Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling “Shane Delany Tournament 2001”
Another day, another PPV in my VCR. This time the action comes from E-FedUniverse Promotions’ “Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling”. (Great name!) The copy of the PPV I was sent is un-named, but it consists of the first-annual Shane Delany Memorial Tournament. (Held via the “Leathal Lottery”. They’re using WCW Gimmicks? Not a good sign!) Let’s see how this one goes, shall we?
-We are live from The Wedgwood Wide Wrestling Federation Arena in Wedgwood, Seattle, Washington. (Now THAT’s a niche market!) Your commentators and mine are Bill Withonel and Matt Heath.
-Bill and Matt hype the tourney, picking Taurus, Dionysus and Sampson as favourites. (Mythology rocks!) Bill proves he’s studied the classics by picking Phillipe LeFleurs farewell match to be a stinker. (Guess he saw Pipers Wrestlemania III “retirement” match…) The main event tonight is a “Greenhouse” match. (A Hell In Cell with added windowpanes… bonus marks for innovation right there!)
First Round Match (15-minute time limit) Crucifix and Erik Kreed vs Dionysus and Darkcyde Nightchild
Dionysus is from Parts Unknown, Erik Kreed is just Unknown. Dionysus has a gaggle of goth chicks escorting him, and manages to insult his own partner before letting him start the match. And then tagging himself in before Darkcyde can do anything. Pyschology on your own partner? Gotta love random tag teams… Crucifix and Dionysus to start us off. Headlock sequence to clothesline by Crucifix, but a second attempt results in a headscissors takedown from Dionysus. Inziguri scores for the smaller man, who tries to tag in Darkcyde. He gets spat on instead. You reap what you sow, I suppose. Crucifix hits a big release German on Dionysus and tags in Kreed. Kreed charges, drop toehold bounces his face off the mat. He makes the tag to an unwilling Darkcyde. Tornado DDT and Twist of fate floor Kreed. Dionysus hits a killer guillotine legdrop, then decides to tag himself in. By slapping Darkcyde in the chops. Cover, a somewhat riled Darksyde breaks it up. He hits a Twist of Fate on Dionysus, then hits the Nitefall on Kreed for the 3-count.
It’s here that I learn the rules of the tourney. It seems BOTH men have to be pinned for the team to be eliminated. Or something… it’s not clear at this point. Anyway, Crucifix is now facing a 2-on-1. He blocks a lowblow and hits a crunching sit-down chokebomb. Darkcyde gets a foot on the ropes to prevent a count. Dionysus once more decides tags are something that happen to other people and hits a springboard drop-kick on Crucifix. Cover gets 1. Ballshot-for-real by Crucifix, followed by a devaststing Gorilla Slam-to-Gutbuster. Crucifix hits his Crucifixtion and gets the three to eliminate Darkcyde. Dionysus tries to blindside Crucifix but is clotheslined on the top rope. Jackhammer and a chokehold from Crucifix with a big chokeslam chaser. Dionysus sells the chokeslam like his neck snapped in two. No cover, and a blind charge sees Dionysus avoid by jumping to the top rope to hit a tonado DDT. Wild! He covers for the pinfall, and the right to compete in the final tournament match. (Ahh, a light dawns!)
***1/4 Nice tight opener to the PPV.
1st Round Match: Teacher and Clown (Mr Jobcore and Slade the Clown) vs. M.A.K and Jack Daniels. (w/ Ms. Beastility(?))
Strangely, the mention of Jack Daniels doesn’t herald the arrival of Scott Hall. Slade and Jobcore injure themselves entering the ring… Do I smell a comedy match approaching? Jobcore tosses Slade to the wolves, and he’s choked into a tap-out in 4 seconds. Yes, I was right. Jobcore clotheslines M.AK, hurting himself in the process. Luke-warm tag to J.D. As he enters, the big screen shows a film of Ms Beastiality and a grizzly bear(?!!) getting jiggy with it. She runs off, J.D “Roll’s Tha Bluntz”(sic) on Jobcore for three, M.A.K hits a DDT and M-Cutta on J.D for 3. (Whoa, the light went out again. I guess it’s last man standing, which kind of defeats the purpose of tag-teams…)
Oh, there was a match there somewhere? Well, let’s be generous and call it DUD… no, what the hell… make that -**1/2 as the commentators insinuate that the grizzly is the father of Ms. B’s child (Whoosh! There goes reality out the window!)
1st Round match: MaCk and Mark “Generation” Rock vs. Leo and Taurus
Leo and Taurus are stablemates (representing “Zodiac”.. noooo, Ed Leslie!) and get a good reaction from the fans. All-in brawl right off the bat. Taurus clotheslines Rock over the top, but walks into a spinebuster from MaCk. Leo’s attempted bodyblock is countered and he receives a chokeslam for 2. Blind charge from MaCk gets turned into a nice hotshot off the ropes from Leo and a lightning-fast legdrop. Cover gets 1. Tag to Taurus, he’s hit with a kick to the gut and a nice powerbomb. Rock tags in, missing a clothesline. Taurus hits a neckbreaker variation and slaps on a Fujiwara armbar. He headbutts the shoulder for emphasis. Rock begs off, but Taurus applies the Horns of Taurus for the submission. MaCk charges Taurus and is backdropped almost out of the camera shot! Superkick, Dragon Clothesline and Ligerbomb later sees MaCk down and out. Taurus tags Leo who finishes MaCk with a springboard senton and an insane Moonsault Headbutt!
The stablemates face off, shaking hands before letting fly. Leo hits a standing one-legged drop-kick and a picture-perfect snap suplex. He tries to roll for another and is T-boned by Taurus. He goes for the JAPANESE VIOLENCE of leg-drags, and tries a snap suplex. Leo blocks, blocks again and delivers a brainbuster. Frog-splash hits the knees, and taurus strikes with the HEART PUNCH OF DEVASTATING BRUSING! Taurus hits the Gaijin Death Drop and gets the 3 to advance. He helps Leo up and they shake again as the crowd goes mental.
***3/4 Big moves and some great Japanese-styled action with Taurus/Leo.
Final Round 1 Match: “Bump” Taylor James and Andrew Sampson vs. X-Kalibur and “The Assasin” Ken (Not Elliot or Loch) Ness
Ken and X-Kalibur jump “Bump” as he makes his entrance, clotheslining the heck out of him in the aisle. They toss him into the ring and pummel him with a big powerbomb/neckbreaker combination. A double suplex follows as Sampson charges the ring to save “Bumps’ hide. Ness and Sampson brawl to the floor. X-Kalibur picks up “Bump” and gets caught in a bridged Northern Lights suplex for 2. Blind charge, Sky High nails Taylor. Crossface, but “Bump” reaches the ropes. Ness hooks Taylors foot, allowing X-Kalibur to hit a big springboard Over The Edge for the pin. On the outside Sampson facejams Ness and makes the ring. He ducks a superkick and delivers a DVD on X-Kalibur. Locking in the Exodus (a step-over toehold with a surfboard), he gains a submission to eliminate X-Kalibur. Ness is in, hitting a nice half-nelson slamand the “Killer”. He tries for a submission, slapping on the “Flesh Wound”. Sampson milks the crowd for all he’s worth, and finally makes the ropes. Ken releases the hold and celebrates his “Victory”. Sampson surprises him with a boot in the stomach and a running powerslam. His “Divine Retribution” gets the tap-out. Sampson advances.
*** Fairly standard, but the higher rating is for not falling into a pattern during the tournament. Each match in the first round had it’s own distinct vibe. Can it continue? Let’s find out, shall we?
Tag Team Title match: The Dawgz of War vs. Gemini
The dawgz are accompanied by a DJ (DJ Squooty Groves) as well as The Nubian Nightmare and Scroddy Johnson. A DJ? Did DJ Ran and Master P teach you people NOTHING?!! Gemini I and II are the current champions at this point. The usual four-man mayhem ensues, before one of the Geminis’ hits a sit-out powerbomb on Vic “Tim-Dogg” Simmons and sends him out. Gemini I then takes “T-Dogg” Timby to the floor with a cringe-inducing “Scales of Libra”. Both men take Man-sized bumps from that one. Vic rolls in and hits a quick reverse DDT on Gemini II for not-quite-one. Gemini I is back in to level Vic with a full-nelson slam. Vic becomes your Dawg-In-Peril as the Geminis hit double hiptosses, a double powerbomb and an Over Under as Tim crawls back in. He misses a clothesline, and the twins squash him with a spiked piledriver. Vic has recovered, and hits a Gemini with an Ace Crusher. He clotheslines the other Gemini and covers. It’s broken up by Gemini II (or possibly I… damn twins!) who rolls out. Vic hits a flying clothesline on Gemini I, but rolls out to check on Timby, who appears to be injured. (Possibly legit) Vic calls for the medical staff, only to be hit with a bladejob-inducing double Bulldog by the twins. (The cads!) Back in, the Gemini’s hit a Doyle Driver on Vic to retain.
**3/4 Big ugly brawl, but still watchable.
Lethal Lottery Tag Match (Last Man Standing wins the BSCW Canadian Championship): M.A.K and Taurus vs. Dionysus and Andrew Sampson
Sampsoon is the BSCW United Staes champ, so I guess he stands to unify the titles if he wins here. (Then again, possibly not…) Million Dollar Dragon also arrives, declaring himself referee on behalf of being “The most Canadian” person there. That’s good enough for me, but I’m biased… eh? M.A.K stands in the ring like he’s been lobotomised (The grizzly bear thing, remember? No, that’s right, I tried to block that image out of my mind!) Dragon suddenly hits him with a spinning heel kick and covers. He counts 2 before Sampson yanks him off M.A.K. Canadian rules, perhaps… Sampson brainbusts the still-stunned M.A.K and pins him. Taurus comes in and misses with a Dragon Clothesline, hitting Million Dollar Dragon instead. Taurus’ “so what?” grin is a hoot. Sampson boots Taurus in the mouth and underhook suplexes him. He hooks in an ankle lock. Dragon looks like he’s about to do a Vincent K. and yell “Ring the ****ing bell”, but Taurus gets to the ropes. Sampson releases him. Andrew and Taurus exchange a look and a nod, before nailing Dragon with a double DDT! Sampson poses, so Taurus takes charge with a release German, then a superkick and a T-bone. He misses an elbow however, and gets driven into the corner. Sampson DVD’s him out and tries to cinch in the Divine Retribution. (Which sounds better every time I say it) Taurus gets in a karate kick off the floor, and Sampson bails to tag Dionysus. Dionysus won’t tag, flipping the one-finger salute to Sampson instead! Taurus hits a dragon suplex and Sampson is quick-counted by Million $ Dragon. He’s hot, but his valet Lila prevents him taking after Dionysus. They return to the locker room to fight another day and it’s Dionysus and Taurus one-on-one. Dionysus hits a flying head-scissors on the distracted Taurus. Taurus plays Chumbawumba (He gets knocked down, but he gets up again) for a while, before being drop-kicked to the floor. Dionysus hits a huge Asai Moonsault off the apron to the delight of the crowd. Taurus recovers quickly, and hits another T-bone back in the ring. A series of leg-drags, a big back-drop and a hangmans neckbreaker get 2.99! (Dionysus remembers to sell the neck injury from his first-round match which is good to see.) Dionysus does a flip into the corner off a whip, trapping his foot in the process. Big sliding dropkick into his head from Taurus. He drags Dionysus out and sets up a piledriver, revesed sweetly into a facejam by Dionysus. He heads upwards and delivers a major somersaulting legdrop, double KO-ing both men. Dragon tries to count them out, Taurus is up at 9. He hits a Liger Bomb, then sets up a belly-to-belly. In an eye-pooping move, Dionysus flips completely, landing on his feet and, smooth as silk, hits the Kiss of the Bacchae. He covers, Dragon slowly counts, and Dionysus becomes the BSCW Canadian Champ. Dragon congratulates him by biffing him in the head with the belt, then splashing him off the top rope. (Hey, that’s how we say “Well done!” in Canada!)
****1/4 Great work all round. High spots were hit clean, the pyschology was there, and Dragon was able to make his feelings clear to Dionysus without resulting in a predictable screwjob.
Retirement Match: Phillipe LaFleur vs Jabronie Mahoney
Phillipes entrance is… well, pretty damn funny actually, as he spoofs the Underbikers entrance. (The mimes, midgets and marching band helped, too.) This is a “Softcore” match, so LaFleur is armed with a bag of popcorn. Mahoney has a raw fish. Do you really need me to recap this? It’s actually not that bad as comedy matches go… listening to Matt Heaths’ straight-faced selling of a bulldog onto the popcorn is worth the price of admission alone. A pillow gets involved, as does (and I quote) a “paper cup full of pleasantly warm water”. The finish comes as Phillipe superplexes Mahoney onto a loaf f French bread for the pin.
**1/2 Hey, that’s not bad for a comedy match! Hell, that’s the Benoit/Jericho of comedy matches!
World Heavyweight Title Match (Glasshouse Match): Justin (Not “Not”) Keith vs. The Rebel
In a moment of pure insanity, someone has allowed “Mix Master” Marcus and “Hardcore Hero” John Merganz to commentate for this match. They make the ICP sound like Jim Ross anmd Gordon Sollie, I swear. Mute the set! Punch and kick for a while… quite a while, actually, as neither man seems to be able to get into a rythym. Keith hits two Northen Lights suplexes in a row. Spinebuster is blocked, DDT from The Rebel. The Rebel goes for a chair, dropping in the ring for the sole purpose of having Justin catch him at the top, ballshot him and hit an insane (and not in a good way) legsweep off the top onto the chair. They REPEAT THE SPOT on the mat. (What, you were afraid he survived the first one?) then a third time. Getting into a rut, guys? They try a fourth(???) but it’s reversed into a headlock, then Dragon Sleeper. For about two seconds. Then it’s outside to brawl. Rebel is snap suplexed against the side of the cage, breaking some candy glass. Rebel drop-toeholds Justin into the cage, breaking more glass. Both blade. Rebel finds some barbed wire under the ring. Triple M is still commentating, but my Moron-to-English dictionaries are on back-order, so I can’t translate. Wait, it’s not just barbed wire, it’s a *sigh*, barbed wire baseball bat. How original. Some barb-wire spots and a elbow off the cage through the announce table by Rebel. Sadly, MMM and Hardcore aren’t killed… DAMN IT! Barb-wire assisted neckbreaker gets 2 for Rebel. Rebel kills Justins heat by kicking out of his finisher, the “Hell Driver”. Rebel tries a Pedigree, but Justin sling-shot’s him into the glass. More barb-wire spots, Rebel wraps a chair in the stuff. He gets hit with Justins OTHER finisher, the “Blockbuster Surprise”. (The surprise is, Rebel sells it and Justin wins.) They have a post-match stare-down, a handshake, and in a totally non-predictable twist (NOT!), Justin Pedigrees Rebel and pulls out.. a sledgehammer from beneath the ring. GIVE ME A BREAK!! The run-in to save Rebel is done by the “American Badass”, (no, not THAT American badass) “Austin Blacktop”. I’d recap the last five minutes, but since I hauled the tape out of my machine and tossed it across the room, I don’t know what happened.
-**** What the hell just happened? The PPV (Which, I might add, I didn’t hold huge expectations for) was running in high gear. I was prepared to hand out the highest recommendation possible. Then the Mumbling Morons arrived on the scene and BAM! Instant ECW-ish crap topped with a side order of crap, drizzled with a sauce made of the re-hashed left-overs of another federations ideas. The Glasshouse was a great idea in theory. The execution needed work. Major Work.
-Highly recommended. Just STOP THE TAPE after LaFleur retires. And don’t say I didn’t warn you if you watch further than that!