Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
Schmucks correspondant Kenny “No-Sell” Thomas recently ran into the self-professed “Sports Entertainment Icon”, Trey Vincent at a Hooters resturant in Minneapolis. Here’s what he had to say…
How the hell are you?
Well, let’s see. I’ve got tons of money saved up from sports entertainment. I’ve got money pouring in daily from Trey Vincent Private Investgation Services Inc. I’ve got the BOB ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Me, Seth Harker and Steve Studnuts are ruling BOB. I recently just bumped into a chick whose greatest ambition in life is to become a softcore queen. And I’m in PIW, where I can finally start to seek vengeance on everyone who was a part of jOlt’s demise. And the best part? I’ve had, ZERO sports entertainment matches in PIW! And I’m more ‘over’ than the ENTIRE active roster. Plus, the booze is flowing on a nightly basis and I’m in the best shape of my life. I am a Sports Entertainment Icon, the Franchise Player and everyone’s TV champion. But you know what? I got where I did by suffering for a lot of years. I’ve earned my spot, by any means necessary.
The Schmucks are buying, so what are you drinking?
Screw the interview, I’ll shut down the bar! Don’t make offers you can’t hold up buddy. I dunno. Beer is my main choice of drink I suppose, though I do enjoy mixing in a few shots of vodka. Don’t know if that drink has a name or not, I think someone told me it’s called a Beer Buster…but….yeah. That’s good stuff right there.
What was the first wrestling event you ever went to?
Mud Madness 1993. My dad brought me. Great stuff there. They had this goofy ass tournament in some strip club or bar or whatever. He was a cop so he obviously could get me in even though I was underage…eight chicks in a one-night tournament. They went into the mud and beat the crap out of each other. It was around that basketball tournament in March. So after one chick would get pinned, they’d hose off the winner and she’d advance to the next round. There was a young Trey Vincent, seeing these hot chicks going at it for money in mud. All I could think was “now that’s entertainment.”
What were you like at school?
(Long pause.) Hmm. Well, I guess I was a bit of an arrogant prick. Didn’t have a lot of friends, but most of the idiots there were losers. I was your average student I guess. Went to a lot of parties, late on a lot of days. It was more about popularity than grades or the ‘school’ aspect I guess. It was like, social life first, school second. I bounced around from slut to slut and used friends until they were no longer of use. Did my share of drugs and drinking….but I finished and got a bit more serious when I went onto college and started in the criminal justice program. I always hated studying though. My biggest joy was getting through a book or chapter and tossing the book out of sight for a few days or whatever. I have one of those minds where I can pretty much absorb everything, but I hate the process. But my talent for absorbing is especially helpful in this business when you have to remember your lines for promos and segments.
If you weren’t a wrestler, what would you be?
I’d probably do the private investigation full-time, but I’d be doing it on television. When you look as good as Trey Vincent looks, and have the off the charts charisma, you have to be on television in one form or another.
What’s your most treasured material possesion?
I just got a kick-ass, I guess it’s called a digital TV…one of those wide-screen dealies with the crystal clear photos. Dude, you haven’t seen porno til you’ve seen porno on my television. 65 inches…..the screen I meant.
What’s in your pockets right now?
BWAHAHAHAHA. My hands. Let’s see. Besides the obvious one-eyed trouser trout, we’ve got…oh…about $400 in fifties….a cell phone…notebook and pen…..my wallet, with my credit cards, license, rubber, all the usual stuff. Keys to my Pathfinder. My personal phone book contacts for PIW and business.
What was the last record you brought?
Finger Eleven’s last CD, the one with that cool song “Drag You Down.” I got the “XXX” soundtrack for the movie. Mushroomhead’s CD. A Lords of Acid remix album. A couple more that escape me at the moment….I always go on music binges, so I usually get five to ten CDs at a time.
Who’s the wrestler you most looked up to during your early years?
Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan. Just for the way they were able to hold the crowd in the palm of their hands, whether it was as a heel as Flair was and Hogan as the face. And then of course when Hogan became the star in multiple areas, that was impressive. And then when I found out about how great they were backstage, damn. Even more impressed. Those guys….geniuses in their prime. They knew they were the best and they made it happen for as long as they could. It doesn’t matter if both of them helped kill WCW, NWA or someone else’s career. They made it, and they will be remembered. This game is survival of the fittest, and those two bastards are old pieces of shit now and should get off my television, but what they did in their prime was masterful. Even Hogan did good after his prime with the nWo-era business. Hey, if I can work six dates, get millions of dollars and be given the world title on a silver platter whenever I want it, you know where I’ll be in 20 years.
Who was the last person you punched in a non-wrestling context, and why?
There was a case I was on a little while back this year. A guy got pissed off since I found he was banging some little POA on the side while his, well, majorly overweight, but majorly rich, wife was at home taking care of their two kids. The guy took a swing at me, and I had to calm him down (laughs). It happened outside the hotel. He took his ho to a hotel, and I caught him. That job is such fun at times.
What was best match you ever had?
That would probably have to be either the scaffold match I had in the EWS where I won the European Title in a triple threat match, or where I won the first of no doubt many world titles in BOB, when I beat The Geek and Bohemoth in a two-fall, two-title triple threat match to win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and Seth also won the Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind Hardcore Title. That was a good day.
And the worst?
Auryn. My last drunken attempt at a match I’ll EVER try again. He was some scrub with a supernatural gimmick, but the only thing scary about him was how untalented he was.
What’s your pet hates?
Not a big fan of crabs. As a pet or otherwise.
What’s your culinary specialty?
Well, the chicks love this bit where I take my tongue and kind of rotate it really fast and….huh? Oh, you meant cooking? Um. I don’t cook. At all. I go out to eat or order in. So I guess my answer is opening bags or packages of food that I don’t have to cook, or picking up utensils in a restaurant.
Have you ever been arrested?
Arrested? Yes. Charged or convicted of anything? No. I’ve had plenty of drunken incidents which are best forgotten, especially the one with the monkey. (Shivers).
What’s the greatest film ever made?
“GoodFellas.” The philosophy from that movie is just great. Fuck over anyone you have to as long as it helps you and yours. If I had the patience for morons, I’d form my own sports entertainment mafia, though I suppose that’s what I’m doing with Seth and Studs with the iAd in BOB to some extent. There just aren’t enough entertaining people in this business.
If you could meet one person, living or dead, who would it be?
Raylene. The hottest redheaded porn star I’ve seen.
What’s the worst injury you’ve received in your career?
I’ve had some pretty nasty headaches. Never doing that hardcore shit again.
Which celebrity would you most like to punch, and why?
Freddie Prinze Jr. Why? He got Buffy. Bastard.
Do you like reggae music?
Can you recite a line of poetry?
Hickory dickory dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
I dumped the bitch on the next block, OH!
An orgasm. Or watching live Hot Drunk Lesbian Action in the privacy of your bedroom.
Where are you off to right now?
Well, I’ve got to head off to PIW “Massacre.” I’ve got some funny stuff planned for Wippit Guud. I gotta call the agents and see where the hell I’m going. I think it’s San Jose…but all the places are the same really. Same faces, just different names. But I am the most entertaining there is, was or ever will be and I’ve got to let the losers of the world live vicariously through me wherever I go. And that’s my final answer.