Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for BSCW’s Survival Of The Fittest!
Several weeks back, I ordered the “Survival of the Fittest PPV put on by Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling…. Due to major computer woes, I now finally get around to reviewing the thing… so here we go!
-We were LIVE from the Ranch Bowl, in Omaha, Nebraska. Your hosts are Bill Withonel and Matt Heath. They run down the matches and show us the brackets for the “Survival of the Fittest” tournament. The winner gets a title shot in tonights Triple Threat main event.
Grinnin vs. “Cold Blooded” Johnny Spades
Grinnin cheapshots Spades before the bell, but he’s the face, so the fans love it. Nasty spot right off the bat as Grinnin hits a reverse DDT, snapping Spades neck across the top rope. Okay, Ouch! They brawl on the floor and in the ring before Spades hits a powerslam. T-bone and DDT for 2. Grinnin plays Nasty Face, thumbing Spades in the eye and hitting a gut-wrench powerbomb. Elbowdrop for 1. Back-to-back ballshots from Spades and a pedigree, no cover. Grinnin responds by hitting the third lowblow in a minute. Just for fun, let’s keep a count on the lowblows, shall we? They fight over a backslide, Spades gets a 2-count. He holds the backslide position, rising to hit “The Sure Shot” for the pin. *3/4 Lots of action packed into a very brief match.
-Backstage, Tre Roselli attacks The Rebel with Big Poppa Pipe.
Survival of the Fittest Semi-finals
“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) & Grinnin vs. Goo
Grinnin and Irvin double clothesline Goo as soon as he enters, probably angered by his choice of ring attire. (His tights depict his opponents making whoopee… classy!) Irvin jacks Goos jaw and rolls out. Grinnin tries a powerbomb, only to recieve a record-equalling 3rd lowblow in one night. Goo hits a Samoan drop and bulldog. Goo Kick gets 2. Grinnin misses a Clothesline from Heck, Goo pins him with a bridging Blizzard suplex. Jeez, who did Grinnin piss off in the locker room to job twice in five minutes? Irvin hits a sweet springboard dropkick and dragon screws Goo. He knocks him to the floor, then takes a sick bump as his plancha is turned into a stomach breaker by Goo. Goo then makes all other bumps tonight look tame as he spinebusts Irvin, bouncing the poor guys skull of the ringpost inadvertantly. Goo and Fantasy stall while the ref checks that Irvin is still, y’know, breathing. Eventually, Irvin rises to hit a Tomikazie on Goo. Inside the ring, an elbowdrop gets 2. Implant DDT is reversed into a release Northern Lights by Goo. Irvin absoulutely no-sells it, bouncing up and hitting the Backlash for 2. Goo hits a DVD off a blind charge and lands a top rope splash for 2. Irvin rolls a Northern lights into a small package for 2. He hits a deacons drop off a criss-cross and heads topside. “DDI” off the top hits nothing but mat, Goo dropkicks Irvin in the face. Goo nails “The Plunge” for the pin to advance. **3/4 Good, solid wrestling from Goo and Irvin.
-Backstage, Tre Roselli continues taking out potential Hardcore tournament opponents, bopping Sykopath with his pipe.
-Also backstage, Seth Harker gets all mystical on us. Someone remind him he was stinking up arenas in IEW a few months back.
Million Dollar Dragon & “Bump” Taylor James (w/Erin) vs “The Darksider” Seth Harker
Million Dollar Dragon plays cocky heel, insisting he starts the match. Harker misses a clothesline and gets atomic dropped. MDD hits a spinning heel kick and tries a quick cover . It gets 1. Harker hits a stiff back elbow off a whip. Leaping side kick sends Dragon to the apron. He rakes the eyes and stunguns Harker on the buckle. Back inside, Dragon tries a powerbomb, but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KID.. HARKER! Sunset flip powerbonb gets 2 for Harker. Dragon hits lowblow #5 for the night and DDT’s him. Two swinging neckbreakers follow. Dragon pounds Harker all over the ring, setting up for the Million Dollar Blast. Harker hooks the top rope to block and hits a nice release Northern Lights. Harkers’ Nightbringer moonsault gets the pin to eliminate Dragon. James comes in quickly, overpowering the smaller man. Roundhouse kick and snap elbow for 2. Harker tries some wrestling, floating into a surfboard. James makes the ropes, but walks into a snap suplex for 2. Debonair run-in as James and Harker reverse whips to the ropes. James tries the Bump Slam, Harker lands on his feet. Standing drop-kick nails James. Harker to the ropes, where Debonair chairshot him. He stumbles into the Bump Slam and takes the “Wrestling Thy Name Is Bump” to finsh the match. James advances. ** Like two cruiserweight mini-matches, with some good spots. Abbrieviated by the run-in, which was logical at least.
-Backstage, Max Caschera locks his injured brother Vincent in the locker room mere minutes before their tag title match. Ballsy!
Max Caschera vs. The Q’s (Handicap Tag Title Match)
Debonair arrive to do commentary as Matt C. hits a double chokeslam on the tag champs. (Overconfidence is a killer!) Double clothesline, Quincy bails. Quinn takes a spinning lariat, Max chokes him. DDT for 2 before Quincy makes the save with a springboard splash. He superkicks Max C and distracts the ref as Quinn chokes out Max with the tape from his wrists. Classic heel tactics right there! Max suddenly uses an amateur-style takedown and locks in the “Bella Facia”. Quincy has to break up the hold, this time with a springboard legdrop. The Q’s double-team with a nice catapult into a superkick combination for 2. Max abruptly no-sells the move, hitting a “Grande Capo for 2 on Quinn. He applies and arm wrench and dumps Quinn face-first. Quinn comes to life and locks in an Alaskan Crab. (A Frozen Crustacean if I’ve ever seen one…) He converts it to a half-crab, then a step-over to crossface. Max finally makes the ropes. Quincy is tagged in, quickly hitting a guillotine legdop for 2 as Max plays Paddy Morton. Albeit briefly as nutshot #6 turns the tide. Quincy squirms out of a chokeslam and dropkicks Max out to the floor. More classic heel schticks as Quincy yaks to the ref whil Quinn removes a turnbuckle pad. He facebusts Max onto the steel. Max blades. Multiple shots to the buckle follow, Quinn tags back in. The Q’s hits a Missile dropkick/Frog-splash combo to retain. ** More solid action, slightly predictable, but there.
-Backstage, Tre Roselli interupts Hiroshi Masatos’ snack time with a pipe shot.
“Deadly” Derek Irvin (w/Fantasy) vs. Leo (Cruiserweight Title Match)
A nice sequence to start, with Irvin flipping out of a belly-to-back suplex and hitting a reverse DDT as he does so. Leo pops back up, hitting a spin-kick and sitdown facebuster for 1. Criss-cross, Leo hits a head-scissors takedown and backflip kick to send Irvin to the corner. He pummels Irvin from the seconds turnbuckle, so Irvin delivers a sitdown spinebuster. He drags Leo into the buckle ‘nads first and applies the Ringpost Figure-four. Irvin works the leg, remembering to sell the bumps he took in his earlier match with Goo. Dragon Screw gets 2. Leo tries a roll-up, getting a one-count. In a spot both cute in it’s booking and ugly as hell in it’s execution, they attempt simultaneous dropkicks, scoring two air-balls. Irvin blocks a monkey-flip and hits a nice sunset off the top for 2. Leo rolls out of it and superkicks Irvin. Springboard elbow and frog splash for 2. They reverse each others moves half a dozen times before Leo hits a Deadly Plex on Irvin. He heads up top, but gets crotched (Shot #8 to the collective testies of the BSCW tonight!) Irvin hits a Tomikaze off the top, Leo gets a foot on the ropes to prevent a cover. He misses a corkscrew elbowdrop, Leo locks in a sleeper. He turns it into a sleeper slam hooking the tights on the cover. It gets 2. Irvin works the arm but gets dumped to the floor. Leo ups the tempo with a Capricorn Press Handspring plancha, which Irvin meets with a standing drop-kick on the way down. Does this garner the “Holy Shit” chant? You betcha! Double KO until Fantasy dumps water on both men. They return to the ring, Irvin baseball slides through Leos legs and sets for the One and Only. Leo mule kicks (#9!) and hits a Falling Star Driver for 2. He nails Irvin with the Down Under Driver (G’day, mate!) and heads upstairs. Springboard moonsault hits, a second from the middle buckle misses. Blind charge, Irvin drops a shoulder and dumps Leo crotch-first onto the buckle. (We’re in double figures on the groinal abuse spots!) Irvin uses a Reverse Detonation and crawls over for the pin to retain. ***1/4 Good, clean cruiserweight action that played to the strengths of both men. They shake hands post-match to good response from the crowd.
Million Dollar Dragon vs. Goo (Hockey Death Match, BSCW Canadian Championship)
Here’s the concept. A plexiglass enclousre surrounds the ring, which is filled with Hockey-Themed weapons. I’m wondering if we’ll go to sudden death overtime if we reach the time limit… Million Dollar Dragon tries to jump-start proceedings with some high-sticking, but takes a Flatliner instead. Goo pounds him, hitting a brutal spinebuster onto the framework of a goal. Goo checks the Dragon against the boards, but gets caught and powerslammed onto a goalies mask. Powerbomb is reversed into a DDT by Goo. He entagles the Dragon in a net and tosses him around. Million Dollar Fistdrop scores on Million Dollar Dragon (Oh, the irony!) for 2. Double underhook is countered with nutshot #11, Goo takes a piledriver onto a commemorative bust of Ray Borque. (A sure nominee for this years “Keithy” for Most Innovative International Object.) Dragon uses a hockey stick to assist in a Rocker Dropper, but is sent to the boards attempting a Halifax Bulldog. Side slam, Goo takes the chance to blade Dragon. On camera. (That should be a two-minute penalty right there…) He hits the Plunge, climbs the convenient footholds in the cage and lands the Goo Drop for the win. *1/4 A big tossed spot salad with spot dressing on the side.
Survival of the Fittest Tournament Final: Goo vs. “Bump” Taylor James
For a fat bastard, Goo is spreading himself thin tonight. They both place face, shaking hands prior to the bell. After the bell, the fists are a-flying, of course. James wins the slugfest, delivering a Bionic elbow and some BILOXI VIOLENCE in the corner. Bareback out of the corner, we hit the chinlock. (Hey, James, it was GOO who just had the match, ya lazy bastard!) Goo makes the ropes, James tries to re-apply the hold and takes a nasty Hammerlock back suplex. We get the entrhalling sleeper reversal sequence. Innovative ending to the sequence as James climbs the ropes while maintaining the sleeper and hits a hanging neckbreaker for 2. Side slam into a Boston Crab from James, Goo manages to make the ropes. James runs into a Goo Kick for 2. ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF NAGGING DISCOMFORT applied by Goo. Reverse headbutt frees James, who delivers a Bump Slam that catapults Goo off the top rope. Divine Wind headbutt off the top misses. Goo gives him the Goo Train and catches him on the rebound with the Dragon Sleeper. Bump taps out, Goo is YOUR Survival of the Fittest Champion. *1/2 This was just there… the fatigue factor is starting to show.
-Backstage, Taurus and Leo cut a final promo and it’s Main Event time…
BSCW World Heavyweight Championship Match: Taurus vs. Blacktop vs. Goo
Blackytop does his patented “Underbiker” rip-off entrance, Taurus appears to be doing Yokozuna. His pre-match ritual blessing of the ring is interrupted by a clothesline from Blacktop, however. He belly-to-back suplexes the champ and chokes him. Goo schoolboys Blacktop for 1, but runs into a big boot. Blacktop tries to chokeslam Goo, Taurus chop-blocks him and hits a series of Dragon clotheslines on Goo. Blacktop pops up and headbutts Taurus, then DDT’s Goo for 1. Taurus saves, but runs into a chokeslam. Goo locks the Dragon Sleeper in on Blacktop, Taurus breaks it up. He stomps a mudhole in Goo, Blacktop proceeds to walk it dry. Taurus continues to clothesline everything that moves, nailing Blacktop again. He then T-bones him right onto Goo. Double cover gets 1. Blacktop and Goo team to hit a spiked powerbomb on the champ. A Goo Kick prevents Blacktop getting a pin on Taurus. The kick gets 2 for Goo. Sick move as Goo drop toeholds Blacktop, leading to his skull bouncing off Taurus’s cranium. Taurus powers out of a Rude Awakening and tosses THE CEREMONIAL SALT OF AGONY into Goos’ eyes. Back body drop and knee drop for 2. Blacktop breaks the cover. Implant spinebuster, headbutt, Snake Eyes and Blacktop goes for the chokeslam. Taurus punts him in the face and applies a rolling crucifix armbar. Goo drags him off with El Chinlocko Reverso, then heads South of the Border to make an even dozen of lowblows tonight. Oozing Machismo gets 2, Blacktop breaks it up. He powerslams Goo. Backbreaker stretch, Taurus wipes him out with a low dropkick . Revese Fujiwara armbar is applied as Goo heads to the high rent district. He drops a risky-as-heck Goo Drop on both opponents, then a Rude Awakening on Taurus. Splash gets 2, Blacktop stops the count with a well-placed boot. Side slam and legdrop flattens Goo, Blacktop turns his attention to Taurus. He nails the Career Ender, Goo breaks the pin at 2. He sends Blacktop to the apron and hits the FLYING FATASS SUICIDE DDT. He rolls him back in and charges in for The Plunge. Taurus interferes, hanging Goo in the Tree of Woe and bouncing Blacktop off his head in the 2nd nastiest spot of the night. Taurus lands the Gaijin Death Drop on Goo, covers and retains his title. He shakes hands with Blacktop and with a final respectful glance at Goo, we’re out of there. **1/2 Remarkably fast-paced matchup was good, but nothing earth-shattering.
The Bottom Line: The format really made for too many wrestlers having too many matches. (As Tre Rosellis’ backstage skits showed, there was plenty of talent doing a whole lot of nothing backstage.) As always though, the BSCW put on some good, well-booked matches. Not quite on a par with their last few, but still well worth the price of a rental.