PRIME: Ultraviolence 2009 Report

-The Best of May 2009 is here! Nominate for the best wrestlers, matches, and promos of the month. Please take part and help promote your favorite feds and all the good work that’s going on in the wrestling world!

PRIME: Ultraviolence 2009 Report

May 24, 2009
Minneapolis, Minnesota

– Your hosts are Nick Nolastnamegiven and Richard Somethingorother. Richard warns us this show is ENOURMOUS. Tonight’s sponsor must be ExtenZe.

1 – Meat vs. Skillet vs. Chainz vs. David Noble (Anything Goes)

No, not THAT Chainz. Or THAT Meat, thankfully. This brawl gets started during the intros and continues throughout them. Noble makes his presence known by hitting a 720 shooting star press into the crowd(!), and finally the match becomes official. Eventually, Noble and Skillet actually go into the ring, while Meat and Chainz brawl in the crowd. Noble connects with a nice springboard plancha suicida onto everyone on the floor, getting the crowd going again. I’m beginning to wonder if they forgot about the ring as the fight continues around it. Maybe it’s a reverse match? Chainz slams Meat through the announcer’s table (well that didn’t take long).

Noble German suplexes Skillet on the floor. Fucking shit, guys. Well, it is called UltraViolence, I guess. Noble then makes his way to the second level and hits a 360 splash onto Skillet! Insane and stupid is right. Chainz smashes his fist through a vending machine. Mmmm….free blood-covered candy! *Drools* Noble is like a human highlight reel here, hitting a wall-assisted tornado DDT on Chainz backstage, but Chainz repays him in a bit with a powerbomb on the steel ramp. Finally, they use the ring a little bit for their brawl. Meat DDTs Skillet from the ring apron onto a steel chair. Chainz tosses Noble into some barbed wire and bleeds like a stuck pig. Meat attacks Chainz with a bat. Noble then gets the bat and does some damage to Chainz before hitting the Noble Ending (springboard backflip falling reverse Ace crusher) for the victory to become number one contender for the Intense Title.

WINNER: David Noble via pinfall. It was a crazy, violent spotfest to set the tone for the night for sure, with Noble shining with a few highlight-worthy spots and Skillet doing his best impersonation of a crash test dummy. Not a classic, but it definitely did its job, firing up the crowd. (**1/4)

– Backstage, Kazys Jankaukas and some chick named Elise arrive.

2 – Nine vs. Duke Williams (Dog Collar Match)

The winner must touch all four turnbuckles while dragging around the loser. Pretty dull match early until Nine hits a flying headbutt from the apron to the floor to pop the crowd and send him on the road to spinal fusion. Not too long later, Nine gets dragged into the steel post on the floor in a chain match staple. As Williams is about to hit the fourth buckle, Nine charges and tries for a springboard moonsault but gets caught and Williams rams him into the final buckle to get the win.

WINNER: Duke Williams. Neat ending. Bad match. (1/2*)

– Backstage, Devin Shakur and Christian Daniels arrive.

3 – Troy Douglas vs. Jason Natas (Falls Count Anywhere Match)

Natas is Satan spelled backwards! This one also starts before the bell. The ring is the loneliest inanimate object in the building tonight as these two fight around the ring and the announcers warn us that there won’t be much wrestling in this one. Ya think? WOOOOOO! BOOOOOO! WOOOOOO! BOOOOOO! Lots of stiff brawling here as we finally see a wrestling move in the form of a suplex (yes, on the floor). Douglas bridges the ring and barricade with a ladder, which ultimately ends up with Natas missing a leaping elbow drop. They finally head inside, and Natas bashes Douglas with a chair. Douglas gets back into the match, gets Natas down, and kicks a chair into his face. Natas blades and Douglas continues the chair-based offensive attack before whipping Natas into the ladder.

Natas counters some ladder offense and double stomps the ladder onto Douglas from the middle rope for two. Douglas’ nose is busted after that one. A Douglas clothesline takes both men to the floor for some more brawling. Douglas avoids a charge and Natas flies into the crowd. For some reason, Natas decides to pound Douglas with a trash can lid instead of a chain. More brawling leads to Natas being posted. Douglas busts out a figure-four around the steel post, but eventually can’t hang on any longer. After a slugfest, Douglas German suplexes Natas to the floor, waits, then nails a Fosbury Flop (no-hands shooting star plancha suicida). A bit later, Natas is caught by a chain-assisted European uppercut. Natas fights back and hits about four brutal chair shots. Douglas recovers and hits a lariat. They fight up a ladder, and Natas hits a New York Nightmare (some sort of underhook thing that was more just both guys jumping and landing badly) from the ladder to the floor to get the pin.

WINNER: John Natas. Fucking hell. This was a ridiculously dangerous stunt show that put the wrestlers through pointless risks and further devalues the gimmick match. (*1/4)

4 – Team VIAGRA (Mary-Lynn Mayweather & Tony Davis) vs. Wicked Ways (Velijumin Rippa & Scraps) vs. D.U.I. (Hank Cobb & Colby Korver) (World Heavyweight Tag Team Championship Match)

Cobb, lucky SOB, gets to put Mayweather into a bear hug. Davis, as usual, is playing with his Nintendo DS and doesn’t notice. Later, Rippa spinebusters Cobb so hard that Davis drops his DS, which Wicked Ways manager Ruby catches, leading to Ninten-sion. Outside, it’s High Flyer to the rescue as inside Rippa blasts Cobb with brass knuckles. Cobb bleeds, but kicks out at two. A bit later, Rippa gorilla presses Korver down onto Davis. Mayweather uses Rippa to launch herself at Scraps for a dropkick that sends both to the floor. The end comes when Rippa grabs Mayweather up top in a bear hug, leaps off, and splatters her for the win.

WINNERS: Wicked Ways to become new Tag Team Champions. Felt more like a comedy match with a few high spots thrown in than an important title match. Hey, at least nobody nearly died. (3/4*)

5 – Killean Sirrajin vs. Wade Elliott (Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match)

What stupid shit will these guys do to pop the crowd? Let’s see. For what it’s worth, I like the name Blue Collar Brawler. See? I’m not ALL negative. I’m pretty deep in and they’ve done nothing exciting or nothing I haven’t already seen tonight. Sirrajin gets tossed to a ladder on the floor. Elliot sets up Sirrajin on the announce table and goes up on a ladder, but only he goes through the announce table. Elliot blades after a brutal chair shot. Sirrajin becomes the meat in a ladder sandwich, leading to chair brutality. While this would probably kill anybody else, Sirrajin of course makes a comeback and tosses Elliott through a table in the corner. This is all very sigh-worthy. This match is what all the PRIME fans were marking out over? Long matches filled with stupid unrealistic violent shit does not equal GOOD matches, people. This thing finally ends when Elliot superplexes Sirrajin off an 18-foot ladder through a table. Richard screams “This is UltraViolence!” Yeah, and it sucks thus far.

WINNER: Wade Elliott. Ridiculous crap barely even resembling a wrestling match. (1/4*)

6 – Christian Daniels vs. Lindsay Troy (Grudge Match)

Daniels is a 7-footer eerily familiar to the Underbiker. Troy in control early, hitting a nice backflip DDT and other quick aerial moves. A senton with two rotations gets her two. Daniels catches Troy as she tries for a dive to the floor and rams her into the ring before unloading on her with punches. Daniels works over Troy’s arm, but Troy with a nice counter into Thy Kingdom Come submission. He powers up, hits a sideslam, but she doesn’t let go. But Daniels is finally able to break free by ramming Troy to the buckles, and she responds by nailing him with a tope con hilo on the floor. Troy busts open Daniels with repeated knees. Back inside, Troy connects with a shooting star frog splash for two. A 720 splash/Asai moonsault/standing shooting star splash combo only gets two. Wow it only took us halfway through the show to get a real match. Troy busts out a nice corner hesitation dropkick, further opening Daniels, a Sasuke Special into a rana, and a front flip neckbreaker for two.

Momentum changes as Daniels turns her corkscrew plancha into a backbreaker. Daniels pounds away on Troy and connects with power moves, getting a nearfall after a powerslam. Gorilla press into an inverted lungblower gets two. After a snake eyes, Daniels looks to put her away, but she hangs onto the ropes and is able to hit Final Judgment (pedigree) for two as Daniels gets a foot on the rope. Troy heads up top, but corkscrews into a goozle, and Troy goes through the announce table from the ring! Holy shit! When Daniels gets her back inside, he looks for the Knockout Blow (snap fisherman DDT), but she rolls through, and they end up back where they started and Daniels plants her for the three. Post-match, he pulls out a chain and makes threats of violence. “One more to go.”

WINNER: Christian Daniels via pinfall. Now see. That’s a wrestling match. Actual wrestling moves in the ring, which lead to the eventual meaningful big table spot. Best match of the night so far. (***1/4)

– Backstage, Universal Champion Jason Snow promises to bring the violence in the main event.

7 – Jonathan Rhine vs. Hessian (Intense Championship)

Hessian is 7-3 and has a gigantic beard. He’s what Hagrid from “Harry Potter” might look like after a few no-rope barbed wire matches. Announcers are breaking kayfabe here for no apparent reason, calling wrestling “fake”. Ugh. And Hessian is also known as the Murder Show. Lovely. There is just really nothing interesting going on here, mostly brawling and big man moves. Yawn. First pin comes after a 22E boot to the chest. Later, Rhine takes a nasty fall from the buckles to the floor as he avoids a Hessian punch. Rhine unleashes some groin-based offense. Later, Hessian lands a jackhammer from the second rope for two. Sadly, the fans seem to only pop for really dangerous falls or the arrival of weapons, which happens once again as they crash to the mats and then dig out tables and a ladder.

Back inside, Rhine reverses a powerbomb into an Ace crusher for two. Later on, Rhine flies into a table shot (the ultra-gimmicked table breaks into pieces) for two. Later in an obviously choreographed spot, Rhine pulls down the ropes for a “charging” Hessian, who falls over onto the ladder bridging the ring and apron. Rhine fallows with a swan splash to the ladder. Eventually, steel steps, the guardrail and broken glass are introduced as weapons. Both guys bleed from the glass as the pace slows even more with both guys tired. Later, Rhine pounds on Hessian with a chair. End finally comes when Rhine picks up Hessian and spinebuster slams him into some glass for the three.

WINNER: Jonathan Rhine via pinfall. Oy. Pretty long match filled with pretty dull stuff for the most part. Big man offense can’t hold my interest for as long as this match dragged on. *1/4

– Backstage, 5-Star Champion Kaiser Vashaun gives a DUD of an interview. I think PRIME is lowering my IQ by the second.

8 – High Flyer vs. Kaiser Vashaun (2 out of 3 Falls 5-Star Championship Match)

Fall 1 sees Flyer take over early with a clothesline that sends both men to the floor. Flyer hits a swinging neckbreaker, but a short time later Vashaun whips Flyer to the rail and clotheslines him. Back inside, Vashaun snake eyes Flyer and tries for more, but Flyer evades and hits the Locomotive (running Yakuza kick) for the quick three to go up 1-0. Note to PRIME: after seeing guys kick out of ridiculous murderdeathkill spots all night, this is really bad booking. Yet another reason hardcore is bad for business.

Fall 2 sees Vashaun take over after a spear and a choke toss suplex. But Flyer comes back with a double arm DDT. Later, Flyer tries a springboard, but Vashaun catches him in a sort of exploder suplex for the three to tie it at 1-1. Two pins in about 7 minutes for a championship, guys? Really? Why did they even bother with this stipulation other than to have a stipulation?

Fall 3 sees Flyer take over early with a German suplex, setting up a 450 splash for two. Hey, somebody kicked out of a cover for a change! After a dropsault, Flyer brings a chair into the ring. The ref reminds Flyer that this is not a No DQ match. Vashaun grabs the chair, swings and misses, allowing Flyer to hit a roaring elbow into the chair and Vashaun’s face for two. Vashaun catches Flyer but then takes a spinny bulldog into a crossface. He’s able to crawl to the ropes for the break. Flyer gets caught by a spinebuster for two.

Vashaun misses Flyer and tumbles to the floor, so Flyer hits a corkscrew plancha suicida to the floor, and suddenly the fans care about Flyer (big spot = cheers, wrestling = barely any fan reaction thus far, although the booking hasn’t helped). Flyer tries for offense from the apron, but Vashuan catches him and tosses him onto the steps. Back inside, Vashuan gets two. Vashaun hits a belly-to-belly suplex, but Flyer reverses a powerbomb into a rana. Small package by Flyer gets two. Vashuan follows up a Samoan drop with a sick powerbomb into the corner buckles. Out of a gutwrench, Vashuan drops Flyer on a knee, then hits Weight of the World (F5 into a DDT) for three.

WINNER: Kaiser Vashaun by winning two out of three falls (two pins). Pretty disappointing match that lacked flow and drama, despite a couple cool highspots. The third fall was better, but not good enough to rescue this thing. Might want to reconsider renaming that belt. (**1/2)

– Backstage, Hessian is confronted by Jonathan Rhine, Duke Wiliams, Chandler Tsonda and Meat. Hessian badmouth girl. Rhine angry! A 9-iron beatdown is interrupted by some freaky dude named Rezz wielding a chainsaw. Who am I supposed to cheer again here? Four guys who gang up on one guy, or the guy who hangs out with a chainsaw psycho? PRIME’s bookers have some anger issues to work through.

9 – Tyler Rayne vs. Devin Shakur (Bullrope Match)

HOLLA if ya hear me! As these guys brawl for about five straight minutes, Nick lets us know that “this won’t be match of the year in terms of entertainment and drama.” Cut and paste that blurb about eight times and you’ve summed up each match tonight rather nicely. Outside, the first interesting part sees Rayne and Shakur each lock in an ankle lock on the other. More on the floor, as Rayne hits an Asai moonsault onto a chair and Shakur, bulldogs him on the steps, lands a standing shooting star press, and hits a German suplex on concrete. Holy hell. More mindless brawling, murderdeathkill violence, and lots of blood fill out the rest of the brawl-on-the-floor portion of this match. Back inside, the brawling continues. Shakur hits Good Times, Painful Memories (roundhouse kick) for two. Two? Why is there a pin attempt? Isn’t this a bullrope match? Urge to kill…rising. Rayne hits Varga’d (small package driver) for two. Teddy taps out here and fast forwards to the end, which sees Shakur hit Holy Shit (think Pepsi Plunge but Shakur drives Rayne into his knees, which you’d think would actually hurt LESS than a Plunge, but hey…) to finally end this abortion. Post-match, Shakur further assault Rayne in bit that drags on and on, including the arrival of Christian Daniels and a bunch of bikers. EPIC BULLSHIT.

WINNER: Devin Shakur via pinfall. Awful match that lost me very early with the garbage wrestling. The hardcore stuff is just losing its impact match by match here. (DUD)

10 – Chandler Tsonda vs. Garbage Bag Johnny vs. Jason Snow (Hell In A Cell Universal Championship Match)

I was *this close* to giving up on this show tonight. Good thing I didn’t. First nearfall comes after Snow Samoan drops GBJ onto Tsonda in a neat little spot. After some fast-paced brawling, Tsonda nails GBJ with a bulldog/Asai moonsault combo for two. A bit later, GBJ gets some revenge with a Trash Compactor (fisherman’s DDT) on the floor. Snow steals the cover, but only gets two. GBJ isn’t feeling too “glad” after a “hefty” kick to his balls from Snow. Tsonda’s springboard corkscrew body press drops Snow for two. Tsonda pounds away on Snow until GBJ dropkicks Tsonda from behind. Tsonda misses a spear and flies to the floor. GBJ is feeling suicidal, but Snow nails him with a reverse DDT for two. Tsonda blasts Snow with a chair from the floor, but gets into a tug-of-war with GBJ over the chair. GBJ gets chased and he climbs the cell to escape, giving Snow an opening to hit a suicide dive onto Tsonda. GBJ watches on from above as Snow murderizes a now bloody Tsonda. Tsonda reverses and bashes Snow’s skull into the floor as GBJ leaps off with a Dumpster Dive. GBJ tries to rape the steel post with Tsonda’s face, then whips Snow into the post.

GBJ grabs a chair and blasts Tsonda in the face. Again, Snow steals the cover, but GBJ breaks it up. Now GBJ tries for a cover, but Snow breaks it up to make a cover, only for GBJ to kick Snow and make the cover. Snow breaks it up again, but this time he gets caught by Tsonda for two. Snow gets another nearfall with a rollup after a vicious clothesline and whip to the corner. After a moonsault on GBJ, Snow looks for another, but decides to target Tsonda, only to take a chair shot to the face, and Snow blades. Tsonda wins a chair duel after a drop toe hold into a home run shot. Only two. Golgotha drop (implant DDT) by Tsonda gets two. Snow’s back up, grabs Tsonda and superplexes him to the floor. Snow forgets to sell it and waits on Tsonda to get up to finish him, but GBJ is stirring. Snow sees him rushing, slides in, tries for Snake Eyes (superkick) but gets low blowed. Tsonda and GBJ brawl until Snow flies into them and the cell wall.

At this point, Hessian heads out to GLARE! Match continues, but Hessian feels ignored and rips a section of the cage off. All three are mesmerized until Snow decides to hit Snake Eyes on GBJ for two as Tsonda breaks it up and tries a pin of his own, also for two as GBJ kicks out. Tsonda heads up top and flies right into GBJ’s shins. Snow contemplates hitting Snake Eyes on Hessian, but GBJ tosses Tsonda into Hessian. GBJ dropkicks Snow, who falls through the cell opening. Snow once again forgets to sell injury and clotheslines GBJ. Here comes the chain! GBJ avoids getting his by the flying cage, so Snow bridges the guardrails with it, grabs GBJ, and catapults his face into it. Tsonda blindsides Snow with a chair shot and rams Snow into the cage a few times. The only one not bleeding now is Hessian.

Snow is able to get the chair, but GBJ runs over the broken cage and soccer kicks the chair into Snow’s face. Tsonda gets the chair and blasts GBJ. Runway Vault (Diamond dust) on the chair from the broken cell piece. With the cell entrance blocked by Hessian, Tsonda decides to ram GBJ’s face into the cage for a while, perhaps trying to break open another section of the cage. No luck, so Tsonda begins climbing, followed close by GBJ, as Snow climbs on the other side of the cell. GBJ gets Tsonda, does a 180 electric chair drop through the announce table! Snow starts to head down, until a hobbled GBJ starts climbing the cage. With both guys up top, they evade finishers, but Snow hits Snake Eyes on his second attempt, and GBJ flops off the cage down onto the broken piece of the cell bridging the guardrails, bending it in half upon impact. Crowd goes silent and medics head out, but Hessian won’t let them get to GBJ.

Tsonda’s back up, grabs and chair, and goes to meet Snow. With Hessian dealing with the medics, Tsonda and Snow get back in the cage. Snake Eyes into the chair takes down Tsonda. Meanwhile, Hessian chokeslams some referees. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO for Snow. Hessian grabs GBJ and heads back to the cell and dumps him in the ring. Snow crawls over. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Tsonda breaks it up. Tsonda covers: ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! GBJ kicks out. Snow hops up to the second rope for a SNAKE EYES~! Fuck that was cool. Nick hasn’t seen this many snake eyes since Aug. 18, 2006, the opening day of “Snakes on a Plane.” Enough is enough! Nick’s has had it with these motherfucking snake eyes in this motherfucking match! X-Rated moonsault connects for the pin. Post-match, fans cheer Snow for his performance until Hessian attacks and hits a Hellavator. They tease a Hessian/GBJ alliance as we fade out.

WINNER: Jason Snow via pinfall. A great main event that delivered with solid in-ring action, innovative spots, and smart booking to go along with it. Snow needs to learn to sell big moves a little better, but otherwise, not much to complain about here. (****1/2)

Final Thoughts: While the main event was pretty much must-see material, the rest of the card, aside from Noble’s one-man stunt show and the Troy/Daniels match, is pretty dull to outright painful to watch in places and was reminiscent of a loooong and bad Extreme Championship Wrestling show. Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.