The "Not" Keith Rant for IEW Ascension Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCMUCKS Rant for Inevitably Extreme Wrestling’s Ascension

Well, I this week I had the choice between buying the “Das Boot” DVD or plunking down my $29.99 to catch a PPV put on by Inevitably Extreme Wrestling. Did I make the right choice? Only history will judge…

On with the show…

After an somewhat over-the-top intro (With a slightly-tasteless cameo by Adolf Hitler, no less…) and huge amounts of pyro we are LIVE at Madison Square Garden.

Your hosts are “Grampa” Jack Hough and Alan “Pottymouth” McKnight. (Who announces he’s “sikked” up for the event? Did he mean Pysched? Or is the thought of Brad Kelly on a Pay-Per-View making him queasy?)

“The Darksider” Seth Harker versus Therapy

The commentary team refer several times to Therapy defeating Seth Harker at Dignity two weeks ago, a match I swear never happened (Unless Tony Ermac or Rick Storm are playing the part of Therapy tonight? However, Jack mentions the previous defeat no less than three times during this bout. Nice continuity, guys.) Therapy jumps Harker right from the get-go and gets off his only offensive move of the match, a series of punches. He sets Harker up for a piledriver, but Seth reverses it into a sloppy-looking back-body drop that dumps Therapy right on his head. Ouch. Seth goes up and shouts something, but the audio is too fuzzy to pick it up. Big splash gets two. More punches from Harker, then ten shots to the ringpost for Therapys head. Seth goes up and finishes the squash with a regular moonsault. (Not even busting out his corkscrew “Nightbringer” moonsault. ) Jack Hough proves his senility by calling a 217-pounder “the big man” as Seth gets the 3-count.

*1/2 Both men phoned this one in so obviously, they should have carried mobiles. At least it was short.

Tony Ermac vs. Brad Kelly (Extreme Rules)

Take “Extreme Rules” as “Hardcore Match” WWF fans. Ermac arrives with a lead pipe. Scott Steiner might sue… Brad Kelly makes his entrance, only to be KO-ed with a single chair shot by a Masked Man (MM for short, as I have no intention of writing “Masked Man” over and over, folks.) Big pop from the fans for making sure Kelly doesn’t wrestle, BTW. He also does a stretcher job. (After ONE chairshot? That would have been a VERY short Hardcore match!) MM takes Kellys place in the match and misses a clothesline, getting punched to the mat in the process. Ermac goes for a pipeshot and BOOM! Ballshot #1 ten seconds into the match. Both to the outside, and out comes the plunder. Garbage can lid to the skull of Ermac, resulting in our first Blade Job of the evening. MM sets up a table and lays Ermac on top, along with assorted garbage. MM tries a top-rope splash but Ermac moves. MM meets table, which explodes like balsa wood. Ermac recovers and leads MM up to the Ex-Tron, which both men begin spontaneously climbing. More brawling. In a truly contrived bit, MM “finds” a steel chair on top of the giant screen! Coincidences never cease…

MM tries to powerbomb Ermac off the screen (which Jack “The Master of Understatement” Hough calls “150 feet in the air!” Yeah, and Tazz is 7’2″, Jack…) and gets backdropped to the stage in an insane spot. Ermacs’ pin on the ramp is academic.He also removes MM’s mask, revealling Fondu. Um, whatever… **1/2 for the bump, although the match was nothing.

Backstage: Freak Daddy arrives.

Cyrus Storm vs. Spider-X (2/3 falls)

The stips state first fall by pin, second by submission, third under Extreme Rules if needed. Spider-X knees Cyrus in the abs and hits a DDT. Leg-drop, no cover. He tosses Storm out and hits a nice springboard move over the top. Back in, fisticuffs from both men. Drop toehold by Storm, followed by an anklelock. Ref breaks it up as it’s pinfalls only. Storm slams Spidey, then drops the Brett Hart 2nd rope elbow. Flying shoulder tackle gets two. Spider-X pulls a powerbomb out of nowhere, then hits a corscrew moonsault for the (very quick) first fall.

Second fall begins, with the exact same powerbomb/moonsault combo. Referee counts (despite the “submissions only” stip) and it gets two. Spider to the top, Cyrus slams him. He applys a Boston crab, but Spider won’t tap, so he so just releases it. Boring move anyway. Clothesline to the corner drops Spider. Cyrus abuses Spideys leg on the ringpost. Figure four in the center gets the submission after a (dubbed?) cracking noise. (These were the same mics that couldn’t pick up on what Seth Harker practically screamed in the first match, remember.)

Third Fall. Cyrus goes for the garbage right off the bat. He sets two chairs up and tries a powerbomb.. but you CAN’T POWERBOMB KIDMAN… sorry, Nitro flashback there. Spider backdrops Cyrus onto both chairs. He sets a table up in the corner and gives Cyrus a running powerslam through it. Cyrus no-sells this(??) and grabs the fabled “Big Bag O’ Thumbtacks”. He also wraps his fist in barbed wire and uses it to punch Spider in the head. (Hope he wasn’t planning on using THAT hand again.) DDT on the thumbtacks for Spider-X. Cyrus lays a board in the centre of the ring, and takes Spider-X up top. Top-rope powerbomb on the board, which explodes! Cyrus pins for three.

**1/2 It was no Cactus Jack/Terry Funk, no matter how much they borrowed from King of The Death Match. Adequate, to say the least.

Sam Douglas vs. John Outlaw

Some nice fast-paced action at the start, including a beautiful missile dropkick to the floor by Outlaw. Douglas reverses a powerbomb-looking setup into a Frankensteiner on the floor. Back in the ring, Outlaw turns an attempted springboard somersault into a powerbomb in a nice spot. It gets one. The ref is heard yelling “Get it back in the ring”, despite the fact they’re already there. Nice to see a competent offical for once. Not. Outlaw works the leg, including a Maple Leaf in the center of the ring. Douglas won’t quit, so Outlaw releases it. Short attention span? Tornado DDT gets 2. Superplex attempt is blocked. Douglas pushes Outlaw to the mat and tries a flying clothesline, but Outlaw manages to hook a crossface instead. These two are gelling nicely. Douglas makes the ropes. Outlaw whips him to the ropes, and Douglas pulls off a remarkable-looking suplex that dumps Outlaw face-first. John is first up, though and goes for a clothesline. Douglas simply drop-toeholds him onto the ropes. Nice move. Roll-up for 2. Brawl-For-All before Douglas nails a DOUBLE UNDERHOOK TIGERBOMB for 2.5! Brainbuster is reversed into a german suplex in another nice combo. Facejam gets 2 for Outlaw. Jackhammer for 2.7! A second Jackhammer is revesed and the ref is bumped. Mind Game from Douglas, but the ref is out. Ballshot #2 of the night regains control for Outlaw. He goes for a suplex, then midway it becomes a Facejam. Ho-ly shit! Cover, ref is up.. 2.75!!

Gutwrench slam from Outlaw. Incredible somersault frogsplash gets 2.9! Blind charge misses and a schoolboy gets Douglas 2. He hits a standing dropkick, then misses a clothesline and the ref is out for the second time in two minutes. Someone get this guy a crash-helmet! Outlaw takes advatange and powerbombs Douglas. And suddenly… we get a run-in by Tony Ermac. He proceeds to brutalise John Outlaw with his lead pipe, then hits a 450 legdrop from the top. Douglas adds insult to injury with a Highrise, and pins. The ref revives, and Douglas gets the 3.

**** Would have rated higher but for the run-in. These two really tore the house down, and a clean finsh would have been the capper on a great match. That said, the sleeper match of the night in anyones book.

Will Fletcher vs Steve Studnuts

Prez Stephen arrives at ringside once Studnuts and Fletcher are in the ring. He proceeds to waste our time by announcing this as an Extreme Match. His reason? He didn’t want the fans to have only one match as an Extreme Match tonight. Considering what we’ve already seen so far, the statement comes off as slightly nosensical.

Studnuts tries an early roll-up, which gets one. The match goes to the floor right off the bat, and Studnuts throws the first chairshot 20 seconds in. It’s a beauty, though, actually denting the chair. A whip to the rail is reversed, followed up by some weird flying butt-splash from Fletcher. Chairshot to the face follows, slamming the back of Studs head into the guardrail at the same time. Fletcher clotheslines Steve over the rail and they brawl in the crowd. The old “I-have-you-by-the-hair-so-you-must-follow-me” trick takes us to the concession stand. Studnuts eats concrete wall, but reverses a suplex on the concrete Steve sets up a table. Then in a “What The hell” moment, he is heard to ask the concession staff if they have any “lighter fluid or gasoline” back there. In a concession stand? The expression of confusion on my face was only matched by Steve’s “I can’t believe I’m saying this” look, indicating an IEW writer is going to have some serious explaining to do next time Steve is at the office.

Steve asks for a lighter, and dozens fly out of the crowd. In the mother of all contrived spots, Steve wraps them in a towel and breaks them open, presumably to extract the lighter fluid. This takes a while, so Fletcher is forced to sell the suplex like he’s been shot. Even more ludicrously, Alan McKnight claims Studnuts has probably done this “Dozens of times”. What, is it his party trick or something? Steve finally lights the table. Suspiciously huge flames erupt from it. More fluid in those little lighters than I thought, huh? Fletcher gets up, only to take a DDT on the floor. He blades from the shot as Studs makes the spot even more contrived by finding the 35-foot ladder for the Main Event nearby. He manhandles Will to the top of the ladder and sets him up for a piledriver(???) Lowblow #3 stops that, before the big “Holy shit” move of the match… a brainbuster through the flaming table. They roll out of the debris and Studnuts shirt is on fire. The booker should be shot for the unreasonable danger he’s putting his workers in here. A fan(?) appears with a fire extinguisher and puts out Studnuts as we get several replays of the bump. Finally, Fletcher covers… for 2. Now how in the name of God are they going to follow that one up?

Some more brawling takes them backstage. Studnuts tosses Fletcher down an elevator and performs a “Nu Jack On Crack” balcony moonsault, injuring his own knee in the process. They brawl beneath the stage and out to the ramp. Slam and legdrop get 2 for Studnuts. They finally make it back to the ring, whereupon Studnuts reaches beneath the ring apron to find.. a chair with a rag wrapped around it. Which he lights. Yes, there’s no Cactus Jack trick they won’t rip off, folks! A pliedriver on the chair is blocked with a backdrop. Studs sells this long enough for Fletcher to find a ladder under the ring, and set up a table, which he deposits Steve on.. He also finds some barbed wire, which he uses on Studs forehead. Steve blades, naturally enough. Fletcher chairshots Studs with the flaming chair, then climbs the ladder and delivers a 360 reverse barracuda, his finishing maneuver.

This is where things get a little crazy. As Fletch goes for the pin, another Masked Man (Probably not Fondu unless he has amazing recuprative powers) jumps from the crowd and breaks up the pin. (Two Masked Men in one night? Is Ole Anderson booking again? If this turns out to be Black Scorpion II, I quit!)

The remainder of the match becomes confused quickly. MM 2 attacks Fletcher, Steve attacks MM 2, Fletcher bleeds. At one point the MM uses the flaming chair, causing part of it to fly into the crowd. Even the audience isn’t safe in this one. Jack’s commentary has become so incomprehensible, I think he’s having an “episode”. Finally, Steve pins Fletcher on the floor for the win.

*** I would have loved to rate it higher, as both men gave their all, but the goofy booking and overdone spots sunk it.

VP Stephen vs Freak Daddy

This becomes an impromptu ladder match, with two contracts hanging above the ring. Stephen quickly tosses a bag full of barbed wire into the ring, and DDT’s FD onto it. Another quick blade job results. The usual ladder spots follow, and Stephen takes a wicked bump from the top of the ladder to the floor. FD drags tons of plunder out from the ring… including FOUR ladders…. be prepared, I suppose… and then the run-ins start! VP Cain arrives to lay out FD, then pours gasoline over him. What’s with the fire theme tonight? Then Sam Douglas runs-in and brawls with Cain, knocking him out with brass knuckles. He then Highrises Stephen out of the ring and into the assorted garbage in another sick bump for the Prez. Freak Daddy begins to climb the ladder, teasing an end to this clusterfuck of a match… and John Outlaw runs in!!! Jack Hough is practically coming his brains out with the “excitement” as the match (such as it was) degenerates into an ugly brawl in whch everyone blades. Freak Daddy finally puts us out of our misery by retrieving the contracts to become the new IEW President.

DUD Too many run-ins just killed the momentum of this one.

After the match, Freak Daddy proclaims Sam Douglas the new Vice president, then dleivers a Freak Show that drives Cain through the mat. And to top it all, he pours gasoline into the hole and sets the ring on fire. No, I’m not making that up. He set The RING ON FIRE! Jack pronounces Cain dead (Although, given how accurate his play-by-play is, that probably means nothng) and I run for the liquor cabinet, hoping to wash away the memory of that shemozzle.

The rating for the after-match festivities: -***

DooM vs. Cannon vs. Chris Curtis (Rising Star Title Match)

Plenty of brawling and more clotheslines than a Lex Luger match to start this one. Jack shouts “These men are incredible” after 3 clotheslines and a few punches. Don’t mix your perscription drugs there, Jack. More brawling, and Curtis accidently hits his stablemate Cannon with a flying something-or-other. Diving headbutt from DooM nails Cannon. And we.. Get the tables! (Too bad there’s not a Dudley in sight) The vicious hand of Crushing Irony sees DooM go through his own table at the feet of Curtis. More brawling between Curtis and Cannon. DooM takes out both men and sets up yet another table. He proceeds to hit the Ground Zero on Cannon, driving him through the announcers table. A chokebomb puts Curtis through the other table and a second Ground Zero gets the pinfall on Cannon to retain. But wait, here comes Prez Freak Daddy, who proceeds to strip DooM of his title! Yes, it’s a DUSTY FINISH! FUCK! Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck!!

Anyway, DooM chases FD off and Cannon and Curtis fight it out. Much brawling, with the odd actual, y’know, MOVE thrown in from time to time. The finish comes with a reversed roll-up by Cannon to win the title.

*** Once more, overbooking drags down the rating.

Main Event: Avalanche vs. The Prototype vs. DJ Cool vs. Strife World Title “Cage From Hell” Match

Everyone but Avalance makes their entrances, before Freak Daddy returns to ringside once more. He announces that Avalanche will not be competing, before being cut off by DooM. A long-winded conversation takes place, with the gist being that DooM is entering himself in the main event. (He also calls FD an “Ass Nazi”… guess the shot of Adolf was foreshadowing or something…)

Freak Daddy isn’t pleased by this as you can imagine, but in his attempts to stop DooM he charges the electrified cage. Shocking stuff indeed. All four men go at in the ring. (Alex proving his gross incompetance by calling a dropkick a “huge move!”. Yeah, right.) DJ Cool piledrives Strife off the ladder. Jack pronounces Strife dead. What’s Jacks last name, Kervorkian? More brawling between DooM and Prototype. The electricty in the cage seems to be working only occasionaly… either that or they keep forgetting to sell it. Prototype blades. Strife sets DooM up on a table and climbs the ladder. He splashes DooM through the woodwork in a Jeff Hardy-esque bump. Even so, both men are up in less than a minute, and this time DooM oversells the electric cage like crazy. It’s practically an infomercial.

DJ Cool climbs the ladder, as, and I quote Jack Hough here… “Strife and The Prototype are climbing the part of the cage with no electricity, and barbed wire, the very right-hand corner” correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t metal CONDUCT electricty? I there’s a charge in place, the whole cage should be… oh, why am I even bothering?

Anyway, all three men reach the top, whereupon the “BigAss Bump” takes place. The Prototype hits Strife with a “Perfector” on the top of the ladder, (Jack announcing his death for the second time in five minutes) knocking over the ladder in the process. DJ Cool meets the “electrified” steel and that’s it for the next five minutes. I mean it, they all lie on the mat for FIVE MINUTES to sell the enormity of the bump!! Way to keep the crowd hot, guys! Everyone blades, of course. At last, The Prototype wakes up (along with the crowd) and climbs the ladder… only to simply fall off at the top. Right.

After another ridiculous “electricty” spot… this time with sparks… Prototype goes up again… and we get a run-in! NOOOOOOO! Enough already! This time it’s some former IEW wrestler, apparently. Protype freezes with reach of the belt as “Sniz” walks down the asile, into the cage (ignoring the “electricty”) and topples the ladder. Prototype falls over the top of the cage and through the announce table. Nice of the announce team to get a second table after the first was broken in the Rising Star Match… even JR and The King only ever got one!

Sniz leaves after wiping out all four men… and any chance of a clean finish… and DJ Cool climbs the ladder to retrieve the belt and win the World Title after a gruelling (for myself and anyone else watching) match

** for the bumps. Just another overbooked mess.

Jack and Alex take turns screaming as we go off air.

Well some nice matches here and there, but the constant interferences and contrived spots make this one a could-have-been.

Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.