Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for IEA’s “Genesis”
Pull up a chair with me, Schmucksters and let’s check out another fledgling federation… this time, the overly-endowed-with-vowels IEA. Their “Genesis” PPV screened on the 29th of July, 2001… which shows how up-to-date I am at the moment…
-We are live from Brussels, in Belguim! Hank Jerome and Chris Franchesco are in the booth.
-In the pre-game show, Rage beats Orion, Johhny Seven went over Achilles and Sean Juan and Mystic had a double count-out to mercifully kill a dull, dull match.
IEA World Title Tournament Semi-Final Match: Steel vs Hades
Hades is from New Jersey.. get it? He’s a New Jersey Devil! Bwa-ha-haaa… Any thoughts of further comedy are killed by the barb-wire wrapped chair he’s carrying. Staredown, Steel blocks the first punch, but runs into a clothesline. Scoop slam and elbow drop get 2 for Hades. Steel bails after a mudhole stomping from Hades. Hades waits on him, before locking in an ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF MILD DISCOMFORT. He eventually lets him go, Steel hits a spear and works the leg. Standing dropkick, Hades bails as Steel sells a rib injury. They brawl briefly on the floor. Hades hits the buckle on a blind charge, allowing a roll-up for 2. Hades works the ribs, including three reverse backbreakers for 2. (Rib-breakers?) Steel reverses, and applies the ankle lock. Hades makes the ropes, back outside for a longer brawl. Hades uses a chair on the ribs of Steel, then sets him up on the commentators table. Steel reverses and applies a Boston Crab instead. Inside, a DDT get 2 for Steel. He misses an elbowdrop, allowing Hades to hit the “Watering Disease” Suplex-to-powerbomb for 2. (Say what? I’m sure that’s what Hank called it, anyway…) Hades misses another blind charge and takes his own “Heavan To Hell” top-rope brainbuster for a long 2. Steel hits the Steel Driver and applies a Katihajime submission hold on the (Much-worked over) leg of Hades. Hades eventually taps out. **1/4 Not a bad opener, with bonus points for maintaing the pyschology all the way to the end.
2nd Semi Final: Beyond vs. Matt “Yawner” Rison
Beyond gets a very cool entrance, wheras Rison seems far too energetic for someone nicknamed “Yawner”. Where did that nickname come from, anyway? I know I’ve seen him do a long-winded interview before, but surely being called “Yawner” can’t be a compliment? Rison tries for an early pin off a cross-body block, gaining 1. Beyond retaliates with a belly-to-back and uses the ankle lock. Bulldog, he goes to the figure-four. Rison reverses, Beyond breaks the hold. Flying forearm from Rison, Beyond bails and pulls Rison legs out from under him. He works the leg on the ringpost, then goes up for a moonsault. Northern Lights gets 2. Risons escapes an attempted armbar and spinbusts Beyond. The “Grace Period” kick-in-the-nuts follows, and a bronco buster. Springboard moonsault off the top rope gets 2. Beyond reverses Risons’ ‘Shattered Dreams” DDT into his “Round The Town” finisher for the pin. *1/3 Didn’t have the flow of the first match, but nothing too horrible, either…
Freak Show (Skarth & Harinan) vs Perfect Destruction (Jason “Nailz” Rhodes & John Riner)
“Nailz” Rhodes. Good Lord, two horrible wrestlers inhabiting the same body! Exorcism required in the IEA, stat! Third consecutive match in which pyrotechnics in the turnbuckles are used, incidently… Riner gets the early advantage with an interesting tilt-a-whirl piledriver for 1. Slugfest, karth gives Riner 10 in the corner. Legdrop, tag to Haranin, doible-team axehandle and a powerslam gets 2. They take it to the floor, Skarth takes a bump into the steps. Back in, a double KO and Nailz gets the luke-warm tag. He cleans house and gets 2 off a super armbreaker on Harinan. Suplex-to-stunner-ish move, Riner is tagged back in. They hits the Back Out for 2. Riner demonstrates some submission holds, Heranin makes the ropes. Nailz tags in and hits a uranage suplex on your Face-By-Default In Peril. Riner and Skarth both come in as Hernanin gets a foot on the ropes at 2. The ref gets tied up with Riner, allowing the Freaks to double-team to their hearts content. Skarth hits the Mile High Meltdown for 2 before a foot on the ropes saves Nailz. Skarth makes the tag, preventing the ref from seeing Nailz’s reciprocal tag in the process. Okay, maybe Perfect Destruction are the faces. The crowd is half-way between “Divided” and “Dead”, so it’s anyones guess. Heranin chokeslams Nailz and gets 2. Double-team as Riner comes in again, They set up the Lightz Out. Nailz reverses into a victory roll on Hearanin for 1 as Skarth is knocked from the top to the floor. (Which looks terrible, as he tries to protect himself on the way down, rather than taking it like a man.)He still sells it like he’s bben knocked out, though, allowing the “Wrath of Destruction”(??) by Perfect Destruction. The PDQ Slam gets the pinfall. *1/4
Ken “Motley” Krew vs. Warpath (w/Aurora) (Steel Cage Match)
“Motley” Krew? (I’ll give you one guess as to which band he uses for his intro… and it aint Limp Bizkit!) Huge brawl right out of the gate, Krew hits a big boot and powerslam. Warpath blocks and reverses a suplex. He tries to escape, but is dragged down by Krew, who applies a full nelson. Warpath prevents Krew from boring the crowd by immediately jawjacking him. Fusion Bomb, Warpath climbs to the top. He decides against winning, instead hitting the “Cuban Missle Crisis”. (AGAIN? Duck and cover! Reds under the bed! *Ahem* Sorry…) Krew basically no-sells it, clotheslining Warpath as they get up and using a Boston Crab. (In Brussels?) Hank tries to convince us it’s a wear-down move. No, it’s a boring rest-hold, Hank… Warpath waits until he lets go, then repeatedly sends Krew into the steel. Two powerbombs and a spear, Warpath heads for the door. Ken tries to drag him back, fails, and launches a desperation spear. Warpath steps out of his way, Krew hits the buckle and Flair Flips out the door for the upset win. * Nothing much to see here.
Bad Intentions (W/Allysin) & Chaos Inc. vs Strong Island Boyz & Deth Squad
To save space in the intro line, I’ll give you the wrestlers names here. BI are “Suicidal Tendacies” Brian Fletcher and “Journeyman” Louis Allen, continuing the trend of wrestlers named after medicore rock and pop bands. CI are Chaos and Apocolypse. The SIB’s are Pain and Knightmare, DS are Deth and Razor. (Deth, Boyz, Allysin and Knightmare… and who says wrestling is contributing to the decline of SAT scores?) More ringpost pyro… the IEA must be buying those in bulk. Also continuing a trend, Chaos tries for a pinfall from the opening bell, fishermans suplexing Razor for 1. He works the leg with dragon screws, Razor powers out of a powerbomb and tags Deth in. Spiked powerbomb, the ref prevents Apocolypse from entering, leading to a qudruple team on the hapless Chaos. Chaos avoids a leg lariat and GORE GORE GORES Deth. Double tag renders the previous beatdown kind of pointless. Apocolypse and Knightmare trade punches, with Knightmare scoring with an exziguri. Asai moonsault for 2. Apcolypse tags in Fletcher who side kicks Knightmare and facejams him. Allen tags in, spiked piledriver gets 2. Knightmare tags out easily, bringing Pain into the match. He cleans house, dropping all four of his opponents. Pier-eighter breaks out as everyone hits the ring. Chaos is frog-splashed through the announce table by Razor as Allen takes the “Tonsillectomy” from The Strong Island Boyz. They dogpile him for the pinfall. ** Your standard 8-man Monday Night level match.
“Extreme Public Enemy” Charcoal(??) vs. Canis (Extreme Title Match)
Public Enemy? Now we’re into the gangsta rap groups, I see… The stips are a Coal Miners Match. Canis is the first man tonight to get a bona fide heel reaction from the crowd. Franchesco says that a Coal Miners match is “right up Charcoals alley”, which is either a pun on his name, or a wierd sexual euphamism. A chair comes in after one clothesline, with Canis drop toe-holding Charcoal onto it. He misses an elbowdrop and gets bulldogged onto the chair. Charcoal tries for the loaded glove, Canis electric chair drops him. Brawling, Canis gets a crucifix slam as he tries for the glove. Hank decides Charcoals nickname is too long and starts calling him “EPE”. Eeepee? The KENDO STICK OF BAMBOO DEATH comes into play as Charcoal beats down Canis. He tries for the glove, Canis takes him down with a back suplex off the top. He backdrops Cahrcoal out and they brawl on the floor. Canis takes a drop toehold onto the rail, allowing Charcoal to retrieve the glove. Canis recovers enough to hit a reverse neckbreaker and swipe the glove. Top-rope fistdrop from Canis. He covers as the ref begins to count so slowly I originally thought I’d accidently pressed “super slow-mo” on my remote. Beyond runs-in to break the count. (Thus explaining the slow count… I think he missed his cue.) He chairshots Canis and switches the glove to Charcoals hand. Fistdrop scores, another extended 3-count and Charcoal wins the title. Franchesco calls it a “fast count”. In who’s universe, Chris? *1/3 Mediocre at best.
Hades vs Matt “Yawner” Rison
Wow, deja vu! This is the #1 contendership to the world title. Not to tell the IEA their business, but if both these guys lost their semi-final matches, shouldn’t whoever loses the Main Event final be the #1 contender? Anyway, more ringpost pyro for Hades, who cheapshots Rison before the bell. Twin snap suplexes for Rison, before Hades ties him in the ropes. Goofy spot as Hades blind charges him, Rison slips out an arm and kind-of ducks, sending Hades to the floor. He spikes the ball with a tope suicida onto Hades. (Insert “He fell all the way to Hades” joke here…) He gets posted trying to dive on Hades from the apron, who sends him into the steps. Hades sends Rison back in and dropkicks OVER the top ropes, which is novel. He gets crotched on the top turnbuckle, Rison sets up a Frankensteiner. Hades holds on and simply catapults him over the ringpost and down to the floor. This would be the pont I say “Ouch”. Ouch. Hades adds an exclamation point by delivering the “Demon Crusher” DVD onto the ringsteps. I’ll see that “ouch” and raise you a “Holy Shit”. He returns to the ring, where Rison reverses a suplex into a small package for 2. A tifecta of dropkicks from Rison, then a top rope version as a kicker. Risonsault for 2. Rison brings in a chair and gives Hades the “Grace Period” dropkick-in-the-crotch. Rison goes up, Hades crotches him. He heads up for the Heaven To Hell, stright onto the CHAIR OF IRONIC DOOM. The 3-count is a formality. *** Solid, brutal and a clean finish. No complaints, sire!
Main Event Ladder Match for the IEA Title: Beyond vs Steel
Steel tries a headlock to control early, leading to a criss-cross sequence to a hiptoss from Beyond. Beyond goes to the headlock, another criss-cross, Beyond scores with a spinning heel kick. He sends Steel into the corner, Steel bounces straight back out and clotheslines him. He slams Beyond and heads out for the COOKIE SHEET OF CULINARY DOOM! He walks into a spear and gargoyle suplex on his return. Beyond hits the FLYING BAKEWARE SHOT and brings in the ladder. Steel regains his feet and spinebusts Beyond. He drops the ladder on him, then makes the first attempt at the belts. Beyond upends the ladder, Steel meets the turnbuckles. Front face slam and moonsault from Beyond, he heads up. Steel belly-to-backs him off the ladder. He’s the first man up, legdropping Beyond. Underhook powerbomb, Steel goes to the high-rent district. Impressive DDT delivered from the top rope for Beyond. Steel goes up, Beyond powerbombs him off. Steel gets drop-kicked into the corner, where he catches Beyond’s blind charge and flapjacks him. Dragon backbreaker into a dragon sleeper from Steel. Have I ever mentioned the pointlessness of submission holds in ladder matches? (Only about a dozen times, I think…) He eventually lets go and dumps the ladder on Beyond. The 20-foot tall ladder is brought in by Steel, Beyond makes the Superman recovery and sunsets flips him off the apron to the floor. Long selling ensues. Beyond tries a hurricanrana, Steel powerbombs him through the Spanish annouce table. He returns to the ladder, Beyond spears the ladder(!), Steel takes the bump to the floor. Beyond is selling a rib injury, calling attention to the fact that Steel isn’t, despite doing so in the opening match. Sloppy. Springboard senton from Beyond, mucho resting results. They brawl into the crowd, returning to make simultaneous attempts at the belt. And simultaneous swandives to the canvas, naturally. Beyond beats on Steel and sets up a table on the outside. Beyond is now selling a knee injury. He slams Steel onto the table and hits an insane 810 (2 1/2 somersault) spalsh off the big-ass ladder. More lying around, before both men rise to brawl some more. They trade moves in the ring, with Beyond reversing the Steel Driver into the Around the Town invert tornado DDT. They fight atop the ladder, Beyond tosses Steel down to the mat and retrieves the belt for the win. ** Not bad, but overly formulaic, and the impact of the huge bump was completely negated by having the match go on for another five minutes to a somewhat anti-climatic finish. Very stop-start, too.
The Bottom Line: Fairly middle of the road stuff, but nothing that even came close to negative ratings. Plenty of potential here… given time, and with a little more polish, they can only improve.
Thumbs in the middle