that up with a sloppy spinning heel kick. Red hits a top rope moonsault, causing Tarano to cough up blood. Red gets a long two count. Tarano unloads with some brass knuckles, busting him open. Implant DDT. Tarano hits a stiff clothesline for two. Then he hits a full nelson suplex. Red avoids a Bull Rush (shining wizard) and hits The Ecstasy of the Agony. After some fighting in the corner, Tarano connects with a tornado DDT for another long two count. Bull Rush misses again, giving Red a chance to hit a bridging Dragon suplex for the win. Mayfield applauds from his box.
WINNER: Felix Red. Once again, hard to rate accurately because only a few minutes was shown. Good finish anyhow. (*)
– Now it’s time for Biff Busey’s Show & Tell. Biff is “The Ultimate High School Jock” and tonight he has some friends: Zach Morris, AC Slater and Screech Powers. No Kelly Kapowski = EPIC FAIL. There’s some discuss of Biff’s sperm, which is “spiff” (the sperm of Biff) for the record. Biff than introduces David Jericho, who allegedly is Chris Jericho’s brother. And amazingly, he has Chris’s exact persona and speech pattern. Um, what’s the point of this? Crowd boos, and I hope it’s because of the ubersuckage and lack of creativity/originality. Then Biff brings out Shawn Coppolla. Hopefully, Biff won’t put on lipstick and a fat suit and start making out with him. Michael “The Mind” Heenan joins the fun, along with Biff’s younger brother, “The Ultimate Jock Preppy Douche” Trent Busey. Tune in next week as new recruits include David Cena, Pierre-Henri Levesque and Dan Bautista. This segment gets negative stars. Where are my hot pokers? Koopa Troopa and Dry Bones are out to eventually get beat up….Then they get beat up. And I need beer. Badly. Koopa goes through three flaming tables for no reason. This show is going downhill fast.
– Meanwhile, Impulse might take off his mask if he wins the Television Title tonight. Intrigue~! And seriously, fuck Biff Busey. I need a good match to stop me from putting my foot through my screen.
5 – Dos Equis vs. Phil Atken vs. Impulse vs. Brock Alyas vs. “Fakepulse” vs. Cameron Cruise (Sears Tower TV Title Match)
The rules are pretty simple. The TV title is hanging 12 feet in the air, and the winner must retrieve it without using a ladder. Fake Impulse, or Fakepulse, is replacing High Flyer, who was attacked earlier tonight. Everyone starts brawling at the bell. Atken grabs the first chair of the match and nails Cruise with it. We’ve got action all over the place. Fakepulse spin kicks the chair into Atken’s head. Fakepulse tries to reach for the title with just a chair, but Impulse kicks the chair out from under him. Impulse with a backbreaker on Fakepulse into a dragon sleeper. Equis breaks it up with a chair shot. Cruise DDTs Equis. Atken grabs our first table. Atken takes a back body drop onto said table, which doesn’t break. Ouch. Alyas gets on the table looking for the title, but gets dropkicked instead and gets crunchified with an assist from Equis. Cruise hits Impulse with table shards before Cruise nails Fakepulse with a chair. Equis and Atken are collecting tables at ringside like baseball cards. Alyas with an exploder on Impulse. As Cruise and Alyas brawl, Equis low blows Alyas and Cruise hits a DDT. ¡Consiga las tablas! Backdrop through a table doesn’t quite work out, but Cruise eventually sends Alyas through his second table. Equis and Cruise make peace until Equis crotches him. Didn’t Arafat do that to Rabin. The Middle East STILL hasn’t recovered! Damn you! As Equis and Atken argue, Impulse nails a Sudden Impact on Atken and Fakepulse hits Equis with a full nelson slam. After Cruise dumps Fakepulse, Impulse just barely grabs the belt, but Cruise nails him with a chair. Alyas dumps Fakepulse on the rail on the floor. Alyas hits an exploder on Dos Equis and Atken before getting a Reality Check from Cruise.
Equis hits a ** frog splash (allegedly…I’d call it 3/4*) on Impulse as we return. For his sloppiness, Fakepulse lowblows Equis and bulldogs him on a chair. Impulse hits Atken with a baseball slide dropkick and then some hot Impulse on Fakepulse action on the floor. Alyas gets the better of a brawl with Cruise and sets him up for an Elevator Drop, but Atken chopblocks Alyas, causing Cruise to hit a table. Figure-four by Atken on Alyas is desribed thusly by Hollywood: “Its like watching Kate Moss have sex with a black man!” Equis with a running senton on Alyas. Then Cruise stomps Alyas. Then Fakepulse hits a double stomp from the top on Alyas. Sucks to be Brock! Cruise gets locked in a Tijuana Crab. Somehow (clipping?), Cruise gets free and goes to work on Alyas bad knee. Impulse with a missile dropkick to Cruise send him through the table. Match slows down a bit, and after some brawling, Cruise hits Atken piledrives him on a chair. Alyas grabs a table for some Brock-A-Copter action. Impulse hits a springboard dropkick into Alyas’ back and Impulse with a Hornet Splash sends Alyas face-first through the table! Impulse gets up on the hook, and ends up with his legs around Cruise before Fakepulse dropkicks the table, sending everybody down!
Alyas hits a DDT on Cruise onto the table before Equis charges in with a bronco buster into Alyas’s face and through the table. A wood sandwich, but two very different kinds of wood. Equis and Atken hit a double eye poke on top of another table, then both fall off and hit the turnbuckles simultaneously in a funny spot. Clotheslines From Oz by Alyas on Atken and then Equis before Impulse hits a springboard back elbow to Alyas and then a chair-aided springboard spinning leg clothesline. Fakepulse Yakuzas Impulse and heads for the title, but Cruise takes out the table, leaving Fakepulse hanging from the hook. Cruise gets him and HOLY SHIT! Equis hits a Doomsday Beersteiner through a table on Fakepulse! Alyas crabs Cruise and hits a psycho driver on a chair! Somehow, Cruise manages to fight off a superbomb and backdrops Alyas onto a table, but Equis dropkicks Cruise to the floor in another sick spot. Fakepulse manages to get Equis into an Atkentamer. Impulse unmasks Fakepulse…it’s High Flyer in a brilliant swerve. Sudden Impact on Flyer takes him out. Impulse sets up a table, but Equis rams him into it and they brawl. Alyas and Cruise brawl and head back inside before Alyas hits a sick gore on Flyer through the table. Impulse unloads on Cruise with kicks, giving Atken an opening for a nut shot. Atken and Cruise fight on the table before Cruise hits a Shipwreck Cradle Piledriver through the table!!
As the crowd goes wild, Equis and Impulse head up on a table and brawl. Sunset flip powerbomb off the table by Impulse! Meanwhile, Alyas stomps on Cruise. Alyas gets heaved through the table and then Cruise walks right into a Sudden Impulse! Alyas recovers in time to get on the table to fight with Impulse. Alyas delivers a sick powerbomb through the table, but Impulse grabs the title as Alyas was lifting him up! No way! Impulse wins the title as the crowd pops huge. Post-match, Impulse unmasks to reveal his secret identity: Randall Knox. I’m sure if I knew who Randall Knox was/is, I’d be floored right now. But I don’t, so I’m not.
WINNER: Impulse (Randall Knox). Excellent spotfest match. I worry about everyones health (and sanity) after some of those spots, but the booking was excellent, and the execution was flawless. Truly, a memorable match, and easily gets my highest rating. (*****)
-Meanwhile, Steve Knox brings us his awesome, and lets everyone know that he wants the NFW World Championship and he can’t wait to suplex Joe the Plumber into oblivion.
6 – New Day Rising (Tsunami & Wildstar w/Rayne & DC Stratton) vs. Hollywood Wrecking Crew (Malik Anderson & Blaine Hollywood w/Calvin Chalmers Carlton Esq.) (30 Minute Iron Men Match for the Everette Memorial World Tag Titles)
Whoever wins the most pinfalls at the end of 30 minutes will win the titles. Pins, submissions, DQs, and countouts count. If tied after 30 minutes, there will be sudden death. Pre-match, Calvin repeats, “remember the strategy,” Nice sequence by Tsunami and Hollywood to start. WildStar in and goes to work on Hollywood with a backbody drop and a gutwrench suplex. Tsunami with a springboard elbow drop, followed by a WildStar somersault for two. ‘Star then becomes your face in peril as Anderson works him over with a couple belly-to-belly suplexes. ‘Star avoids That’s Entertainment and cradles Hollywood for three to put NDR up 1-0 with about 22 minutes remaining. We reboot as Tsunami and Anderson go at it. Anderson hits a Ruke Awakening before tagging in Hollywood, who hits a sitout powerbomb for a pin to tie up the match 1-1 with about 20 minutes left.
Rebooting again, Anderson prevents Tsunami from making the tag and clubs him. Powerbomb attempt by Anderson gets reversed into a back body drop, but Anderson nicely counters Tsunami’s springboard attempt with a dropkick that sends him to the floor. Calvin looks to inflict some damage with his tennis racket, but DC Stratton grabs it, and DC hits Hollywood before tossing it toward the upper deck. It gets a pop from the crowd, but more importantly, causes a DQ. HWC goes up 2-1 with just over 17 minutes left. We’ve got tension now in the NDR corner. This is some great old school action so far. Hope it keeps up. Meanwhile, Hollywood nails Tsunami with a title belt while the ref is distracted by DC, who gets his hands on the title and stares at it. Anderson goes to work on Tsunami’s freshly bladed forehead before nailing him with Michinoku Driver for the three. HWC up 3-1 with less than 14 minutes remaining. O’Connor points out nicely that WildStar has used a variation of that move as one of his finishers for years. The match resumes with Hollywood dragging Tsunami’s forehead on the ropes. Careful! Rope burn might cauterize the wound. Tag to Anderson, who locks in Tsunami in a Boston crab, giving us a nice Wrestlemania 13ish visual as a bloody Tsunami screams out in pain in this submission hold. But Tsunami doesn’t tap, so Hollywood tags in and drops a knee from the top rope as we enter the final 10 minutes.
After a Hollywood backbreaker, Anderson drives an elbow to the Tsunami’s skull, as he desperately needs a tag. HWC continues to work on Tsunami’s back with some double team action before Calvin screams out for act three, which apparently is titled, “The Lungs! The Lungs!” And on cue, Hollywood with a corner splash followed by chops. Hollywood with a big hiptoss followed by a sleeper with 8 minutes left. Crowd chants give Tsunami the magical power to not go to sleep and fight his way up. Stunner! Tsunami’s been beaten on for 15 minutes and needs a red hot tag. But Calvin distracts the referee, who goes all Blink Rogers on us. Anderson drags Tsunami back to the heel corner. As Anderson holds, Hollywood tries for a splash, but Tsunami elbows his way free of Anderson’s grip. Gold mist~! I hear gold mist is trading at an all-time high on the mist market these days. Oh, and Tsunami FINALLY makes the tag. WildStar is in and goes all chimpanzee on they asses before spiking Hollywood with a spinning Tiger Driver for the three to make it 3-2 HWC with about 5 minutes left. Once the match resumes, WildStar goes for another pin, but that jezebel Calvin puts Hollywood’s foot on the bottom rope. WildStar heads up top for a 450 splash, but Anderson breaks up the pin with 4 minutes to go. Tsunami gets the tag, chops away on Hollywood and nails a suplex. A spinning leg drop leads to a tag to WildStar who hits a springboard moonsault for two with 3 minutes remaining. ‘Star hits some rolling thunder, tags in Tsunami and whips him into Hollywood for a handspring elbow. Once again, Anderson breaks up the pin. WildStar re-enters with a hurricanrana pin, but somehow Hollywood kicks out as we hit the 2 minute warning, with Rayne calling for some hurry-up offense. Hollywood fights back but takes a Russian leg sweep, setting up Tsunami for a 450 splash. But Calvin distracts the referee again, so Rayne tackles Calvin. CATFIIIIIIIGHT! Tsunami gets a looooong two count, but Hollywood kicks out with 90 seconds to go! Drei deutsche suplexes by Tsunami follow. Five Star Frog Splash by you-know-who before Tsunami crescent kicks Anderson and we’ve got a tie game of 3-3 with just over 1 minute left! Tsunami hits a handspring backflip over the ropes onto Anderson on the floor! Yikes! Down to WildStar and Hollywood with time running out. Hollywood uses the referee for a shield in the ring as Rayne and Carlton and Tsunami and Anderson are all fighting on the floor with 45 seconds to go. WildStar backslides Hollywood, but the ref is still bumped, so he checks on him and gets a nut shot as thanks for his good deed. With 30 seconds, Calvin fights free of Rayne and tosses Hollywood a title belt. But Stratton gets in the ring and yoinks the belt with 15 seconds to go! Stratton’s about to blast Hollywood, but no! Swerve! He blasts WildStar! Crowd is shocked, and so am I! With 10 seconds, Hollywood makes the pin with 5 seconds left for the final fall to win the tag titles. Stratton leaves, getting pelted with trash all the way. HWC are the champions, my friends.
WINNERS: Hollywood Wrecking Crew. Another excellent match. Great psychology, great booking, and a shocking ending to boot. (****1/2)
-Main event segment time. It’s Hollywood On Fire, with special guest star Joe the Plumber. Good luck topping the last two matches. Hollywood’s charging Joe an incineration fee to burn his clothes from when Joe touched him earlier. This causes Joe to snatch the mic. Only, “fuckin'” isn’t bleeped the first time, but the censors wake up for some of the other swears. These NFW editors must be straight out of college or something. Fans throw their brooms in the air and wave ’em like they just don’t care. Oops, nevermind. Censors gave up apparently as Joe cunts it up in the way only Joe can. Argh, these censors are having so much trouble during this segment it’s distracting the bleep out of me! Eddie Mayfield eventually comes to Hollywood’s rescue. He’s got a haliburton case. Mayfield has made a new (and awesome looking) NFW World Title belt in his own image that resembles a Wimbledon tennis trophy plate. Mayfield calls for the Heel Bible, but Joe is pissed and lets Mayfield know with some more bleepage. Joe grabs the belt and puts it on, giving Mayfield the opportunity to blast Joe with the Heel Bible! Joe is busted hardway, as we discover the Heel Bible contained a brick! Hollywood celebrates as Mayfield stands over the champ. Man, more garbage is thrown. NFW needs Mike the Garbageman next to sweep up after all these dirty fans. Mayfield begins whipping Joe with Hollywood’s belt. Another piece of clothing for the incinerator. Impulse runs out for the save. Joe pulls a “Star Trek II” scream as we fade out.
Final thoughts: Very entertaining show. Hell, any show that features a ***** match and a ****+ match gets two thumbs up from me. Perfect? No. But Joe/Mayfield, the good matches and booking far outweighed the badness that was the odd match editing and Biff’s blackhole of entertainment.