April 26, 2009
– Show opens with highlights of Crash 47, focusing on Joe the Plumber/President Eddie Mayfield and the Tag Team Championship switch.
– Outside, the presidential limo arrives. GOLD VAN! GOLD VAN! GOLD VAN IS HERE! And it smashes into the limo. Who’s driving the gold van? Tune into Nitro, next week! Oh wait, it’s Joe the Plumber, of course. Joe rushes over from his World Champions Plumbing van looking for Eddie Mayfield, but it’s a ruse. After busting out the moon roof with a wrench, he pulls out a decoy. Ah, so Joe is one of the crazy guys in Pennsylvania who clings to his wrenches and religion (Joe is an Asskickodist, I believe). Meanwhile, The Real Eddie Mayfield sneaks into the building.
– Your hosts are Lamont Hollywood and Kerry O’Connor. Ringside, they hype up the show, which is dropping from three hours to two (smart move), and Hollywood wants Joe fired and stripped of the NFW World Title.
– Clips of Captain Conga defeating Bret Kelly via pinfall after Dios Mi (450 corkscrew leg drop). O’Connor notes that Kelly is on a 10-year losing streak and Conga has about 10-15 MOVES OF DOOM! Suck on that, Bret.
– Backstage, High Flyer tells us that we all wear masks. Does he have a hidden camera in my bedroom?
– Clips of Unicorn Mask defeating La Estrella 100% via Skullfucka Bustah. Funny bit as Unicorn Mask grabs the horn on his mask, screams like a banshee, and they cut to a silent and dumbfounded O’Connor and Hollywood. Post-match, High Flyer runs out with a baseball bat that’s wearing a Fakepulse/Impulse mask and a Philadelphia Phillies baseball hat. Flyer goes psycho on both guys and rips off Estrella’s mask. Unicorn eventually fights off Flyer.
– Meanwhile, High Flyer doesn’t trust unicorns or men named after concepts of astrology.
– In-ring, Biff Busey and the Church of Jobbers incite a small riot in the crowd. I think. Ironic having the words “riot” and “Biff Busey” in the same sentence, ain’t it? After cutting to “THE NFW ALPHA SQUADRON ZONE Z! RIDE!” we cut to O’Connor and Hollywood watching their monitors in front of a non-rioty crowd. Random.
3 – Normal Human Beings (David Jericho & Shawn Coppola) (w/Biff Busey and Michael “The Mind” Heenan) vs. Bold New Disaster (Castor V. Strife & Problem Child) (w/Jimmy Mylde & unconscious Lana Dremire)
Just a warning: anything involving Biff automatically starts at -**. Also, Problem Child killed your daughter’s virginity. NFW: the F stands for fuck family entertainment! For helping destroy NFW, Mylde gives Biff a present: Gray’s Sports Almanac, 1950-2000. This sets up the V. CASTORSTRIFER superkick into the almanac. After the match begins, Biff sniff’s Lana’s feet at ringside. I only hope those “Biff” chants are piped in, because this is epic stupidity. Later, Strife unleashes another V. Castorstrifer into a chair, nailing Coppola, then hits the Director’s Cut (inverted neckbreaker thingee), but Lana’s unconscious body makes the save, thanks to Biff throwing her at him. Enter “Marty” and “Doc” from “Back to the Future” in a DeLorean. Oh fuck me, this is just getting ridiculous, as the “Saved by the Bell” jackasses run out to fight them. Hold on. Ridiculous isn’t even a strong enough word. Rifuckulous? I never thought I’d see the day where I had to write, “Doc hits Biff with a Liger Bomb.” Strife demands toys. Namely, a flamethrower? Oh holy hell. He sets everyone on fire. I think this is the only time I’ll ever condone flamethrowercide. Strike demands a count (would you DQ a man with a flamethrower?), and gets it. Post-match, we learn that this match happened in Intercourse, Pennsylvania (woohoo!) with the help of CGI.
WINNERS: Bold New Disaster via pinfall. Absolutely surreal. But it killed Biff Busey and crew dead, so, yay? (-***1/4)
– Backstage, Joe the Plumber visits Eddie Mayfield’s office and takes care of Shamon. Joe gets on the intercom and tells Eddie he has some urgent business to attend to, and it isn’t beating a mission on “Chinatown Wars.” Joe breaks into the office, only to find an open window, a Nintendo DS, a lit cigarette, and the empty case that’s been holding the NFW World Title. DS goes smashy smashy.
– In-ring, a sad Rayne heads out to confront her boyfriend D.C. Stratton about him turning evil at Crash 47. Stratton heads out and apologizes. They’re interrupted by Stratton’s new woman, Veronica Abrams Rumsfeld. CATFIIIIIIIIGHT! Stratton pulls Rayne off and punches her! Stratton welcomes Rayne to “Dumpsville… population YOU!” WildStar and Tsunami run out to try to save Rayne, but Malik Anderson (posing as a cameraman) and Blaine Hollywood (posing as a security guard) ambush them. Hollywood chairshots WildStar repeatedly, and he blades. Stratton blasts Tsunami with a chair and punts WildStar in the nose to solidify his heeldom. Lots of heel heat here. This feud is tremendous.
– Backstage, Eddie Mayfield rappels in with a counterterrorist escort. Meanwhile, Joe stalks him from a Dumpster.
4 – Felix Red (w/Gotho) vs. Rook Black (National Championship)
Red gets an early nearfall with a small package, but Black takes over after a trio of snap suplexes. Gotho annoys Black with a chair, so he goes out to the floor, but Red suicide dives onto both men. After some brawling, Red connects with a moonsault off the buckles. Back inside, Red hits a rana for two. Black gets back in control after a double arm DDT and Russian leg sweep, but Gotho throws the ring bell at Black’s head. Black returns the favor to a big pop. Nice reversal sees Red turn an inverted atomic drop into a sunset flip for two. A fan hops the rail, causing a brief distraction. Black turns Red’s corkscrew plancha into a cradle piledriver for two. Red avoids a German suplex by hitting a neckbreaker. Shattered Horizons (twisting swanton bomb) with a chair assist gets Red two. Black comes back with a Burning Hammer onto the chair, but Gotho (barely) pulls Black off. Black’s Liger Bomb also only gets two, so he looks for a crossbow. Instead, he finds a chair to the nose courtesy of Gotho. Red hits a shooting star press for two. Head of Security Cojones Mercado heads down to ringside now. Red locks in a camel clutch, but Black stands up, so Red changes to a sleeper with body scissors. Cheers magically wake up Black, and he’s able to break free. Mercado takes out Gotho after he trips Black, which brings out Kooter Michaels-Cruise. Red’s dragon suplex gets two. Kooter takes out the ref and then turns on Red with a superchokeslam! Black grabs the pin.
WINNER: Rook Black via pinfall. Some nice work in here, but the constant outside interference definitely detracted from the wrestling part of the match. Not sure why the match continued after Kooter hit the ref. (**1/2)
Post-match, Kooter unmasks (to High Flyer’s delight) and rebrands himself as Kooter Johnson. He no longer wants to contribute to the demise of American culture. Eddie thoughtfully looks on from his presidential box.
– Backstage, Cameron Cruise asks a mystery man: deal or no deal?
– On a yacht, it’s time to rechristen D.C. Stratton as Dorchester Stratton. He runs down the reasons for his heel turn, which amounts to the wrestling world going on (Tsunami and Rayne replacing him with WildStar) while he was injured with a broken collarbone. But Calvin Carlton was there for him. He and the Hollywood Wrecking Crew respected D.C. As far as motivations go, it’s an oldie but a goodie. He says the fans, Tsunami, WildStar and Rayne were all using him. Now D.C. has what he wanted all along…somewhere he belongs.
– Backstage, Felix Red goes nuts and gives himself at least seven years bad luck by breaking a mirror.
5 – Brock Alyas vs. Cameron Cruise (Steel Curtain Cage Match)
Cage is covered with barbed wire and filled with hanging weapons, plus we’ve got coal miner gloves. Cruise tries to wrestle early, but he also goes into the barbed wire a couple times. Alyas then unloads with a pair of chairshots on Cruise for two. Powerslam on the chair also gets Alyas two. Staples to the back? Yeah, we’ve got that. Well, Cruise specifically, and to the back. Yowza. Cruise blasts Alyas with an iron for two. After raking Alyas on the wire, Cruise has a hammer and tries to remove Alyas’ skull from his face. Both guys are a mess as Cruise back suplexes Alyas for two. Alyas comes back with a head and arm suplex for two. Alyas flicks blood at the referee, who pulls a “Drag Me To Hell” and asks, “Did any get in my mouth?” Rollup by Cruise gets two, so Cruise naturally bulldogs him on the iron. This also only gets two. Cruise gets some chairs and targets Alyas’ shoulder, leading to an armtrap crossface. He lets go, only to hit a double arm suplex into Cattle Mutilation! Alyas gets a foot to the ropes, but Cruise stays on the offense, with a la magistral cradle and DDT for two more nearfalls.
Cruise grabs a ladder and dumps it on Alyas’ head. But Alyas then uses the ladder against Cruise, ramming him, and Cruise gets crotched on the barbed wire! Alyas unleashes more ladder violence, including some Brock-a-copter action and crushing Cruise with a spinning powerbomb onto the ladder. Elevator Drop on the ladder by Alyas gets only two. Now Alyas blasts Cruise with a charcoal chimney! Cruise fights back and catches Alyas with a Russian legsweep facebuster onto the ladder for two. Cruise goes back to work on the shoulder, hooking a barbed wire reverse chickenwing! Eventually, Alyas is able to push his way free, but lands badly.
The cage is unlocked, as medics check on Alyas. Cruise decides to help put his arm back together again with a screwdriver. They brawl, and Alyas back suplexes him, but gets totally screwdrivered as he hits it. Cruise is up first and drags Alyas to the door for an arm-in-the-cage-door slam. Alyas counters a crossface attempt into a scary head and arm suplex. Alyas rips off the door and sets it up on top of two chairs. DEATH VALLEY DRIVER ONTO THE CAGE DOOR! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Alyas finds some handcuffs and bashes Cruise with them before cuffing him to the barbed wire. Cruise takes three unprotected chair shots.
Unicorn Mask with a run in? He attacks Alyas, but here comes High Flyer with his bat. After two strikes, Unicorn catches him for a sitout powerbomb, but Alyas catches Unicorn with a running kick. Alyas tries to nail Cruise with a chair again, but Unicorn grabs the chair, only to take Flyer’s Locomotive (Yakuza kick)! Now Vic “The Bull” Tarano joins the insanity, freeing Cruise from the wire. Cruise wraps some wire around the cuffs and grabs Alyas for a dragon sleeper into a suplex. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Alyas comes back with a dragon suplex. Hollywood: “Crash 48’s Special Left 4 Dead Edition presented by Dennis Edward Mayfield! Stick around and you’ll find out what a Zombie Star Press involves!” Alyas covers, but Unicorn pulls him off at two. Flyer blasts Unicorn with a chairshot. Alyas hits the Extra Mile Exploder Suplex, but Tarano hits Alyas with the bolt cutters. Bull Rush (shining wizard) with barbed wire! Cruise wins.
WINNER: Cameron Cruise via pinfall at 20:33. That match was a bit too overbooked, and obviously very gory. Cruise should’ve picked up a clean win, and Unicorn and High Flyer’s involvement really wasn’t needed and may have hurt Cruise more than helped him. Cruise brought the psychology here, and Alyas brought the power offense, but both guys were pretty much spent at the halfway point and kicking out of murderdeathkill spots. Despite the over-the-top violence, they did tell a good, albeit incomplete, story. (***)
– Post-match, President Eddie Mayfield interrupts with a Presidential Emergency Service Announcement. He doesn’t like all the run-ins, especially involving the National Championship, so if anybody gets involved, they’ll have to answer to HIM. Meanwhile, behind Eddie, his minions are vanishing one by one. Eddie wants to light up, and a dirty hand offers him a light. JOE! HUGE POP as Joe attacks. Eddie flicks his cigarette at Joe and looks for an escape. Sahmon to the rescu–nah, Joe easily takes care of him. Joe sets the rail on fire! Eddie jumps onto the presidential drape, then jumps onto the heel banner, which rips into a neat visual as the “HEEL” banner now reads “HELL” and Mayfield’s face is torn in half. Eddie hurts his ankle as the Secret Service comes to his aid. JOE WITH A PLANCHA~! HOLY SHIT! Eddie crawls away, the raises the NFW World Title. Fade out on pissed off Joe as the skybox burns near the “Hell” banner. Awesome visual to close a very hot segment.
Final Thoughts: Another very entertaining show, no surprise. Eddie/Joe remains HOT, and is reminiscent of the classic Austin vs. McMahon storyline, but not in a bad “they’re ripping off the WWF” way. Oh, yeah, I said WWF! Lots of big developments this week, and I like what High Flyer’s up to with the unmasking angle. Also, I definitely prefer the highlight videos of matches more than the joined in progress that was going on last time. Give me a world with the Biff parade, and there’ll be nothing to complain about in NFW.