Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for IWA’s “Payback”
All righty, Schmucksters… I’ve managed to tear myself away from my new Playstation (PS1, not 2… sad but true…) long enough to bring the IWA into the Schmucks fold. A glance at the IWA’s roster will reveal many familiar faces… and several unexpected ones. Case in point… Shawn Michaels appearing in the main event of the “Payback” PPV… his chiropracter will not be pleased!
On with the show! We are LIVE from Detriot, Michigan. Your hosts are Jim “Who’s got my hat?” Ross and Jerry “Girly Shriek” Lawler. They hype the FOURTEEN matches scheduled, including a Rumble. And Mick Foleys come out of retirement as well, I see. His WIFE is going to kill him…
Spike Dudley vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Eddie Guerrero
This is for the #1 spot in the cruiserweight rankings. Spike takes a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it double team before Eddie turns on Chavo. Spike quickly teams with Eddie to work over Chavo. For about ten seconds as Eddie turns on him. Spike ducks and dropkicks Eddie, then takes his contracted Bump over the top ropes after attempting the Dudley Dog on Chavo. Eddie hits a hurricanrana for 2 on Chavo. A second is turned into a powerbomb by Chavo. It gets 2 before Spike pulls out the ref, a move I still consider a cop-out. Spike bulldogs Chavo for 2, Eddie hits him with a spinning heel kick, then misses a frogsplash. Spike hits the Dudley Dog on Chavo for 2. Eddie pops up and rolls up Spike for 2. Nobody’s selling nothing in this match. Chavo gets a clothesline and leglock on Eddie until Spike breaks it up. Eddie thanks Spike by dropkicking him, allowing Chavo to hit the brainbuster for the pin. 1/4* Fast paced, but the lack of any selling or rythym hurt it badly.
-Backstage, Shane McMahon tells DDP he’s got his back tonight. Money has changed hands between them to ensure Page stays champion, it appears. Someone tell me why the son of a billionaire should be succeptable to bribery? Anyone?
Lita vs. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsly vs Trish vs. Molly Holly vs. Jaqueline (Womans championship Swimming Pool Evening Gown Match)
You read that right… swimming pool evening gown match…. Anyone else smell Russo’s booking here? The “Match” is basically the usual hair-pulling “Comedy” match. Vince gets pushed in the pool, Lita gets her throng ripped off from under her dress, Molly discovers the button for bubbles. (Making this a “Spa Pool Match” if you want to get technical) Comedy, thy name is IWA. Molly Holly wins it, then de-bras Lita. Hope she got a bonus in her paypacket this month. Lita, I mean… -*** for the whole affair. To quote Jim Ross from another match, “Well, that only set our business back about 20 years.”
-Postmatch, Lawler has a cigarette. Well, not really…
William Regal vs. D-Lo Brown
This is a #1 contendership match for the European title, which is vacant. No, I don’t get the logic in that… Regal gets the first move off, spearing D-Lo. Now that’s out of character for Regal! They reverse moves a few times, until Regal gets 2 off a neckbreaker. Regal sensibly returns to his usual ground-based offense with a leglock. Horrible sequence as D-Lo escapes by kind of crawling up the ropes to body block. D-Lo takes over with his legdrop and a scissors kick. Moonsault is countered with a Dragon Screw(!!) off the top by Regal. Regal Stretch is countered, (Somehow… D-Lo is working sloppy tonight!) D-Lo gets in an enziguri and misses a frog splash. A’chinlocking we will go, then a sleeper from Regal. D-Lo completes his trio of Ugly-Ass Counters with some sort of DDT to escape the hold. Whoever booked these two in a match should be shot. Repeatedly. Then asked to apologise. They fight to the floor, with D-Lo getting a 2-count out there. (?!) Frog splash off the guardrail gets another 2 count, this time in the ring. D-Lo goes up, but gets crotched by the simple expediant of Regal just kind of nudging the bottom rope. Huh? He then falls onto Regals groin head-first. The pain on Regals face is mirrored by the pain on mine this match is causing. Regal reverses a body slam and lands on his feet. (This has GOT to be Jericho in a really good disguise…) Reverse suplex and D-Lo-esque legdrop by Regal gets 2. D-Lo decides those two moves are enough offense out of Regal for one night, suddenly busting out every move he can as Regal bounces all over the ring like the Long-Lost Hardy Boy. The Lo-Down hits knees, however, allowing a Regal Stretch for the submission. DUD Two diametrically opposed styles, meaning one horrible match. Let’s move on…
Sting & Mike Awesome vs. DDP & Goldberg (IC Title Match)
IWA Logic strikes again as DDP defends his title in a tag-team match. No, I don’t get this one, either… Shane is guest ref, as I mentioned earlier. Dull brawl to start, before we get Goldberg vs. Awesome. Brief wrestling sequence before Goldberg hits the spear for 2. DDP actually comes in to break the pin as Awesome kicks out.(??) DDP stomps on Awesome as Goldberg attacks Sting, getting dragged out and clotheslined in the process. Instant degeneration to Ugly Brawl status as Shane plays Evil Ref. Eventually, we end up with Goldberg vs. Awesome again. Goldberg returns to his usual no-selling for anyone earning less money than he does, getting 2 off a slingshot to the buckle. Shane slow-counts, of course. Goldberg spears him, everyone attacks DDP, back to the Big Ugly Brawl we go. Awesome finally revives Shane and gets 2 on DDP. Awesome then lays out Shane again. The world stops tunring momentarialy as Goldberg TAPS to the Scorpion Deathlock, but there’s no ref, so I guess it doesn’t count. DDP Diamond Cutters Awesome, covering for 2. Shane immediately gets clotheslined by an irate Sting. Yes, we “get” that no-one likes Shane.. Stop ramming the point home already! Page gets 2 off a clothesline on Sting.(!!) Shane completes the idiocy by turning on DDP (SWERVE! Whatever…) as Awesome taps out to a Scorpion Deathlock to make Sting the new IC Champ. I think. -** It’s going to take a lot of really good matches to erase that particular clusterfuck from my memory…
Edge and Christian vs. The Flying Flyers (Taka Michinoku & Essa Rios) (Tag Team Titles Match)
The Flying Flyers? Isn’t that just a tad redundant? And if it’s Taka and Essa, shouldn’t “The Jobbing Jobbers” be more appropriate? Taka and Edge exchange punches, Taka hits a clothesline and quickly tags rios in. He applies a full nelson, allowing a sliding dropkick from Taka. Elbowdrop gets 2 for Rios. Cristian comes in, distracting the ref. Taka nails a springboard legdrop, Rios gets another 2-count. Hurricanrana is reversed into a powerbomb, Edge tags in Cristian. House o’fire for about ten seconds as Rios dropkicks him and tags Taka back in. They backdrop Christan to the floor, Rios hits a tope con hilo, four-way brawl breaks out. Lot of that happening tonight. Back iside, Christian hits the Unprettier for 2 on Taka. Rios breaks it with a springboard moonsault, wiping out everybody. Except Edge, who’s now obeying the rules by staying in his corner. Okay. Essa and Taka double-team again, Taka getting 2 off a double suplex. Enziguri by Christain, hot tag to Edge. Uh, shouldn’t the FACES be doing all this Ricky Morton stuff? Another house o’fire, Edge gets stungunned by Rios, but still manages to hit the Buzz Killer for the pin to retain. *3/4 Probably the best match so far, but that aint saying much. Postmatch, they blow the con-chair-to, Rios and Taka clean house.
Lance Storm vs. Jeff Jarret vs. Albert (European Title Match)
Storm gets time for a quick promo, but forgets the pause in “Calgary…. Alberta, Canada”. I’ll forgive him… This also explains why D-Lo and Regal were wrestling for contendership to a vacant belt. Storm gets double-teamed from the get-go and is splashed by Albert. He dodges Jarrett and takes several clotheslines from Albert. Storm retaliates with some (no-sold) dropkicks, Jarrett helps out with a missile dropkick. Storm attempts the Maple Leaf, Jarrett escapes… somehow. More brilliant camera work/editing from the IWA. Tiger suplex gets 2, Albert makes the save. He attempts a powerbomb, Storm legsweeps as Jarrett falls in a type of guillotine legdrop. First really nice move of the night. Jarrett pins, Storm breaks it at 2. He uses the double noggin knocker and hits an elbowdrop on both men. He locks in the maple Leaf on Albert, who reaches the ropes. Storm tries to work the leg, Jarrett locks in a Dragon Sleeper on him. Albert saves him, big boot gets 2 on Jarrett. Albert completely no-sells some punches from Storm, but is nice enough to sell a spinning heel kick. Maple Leaf from Storm, Dragon Sleeper from Jarrett, X-Pac runs-in to make the save for Albert. Oh, joy. X-Pac bails, Storm gives chase and uses some CANADIAN VIOLENCE on him. Justin Credible cranks up the annoyance by a Factor of X by also running in. He beats on Storm as Jarrett hits the Stroke on Albert for the pinfall. *1/3 Typical Raw quality match.
Rey Mysterio Jr. Vs Shane (Yes, SHANE) Helms vs. Tajiri vs. Jerry Lynn (Fatal Four Way Ladder Cruiserweight Title Match)
Anyone else getting tired of three-, four and five-way matches? The one singles match so far was that Regal/D-Lo catastrophe… The usual Big Ugly Brawl in the ring, followed by a Big Ugly Brawl on the floor. TWO ladders come out within minutes, as Jerry Lynn attempts to reach the Glass Ceiling. And fails, of course. Helms takes a killer bump from a ladder to the floor as the usual well-telegraphed spots begin. Lynn rolls into the ring and just lies in perfect position for a legdrop off a ladder by Mysterio. No, that wasn’t contrived. Not at all. Tajiri uses a chair on Rey Rey, then gets crotched on the top rope after an attempt to get the belt. Lynn brings in a table, Helms and Rey double DDT him and place him on it. Rey goes up a ladder, Helms pushes him off from the other side, down goes Rey Rey, table, Jerry and all. Helms reaches the belt as Raven runs-in. Helms tries to jump on him, but gets a right hand and an Evenflow. Raven chairshots him until Tajiri saves with some stiff kicks and a beautiful corkscrew moonsault. (Raven has conviently fallen with the chair over his face, of course, thus overtaking Lynn in the “Really Obvious Set-Up” contest that appears to be in progress.) Rey goes up, Tajiri and Lynn tip up the ladder. Stunning move as Rey hits the eject button and tornado DDT’s Lynn on the way down. Tajiri contiues to hit chairshots, then heads up. So does Raven for a gimmicky powerbomb off the ladder. Okay, Raven is now well ahead in the “Obvious Set-Up” contest. Raven continues to climb, reaching for the belt. Uh, you’re not actually in the match, dickweed. The match begins to loop as Raven takes Helms bump to the floor after Rey dropkicks the ladder. Rey goes up as Lynn sets up a second ladder and goes up as well. Helms also heads up, hitting a crossface Halo on Rey. Tajiri shoots up, meeting Lynn, who’s had to move verrrry slowly to avoid actually winning the match. Tarantula on top of the ladder, Tajiri eventually lets go and dumps Lynn. He retrieves the belts as Rey takes a Vertebreaker. Raven Evenflows Helms to spike the ball for the ex-champ. ** Some excellent spots, but plenty of phony-looking ones as well.
Undertaker vs. Booker T. vs. Kurt Angle (Triple Threat I Quit Match)
And the parade of multi-man matches just keeps rolling along. The concept of UnderSeller in an I Quit match is intriuging to say the least. The same “I hit you, he hits me, you hit him” formula we’ve seen all night begins. Taker gets the microphone and asks for a submission… after a pumphandle slam. Someone explain the concept to him. Booker T clotheslines everyone and brings in garbage, setting up a trash can in the buckles and a table in the middle. Then, logically enough, he uses a chair on both men instead. He finds the mic and asks for a submission. Taker won’t, of course. (Oddly, both Booker and Taker seem to be making actual covers while trying for a submission. Just stick the mic in their face, guys!) The match suddenly stalls as we see DDP and Shane McMahon having an impromptu street fight in the parking lot. Shane takes his usual Suicide Bump through a plate glass window as they fight to ringside. Kendo Stick Fu from Shane, Angle helps out DDP, and suddenly the undertaker chokeslams Booker T… and gets the win… with a cover? What the hell was that? -** as some booker (Not Booker) has no idea of what an “I Quit” match is all about. As if things weren’t confusing enough, we get a post-match brawl. Angle gets chokeslammed, DDP gets a Bookend through the table and Taker celebrates with the guy he just pinned… Angle? Swerve? IWA scriptwriter on drugs? You decide… Now, how about a singles match?
Steve Blackman & Rob Van Dam vs X-Factor
Nope. Well, a straight tag-team match… better than nothing, I guess. Too bad it’s got X-Factor’s in it. Ugly-ass opening, with everyone blowing moves left, right and center. X-Pac misses the bronco buster, RVD uses an abdominal stretch, then tries the Van-Daminator. (They’re trying to finish this one quick… maybe X-Pac promised to share his stash afterwards…) X-Pac uses a spinning heel kick to block the Van-Daminator and hits a missile dropkick. RVD no-sells, getting 2 off a full nelson bomb and splash. RVD uses a bear hug(!), X-Pac kicks him in the nuts to break. RVD blocks the X-Factor and tags in Blackman. X-Pac lowblows him as well, and once again misses the bronco buster. Leathal kick gets 2 before Credible breaks the cover. Ref gets bumped as X-Pac hits the X-Factor, Blackman instantly recovers and produces a kendo stick. (From where? Maybe Shane left it behind…) Even the ref no-sells, reviving to count 2 after the shot. Double tag, RVD hits the Van Terminator, X-Pac runs-in and hits the X-Factor and (Finally) the bronco buster, Credible covers for 3 while Blacman scratches his ass on the apron. DUD What if they gave a war and no-one sold anything? It’d be this match…
This is an interesting concept. The participants are IWA fans(!!) in a royal rumble-type match. Do I really have to recap backyard wrestling on a PPV? No, no I don’t… some guy named Eric wins. (And has a better match than X-Pac and D-Lo put together… at least he hit some spots…)
Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit vs. Mankind
Spot the odd man out in this one… The Canadian Chris’s beat Mankind down before Benoit slaps a sleeper on Jericho. Jericho slides out and it’s yet another three-way brawl. Gosh, how exciting. Really looking forward to that Fatal Four Way at the end of the night. Everyone tries for submission holds, making for a dull opening. Benoit mixes it up a bit, hitting three rolling snap suplexes on Jericho. He misses the swandive as Mankind brings out the barb-wire 2×4. Al Snow runs down to ringside and manages to persaude Mick not to risk a DQ. Al Snow playing the Voice of Reason? Believe it.. or not! They trade pinfall reversals before Mankind superplexes Benoit onto a prone Jericho, getting 2. Mr Socko comes out for the Madible Claw on Jericho. Worst counter of the night as Jericho somehow manages to backdrop Mankind to escape. Huh? Crossface on Mankind, he makes the ropes. Jericho bulldogs Benoit and Lionsaults both men. He pins Benoit to end this painful mess. DUD Everyone was half-assing this one. Doubly so for Mick.
-Backstage, someone trashes Foleys office.
Mick Foley Hardcore Gauntlet Match
No wonder Mick was a non-factor in the last match. He has five opponents, one after another. (Well, four, as one is Head.) Al Snow is the first man out. Generic garbage free-for-all breaks out as Sno gets some revenge for all those jokes about him in Foleys books. Mick finds a monitor under the ring. Say what? Street signs, 2×4’s, trash cans, etc. Eventually, he pins Al Snow in a dumpster.
Head is the next. Foley is attacked by Mankind(!!!) (Note to whoever is trying to kill Foleys gimmick by putting someone else in the Mankind mask… you’re in BIG trouble!) Kane also stalks-in, chokeslamming Snow. Foley eventually pins head.
Gangrel enters stage left, and it’s less than three minutes before the Run-In Gang’s latest member, Sabu, hits the ring. Handcuff Insanity breaks out, Mick snaps them like Superman. Double-arm DDT eliminates Gangrel.
Tazz is next, bucking the trend by not having a run-in. Thumbtacks come out, of course. End comes as Tazz gets rolled into a pin after he applies the Tazzmission.
Raven gets his shot, which is wrecked when Shane Helms chairshots him. Tommy Dreamer also arrives, DDT-ing people at random.
The final (MYSTERY) opponent is Vince McMahon. Steph makes the run-in, to no avail. Mick retains in probably the best section of the match. Well, six, count ’em, six run-ins and a parade of stupid garbage spots. DUD and that’s being generous.
Cactus Jack vs. Rhyno (2/3 falls U.S Title Match)
Okay, either someone on the booking committee hates Foley, or there’s some more gimmick infringement going on. The first fall is in a Electrified Cage. Lots of shots into the steel, before Jack climbs the cage(!ZAP!) and jumps onto Ryhno… who rolls him up for the pinfall. Well that was fucking anti-climatic. Second fall, Mexican Glass match. (Read: countless glass spots and blading as they simply dump tons of glass into the ring. Pleasant sight, no?) Jack wins the fall after a legdrop. Third fall is the Stairway To Hell Match. Super-contrived stunt bump as Rhyno is locked in a cage and pushed off the top of a scaffold for Mick to retain. -**
The Rock vs Triple H vs Shawn Michaels vs Stone Cold Steve Austin
Three words. BIG. UGLY BRAWL. Half-way through, Austin and Michaels go through the announce table, HHH brings in the sledge and Vince hobbles in. Everyone hits their finisher, Vince gets Rock Bottomed, and finally a masked man runs-in to Pedigree HHH, allowing The Rock to pin and retain. DUD
The Bottome Line: Run-ins up the wazoo, matches with the flow of a bad improvised jazz session and a total lack of any logic. The less said here… the better.
Strong Recommendation to Avoid.