The "Not" Keith Rant for EWI Visionquest Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

I alone hit the 3rd video in our Retro-Fest, as Xenomorph had dozed off in the time it took to rewind the last one. This time if was the first PPV from the oddly-named Elite Wresling Isolation(?), “Visionquest”.

-We are live from The MGM Grand Arena, in Lost Wages, Nevada.

-A restrained video package and some good pyro kick things off. The EWI President, John Palcis cuts a great heel promo (only losing it a little at the end) in which he endorses Cyrus Storm in the Elite Championship match. Hot crowd.

-Your announce team is Dowler, Alexander and Roth. They run down the matches on offer and gives some much-needed insight into what brought each contest about. Alexanders explanation of Darryl “Balls” Pattersons’ nickname is a highlight.

-Backstage, the president signs a new wrestler… possibly.

Opening bout: Vixen vs. Vanity ShowWood (Intergender Tables, Ladders, Chairs and Garbage Cans match for the EWI International Title)

A TLCGC match? Vanity proves his manhood (and cements his heel status) by backjumping Vixen with a garbage can in the aisle. After flattening one, he delivers a stiff face-first suplex onto a second. Diamond cutter on the outside, and he GOES FOR THE LADDER! Vixen takes it across the back, but ducks a second, dropkicking the ladder back into Vanitys face. Vixxen places a chair over his face, then delivers a senton off the apron! Vixen takes a table into the ring, bringing Vanity in as well. Splash in the corner, then an eye-watering Shattered Dreams makes every man in the crowd cringe in sympathy. Vixen places the incapacitated ShowWood on a table and climbs the ladder, chair in hand. Attempted chair-assisted legdrop, but ShowWood rolls away and Vixen takes out the table. Vanity gets a run-up for a nasty-looking shot with a garbage can. Some brawling, and Vanity goes up the ladder. Within reach of the belt, Vixen upends the ladder. Vanity takes a Man-sized bump, landing stomach first on the top rope. Vixen adds injury to injury with a wild bulldog over the ropes to the floor. She returns and tries for the belt, but Showood recovers enough to climb the ladder as well. They meet at the top, where Vanity takes a sick bump off a fall-away slam! ShowWood is able to climb up unopposed for the title.

**** Hot, hot opening, with very little resting. Great start to the PPV.

-Foxx, the contract-signer from the first segment makes an in-ring appearance. He’s retired from wrestling after being run-down by a limo the week before. (Now THAT’s Hardcore) However, he’s signed as the EWI’s new commisioner. He’s siding with the Boss, though. Instant heel turn for Foxx. The announcers argue briefly about the benefits of selling out to the President.

Crimson X vs. Big Ben

Crimson X gets a Jericho-like entrance. Big Ben gets a meagre video. Brawlfest to start, X gets the advantage, dragon screw legwhip regains for Ben. More reversals, superplex gets 2 for Ben. Irish whip reversed and we have a ref bump. X goes for a chair but a Van Beninator (That sounds wrong, but anyway) takes him down. Ben revives the ref and slaps on the Endgame for a quick submission.

* Pointless filler match.

Darryl “Balls” Patterson vs Syberyan Tyger

Balls charges The Tyger as soon as the bell rings. Leapfrog, and Balls butts the buckle. (Smooth move) Dropkick to the back and standing senton get 2. Patterson reverses a whip, but is dropped with a spinning heel kick. Tyger is setting a frantic pace. Standing leg lariat, lariat and springboard Vader Bomb gets 2. Tyger sends him to the buckle and a nice somersault off the chest of Balls and a dropkick sends him to the floor. Tyger goes for a tope suicida. Balls sidesteps and Tyger impacts heavily with the guardrail in the first sick bump of the match! Patterson sends him to the steps as the crowd chants “We want balls”… I refuse to comment on the implications of that chant. Balls brings it inside and lays in some stiff chops. Powerslam, followed by a hanging brainbuster. It gets 2. Attempted dragon suplex is reversed into a back suplex. Good back-and-forth action in this one. Tyger ducks a clothesline, facecrusher for 2. Tyger goes Sabu-istic, dropping a springboard somersault legdrop, before springboarding over the ropes on momentum alone. He attempts a springboard Tornado DDT, but is caught in mid-air by Balls. (Not HIS Balls, you understand. That would be icky.) Blind charge misses, slingshot bulldog nails Balls. Balls gets the kness up to block a top-rope splash, and finishes with his “Ball Monty” DVD.

*** A spot-fest where they hit the spots. Not too ECW-ish, and well-paced to boot.

-Backstage: Brian Edison leaves Cyrus Storms’ locker with a sledgehammer. Okay.

Kamikazi vs. Scott Phillips (Dumpster Match)

Phillips gets the babyface entrance and Booker T-like pyro. Martial arts display to start, Phillips gets the advantage with the Greco-Roman Punch To The Head. Kung-Fu Crotchshot turns the tide for Kamikazi, followed by a Steamboat throat chop. Gotta love the classics. He plays to the crowd, Phillips forearms him. To the outside, Kamikazi hits a dropkick, then heads inside for a spectacular-looking corkscrew plancha. The crowd loves it. Kamikazi screams Japanese obscenities at them. Phillips no-sells two chairshots to the cranium and hits an Van Phillipinator! (That sounded even worse…) He tries to toss Kamikazi into the dumpster, but Kamikazi escapes and delivers some JAPANESE VIOLENCE! Blind charge and Phillips hits a powerslam on the steel stage. Ouch. He heads backstage for a cookie sheet and waffles Kamikazi, who blades. Kick, wham , stunn.. sorry, kick, wham, Powerbomb from the stage into the dumpster. Phillips tries to close it but Kamikazi pops up to block. He climbs out, bringing a garbage can lid into the fray. He blasts Phillips, then hits the Impaler on the floor. Ryan Billups runs-out and blindsides Kamikazi, tossing him in and slamming the dumpsters lid. Phillips gets the win.

*** Good, solid garbage wrestling.

-Postmatch, Phillips and Billups deliver the dumpster to President Palcis’ office. Alexander makes sushi jokes. As the Beds of nails are set up for the following match, the announcers hype the main event.

Josh Savian vs. Brian “King of Extreme” Edison (Bed of nails Match)

Savian makes the Edge-Entrance from the crowd. Fast start and Plenty-‘O-Brawling. Ballshot and boots from Savian. He misses a moonsault, so Edison punishes him with two suplexes, rolling from the first into a face-first second. Savian blocks a throw to the bed of nails on the outside. He tries a Frankensteiner but Edison holds on for a powerbomb attempt. Savian completes the hurricanrana anyway, sending both men to the floor. Savian uses a chair, and tries a moonsault off the steps with the chair laying over Edisons noggin. Edison is quick enough to rise and hit a chairshot while Savian is in mid-air. “Holy Shit” chants abound for that one. Back to the ring, Edison brings in the garbage. He hits his “Power Trip” on a chair, then takes Savian to the top. He signals for his signature move, but Savian goes South of the Border and hits a huge top-rope Tornado DDT onto the chair. The crowd is super-hot at this point. Spinning elbow-drop from the top and they’re going ballistic. Savian sets a table up over the bed of nails, and hits a german suplex on Edison. Taking him to the apron, he tries for “The End” but can’t lift Edison. Edison picks up the smaller man and hits his “Q-Spike” through the table to the nails for the win. It was never announced as such, but he either wins, or defends, the hardcore title in the process.

*** Another solid bout. Savian/Kamikazi would probably go through the roof.

The Vandal vs. Ryan Billups (North American Title match)

Billups and the Vandal won the right to challenge for this new belt in a battle royal the previous day. Roth predicts bad karma for Billups. Brief stalling, before Billups hits a sweet suplex. He celebrates this feat and gets the Mr Perfect-like punishment as The Vandal dumps him over the top.A-brawling we will go. Billup is whipped hard into the Easily Seperatable Ringsteps(TM). Back to the ring, Billups attempts a “Flashbulb”, but Vadal ducks. Double KO clothesline follows. A brief rest period, before both men return to their vertical base. Billups stomps a mudhole or two, but makes the mistake of celebrating before walking it dry. Good German suplex sequence as it’s teased and reversed multiple times. Vandal hits it eventually and goes to the top. Billups recovers to knock him onto the turnbuckle and attempts a superplex, reversed into a face-first suplex. He pins for 2. Vandal hits a signature move, the Vandal Drive, then sets up for another, the Vandal Drop. Billups turns it into an inverted DDT. Kamikazi runs out, but is prevented from entering by the referee. Billups hits the Stone Driver and covers. Kamikazi pulls him off at two. The ref and Kamikazi get into an animated English-to-Japanese argument,(Think Kaientai on speed) and Billups gets involved too. This allows Vandal to hit The Overdose for 3 and the first-ever EWI North American title.

***1/2 Great back-and-forth action, a logical run-in and once again I have nothing to make sarcastic comments about. I even contemplate waking up Xenomorph, but hey, his loss.

-Pyro and big video package to set up the main event.

-Prez Palcis arrives to declare himself guest timekeeper. Smell the screwjob!

Main Event: Cyrus (Not Lance) Storm vs. Mr (Not “The”) Sandman (World Title Match)

Major heel heat for Cyrus here. Mr Sandman comes out to you-know-what by you-know-who. Storm tries to jump Sandman early, but walks into a huge bootand bails. Back in and a dropkick to the knee gets the advantage for Storm. He works the knee and attepts a figure-four, blocked by Sandman. Sandman tries to take over by gets a ballshot. Texas cloverleaf from Storm. Sandman fights it, reaching the ropes. Storm keeps the hold on as long as possible, while the ref yells at him. Cyrus continues the pyschology by attacking the legs, wrapping them around the post for an attempted Brett Hart-like figure-four from the outside. Sandman kicks him off, and crawls for a chair. He takes a big swing, the Crushing Hand of Irony interjects, and Sandmans face bounces off his own chair. Cyrus returns to the leg with another Texas Cloverleaf. Once more Sandman makes the ropes. Storm breaks clean this time, and allows Sandman to stand up. Sandman pays back this courtesy by kneeing Storm in the nuts. Swinging neckbreaker and we head back outside. Sandman continues his heel-like tatics by choking out Storm with a mircophone cable. Back inside, for about twenty seconds before Storm takes a MAN-SIZED backdrop over the top. Brawling on the outside commences. Storm posts Sandman.Back inside, powerbomb and heelishly arrogant cover gets 2. Storm goes for the Storm Driver, but the Sandman squirms out. Two standing side kicks and a dominator and Sandman is a HOUSE ON FIRE! Piledriver gets 2. Another piledriver for 2 again.He whips Storm to the ropes, and is met with a ferocious spear. Storm scores with a top rope knee-drop. High knee makes it officially Knees-a-Palooza ’01. He lifts Sandman into position for the Perfect Storm (Like you didn’t see THAT name coming?) but Sandman wriggles out and sunset flips for 2. Ballshot#2 and a cruicifix powerbomb gets 2.5 for Storm! He tries a second, only to recieve a neckbreaker. Sandman sets up a huge powerbomb of the top for 2.99999! (Sorry, I’m getting kind of APJW on you!) Reversal again and Storm goes for a tornado DDT. Sandman blocks and deposits Storm back on th turnbuckle. He tries powerbomb #2. Storm turns it into a DDT from the top rope. For 2.999999! Ho-ly shit! Storm loses his rag and kicks away at Sandman, who dragon screws him, then rolls through and does it again. Sandman goes up for a triple jump moonsault variation. Storm pulls the ref into the path of the Sandman and it’s nighty-night to the man in the striped shirt! Kaikazi runs out again as Sandman hits the Sandman drop. No ref to count, so Kamikazi hits the Kamikazi Drop on Sandman. (Lots of Drops and Drivers in this federation… coincidence?) Commisioner Foxx and Brian Edison (w/sledgehammer) stroll out to the ring.The fans are going nuts as it looks like a little 4-on-1 is going down. But, no, it’s a SWERVE! (Not a predictable one, which is refreshing.) Storm eats a sledge upside his head, as does Kamikazi. Sandman shakes hands with Edison and Foxx (Who went face-heel-face in just under 2 hours), and hits Storm with another Sandman drop. The ref wakes.. 1, 2, 3 and the EWI has a new Elite Champion!

***** Pyschology, big spots, and a frenetic pace make this a true main event match. Huge props to the EWI right here!

-Postmatch: President Palcis fires Cyrus Storm. Kamikazi completes Storms’ lousy night with a Kamikazi Drop and a Kazi-lock. And we’re out of here!

Great PPV. After suffering through some bad main events, overblown angles and ludicrously contived spots, this was a breath of fresh air. Solid, well-thought out booking, good match-ups, and a nice crowd-pleasing finish. It made my night! Just fast-forward through the Crimson X/Big Ben match…

-Recommended in the highest possible terms