Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for BSCW Detonation 2001
Okay, so I was going to review WTFL Wrestlemania II… but I picked up the wrong tape from Xenomorphs collection. So, here’s an unexpected review of Blood, Sweat and Chairs, “DETONATION 2001”!
-We are LIVE from The Joint in Lost Wages, Nevada! Hot opening, as Philliple LaFleur gives a rendition of “Viva Las Vegas” to pep up the crowd. Commentator Bill Withonel is somewhat underwhelmed, although Matt Heath seemed to enjoy it. They do their usual good job of bringing us up to speed on all the match-ups. The card sounds good… so let’s get right to it! Oh, wait, my mistake, let’s go backstage first!
-Backstage, Ronanan Alexander interviews Matt O’Riordan about his upcoming match.
Matt O’Riordan vs. Lt. Buzzcut
Lt. Buzzcut? Wasn’t he a G.I Joe figure? Anyway, he’s got a 129-pound weight advantage on the sub-200 pound O’Riordan. Sensibly, O’Riordan blindsides him before the bell, drop-kicking him off the apron to the guardrail. Matt deliers a clothesline on the floor, and rolls the loot back in. Matt shows he studies the classics by hitting a bell-ringer (the old-school “Set him up in the piledriver position and then just jump” move) and goes to an armbar. Smooth transition to an anklelock, Buzzcut makes the ropes. Matt continues the fast offense, but is caught and slammed hard off the top, landing on his face. Buzzcut goes to the Iron Claw.(!) Matt fights out with an ugly-looking head-scissors takedown. Phillipe LaFleurs’ compaion “Pepe” arrives at ringside, joining the French announcers table briefly. O’Riordan hits a football tackle to take down Buzzcut and works the leg. He attempts a figure-four, but Buzzcut powers out. Matt charges blind and runs into a sleeper drop. Short-arm clothesline, and Matt takes a Military Bomb to the floor for the count-out loss.
3/4* Not much to speak of for an opener, although it had potential.
-Backstage, Andrew Samspon recieves an urgent message.
Mr M.A.K (w/Jack Daniels, Mark “Da Man” Mathers, Vehicular Homicidal Mutilator, and Ms. Longsmuttname) vs. The Rebel (w/Blacktop and Bunn) (No DQ)
There’s so many people at ringside it looks like a Battle Royal… MAK and Rebel brawl from the get-go, with MAK hitting a “Painful Experience”. (The most honestly-named move in sports entertainment?) More brawling, Rebel blocks a “Dark Dragon” and ducks a clothesline, hitting a hangmans neckbreaker instead. A well-executed dropkick and short-arm clothesline score for the Rebel. He misses a discus punch, MAK hits a bridging belly-to-back suplex for 2. MAK locks in the Dark Dragon, which involves repeated headbutts to the back of the Rebels cranium. Ouch. Bill gains my admiration by bagging both George W. Bush and Hulk Hogan in successive sentences! The Rebel makes the ropes, but MAK won’t break. So Rebel simply falls backwards onto him! He pummels MAK, but hits a kneelift to the turnbuckle on a blind charge. MAK goes up and hits the Violent Decapitator. He rolls out for the chair, and we have an impromptu Lumberjack match as Four Q brawls with Blacktop. MAK tries for a Violent M-Anator, but FINALLY someone does what I’ve been saying for years… The Rebel ducks and nails MAK with his own chair! Confederate Drop on the chair gets the win for The Rebel.
** Short, but not bad. Good ending, too.
-Backstage, Matt O’Riordan tries to recoup from his loss by chatting up J.C Swingers’ valet, Tina. Swinger is less than pleased. Well, it beats the hell out of a hot cup of coffee for a feud-starter…
“Barely Of Age” Brendan Deegan vs. Vic “Tim Dogg” Simmons (w/ Scroddy Johnson and The Nubian Nightmare) (Hardcore Title Match)
Vic and co. bring shopping carts full of garbage to ringside. Vic sports a tennis racket (Jim Cornette’s booking?) studded with glass. Deegan meets him on the floor and hits a ballshot 5 seconds in. Implant spinebuster into a shopping trolley sends garbage flying everywhere. Nice visual. Deegan punts Vic around like a football briefly. Vic finds a silverware set (Now there’s some originality!) and blades Brendan on the arm with it. He tosses Deegan back in and brings some garbage in for laughs. Deegan is whipped to the ropes and tries for a garbage can shot, but Deegan hits a spear instead. Nubian Nightmare hits Deegan with a reverse DDT from behind. Deegan lands on the garbage can. He no-sells it, spearing both Vic and NN. He side-slams Nightmare onto a tray, who bails. Vic hits ballshot #2 and an Ace Crusher. He drops an elbowdrop while holding a baseball bat, then uses the same weapon to apply a nasty-looking hammerlock. Deegan powers out, and Vic takes the Flair Flip into the Tree of Woe. Deegan retrieves the garbage can and baseball slides it into Vics face. Nice spot! Whip is reversed by Vic, dropping Deegan. Nightmare and Scroddy proceed to upend an entire cartfull of garbage on him. A toaster over biffs him in the head in a painful moment. Vic adds injury to injury by dropping the cart on him as well. In the moment of supreme insanity, he lays the cart on Deegan and splashes him from the top rope. Both men are down, but the ref counts the pinfall, as Vics foot is on Deegans chest. Timby retains.
**2/3 Garbage wrestling it may be, but it was GOOD garbage wrestling. Vic even sells the bump all the way back up the aisle.
Goo vs. J.C Swinger (w/Tina) (Canadian Championship Match)
Goo is from North Dakota, Swinger is from California. So much for the Canadian thing. Maybe the belt’s from Canada? Goo tries to shake hands, and gets suckerpunched instead. Schmuck. Clothesline, Swinger stomps a few mudholes in Goos’ gut. He ducks a clothesline, and hits a Dsty Elbow. Octopus stretch is applied, Swinger falls back on him for 1. Swinger hits a DDT and works the neck as Bill Withonel loses the plot briefly. Snap suplex by Swinger. he goes to a camel clutch, then releases it as Tina goes to the apron with JC’s kendo stick. JC distracts the ref, but ina misses Goo. He pushes her to the floor, knocking her silly on the ring apron en route. Swinger heads out to check on her. Goo tries some sort of DDT and gets dumped to the floor. Odd-looking belly-to-belly suplex by Swinger. Goo reverses a whip to the steps and rolls inside. He takes a breather… then hits a Space Flying Tiger Drop to the floor. Just when I was giving up on this match, too! Back inside, Swinger hits the superkick and attempts the Beverly Hills Number Cruncher. Goo groingshots him and hits the Goo Train (No, that ain’t a misprint…). Death Plunge scores the upset win for Goo.
* Well, they can’t all be classics. Goo and Swinger just didn’t seem to gell in this one… (Goo? Gell? Did I just make a bad pun?)
-Earlier tonight, Mike Phillabaum interviews Zodiac. (Despite getting beaten to a bloody pulp in the process)
Significant Brothers (Brian Deegan and John O’Riordan) vs Gemini (No Interferance Tag Team Title Match)
Both teams shake hands, signifying a dual-face match. Gemini II charges O’Riordan early, hitting a shoulderblock. (Matt calls it “man-sized!”. Quit stealing my stuff, Heath!) O’Riordan ducks a clothesline on the rebound and hits a spinning DDT for not-even-one. Deegan tags in, but runs into a crisp belly-to-back suplex. Gemini II drags Deegan away from O’Riordan and tags Gemini I in. Double brainbuster nails Deegan. O’Riordan is in quickly to clothesline a Gemini to the floor. Deegan hits a standing blockbuster for nearly-2 on Gemini I. Deegan goes to the headlock, hitting an innovativly indescribable rana on Gemini. Memphis Outlaw tries a limp-in, but the co-commisioners Trollslayer and Carver meet him midway to enforce the no-run in stip. Trollslayer hits a Soul Stealer, and Outlaw ends up in a dumpster. Back in the ring, Gemini I reverses a Northern lights into a Falcons Arrow for 2.5. Deegan takes the chest-first whip into the buckle. Gemini literaly walks over him on his way to tag Gemini II back in. They double team Deegan, before Gemini II (or possibly I) whips Deegan to the ropes. Deegan tags blind before he’s back-dropped. O’Riordan hits a big missile drop-kick on the unsuspecting Gemini. The other Gemini hits the ring, but Deegan tosses him with the Significant Suicide. Gemini I is hit with a beautiful sligshot/flying clothesline combination by the Significant Brothers. The ref ushers out Deegan as O’Riordan covers. Finally, the ref counts, but Gemini I gets a foot to the ropes at 2. O’Riordan hits a Phoenix Splash, but misses a Johnton Bomb. Gemini I tags out, then hits the Scales Of Libra on O’Riordan. Deegan tries unsucessfully to make the save, as Gemini II pins to retain.
**3/4 Another solid outing, and the fourth clean finish in a row!
-Postmatch, the teams shake hands again. Carver and Trollslayer announce they are stepping down as Co-Commisioners. The replacement? Phillipe LaFleur, naturally. He announces less gimmick matches, more wrestling. Maybe LaFleur should have helmed WCW near the end…
Andrew Sampson (w/Lila) vs. Max C. (U.S Championship Match)
Lt. Buzzcut attacks Max on his way to the ring. He’s saved by “Vincent”. Hopefully not the nWo stoge, though… Max is from Ireland, but Sampson arrives to U2. Oh, the irony. Lila and Andrew appear to be upset after their “message” backstage. Andrew is so distracted he walks into a clothesline. Max spears him through the ropes. Back inside right away, sampson applies an anklelock. “Vincent” walks to ringside as Heath begs for a card without a run-in. Okay, I forgive him for using my lines if we’re in agreement on endless run-ins. Max C. makes the ropes. Sampson makes a half-hearted charge into a spinning clothesline. Spear into “La Rabbia” by Max C. Andrew doesn’t kick out, and we have a new champion.
DUD for the match. The priority was obviously storyline first, match second in this one.
-Postmatch, Andrew and Lila leave for a flight. They exchange dialogue that subtley informs us that Andrews father is dying. Nice to have a storyline and not get beaten over the head with it for once.
X-Kalibur vs. Joker vs. Leo (Triple Threat Iron Man Match for the Cruiserweight title)
Big Vegas-style entry for Leo, the reiging champion. Explosive start as X-Kalibur runs into a spinebuster as he attempts a clothesline on Joker. Leo breaks up Jokers cover and gets ballshotted. Pumphandle slam by Joker. “The Assasin” Ken Ness runs-in, chokeslamming Leo and hitting “The Final Cut” on Joker. Rent-a-cops arrive to cuff and eject both Ness and X-Kalibur. Joker and Leo both score DQ falls as a result. We’re now down to a straight one-on-one match. (So much for creating history with the first triple threat Iron Man match!) Leo finally recovers enough to hit a snap leg drop. He scores the pinfall. 2-1 to Leo. He tries to continue the pressure with a snap suplex, but Joker flips elegantly out and hits a superkick. Spinning heel kick follows. Joker uses the ropes for leverage and scores a pinfall. 2-2. Joker maintains the advantage by using a humourous squirting flower. Russian legsweep gets 2. Leo ducks a clothesline and hits a springboard back elbow. Leo misses a frog splash, allowing Joker to get a fall off a rolling senton leg drop. 3-2 to Joker at the 15-minute mark.
Joker slows things down with a step-over to crossface. Leo tries to get to the ropes. Joker breaks, dragging Leo into the center. He tries to re-apply the hold, mule kick from Leo. Rolling senton from Leo misses, but he somehow hits a spinning sidekick instead. Leo heads up to hit an eye-poping moonsault elbowdrop for 3. 3-3 after 28 minutes. (Yes, 28 minutes. Either my watch is slow, or there was some subtle clippage going on.)
Joker tries to pummel Leo to the corner, but takes a sidewalk slam.Leo jumps to the top and misses an asai moonsault.Leo sends him back to the corner, but is backdropped to the apron by Leo. Joker stunguns Leo and hits a springboard legdrop for the pinfall. 4-3 to Joker at 37 minutes. (Yup, as I thought, there’s a while lotta clippin’ going on!) We go to a figure four from Joker, reversed into a Texas Cloverleaf. Joker taps out at 47 minutes to lock it up again. I have it at 4-all, but the announcers say otherwise, indicating a fall was lost by the editor. With ten to go, Joker smashes the timekeeprs table with a cross-body plancha that missed. Leo hits a Falling Star Driver in the ring. His pinfall locks the scores up.
Joker hits a drop-toehold and an innovative tilt-a-whirl tombstone for 2. Joker heads up for a missile drop-kick. Leo meets him on the way down with a drop-kick of his own. Asai moonsault off the bottom rope by Leo. He ups the ante with a moonsault from the middle rope, then one from the top for 3 with 2 seconds left to retain.
***1/4 Good cruiserweight action. The editing probably took out a lot of rest-holds, and I’m all for that. The “Triple Threat” idea could have worked, but I guess we’ll never know for sure.
-Backstage, Taurus prepares for his World Tilte challenge, cutting a good promo in the bargain.
World Title Match (2 out of 3 falls): Taurus (w/Leo and Gemini) vs. Justin Keith
Phillipe LeFleur announces the stipulations. Fall one is a strap match. I hate strap matches. Justin strikes first, slapping Taurus with the strap. Taurus responds with a takedown and beats on him. He loops the strap around Keiths throat and beils him around the ring. Taurus reaches two turnbuckles before Keith hits the Viciousness. He makes one buckle before Taurus hits him with a release German suplex, rolling into a Fujiwara armbar. Keith rakes the eyes to escape and chokes him with the strap. Falling neckbreaker, than a snap suplex with the strap wrapped around Taurus’ neck. Nasty. Taurus blocks another suplex, and drops Keith stomach-first on the top rope. Elbow to the head sends Keith down. He tries for the buckles, but Keith yanks the strap tight, crotching Taurus. Pedigree drops Taurus, Keith touches all four buckles to win the first fall.
The second fall is a Finisher Only match. Taurus is still woozy from the Pedigree, so Keith hits a flying clothesline. He misses an elbowdrop, and gets a Dragon clothesline on a blind charge. A second sends Keith to the floor. Taurus heads out and superkicks Keith, who falls onto the guardrail. A gusher of a nosebleed results. (Possibly a legit broken nose for Keith?) Side russian legsweep into the guardrail by Taurus. he attempts a high kneelift, crotching himself on the rail as a result. Keith chairshots him cold. Two more chairshots knock Taurus into the fans. Keith moves in, and gets T-boned into the expensive seats. Taurus treats the crowd as his own private mosh pit, crowd-surfing into a double axe-handle on Taurus. Wild! Rocker dropper on the floor, Taurus blades. Keith goes for The Blockbuster Surprise. taurus catches him and hits a “Kryptonite Krunch” on the floor as Matt goes all J.R on us. They lie around for a bit, then brawl back to the ring, with Taurus working Keiths’ arm. He suplexes Keith into the corner of the apron in a nasty spot, then locks in the Horns of Taurus for the submission.
In the final fall, Death Match rules apply. They lock-up and go to a headlock sequence. Taurus hits a Blue Thunder powerbomb out of nowhere, then a savate kick to the throat. Blind charge hits the buckle. Keith strikes with the Lost Marbles. Double KO. Keith makes it to the top. Frog splash lands on Taurus’ raised boot. Taurus gets old-school with a heart punch. He goes to the well once too often, Keith catches the fist and headbutts him. Keith kicks him between the uprights and hits the Hell Driver. He rolls out, retrieving a window (complete with frame) from beneath the ring. (He usually carries a sheet of glass, apparently… Heath calls it an “upgrade”…) He lay the glass in the ring and goes up. Is that Irony I smell approaching? Taurus crotches him on the top buckle and hits a mammoth belly-to-belly onto the window frame. The ref counts, Taurus is up by 7. Keith stays down for the count, and Taurus takes the title. Zodiac hits the ring to congratulate the overcome Taurus, and we’re out.
***3/4 Very solidly booked main event with no run-ins! Actually, as I look back… EVERY MATCH had a clean finish! What are the odds? The match allowed both men to play to their strengths… too bad about the strap match (But, hey… that’s just my bias, perhaps. At least they didn’t “Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal!”)
The Bottom Line: Another very good outing from BSCW, with excellent matches practically from start to finish! Great stuff!