Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for FWC’s “FCW vs Alliance”
Long time, no see Schmucksters. Yes, I, “Not” Keith, have returned from exile in the wilds of downtown Toronto. Where have I been? Beats the heck out of me… I remember heading out for a pre-Christmas kegger at Xenomorphs’ place, and suddenly it was June! Anyway, The Schmucks Dotcom is back, rested, refreshed and ready to go.
For my comeback rant, I decided to allow Xenomorph to pick a few tapes for me. Bad idea. Bad, BAD idea!
So, my friends… prepare yoursleves for the Rant du Jour. And I MEAN prepare yourselves… for this time, I’m bringing out the big guns… the RED HOT POKER UP THE ASS system! I decided I needed to after watching less than ten seconds of the first tape… no intros, no titles, not so much as a logo… just some guy called “Eddie” assuring me that tonight was going to be “one of the biggest nights”. And proceeded to ponder “Who will come out on top and who will be the ones left after its all over with.” After watching the show, I just hoped EVERYTHING about this company was over with…
Anyhow, for those unfamiliar with this system, I’ll award a number of red-hot pokers to be inserted up the rear end of the president of Freakz Championship Wrestling for particulary bad matches and the like, and award bottles of cool, refreshing Molsons for good ones. So, join me as we check out FCW’s “FCW vs Alliance”.
-One red-hot poker right off the bat for the shoddy production values. I never saw so much as a title, so I had to guess at the PPV’s actual name. Where Xenomorph finds these tapes, I’ll never know…
Sinz vs Mercury (Hardcore Championship)
Sinz gets off the first offensive move, backing Mercury into the corner and drop-kicking him. Mercury no-sells and hits a tilt-a-whirl powerslam for 2. Sinz blocks something and hits an underhook suplex and corkscrew elbowdrop for 2. Bizzare springboard armdrag from Sinz, Mercury no-sells and gets 2 off an Exploder suplex. T-Bone and Fishermans suplexes get 2. They head to the floor to brawl. Sinz gets 2 off a somersault senton, which Mercury takes while standing. That’s a good way to break your own neck, Sinz… Mercury no-sells FOUR chairshots and they fight into the crowd. They trade moves in the fans, with Sinz busting out the EAR RINGER OF DOOM! Back to the ring, they start the furniture spots. Every variation of suplex imaginable gets hauled out, with neither man selling a thing. It’s turned into a weird battle of wills, here… Finally, Sinz hits the Fall From Grace through a table to retain. Three hot pokers for boring the socks off of me with that crap.
Death vs Jake The Ripper (Heavyweight Title Match)
Two pokers before we start, for Jakes terrible pun of a name. Death stands around for a while and allows Jake to not only set up a chair, but then DVD him into it. One more poker for that start. They blow a double clothesline, Death no-sells another DVD and does the taker sit-up. Betcha didn’t see that coming… He shrugs off a DDT and hits Splash Mountain for 2. Jake gets 2 off a clothesline.(!!) So he no-sells a DVD, but clotheslines are his Archilles Heel, I guess. They do ten seconds of token mat-wrestling, still blowing the spots horribly before Death hits a top-rope DDT for 2, then a Tiger driver for 2. Good call, let’s destroy the effectivness of the most dangerous finisher in wrestling, shall we? They brawl mildly on the floor, Jake tries for a submission on the outside with the Ripper Wrench. Back in they go, where Weath submits to a LEGLOCK OF MILD DISCOMFORT! Six pokers up the ass for that miserable excuse for a match.
Sandman vs Mystique (Light-Heavyweight Title)
Sandman hits a torture rack drop right from the get-go for 2. They head for the floor ten seconds later for some lame brawling. The editing is so bad they simply seem to teleport back into the ring after a while. Mystique tries some mat-wrestling, but runs out of moves and begins repeating afer a few 2-counts. After about five minutes of go-nowhere action Mystique hits the “Last Breath”, but doesn’t cover. Sandman locks in the “Sandman Sleep” and somehow gets a three count off a submission move. Five red-hot pokers, one for each minute of this crap.
Super Squirt vs Ded Klown vs DMC (Handicap Title Steel Cage Match)
Where do I start? One poker in a painful place for making me think Dennis McCoy was going to snap me out of my boredom-induced coma with some bitchin’ BMX stunts. Two more for not finishing erecting the cage before the participants were introduced, resulting in a lot of standing around. That’s plain and simple bush-league stuff, folks. Eventually Klown gets us underway with a double clothesline. If you guessed someone no-sells it, give yourself a cookie. It’s Squirt this time, as he instantly recovers to hit a Sky High, coupled with a somersault legdrop from DMC. Klown actually uses a basic transition, turning an atomic drop into a bulldog. That puts this match well above the others in technical skills, anyway. Klown, who I assume is the champ, works over both men before DMC gets 2 off a spinebuster, leading to friction with his partner. They fight it out while Klown tries to escape the cage. No, I have no idea what the stips are, and Squirts subsequent 2-count on DMC from a Ligerbomb just confuses the issue. Klown gets all the way to the top of the cage as his opponents trade moves, then hits a Suicidal Tendancies onto both of them. For the first time in the PPV, everyone sells! (And there was much rejoicing…) Klown abruntly revives and gives both men a “Twizted(sic) Soul”. He climbs the cage again, leaving Squirt to pin DMC, presumably for the title. Klown hits another Suicidal Tendancies on Squirt, continuing the trend of overly-repeated spots tonight. He spikes the ball by giving Squirt the “Tears of Depression”, dumping him on his head and practically breaking his neck in the process. Five more hot pokers for the whole schemozzle and two for Klown for that attempt at maiming a fellow wrestler.
Kitty Kat vs Mystique vs Sydney (Womens Title Match)
Or at least, that’s what the video box leads me to believe. Instead what we get is…
Kitty Kat vs Venus vs Sydney
So we’ll add two hot pokers for simple sloppyness. Venus and Sydney kick things off, with KK on the apron. The sparse production values and inaudable commentary mean I have no idea of the stipulations, so we’ll just take this as it comes. Sydney gets the best of the early going with a legsweep and slingshot legdrop for 2. Venus hits a swinging neckbreaker after (all together now) no-selling the moves. Kitty is tagged in, flapjacking Sydney and applying the “Ziplock”. Sydney escapes, pounds on Kitty and hits a cradle DDT for 2. That loooked odd. Kitty obviously didn’t think so, doing the exact same move to Sydney for 2 of her own. Venus tags in and gets a two-count on Kitty with a dragon suplex. Kitty gets 2 with a gutwrench suplex before Sydney breaks the pin. These matches have zero flow to them, but you’ve probably guessed that already. Things go BONZO GONZO for a few seconds, before the ref herds out Sydney, only to have her tag in a second later. Well, that was nicely pointless. Stomachbreaker and Gory Special slows the pace of this already-interminable match. Kitty follows up with a tombstone for 2, drawing in Venus. Kitty basically ignores Venus’s DDT and continues to work over Sydney then tags out. Sydney takes a quick trip to the floor, Venus tries to wake up the crowd with a somersault plancha. Too little, too late. A tepid three-way brawl on the floor breaks out. Finally Venus rolls Sydney back into the ring, only to be hit with the “Phoenix Down” and pinned. It turns out to be elimination rules, sadly, meaning this dull match has to continue. A token wrestling sequence is provided, before a DVD gets 2 for Sydney. This is so enthralling I can hardly keep my eyes open. A THIRD cradle DDT gets 2. Way to expand the moveset, Kitty. She misses the Cat Crunch and takes a Phoenix Down to end the match. Sydney gets the belt, the president gets three more pokers up the backside. I crack open a Molsons’, confident I won’t have to reward this federation for a decent match anytime soon.
Warriors of Darkness vs Brothers of Destruction
*Sigh*. Here’s where the pain kicks in for Mr President. Two pokers for stealing Kanertakers tag team name. One for the fact that both The Warriors have already wrestled in singles matches earlier tonight. One for the Brothers being named “Porky” and “Sporky”, which sounds like a failed Nickelodeon cartoon. And four for the fact that one of the Warriors is Super Squirt, who was carted out by EMT’s just ONE MATCH AGO! His injuries have miraculously healed, with Squirt not even bothering to fake a limp or anything. The entire match is basically a squash, with Sandman and Squirt killing the Brothers in a variety of uninteresting ways, including some chairshottery. Porky gets some token offense at the end, before Squirt finishes with the Squasher. (A very appropraite name, given the context of the match.) Only six minutes or so, but felt like an eternity. Five more pokers are heading south…
Tom Ato Lee vs Jake the Ripper vs Perfect Redemption. (World Title Match)
So they have a Heavyweight Title AND a World title. Pick one, people! And with one title match still to go, I award seven red-hot pokers for almost having more titles than active wrestlers. (That’s one poker for each belt for those not keeping score.) I’ve lost any patience with this PPV, despite this being probably one of the best matches on the card. (Which still aint saying much.) Redemption wins by pinning both men after a double bulldog. One poker for making both guys job at once.
Dark Rage vs Savior (Iron King Title Match)
Wasn’t Iron King a character in “Tekken”? And if so, how does this belt qualify as being the Main Event when you’ve already decided your Heavyweight and World titles? Two pokers up the ass for making me confused! This is a ladder match, it seems. (As the ladder is set up in the ring PRIOR to the bell. Well, that’ll save time and get me to the end of this crap-fest quicker. One small glass of Molsons for that small mercy. Savior heads up after one shoulderblock and an elbowsmash. I think even HE wants to get the hell out of Dodge! Rage knocks it over, then runs stupidly into a powerslam on the steel. Savior goes up again, Rage legsweeps the ladder.(!!) They proceed to demonstrate the most half-assed mat-wrestling sequence I’ve ever seen. (Savior literally grabs Rages leg, gives a cursory twist that’s supposed to be a leglock, then lets go.) Two pokers for that alone. Rage gets slammed off the ladder… he no-sells. DDT, Rage goes up, but is left hanging when Savior spears the ladder. (Ouch!) Savior bats him to the floor with the ladder, where Redemption has magically appeared by the CHAINSAW-EDITING OF DOOM! He beats down Rage as Savior retrieves the belt. Six hot pokers for a moronic main event to end an equally moronic Pay-Per-View.
-But wait, there’s more! The alliance heads down to ringside en masse and proceed to punk out Savior and Redemption. (Despite the fact that Redemption is supposedly FROM the Alliance. I think.) After a while, the FCW wrestlers storm the ring. and it’s BONZO GONZO! And because nothing gets a buyrate like a mammoth, confusing brawl, the entire roster of Dawg Pound Wrestling ALSO arrive at ringside. Together, they attempt to set the record for Longest Brawl Without A Single Thing Worth Repeating as they slug it out for TWENTY MINUTES! So we’ll be fair and give them twenty hot pokers for kicks…
-Finally, FCW president Christian Xander arrives. He walks pretty well for a man with more than EIGHTY red-hot pokers up his tan track. He brings out the DPW’s president and another guy who’s going to run the new federation now they’ve offically merged. Best of luck in THAT endevour, pal… (Memo to myself: If I ever spot a tape from the “Straitjacket Wrestling Alliance”, AVOID IT! In fact, stomp on its head before it can breed!)
And thankfully, we end as abrubtly as we began.
The Bottom Line: DIE, FCW, DIE! I think I’ve made my point. Next up, Xenomorph treats me to an EHW Pay-per-View. I can hardly wait…
Strongest recommendation to avoid at all costs.