The “Not” Keith Rant for IWA Wrestlebowl II Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for Wrestlebowl II

This card is an interfederational event, and is it long? Yes, yes it is… two tapes, boasting 66 wrestlers from 16 federations. This may take a while to recap… but who needs a life anyway… not me!

-We are LIVE from the Pontiac Silverdome. Big crowd, announced at 93, 136… ah, the Wrestlemania III count is in use tonight! We get a video package from the inaugural Wrestlebowl, before viewing the arena. Two rings and a scaffold have been erected. Your commentators are Stan Carter and Johhny Diamond. They run down the card, which is covering all the bases… Survivor series, Scaffold, War Games, Lumberjack, Tables, the whole nine yards. Winners advance to a two-ring battle royal, the two winners of that wrestle for the one million dollar prize. Stan Carter refers to the card as “Pro Wrestlings All-Star Game, Pro Bowl and Survivor all in one!” If some fat guy walks around naked or someone tries to kill a pig, I’m switching off! Oh, and someone has no-showed, apparently. This may be important later.

-Backstage, Bobby Nash interviews Nick “God of Wrestling” Demola and “Nightshade” Jeremy Locke. Demola is scared of heights… that should make his scaffold match a real winner.

Nick “God” Demola & “Nightshade” Jeremy Locke vs Sabbath & The Wasp (Tag Team Scaffold Match)

Pre-match, Locke reveals he’s brought boltcutters to the ring… Demola is revealed to have brought handcuffs… presumably to attach himself to the scaffold. Wuss. Sabbath charges the ring and clotheslines a distracted Demola. The Wasp brings a shopping cart full of steel chairs to the ring. (Were they on sale or something?) Locke gets beaned with one as The Wasp tosses them everywhere. He responds with a lariat. In the other ring, Demola is Tiger suplexed by Sabbath. Locke switches rings and spears Sabbath. Demola and Locke argue over who gets to stomp on Sabbath, leading to a trainwreck as Wasp bodyblocks everyone. Sabbath and Wasp exchange a manly, non-homosexual hug as Locke begins to climb the scaffold. Demola follws very slowly. Eventually, everyone is up top except Demola, who’s selling his fear of heights very well. Locke takes a baseball slide from Wasp, leaving him dangling. Demola runs in to make the save, then bails back to the relative safety of the ladder. Wierd-looking sequence as Sabbath and Locke dangle over the side after a sunset flippy-type thing. It’s basically a long, ugly setup for a free-falling powerbomb off the scafold, drilling Sabbath in a tooth-rattling bump. Demola literally crawls out onto the scaffold towrds Wasp. This does put him in perfect position for the first ballshot of the night. Demola shoves him off the scaffold for the win. DUD Just a nothing match.

-Thirty Minutes Ago; Commisioner Rosendorf chats with Guest Referee Rick Styles in the parking lot. A fleet of Hummers arrive. I’m not sure who was driving them, so don’t ask. From the Hummers emerge members of the Shootfire Pro Wrestling federation. Their president introduces them all. This may be important later. Or it may just be a waste of PPV time.

Last Blood Weapons Match: “Top Gun” Ben Tuckwell, “Rock Hard” Chris Stevens, Tracker, Brandon Franklin, “Flying Scotsman” Neil McDougall, Shack The Wrecker, and “International Excellence” Tyrone Parker

“Bad Boy” McCade and “Big Mean Tough Guy” arrive to do color commentary. BMTG’s comments make one yearn for Steve “Mumble” McMicheals. Although there’s only seven participants, they’re entering in 2-minute intervals. Okay. Shack the Wrecker is number one. He brings an aluminum baseball bat. Tyrone Parker is #2, and hasn’t brought a weapon. Now there’s confidence! A swing and a miss from Shack, Parker launches a bodyblock. Shack catches him, delivering a bodyslam with a ball bat chaser. Shack Fu follows, Parker armdrags him down. Shack loses the bat and gets a hurricane DDT (The Floridian equivalent to a Tornado DDT, I believe) from Parker. A nice move-reversing sequence follows, with Parker eventually taking a sidewalk slam. Shack presses Parker but misses a legdrop. Suplex from Parker, he gets a knee in the face as he attempts a german. Shack crotches him on the top rope and boots him to the floor. They brawl on the outside as the “two-minute period” reaches 4.20 by my watch. Shack bops Parker with the ball bat, Parker blades and is gone. The announcers say there’s six seconds left before the next man. Uh, sure. Luckily, Brandon Franklin jumps Shack from behind, hitting a neckbreaker. He’s brought an oh-so-original kendo stick. BAMBOO VIOLENCE OF DEATH occurs as they return to the ring. Franklin baits the crowd, allowing Shack to recover. They brawl in the ring with slams and clotheslines before Franklin applies a camel clutch. Shack powers out before the crowd can get bored, so Franklin returns to the kendo stick offense.

“Rock Hard” Chris Stevens (And no, I’m not even going to speculate on THAT nickname) is next in. He steals the kendo stick and bops Franklin with it. Blind charge, Franklin back-drops him out. Stevens lands neatly on his feet, slides back in and hits a nice German on Franklin. They brawl, Shack pummels both of them and tosses Stevens again. He tosses Franklin around like a football, Stevens makes the save but runs into the knees on a blind charge. Shack uses the Big Man advantage, powerslamming Franklin onto Stevens. Franklin no-sells, hitting a full nelson facebuster as Tracker arrives. He slingshots in, clotheslining Stevens with a chain-wrapped fist. Stevens juices to end his night. Shack swipes the chain as Franklin attacks and monkey flips Tracker. Shack clotheslines Franklin out and gets DDT’ed by Tracker, who chokes him with the chain. He hits an Ace Crusher, then an unexpected somersault plancha onto Franklin. Tracker hits a flying kneedrop on Shack and heads up. Franklin pops up and chairshots him back to the mat, where Shack drops a chain-wrapped elbow on him. Franklin sets up his chair… and sits down for a breather. Cute. Shack whips Tracker with the chain, but runs into a dropkick. Tracker hits a picture perfect quebrada, then rolls out to interrupt Franklins break period with a clothesline. He rolls him in, Shack belly-to-backs him from one ring to the other.

“Top Gun” Ben Truckwell is next in, with a barb-wrie wrapped ball bat. He loses it right away and pairs off with Franklin. Nice cobra clutch bulldog from Truckwell and a shooting star press. Tracker and Shack brawl on the outside, with the steps getting involved. Shack rolls in, finds the barb-wire bat and eliminates “Top Gun” with it. Ironys a bitch, huh? Trainwreck as Tracker takes Shack over the top ropes and Franklin tope suicidas both of them. “The Flying Scotsman” Neil McDougall is the last man in. He retreives a ladder from under the apron as the brawl continues. He sets it up in the ring and hits a somersault plancha onto all three men. Jaw-dropping move follows as McDougall rolls in, only to have Tracker springboard onto the ladder, riding it down onto the Scotsmans body. Ouch! Franklin crawls under the ring as Tracker misses a moonsault off the ladder. McDougall one-ups him by hitting a fameasser off the ladder. Shack rolls in with the barb-wire bat, McDougall produces a telescoping baton. (As seen on “Cops”) They recreate the duelling scene from “Rob Roy” as Franklin emerges with a chair. Make that a fire chair. A brief Mexican standoff occurs until Tracker dropkicks Shack and Franklin into one another. McDougall is quick enough with the HARDCORE FIRE EXTINGUISHER OF DOOM to put everyone out, luckily. Tracker is eliminated messily as Franklin chairshots the baseball bat back into his face. McDougall heads up the ladder, actually pole-vaulting off to hit a karate kick on Shack. Shack no-sells, hitting a sidewalk slam on Franklin, then garabbing McDougall. Scots Fu breaks him loose and a “Jailbreak” DDT onto the chair busts open Shack. McDougall and Franklin uses their repesctive weapons to fence which the commentators liken to “The Phantom Menace”. (Shoot the floppy-eared thing! SHOOT IT!) McDougall somersaults over Franklin, and suddenly Franklin is trickling blood. How? McDougall’s staff is rigged with a small blade, it seems. Gotta love guys that think ahead! ** The usual big brawl, salvaged by some inventive ladder moves, some natural skills from Tracker, McDougall and Franklin, and a very cinimatic ending.

-Outside, the SWP wrestlers are told one of them gets to cover for the no-show. The SWP wrestlers decide to use the “prop” ring set up in the parking lot to determine which of them gets the shot.

The Lady In Red/Tommy “Lord” Lionheart/”Erotic” Erin McCoys vs “Tornado” Tara Smith/Johhny “Sexy” Bod/Tigress (Intergender Tables Match)

The menfolk start things off, with Bod getting the best of a leapfrog sequence. He launches a back elbow off a table, but misses an elbow. Criss-cross, Lionheart hits a triple revolution headscissors, then misses a springboard moonsault. Double tag-outs bring in TLiR and Smith. Tigress make the blind tag during a criss-cross, Smith gets powerslammed. Tigress is legal, hitting a dropkick. Double suplex, Tigress attempts another to put Red through a table. Red blocks and gutbusts her on the ropes. McCoys is tagged in, she tags Red back in instantly as Red tags Smith. Neckbreaker and legdrop, Smith deposits Red on the buckle. She tags in Bod, who mounts the buckle and gyrates in Reds face. I didn’t really need to see THAT. Red puts a smile on the face of every woman watching by reversing his rana into a powerbomb through the table to eliminate Bod. Tigress enters, but is DDT’ed by Red. Spinebuster, tag to Lionheart. Belly-to-belly on Tigress as Carter starts mixing up everyones name. Lionheart brings in more tables, sets one up, and gets stungunned through it by Tigress. Womans Lib Lives! Erin McCoys hits the ring. Erin Kick and Acid Drop on Tigress. Erin blindsides Smith on the apron, but runs into the knees on a blind charge. Tigress side-kicks her onto a table and goes up. Moonsault hits nothing but the table as McCoys rolls away. Tigress is eliminated on a technicality. (Erin touched Tigress’s foot on the way down according to the ref.) Smith jumps McCoys, tossing her out. She bounces off a table, which doesn’t break. They brawl, Smith DDT’s McCoys and places her on a table. She heads topside, “Crimson” Joe Reed stands in the way, allowing Red to superplex the distracted Smith through a table.** Not bad, though quite brief, even with the post-match festivities. (McCoys gets splashed through a table by Smith just for the hell of it.)

-Backstage, Strictly Business cut a promo.

The Ghost Dancers vs. Steel Cage (w/ Keri and Ms. Brown) vs. Strictly Business vs. Too Damn Nasty (Ladder Match)

Hanging above the ring… two passes into the Wrestlebowl battle royal. However, pinfalls count as well. Too Damn Nasty do a run-in BEFORE the opening bell, attacking Strictly Business in the aisle. A huge brawl breaks out as Ghost Dancers and Steel Cage duke it out in the ring. Jason Keening drills Michael Cage with a DDT off the top, then makes the save as Sean Cage gets a loooonnnggg 2 on Michael Keening. Everyone makes the ring, which makes the confused brawl doubly confusing. Strictly Business get another protracted 2-count on Craig Miller of Too Damn Nasty off a backdrop powerbomb. Millers partner brings in a chair as we get two seperate matches happening at once. After an impossible-to-recap few minutes, Strictly Business hit their “Flash and Cash” blockbuster/crucifix powerbomb finisher onto a chair to eliminate Too Damn Nasty. Steel Cage and The Ghost Dancers run through some various Irish Whip combos before Strictly Business join in the fun. Too Damn Nasty are seen to still be at ringside. Looooong 2-count on Michael Cage by Jason Keening, Sean Cage gets lowbridged by Two Damn Nasty. They beat on him, Michael Cage makes the save with a no-hands plancha. They fight up the aisle and out of the match. We get the first attempt at the passes from Tucker of Strictly Business, Michael Keening suplexes him down and to the outside. His partner joins him, contrived (Though undoubtably impressive) spot as Michael Keening lauches a corkscrew plancha, using the ladder (held on an angle by his brother) as a launching pad. Sebastian returns to the ring, then tosses out Jason K. Piledriver through a table for JK, Sebastian brings in the REALLY BIG LADDER OF INSANITY. Tables get set up, in the ring and out, Sebastian places Mike Keening on one. Michael hangs on the Sebastian, so Tucker simply jumps on both of them off the 15-footer. Eventually, Tucker recovers enough to try for the passes, Mike Keening missile dropkicks the ladder out from under him, chairshots begin. Guys, I think you just did the Big Bump… what do you want, a fatality to end this match? Two men go up, their partners dropkick the ladder, down they come again. Michael Keening goes up… taking plenty of time so that Sebastian can recover from a spill to the floor and go up the 15-foot ladder again. One last big bump as he hits a flying back suplex to take Keening off the the ladder, Tucker climbs to secure the win for Strictly Business. *3/4 Big spot cocktail, with a brawl chaser.

-Since we obviously haven’t had enough confused brawls yet, we cut back out to the impromptu battle royal in the carpark. Luckily, we just get some highlights, then it’s back… for a War Games match. Well, at least I didn’t have to recap 33 singles matches… Gary Allen from the UEW joins the announce team for this one. Long talk segment as they set up the cage.

War Games (Team UWF vs. Everyone Else)

UEW’s Marcus Colby arrives as special referee. (Special, because he’s had issues with both teams, it seems) In a major break with tradition, all of the team members come out to ringside. That should cause a huge brawl if nothing else does. Team UWF consists of Tragedy, (With his wife, Comedy. Wow, that’s like… deep, man.) “The Darkhorse” Randall Osbourne, “Crimson” Joe Reed, “Hotspot” Scott Daniels, and “Agony” Michael Augustine. Their opponents are Alex Martinez, (The “Last American Badass”… give me a break, Mr Originality) The Outlaws, (Including “Doc Holiday”… see my comments to Martinez, Doc) William Craven and “Playboy” Ronnie D. Ronnie has to be dragged in by security, obviously not too keen on the whole concept. A total lack of team harmony is evident on both sides, with Reed and Augustine arguing over who gets to start. What, no gimmicked backstage draw? Well, so long as we have a gimmicked coin toss… Eventually the entire UWF team are fighting about the issue as Brent Maverick of the Outlaws is elected to start things off for Team Everyone. Finally, Daniels takes matters into his own hands by entering the cage behind the collective backs of the UWF Debating Team.

That’s the longest intro of any match I’ve ever seen. Well, except for that monkey in WTFL… Right, on to the match. Daniels gouges to win the opening slugfest, Maverick goes to the throat in response. Gutwrench backbreaker, Daniels blocks a shot to the cage and sends Maverick in. Maverick doesn’t blade, which is usually compulsary in War Games matches. Ronnie D suddenly bails from ringside, Osbourne gives chase. They brawl on the floor as Daniels and Maverick do likewise inside. Daniels applies a crossface, as Martinez wins the Gimmicked Cointoss (YES!) and sends in Holliday. Osbourne chases Ronnie D into the stands as I go quietly insane trying to recap what feels like FIFTEEN FUCKING MATCHES ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE throughout this entire card! Sorry, but I needed that… Indside the ring, Daniels takes on both Outlaws at once, completly negating the “War Games Heel Advantage” rule. The Oulaws take over eventually, hitting the “21 Of Spades”(?? What casino do these guys play in?) just in time for Reed to make the save. Ronnie D and Osbourne have made it to the balcony, Ronnie having bladed en route. (Unlike anyone in the actual cage… am I the only one who sees something wrong with that?) The Outlaws do a quick do-si-so off a whip for twin dropkicks. They double team Daniels, Maverick makes the save, Craven is next in. He takes too much time removing his mask and gets a hangmans neckbreaker. You’d think he could have done that during the ten minutes he’s been at ringside. Craven shrugs it off and uses his size advantage, pummeling the Outlaws. Tragedy is next in, after a realllly truncated “two minute period”. (About 1 minute, ten seconds by my reckoning) He brings in a chair, Doc Holliday throws a fireball, (?? From a COWBOY?) Tragedy blocks with the chair. He kabongs Holliday and Craven. Craven no-sells and goes for the chokeslam. (No where have I seen THAT before?) Reed blocks it by gutwrenching Craven. Tragedy tries to apply the “Tragic Ending” on Holliday, Maverick breaks it with a springboard bulldog. Martinez in next in, cleaning house without breaking a sweat. (Paging Mr Nash, your gimmick is being stolen..) Osbourne and Ronnie D appear again… on the Jumbo-Tron. Oh, for Gods’ sake, just do the Insanity bump and put this angle out of it’s misery. (Or at least, my misery…) It’s a free-fall for Ronnie D, and a BIG SPLASH OF ANGLE-KILLING DOOM for Osbourne. (After a really badly booked spot where Osbourne bites a lump of latex.. sorry flesh.. out of Ronnies’ head. That’s not just over-the-top, it’s over the top, down the other side and across the fucking Sahara, people.) Augustine enters the cage, going toe-to-toe with Martinez. Tragedy helps put the hurt on Martinez, until Holliday helps out. Sick bump (Unlike the stunt bump from D. and Osbourne) as Holliday gets pressed first into the roof of the cage, then out through the closed cage door by Augustine. Osbourne is up by this point, after his 25-foot fall. (For an encore, he’s going to walk across some water and feed the Wrestlebowl crowd with 2 Twinkies and a 6-pack of hotdog buns…) Doc Holliday has climbed to the top of the cage, as the match continues endlessly. He breaks up a pointless valet catfight by splashing the ladies. He puts Comedy in a chokehold, Tragedy tries to exit the cage to save her, Colby won’t let him. So Tragedy submits.

Fucking WHAT? What the hell was that about? There’s ten guys in the match and you have to have an overbooked, contrived ending that makes ZERO sense? Who are you trying to protect here? Just have someone do the job, for Christs’ sake! I’m not even commenting on the huge brawl that breaks out after the match. -** for the whole schemozzle, -**** for the Ronnie D/Osbourne Moron Bump.

-We go to an interval, I change tapes and have a shower to wash of the feeling of that last matches ending.

-Outside, the Impromptu Slobberknocker continues. The Shotfire wrestlers are hitting each other with spare parts by now. Joy.

-Back inside, The commentators announce Erin McCoys will take no furter part in Wrestlebowl due to broken ribs and a concussion. Ronnie D. is not pronounced DOA, which surprises me.

Elimination Match: “Cowboy” Ken Curtis/The Ace Of Hearts/”The American Rage” Chris Page/Steppenwulf vs. “Too Cool” Chris Hopper/”The Dream” Michael Bailey/”Mr Ratings” Warren Hayes/The Knick Man

Last Years Wrestlebowl champ, Shane Matthews is guest ref for this one. Man, is this card full of guys named “Michael” and “Chris” or what? More inter-team squabbles as Hayes refuses Hoppers order to start things off. The Knick Man plays peacemaker by volunteering to go in instead agianst AoHearts. Ace cheapshots Hayes on the apron, Matthews prevents him from entering. Now Hayes wants the tag, Ace immediatly tags to Steppenwulf before Hayes can get to him. Okay, that was cute… Hayes strikes with some CANADIAN VIOLENCE on Steppenwulf who responds with some educated feet. Matthews breaks them up, Hayes cheapshots behind the refs back and tags in Bailey. “The Dream” is using an oh-so-tasteful transvestite gimmick, incidently. Steppenwulf wisely tags to Page. Bailey backdrops him and tags Hopper. DDT and German suplex for 2. Hurricanana is countered with a powerbomb, Page uses the ropes for leverage. At 2, Matthews spots the feet on the ropes and refuses to count the three. Page hits a beautiful swandive headbutt on YOUR Face Captain In Peril, flying three-quarters of the way across the ring. It gets 2. DVD, Hopper sneaks in a superkick. Page responds with “America The Beautiful”, which is an interesting name, seeing as it’s a clothesline.(!) Page covers for 2 and change. Hopper blind tags to Knick Man. A reversed whip and spiked neckbreaker gets 3 for Knick Man to eliminate Page. Ace comes in quickly, leading to a double KO clothesline. Double tag brings in Bailey and Curtis. Bailey spears Curtis, then runs right into a spinebuster. Curtis tags in Steppenwulf, powerbombs the hell out of Bailey, and a Steppenwulf frog splash eliminates the bikini-clad warrior. Hopper comes back in, calling out Curtis. Steppenwulf grudgingly tags him in, and we have the captains squaring off. Mat-wrestling sequence, Curtis boots Hopper in the gut as they tie up a second time. Stungun gets 2 before Hayes makes the save. Hopper ducks a lariat, sets up for the Powerload, then switches it into an STF. The tap is teased, Ace makes the save. Curtis ducks a heel kick and belly-to-backs Hopper into his teams corner. Steppenwulf grabs him, leading to heel miscommunication and a Curtis lairat for Steppenwulf. Steppenwulf is irate, charging into the ring. A big shove sends his captain into a roll-up by Chris Hopper, exit Curtis stage left. Steppenwulf and Ace double team Hopper, getting 2 off a Falcons Arrow. Steppenwulf superplexes him for 2.99. Ace tags in and tries the Ultimate heel cover. (Ropes AND a handful of tights.) Once again, it’s spotted at 2 by Matthews. Spiked piledriver gets 2.999. Steppenwulf blantantly chokes, ignoring Matthews count. Matthews pulls him off, a shoving match ensues, Hopper crawls unnoticed for the tag. Flying bulldog from the Knick man and Steppenwulf is gone. Ace hits the Snake Eyes on Kick Man for 2.75. Knick Man wins a suplex battle and hits another bulldog. Bailey runs back to ringside to throw “Heel Powder” in Hoppers eyes. Hayes, the only heel on Hoppers team loves it, of course. Knick Man lays out Bailey, allowing Ace to hit the “C.R.A.P.S” on him for 3. In a moment of brilliant irony, Hayes hits the “Ratings Plunge” on Ace to win the match. ***** Now THAT is what I’ve been missing. Perfect ring pyschology, a story told simply and well, and picture-perfect execution in all areas. The classic commentary from Johhny Terror and Johnny Diamond was the icing on the cake, with Stan Carter playing straight man the whole way through.

-Postmatch, Hayes beats down Matthews, who’s got a free ticket into the final match, due to his win the year before. Hayes evens the playing field by locking in a figure four. Johhny Terror makes the save by dropping the ring bell on Hayes’s head. If I hadn’t already handed out 5 stars, this would have scored bonus pysch points.

“The Great Hunt”: Alex Extreme vs. The Warlock/Ketiak/”Titan” Mikhael Therbenko/Christian Madison/Jamie Roberts/Brian Storm/Johnny Spades

The concept here is this… Alex Extreme is the “prey”, the others, the “predators”. Anyone can win the match by pinning Extreme. Predators can by eliminated by being pinned. Extreme can only win by outlasting everyone else. Got that? Therbenko doesn’t arrive, neither does Warlock. Warlocks monkey, “Oog” does, though. He bears a note, claiming that Warlock has been replaced with “The 7-Up Yum Man”. It’s Warlock in a mask. (W/soda cans) Apparently it’s one of his more obscure gimmicks. (And there’s probably a very good reason for that. The 7-up Yum Man???) Backstage, Alex Extreme cuts a cocky promo, then heads out to ringside. 7-Up man is entertaining(?) the crowd by spraying soda on his opponents. Extreme proceeds to lie down, leading to an unseemly scramble as people try to pin him. This is followed by the all-in brawl as Extreme causually bails. Everyone gives chase, leading to our second Jumbo-Tron Bump of the night as Keitiak leaps on the pack, while simultaneously DROPPING A CINDERBLOCK ON 7-UP MAN’S HEAD! Now that’s just going too fucking far! Even with an obvious dummy cinderblock, Warlock should be clinically braindead after that spot. Placing my own brain in neutral, I note that the commentators shrug it off as if Warlock takes bricks in the head on a daily basis. (He’s pinned afterwards, as if it matters.) Extreme tries to bail, running into Therblenko in the backstage area. (Maybe he just took a while to haul his gigantic ass to ringside?) Storm chairshots the big man as Ketiak gets 1 off a bulldog. Everyone fights back to ringside, (Except Spades, who’s just too cool to get involved) where Ketiak uses RENTAP, WAR-MALLET OF DEATH on Madison. Extreme hits a rockerdropper to spike the ball, eliminating Madison. Ketiak drops a swandive headbutt, Spades pulls him off at 2. Ketiak calls Spades in, Storm springboard bulldogs Ketiak from behind. Extreme bails, running into a savate kick from Roberts for 1. Therblenko breaks up the cover by tossing Roberts into the stands like a paper dart. He then catches Storms attempted bodypress, but gets lowblowed by Extreme. Abrubtly, a golf cart with Extremes stablemates arrives to aid his getaway. However, on the way back up the aisle, a red van drives out from the backstage area(??????) and we get a nasty collision. You have got to be fucking kidding me… Ketiak brings out a ladder, prompting Diamond to say, with no apparent irony “This is about to get interesting”… “Get” interesting? WHAT FUCKING MATCH IS HE WATCHING? I lose a few minutes of ladder spots and run-ins as I check to see if I have anything stronger than beer in the house. Nope, nothing but a bottle of cough syrup… one more bump of the Jumbo-tron and I’ll give it a try… Finally, Johnny Spades ends the insanity by pinning Extreme after a cruxifix powerbomb, his first actual offensive move in the match. -*** and 3 red-hot pokers up the ass for whoever suggested the attempted vehicular homicide spot. Spades was sensible not to get involved in that mess, in my opinion…

-Postmatch, “Johhny Spades” reveals himself to be Warlock wearing dark glasses and a false moustache. Sorry, I really don’t care any more.

-Also postmatch, Stan Carter suddenly downgrades McCoys to “bruised” ribs and adds a rotaor cuff tear. Nice continuity, there… NOT! The next (And thankfully, final) preliminary match is a lumberjack match. The added stip is that one of the Lumberjacks will be selected to advance to the Battle Royal.

“The Candyman” Damien Rose vs. Trixxster

This is also Trixxsters retirement match. We’ll see how long that lasts… Trixxster takes the first bumb to the floor in short order, falling at the feet of Jeff Keenan. Brian Taylor makes the save for Trixxster, allowing him to get back into the ring. Please, no Lumberjack brawls.. I’m too drained to recap anymore multi-matches tonight. Rose gorilla presses Trixxter right back out again, Winterfresh and “Disgusting” Richard Dorkus go after him. (Wouldn’t “Disgusting” Dick Dorkus have a better ring to it?) The Contract Killers run-in with paintguns to once again save Trixxsters hide. Rose runs into a standing dropkick and a hurricanrana. Trixxster nails his “The Jokes’s On You” 450 splash for 2. A second 450 hits, for a long 2. Trixxster rolls out for a weapon. Well, a pumpkin anyway. Interesting. Taylor tries to backjump him, Keenan attacks Taylor. Brawl-for-all erupts on the outside as Trixxster brings in his pumpkin, but decides not to use it as he’s the face. This allows Rose to hit his “Sweet Tooth” inverted piledriver for 3. *1/4 Nothing really to speak of, but better than a lot of matches tonght. Postmatch, a handshake and a hug between Rose and Trixxster. Also, a cointoss puts Chris Corey of the Contract Killers into the battle royal.

-Outside, the Shootfire Pros are still going at it… Yep, nothing like a quick 90-minute match to pep you up for a battle royal. We even get a run-in(??? In an impromptu match?) as the “match” gets called off amongst rampant angle set-ups. So it WAS just a colossal waste of PPV time, then…

-Before the Battle Royal, we get to see some retired wrestlers in the stands. Lots of them. Finally we get the Guest Ring announcer, “Juvy” and we’re ready to wind this thing up. He does a “Top 3” list of things to make WrestleBowl II better. For the record, here’s mine;

3) No red vans. Or, no vehicular angles, period.
2) Erase the memory of the War Games match from my mind forever.
1) Tell Shootfire Pro that the card was cancelled so they don’t arrive to waste time pointlessly.

Two Ring Battle Royal: Nick “God” Demola/”Nightshade” Jeremy Locke/”The Flying Scotsman” Neil McDougal/The Lady In Red/Strictly Business/William Craven/The Outlaws/Alex Martinez/”Too Cool” Chris Hopper/”Mr Ratings” William Hayes/Warlock/Chris Corey/”The Candyman” Damien Rose/”Sudden Death” Shane Matthews

Matthews goes straight after Hayes from the bell. (Continuity!) All hell breaks loose, and we get a sudden four-man elimination as The Outlaws bodyblock Strictly Business over the top. They brawl on the floor… then enter ring#2 for Battle Royal Part 2! AHHHHHHHHH! Isn’t a battle royal confusing enough without a second match going on at the same time?! Why do they torture me like this?!! Martinez does the old Giant/Nash/Hogan no-sell/elimation trick to remove Warlock. He joins the tag teams in Ring 2. To complicate matters further, Matthews and Hayes are brawling on the floor. I’ll skip ahead as Ring 1 empties and 2 fills up. The first true elimination is Brent Maverick, upended by Sebastian. Chris Corey goes out after salt in the eyes from Doc Holliday. (Are these guys Japanese cowboys or something? Salt, fireballs… jeez!) Tucker clotheslines Rose out as I give up on trying to recap this brawl. If anyone wants the tape, e-mail me and I’ll send you a copy. Suffice it to say, Martinez chokeslams and no-sells, and Strictly Business do the bulk of the eliminations in ring 2.

Skipping to the end, the final pairing is Alex “No-Sell” Martinez and Andrew Tucker from Strictly Business. Tucker takes several elbows from the Clonertaker and gets tossed out. We’re now in Last Man Standing rules, so we get a long 8-count before he rises. On the outside, Martinez hiptosses Tucker through the timekeepers table. He’s up at 9. Martinez misses a blind charge and hits the railing, Tucker chairshots him 4 times. Martinez is kind enough to sell the fourth. He also blades. He’s up at 7, though. Legscrew from Tucker and a corkscrew plancha for a double KO on the floor. Both men are up at 8, Tucker is powerbombed for a 6-count. He reverses a second powerbomb into a hurricanrana. They brawl up the aisle, tilt-a-whirl is countered with an armdrag by Tucker for another double 6-count. Tuckers partner Sebastian helps him up, referee Styles tries to send Sebastian back to the locker room. They get into an arguement, cueing the run-in from Doc Holliday. (w/branding iron) Tucker saves his partner, but turns into a Firebomb Chokeslam through some flimsy wooden steps. Tucker is counted out and Martinez wins Wrestlebowl II. We’ll just file that under “Foregone Conclusions”, shall we? *1/2 Remind me… isn’t the Main Event meant to be the BEST match on the card? Showed continuity, with SB/Outlaws, but there’s times you want to show restraint in your run-ins and angles and just let the guys wrestle. (Although, with Martinez selling nothing, that was probably never going to happen…)

The Bottom Line: Patchy as hell, with a killer Survior Series match, an unwatchable War Games and some decidedly average mid-card events. Mind-numbingly long as well, with far too many clusterfucks. Two words people… preliminary matches! Think about it for Wrestlebowl III…

Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.