The “Not” Keith Rant For BSCW Bloodfest Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s Bloodfest

Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling has been a staple of these pages since its’ inception. And while recent cutbacks have seen BSCW’s operations stripped back, they recently returned to Pay-Per-View with “Bloodfest”. Was it worth the cash I poneyed up to watch? Let’s find out, shall we….

-Preshow, we get a video package detailing the history of “Deadly” Derek Irvin and Whiskey Jakk, who are in the the main event tonight. This is followed up with shorter spots that bring us up to speed with very other scheduled match. In a nice touch, even the participants in the Battle Royal get some promo-time.

-And we are LIVE from Suffolk Downs racecourse in Boston, Massachuetts! Matt Heath and Bil Withonel are our announcers, as per-usual. They play mic-tag as they plug the matches. Hot crowd.

-Odin Trollslayer arrives to plug a forthcoming BSCW/NEO supercard, getting in his shots on Derek Irvin in the process. He doesn’t overstay his welcome, either.

Brian Deegan vs “The Icon Killer” Matt O’Riordan

Deegan gets some in-ring mic-time before the match, O’Riordan responds in kind from backstage. He abrubtly reconciles with Deegan and gives him a “welcome back” gift of a framed photo of the O’Riordan and Deegan boys as kids. Of course, he gives it to him over the head, thus setting two records in one. (Fastest PPV Bladejob and Earliest SWERVE of the Year.) He works over the cut until Brian armdrags him. Some joint armdraggery occurs until O’Riordan begins to pummel the forehead again. Deegan chops back and gets a sunset variant for 2. He avoids a clothesline and hits a springboard bodyblock for 2. O’Riordan catches Deegan as he attempts the sunset flip again and tries to use Brians’ Deegan Driver on him. Deegan rolls through, cradling for 2. He hits a nice headscissors, clotheslines O’Riordan to the floor and bodyblocks him off the top. After a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it braw they return to the ring, where O’Riordan hits an invert DDt off a criss-cross. He works the leg, using a Boston Crab, then gets a bridged German for 2. Two more suplexes follow for 2 more. Deegan flips out of a fourth suplex and superkicks O’Riordan into the next timezone. O’Riordan recovers first and rolls a double-leg takedown into a pinning combination, getting 2 before Deegan bridges out and hits a Tiger Bomb for 2. A “Deegancanrana” gets 2. The “Mind Eraser” spinning kick and a springboard moonsault get 2 more as Deegan builds the momentum, only to get dropkicked in the knee. O’Riordan ups the points for pyschology as he goes to the figure-four. Deegan makes the superman comeback, reversing the hold until O’Riordan makes the ropes. O’Riordan avoids an enziguri and goes for the anklelock, Deegan boots him in the mush and loks in a Texas Cloverleaf instead. O’Riordan won’t tap out, so Deegan hits a Fishermans Buster for two-and-a-bit. He misses a shooting-star frogsplash(!!), O’Riordan gets a two-count. Gutwrench powerbomb gets 2. O’Riordan completes the pyschology by dropkicking Deegan in both the knee AND the ankle, but can’t get an anklelock on. He hits a brainbuster and heads out for a chair. Deegan launches a tope suicida at him, running cranium-first into O’Riordans Barry Bonds-esque swing. He’s content to win by count-out, but Deegan makes it back in at 8. O’Riordan misses a swandive headbutt, Deegan locks in a crossface on him. (Wow, BOTH guys are dipping into the Benoit Bag O’Tricks!) Matt reaches the ropes and hits a wheelbarrow suplex for 2. He continues to work over Deegans ankle, this time with a chair, until Deegan reverses a full-nelson into a neckbreaker. It gets 2. Deegan tries to go up, but it’s like an ascent on Everest due to the injured knee. He makes a heroic effort, then misses a Flying Something, which was also missed by the cameraman. O’Riordan applies the anklelock for the tap-out. ***3/4 Solid wrestling, with a perfect ending given O’Riordans knee-based attack.

-Postmatch, O’Riordan dishes out a few more lumps to Deegan. Shannon Stevens makes the save. In a wacky coincidence, Sid Starr, a NEO wrestler Deegan will face in an upcoming tournament, is in a front row seat. He gives Deegan some static, getting bitchslapped and ejected as a result.

-The Suicide Kings arrive to taunt the fans. Final score, Spikyjim 99, Fans 0…

-Backstage, Goo and Blockbuster Bob share interview time.

-Elsewhere, “Bastard Deluxe”, Andy “No Soul” James cusses and accuses his opponents of having funny names. For a man with a double-tiered nickname, that’s a stretch…

-Also elsewhere, Chris Pike plugs Powerade and annoys Ronan Aleaxander.

Battle Royal

We return to ringside with only the last few participants still to be introduced, continuing the nice tight pacing of the show. Blockbuster Bobs’ hiliarious “Rocky” piss-take gains points for featuring James Brown himself! Bob’s excessive beergut gets the biggest heel pop of the the night so far, though… The usual Pier Twenty-Fiver breaks out from the bell, with Devin Burke quickly eliminated by Hell on Earth. Dexter Hodges bodyblocks Ceaser Risley, and both are history. The tag teams in the match pair off as we lose Boz and Shane Alexander. Well, the dead wood is clearing nicely! Chris Pike decides to employ the Lawler Strategem, rolling out and practising the Art of Not Being Seen beneath the ring. Vladimir Stukowski goes all Iron Curtain on Laramees’ ass as no less than five guys quit the ring to brawl on the floor. That solves the usual lack of space problem you get in a Battle Royal. Hell on Earth load up the plunder, with Vince Viper bringing out the barbed wire. He busts open Stevens with a barb-wire wrapped punch and knocks him inot the moderately-priced seats. Laramee gets the first chairshot of the match, courtesy of LaGrange. He can’t be eliminated, though as he had the forethought to handcuff himself to the top rope. Brian Taylor hits a springboard van Brianator on LaGrange as the Hell on Earth brawl with the Dreamboys on the floor. El Pollo Loco eliminates himself and GORILLA Kazuo with the CHICKENCANRANA OF DOOM! (With eleven herbs and spices!) As the chaos continues, Moo and Goo team up. (Yeah, like I didn’t see THAT coming!) They annihilate Andy James with a suplex/neckbreaker combo as The Young Hellions use their secret weapon on Stukovski… MONEY! The Evil Soviet accepts the fistful of Benjamins and pummels Goo. Moo gets tossed by a temporary five-man alliance. Fargo gets dropkicked off the apron by Blade Jin taking out Blacktop in a table-rending spot. Blacktops’ partner Rebel gets backdropped through a second table, possibly feeling left out. Kristoff St Livingston and David Donovan are low-bridged by Goo, and they’re done. Oops, spoke too soon, as Donovan clings to the apron like a limpet. Goo learns why you don’t engage in a slugfest with a guy wearing barbed wire on his fists and is eliminated by Viper. Stukovski unloads on Stevens with some FORMERLY SOVIET VIOLENCE, as LaGrange takes the phrase “Stick a fork in him, he’s done!” a shade too literally. Stevens gets dumped by Stukovski, with Donovan getting the assist. Half of Hell on Earth and The Dreamboys gets eliminated together, followed seconds later by the other two. (Who up the ante by taking out a table on the way.) We suddenly get a shot of what appears to be Vince Viper commiting an indecent act on Laramee. Luckily, he’s just retrieving the key to Laramees’ handcuffs. Viper beats him to a pulp and tosses him, then gets eliminated by LaGrange during his celebration. Blade Jin runs into a ballshot at Mach 2 and gets thrown into the eight row by Donovan. He pairs off wuith LaGrange as Kotani employs the little-known “Taunt The Fat Guy With a Chocolate bar” strategy on Blockbuster Bob. Vlad Stukovski uses an authentically-Russian side-Russian legsweep on LaGrange and double-teams him with Donovan. James makes the save, only to get leveled by Donovan. Pike returns from his vacation beneath the ring at this stage, sneakily tossing out Donovan. He helps James to beat down Vlad, then James proves to be just as sneaky, eliminating Pike from behind. Kotani throws his Baby ruth into the crowde, then tips out Blockbuster Bob as he chases the candy. As Vlad chokeslams both LaGrange and James, Bob proves to be a bad sport, dragging out Kotani from the floor to brawl back to the locker room.

Final Four: Vladimir Stukovski, Brian Taylor, Travis LaGrange and Andy James. Stukovski and LaGrange pummel Taylor as James backs off and waits. Taylor is quickly belly-to-back suplexed right out of the ring by Vlad. LaGrange tries a quick bodyblock on Vlad, leaving nthem teetering on the ropes. James tips both men out to win. I don’t rate battle royals, but this wasn’t half bad.

-Backstage, Shrapnel has words for Todd Royal.

Shrapnel vs Todd Royal (W/Megan Skye) (BSCW North American Championship)

Shrapnel jumpstarts the match, dropkicking Royal off the apron prior to the bell. He hits a sweet springboard 450 bodypress and they brawl on the floor. Royal bounces Shrapnel off evrything in sight before running headfirst into a C-4. Shrapnel heads back inside, then gets lowbridged attempting to knock Rpyal off the apron again. He loads up the plunder as Royal showboats, and launches into some TRASHCAN LID VIOLENCE. Royal jawjacks him and chops away. Shrapnwel no-sells, hitting a short clothesline. He sets up a table and brings Royal back to the ring. Oh, and a ladder and a pair of tables. DDT gets 2 for Shrapnel. He goes up, Royal catches him at the top. They slug it out, Royal gets suplexed off the top, taking out the table on his way to the ground. Shrapnel brings some fluro tubes into the match, breaking one over Royals melon, then choking him out with another. The second tube shatters, and Royal bleeds hardway from the neck. That’s not a nice visual… Shrapnel hits a “No Mans’ Land” onto the final fluro tube, then goes up the ladder. He misses some sort of dive onto Royal, smashing his own head into the turnbuckle. (Well, that just brought painful memories of Owen Hart rushing back…) Royal pins for 2. He argues the point with the ref, so Shrapnel hits the “Dispersement” Van-Shrap-ernator for 2. He spin-kicks Royal to the floor and hits a mammoth springboard tope. Back inside, he sets up his tables and ladder and plants Royal on one. Shrapnel goes up with a chair, risks a fifteen-yard penalty with a throat-slash sign, then hits an Arabian Guillotine off the top for the pinfall and title. Man, Royal got NOTHING in this one. *1/2 Big bumps a-plenty, but just didn’t do a thing for me…

-Postmatch, Shrapnel beats Royal down, then puts him through a flaming table, THEN “breaks” Royals leg witha chair. I know there’s nothing like going out with a bang… but this was WAY excessive!

-Backstage, Debonair talk a little and cuss a lot.

Debonair (Matt James and Tyson Bryson) vs Kill Army (Reverend Black and Lupo Blanco)

I think this is for the tag titles, but since the match kicks off with James being hurled through the entranceway by Blanco before the intros, it’s only a guess. The other two hit ringside, causing the tragic loss of some innocent sporting equipment and some severe damage to gardening tools. They make it to the ring, but the match still resembles a drunken barfight in a Pizza Hut, so it’s nearly impossible to recap. Within seconds, Debonair take the high road to avoid a shovel-wielding Black, hotfooting it through the fans. Blanco is armed with a croquet mallet by now. (Adding 1/4 of a star for NOT stooping to the SLEDGEHAMMER OF INEVITABILTY!) Bryson evicts fans from their seats, tossing them at the good Reverand. Black KO’s a complete Cletus of a fan and beats the holy hell (pun DEFINATLEY intended) out opf Bryson. Bryson uses the MALTED BEVERAGE OF ALCOHOLIC DEATH to turn the tables and wallops him with his own shovel. We cut to James and Blanco in a kitchen, beating each other with a Microsoft X-Box! No, I have no idea where they found it, but it’s a shoo-in for a “Keithie” nomination. Bloanco hits the first wrestling manuever of the match with a belly-to-back suplex while Black and Bryson start the requisite Concession Stand Brawl. Bryson makes use of mustard and licorice, which only makes Black hungry, it seems. He chows down on Brysons’ forehead, then drags him into the mens room. We’re treated to charming Visual #2, as Bryson gets dunked into an extra-wide, extra-long urinal. Black puts him head-first into a mirror as we pick up with James and Blanco, who’ve taken their fight to a silver-service resturant. Blanco hits a balcony dive onto James, putting him through a table, then tries to bottle him. James fights him off with a table leg and piledrives him onto the remains of the table. Both parties return to ringside, with James having liberated a sheet of glass from somewhere. Bryson DDT’s Black on the ground and sets up a table, then spinebusts Black onto a folded ladder. Inside the ring, James gets 2 off a Falcons’ Arrow on Blanco, just to remind us this is still technically a wrestling match. Blanco gets backdropped into the glass-loaded corner, landing in the Tree of Woe, Bryson baseball slides his head through the glass. Contrived? Just a little…. Bryson splashes him off the ladder for 2. Hart Attack gets 2 before Black saves. He chairshots Bryson and brings in some more Hardcore Weapons. He goes all Tiger Woods on James with a 9-iron. (I’d have used a putter for a close-range shot myself…) Kill Army toss out both members of Debonair, then Black backdrops Blanco onto them. They double-spinebust James. Blanco uses a grater on him, then jams a trashcan on his head and both take turns kabonging him with assorted weaponry. Even MORE weapons come out, courtesy of Bryson. he nails Black with a cowbell, then catches a twisting splash off the ladder by Blanco, turning it into the Dirtnap for the pinfall. ** The hilariosly over-the-top opening and the backstage shenanagins were great. Once it returned to ring, however, the match degenerated into a parade of weapon shots and gimmicky spots. Sometimes it pays to quit while you’re ahead…

-Backstage, Taurus ponders his future in wrestling.

Taurus (W/Richard “Truck” Harris) vs Seth Harker (W/Coma)
(Finisher Only Match)

Some trash-talking occurs from the bell. Negotiations break down quickly, leading to some punching and shoving. Harker unleashes some PARTS UNKNOWN VIOLENCE and double-reverses a whip, hitting an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Pinfalls don’t count, but Taurus kicks out quickly anyway. They exchange pleasantries again, Taurus catches Harkers arms on a shove and suplexes him. Harker lands on his feet, ducks a clothesline and tries a corkscrew bodypress. Taurus fields him like a flyball and hits a Fire Thunder Driver. He clotheslines Harker out of the ring, Harker holds on and skins the cat back in. Taurus charges blind, Harker low-bridges him, doing the splits in the process. He pops the crowd with a corkscrew plancha onto Harris and Taurus. Back in the ring, Harker gets caught on a blind charge, Taurus just plain and simply beats the crap out of him with some evil-looking knees and elbows. He tries for the Gaijn Death Drop, Harker scales his opponent and attempts a Frankensteiner. Taurus simply powerbombs him half-way to China. Harris sets up a table on the floor as Taurus hits a German, then sends Harker from the ring to the table with a Zero Straitjacket Suplex in a painful-looking spot. He sends Harker into the steps, then brings him back to the ring. Harker has bladed. He lowblows Taurus and hits a dragon sleeper-to-backbreaker, then a hammerlock-to-legsweep, and finally a hammerlock-to-bodyslam. I feel like I’m playing Tekken with all these combos… Harker works the arm until Coma helps out by dragging Taurus to the floor. Harker baseball slides Taurus and lays in some kicks to the head, bouncing Taurus’s skull off the guardrail. That’s just MEAN… Coma sets up a table as Harker nails a springboard bulldog of the railing. He places Taurus on the table, then returns to the ring to hit a twisting Judas Air. Well, SOMEONE’s put his working boots on tonight… They both sell the move for a while as Coma and Harris get into some fisticuffs. The two fight to the top of the ‘Tron, Harris takes out the Comic Relief, hitting a Truck Stop on Coma all the way to the ground. Well, that was seriously unexpected… EMT’s cart off Coma and Harris as Harker dips into Spikyjims’ playbook, hitting the Drunk Driver invert brainbbuster on Taurus. He tries to end things with the Nightbringer moonsault, Taurus rolls out of the way. He tries to powerbomb Harker, BUT YOU CAN’T… Oh, wait, I guess you CAN powerbomb Harker, as Taurus flapjacks the facejam attempt and hits a spinning Doctor bomb. Taurus applies a Stetch Plum, then hits a pumphandle powerbomb when Harker fights his way out. He applies Harkers’ Darkness Falls submission hold onto him, then turns it into a suplex. Harker bails, ballshotting Taurus on the floor. He attempts the Judas Air a second time, Taurus catches him in mid-air and posts him repeatedly. He drills him with an inverted cradle brainbuster on the floor and goes up top. His attempt at hitting the Nightbringer on Harker backfires, Harker goes up to show him how it’s done. Taurus rolls away, Harker lands on his feet on the ground. He ducks a clothesline launches a Railrunner Clothesline at Taurus, running into a mother of a superkick. Back in the ring, Harker blocks the Gaijin Death Drop and locks in the Horns of Taurus. Taurus escapes, Harker goes to the Darkness Falls, turning it into a sleeper drop. He goes on a tear, hitting a crossface halo and low dropkick. He decides to give Taurus the Gaijin Death Drop, Taurus counters and sets him up for a powerbomb off the second turnbuckle. This is countered sweetly into a springboard DDT by Harker. He misses the Nightbringer again, once more landing on his feet and tries a Dragonsteiner. Taurus catches him, climbs the buckles and hits the Death Drop for the win. **** I’ve accused Harker of turning in half-assed performances in the past, but he looked seriously motivated here. Factor in a typically top-notch performance by Taurus, the usual BSCW tightly-paced timing and we’re probably looking at the best match of his career to date. The Stunt Bump mid-match was a shade jarring, though…

-Meanwhile, Despair has a few brews while cutting a feature-length promo.

-Elsewhere, William Payne responds on behalf of Inoue.

Despair vs Sykopath vs Asama Inoue (W/William Payne and GORILLA Kouzo)

Inoue clears the ring from the get-go, dominating both his opponenets with some raw power. Despair and Skyopath quickly team up to beat him down, hitting knee smashes and baseball slides in the corner. They spinebust him and set up for the old Quebecers cannonball. Despair tries a little treachery, turning it into a victory roll on Sykopath for 2. They do some flippy-floppy stuff, Inoue joins in and Sky-Highs’ Sykopath onto a fallen Despair. He tries a German on Sykopath, who reverses it. Inoue clings to the ropes to block, so Sykopath vaults the ropes, stungunning Inoue in the process. Despair hits a nice tope onto both men and brawls with Sykopath. Inoue unleashes some JAPANESE VIOLENCE on Despair as Bil Withonel goes off on a sureal tanget about his penis. Despair brings out a kendo stick and beats Sykopath like a dog/government mule/red-headed stepchild until Inoue breaks that up with a baseball slide. He drags Skyopath back to the ring and hits five rolling suplexes until Despair comes out of nowhere with a crossbody for 2 on both men. Sykopath takes control, loading both men into a corner for a double Diamond Dust. He breaks out the plunder and hands out chairshots to all and sundry. Arabian facebuster from the top scores on Despair, Inoue puts an end to his flurry with a release German. Chair-enhanced legdrop gets 2. Sykopath hits a handspring elbow, but is laid out by a chair-wielding Despair. DDT onto the chair gets 2 for Despair. He works over Sykopath with Inoue. Inoue cradle suplexes Despair for 2, then drills him with a backdrop suplex and powerbomb for 2 more. Despair uses the MISTY FIRE EXTINGUISHER OF DOOM and bulldogs both men onto chairs. He brings out the barbed wire and delivers Pointy-Lariats all round, then makes himself a Barbed-Wire Kendo Stick. Double flying kendo stick clotheslines result, Inoue recovers to hit a belly-to-belly suplex and goes to his shoot-fighting moves with a leglock. Despair makes the ropes and bails to the floor, getting caught in a springboard blockbuster off the steps by Skyopath. They brawl on the floor, with Skyopath hitting the “Mental Illness” Van-Syk-anator off the ringsteps. He brings out a handy-dandy Brick-Loaded Sack and gives Inoue a shot in the gonads with it for 2. Despair breaks it up and beats on Inoue, who bails. Despair sets up a pane of glass between two chairs and puts Sykopath through it with a Poison Frankensteiner. Even Bil thought that looked contrived… Sykopath takes a second to do a gory bladejob as Inoue comes in to put Despair in the Miracle Lock. Sykopath boots the hell out of Inoue, trying to make him break the hold. Inoue abrubtly dragon screws him and puts an STF on Sykopath. Despair chairshots Inoue to prevent a tap-out, only to have Kazou steal the chair from the apron. (Setting himsef up for a Mental Illness as Sykopath explodes off the mat.) Kazou sells like a pro, literally hurling himself off the apron. Inoue takes the opportunity to hit three rolling Dragon suplexes, then a release version that dumps Sykopath right on his head. That was a scary sight to behold. It gets 2 before Despair makes the save. He slices Inoues chest with some barbed wire-enhanced chops and piledrives him on a chair for 2. They fight out to the apron, where Skyopath hits a stunning slingshot Double Diamond Dust on both of them. That’s doubly impressive, as it appears Sykopath is now wrestling with a minor concussion. He dumps a section of guardrail on Despair, then DDT’s him onto it. Despair joins the Crimson Msk society as Sykopath places the railing over him and hits a splash off the apron. He heads back to the apron, Inoue bullrushes him off into the guardrail. Inoue drags him back inside and beats the ever-loving, living, breathing snot out of him with some of the stiffest shots I’ve seen in years! Spinning Doctor bomb gets 2. Despair returns to the fray, with a tornado DDT on Inoue and a Michinoku Driver on Skyopath. It gets 2. He takes Inoure to the top buckle and gives him a wicked belly-to-belly moonsault for 2. Inoue reverses a waistlock and hits the Shuttle Loop Buster flapjack suplex for 2 before Sykopath breaks up the pin. Inoue gives him the Shuttle Loop Buster, Sykopath lands on his feet and it’s GORE GORE GORE on Inoue. Sykopath brings out the tables, then plays a quick game of catch with Despair, using chairs instead of a baseball. Sykopath finally hits another Mental Illness on Despair and spears him through a table. He gives Inoue the “Hospitalizationer” gutwrench piledriver on the floor and hits the Syko Krusher on Despair. Inoues drags him off at 2.999 as The Suicide Kings run-in, taking out Payne and Kazou on the outside. Spikyjim uses the dreaded BLUEBERRY KOOL-ADE SPRAY OF DOOM on Sykopath and delivers the Drunk Driver. Inoue stiffs the hell out of LaGrange and suplexes Spikyjim before Despair legsweps him onto a chair. Liger Bomb gets 2.99999. A second is reversed into the Oni-gatame. He won’t give in, so Inoue just CRUSHES him with a Demon Buster Driver for the 3-count. ****1/2 Sublime skills and incredible energy shown all round, especially considering the length of the match. The run-in was logical, and thankfully didn’t turn a great contest into a screwjob.

-Postmatchy, security is required to seperate the Suicide Kings and the New Abortions at ringside.

-Backstage, Spikyjim prepares for acton in a badly-placed pre-taped segment. (Seeing as he was at ringside not ten seconds ago during the pull-apart brawl) A little sloppy, Mr Producer…

-Meanwhile, The Scrayper gets all Old Testament on us.

Spikyjim vs The Scrayper (W/Mr Spize) (BSCW Cruiserweight Title Match)

Spikyjim appears (In the David Copperfeild sense of the word) in the ring in his “Kuroi Tenshi” guise. As this means both men are now wearing white masks, it’s more than a shade tricky figuring out who is who… Thank God they’re wearing different coloured tights! Spiky/Tenshi hits a belly-to-belly throw and wrist clutch exploder suplex. (The extravagantly-named “Grace and Beauty of Devastation”, apparently…) It gets 2. A pumphandle slam is reversed into a superkick by Scrayper. he hits a Yakuza kick as Withonel accuses him of no-selling. Leave the overly-biased insider cracks to me, Bil! Scrayper staples SpikyTenshi mask to his head as the lights go out. Spikyjim does his own run-in, giving Scrayper a chairshot that registers on the Richter scale. Tenshi turns out to be Spikys road agent in a mask, incidently. Spikyjim introduces Scrayper to a kendo stick and hits a White Russian Legsweep for 2. Spikyjim shatters the cane on The Scraypers head and gets 2 more. Scrayper reverse a whip, but hits nothing but shoe leather on a blind charge. They head to the floor, with Spikyjim hitting a nice plancha and bodyblock off a chair. He returns Scrayper to the ring and lands a springboard legdrop onto his chair-loaded face for 2. Scrayper spears Spikyjim as he tries the chair springboard again and hits a butt-ugly moonsault. Like, Chyna in a garterbelt Ugly. Top-rope legdrop gets 2. Spikyjim takes a Yakuza kick that sends him to the floor and draws colour from his nose, Scrayper follows him out with a corkscrew plancha. They brawl out into the fans, bringong out the Hardcore Aluminium Trashcan. Scrayper hits a rana and finds a table beneath the bleachers. Now that’s a stroke of good fortune, finding the arenas’ Spare Table Repository like that… He tries to put Spikyjim through it from a few rows up, Spiky slips out and sentons the Scrayper through instead. Spiky continues the HARDCORE SCAVANGER HUNT OF DEATH by finding a roll of duct tape beneath the cheap seats. He secures the Scrayper to a table with the tape. (Which HAS to be the EXTRA-GRIP variety, or I’m just not buying this…) Anyway, a moonsault puts both guys through it. Heading back to the ring, Spikyjim decides to prove that the pen IS mightier than the sword, finding one under the ring and stabbing the Scrayper in the head with it. Okay, ick! Bridged Tiger suplex gets 2. Spikyjim goes for the Living End, with Scrayper busting out a counter even uglier than the moonsault. Spiky hits an exploder suplex, a backdrop driver, and finally a dangerously uncontrolled Dragon suplex that wipes out the timekeepers table. He misses a 450, Spiky boots him around like a football and hits a senton splash from the ring to the floor. He sets up a table on the floor, takes Spiky to the top and hits a Fire Thunder Driver through it. Sabu is now looking at this ad thinking “Neeeh, it’s a bit spotty for my taste…”. It gets 2 in the end. Spikyjim crotches Scrayper and gives him a top rope DDT, which the Scrayper sells like he just got biffed with a feather duster. He suplexes Spikyjim and puts a few staples into his skull. Next up, he attacks him with a pair of scissors. This is just getting fucking unwatchable! Brainbuster on a chair gets 2. Scrayper brings in a sheet of glass for the Big-Ass Bump, Spiky dropkicks him into the ropes and hits an Arabian facebuster. Spiky hits a cringe-inducing Vetebreaker onto a chair for 2, then a Dunk Driver. Scrayper kicks out at 2, so Spikyjim hits the Grace and Beauty of Devastation. it also gets 2. Spikyjim launches a spear, plunging headfirst through the pane of glass the Scrayper uses to defend himself. The Scayper hits the Dream Scream for the pinfall and title. *3/4 Started well enough, then it was brawl, spot, brawl, spot, blade, blade, blade… and eventually, Scrayper just killed any heat Spikyjims finshers had with his non-selling. And it was just plain gruesome in the “Head-Maiming” middle third…

-Postmatch, Spiky takes out the ref.

-Backstage, we get final thoughts from Irvin and Jakk.

Whiskey Jakk vs “Deadly” Derek Irvin (BSCW World Championship, 2/3 Falls)

The first fall is a Streetfight. With BSCW’s somewhat relaxed attitude towards tables, chairs and stapleguns, I’m curious as to how the define the stip. Irvin uses Jakk as a punching bag in the early going, until he runs into a Clothesline From Heck on a criss-cross. Jakk slingshots him into the corner and hits a legsweep. Irvin takes the low road, kicking Jakk so hard down South, he’s probably wearing his nuts for earrings about now. DDT, then a Tornado version as he works the arm. Jakk returns the crotchkick with interest and tosses Irvin. He whops him a few times with a kendo stick, Irvin blades. White Russian legsweep into the guardrail from Jakk, who brings out a cooler full of ice and just pounds Irvins forehead into mashed potatoes with it. Jakk hits the most recklessly dangerous move I’ve seen all… well, week… but I watch a sinful amount of bad SUPER-EXTREME HARDCORE federation tapes. Anyway, it’s basically a hands-free piledriver onto the ice, meaning Irvin should be counting his blessing he can still feel anything below his neck at this point. He brings Irvin in and up top, Irvin reverses a top-rope powerbomb into a high-impact hurricanra. Irvin gets 2 on the resulting cover. He calls the troops to ringside, but Odin Trollslayer stares down the members of Greed, who decide discretion is a better part of not having you ass kicked. Jakk removes a turnbuckle pad and gives Irvin four consecutive Snake Eyes onto it, the last from a military press position. He brings out a glass-encusted(!!) chair and busts Irvin open six ways to sunset with it. (This fed has GOT to throttle back at times, or some schmoe is going to fucking well die!) Jakk hits a moonsault while holding a chair for the first fall.

Second fall is submissions only. Irvin suddenly goes into Technical Overdrive, applying three holds in as many seconds. He finally settles on an anklelock, Jakk eventually powers out. Jakk hits a belly-to-belly and goes to a bearhug. Irvin rakes the eyes and switches to a sleeper. He turns it into a sleeper drop and works the leg again, hitting repeated legdrops on it. He puts on the Ringpost Figure Four, then uses a unique Mexican Surfboard/Dragon Sleeper combination. Jakk powers out and hits a stunner before getting caught in an armbar. Jakk powers out again and they fight over a Gory Special. Jakk eventually hits a crucifix powerbomb, then gets his SpikyAss Chair kicked into his own face. Irvin put on a Fujiwara armbar, Jakk is KO’ed so the ref awards the fall to Irvin.

Final Fall… Last Man Standing. Jakk suddenly revives, only to get caught in an arm trap neckbreaker and tossed by Irvin. He nails the Space Flying Tiger Drop and Implants Jakk on the ramp. He takes the Stunt Bump, splashing Jakk from the top of the Vail-Tron. Both men are up at 9. I guess someone will actually have to stop breathing to lose… Back to the ring, Jakk sprays the MutaMist and hurls Irvin into the railing, then dumps part of it in his melon. I hope like hell Irvins on danger money! Jakk wraps his boot in barbed wire and punts Irvin in the face with it, then uses the ringbell on him. They bring out some assorted weapons, Irvin takes a glass pitcher in the face… and NO-SELLS it! He DDT’s Jakk onto a cinderblock. He sets up a table and and belly-to-belly suplexes Jakk off the top rope. He drags himself out of the splinters at 9. enziguri from Jakk, he puts Irvin hed-first through a table in the corner. For an encore, he gives Irvin a Jakked Up powerbomb through a flaming table. Thankfully, this is deemed sufficiently life-threatening enough for Irvin to take the ten-count. Jakk retains the title and we’re out of here. This was difficult to rate for me. It felt somewhat disjointed, and I spent most of the match waiting for the coroner to arrive and toe-tag Irvin after one of Jakks’ insanely dangerous spots. Call it ** or thereabouts.

The Bottom Line: A pretty good return to Pay-Per-View for BSCW, although the final couple of match were excercises in Excess. (Especially the Spikyjim/Scrayper chunkblower…Maybe the PPV’s title should have tipped me off?) Still, any event with 3 matches rating higher than three-and-a-half stars is well worth having in your collection.

Recommended.

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