The "Not" Keith Rant for PHWL Revenge 2001 Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for Professional Hardcore Wrestling League’s “REVENGE 2001”

Well, being the sucker for punishment that I am, Xenomorph and I headed straight into tape 2 of our PPV marathon. The Professional Hardcore Wrestling Leagues’ “Revenge 2001” PPV

We are live from The Skyreach Center in Edmonton, Dramatic Pause, Alberta, Canada. Your hosts are Johhny Eagle and Cleo Valentine

Johhny and Cleo set the scene for us. A three-way stable war seems to be raging between the Revolution Republic, The New Era and The Headliners. The main event tonight is a Graveyard Match. (If Dale Torborg shows up, I’m leaving.)

We get some backstage shots, before heading up to the ring for the first contest.

TV Titles(Plural? As in, more than one?) #1 Contenders Battle Royal: Destroyer/Twiggy Stardust/Terminator/D-Stress/The Enigma/Chaos/Debi Love/SexyRob

The rules state the final pair left are both #1 contenders (An oxymoron and a half there) with the winner choosing the title he challenges for. Two TV Titles? I’m confused early on this one. Everyone pairs off from the bell. A nice tilt-a-whirl to DDT combo from Debi Love. Terminator lasts less than a minute, clotheslined out by Destroyer. The usual Battle royal brawling ensues. Debi Love is eliminated in short order on a blind charge at SexyRob. Twiggy Stardust catches Enigma and Chaos, tossing out Enigma soon after. D-stress goes out but the camera crew misses who elimates him. A brief brawl between the remaining four results in Destroyer and Chaos being eliminated. Twiggy leans over the ropes to talk some smack to Destroyer, practically begging Rob to push him out. Rob needs no second invitations.

No rating as I still don’t rate battle royals. Fairly brief, nothing to write home about.

-We get a video package setting up the following match.

X-Treme TV Title Match (PHWL Death Match): Jason Allison vs. HellFire vs. Kidd Jericho

Okay, so there obviously IS 2 TV titles in this federation. The Death Match rules in this one stae that you can be eliminated by 10-count or pinfall. The ring has razor-wire ropes and some “explosives” on the outside. The ref is nattily dressed in body armour to sell the danger. Hellfire and Jericho double-team Allison from the bell. Briefly. A double suplex later and Hellfire turns on Jericho. KJ takes the advantage with a hiptoss and is STOMPING A MUDHOLE in both Hellfire and Allison. Hellfire hits a German suplex, then punches Allison into the corner. Jericho Shoves Hellfire to the pile and delivers a double Stinger-ish Splash. Hellfire reverses an Irish whip, sending Jericho over the wire and into the explosives. (Read: A smoke pack) Jericho is counted out as a result. Hellfire shortarm clotheslines Allison for 2. Backbreaker, then a whip to the ropes. Allison gets caught in the ropes and clotheslined to the floor. Another smoke bomb, another count-out and Hellfire is the champion.

** This was there. Barely. And a Razor-wire match where no-one blades? Censorship in action, perhaps.

-20 minute interview segment. The Executioner brings out his son, (The Little Ex?) then recaps his career in great detail. He announces his retirement, and hands his ICWF Universal Title to the ICWF owner. Never having seen the Executioner in action, this segment drags a little. The fans at ringside appreciate it, though.

Hardcore TV Title Match: Stone vs. Darkness vs. Shade

Shade and Darkness in the same match? What are the odds of that? The guest referee is BamBam. (Not Bigelow or Rubble) Big brawl to start. Stone and Shade double-team Darkness, then Shade takes over with DROP-KICK MADNESS! Both Stone and Darkness end up on the outside. No-hands plancha drives Stone into the railing. Back to the ring, Stone reverses a slam. Big boot and Stone uses the knee! (HHH, look out!) He tries another, but is low-bridged by Darkness. Stone meets the rings steps with authority. Hot pace being set here. (Although Eagle calls it a “slow-paced match”. What monitor is he watching?) Darkness hits a powerbomb, then his signature move “Darkness Falls” as Stone is jumped by The Highway man out side the ring. Darkness get the pin… Stone gets a front-face DDT. Stone and BamBam have words post-match. Cleo and Johhny basically blow off the match, but it had some definite potential, despite the brevity.

*** The stand-out match of the night. Nice to see a (relativly) clean ending too…

“Big Sexy” Steve Keith vs Chikara Yokozuna

This is billed as the “Battle of the Big Men”. I’ll make this one easy. Yokozuna waddles around hitting the occasional clothesline and chop. He’s hiptossed over the ropes. Keith hits a blatant chairshot without a DQ. More waddling and stalling. Keith tries a powerbomb, by Yokozuna is JUST TOO FAT. A rake of the eyes, and a second attempt, this time succesful. Keith picks up the win. The lazy vs. the obese pulls ratings every time.

*3/4 Nothing overly offensive (save Yokozunas’ Wisconson-sized rear), but nothing enthralling either.

-Backstage: Chris “Iceman” Scott talks to Yokozuna when he returns to the locker room. Nothing of any consequence is said.

National Title Match (Inferno Match): The ArchAngel vs. Giovanni Gambino

This is a rematch from the previous Thursday show. (A double count-out) Gambino has his ribs heavily taped, so Archangel targets them early with knees and some stiff shoulder tackles. Blind charge misses, sidewalk slam switches the momentum. Gambino hits with some heavy artillery and they tease a fall into the flames. Gambino puts an end to the match abrubtly, spearing The Archangel through the ropes, where his arm hits the flames and ignites. This one was so brief, I can only assume the stunt crew didn’t want Archangels protective gel to dry up.

** For the stunt. Nothing match.

-Interview. “The Iceman” Chris Scott is in full hockey gear and wearing rollerblades. Good Lord, THE GOON2K??!! Chris cuts a hilariously incoherant promo (And people though Benoit was weak on the stick… this guy makes him look like The Rock!) for his wrestling dojo, before claiming he doesn’t want to waste our time. Pal, you just did! He goes as far as to plug his website on the big screen, then joins the commentary team. Lord save us…

Main Event (Graveyard Match): Justin Dangerous vs. Brimstone

We cut to a soundstag… uh, sorry, to a graveyard. (Complete with eerie dry-ice fog and lightning bolt effects.) JD and BS (Alcohol and talking crap… two things I’m really good at!) are awaiting the referee. He arrives, wearing the traditional referees cowl and scythe attire. It’s The Grim Reaper, a PHWL legend, it seems. JD (w/kendo stick) and BS(w/baseball bat) charge each other. Double KO results. Reaper proceeds to chokeslam Dangerous. Way to keep impartial, ref! He then delivers a “Doomsday” to Brimstone and places him over Dangerous. And counts three. And the Main Event is over.

Or is it? Trust me, you’ll wish it was. A spotlight (In a graveyard. Uh-huh) comes on, revealling… two crosses. With handcuffs. Yes, a crucifixion angle is in place. I won’t bore you with the deatils, so let’s cut back to ringside to the stunned announcers as the PPV ends. (They’re not the only stunned ones, I tell you.)

-***** What in hell was that? It didn’t work for Vinnie Mac, and it didn’t get any better in this fed. The “Evil Intentions” Main Event (See previous review) suddenly looks good in comparison.

Too much talking, too little action. (And a God-awful finale) Like the explosives in the Death Match, this PPV was all flash and no fire.

Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.