Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for IEA’s Mortal Sins
The IEA’s (International E-Wrestling Alliance) follow-up to it’s inaugural “Genesis” PPV was the “Mortal Sins” PPV in August of 2001. And, after a frustrating time trying to work on a computer with a rapidly-disintergrating mouse, I’m in no mood for a long-winded intro this time. So, let’s just go to the tape!
-We are live from Los Angeles, California. Your hosts are Hank Jerome and Chris Franchescho.
-In the pre-game show, The One pinned Jimmy Rooster with a bridged German suplex, and The Scaggs squashed the C & S Express with a spiked piledriver.
Jeff Stenson vs Jimmy G Gorgeous
Before the intros even begin, we get footage of Archilles suffering a beat-down at the hands, feet and chair of Johnny Seven. Gorgeous goes ballistic right off the bat, but gets speared after a telegraphed bodydrop. Belly-to-belly and northern lights suplexes from Stenson. Bodyslam, Stenson gets 2 from a small package. Superplex and Boston Crab, Gorgeous reaches the ropes. Sharpshooter, ditto. Tilt-a-whirl suplex and powerslam. Gorgeous is getting zero offense here. Spear and cloverleaf and it’s all she wrote as Gorgeous taps. DUD. Gorgeous even does a stretcher job after his exhausting 4-minute battle.
-Backstage, another beat-down is JIP. This time, Chaos Inc. is getting their butts handed to them by two Mysterious Masked Men(TM) and a Mystery Woman.(Pat. Pending) They drape the luckless tag-team with Deth Squad T-shirts and depart.
Warpath (w/Aurora & Terry Bodacious) vs. Skarth (w/Heranin)
Skarth cuts a brief promo before heading out to ringside. Neither man can gain an early advantage from the lock-up, so it becomes a slugfest. Warpath whips Skarth to the ropes, Bodacious snags his ankle. He gets a boot in the face from Skarth, Warpath clotheslins Skarth out of his boots. Bodacious and Warpath play Heels-By-Default, distracting the ref and choking out Skarth respectivly. They brawl to the floor, Warpath tries for the ringbell. The ref snags it, Skarth dropkicks the distracted Warpath. A second dropkick dings Warpaths head into the steps. Skath posts him repeatedly and pins him inside the ring for 2. DDT for 2. Powerslam for 2, Warpath backdrops Skarth to counter a piledriver. Warpath goes Clothesline Crazy, until Skarth ducks one. Belly-to-belly gets a long 2 for Skarth. Double KO, both men are up quickly. Warpath hits a bulldog, Heranin tries to make the save and is knocked off the apron. Warpath walks into a superkick and gets tied in the ropes. Skarth dropkicks the defenceless Warpath in the face. Ouch! Heranin now gets in on the dirty tricks, choking Warpath. The ref slides out to reprimand him, allowing Bodacious to hit the “Fish In A Barrel” on Skarth. Warpath gets 2 and 9/10s on the resulting cover. Skarth tries to bail, Warpath brings him back in and hits the “Cuban Missile Crisis” for 2. Northern Lights and big splash for 2.999! Heranin gets in a sneaky chairshot from the floor, Skarth nails the Mile High Meltdown for 3 as Bodacious in too late to make the save. *** Nice, tightly paced match, with excellent work from both men. (And some nice assists from the “Faces-resorting-to-cheating” partners as well…) Postmatch, the obligatory bench-clearing brawl forces the REF’s OF JUSTICE to intervene.
-Backstage, Chaos Inc. continue the theme of the night, delivering a retaliatory beatdown to the Deth Squad. Violence just begets violence, I suppose.
Archilles vs. Johnny Seven (TV Title #1 Contendership Match)
Seven makes his entrance from the crowd, clocking Archilles with a chair from behind. Dirty pool, old man! A cobra clutch as the match is officially started, followed by a dropkick for 1. Archillies legsweeps and applies a half-crab. Seven is too close to the ropes, so Archilles drags him to the middle and tries a camel clutch. Seven squirms out, Archilles gets 2 off a double-leg takedown. Lowblow and inziguri from Seven turns the tide, knocking Archilles to the floor. Seven hits an Asai moonsault. Back inside, flying clothesline gets 2. Archilles trips Seven up as he stomps a mudhole, spear and Superplex for 2. Seven ducks a clothesline and nails the “Seven And Out” 3/4 neckbreaker. He goes up instead of covering, Archilles pops up and dropkicks him. “Burning Arrow” reverse DVD, Archilles locks the (You guessed it) “Archilles Heel” on Seven, who submits. *1/2
Aneurysm vs Lil-Saint (Extreme Title #1 Contendership)
L-Saint demonstrates some arm-draggery, Aneurysm hip-tosses him and we go to move #178, (arM-BAr) wildly oversold by Saint. The initial chairshot of the match gets 2 for Aneurysm. Chair-assisted senton from Aneurysm, he tosses Saint out to the floor. He sets a table up between the ring and the rail, no-selling Saints punches the whole time. Massivly contrived bump as Aneurysm actually carries Saint all the way to the top rope to deliver a powerslam through the table. A second table is used, with Lil Saint taking a “Brain Damage” through it in the ring. A one-finger cover gets the pin for Aneurysm. -* for wasting PPV time on a moronic squash like that.
The Strong Island Boyz vs. Bad Intentions (#1 Contendership to the Tag Titles)
Prior to the match, The SIB reveal themselves (NOT like that, you sick puppies!) to be the Masked men who attacked Chaos Inc, thus setting up the Deth Squad for a beatdown. They also bring out their returning valet, Leia. They call out Bad Intentions as we get shots of Deth Squad and Chaos Inc watching monitors. Is that the scent of a huge impromptu brawl I smell? Medium-sized brawl breaks out as Bad Intentions hit the ring, ending with Fletcher and Pain alone in the ring. Quick wrestling sequence, Pain getting the best of it with a DDT. Short-arm clothesline, Knightmare is tagged in. Fletcher reverses a suplex, warm-ish tag to Allen, House a’smouldering. Guillotine legdrop on Knightmare gets 2. He argues the count and gets superkicked. Fletcher pulls Knightmare off at 2. Pier-sixer breaks out, Fletcher takes the “Blackout” and is thrown out of the ring. The OVERLY PREDICTABLE RUN-IN OF DOOM happens, as Deth Squad and Chaos Inc. charge the ring. Pier-Twelver breaks out and the ref DQ’s everybody in the arena. * Generic schmozz, stuck in fast-forward.
Matt “Yawner” Rison vs. Steel (#1 Contendership for the IEA World Title)
Rsion is already the #1 contender, making this match somewhat surplus to requirements… He plays the pysch game with a slap from the bell. Steel responds with a clothesline. Nice comeback. Snake Eyes and fists o’ fire from Steel. The ref drags him off, allowing Rison to take over, dropkicking Steel and crotching him on the ringpost. Springboard fameasser from Rison, he misses the Heartstopper. Steel belly-to-bellies Rison off the top rope and applies a Boston Crab. Rison manages to power out and turns a possible bearhug into a roll-up for 2. Crossbody gets 2. Rison splashes Steel in the corner, but is clotheslined attempting a second. Steel applies a torture rack, then powerbombs Rison and locks in a sharpshooter for the submission. *1/2 Neither man really seemed to be into that one. The post-match run-in (As Hades attacked Steel) seemed tacked-on as well.
Jason Black vs Sanguis (TV Title Match)
Seven matches in, we get our first title on the line. Building the momentum is good, but there’s a few squashes on the mid-card that could have been dispensed with… Sanguis’ “Video Wall Of Dictators” entrance is in slightly poor taste. He controls the early going, working Blacks’ leg with an ankle lock. Black makes the ropes to break and bulldogs Sanguis on the subsequent lockup. He hits what Hank calls a “Hugh Conor” splash… I’m not familiar with Mr Conor… although with Jeromes delivery, it’s possible that was a “Huge corner splash”. Anyway, Black gets sucker punched attempting a superplex, Sanguis drops a 360 guillotine legdrop on him. Half-nelson suplex and dragon sleeper, Black barely gets a toe on the ropes to break. Black fights back with a football tackle into the corner. He tries another superplex, Sanguis lands on his feet and delivers the Bloodhound for the pinfall. 1/4* Another brief squash with no place on a PPV. Followed by ANOTHER post-match run-in, with Archilles locking Black in the Archillies Heel until an army of refs drag him off. Stretcher time for Black. Is there some rule that everyone who jobs has to suffer a beatdown tonight?
Canis vs. Charcoal (W/ Trash Can of hardcore weapons) vs. Sean Juan (Extreme Title Triple Threat Texas Death Match)
Canis’ comes in as champ… and his entrance is almost longer than the entire previous match! He’s so intent on posing, he never spots the 2×4 Charcoal brought with him until he’s floored with it. Charcoal beats on him, but gets lowblowed by Juan. He no-sells, giving Juan a swinging neckbreaker instead. Canis side suplexes Charcoal and smashes the SHINY TRASHCAN OF DOOM over his head. Juan and Canis double suplex Charcoal, then duke it out. Full nelson slam drops Juan, Charcoal canes Canis. Charcoal and Juan trade pinfall attempts on Canis, then get into a shoving match. Juan is DDT’ed onto the trash can, Charcoal produces the STAINLESS STEEL FORK OF DOOM and gouges Canis with it. This would be the perfect time to blade, if Canis hadn’t already done so after the kendo stick shot. Juan also blades off some cutlery-related violence. They hit a nice double-team backdrop-to-powerbomb combo on Charcoal, who negates it completely by refusing to sell. So Canis drags the match down a few notches by smashing a fluorescent light bulb over Charcoals head. They brawl to the floor, goofy move as Juan and Charcoal catch Canis’s flying body press and flapjack him on the floor. Canis is pinned, but makes it to his feet at 8 as Charcoal chairshots Juan. Juan responds by suplexing him onto it. Into the crowd, walk-and-brawl, enter the staple gun. E-C-Dub is dead, boys… The worst part is that Franchesco is strating to sound like he’s on the verge of an orgasm after that spot… literaly! They make it backstage, where Juan is pinned after a helicopter bomb from Canis. He gets up at 4. Into the concession stand, where Juan goes for the STINGING SATIRE of a spinning toehold, complete with sarcastic commentary from Franchesco. Hardcore Comedy Hour continues as Charcoal breaks a bottle on Juan, then slips and KO’s himself in the spilt liquid. Canis pins him. He brawls with Juan as Charcoal is counted out. The ladies bathroom is next on our tour of HORRIBLY CLICHED HARDCORE ENVIRONMENTS. Canis gets a swirly from Juan. No, stop you’re killing me with this subtle humour. *sigh* Abrubtly, they hit the right button to make me laugh… as Canis ineffectually attacks Juan with a spork. We’re in the carpark by now. Both men go down after a cradle suplex, prompting Hank to ask “Could you imagine if these two had to go at agin next week if this went to a draw?” Trust me, Hank… I’d rather not… Juan pins Canis, then stupidly distracts the ref by snatching the title as the count reaches 9. The ref breaks the count, of course, allowing Canis to steal someines’ hubcaps. I think that was bad News Browns’ gimmick, actually. He nails Juan with it and piledrives him on a cars’ roof. More walk-and-brawl, Juan lands the “White-Out” fishermans’ suplex. Charcoal runs-in and breaks the count at 2. And so, we’re back to the three-way brawl despite Charcoals elimination. Fuck. Ugly blown DDT from Charcoal, Canis takes both men down and hits an inverted chicken wing ace crusher. (Try saying THAT three times fast…) He lays out Charcoal with a rocker dropper and pins Juan. He spikes the ball by gut-wrenching Charcoal onto Juan, ensuring he stays down for the 10-count. Thank God. 3/4* for the spork. The rest had been done to death a dozen times over in a dozen federations I could name. Almost a “Greatest Hits of Hardcore” package…
-Postmatch, they compound the stupidity by having ambulances pull up. Did the EMT’s had a premonition that the match would end out there, or what?
Deth squad vs. Chaos Inc. (Tag Titles Match)
This is, of course, the blow-off for all the backstage shenanagins earlier. We hope. Deth and Apocolypse (Which kind of sounds like it should be a Slipknot song title) start things off. A little Irresistable Force/Immovable Object sequence before Deth runs into a big boot. Chaos tags in, Deth goes for a ride on a double suplex. Deth reverse a whip and hits a powerslam. Lukewarm tag to Razor, he clotheslines Chaos, but gets one right back as he tries an Irish whip. Chaos meets the boot on a blind charge, Razor scores wit a mssile dropkick. Legdrop, Apocolypse blindsides razor as he springboards to the top. Chaos jawjacks him and we get a crawl race for the tags… after about three minutes. Overselling reeks of awesomeness! Double tag leads to a slugfest, Apocolypse rakes the eyes and avalanches Deth. Another blind charge, another raised boot, another clothesline, this time from Deth. Razor tags in and splashes Apocolypse for a Darius Smooth-style loooooong 2-count. Razor misses an inziguri, Apocolypse applies a Boston Crab. (The third tonight, for those keeping score at home…) Deth makes the save, leading to a double-team as the ref ushers him out. Chaos misses an elbowdrop, then runs into a drop toehold on a blind charge. Hot tag Deth, a’house cleaning we go, Deth gets twooooooooooooooooooooooooo from a dropkick on Chaos. Chaos goes to the eyes and hits a spinebuster for 2. Chaos complains about a slow count… I’m in full agreement with ya, buddy! Roll-up from Deth gets another interminable 2-count. They reverse whips until Apocolypse gets a cheapshot in from the outside, allowing a DDT by Chaos for 2. Hank is shilling this relativly mediocre match like the second coming of Hogan by now. Deth blocks a superplex and hits a flying clothesline. Yet another crawl race and double tag, now Apocolpyse is the House Of Fire. Gorilla press, bearhug and belly-to-belly on Razor. Razor ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own, springboard elbow and shooting star press gets 2. Eventually, as Chaos saves. Four-way brawl breaks out, Apocolpyse nails the Trepidation superkick on Razor. One protracted 3-count later, Chaos Inc. win the titles. *3/4 Nothing world-shattering.
Hades vs. Beyond (IEA Title Match)
Beyond tries a few punches from thelockup, but Hades no-sells like only a 300-pounder can. Beyond quickly switches to the knee, with some lightning-quick dropkicks. He works on the knee, then makes the mistake of alunching a bodyblock. Hades catches him and hits a fallaway slam. Beyond falls to the floor, Hades persues him and just tosses him over the announce table like a sack of laundry. He posts Beyond and bounces him off the steps. Beyond reverses another whip, sending Hades into the steps knees first. Good pyschology as Hades sells the injury like a pro. Asai moonsault off the apron knocks Hades into the crowd. Beyond springboards off the railing, right into a powerslam. Hades drags him back to the ring and stunguns him. He charges, only to be caught by Beyond, who goes straight back to the leg. The classic figure-four is utilised, Hades uses his power to turn it over. Beyond manages to make the ropes and DDT’s Hades. He goes up and gets crotched, Hades sets him up for the “Heaven To hell” top-rope brainbuster. Beyond slips out, but gets tombstone in an badly-worked sequence. Hades locks a cloverleaf on Beyond as Steel walks down the aisle. He’s met by Vernon Kissenger, who was hiding under the ring. (W/ BLINDING POWDER OF IRRITATION!) Beyond hits the “To The End And Back” rana on Hades for 2. (Some very unwieldy finisher names in the IEA…) Superkick and rolling splash get 2. Beyond applies the sleeper, Hades arm falls twice and no more. Belly-to-back, Beyond lands lithely on his feet and puts Hades into the buckle. He takes Hades up top, but is caught and chokeslammed by Hades. Hades manages to roll over and pin for 2. They slug it out and tease their finishers, Beyond scores with a dropkick. hades removes a turnbuckle pad in super-quick time and stunguns Beyond on it. Beyond does a mild bladejob. (About 0.00004 of a Muta) Hades hits the Demon Crusher for 2. He calls for the “Watering Disease” (still a stupidsounding move in anyones’ book), Beyond reverses into a hurricanrana. Hades drags the ref in the way to block a springboard moonsault, nighty-night to Kyle Mackal… Beyond immediatly hits his “Around the town” and pins for a crowd-counted 3. No ref, natch… Kissenger sends in the barb-wire chair, Barbed-Van Hades-Wirenator scores. The ref counts three (Or at leasy, everyone else in the place did…) but it’s only two, it seems. Hades goes up for a chair-splash, the ref grabs it, allowing Beyond to dropkick Hades to the floor. Ouch. Beyond has upped his bladejob to a more manly 0.5 Muta in the process. They head to the announce table, (Starting a premature “Holy Shit” chant) Beyond nails a Phoenix Suplex through the woodwork. EMT’s arrive and cart both men up the aisle… Beyond rolls off his and overturns Hades before the PPV can end on a REALLY anticlimatic note, luckily. They fight back to the ring, Beyond lands the 450 splash for 2 before Hades gets a foot on the ropes. He sets Hades up on top and launches a rana, only to be caught in the “Heavan To Hell” brainbuster. Hades hits two rolling Germans, Beyond blocks a third and reverses for a bridged German of his own for 3. The bell rings and the belt is handed.. to Hades! Say what? The replay is shown, and yes, Hades has gotten a shoulder up and Beyond did not. I usually despise that finish, but the match was good enough to forgive it… just this once! ***2/3 Great effort put forth, but too little too late, sadly. A good climax to an otherwise forgettable card. And that’s the show…
-The Bottom L- Oh, wait… postmatch the Warriors arrive to say “Hey, we’re back!” And THAT’s the show.
The Bottom Line: After the potential shown in their debut outing, this qualifies as a major disappointment. Two good matches and EIGHT that were either dull, pointless or overblown to the stars. Like watching an extended RAW… with an above-average main event.
Mild recommendation to avoid.