Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s “Bloodfest ’01”
Hi guys, “Not” Keith here again with another Retro Rant. Recently, Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling surprised this jaded reporter with a tremendous Pay-Per-View in the “Shane Delany Tournament 2001”. To find out if this was their usual standard or just good luck, I headed down to the Video-Vault to track down their previous show. Enough set-up, let’s get into BSCW’s “Bloodfest ’01”!
-We are LIVE (at the time) from Pawtucket, Rhode Island. Our commentators are Matt Heath and Bill Withonel. They run things down for us. A “Bongo-Drum-On-A-Pole” match sounds… interesting… That’s Rhode Island for you, I guess.
Opening Match: Citizen-X vs. Andrew Sampson (w/Lila)
Citizen-X faces a pink slip if he loses this one. Not suprisingly, he tries to jumpstart proceedings. Sampson blocks a kneelift and hits a spinebuster. Anklelock, X makes the ropes. From the lockup, Sampson delivers with some educated knees. Underhook suplex. Sampson rolls into an underhook brainbuster, then an underhook Backbreaker. He hooks in the Divine Retribution (still a VERY cool name for a submission move) and it’s over.
* It was a squash, but Sampson showed a ton of potential early in his BSCW career.
-Justin Possible hits the ring. He runs down Citizen-X, cutting a killer heel promo and challenges him to one final match in BCSCW. Citizen-X accepts and we have;
Citizen X vs Justin “Possible” Keith (No relation)
Slugfest start is won by Justin. He spears X out of his boots. Headlock and some kicks to the noggin send X reeling. Two northern lights suplexes and a spinbuster follow. Geez, who did X tick off in the locker room? Justin Pedigrees X for the 3. He’s not finished, however, setting up two chairs. He hits a “Screw Driver” on the chairs. Is he done? Hell, no! Justin proceeds to set up a pane of glass across the backs of the chairs. X takes Da Blockbuster Surprise through the glass and this massacre is finally over.
**3/4 Squash part two, but I guess if you’re on your way out of the federation, you may as well go out in a big way!
-The night goes from bad to worse for X as Co-commisioner Hannibal Carver arrives. (w/branding iron) X gets a permanent reminder of his time in BSCW.
Da Old Timerz (S.D Jonez and “El Loco” Jose La Parka) vs. Significant Brothers (“Bad Religion” John O’Riordan and “The xtreme Icon” Brian Deegan) (Bongo Drum On a Pole Match)
S.D Jonez? Better get a stopwatch ready… La Parka starts with Deegan. Headlock to Standing Blockbuster. Parka blades 8 seconds into the match. Yowza. Tag to O’Riordan. S.D runs into a spinning DDT. Deegansault scores on La Parka. Jonez is tossed, O’Riordan hits the Sacrifice Underhook Bomb. He tags Deegan in. Parka is double suplexed to the floor. Jonez, a true sucker for punishment hits the ring and gets stereo crotchshots. The Significance wipes him out. O’Riordan retrieves the bongos and gives quick performance before busting open Jonez with it.
* The Squash trilogy is complete. Let’s move on.
“T-Dawg” Timby (w/Anna-Marie) vs. Mr M.A.K (W/ Ms. Beastiality) (Hardcore Title Match)
M.A.K jumpstarts the match with a clothesline from acroos the ring. Big brawl, Timby bails. MAK (Enough with the periods, already) takes flight, but he’s caught mid-plancha and powerslammed to the mat. Cover gets half. Greco-Roman boot-in-the-balls turns it around for MAK. He DDTs Timby on the ramp and sets up a table. Anna-Maria makes the save, pulling the table away before MAK can hit the M-Cutta. Spinebuster from Timby. He finds barbed wire and wraps the table with it. This takes a while, allowing MAK to recover. Reverse DDT from MAK, who then chases Anna-Maria. Ms Bestiality blocks her path and applies a “Mr Beaver” Glove-puppet Claw. MAK steals Annas’ “Leather Bag Full of Thumbtacks” (The ULTIMATE fashion acessory for valets this season) and pours thumbtacks on the wire-wrapped table. Smell the highspot! Timby has bladed bigtime (Off a reverse DDT? That’s pushing it.) MAK hits yet another DDT. (An Ultimo DDT, just to keep things fresh) M-cutta attempt is reversed into an ugly neckbreaker. Timby goes for a chair. Placing it on MAKs face, he hits a top rope elbow. MAK bleeds the hardway, possibly even suffering a broken nose in the process. They tease a tablespot, MAK gives Timby a stungun to escape. Van MAK-anator scores. (When will they learn? If someone throws you a chair, HIT THEM with it!) MAK ups the ante by setting the table alight. He climbs the ropes, and gets crotched. Timby hits a Norse Power Chokeslam through the TABLE OF DOOM for the easy three-count.
*1/4 Not much to see here. The whole match was simply a set-up for the flaming table bump.
Matt Maelstrom/X-Kalibur vs Hellz Angelz (Tag Team Title match)
Big face pop for Hellz Angelz as they enter. The challengers attack before the bell, send Armageddon to the floor. Maelstrom and X-Kalibur double-team Doomsday, including a nice spiked Tumbleweed legdrop. X-Kalibur goes airborne to nail Armageddon as Matt tries for a submission in the ring. Doomsday makes the ropes. Maelstrom drives Doomsday into the corner and pummels him. Tornado DDT. Mack (Not M.A.K) runs in as Doomsday is set up for a Suicide Sonata. He belts X-Kalibur with a pipe to draw a cheap DQ.
DUD The whole match had a rushed feel to it. Lame ending, too…
-Postmatch, The Angelz and Mack destroy Maelstrom and X-Kalibur.
Jabroni Mahoney/Senor Jabronie vs Teacher and Clown (Ultimate Jobber Championship Match)
Four-way trainwreck in the middle signals the start of the comedy match. Mr Jobcore (Teacher) and Senor brawl in their own.. unique way. Jobcore atomic drops Senor, hurting his own knee in the process. Tag to Jabronie. He hurts his back on a suplex attempt. Jobcore tags in Slade. Slade dances. And makes balloon animals. (Or at least, balloon Modern Art) Mahoney puts on a sleeper. Slade uses an oversized clown shoe to escape. Warm-ish tag to Jobcore. He falls over. Mahoney helps him up, Jobcore lowblows him. Figure-four leglock, Snor runs in, but trips on the balloon animal. Mahoney submits, Jobcore wins the belt.
3/4* For the balloon animals, 1/4* bonus for Bills’ assesment of the match (“That sucked a llamas’ ass”… nice turn of phrase, Bill!)
Matt Maelstrom vs Vic “Tim Dogg” Simmons (Intercontinental Title Match)
Matt is pulling double duty tonight, after his tag maytch. He’s no-selling the beatdown he recieved from the Angelz. Vic arrives with an entourage, and a DJ. We waste a ton of time with a rap and dance sequence. finally, we’re underway. Punching and kicking dominate the early going. Vics’ attempted chop-block earns a knee to the head. Matt locks in an STF. Vic rakes his eyes repeatedly, then bites his hands to make him release the hold. Facebuster and Tumbleweed legdrop gets 2 for Matt. He applies a chickenwing, Vic drags him out through the ropes. We go to a chair-fest on the outside. Scroddy Johnson also arrives to attack Matt. Matt sucker-punches him right in the Johnson… HEY! Bill is stealing my gag! Scroddy is DVD-ed through a table. Back to the ring, where a spinning neckbreaker gets 2 for Maelstrom. Tornado DDT, no cover. Blind charge misses, Matt gets hiself hung on the Tree of woe. Baseball slide drop-kick from Vic. Matt blades. Splash Mountain powerbomb gets the win and the title for Vic.
3/4* It just isn’t happening tonight…
Taurus (w/Hannibal Carver) vs “Hot Sh!t” Rick Sturgis. (Mask vs. Gimmick)
Taurus and Carver tall on the outside, so Sturgis hits a tope suicida on both of them. Hot start. Carver legsweeps Sturgis on the floor. Inside, Taurus hits two dragon clotheslines and a samoan drop. He covers, but picks Sturgis up at 2. He works the arm with a Fujiwara armbar. Sturgis reaches the ropes and bails. Taurus gives chase, running into a sunset flip that smacks his head into the guardrail. Sturgis hits an Asai moonsault off the rail, then a sitdown facebuster on the floor. Taurus blades. Sturgis misses a bodyblock, landing heavily on the rail. Carver and Taurus hit a twin White Russian Legsweep on Sturgis. Taurus sets up the table and Sturgis takes a Super Gaigiin Drop through it. He rolls Sturgis in a applies the Horns of Taurus for the submission.
**1/3 Hot, hot match, but needed a lot more time to develop it. A could-have-been.
-Post-match, Carver intros’ Gemini and the re-united Zodiac pose.
Main Event: World Title Match (w/ Commisioner Odin Trollslayer as Guest Referee) Justin Keith (w/sheet of glass) vs Phillipe LaFleur (w/Pepe)
Stall-a-rama to start. Justin gets the best of LaFleur early, working the leg with an STF. He switches to a Dragon Sleeper variant. LaFleur uses a Firemans carry to counter. Leg-drop and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! LaFleur uses the camel clutch, Trollslayer makes him break because it’s boring. No, really, that’s the reason he gives. Good call, that man! Headlock sequence leads to Phillipe taking two flying clotheslines. He turns a third into a nicely-timed belly-to-belly that hangs Keith in the Tree of Woe. The Paris Avalanche scores. Inverted cradle piledriver gets 1. Back elbow is ducked, Keith spears LaFleur. Viciousness (ie. punching and kicking with a cool name) results. Diving elbow gets 2. Blind charge gets two French leg-drags from LaFleur. The Sacre Bleu (Spinning DVD) gets 2.9! Northen Lights is reversed into the Lost Marbles. (O-kay) Pedigree gets 2, foot on the ropes saves LaFleur. Keith complains about Trollslayers count, so Trollslayer decks him. LaFleur covers, but Odin is playing to the fans. Pepe complains, Odin smacks him around and puts him through a table with the “Shit That Hurt” Powerbomb. The significant Brothers hit the ring. O’Riordan distracts Trollslayer, as Deegan and Keith hit a double missile drop-kick. The “Deadly Trio” pose. The lights go out. They come back on, to reveal the Rebel has arrived and KO-ed all three of the Trio. He drags LaFleur over to cover and retain.
*1/2 A bit overbooked, and nothing too spectacular.
The Bottom Line: An early effort from BSCW, and it shows. Interesting to see the early form of Sampson, who can only improve, and the Taurus/Sturgis match had real potential. This fed has only one way to go… and that’s up.. I look forward to following their progress.
Thumbs squarely in the middle.