SHOWrestling eScape Report
February 25, 2009
From San Diego, California
– Opening video package.
– Your hosts are Ryan Harms and Bill “The Ladies’ Personal Human Vibrator” Yeager, who briefly run down the card.
– SHOWPrimetime Champion Shawn FX starts the show by announcing nobody is worthy enough to face him. Nobody comes out to answer his open challenge, so he wants to be declared the winner? This is like that old “if a tree falls in the woods and nobody’s there to hear it, does it make a sound?” question, right? Except, it’s, “If a champion issues an open challenge, and nobody’s there to accept, does the champion win via forfeit if nobody even accepts the challenge?” Malik Roland’s music hits, but it’s all just a silly swerve, as nobody comes out. FX rips into the San Diego Chargers fans for some cheap heel heat. But then, David Daniel Tyrrell’s music hits, leading to…
1 – Shawn FX vs. David Daniel Tyrrell (SHOWPrimetime Championship)
Basic stuff to start before DDT gains the advantage with some chops. FX nails a Greco-Roman eye poke before unleashing some chops of his own on DDT. FX works on the knee then heads up top for a double ax handle that doesn’t connect. DDT rams FX into the turnbuckles 10 times before heading up top for a missile dropkick for two. After a thumb to the eye 2.0, FX nails a Tiger bomb on DDT for the pin. Post-match, FX is pelted with garbage (oh, what an unfortunate thing to happen on Free Garbage Night!), then gets a “kick me” sign stuck on his back as he leaves.
WINNER: Shawn FX. Short, basic squash match to get the crowd riled up. (3/4*)
– Meanwhile, Uncensored thanks Morpheus for the main event match.
2 – Troy Adams vs. Sadistic (No Holds Barred)
Apparently, Adams cost Sadistic the SHOWorld Championship, thus the stip. After Adams fills the ring with some plunder, he Pearl Harbors Sadistic with a suicide dive during his entrance. Adams tries to unmask Sadistic, which fails, but while Sadistic tries to find his eyeholes, Adams brings out the thumbtacks. Goozle by Sadistic, but Adams reverses into a DDT onto the tacks. We’re less than 30 seconds in and we’ve already had a huge thumbtack spot with no buildup or tease? Oh boy…Adams nails Sadistic with a trash can for a grand total of six times before once again going after the mask. A ring general, Adams is not. Sadistic fights back, but gets endures a trio of knee kicks. A dropkick sends Sadistic into the tacks again. Adams finds a chair and targets the knee before bashing him in the skull for a two count. Sadistic tosses the chair away and goozles Adams for a chokeslam onto the tacks. Sadistic sets up a table in the corner before powerslamming Adams through it. Adams then gets tossed over the ropes through a table on the floor. Sadistic drags Adams back inside looking to finish off the match, but takes a nut shot and a reverse DDT onto the seat of a steel chair. Adams crawls to get a briefcase (the tacks, chairs and tables weren’t hardcore enough?). Briefcase shot, and the SHOWHardcore Championship falls out, so Adams heads to the middle rope and smashes him in the face using the belt for the pin.
WINNER: Troy Adams. Ugh. Nothing to see here. Bad match. (1/2*)
– Meanwhile, The Don visits Morpheus in a seemingly pointless segment. Morpheus sums up this segment nicely: “Fuckin’ hell.” That’s exactly how I’m feeling so far.
3 – Uncensored vs. Nik VanCore (SHOWorld Championship Escape to Freedom Match)
Interesting stip here, as whoever leaves the cage loses the match. Stare down to begin things, with Uncensored getting the first punch in. After some brawling, Uncensored rams NVC into the cage a few times and nails a main event spinebuster. Uncensored locks in a Boston crab, but NVC is able to push his way out and finally break the submission with some heel kicks. Uncensored gets rammed into the cage, and then raked across the fence. After a pair of leg drops, NVC locks in a sleeper, but Uncensored charges backward into the cage a couple times to break the hold. A vertical suplex into the cage by Uncensored is followed up with an ugly belly-to-belly suplex into the cage. Stomp, stomp, stompity stomp stomp. Uncensored then nails a sweet super spinning wheel kick into a leg drop. Very nice. Uncensored taunts NVC, telling him to leave. NVC lays the spit down on Uncensored. Censored Material connects and Uncensored again tells NVC to GTFO of the cage. For this, he gets bitch slapped. Uncensored goes chimpanzee on his ass and NVC is busted, possibly hardway from the nose. A “fan” hops the rail at this point, punches out two referees and gets into the cage. The cage is raised and security grabs the “fan.” NVC uses the distraction to hit the Quo Vadis Classic. Long stall before Uncensored climbs up to the ceiling for an impromptu monkey bar challenge. Uncensored eventually sets up a hurricanrana from the ceiling. Fans think that was awesome.
At this point, Team No Respect (Stevie K, Dagan, and Chyler) head out for some screwjobbery. Stevie cuffs Uncensored to the cage. Uncensored eventually gets superkicked by NVC, then NVC hits him with a chair. NVC gets a mic and demands praise. The cage is raised, and Uncensored screams as he’s hanging by one arm. NVC says the cage will be lowered when Uncensored agrees to walk out of the cage. Uncensored won’t, so he gets a mic beating. Two more chair shots for Uncensored. Since the violence didn’t work, Stevie brings out Jessica Styles, Uncensored’s wife (or possibly fiancé). ANOTHER chair shot. NVC licks and kisses Jessica, then threatens to hurt her, which does the trick, and Uncensored agrees to leave the cage. Jessica cries as we cut to credits.
WINNER: Nik VanCore. It started out decent, but degenerated into non-action, overbooking, unnecessary violence, and sexual assault. This match had no redeeming value. (*1/2)
Final thoughts: What a depressing show. Three forgettable matches, with all the heels winning? Jeez, give the fans SOMETHING to cheer about if you’re making them pay for a show. Recommendation to avoid.