Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for GCW’s “Apocolypse”
Global Champinship Wrestling… A federation I’ve never watched. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, possibly wrapped in a burrito… more or less. Anyway, the video was cheap, and it’s a Pay-Per-View. So, let’s check it out!
-We are LIVE from Cleveland, Ohio. Our commentators are Blair No-Last-Name and Jay Something-Or-Other. Blair shouts meaningless stolen catchphrases, Jay plays face. Shakira arrives to sing the National Anthem. Blair has a verbal orgasm.
-The lights go out post-song, before some uber-bright spots cause Blair to screm that he’s been blinded. He’s making me wish I’d been deafened. Archangel arrives to hype the PPV to the fans. It appears that Sinn and Enigma are both jerking the curtain and appearing in the main event. In GCW logic, this means STARTING the night with the Undisputed Title Match. Right-o…
-“Jeffery” explains the rules of the “Pit” match. Basically, a no-holds barred match in a 20-foot deep rock pit located in a quarry somewhere. Sounds simple enough. Too bad for the paying fans, as it means watching the Main Event on the GCW-Tron.
Enigma vs Scott “Sinn” Matthews (GCW Undisputed Championship)
Matthews steals the Underbiker entrance, while Enigma rips-off Gangrel! Ahh, originality is running wild in the house tonight. Wrestling sequence from the bell, Enigma gets a hip-toss and uses the knee. He hits a press slam, then poses until Matthews recovers and clotheslines him. He punches away and punts a field goal into Enigmas’ ribs. Enigma reverses a suplex and pancakes him. A slugfest develops until Enigma hits a sidewalk slam. Double Big Boot KO, Matthews eventually hits a legdrop for 2. He crossbodies Enigma to the floor, taking himself out in the process. Enigma makes it back in before Khaal defies my expectations by doing a run-in during the first match of the night! She gives Matthews the Final Word and rolls him in. It gets 2. Enigma hits the dark Driver for 2. He berates the ref, allowing Matthews to hit the Faith No More chokeslam. (Huh? Well, it’s better than the “Alice In Chains” Chokeslam, I suppose…) Matthews fakes an injury, allowing Judgement to make Run-In #2, behing the refs back. Judgement Slam scores, bringing in Khaal to chairshot Judgement. Well, this is turning into a Big Ugly Brawl real quick. Matthews finally gets 2 after the shenanagins. Then lies around selling… um… nothing! They move to a turnbuckle so that Enigma can hit the Dark Matter for the pin to retain. 1/4* Well, that was a weak start to a show.
-At the quarry, The Abomination and Xavier arrives by limo to break rocks.
Khaal vs Dranth (#1 Contendership for the “Pay-Per-View” Title.)
So they have a title that only gets defended on Pay-Per-Views? Is that it? Whatever. Anyway, Jefferey arrives again to announce that Fang and Dark Assassin have been released, so this is reduced from a Fatal Four-way to a singles match. I have no problems with that. Dranth runs into a toehold and an ultra-brief mat-wrestling spot. Dranth responds with a shoulderblock off a whip and piledrives her. He works the back with an elbowdrop and spinebuster, but gets a shot in the pachingas. Leapfrog moonsault and DDT from Khaal. She brings in a chair, only to meet it faces-first after Dranth superkicks her from behind. He brings in a table, drawing Enigma out of the crowd for the third run-in in two matches… I sense a trend developing. He chokeslams Dranth and rolls him in. Khaal hits the Angel Slam for 2. A piledriver is countered with a sidewalk slam in a clumsy transition. Dranth then sells the power of his sidewalk slam by falling over himself. (The second non-contact double KO of the night.) And right away we mirror the superplex spot from match one. This time, Khaal shoves Dranth off to the floor, where Enigma places him on the table. Swanton Bomb from Khaal puts him through the woodwork. When they finally return to the ring, it gets 2. Khaal hits the Final Word, then the Nephalin Twist off the top to finish. 1/2* Flat and lifeless match. Some good skills shown by Khaal but nothing I’d pay to see again.
-Postmatch, Enigma gives Dranth a Dark Matter through another table. Probably a point to that, but if there is, I missed it.
-Meanwhile, Judgement and Sinn make it to the quarry in a Ferrari. Hope this place has a decent-sized carpark.
Jason Pena vs Super Scot (North American Title)
Before the match, Chris Smith promises Pena he’ll be in his corner. Pena tells him to butt out. I smell run-in number four… They do some token mat-wrestling until Scot overpowers Pena and DDT’s him. He hits a facebuster, then gets tossed off the top going for a superplex. Pena drops a 450 on him and hits a huricanrana for 2. Roll-up gets 2. Pena tosses Scot and hits a shooting star press off the top. He misses a corkscrew plancha. Nice moves, but no much flow so far. Scot brings Pena in and German Suplexes him head-first onto the bottom turnbuckle. That was either simple sloppyness or plain stupidity. You choose. Pena bails and avoids a tope from Scot. They move to the buckles, Scot hits a piledriver off the second rope. Jesus, these guys are going to paralyze each other! Legdrop gets 2 for Scot. Pena armdrags him and hits a moonsault for 2. He hits the Dog-Plex, Scot kills his finisher by kicking out a 2. Scot punts Pena out of the ring and actually hits the cross-body. They brawl until Scot tosses Pena back in over the ropes again. Pena shifts the momentum for the 9,000th time in five minutes, hitting an insanely-complicated Dumbasser variation. It gets 2 before Scot gets a foot UNDER the bottom rope to break. He hits the Raging Scot Driver to finish. * Just a bunch of spots. Disappointing, considering the obvious skill level of both men. At least there was no run-in.
-Meanwhile, back at the ol’ quarry, Jeffery arrives. He brings a sledgehammer. I now hate him. Judgement ALSO has a sledgehammer. I hate him, too. If anyone turns up with a garden rake, I’ll spot him two stars just for originalitys sake.
-Meanwhile, El Hombre is attacked backstage by Postman. With a hockey stick. I’m torn. It’s not a sledgehammer, but a Postman with a hockey stick? I fail to see the logic. (Besides, as a Canadian, I have to give Postman 2 minutes for tripping and slashing.)
The Revolution vs The Daniels Brothers (GCW Tag title Match)
The Revolution consists of Overkill and El Nutso. What’s their revolutionary catchphrase… “Terminate with extreme wackyness!”? The Daniels are Chris and Mike. I guess Jack was busy. Nutso gets shoulderblocked on a criss-cross, but hits a flying fist. Mike no-sells it and pounds away, then turns his back like a schmuck and gets dropkicked. He runs headlong into an armdrag, then a drop toehold. Overkill tags in, Mike suddenly decides not to be the fallguy and superkicks him. He tags in Chris, who suddenly becomes Mike in a horrible piece of clipping. I only realised it had been edited when Mike once again turned his back on his opponent and gets a boot in the face for it. Overkill no-sells everything, because he’s 7’4″, and is therefore entitled to be the Immovable Object. The crowd is actually chanting “This match sucks!” by now, so I guess I shouldn’t complain about the clippage. Mike finally kicks a crotch-goal and knocks down Overkill. He tags out, so Overkill ends his one-second selljob and DDTs’ Chris for 2. El Nutso tags in only to miss a top-rope kneedrop. Chris hits a legdrop and uses the knee for 2. Mike tags in and hits a top-rope bodyblock gets 2. Heel commentator Blair has lost track of who he’s supporting, berating the ref about slow counts for both teams. Maybe he’s taken a few brewskis to the booth with him. God knows I could do with a Molson right about now. Nutso hits a crescent kick for 2. The crowd is chanting “End this match!” Geez, where were you guys during that opening crap-fest? Overkill comes in and pisses the crowd off with a go-nowhere dragon sleeper. A mild pier-sixer breaks out, nothing overly interesting happens. Nutso gets 2 on Chris with a dropkick. Now Blair is complaining about fast counts. I start alphabetizing my DVD collection. Chris hits a spinebuster, then a brainbuster and tags out. Mike hits a DVD for 2. The Revolution double-DDT Mike, but the ref is staring off randomly into space instead of watching the action. That sums up the match right there… Chris tags in and powerbombs Nutso for 2. Overkill tags in and hits the Fatality. Abruptly, we get a run-in from Judgement and Sinn, who KO Overkill with the SLEDGEHAMMER OF ANNOYING REPETITVNESS for the DQ. No, in fact Judgement and Sinn are awarded the tag titles for no apparent reason. What a crock of shit. Firstly, we just saw footage of Judgement out at the quarry not ten minutes ago. Secondly, for all the abuse the announcers heaped on this “boring” match, it was praobably the best of the night so far. (Not that there was much to beat.) And finally, following this Cavalcade of Idiocy, we immediately cut BACK to the Quarry, and Hey, presto! There’s Judgement. Five hot pokers up the ass of the GCW president for trying to bury their own wrestlers on a Pay-Per-View. Keep the petty backstage shit backstage, where it belongs. The match was maybe *1/2 at best.
-Well, as I said, we cut back to THE PIT OF AGONY after the match. As well as Judgement having teleported back there, I can also see Overkill, El Nutso and Postman. Plus a wrestler called Thrill, who’s dressed in a squirrell suit. Y’know, there’s nothing wrong with being a badly-run bush-league wrestling federation. Going out of your way to call attention to that fact is a bad idea, however. The Pit itself looks like a set from the original series of “Star Trek”. Archangel sets the tone early by leaping into the “twenty-foot deep” pit, with no apparent ill-effects. Thrill falls in, everyone else uses the ladder. Jeffery explains the rules. Six men per side, all of whom have to exit the cage (Which is brought in by helicopter(!!) and will be set on fire(!!!) when the match starts.) Time for the first-ever Keith-bonics segment.
KIEITHBONICS #1: “KITCHEN STINKER”- A match which covers for a lack of talent by overbooking things to the point of parody, while throwing in multitudes of over-the-top gimmicks and stupid spots.
The PIT! Judgement, Sinn, Apocalypse, Postman, El Nutso, and Overkill VS Jeffery, Archangel, Abomination, Xavier, Enigma, Thrill.
Jeffery and Judgement spar with sledges from the get-go, and suddenly it’s Weapons-a-Gogo. And Stupid, Career-Risking Spots 101. I’m not even going to try to recap it, let alone give a star rating, as the thing runs about an hour without a single redeeming factor. It turns into a low-budget spy film at one point, as Abominations JET FIGHTER arrives.(!!!!!) How much is he supposedly getting paid in this podunk fed? Enough for a $40 million plus F-16? (Or is it? Thanks to the miracle of Stock Footage, it helpfully turns into a Harrier jump-jet on landing.) And, despite having 12 men beat each other with weapons, the booking commitee obviously decides we need a run-in, as Khaal appears from nowhere mid-match. (Christ, if you’re going to spend a week filming the pro-wrestling equivalent to “Mad Max IV”, at least edit it properly!) I think Archangels team wins, but I was too irritated by the rampant stupidity to check for sure.
The Bottom Line: It couldn’t get much worse without getting into Red-Hot Poker ratings. Less of a wrestling Pay-Per-View than a bad LSD trip.
Strong recommendation to avoid